Silver lining

An interrupted night. . .many times. Patience today people. Patience. Yet, there is silver in the interruptions. My sweet little girl fell asleep in my arms after struggling with who knows what. Gary asked her what was wrong, but she is unable to put voice to that kind of information yet. I enjoyed cuddling, holding, kissing and praying for her at 2:00. I was able to spend a few extra minutes with my man before he left for CA. Our alarms went off together at 3:15 and because I was still awake, we cuddled and just enjoyed being together. I even got a bit of a back rub. Mmmmmm 6:00 found me woken up again as my oldest "not quietly" got up to use the bathroom. I summoned him to my room and had a beautiful grin thrown my way--complete with big holes. The boy has lost 3 teeth in 2 weeks. He is cuter than every and I might add HUGE. Ah, my quiet is over. It is just past 7:00 and I'm being shown spiderman stickers by Simon who got them yesterday at the dollar store and slept with them. Each duck went with daddy and got to pick out something special. They also received a chat about "taking care of mommy". The boys have turned on every light in the house (why?) and are downstairs examining Garrison's bow and arrow. We hit the ground running. Silver. This morning when I hit a lull, I hope to be able to find the good, to mine the silver rather than just see the dirt. May there be lots of silver in your day as well.

Taking the plunge

I blogged about a month ago about the possibility of transferring our kids into the new Mandarin Immersion program at Zeeland Christian.  Well, the answer is a big "YES".

After all the list making, after all the stress, after going to all the meetings. . . we just decided to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit.  Frankly, I'm glad that it comes down to that.  I'm glad that God opened the doors and asked us to follow Him.  He is allowing it and I am trusting Him.

That doesn't mean that all of the stress goes away.  It doesn't mean that I cease being nervous and scared.   It means that when those doubts and fears raise their ugly heads, I can give voice and say "I trust Him."  Then, I put it away.  I'm allowing myself to grieve, but I'm also allowing myself to celebrate that God is asking us to step out in faith and trust Him to do something our school has never done before.  Doesn't He love my kids more than me?  Doesn't He want the best for our family?  Didn't He ask us to go to China to get our son because Simon was living there and not in our home where he belonged?  How amazing He has given us an opportunity to celebrate our son's heritage right here in our little community--and at a Christian School no less!

So though our family, friends and the school knew about our decision, I realized my blogging family didn't.  Here we go a a new adventure!  Now I'm trying to recruit other kids to join mine in the classroom.  :)

Gerald Sprick

Gary's biological dad died on Friday.  Jerry was 73.

It is hard to believe that Gary was just there two weeks ago.  He sat with his father, looked at pictures, laughed and cried.  Things went very fast and in many ways, we are thankful.  We are thankful that Jerry doesn't have to suffer anymore.  We are thankful that Gary was able to spend some great time with him.  We are thankful that Jerry was able to hear the message of Jesus before he died.  Simon asked me yesterday if Grandpa Jerry was in heaven.  I had to respond that I didn't know.

Gary will fly out again early Wednesday morning and then return home late Saturday night.  He'll attend the service, finalize the house to be sold, take care of Jerry's personal things, and head to Pirates Cove to sprinkle Jerry's ashes.  Just Jerry and Gary.  Father and Son.

You know, this stuff with Jerry has taken a bunch of time over the past few weeks.  No doubt there will be a lot more time involved settling the estate.  Part of me gets a little miffed that our family is missing out on some serious husband and dad time.  Part of me gets a little miffed that Jerry didn't have everything together in the first place.  Part of me gets a little miffed that once again I'm a single mom.

Put away that miffing Shanda!  When I look beyond myself that miffing goes away.  How blessed that Gary and Jerry were able to be together.  Yeah!  How good that Gary is smart and responsible so that he can be trusted with handling Jerry's affairs--he understands the jargon and know who he needs to talk to if he doesn't understand.  How wonderful that I know I can handle being a mom to four kids for a few days.  Sure I might be a little crabby at times, but we will have enough food.  We will laugh.  We will do our things at school.  We will not fall apart.  We may. . . even be blessed!  We'll appreciate Gary a ton while he is gone and that my friends is good for me.

Then, we'll be leaving.  I'm just letting you know.  We'll be taking off for Chicago with our three oldest for an overnight.  We'll travel by car, we'll worship with friends, we'll go swimming, we'll eat out, we'll go to the Shedd Aquarium, and we'll meet up with Jerry's step-kids and have a little ole family reunion.  It'll be good for us to be together after being apart.  It is also nice to have a great goal at the end of our separation.

