Something New (Part 2)

"Jackie"

by

Stacey Charlene Chew

INT. SCHOOL - MORNING

STACEY, a new student from Flimmaking dances comfortably around her classmates, trying to make them laugh. Mid dance she glances over and finds someone staring at her, she sees her male classmate with the cutest grin on his face, a residue smile from a conversation he probably had with another classmate seated right next to him. Stacey stops out of shyness.

                                   STACEY
                               (softly)
                      Oh fuck.

Okay, sorry. We just started script writing awhile ago in class and I really liked it a lot. I liked the professionalism of it and I really like the way the whole script looked. On with the story.

While working, I was waiting for school. I had just sent in my appeal application for Flimmaking or AKA. Cinematography and they accepted me for an interview. They told me to take some pictures that I could show them and they accepted me a day after the whole thing. They told me to attend classes on a Tuesday and I was overjoyed. I entered the class and was greeted with the nicest of course mates and got introduced to my classmates. Many of them got confused by me looking Malay and having the most English name possible. I told them about how I'm mix blooded and they all just thought it was cool and stuff.

During my third day, I began feeling very comfortable with my classmates so I started dancing around in class, making my classmates laugh and mid dancing I turned around and glanced at this guy looking straight back at me with his adorable half smile which I presume stayed from a conversation that he just had with my other classmate. I got shy so I just turned back and stopped. Right then and there, I crushed. I didn't even know his name at this point. The Stacey in me began to be weirded out by the feeling and I told myself that it's just an eye-candy and nothing more.

I got really bored at home one evening and I mass added my classmates on Instagram and I stumbled onto my crush once again but this time I knew his name, "Jackie". I added him and he commented on the very picture I just showed you in the previous post. It turns out that he went to MILLIAN before so our conversation just started out there. He didn't appear to school one day and I talked to him about it on Instagram. He told me he was working that day that's why he couldn't come. We talked a lot and the more I talked to him the more I felt myself falling. It was an odd feeling, I had sworn to never feel that way because of how things usually turn out for me. I ignored the feeling once again and went to school. It was super funny because I'd usually be really perky in school, I'd say Hi and high-five my passing classmates while walking. I saw Jackie that day and I just smiled and waved at him, I walked away after that. We probably found it really weird that we had so much to say online but nothing in person.

This was a Friday and I needed to work that day after school, so I went to the toilet to get dressed in my tank top since that was what they told me to come in. It began to rain that day and I was texting Jackie, he asked about my tank top and I told him about me working, I told him about how cold I felt since I was in that attire. He told me that he could lend me his shirt and that I just had to meet him outside our school's bus stop so I went there and he passed it to me, we had a small conversation and he left for his CCA. Work starts at 7pm that day and it was about 1pm when I met him. I had time to kill so I went back into school to hang out with my other classmates. Because of the downpour, Jackie didn't feel like going to his CCA anymore so he told me to meet him at AMK Hub if I was still free. I was free so I went there to meet him, we decided on having ice cream together and I ended up paying even though he wanted to and I think at the point of time he was really upset/disturbed by it.

We ended up eating ice cream at McDonalds and we had a long conversation about our past and our future, it seemed like the more we talked about it the more we felt like we already knew each other. We had the similar background, almost the same mindset and almost similar fears. At this point of time I felt like I met Jackie before and I think I had, a really long time ago, somewhere along Facebook because his older profile pictures looked really similar to me.

So comes tomorrow, a Saturday, he asked me to hang out so we could do our assignments at the same time so I said okay and we ended up in Malaysia, yes, Malaysia. It was so spontaneous and random. We were in Malaysia taking lots of pictures and it got too late so we ended up needing to stay over night in Malaysia. It was so weird too because we felt completely comfortable with each other, it felt like we already together 6 months prior, We were laying in bed side by side and we ended up talking about things, I told him about me having a crush on him and he told me he felt the same. It was the most soothing feeling I had in my life. I felt really safe next to him, I felt like nothing could harm me. We went home in the morning and ended up skipping work to rest at home. We went to school the next day, and things just went from there. He told me about him wanting to quit the course because of some personal reasons but he stayed because of me. I'm really glad I helped motivate him to continue his education somehow. It's officially about a month and a half in since we began dating and I can say that I'm really happy with the person I'm with today.

The only issue I had about our relationship was that it has only been a month since he broke up with his ex-girlfriend and I was constantly thinking about how she felt about it all, I would know how break ups felt, especially since it took a huge toll on me. I went to look at Jackie's Instagram today and I saw that he already had deleted his ex-girlfriend's picture and I went to his ex-girlfriend's twitter to check up on how she felt but I ended up on her blog instead, one of her blog title hit me straight on impact, it read "What do you do when he has found another?" I froze for a second, and began reading..

