2025, Mid-life Crisis

Big plans for 2025 didn't happen. So here i am now, literally sitting in the same office, night shift, trying to reflect on what has happened or rather, what didn't happen haha. TLDR first, I didn't really like how this year went. I dont like how I am now, so next year, I'm embarking on a deeper search. Before that, lets go through some highlights for 2025, also checking in with the goals i've set for last year. Hopefully this is more or less in a chrono order.

• SG60 everything
• Dec Fund to Hanoi
• finally bought my macbook
• Summitted Kilimanjaro despite MCL injury. 5895m bro.
• Still love the mountains, but 6000m (really) scares me after that. almost PTSD.
• did a safari tour after that! had like full on Nat Geo experience
• Got accepted to AFE. (Big decision. still sitting on it.)
• Brought mother poon to Chengdu & Chong Qing
• Finally completed AFTA QT and auto SV1. super enjoyed live SIM.
• had a short Batam trip with Delta ppl
• SAFVC Milestone Parade coz its our 10th yr Anniversary!
• went on office hours for 3 months to help with something
• joined the mechanical keyboard hype. the THOCK.
• did my AFTA AT in June. first time at safti city!
• went to SAFTI MI for SAF Day! what a proud moment
• brought mother poon to Batam
• had a suspected slip disc scare. but all's good
• last min plan to go for a 7-day off road bike trip in the Himalayas!!!
• first off-road for me
• 10days in Ladakh, and we rode up to the highest motorable pass in the world, Uming La at 5800m
• had a fall. tore many ligaments of my R ankle. didn't think it was bad so;
• went to Japan for Mt Fuji Semula. 
• didnt summit Mt Fuji, or rather, didn't even managed to get there. Typhoon on the day hike and road closure so the start of the trail was inacessible. went Kamikochi!
• blessing in disguise coz when i came back, saw the doc, did the MRI and that's when we found out that it wasn't just an ankle sprain but the high one.
• Rode to Melaka with Roy for derrick's wedding
• Finally wore my peranakan kebaya (the jacket only coz i could no longer fit the sarong lol.
• gain 5kg for the year atm
• short staycay to JB with mother poon & sis
• AFTA now called TACTA. did 1 wk of deployment as the next week was;
• Womens Boot Camp! P2S5!
• brought mother poon to oceanarium and saw my ex's whole family there. happy to see them tho. the kids all so big now
• passed the interview for SAFVC AE & dual role. but due to other factors, unable to attend the trng :( :( :( :(
• did not get a new bike
• drank even more coffee this year
• built an APST Resource Portal. my one-stop centre to organize all my frustrations at work
• didnt manage to sort out my arm injury. feels like it gets better on some days but false
• cardio definitely went down
• still no money in OA to buy house (wth right!) still suffering from the effects of the past 8 yrs with that 2.4k pay though i super miss my collegues
• definitely less OCD this yr. learning to let go more

ok. the biggest highlight is definitely riding in the Himalayas. I think it was pretty life changing. the other life-changing event was Kili. hahaha summit day really killed the hiker in me. I think it really questioned my plans to climb 6000m mountains for the experience. i'm not into counting summits or what, but things changes at 6000m. I'm not for the risks and all, but i'd really like to try some ice climbing. the 2am summit push at an exposed 5700m altitude with "kind weather" at -15 deg was really really tough. My body has never felt so 'out of body' experience b4. My legs gave way. My mental was stronger than my physical, but the legs just couldn't carry. Enjoyed the times with my guide Enock. Missed Nepal. Missed Bale, his wife and Dill haha. Nepal is now a luxury. But Kili taught me alot. If i'm really gg into more serious mountaineering, i can't just rely on my fitness foundations or like last min runs and intervals - i need more specific trainings. I went to read up about brown fat that helps to generate body heat. I feel like i want to focus building that while keeping my weight optimum. Wouldn't want to be too heavy coz its just unnecessary load, but dun wanna be too light and helpless with the strong winds.

