Haircut

I'm a pretty low maintenence gal. Tinted mouisturizer and a little blush (we've covered how pale I am in a previous post) are about all I've got. Why? First, it seems to fit me. Second, Gary likes it. Done.
So, last week Monday I got my haircut. I've been growing it out so that I can put it into a ponytail (low maintenence). I finally got it in a ponytail and I realized several things. First, I love that! It is easy easy easy. Second, I really don't look that great with a ponytail. Third, all I was doing was wearing it in a ponytail. I decided that there are times when I like to feel mildly attractive, so I found a picture that I adored on-line and went to chop it off. It is still low maintence which I just established is me. Yeah!

pause


I don't think it is short enough. I like it, but not entirely. Can I have a witness?!? I know some of you raised your hand. It's like the new cookie recipe that I made for Bible Study tomorrow morning. It isn't bad. . . it's o.k., but you won't be asking me for the recipe. Bummer. I was excited about that one too. My hair is the same way. It's o.k. You don't look and think, "bad haircut", but you don't really think it looks great either. It is a great cut (love Tina!), but I don't think that anyone will ask me for the recipe. So, I found a solution.

Gary is going to cut it. Tonight. In about 20 minutes. Yup.

I'll try and post a comment tomorrow after it is all "done up". Bible Study might be interesting tomorrow morning, and not just because Esther is absolutly amazing. :)

Socks

Yesterday was one of those days. I didn't do well. Do you ever have one of those days? I ate too much. Then I was unhappy with myself so I ate some more. ACK! This was a problem. I was so tired that I sent the three older kids downstairs and I laid on the couch. What a slacker! I also was a little crabby. Shh.

I don't like those days, but it does make me think about what triggered it, what I can do to change it, etc. I knew that things weren't well. I told Gary that things weren't going well, that I didn't feel well, that I ate two granola bars. I talked with God about it. Things gradually turned around and I even made myself go for a walk after supper which helped a ton.

Today I feel better. I have a new attitude because I chose to. I didn't like how I felt yesterday and I promised myself that I would make some better choices today. For one thing, I am eating so much better hence, I feel better. I also have on one green sock and one blue sock. Yesterday, I would have been crabby about this, but today I'm embracing it. I didn't want cold feet therefore I chose my warmest socks and there was only one blue and one green. I'm also wearing Gary's old scrubs from when he worked in the nuclear power plant and had to wear them. . . something about radiation. . .blah blah. . . our kids are all fine. It couldn't have been that bad as everyone has 10 fingers and toes. I'm comfy today. I'm happier today. Even though I looked silly picking up Noel from school, I decided that I didn't have to be perfect looking mom today. I am having some hair issues. . . .

Hope you are having a two different colored socks kind of a day as well.

Excited and Nervous

I received a facebook message last week from a friend. She and I taught Bible together at Chicago Christian. She asked if I'd consider being a speaker at a conference in Chicago in March. The topic? "Walking alongside others who are grieving."

Seriously, could this be more appropriate for the journey my feet are on at the moment? I shouldn't be so surprised that God would put this together, yet I can't help but feel so very amazed! I hope I never lose my awe and wonder of how God works. Their original speaker had a conflict, so she thought of me. I smile at that one. . . I don't think I would have been in a position to even think about speaking had she asked me last year. See how God works? She wanted me to know that I shouldn't feel like the second choice at all. I don't. I feel especially important because God orchestrated it all.

So in March many of the lessons that I've been learning over the past year and a half will be shared with folks at this conference. She asked that I share what I learned in Israel when our guide David died on our trip and we sat Shiva with his family. I thought I'd add lessons learned from when Gary and I suffered a miscarriage as well.

I'm excited and nervous! I am the only speaker without lots of credentials. I don't have training in this area. Rev. James Kok from the Crystal Cathedral will be speaking as well. Gulp. I am not really known in the area anymore, so perhaps no one will come to hear me. I have to speak for a whole hour! Yet, I feel this is a great opportunity from God. I love public speaking. . . I just never dreamed I'd be talking about grief. I'm jotting down ideas as they come to me and I'm talking with God a lot about it all. If you have any insight: something great or not as great that was said or done to you while you were grieving, I'd love to have you share it with me.

How cool that God is using some pretty tough times in my life to perhaps help and encourage others. Love it!

At this very moment

Right now, my oldest three are all in the kitchen and I'm trying to be a "yes"mom. Garrison has been washing the dishes. That is not the yes part. I know I'll have to re-do all of them, but he is having fun and learning about work. That was an easy yes.

