BLACK BOX VOTING, REDUX

SG Proves 2006 Elections Were Fixed!

(Waldenburg, AR) As Arkansas is “Clinton Country,” it should come as little surprise that the first solid evidence that the mid-term elections were rigged was discovered not far from where the former president groped his first intern. The crack investigative team of Spurious George has learned that in tiny Waldenburg, “official” election results showed zero votes for a mayoral candidate, despite the fact he voted for himself! In addition to his own vote, candidate Randy Wooten has alleged, “I had at least eight or nine people who said they voted for me, so something is wrong with this picture!*” While SG has long believed that exit polls are inherently misleading, it seems highly unlikely that nine of Wooten’s friends would lie just to avoid hurting his feelings.

At issue is the use of electronic voting machines, which registered 18 votes for each of Wooten’s two opponents who, for all we know, also cast their votes for Wooten. State officials, more than likely holdovers from the Clinton era, have predictably thus far refused to crack open the “black boxes” to inspect for suspicious irregularities, or to order a re-count. Sneered Poinsett County Election Commissioner Junaway Payne, “It's our understanding from talking with the secretary of state's office that a court order would have to be obtained in order to open the machine and check the totals.*” Payne added that such a response was typical of “those big-city Little Rock lawyering folks!”

A run-off election between the two (allegedly) top vote-getters is scheduled for November 28th, and ironically Wooten’s vote could break the deadlock…if it’s counted, of course. “I feel so damn disenfranchised, I don’t reckon I’ll vote this time around,” harrumphed Wooten.


* - Indicates actual quote