so yea. I love the mountains so much but through Ladakh, I realized that riding through the Himalayas is even more exhilarating, efficient, and just effortless pure fun. Through the year, I was battling mid career crisis. The plan was to leave my current company coz i really just can't stand it. I got accepted as an AFE, super tempted to sign on. The main consideration was bringing mother poon for long travel. Now she still can walk, so its like, i dont wanna waste any opportunity to bring her see the world. when she can't walk much, then i'll bring her to countries that's better fit for driving. now i'm just bringing her to places with good public transport, shopping and sightseeing that requires walking. 2nd main consideration is pay. I can't be accepting a fresh grad pay. I mean like, they're trying to recruit mid-careers, buy offering fresh grad pay coz "you got no military experience". i mean like bro, how do one get military exp when u're not in the military since woman can't do NS other than signing on. Its really sad, and for the ME scheme, there's no sign on bonus as well? idk. Francis pulled me out of shift team to help him with some stuff. so for 3 months, i was in office hours. i didn't enjoy it, but i'm glad i managed to get alot of things that i wanted to do for APST done. it wasn't easy coz of the politics and stupid things ppl say at work due to insecurities and selfishness, but whatever. I learnt alot. not about work, but the importance of trying to poker face and say nice things that ppl wanna hear. i've made alot of enemies by being blunt and straight forward, but i think this year, i finally truly accept that we cannot be all honest at work and in life coz not everyone appreciates honesty. had this big work misunderstanding, but its difficult to even be heard when u're labelled with judgement and bad rumours which are untrue. but its ok coz it is what it is right. dont even want to talk about work now.

my blogging sucks now. my mind is really in a whirlpool of mess. i can't even organize this post by segregating my life in paragraphs, so i'm sorry for this bad flow of literation. my english is also failing me this yr coz i just give up in explaining myself clearly. ppl misunderstands me whether i say anything or not coz this place is just toxic. but ok, Kili and Ladakh gave me alot of time to think through things. I'm really leaning towards signing on still, but i still need the money to live life better ahead. so now, i'm just going for the money. passion can't pay. and i really dont like how I am rn towards work and life. i no longer look foward to going to work. being in airside becomes difficult coz i love this place, but at the same time, i finally feel out of place? I feel like can't do the things i wanna do to make it a better and even safer environment. i mean, its very safe we are doing the all the hardwork (let me just put in that disclaimer), i but i know i can do better and do more. idk. it just makes me want to give up aviation entirely. probably a reckless thought, but really, my mind's and well being is in a wreck rn. 

health wise, its wierd. its like there's this force to make me a 犯太岁 believer. for the first half of the year, i've been on/off sick. its not those small cough and flu kind, but like massive in and out fever episodes. fever can go up to like 40 degs kind. its like this virus infection that can never be dissolved.  there's once i buay tahan went to see doc halfway at work. then the doc made me take a covid test and all, paid much money but obviously no finding. requested for a viral blood test thing but the doc didnt care. one of the last few polyclinic visit suggested for that viral blood test, i went down but went away coz the queue was too long and i was so uncomfortable and suffering so i just wanted to go home and zzz and i did just that. i think its sometime june that i felt like everything more or less stabilized? but its like, after the mcl, then there's this suspected slip disc and finally the ankle sprain. well, i'm glad that at least my ankle is still intact. but overall, thank God for keeping me safe and sound. 'sound' just sounds right coz my mental sanity is also still intact.

lol not even talking about love life coz idc.

i miss my ex but he's not interested.

i enjoy being single.

i want a kid but dont want a husband.

sad that mother poon can't be grandma. I mean like, i think i can be single mom coz mother poon loves to take care of kids and esp if she can be a legit grandma for real. but the policies in sg dont work like this and i'm still very much asian inside. but with all the activities gg on in my life, there's no time to be emo. i mean there's still the days i super miss you, but what's the point right. accept it, heard a emo song or 2, then just chuck it away. its gonna come back and haunt again anyway so i'm not gg to resist it, just gonna manage it then move on. but definitely dont wanna give any opportunities to hurt so badly again.

supposedly wanted to set some SMART goals, but i guess i'm just gg to list the things i want to do next yr:

• already planning to bring mother poon to Switzerland. gonna be the biggest fam trip and finally out of ASIA.
• do my first solo trip (like finally). planning to train up China and fly back via Hanoi to restock some stuff
• find myself
• I wanna to do more aviation investigative work. can't change dept so i'm gonna change co;
• a higher paying job will have to supersede passionatwork
• if i'm still here, i would really like to spend less mental RAM on work, learn to give up and let go to find peace at work all over again
• do a road trip in Iceland. I want to see the Northern Lights and they say this yr sept is gonna be the best / high chance. need all the luck with mountains and adventures.
• be physically operational by May. doc say can only run in April. pretty crazy, but i'm gonna be disciplined to expedite it safe and well.
• gonna come back stronger
• strengthen back muscles and core
• improve cardio and overall fitness
• training to get brown fats
• back into climbing
• should i get a diving cert? probably try jio sis lol
• get a bike for touring
• go for solo bike camping trips
• hopefully able to go for another riding trip in the India again (pending schedule)
• i still wanna buy a house for retirement
• omg i need to seriously pack my room and clothes cupboard
• major overhaul my room.
• i'm gg to decommission myself as a hoarder and throw everything useless away.
• sentimental value is no value. i.am.heartless
• reorganize and back up all my media stuff into my harddrives coz everything is running out of space
• some KIV things coz of time / work / injuries (probably in the next few yrs):
• Nepal: Island Peak / Merak Peak
• TMB Hike (Tour du Mont Blanc) Its about a 180km circuit through 3 countries
• hello Mt Fuji. (lol. 3rd's a charm right)
• there's some Jap muli-day hikes i wanna do
• rent a car with a tent on top and camp in Japan
• wanted to solo ride in japan but rental is gonna be more ex than my plane tickets 
• i wanna try snowboarding
• wanna do a hyrox but i feel like its for the hype? probably need to try crossfit to uds this.
• i wanna say be a kinder person as i was in the past, but i'm not too sure about this coz it hurts
• be myself and be proud of it

definitely not the best year, but not a tough year too. i've been through 2016 2017, so this is ok. still thankful I managed to travel. still glad that mother poon is able to walk. happy that she is healthy hope she can get stronger and fight through aging. I really want to be happy coz its time i focus on myself and start being selfish for myself. i wanna learn to relearn. i want to rely more on God and less on me. nonetheless, still thankful that 2025 happened. its weird also coz as I'm looking forward to 2026 for a year of change and renewal, i'm not as excited. I probably just want some peace and to enjoy life the way it is.

2024 Revenge Travelling

and just like that 2024 just past. definitely another year worth reviewing and reflecting. I think this annual kind of blog post is worth doing as the process kinda grounds me a little. ok so, here's the 2024 goals review / summary (lets try do it in chorno order)

• i still did not get my class 2 bike
• finally got into SAFVC
• Revenge travel list:
• China, Beijing. first time sleeper train to Pingyao with mother poon
• Company's DEC Fund to Bali
• Japan: Osaka, Kyoto, Tokyo with fam and niece
• Japan: did not summit Mt Fuiji with Dickson. but first time atas glamping.
• Nepal: finally did Everest Base Camp!! hiked further to Gokyo Lake via Chola Pass
• Vietnam, Hanoi & Sapa. first time sleeper train for sis and mother poon at 3000m. her first alpine coaster ride too.
• lost 2 close friends (Uncle James and Boon Tong) within 1 week to totally unrelated circumstances
• surgically removed bottom left Wisdom tooth and extracted the top one. EBC gave me the courage to do so.
• drank more coffee and matcha this yr
• did more pilates and yoga this year thanks to Class Pass
• gymmed more consistently when i'm not travelling
• did not climb as much as I wished
• got fitter for awhile as I was training for EBC and IPPT but now recovering from a knee injury
  
  

ok so that's more of the quantifiable listable things on top of my head rn. I'm thankful that I managed to do all the things i more or less planned out for the year. Also bc i think i've finally reached financially equilibrium this yr. i wouldn't say financially stability coz i dont wanna take things for granted, but this is also the first yr i've got a legit bonus from a company. previous companies bonus sucks and on my first year of this company, i got the 'defaulted' bonus as 6mth i was in trng. so this yr, this bonus is really quite life changing. usually its like 1 country max for 1 yr, but look at this long list, and baller me even went Japan twice a year. (ZipAir budget airlines $400 with return haha)

i practiced more self-love. i bought alot of materialistic things; as in i bought things i wanted and not bc i really needed. haha. i think its a good feeling, but i would like to be more grounded this year. i've also finally built my up my camping gears, bought better technical gears for hikes too. now thinking of a touring bike and reliable riders to camp out with. 

this yr, 2 full yrs without u and i still miss you but occasionally. i think this has become more...'under control'; as in i no longer go into full on emo mode. definitely there are some days that i miss you like crazy, but on such drowning days, i am reminded to love myself bc its pretty clear you didnt love or care about me so there's really no point to use all the effort on energy on things that shouldnt matter. i dont break down as much too, as of today, i still miss you from time to time, but i believe its bc of the good memories and times we've had tgr. but through this episode with you, i feel even more liberated than b4 i've met you. i feel happier or rather, safer when i'm surviving on my own as i just needed to care for myself and it can be pretty easy if i make conscious effort to. 