He discovered as he washed baby bottles that if you put the top back on, it is a cool fountain. The fountain has been entertaining my three for awhile. . .. and has been getting my kitchen quite wet. I was about the put a stop to it, when I stopped myself and listened. Giggles. "Guess what guys!" "That is so cool." "Let me show you something." It is kind of a water fight. .. at some point it'll cross the line. I'm not sure what that looks like, but I'll know it when I see it. Oh, Simon just got hosed--and I gave a "stop" warning. Squirting in the living room isn't such a good idea.

Plus, I'm so tired. I was up for about 3 hours last night with Penny. Cold+pacifier=not breathing. Spitting out the pacifier+breathing=crying because the pacifier is out. Good times.

I'm a blond

I ran into a person of my past at Meijer today. (I really should write a novel detailing my experiences at the grocery store. I'll try and do that in my spare time.) It was a girl who I knew from my church growing up. We weren't in the same grade or even close to the same grade, but we knew each other. Blah Blah

As we were looking at the cold cuts, I turned and said "Hi Tabitha. It's Shanda Koeman." I've learned that when I approach people from my past it is best to just put my name out there. It saves us all possible embarrassment. "Oh hi. You're blond!"

I was taken aback. Let me share with you my hair history. I was blond from birth until about. . hmm. . .3rd grade maybe? Mom is that right? Anyway, I then grew darker and darker. I enjoyed years of perms. My hair always got lighter in the summer, then darker in the winter. Then, in college, I dyed my hair red as part of a dorm service auction. I toyed with the color red off and on, but was mostly my ugly dishwater brown. One winter day, I was at home and my dad asked if I was feeling o.k. I responded that I was. He thought I was looking a little pale. My mom replied that I always look like that. (Love you mom!) After my pale face moved to Miami to teach in 1995, I came to the conclusion that my dark hair did indeed highlight the paleness, but not in a good way. Since I was living in the Sunshine State, I decided to go blond and have been so ever since. Fifteen years of being blond--dying my roots every 6 weeks. Those roots now are changing color, but we don't discuss that. Many friends don't know me any other way. I don't really remember me any other way. I think that it why I was so startled at Tabitha's comment. Is this really me? I feel like it is. I have been toying with the idea of doing something crazy--a touch of orange in the back maybe. Of course, I tend to take something like this and analyze it. Are there habits I have that need to be broken? Are there things about me that are so ingrained that those around me don't really know the real me? Hmmmm let's just leave it with my hair. Today I'm blond. Tomorrow?

Little smelly

On the way to school this morning, I thought I smelled something a little. . . poopy. What?!? I thought. Penny already had a dirty pants this morning. . . seriously? I didn't bring the diaper bag (of course). Grr. Still, as I drove I kept smelling it and thinking. . . did I get something on my hands? I had gloves on. I smelled my gloves. I just washed these pants. . . I have been known to wear a pair of pants for five days in a row. Shhh--we won't discuss this. The smell seemed to go away, so I just forgot and paid attention to more pressing issues such as whether pot started with a "b" or a "p". As I'm assisting the boys in their classrooms, I would catch a little waft. Now I knew I had a problem. It couldn't be one of my kids farting in the car--it would have been nice to put the blame there. It is me. My breath? Please don't tell me that I have poop smelling breath and I don't know it. Once again I was distracted (Noel stop touching your sister!), so it slipped from my mind.

The girls and I headed out to Michael's because I'm trying get supplies for a craft that isn't working right. Grr. That is another issue. As we are driving--you got it--the smell. I begin to think and then I reached deep into my coat pocket. Nothing. I reach deep into the other coat pocket--ah--success! There is a baggie with Smokey's poop in it from when I took him for a walk on Saturday! I was happy and appalled at the same time. I'm so glad my breath doesn't smell like poop.

Yup, I'm good.

It's 8:44 and every person in this house is sleeping except for me. How about that!?! Kids are sleeping as usual and Gary turned in early. That guy--he was on call this week and got up really early Wednesday morning--and then he kept going and going and going. My little camper, just so tuckered out. :)

I got together with a friend yesterday and she asked me "How's it going?" I can answer "good" with all kinds of authority. I'm adore my Heavenly Father and love growing closer to Him. I'm very blessed by my Bible Study. Though I wish I could spend more time. . . especially for a longer period of time. . . with Him, we do walk through each day together. I find myself in a constant conversation with God and we regularly clap for Him. Yesterday, we were clapping for the beautiful snow.