I admit, time-to-time, I would go to his social media pages to ease my curiosity. Jackie has a friendly personality so whenever I see him mentioning other girls on his social media I wouldn’t get jealous and would never take it to heart. However this time round, it was different. Why was this girl wearing Jackie's t-shirt and the jacket I used to see in his wardrobe? Why was this girl reading Jackie's favourite book? She was different from the others; and to top it all off she was Jackie’s “type”. I wouldn’t want to further elaborate what are his preferences for females because I am not in the position to tell. 
So bringing you guys back to this present day, on the midnight of the 6 of May. I took the courage to message him, my ulterior motive was to find out who was she to him so I casually found something to talk to him about and slowly, I lead him to my question.
“Haha you’ve got a new girl S_____” were my exact words. I didn’t know what was I expecting but really deep down I wished it wasn’t true and oh how I wished I never asked him.
“Yeah”
My heart stopped and I stared at the four-letter word in distress and sadness and anger and confusion and embarrassment and whatever mixed emotions that were going through my head. Fuck. Fuck FUCK.

I almost broke down from having an anxiety. I couldn't believe that I had such power to make someone feel this way. I've never had something like this happen so I didn't know how to feel about it at all. I went to talk to Jackie about it. I always had trouble expressing myself, that's probably why I started blogging in the first place. I told Jackie that I had stalked his ex-girlfriend before and how I really liked her, I wasn't kidding. I felt like if we had met in a different circumstance that we might probably actually be very good friends. I found myself drawn and curious to a sentence in her blog "She was different from the others; and to top it all off she was Jackie’s “type”." Now, Jackie has told me that I was different from other girls before, I didn't understand and I still don't. But now she says that I'm Jackie's "type" and few days prior I had actually told Jackie it was weird because he wasn't my "type" at all. I don't know what is it about him that I'm particularly drawn to but he definitely has that something that I can't ignore.

His ex-girlfriend I presume already has someone she's starting to feel for someone else and that really puts me at ease but I'm still definitely upset about how I made her feel and I hope it'll go away soon. I don't know if I'll ever show him my blog. I don't know how he'll take it either. I know no one really reads this other than a few handful of people that I trust but even them, I don't know if they'll read it. I hope that if there was ever a day that comes that he would take this post openly, after all this is my only output for my thoughts.

I hope he doesn't get mad about it either but these are feelings, thoughts and memories that I don't want to forget, ever. That's why they end up here, where I can read years later. Other thing weird is that, the more I find myself comfortable with him the more I feel like I can't trust him. I've had really bad trust issues before but this takes it up to a whole new level that I just can't really understand. I can't seem to trust him with my thoughts and feelings as much compared to the my past relationships. I hope this somehow changes too. He's a really good guy with genuine feelings towards me, his family and friends. I hope this wind really takes me somewhere far.

Goodnight.

Something New

Hey, it's been awhile. It's going to be a very long post so please just bear with me.

I've had several abnormalities ever since my break up with Ray and I think it kinda caused my life to spiral downhill for a little bit but that might actually be Jessica opening the old me up again. I met up with Jessica after my break up with Ray and I was in the saddest fucking state in my life. I went on a clubbing spree because I've always had restrictions from my past relationships and I thought like "hey, since I'm single and practically free right now, why the fuck not."

I kid you not but the very first time I ended up drunk after like a month of my break up was with Jessica and it was a real mess. We had planned to go to Zouk because Jessica's never been there before and we thought it was a good idea to go to T-Bar at Warren's Country Club before the whole thing. I had not eaten that day and I ended up drinking enough to have be laying next to the bushes in Zouk. I was crying and I didn't want to ruin the night for Jessica so I had her call Shaun to pick me up. She told me I called Ray and I vaguely remember him saying "I can't, I'm sorry. You'll be okay, don't worry." I remember him sounding worried, like it was so bad that I started crying more till Shaun came over to pick me up.



During this time I was dating a guy, Shaun. He was sweet, don't get me wrong but I had just broken up with Ray so all things wrong were going for me at the time. He's a vegetarian and I remember feeling weird about this because of Scott's ex-girlfriend. While dating him I really had no idea how to deal with this kinda thing because food is practically my life. I have no idea how Scott does it. He was really nice, out-going, friendly but maybe a little to aggressive and mean to his brother but I know he's close to him and all that's why he does it.