i'm thankful that mother poon is still in good health but its very noticeable that her strength in her legs are deteriorating day by day. her flat foot is like way beyond flat and stubborn her dont wanna wear the arch-support insoles. i just hope that life will continue to be good for her, and if really it is time for her to go, i hope i would be painless, comfortable and peaceful. sounds morbid, but i think that's just reality and for some reason, i'm just feeling that this day will be closer. i do fear, but its not like i can do anything about it but to only pray and trust God on this. meanwhile, i just hope to spend more time with her and make her feel young coz it seems she like adventuring touring too (minus the age factor haha).

work-wise. lol. i guess i've stopped searching for self-fulfilment in the company. i've succumbed to the fact that i can't fight nor change the legacy. because i feel that my value system is shifting, this yr i've looked for exit strategies. it's really not an easy decision because i love the airside, i feel that my whole being belongs there. i grew up there and have so many emotional and intrinsic attachments that i know i will never feel in place if i'm out of it. so i've been accepted to another company. still in Aviation, but not civil aviation. i think its also something that i've always to explore in life but didnt want to do it as i was committed to civil aviation. however, i feel that my experience and expertise can be of good asset and also, this expanded horizon would definitely help me make better decision in the future; and also give good advice to teenagers should i be an aviation lecturer when i'm retiring. i dont wanna say out loud here where i've been accepted, but erm, i've cleared ippt (lol i know, big clue) and this is also the last yr i would have such an opportunity. really not an easy decision. have been talking to ppl from diff walks of the career path just to hear their advices but tbh, I dont have a clear distinct answer. However, when i was talking to some of my ex-cols and ground ppl, the simple advice is this 'do what makes you happy.' i guess i'm also thankful that i'm able to make such big choices based on what i want vs being forced by life's circumstances. so as of now, i'm still waiting for the official offer letter before i give one last consideration and sign off the next few yrs of my life away, and away from the airside.

Safvc. really a privilege and honour to be working with very like-minded ppl. the 2 wks BT was a very fun first-hand experience of the army. i actually cried during trng coz i was very touched by the efforts to what makes Singapore safe. i guess it also subtly compelled me to do more and better make use of my expertise. i enjoy this one yr journey so far though i'm still waiting for my QT oppportunity. however, if i do many that career move, i would have to cut this journey altogether. i feel like i can and want to do more, but i also need to priortise and know what i want too.  

ok so in summary, 2024 was really a kind year albeit the emotional work struggles. i think its also a good buffer reset yr. haha idk what that means but i think i'd find out in 2025. I've also learn to pick my battles this yr as what i told myself to do.

2025 is really The Mid-career crisis year for me. I'm expecting the big career changes and because of this, there's some more things i wanna do b4 i go in. the next top of my list is: Kilimanjaro. it's gonna be the highest alt i've been. ok let's do a list for easier reference:

• Kilimanjaro
• buy macbook
• bring mother poon to Chong Qing & Cheng Du
• do one bike tour. (idk how with my mx king) probably just a camping-coffee trip
• finish up some quantitative analysis to support my ops strategies. probably as my farewell gift haha.
• and then career change (tbh, still not solidified)
• strengthen back and arm strength. also work on core.
• improve cardio and probably start swimming again
• climb more when i can
• say more politically correct things. think before i speak or dont speak at all.
• ok, time that i wanna brush up my command of English. comg from IJ sch, i (used to) speak and write relatively well. but since poly and engineering days, i just dont bother constructing my language properly. probably needa start reading again (but i dont think thats a realistic goal haha), but i guess, i'll consciously work on it. i choose to think i have the foundation, just not the execution.
• to be less OCD. more free spirited. 
• less hoarder. pack clear my room b4 mid year.
• the KIVs coz the timeline dont fit:
• Island Peak (Nepal). would be by first ice climbing technical hike. but i dont think possible by 2025
• Mera Peak, Nepal (also not possible this yr coz the seasons dont really fit)
• Himalaya Bike Tour. one of my guys is organizing in Aug. but i think i'd have to miss it. :((
• off-road biking and Caving in Vietnam

i think overall, its ok. I'm also learning to accept things that dont go my way. probably can work on my initial response to it - like reduce the intensity of disappointment and regret lol. this yr i think i only run to God when i need Him. I wanna listen to His voice again and trust that His plans are always higher than mine. A few times i question bc i admit that i'm of little faith. its the year of the snake and for chinese saying - usually ur yr wont be the good year. not that i believe or not believe haha, but i'm definitely not expecting an easy year. i'm actually ready for a challenging year. i still rmbr 2018, comg out of that tough brutal year, things have been up and down which is how life is right. we wouldn't want a plateau life but i think what's impt is our outlook and how we learn to climb out of the troughs with the lessons learnt. instead of becoming bitter, we should get better. lol. the aircraft takes off against the wind and not with it. haha. not motivational speaker poon here; though mid-career crisis, i dont wanna think i've hit mid-life crisis yet. i really hope to enjoy another year of living and give back to wherever and whenever i can.