Our first parent death.  Thankfully there are still four left.  I pray we get to keep those for a long time.

Welcome Home!

I love going to the airport and welcoming folks home.  I just love going to the airport.  Gary arrived back home last Thursday and we made a night of it!  Noel and I dressed up.  She wore one of her Aunt Kate's old dressy dresses, put lots of bows in her hair, and had some silver pom poms.  (The pom poms never made it into any pictures--they were certainly there though!) We cheered and yelled "daddy" as soon as we saw him.  He said it made him feel special.  Guess what---he is.

 I was so thankful for a lego table!  It occupied them for about. . . 10 minutes.  Then we did relay races.  Good time.

 Penny dumped out the entire contents of the Goldfish bag right before Gary arrived.  Thanks for that!

 He is finally here!  Lots of smiling and shouting.  Nothing like four kids, several welcome home signs, and bright pink lipstick kisses from your wife.

Garrison took this photo of us.  We look like GIANTS!  I was also wearing my pink pajama pants and my pink croc boots.  Yeah, I love him.  (And he loves me too!)

Gorgeous! 

"sigh"

So we took down the crib this morning. Penny played all morning on her new bed. She was so exhausted this afternoon that she fell asleep right away, but slept very little and was crabby all afternoon. Boo. Now I think she is a bit scared. I would be too. Little person, big bed, limited vocabulary, no more safety bars. . . So I'm sitting here in the room both for comfort and for security. She keeps greeting out, standing up, playing with the shades, crying on and off, and just generally doing everything but sleep. Good times. I have the iPad and am blogging away. It'll take a bit, but we'll make it. No worries, just a pain right now. Ah yes, the life of being a parent. Then there is also the life of being a son. Gary is working so much on his dad's estate. He is the executor and things don't always go so smoothly when all the stuff is in California. We are thankful for computers, fax machines, overnighted mail and the phone. Jerry's nurse thought he might live through the end of next week, although the reports today were more encouraging. Then does he fly back out? Do I go with him? He had a conversation about heaven with his step daughter Laura after Gary left. We are encouraged by that. And so it goes. One child cries because his mean mom makes him each three French beans for supper. We laugh together while watching America's Funniest Home Videos. We don't make it to Meijer for groceries and have a very eclectic lunch. I go through the girls room and have two boxes of stuff to get rid of. I walk on the treadmill to Top Chef. We are good. We are normal. We are blessed.

Monkey girl

Well, I thought I was in a pretty good place.  I knew that all my kids would be different from each other, but my confidence grew as I walked through different stages with each one.  Potty training, switching from formula to milk, riding a bike, goose eggs on foreheads. . . I've seen a fair amount of things.  So, here we are.  Child number 4.  Deciding to change the rules.

She is climbing out of her crib.  I know some of you are shaking your heads and smiling, but this mama, she aint' doin' no smilin'.  This is new.  Not one of my other kids climbed out of their cribs.  I am tired!

Penny won't stay in when we put her down.  I put her in time out eight times one night.  She won't stay in her crib during the night.  She likes to get out and crawl into bed with Noel and wake her up.  Poor girl.  Noel is sleeping right now because Penny woke her up twice last night--in the middle of the night!  Gary and I woke up hearing Noel's sleepy voice saying "help please".  Penny was hitting her in the face with her pacifier.   Penny will wake at 6:00 and go wake Noel up.  During the day she is smart enough to not come out of her room even though her door is cracked open.  Instead, she'll pull all of the clothes out of her drawers.  She'll get into her closet.  I found her this morning sitting in the laundry basket wearing a rain boot and reading a book.  ACK!
We'll be putting her in a big bed sometime this week.  I'm washing her new sheets right now.  Hopefully we can teach this chica how to stay put!

Oh, and she has decided to climb into her high chair as well!  She climbs in and tells me when she needs a "nack peas.  Yes I do!"  Love her!

He's home. . . sorta :)

Gary is back.  I'll post pictures of our pick-up after he downloads them.  :)

Gary did a ton of work on his visit with his dad.  He didn't even sleep the night before he left so that he could continue going through documents.  Dying can be messy.  Messy with papers.  Messy with relatives.  Messy with the body shutting down.  Messy with fighting.  Gary didn't encounter any messy with people, just with papers.  Amen!  He worked with Jerry to put everything where it needed to be.  He talked with other relatives.  He talked with Jerry's step kids.  He is good. . . my man is good.  Everything is almost together.  There is still more to do, but we are almost there.  It does prevent Gary from being completely home though.  We held hands the whole way home and after putting the kids to bed, we sat together and talked, listened, and did some more hand holding.  It is good for us to be together again.