Second, I have a great marriage. Today I heard about a couple who were separating. . . makes me so appreciate my guy. I do make mistakes. Two days ago I wasn't the first to greet him at the door, even though I knew he'd had a challenging day. He needed me that day and I blew it. I'm learning. I'm thankful he's a forgiving guy. I bought him flowers last week just cause I love him. Did you know he rubs my head or my feet or my back or holds my hands and massages them almost every night? WOW!

My Garrison lost his second tooth in a sledding incident last week. I was so excited about the tooth that I missed that fact that he had hurt himself. He's fine though. I was so glad it came out because he did NOT want to wiggle it. "It might hurt." He is very emotional, just like his mama. He loves greatly and I'm rewarded many times during the day with "I love you mom!" and many hugs. I'll take all that I can get.

I discovered something new about Simon this week. Last week it came up in conversation that my friend Nancy is a finisher. My mom is also a finisher. I admire those people. I sadly, am not. I'm GREAT at starting things. Anyway. . .back to my dear Simon. Simon is a finisher! See, there was a point. I hadn't thought about it before, but boy it has just hit me in the face over and over this past week. He has to finish picking up the basement before he can eat lunch. He gets so frustrated with me when I interrupt a task by announcing that we have to go, or put things away, or get dressed. He can't come and play a game with us until he completes what he is doing in his room. I love this about him. I think that we'll be teaching each other a lot. :)

My Noel. She insisted that her hair get cut this week. She does not want me to kiss her and promptly rubs it off. She needs to get a hug from me any time I leave without her. . .even to take the dog for a walk. She takes great care of her princesses (ranging from one to "many"). She rarely walks but rather skips. She has eyes that tell a greater story than her words. Every day with this child is a treat. Don't worry, there are moments of great "UGH!".

Penny. Penelope. This girl is so great! She is crawling all over and will crawl faster if you try to keep her from going somewhere she shouldn't. She got her first tooth yesterday. She is pulling herself up on her knees and only today figured out how to get back down. She gobbles up any and all food. Her smile is huge and it makes me smile. She still cries during the night at times, but can get herself back to sleep most of the time. I sometimes still have trouble believing that God decided to bless us with this little girl.

I have great relationships with my family. I have a house with heat. I am being blessed with new and strengthened friendships. I love the way my kids are growing and really like their school. I love our church. My toe is healed. I have 1/4 of a longhorn steer named Muddy Bravo in my freezer. It is good.

So often I find myself thinking about what I wish I had. There are so many things I could have or do that would make me happy. I find myself talking with God about it throughout the day. Many of them are noble: relationship building with my dad, growing friendships for my kids, job satisfaction for Gary. . .all things that are God honoring I believe. I need to be careful about some of the other things though. You know what I'm talking about. :) So, there is still lots of work to be done on this chica.

Yup, I'm doing good.

Dad update

Hi all

My blog is basically two things. Living my life with my kids. . . just trying to be the best daughter of the King that I can be, and giving updates about my dad. They are worlds apart in some ways, and intertwined in other ways. This isn't one of these what-did-that-wacky-Shanda-do-today kind of blog posts. If you were hoping for that, perhaps another day. :) I always have so much I could share.

Tuesday night it was my turn to go the the group meeting at O.A.R. Every time I go I am more impressed with this organization. If you need help at all, in any way, with any kind of addiction, I would highly recommend this place. If you need to donate some funds to a reputable organization, I'd pass this name along to you as well.

Tuesday night we did something a little different. Rather than talk, share and learn from each other, we watched a video. It was rather amazing. It examined whether addiction is a disease. It showed the process that the brain goes through when drugs are used. It was. . . wow. I learned a ton. I learned what has been happening in my dad's brain for years. I learned how amazing and complex the brain is. I took notes on two different donation envelopes. I learned about how very real cravings are. . . something that I have never experienced. Ask me for a great analogy sometime if you are interested. I learned that the "pleasure" line in our brains has been raised so high for dad that they only thing that can give him pleasure is drug use. Did you know there is a periodic table of intoxicants? I'm getting educated. I learned that recovery is possible, though very very very very difficult. Genes are a part of the picture and a great gift I can give to my children is to model recovery. I plan to do it. The whole night was so informative, discouraging, and hopeful. I'm still chewing on it.