We were going on like maybe 2 weeks of dating and that's where it all ended. It was during valentine's day that I went to the void deck of his HDB. I gave him this handmade board that I thought would've helped him since he was really serious about getting a 4.0 GPA for poly. I thought it would've motivated and kept him organized. I'm not big on gifting, I suck at it if you can't tell already. Anyways, I had specifically told him to take the relationship slow because I wasn't ready yet and he just drags me up to meet his parents. I was scared and dumbfounded. I pretended to be alright and went out to meet Jessica and Rex because we had our own little bestie date going on. Fast forward and I'm back home., to Shaun at my house? To me this was too much. It's only been 2 weeks and he's already asking my mom permission to surprise me at my house. I appreciate the gesture but it's too soon for this kinda thing. So to cut everything short, I just ended things with Shaun after that. (By the way, if you kinda wanna read about Jessica's side you can click here.)



After the whole ordeal, I continued clubbing with Jessica like about 2-3 times a week. We decided to head to this place called Aryaa where her classmate was Farah was DJing. We were there to support her so she gave us a couple of drinks and we just danced. While being there we met this guy named Zac, he bought us a few drinks and we just continued dancing till the club closed. Now Zac, he became really close to us overnight. He told us about his LDR and his career and how he was like when he was younger. I wont disclose his age but he's about almost about the amount of fingers you have, older than me. He invited me and Jessica to this house party that his friend was hosting and it turns out that I actually knew his friends from when I was 16.

So things were easy and good for me there until I met this guy, Daniel. He's a really tall, lanky guy decked in black other than his white shirt peeking through his leather jacket. I've also never met a guy who's more suited to an undercut hairstyle than him. He talked to Jessica about bring me and her to a club that he and his close friends frequent. Jessica vowed to take a break from clubbing after getting drunk at Aryaa but upon hearing a key sentence "they're playing trap tonight", it sold her completely so we went. We went there and Jessica met this guy there that was completely hooked on her and there was some things between them after all of this but I that's probably for you to read on her blog. I didn't feel like dancing that much that day so I went back to the seat they had. Speaking of their "seat", it's being the DJ Deck, VIP area, where I saw Yan Kay Kay and her best friend, Eric. What. The. Actual. Fuck. Right there and then that's when I knew that me and Jessica were really like dealing with really big people.

Okay so, I was sitting down and Daniel was sitting beside me. I see him whipping out his phone and I asked him if he wasn't enjoying himself, he told me that this is what he usually does since clubbing isn't exactly his scene, he's more of a pub kinda guy, he told me. He asked if I wasn't having a good time either too since I wasn't dancing with Jessica and I told him about how I didn't feel like dancing and stuff so he just said alright and poured me a drink. He continued to ask me if I was frequent in clubs and I told him I wasn't, which was true, because during that time you could practically count the amount of times I went to clubs on your hand. I told him about how I'm actually a really good girl and how I was really dedicated to my work and studies at the time and I remember his response at the time, it was so cringy and funny at the same time. "You're a good girl? I like that" I practically died inside because I haven't flirted in like the longest time and I wasn't even sure if I knew how to.

He asked if he could bring me out on a lunch date the next day and I agreed that it was fine so he reached into his pocket for his phone and the most legit thing happened, a condom fucking fell out of his pocket. I was like "woah dude" in my mind, and he told me he just wanted to be "safe" so I just ignored it and typed my number into his phone. We had a ramen lunch the next day and we ended up talking about our past relationships and we realized we went though about the same thing. Our connection was there, everything was good but the more everything went well we realized that we just really wanted someone really close to us without having the use of a relationship since it really scared the hell out of both of us. We ended up as really good friends that talk about life and problems as then and when.



Before things stopped with me and Daniel, I was clubbing at this place called Trace with Jessica and we were dancing and she was shaking her booty so hard that she actually landed up a with job. Initially she was offered a job as a go-go dancer there but we ended up being hired as Bottle Girls at this place called MILLIAN. I worked pretty hard there, harder than my last job I had at a bar that my mom worked at too. I had to wear this skimpy attire that they set for me. Here, I'll show you.

 

I feel like the post might go on alittle too long so I'll leave a part two right after this. Also because it's a special post. See you in part two. :)

Ciao.

Inamici

To be completely honest, I've never really given much care about the first two serious relationships I had because they weren't as traumatic as the last two. Let's get into my head shall we?

Now, I've been with A for like what? Around 5 years? And I fell out of love after the 2-3 year mark and because of that, it took a serious toll on us and I have no idea why I chose to continue living like that. I don't understand why I couldn't already broken up with him when I didn't have anymore feelings for him. Now, don't get me wrong, the relationship was dead at this point but both of us kept trying to re-ignite some spark between us but obviously to no avail. I admit, I did a lot of things that I shouldn't have done in that relationship but if I hadn't done it at all, I think all my anger and frustration would have gone towards him instead. He was possibly the nicest out of all the guys I dated but he was incredibly, and I say incredibly manipulative. He gets that way to get what he wants or when he just wants to play the victim. I'm not even entirely sure if he see's it but okay.