Thank God for everything, and i'm just so blessed to have 2024 as a year for a restart. 2025, pls continue to be kind, but I'd appreciate the challenges to be a better me.

2023, it is what it is

 as expected, 2023 was it is what it is. 

we broke up on 1 jan 2023, so technically, i started 2023 on a clean slate again. i knew 2023 wasn't gonna be an easy road, hence i was really psychologically prepped up for it. looking back, i think i did well. in the deepest, darkest moments, there were times i still wondered why was the stuggle so hard, but i always knew i'd get out of it. is that a dangerous thought? at least it momentarily protected me.

ok so just to get some goals in review, i did not get my class 2 bike; but, I WENT TO YOSEMITE. i think that was the highlight of the year. it was really a good trip. you went. i'm not sure if it would be better/worse, with or without u, but i did enjoy ur presence though it was painful to me whilst nonchalant to you. nonetheless, the mountains were everything. while we're there, Death Valley was closed due to the preceeding huricane. but bc of that, we went Las Vegas. i dont think it's a place that it'll be in my usual travel itinerary, so i guess it was a good impromptu plan. 

also as planned, i did not go EBC. but i should be planning to go next year. i cant wait for this.
as for my Touch and fitness goals, i think its an all time low. i tried going back to Touch, and event went to WA State Champs in Perth. but somehow, i didnt fit in. the intensity of the game was eye opening and i think if really expanded by horizons. i played one season early in the year, but failed to play in the 2nd season due to stupid whatever reason. i really felt bitter and felt that life as usual, wasn't always fair to me, but i succumbed to the struggle and gave up entirely. hence, my fitness really sucked. i had no motivation for cardio. but coz of classpass, i've been going for yoga, barre and spin this yr. i think its bare mimimum. i haven't done any swimming or any runs. to a point, i think i am disgusted by myself. but again, i chose the easy way out. ok but i have been gymming. but not hard on myself. just enough to feel the ache the next day. But yea, fairier, fatter and with more baggages on my eye. I think i wanna change all  of that.

i didn't bring mother poon out of asia, but... i'm brining her to Beijing and Japan next yr! i hope i have enough leaves to bring to Australia or London at least. we'll talk about goals later. haha

so ok how did this yr go?

work. ok. idk how to feel. there's ppl telling me "dont bring your previous company in here". ahah. the first half of the year was struggletown. there was this colleague that have opposing value system and work ethics as me. no doubt he can work, but.. lol. idk. i think whether in work or life, integrity should overwrite all things. some more we're in aviation. that 6 months was probably the darkest in my working years. i felt that it was even darker than the moments while i was struggling with gender equality back in QAT. i'm starting to feel that the fight for the ground, for better ground policies and all is not worth it in the end. why bother fight for others when they dont even want to fight for themselves. hence, 2023 was really a year to go into retrospective thinking. 

what i really learnt was that, not everybody wants ur help. its not about appreciation or what, but some ppl are just so comfortable in habitual complaining that when there's a change for the better, it feels like its throws them off balance and it isn't right and best for them. i struggled at work coz somedays, i feel empty. some days i do compare with those grads with 3-4yrs coming in to be my managers and making decisions that could be made better. on one hand, i want to be in the ground to help the ground, but on the other, there is no autonomy to do so and i also dont wanna go into office hrs to deal with office ppl. i'm physically very comfortable at work, and feeling unsettled with being settled. 

generally its still a great company because i think the biggest boss has his heart in the right place for the workers and for aviation. but i guess coz the bonus are based off performance, u can see how some ppl get unscrupulous get to climb up the corporate ladder. there's really more gaps and cracks to focus on to make the entire airside a better, healthier working envt. and what's more, i'm currently very much deployed in master apron planning so i'm literally very very far away from airside. i mean its a good experience to learn and plan, but it doesnt align with my goals. and while i'm here, ppl are there for 'wrong' reasons. ok who am i to judge right, but i just feel so so far away from my goals. i guess its really only this year that i start to see that there's no point in trying to fight for any form of equilibrium or fairness when the world doesnt sit well with that. 