Dad is sober. Dad is attending counseling. He is not manipulating the counselor. He is listening to my mom. Hopefully soon we'll be going as a family to counseling at O.A.R. (remember them?) and they'll help us begin the process of reconnecting as a family. This is hard work. My dad is working hard. My mom. . . bless her dear dear heart. . . is working very hard. Most of all, God is working wonderful things in our lives because of your prayers. Thank you. Please continue to pray as we learn, work, and heal together.

If you'd like to hear more or have personal questions for me, feel free to post a comment or e-mail me at sgsprick@yahoo.com

Bread

I've decided to make bread. I like it. My kids like to help. I like to make. . . ya know. . .rise it up, punch it down, put homemade jam on it kind of bread. This is not the kind I've decided to make.

I'm going to make breads with flavors. Pumpkin. Banana. Zucchini. Peach. Apple. I guess you could say I'm going to make fruit and veggie breads. And I'm going to give them away.

This year I'm going to try and makes bread rather consistently and then give it away. It will be my ministry for the year. I'm going to call it. . . wait for it. . . Bread Ministry. :) I'm not going to announce it per se (what does that even mean?), but if I blog about it, then it is public and I need to continue with it. . . even in April. I want to do better at giving to those who might need a little encouragement. Since I don't really have a lot of time to give, nor a ton of money. . . I'm going to give bread. It is one of the ways I'm going to let God use me this year. Plus, if I give it away, then I won't eat it. :)

Birthday Party

I just got back home after dropping Garrison off at his first birthday party for a classmate. I find myself with a strange mix of emtions. This is all new to me. For example, I was startled when another mom at school casually said, "See you on Saturday." Me thinking: What?!? What did I forget? I have no plans with you on Saturday. Crud. What did I forget to write down? I keep missing appointments, forgetting to pick up my T.R.I.P. . . I'm so glad I haven't forgotten a kid yet. . . I do respond with "Saturday?" "Yeah," she responds, "Aren't we supposed to stay for the party?"

I have no desire to stay for the party. No. Desire. This mom called and discovered that we weren't required to stay for the party. I'm thinking that if I was supposed to stay, the invitation would have been addressed to "Garrison and his mom who I'm sure wants to spend a Saturday afternoon with many five year old boys. Please bring a gift and some Tylenol." :)

This party is yet another lesson to my other children that things aren't fair. They will continue to learn this, but it is difficult none the less. "There is a Caden in my class, why can't I go to the party?" "Why does Garrison get to go? Will he still have to take a rest time?" "How come he gets a party and I don't?" (How do you even begin with that one--He is not getting a party, he was invited, you will get invited some other time, yes there are boys in your class too, no they will not be at the other party. . . .)Garrison had some fairness issues himself this morning when we went to Target to get the gift. He liked the gift. He wanted to play with the gift. He wanted to keep the gift. He wanted to invite Caden over to our house as long as Caden would come with the gift so that Garrison could play with it. Alas, twas not for him.

Let's talk about the gift. I was kinda excited to venture out for our first birthday present. I'll send Gary next time. It was hard! What do you get for a child you barely know? What does he have? Do his parents have objections to certain toys? How much do I spend? Ack! Twenty minutes of looking. . . I hope Caden enjoys his package of miniture sports balls. Garrison liked it.

I like it that Garrison has a chance to be in another home and practice his manners without us around. He needs opportunities to do this. He needs chances to grow up, to interact with adults that he has just seen once in awhile at school. It is good. I like it that he received an invitation. He carried it around for days and was VERY protective of it. Little kids need mail. It singles them out and makes them feel special. It is something just for them in a world where very little is just for them. Can you hear me yelling "Please share!"? I like it that this is not a playdate where other kids are excluded. Every boy in the class was invited (Bless Caden's mom!) and they were able to talk about it at school. I love it that this is not a playdate where I feel "guilted" into reciprocating. I don't have to invite anyone over after this party! Woo-Hoo! No weight on these shoulders, well, at least not about this issue.

I'm picking him up in a couple of hours. I'll be very excited to hear about everything that happened. I know that I'll get to see one of my most favorite smiles in the whole world. That is the best part of all.

Ted Williams

I have heard this name so many times in the past three days. Ted Williams. If you haven't heard, this man used to work in radio and then "fell on hard times" with alcohol and drug use. He was discovered again and is now fielding multiple offers of work worth lots and lots of money. He was even on the Today show. The past two mornings one of the local Christian radio shows has been talking a ton about this. . . call in today with your second chance stories. . . and there are all kinds of great stories from various listeners. We love second chances. We love rags to riches stories.