In a Spiritual sense, it does feel good to "Honor thy Father. . . "  There is something about taking care of a parent, no matter what the relationship, that feels right.  Gary was able to talk with Jerry about so many things.  They sat together, laughed together and cried together.  Gary said "good-bye" to him and knows it will be the last time that he sees him alive.  It is such an interesting road to be on and not one that is traveled very often.  This will be the first death of a parent for both of us.  There are so many mixed emotions in it all.  Gary did talk with Jerry about faith, though not in the way that I envisioned it.  I need to remember it isn't my vision that matters, but God's vision.  Gary feels really great about the conversations that he shared with Jerry.  Gary also talked with his Auntie Annie and a cousin David about living a life with Christ.  I love it that God used him to touch three lives.  Whether they chose to follow Jesus or not. . . only God knows.  I will continue to pray for them as well as love them.

Thanks for praying us through six days apart.  They seemed like a long time and yet it seems like he was barely gone.  Friends and family helped me a ton and I'm overwhelmed with joy at it all.  I was also so thankful today to pack a lunch for my husband while he sat at the table with the kids and showed them some coins from Grandpa Jerry.  My heart runneth over.

Single parents

I'm tipping my hat to single parents.
You don't have someone to give you a moment off.
You don't have someone else to brush the teeth of your children.
You don't have someone to give a wink to or roll your eyes at.
You don't have someone to help you load up breakfast plates, or lunch plates, or supper plates.
You don't have someone to help you cut up food.
You don't have someone to help you put the dishes away.
You don't have someone to ask for advice about discipline.
You don't have someone to crash on the couch with after all the kids are in bed.
You don't have someone else to watch the kids while you shower.
You don't have someone else.

I grieve for my friends who are new widows.  I grieve for my friends who are separated or divorced.  I respect you and can't even begin to know how difficult and challenging and frustrating is can be for you.

I've been a single parent for two days.  It is going great.  Great.  Really and truly.  I know though that my Gary will be returning on Tuesday.  I know that I need to have the patience of two parents for only two more days.  Not everyone gets that opportunity.

God bless you.

12 dollars

I just spent 12 dollars that I shouldn't have spent.  Ugh!  I could have gotten so many other things with $12.00. That would have been a shared dinner for Gary and I.  I could have fed my family for a day.  I could have sponsored someone somewhere.  I could have bought a terrarium or gotten pictures of my dearly loved blown up and plastered them all over my sliding glass door.  Twelve dollars.

Gary is leaving tomorrow to go and see Jerry: his biological father.  Though they aren't close and Gary doesn't consider him to be his dad,but  they do have a relationship.  Jerry is dying and has asked to see three people before he passes--Gary is one of those people.  Gary flies out tomorrow and comes home on Tuesday night.  Would you join me in praying for a big thing. . . a really big thing. . . the biggest thing ever?  Jerry knows who Jesus is, but doesn't have a relationship with Him.  I really believe that God is using Gary to share the joy of Jesus with Jerry.  I get so emotional when I talk about it.  I'm praying and praying that the Holy Spirit washes over both Gary and Jerry!  This is big stuff: eternal stuff.  I'm so honored that God would use my husband for a job such as this.  Auntie Annie doesn't know Jesus either so I'm praying that Gary can share with her again the Good News!  What a huge four days!  I also recognize that Gary is willing, but Jerry and Annie both need to make the choice to ask Jesus into their hearts.  Oh--pray with me!

So with Gary leaving, I wanted to get him some candy for the trip.  I love my man.  I know that he really likes good chocolate.  I had to volunteer in the boys' class this afternoon, so we headed to the candy store afterwards to pick up some chocolate for daddy.  The candy store is dreamy for kids--and makes them ask the same questions over and over and over and over.  The candy store also has buttons and lids and pull things for Jelly Bellies.  The sign says "you pull you pay".  Garrison can't read that yet.  He is six.  He is curious.  He sees a pull and pulls it.  Out falls over a pound of Jelly Bellies.  Aye!  I know own $12.00 of chocolate ice cream jelly bellies.  Not sure that Gary will like those.  I also threw away $.25 because I let the boys each pick out something and Simon left his at the store.  Awesome.

He did it!