hence, 2023, other than dealing with my emotional balance, my emotional work balance wasn't in the right place. back on our r/s. there's no r/s left lol. we agreed to be friends, but u're not. there's no ounce commitment of required really, but u're just too disrespectful to me as a human. its interesting coz as with all my other exes, none of them could agree to remain as friends and most of them just want to cut off entirely. i really couldn't understand them coz i mean, if we can't be partners, at least we can be friends right. ahha. but with this one, its the opposite. we agreed to be friends, but after this one entire year of evaluation, i think its best for me that i cut you off. i dont think i'm dependant and i'm still very much my independent self, but you are way too disrespectful for ur friends and loved ones around u. i think those who are standing by u are really the ones that u should think about keeping and also start reviewing urself. perhaps mayb coz i'm hurt enough to see this, i think u're selfish. u only do things that benefit or is a learning for ur growth. mayb that's how life is supposed to for everyone right. and from this whole experience with u, i think i really should learn from you from this aspect. no, this is not being sarcastic, but this is really a wake up call and learning experience from me. 

so yea. self love right. what is it all about.
haha this year, i spent alot on myself, financially that is. well, if work life is shit, as long its paying me better, i should take this 'better' and make other aspect of my life 'better' right. i bought all the camping things i've wanted. i've gotten myself a garmin watch, first hand and not off like carousell or something. i finally see myself willing to spend on myself. haha i still buy things on sale, but coz i'm still aware that my pay is not exponentially high. i got myself a camping tent and my cook system. i haven really decided on a backpack to invest in yet, but that's not a priority. i wanna buy myself a macbook, but also not a priority.

so whats for next year?

travelling plans first, EBC. and also bring mother poon really out of asia and as mentioned, Australia or London. but i'd need to brush up my confidence in driving on public roads. i've been driving at airside, its different though. my parking still suck and i havent reallly tried parallel parking outside. i'd also wanna do some overseas round island riding trips. perhaps vietnam or taiwan. i dont think my skills are up for himalayas yet. 

work plans. i dont intend to climb up any corporate shit. idk if keeping my goals of fighting for good ground policies is going to be good for my mental health. but i think i would need to refocus abit. perhaps, just choosing my battles, thinking more for myself, and learning to articulate in a more politically correct version whilst still keeping the depths of it. i also hope that i can stop comparing my pay and myself with new hires, or ppl in positions with less experience than i am. however saying that, i dont that i can stop complaining about policies that dont work for the ground ops. but with that, i will pick my battles and see that's worth. i'd always come up with a solution when i have a complaint, but i think i would need to channel all these ideas somewhere coz those who hate me, hates me, while those who love me, really love me. i also hope to play a bigger role in airshow next year, though as of now no news yet.

oh ya, i volunteered for SAFVC. gone through all the interviews alrdy, got through everything, and done medical. probably waiting for the paper work and some more confirmation.  i hope with this, commercial and milt side can really have a better bridge towards growth and excellence in aviation. 

fitness plans. haha i really enjoy carbs and junk food. all these make me happy since my life is so unwanted at this point in time. but, i think i'll give myself till after CNY. after CNY, i would wanna eat clean for awhile. then, i am going to stick through my 10wks fitness prog. (i think this is gg to be a big promise to myself if i dont have a core objective now). ok, idk what's gg to be on for Touch. i obviously didnt make the world cup squad haha. perhaps, i can try aiming for a 6min/km pace? try to hit 3km in 20mins first. then maybe like 30mins 5km. and maybe 1hr 20mins for 10km? ahahahhahhahah. seems so far fetched now. its been years since i've done anything above 6km. but yea, i'll still be on classpass for yoga, barre and spin. i also need to start being serious in my gym sess and try to make every gym sess count. i hope to up the weights for my 1RM for the big 3. 

financial plans. i started to manage my funds again since the last 2 months. i think its a good start coz its never too late to start. i'm doing abit more investments but i really need to start strategizing esp if i dont have alot of capital to begin with. ahha and next yr, i'd be old enough to own a property. i really need to start planning towards that since this year was alrdy a good year of playing and the start of self-indulgence. i dont that i'm a the point were i'm over spending anyhow, i'm still careful, but i would need to be careful and be cautious.

