Sometimes

Sometimes you don't get what you want in life and it could be about the littlest things you always thought possible about. Like a simple chat to get everything though. Sadness. Depression. I don't know where I'm even going with this. I don't like it.

Sometimes I really miss conversations with two individuals just laying down in bed, no sexual tension, no nothing. But they just start to talk about life and what they want and how they feel. I feel like that's what keeps the relationship going.

Aside from whatever it is I just really wish he had better judgment of the friends he choses. Why would anyone befriend or date a slut. What good comes from it and what good ever continues after. Ugh. Why am I even ranting here. I should be inside watching him play his video games. I really need to figure out how to get my head in check. Someone help.

Sick

I don't know how to start. My health isn't particularly great all these recent. I feel like I'm surrounded by clouds, everything feels really light. I don't feel like I'm really here, might be the medication.

I feel sleepy again, I don't know how long this would go on. I kept thinking how I don't regret a single bit being with you even though the rough patches. I chose your happiness over mine, if that isn't love I don't know what is.

Everything so quiet here, I hear the rain drops. I want to see you.

Excuse me,

I'll be happier today

I never thought I'd be so frequent on this blog anymore. I feel terrible, especially since I only write when I'm either sad, depressed or in love. My blog doesn't deserve that kinda treatment. So this is going to be the last sad post about my post break up that I'm ever going to write again.

To be honest, it's getting harder and harder to write. The words don't flow out as they used to, it takes way to much to express my thoughts into words. I feel more kept in recently. I've had the awesome support of friends by my side during a dark time like this. I really don't want to hate on Ray to be honest. He has his good points during the times in our relationship. I don't know what I'm missing anymore because it feels like a fog. I just wish he'd made the effort to keep the relationship going. It's bad but during the one of my many break downs, I found myself thinking  how I should've just tie him down  when I could. Silly, I know. I wish I knew what were in his head so I could accept everything. I really tired, I would say I'm exhausted but I'm really not. I really gave my all and I should be proud I tried. I doubt anyone would do such a thing given the position I was in.

I took an off day to replenish myself. Since October 15, I've done nothing but push myself to the extreme. Kept in emotions, exercising, eating, projects, school, work, internship, friends. To most this probably seem like nothing much but it took a lot of time and effort for me. I'm diagnosed with major depression and anxiety. But somethings are still the same, I pack a my room, still a mess, I eat, I still lose weight,  I go to school, I end up taking MC sometimes. Everything's really rushed for me.

I've considered rebounds but I don't think I want to do that to anyone, plus I might run the risk of actually falling in love and breaking my heart again since I fall in love with sincerity so easily. Dating doesn't feel like dating. Dating feels like torture. I feel so bored with dates and I feel really anxious if it goes well. During the span of one month, I've done too much. I fucked myself over, got drunk, got lost, made mistakes, got hurt and probably more I can't even remember. I do all of this to rid of you and yet you're still a ghost. You're always around. I feel like I'd have to get drunk all the time to not care about your ghost.

Read your blog today, it's written a week ago but I just read it today and it was the most fucked up piece of shit I've ever heard. It's really two-faced of you to say you never had love, never had the girl that was willing to "Marry You" but judging from the delusions you're currently living in seems like you really just need to work on yourself. I'm so disappointed in myself to think that I really respected you and looked up to you despite all your flaws. You gave up your diamond for a rock, so don't call me out saying I'm the one who caused all this. Don't even try drowning me in your pool of sorrow you created when all I did was jump in and tried to save you.

You're not worth me.

The Poet's Dream

“Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back. That's part of what it means to be alive. But inside our heads - at least that's where I imagine it - there's a little room where we store those memories. A room like the stacks in this library. And to understand the workings of our own heart we have to keep on making new reference cards. We have to dust things off every once in awhile, let in fresh air, change the water in the flower vases. In other words, you'll live forever in your own private library.”
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

--

She found peace in your chaos. Intertwined, divine and also blind. A sudden refuge in a small portion of your heart. Mindlessly she walked, in an unkempt and unkind mind. Mirrors of ice and shards began to fall, as undetermined she was through it all, she persevered and trotted on, thinking and hoping that all good wasn't gone. Lament, a feeling she greeted. Torment, she forced fed. Continuous washes of waves, day after day, he decided it was not needed. Confused and distraught, all she thought. She couldn't continue, she wouldn't even fight. Day to night, all she did was cry.

Minutes to hours, days to weeks. Beginnings she perused. Happiness faked but true. Push on, push off what comes next? Hurdles appeared and people mocked, she pressed on without much thought. "Better, better I have to be. Someone worth loving and it only has to be me."