Garrison is afraid to pull out his teeth.  I probably was too.  Up until five days ago, he had lost two.  The first one he swallowed and the second came out when his face got hit by a sled.
This past week-end, his top two teeth were both hanging.  On Monday afternoon Simon punched Garrison in the face and Garrison rejoiced because his tooth came out!  Yeah!  (Garrison wasn't upset at all-and neither was I.  Simon was excited to have punched him.)

Then, Garrison comes home from school on Wednesday and his tooth is just hanging on, but he can't bring himself to pull it out.





Gary offers up his pliers.   I laugh and laugh.  Could he really do it?  We all trooped off to the bathroom to serve as witnesses.







 Lo and behold--HALLELUJAH!  He did it.  With everyone looking on, he did it!  He was as shocked as anyone else and we all celebrated.

Now we are off to the Dollar Store for marbles and one shooter.  "Mom, you can get a bag of marbles and one real shooter!"  He has to spend his dollar coin that he received for his tooth.  (He spent the first dollar on TicTacs.  Seriously?  TicTacs?  His money = his choice.)

I really think kids with two missing top teeth are the most adorable ever.  I make Garrison smile at me so many times a day.  I can't get over it and I giggle when I hear him talking.  I'm sad that I can already see his grown-up teeth coming in.  I was hoping for a few gummy months.

Jesus Jesus Jesus

I'm sitting in front of the computer listening to gospel music on Pandora.  I decided to hit up something new for this afternoon and I'm being blessed.  I generally listen to Christian Contemporary music. . . or Christmas or NPR or the various kids cds we have in the car.  This is my music listening life.  Today however something is different.  I needed something different.  "Jesus Jesus Jesus" is being played.  I've never heard it before and I like it.  Yes, I'm being blessed with new words in new tunes and in new ways.  Yeah!

I made new bars yesterday for Bible study this morning.  This was not a good idea.  Try new recipes for good friends or immediate family-this is my tip for the day.  I realized that impressing my dear friends on Tuesday morning is way too important to me.  Ah. . . "Soon and Very Soon" just begun.  Thank you Jesus!  It is good for me to be humbled.  It is also good for me to quickly try to make another batch of cookies a half hour before going to church and having that go. . . horribly wrong!  It was horrible, it just wasn't right.  I disregarding the whole "chill the batter" thing.  When a recipe says to chill the batter--it means it.  I also burned onions while making lunch.  My house reeks and I have 20 crappy cookies on the counter.  Sometimes I need that.  I, I mean Gary forgot to put money under Garrison's pillow for the tooth he lost yesterday.  Laugh Shanda.  Laugh and have joy and clean up the onions and give the cookies to your kids and put money under the pillow tonight and realize that you are not the best. . . but you are the best for this house, for these kids, for these moments.

I'm continually being made new.  I'm continually learning what it means to be a better mom.  I'm trying to learn how to be a better wife.  I'm learning.

Gary's biological father discovered five masses in his body this week-end.  Well, he didn't discover them. . . but was told of the discovery by the doctors.  :)  Gary is looking to fly out to California sometime soon.  Jerry (Gary's biological father) has opted for no treatment, just care.  A friend arrived at my house on Sunday sharing with us that her mom had been hit by a car while on a walk.  My friend left to go and see her mama.  I would too.  Her mom is going to be o.k.--lots of cuts, sore, a few broken bones. . . .Oh friends.

Life is more than good bars and praise from friends.  I'm thankful for that.  Otherwise, I'd be in a heap of trouble.

Soon and very soon we are going to see the King.  No more crying there!  No more dying there!  Soon and very soon I am going to see the King!

Gotta love him

I get woken up by someone in my family almost every night.  I also sometimes wake up to use the bathroom.  That is less an indication of my older age and rather the result of my drinking a caffiene free Diet Coke right before bed.  Ahem.
I am accustomed to the usual bad dreams, wet pants, teething, falling out of bed, afraid of the dark, random crying and once an "I just missed you mommy."  Add to that my husband who is on call every few weeks and receives phone calls and text messages in the middle of the night.  I also have times when I just wake up for no apparent reason and am led to pray.  I really don't mind those times because it brings friends and family to mind.  Plus, I feel honored the the Lord trusted me enough to wake me up and do a little work.  :)
Last night was a new one.
Sometime after 3:00 I was awakened by a push on my shoulder.  This would be Garrison my strongest son.