I have another question. Where is this man in his recovery? Is he clean? Is he living in sobriety? Will the addition of tens of thousands of dollars to his bank account lead to grateful living or to more drugs and alcohol? Lots of money can be a huge trigger for an addict.

I haven't heard any of these questions being asked. I haven't heard Kraft, The Cleveland Cavaliers, The NFL, or many of the other companies offer to pay for some time in recovery for him. The focus is on this amazing story, but not on the man himself it seems to me. Now, he could be clean. He could be a wonderful voice for addiction. . . the work and the struggle. . . and the ability to rise to the top! Amen and Amen! I pray that this is the case. It just seems to me that there really isn't any "caring" for Ted Williams.

Giggling

Rest time is around 1:30 at this house. Noel sleeps. Garrison and Simon rest. Penny--up in the air. Today, everyone went down. A half hour with just me. Ahhh.

I was peeling carrots for pea soup when I heard giggling. Sure enough, Noel and Penny were laughing at each other! I smiled and let it go for a bit. I loved hearing these sisters interacting with one another. It reminded me of the night we arrived home from China with Simon and he and Garrison went to bed together for the first time. Gary and I sat on the couch listening to the giggling. After about five minutes of listening to the girls I decided that I should put a stop to the noise. It was after all, time to rest. I did enjoy it though.

Giggling. A common language between two brothers, one of whom can't speak English. A common language between two sisters, one of whom is only seven months old. Sure they fight with each other. Sure they drive each other crazy at times. Isn't it cool though that one of the first means of communication is through laughter? Just think of what heaven will be like.

Goals and toys

Yup, I have goals. I usually have them. . . at anytime of the year. Lately, I've been slacking in the pick-it-up-after-you-play-with-it department. I generally have this problem, but I'm especially slacking with having my kids do it.

So this is what I did. Most of the toys went into the basement. If a toy is in the basement, you can play with it whenever and you can leave it wherever until it is time to pick up the basement. I also went into the basement and told my kids that I was going to fill up one big tub of toys that we were going to take away. They weren't excited, but we did it. A tub of toys is gone. Whew.

Then, there are the upstairs toys. These are the toys which are new. These are the toys where all the pieces are in tact. There are five different things I think. These are the things that have a specific place. If you play with it, then you have to put it away before you can go on to something else.

I'm hoping that I can keep five different toys together. Five different toys. Five. I gotta start small. :)

Post-Christmas

All the decorations came down this morning. I'm not so very sad about that, but I do pause when I take down some of my more "precious" items. I have a hard time taking down the nativity, especially the angel who is proclaiming the news. I bought a different angel than the one that was suggested. I like this one better because the angels arms are thrown high into the air and the head is looking heavenward. I do the same thing when I think about what God did for me. This year as we were taking out the nativity, the kids and I talked about each piece as they came out of the box. I cried when the angel came out and we talked about how excited the angels must have been, how fun it was to finally share the surprise that had been a long time in planning.

The other items that I have a hard time taking down are the Christmas cards. As they arrive, I tape them to my kitchen cupboards. I love seeing friends and family. I love remembering and praying for them. They light up my kitchen. These people light up my life. I will miss them.

We had a good Christmas. The Koeman family party was great! It is an all day affair that includes appetizers, playing outside, white elephant gifts, dinner, presents for the kids, slides, and tons of laughter! We celebrated Christmas with Gary's folks when we were there for Thanksgiving. Mom Petty (Gary's mom) sent a wonderful package filled with stocking stuffers for the kids and gift cards for all. Our own family Christmas was the most delightful yet. The kids remember more and more from previous years. The excitement level is high, mostly for me I think. :) Gary and I loved making Christmas for them. Dinner, gifts which included a treasure hunt for each one, driving around looking at the lights and counting nativities, singing Christmas carols, reading of His Story, stockings, and eating cupcakes after singing "Happy Birthday Jesus" on Christmas morning were some of the highlights. We capped things off with the Sternberg (my mom's side) party at our church. Along the way we hosted two cookie decorating parties at our house.

It was a great holiday season and I loved the joy, the busyness, as well as the slower pace of the past two weeks. Only two days until the kids go back to school. I have a few goals for the coming year. I'm still finalizing them. I'll let you know how that pans out.