She reached a day, it was near the end, she finally found the will that she wanted to spend. Wishes to ideas and ideas to reality, a step a day was all she had but due, due she was afraid she would reach. Clock ticking, second to second, weary she began. For all the time she had spent, her only wishes were to amend, amend everything wrong in her life and give herself meaning. Happiness is what she seeks and potential, everyone said she has. The pages continue yet again.

--

I'm happy.
 Are you happy? I mean, before you fall asleep – are you really happy?

Not okay.

Turns out we weren't okay. I had so many things so say but I know so well that you fell for someone else. Today I saw her tweet "I lava you" and you were making me sing that song on the ukulele with you. I felt so stung. You had a moment with me but used it to serenade another girl. I really hope that you feel is worth it.

All I hoped was for us to be together and to be able to work things out. I guess things just never seem to go my way. I'm trying to do my best without you but it's still hard.

I went to Lot 1 today searching for the Star Wars: Battlefront game you wanted but it isn't out on the PS4 till 17 November so I just got the Telltale series of Back To The Future for you. I kinda hope you like it.

I packed up my room and packed the things you got for me away. It starts to hurt severely when I see them. I feel like everything's gone now. Its so hard having to pretend like you dont exist. All I wanted was to love you. I still do.

3AM Thoughts.

I would probably start of straight away with my problems this time but I would feel like I had to address my previous posts. I think think about deleting them but I don't really want to. Their my memories of the existing past I had and I don't want anyone to take that away from me at all. Then again, I might delete it. We'll see.

I haven't blogged in a real long time, I haven't got the time or means to. I guess I should start off with a summary of things. I broke up with Aason last year, around June. A few days after I got back from Surabaya. Before the trip I was working at Garena Carnival and I met a really dreamy guy. Sure he's dorky and had a really awkwardly moody smile but he is attractive. He has a smile that's capable of melting even the sun. But we didn't really hit it off till the 12 July 2014, that's when our relationship started. It was rocky and it's still rocky, I had come to love him in million ways I never thought possible. It's been a really long time since someone was able to open my heart up like that, it almost had seemed like he held the key from the very start but was waiting for the right moment to unlock it. I'm grateful for the amounts of time that we've spent together. From the start and possibly to the end, I don't want it to end. I've never loved someone this much in my life. I really wish I knew how to prove it. I just want to be happy with him. I want to go out on dates, talk about meaningless things that don't matter or things that do, either way. But being able to just have a conversation with him, look at him, do things with him, text him, it just really puts and ease on my heart and when we're away, you know normally I'd expect for me to lose it all, all my feelings like it did with my Ex. But it's different, I just dread the days, miss him more, love him more, want to see him more. I've never felt like that. I never wanted to please someone so badly. I wanted a person like that to be my love set partner for life and I don't settle down like that. I'd probably just rush in search for someone better but there is no one better. No one that makes my heart race or pound like he does. I still get butterflies with every kiss or hug he gives me. Every "I love you" that traces off his lips makes me melt. I've never felt that kinda love in my life. I thought it only existed in books. I really want him to love me. The imperfect me that's trying so hard. It's so hard to stop myself from crying. I doubt no one would really understand because a love like this is so rare..

We got into a fight over something stupid. I didn't want him to look at my phone, I had talked to Aletheia and my classmate about gifts that I wanted to make for him. I didn't want him to see. Also because I got confronted by a girl and had my hair pulled. She texted me to apologize but I didn't want him to see. I didn't know how to reply her, nor did I want to talk about it. It's been really moody ever since I've been back to school. I have fun at school but it's stressful actually doing the work. My teachers are nice and all but when we study, we study really hard. My notebook is full of notes like everyone else in my class. I don't really like showing parts of me cause I'm jumbled up and I might not look serious or I might have many personalities as Ray says. I know he's working  hard for himself because of how self efficient he wants to be. I respect that a lot. I really love how he is, even when he's angry. He really looks cute when he gives an angry face but it's probably inappropriate for me to say so when he's angry. I'd want to giggle sometimes, looking at him. He gets really cute. I'm just afraid one day someone else would see him the way I do and want him. He's special to me, like no one else ever was.

My thoughts seem to keep racing. "If I leave and give him what he wants, will we get back together in the future? would he still love me till then?" "If I give him all the space he desires, he'll still want me right? would he love me more?" There's still more but It might take up my whole blog trying to type out whats on my mind all the time.

I'm going to see him later, before I head to the polyclinic. The doctor said something about some severe gastric hence the burning and pain. I really should get it checked out, it's been near a month. It's gross but I've been farting and going to the toilet constantly. My pains at like 9/10 now. I hope it subsides tomorrow. I just took some stomach medication and some painkillers. I really need to see him tomorrow. I need to tell him how I feel before it's all gone. I ABSOLUTELY cannot have him leave me. Way way way way too precious. I hope everything goes well.

To the love of my life, Ray Quek Xuan Hao
I love you very very much, much much more than words can describe. I hope we'll be okay.