emotional plans. i think i've learnt alot in retrospect this yr as explained. i think having said that, i would also need to pay attention to my principles and integrity. i think there should be no compromise on the latter, but i think i would need to learn to go easier on myself and understand that the world is never going to be fair. but having said that, i would need to know the distinction between giving up and giving in. i will also promise to put myself first and understand that its is never necessary to put someone's happiness first in order to make myself entirely happy. but also having said that, i will choose to close off my heart to anyone that comes by. i think its enough experiences for this. 2022 i said this, but i gave it an exceptional chance coz i really thought he was different and it was going to be steady for the road. but in the end, the road was only a yr's worth and he too gave up and i dont think i can ever give someone that option to give up on me again. i dont think i'm bitter, i just think no one is ever gonna be worth the time and effort. i always give too much and end up hurting myself. its best to shower myself with all the love and care when i can do that to myself too. i didn't feel very much lonely in 2023 though. its sad coz some days i can't share my happy stuff with anyone, but who cares right. hahahah only i should care and its all that matter. so i guess one of my NY resolution is to cut ties with ppl who dont matter. i always thought like its always ok to value people whose path have crossed with us coz there are soooo many ppl in the world so what are the odds right. but i think, if i can cut ties with ppl who dont matter, perhaps i can spend more time with people who matter.

I also spent alot of time with Dickson this yr..  he is the guy who has seen me grown throughout my teenage yrs till nw. We've been having hthts and one thing we've discussed is how i have evolved over the yrs. Maybe its coz of the episode i had with kh that altered my whole self. I used to be more fearless, adventurous, always living out my life and making the full use of my 24hrs being blessed with the ability to operate with optimumly 4hrs of sleep in a day. After giving my wholeself to kh during that period, i felt like i've lost myself. Idk perhaps maybe coz im in aviation that im more risk-adversed or what, but im more conservtive with my decision making and more insercure if u wanna put it. I start to fear making mistakes even b4 trying or considering. Maybe i wanna change that or rather, have a better structure for risk assessments that allows me to live out my life responsibility esp when i have loved ones still around me. I also did consider working/living abroad for many reasons. Perhaps 1, more pay and exposure. But more so for 2, an escape. But the main thing is coz mother poon is alrdy catching up with age and there is really a time limit for this. I still love my country without my emotional baggaes hahha. Yea, we'll make do with that and live well.

so 2024, i wouldnt entirely say 'come what may'. it is what it is still. but to better sum up in totality, i have to internalize that it is only i who can make myself happy. its not either about the actions i take or the mental state that i allow myself to, but i think its a summation and a balance of both without compromising on excuses or anyone, any value systems or principles. idk if i'm excited or dare be hopeful for 2024, but it really it is what it is. i'm already operating at my best as of 2023, but perhaps for next year, i will operate at a better version of myself for myself so i can love myself for who i am.

lastly, sorry God for being entirely distant. it seems that i only run to u at my peaks and troughs. i should try to quieten my heart just to listen more to ur voice and call. idk if i'm at that level to decipher what's from you and what's not, but i'm gg to learn to trust and have faith in all that is to come. thank you for always being there despite me shifting my eyes away. my heart will always be there and i'm thankful to know that it is only you whom i can trust my heart with. 

2022 was a payback year

 2022 was really a good year for me. its was the accumulation of all the things that have been postponed due to COVID and more than that. i feel like 2022 was like a transition phase for the next phase in 2023.

so a brief summary, of my recent years of living... 2016-2020 was the painful work-study regime in which i loved and also lost a relationship. the whole memory of that phase was just painful and probably the worst few year of my life. it was an uphill battle to push up my grades to pass with a 4.01 GPA just so i could get a 2nd upp title in which some companies would recognize and give a higher pay. i sacrificed so much and thought after graduating, i could catch back lost time with my family, friends and rugby. but just shortly after graduating, COVID came and the world stood still. i saved up so much leave and money just so i could go Nepal, bring my fam for holiday and stuff but still cant. but 2020-2022 slowed down my pace, to reflect, to work harder and explore other income revenues as my alrdy super low pay took a further paycut. and whats more, after grad, all 'promotion / upgrades' ceased. it just felt like every ounce of patience have gone to waste. but its ok. ok, why am talking about other years but 2022 right. hahahs. there's a brief gist so that 2022 could better be appreciated.

2022. perhaps i should go in chronological order. 

Singapore Airshow 2022. Though no career plans were made nor did i go job hunt or anything, i did have a strong feeling that it was going to be my last airshow on the ground with my company. it did not really help that there will always be some ppl taking things for granted when give such an opportunity. but anyway, thats out of my control right. anyways, the memories for this event was largely with the Boeing 777X. its the first time that a 777x landed on changi ground. had the privileged of working on the ac and even with some of the guys from Boeing. manpower was super short handed coz covid severely affected ops back in line too. so coz of that, i managed to contribute more and even did the last departure out of changi for the 777X in the rain. idky that it was quite a moment for me. though its not my fav ac type (Boeing 747 still the Queen), while stand at the apron boundary line, watching it depart, it felt like my aviation path needed to take some form of flight. i still wasn't sure whatsup, neither did i make any plans, but i guess coz i've put so much heart on the line, perhaps i could actually recieve some form of feedback. lol, but ok.