"Mom, I swallowed a silly band."
"What?"
"I swallowed a silly band."
"What are you doing with a silly band in the middle of the night?"
"I put it in my mouth and then I just swallowed it."
"Well, go get a drink and you'll poop it out sometime tomorrow."
"What?!?"
I poke Gary in an effort to get some confirmation that I indeed speak the truth.  "Gary. . . Gary. . . Garrison swallowed a silly band.  That isn't any big deal right?"  "Yup."  (Gary has no recollection of this conversation.)
"See.  Now go get a drink and get back in bed."

Garrison left and fell back asleep.  I think that is what he did.  I hope that is what he did.  :)

When I got up in the morning I wondered whether this conversation had indeed happened.  I found out that it was true.  All true.  I overheard Garrison telling Simon about the silly band.  I found myself smiling and thinking that I love my life and that I will have to blog about it!  This isn't one I'd like to forget.

14 days of love

Amy from my adoption on-line community throws a love party the first 14 days of February.  Mmmm. . . I just might do the same.  (Typing out loud.)  Anyway, she asks all of us adoptive mamas questions and then everyone who answers is entered into a drawing for the day--usually a gift card.  Starbucks, Target, Bath and Body Works. . . something that is easy to ship and works for folks all over the country.  We live all across the United States and it is cool to pray, cry, laugh with, laugh at, and rejoice with these folks.

Today we were asked to write down five things that we are thankful for.  She acknowledged that we all love our Father, His Son, our husbands if we have them, and our kids.  She wanted us to look around us. . . our very usual day. . . the ordinary. . . and share what we are thankful for.  I thought I'd share my list with you.  It will also give you a picture of my early morning.

Today I'm thankful for:

1. Having another box of cake mix when the first one didn't make enough cupcakes 
for a 1/2 birthday treat today.
2. Forgiveness from my son when I yelled at him because of cupcake stress.
3. A husband who has a job and goes out even when getting called at 5:00 a.m.
4. For a daughter who woke up at 6:00 (boo) because now she is down for a nap 
and I can check my e-mail in peace.
5. Kids who are learning to spell.


Woo-Hoo!

My new friends

Hi all!

I might know you.  I might not know you.  If I don't know you personally. . . perhaps you'd like to know me better.  Perhaps you think I'm kinda a crazy nut.  Perhaps you wish I blogged more or maybe less.  Perhaps you joined in our adoption journey and are disappointed there aren't more posts about that.  Maybe you've been learning about addiction or living as an addict or living with an addict or you know my folks.  Maybe you've been drifting off because the drama is for the most part gone.  Let's face it, we like to read about drama.  Maybe you love me and are a part of my life whether weekly or yearly.

I've been thinking about such things because I follow a number of blogs.  I don't have them posted on the side bar.  I'm not so talented as you've gathered.  Some are dear friends.  Some are folks that I know, but not on a regular friendship kind of thing.  Some I've stumbled upon be it as a recommendation, a link from a blog I follow, a common interest, or in one case. . . I hit the "next blog" button and am praying for a couple who had an embryo implantation.  Exciting!

So, I've been thinking that I feel like I know these people.  Anna who lost her son Jack.  Never met her.  Never will (until we get to heaven).  I weep with her, pray for her, and have even referred to hear as "my friend".  Is she?  Kelle lives in Florida and is a photographer and author.  I know we would get along. . . except I think we really wouldn't get along.  I want to get along with her.  I want to snuggle with her girls.  WHAT?!  I feel like I'm a better sewer because I love Rae.  I don't know how to sew but feel like I totally could buy one of her patterns.  I love Mondays and Thursdays because Katie comes for a visit.  She might even name a cow after me and I'd be honored.  I follow so many DenBleyker and their relatives blogs it isn't even funny. . . well of course it is funny.

Blogging has given me an intimacy with friends and real/imaginary people.  Where are the lines?  Do you feel this way about me.

See, I don't blog about everything.  I'm very careful what I put on here.  I'm honest-yes.  I don't share everything though.  I think neither you nor I could handle it.  But. . . I'm curious.  I'd love to sit down and ask my cyber friends a few questions--these folks I think I know and love so well--but it is all fake.  Do you have questions for me?  Perhaps there is a gaping hole you'd like to be filled.  Feel free to leave a comment or shoot me an e-mail at s.koeman@yahoo.com.  Maybe I'll chat about it, maybe I'll think about the mean things you said, maybe I'll be blessed, maybe I'll be changed for good.

I'm thankful for you.  Blogging gives me a outlet, a record, a place to process. . . I find myself thinking about what I could write about.  I think it is healthy for me.  Thanks for reading.  For this girl who needs affirmation regularly, you are certainly helping me out.