I'm a type of person that doesn't hold grudges and a lot of shit went down, I wasn't the only one making mistakes throughout it all. I have mental scars that I have to deal with till this day but I never once really talked about it thoroughly with him, I didn't want that kinda burden. I know what guilt feels like and believe me he made me live with it all the way though the relationship hence why I really couldn't take it anymore and just left when I finally found courage and opportunity.

Now fast forward to this year and guess what? He decides to fuck me up once again, by dating my brother's girlfriend. They say they were both single at this point but bear in mind that my brother, once in awhile has this fights with his girlfriend which usually escalates them into taking small breaks from each other, like longest 2 weeks? But they haven't even broken up for more than a week before she decides to go ahead and date A without saying a word to me or my brother. Like I'm fucking sad at this point because I feel like I wasted time, effort and whatever the fuck I had with her. I don't trust females at all, completely and when she finally appeared and was nice to me I was like holy shit, finally someone I can relate and talk to. But when she gone ahead and done shit like this behind my back, I feel fucking betrayed. Like really, fuck A. I'm just really fucking sad that she'd do that to me. Whatever.

As for R, I've already written too many blog posts about him to seriously give a fuck anymore but whatever he chooses to do with his life you know, let him be. Whatever girl he chooses to destroy next his really his on issue. I'm just disappointed with him. But like the more I think about what Jessica told me I just really giggle. Your words will end up being recycled my dear, and it's fine that you don't understand it but really, it's completely amusing to us and this goes for A as well. Amusing as fuck.

I always thought there were possibilities of ex-boyfriends or girlfriends actually staying in contact just as friends but really, you guys fucked me over too much to even count on that anymore. I rather not have anything to do with you guys at this point. I'd be completely fine if both of you admitted to your mistakes but one thinks it's completely find to just snatch someone's girl and another thinks abuse is a good way to "teach someone a lesson" so really. When either of you decide and finally realize how really dumb you are, you know where I am okay? I'll always end up forgiving, you guys know that but don't think for a second that you'd ever be given a chance to be let in my life again.

Peace.

As seen on Tumblr

                

             

Like I didn’t even wanna put this up but I really want people to see who’s been fucking gold in that relationship. Accusations of me cheating when I haven’t even done it. Telling me I’m a slut because I went clubbing with girls. I put his best interests at hands, lost 10kg for him because he wanted me to look like an FHM model. Bought him things he wanted because I thought he was worth it. Told me I was clingy? Fine, fucker. Find yourself a new girl who actually loved you like I did. I’m so fucking glad I’m over you, you were such a bitch to me and how blind was I to only figure that out a few weeks ago. Good riddance.

Thank god for bestie man. What would I ever do without you <3

--

On a side note, I would like to encourage those in an abusive relationship to GET THE FUCK OUT OF IT. Seriously, I know you love the person hence why you're staying despite it but please, I hope you realize sooner or later that it's just self-destructive. I urge you not to make the same fucking mistakes I did, it's trash and utter bullshit. You're probably thinking they'll change right? Wrong. I mean they might but why risk and put yourself in that situation? If you really love them just leave them till senses reach them. Even if they do say they change, please be passive and careful about it. I don't know much about changes but I read an article about it once and tweeted it out. You can read about it here. Please, please, please be careful. What ever your partner tells you, always remember that you're a beautiful individual and you do not deserve to be treated this way. Basic human rights you know? So anything toxic in your life right now, you can just leave it. You don't need that kinda negativity.

Take care.

Caring or Clingy?

It's very rarely when I find things that leave me in deep thought but the other day when I was reading through articles, I found one that really hit me.

17 Men Define The Difference Between 'Caring' and 'Clingy'

http://thoughtcatalog.com/christine-stockton/2016/02/17-men-define-the-difference-between-caring-and-clingy/

“To me, caring is a gesture someone makes to make me feel loved. Clingy is what someone does when they are insecure and need you to prove you like them enough or something.”

I feel like I've been too clingy in my past relationship. I mistake clingy for being caring and I only realized it a few days ago. A little too late I suppose. But at least now I know what mistake not to make the next time I get into a relationship. Oh, I guess my blog doesn't know. I broke up with Ray a couple of weeks ago. Roughly about 3 weeks to be precise. During that period of time I began dating a guy named Shaun but recently stopped it because I realized he was making the same mistakes as I did and only then I realized the difference between caring and being clingy. I've always been telling people how I can't deal with guys being clingy when I myself didn't know the precise meaning. 

I recently got used to staying home. My mom still asks me for money time to time but no longer large amounts, just small ones for her to scrape by. Sometimes depression really gets hard for me to deal, from time to time I still want to cry from thinking about that day itself. I'm stuck in the middle, it was the right thing for me to do but yet I regret at the same time. Should I have bared it to stay with him longer? But if I did I wouldn't realize the things I recently did. I want to see him, I really do. I want to be supportive. Like during the period of time I was dating Shaun, he told me how 4.0gpa meant the world to him at the moment. He gets GPAs from like 3.50 to 4.0, fluctuating from different years and semesters of course. He's incredibly talented and I respected his earnest efforts for wanting to get a 4.0 this semester too. Flirty texts were accompanied by support from me asking him to continue his studies and making sure he gets enough sleep for the next day. Making sure he studies, does his presentation and projects and even accompanying him and helping him, I even read his notes with him and continued asking him questions about them even though it isn't beneficial to me at all.

He cares so much for me. There was a day when I got drunk and no one would pick me up and he appeared out of no where even though he had school the next day, he picked me up from the curb of Zouk when I was pissed drunk and lying on the floor. He walked me to the cab and made sure I was okay. He told me that he cares about me and it's okay that my ex doesn't because I had him. He leaned in and kissed me even though I vomited 20 minutes ago. He said I still looked beautiful. He greeted my mom and Wally, he made sure I got into the shower before settling me on my bed. He made sure not to take advantage of me in that state. He gave me a hug, kissed me on my forehead and left.

A few days after that he came over to my house to go jogging with him in the morning. He jogs 5km in 30 minutes (what the fuck, incredibly fast lah). My lungs kept giving out during the run and he made sure that he was pacing the slow me right and making sure I was breathing okay. He's super sweet and that sucks. Despite how sweet he is, I find myself thinking about Ray all the time. Why can't I just move on already? I can't bear delete his pictures from my phone but so easily delete things from Shaun the moment I stopped dating him. Shaun deserves my love but I keep envisioning things to be precisely as how Ray left it. Random moments of us doing our own things, silent conversations during dates while we used our phones and did our own shit while waiting for food to arrive to our tables. I should have went for the walk he wanted that day, maybe he would have talked and told me how he felt. I realized we never talked of our feelings and emotions after each argument or break up. Wrong, very wrong. No wonder we couldn't last. I don't think I'll ever get the chance to talk to him about this anymore. I should give up. He's not coming back for me.

I keep looking at our pictures from before and it still feels so vivid. Nene's, Nandos, Starwars, Playing with Elvis, ZoukOut, Exercise, Malaysia, Poly, Ice Skating, Alaska, ITE, Universal Studios, Movie Nights on the red floor couch, The first stay over and our first night at the hotel. Ah, I'm tearing up again. I should stop here really. I can't keep thinking of you like this, it's not the same anymore even if we get back together. So this is probably the end. Let's hope I make more new memories and forget yours. You shouldn't be my pain Ray. I've never had pain until the end of last year. I was happy despite my depression and what not. I had you and that was all I ever needed. Please just, I hope you were happy too. Because if you are we would finally have something in common again. I hope I'll never come to regret memories with you like I did with Aason. You're better than him, surely. Okay, let's end here. It's already 5:02AM.

Goodnight Blog.

Suffocated

There comes days where the over thinking starts, today is one of them.

Happy.

Beyond my escalated thoughts of suicides come thoughts of distant happiness that's not so distant. I know the paths to take and I know the stamina needed to overcome such hurdles as these but I don't know why I can't take the steps needed to pursue what I really want.

Emotions.

Not even my emotions but others. Emotions from people around me are beginning to suffocate me. I feel like it's going to be the death of me. I begin to talk about death again as though it's such an easy thing. You see, with a mind like mine, it's probably understandable how "easy" it is. I began my thoughts of anxiety these past hours and I feel like I came to a conclusion but once again I can't seem to take the measurable steps needed. Everything feels against me, it feels like I can't move once again.

Ease.

I wish someone would comfort me. Talk to me. Tell me words of wisdom and tell me things will turn out just fine. I crave comfort. I crave support. I feel so bare. I'm not strong enough to protect myself just yet. All I want is to curl into a ball and wait for April to come.

I need help.

Personal?

Is a blog supposed to be something personal? Can something personal be "artistic' when it sounds of a personal past event drawn so closely to that person, is it still 'artistic'? I dont know. I might be out of it.

I'm getting my meds tomorrow so hopefully it all just ends.