then there was @madame.mafia_craft. shift work always give me alot of time to do other stuff. while i was trying keep busy, i was in the process of healing, learning and recovering. i started doing resin craft. really got aaaaalot of satisfaction from it. i did so much and got good at it that i needed to sell it so that i could fund the materials to keep doing it and also to not hoard my craft ahah. i love every piece but i simply can't keep it all at home. i probably did more than hundreds of it. had my first boothing experience at curbside crafters. didn't profit much but almost breakeven for the materials. at least i really enjoyed the process though to crafter out a high quality piece was quite demanding. 

through that process, somehow i really found peace. with all the time, solitude, earning money, doing craft, i enjoyed myself and finally explored the idea of practicing self-love. though i can't define that liberating feeling in totality, it was like a mixture of being me, being humble, and being free.

in March i went back to climbing! thanks to Han and Roy. found back that lost love...  and while climbing, han's friend who knew me for a day, introduced his friend back into climbing. to cut the love story short, i actually met a guy who is like a guy version of me. i dont think i'd be going through the details here, but the bulk memory of 2022 was with this guy. had my first SG camping trip with this ranger at lazarus island via st. john's. 

it was like an equipment check trip and in May, i went to Melbourne with him to attend his friends' wedding and also meet his close grp of friends in the process, i finally was able to fly to Perth to meet estee for a 2 days. attended my first wedding in the mountains at Bright, Victoria. such a beautiful place.

 

straight after the wedding, we went hiking up Mt. Bogong, Victoria's highest peak, and on gene's bday. supposedly a ez breezy morng hike, but winter came in early that weekend and this climb became my first snow/ice hike. lol. we weren't prepared for it.. i mean.. gene was in his trail running shoes. haha. but as hikers we did brought along our 'just in case' gears like thermals and headlights and we used up every equipt we had. for a moment, i found myself literally fighting for my life.. i dont think i've ever felt this way with any other mountains. haha ok maybe it's not that extreme la, but sun had arldy set and while crossing that pass known as 'Hells Gap' which was likka ridge with strong blowing winds, i really wondered if i could really make it to the hut. to put things into perspective, the cold that hit Victoria in that weekend was too abrupt and cold that it came out in the news. haha. all's good up there. we didnt summit on that day but we went up the next day. was super cold, but that's were i got myself a bf. i really didnt expect or to actually blunly put it, i didnt want it coz single life for me was great at that time and while i was enjoying it, i didnt expect someone to pop by just like that. 

anyways, we also had another camping night in the woods. super cold, but really nice and warm in the morng with aero pressed coffee made by gene and over some indon mee that tasted exceptionally good. after heading down, we went to trish's place for a night, before heading to Great Ocean road where gene wanted to bring me there to camp. was a more atas camping day after 'roughing' it out for the last few days. hahas. i rmbr the morng stroll up this path near the campsite just to cash a glimpse of the crashing waves from a high point, with gene hand's in mine. the golden sun was warm and toasty, the air was clear and the grass was so lushy green. life there and then was too good to be true. i really wanted time to just stop for us but as with all good things, i knew i had to embrace the bad. its not about being pessimist or what, but life is a balance.

soon after, i had this offer to change my Aviation path. i wasn't so sure tbh. i didn't know what i wanted coz i really love my current job. it just that the pay is too low and to simply bluntly put it, the mgmt suck. i really wanted to do more for the ground, pay more attention to welfare, allow avenues for workers to feedback and all that, but after years of trying, it just got harder. i didn't mind if there was no career progression for me since i do enjoy what i was doing anyways. perhaps a higher pay would be good, but even that, i can declare that after working for 8 yrs and at my highest technical grade as a Senior Tech, my basic was 2.4k and the ceiling was 3.6k after 10 yrs. i think at this point, i need to ask myself is this passion sustainable. if i could innovate or improve things on the ground, and make work life better for the guys, ok fair enough. but nothing was moving or even attempting to move. i felt my ideals shifting, my attitudes altering and my focus wavering. i didnt like myself, or the effort i put into living. but if the offer allowed me to have a higher pay, i felt short of reason to say no, especially if i could be on a platform to do more for aviation, had hopefully, more for the ground. so yea. that was that.

July, i WENT TO NEPAL. finallyyyyy. 15 days. by then the covid restrictions were laxed abit. i dun want to blog the experience here coz i think everything in detail is up in my YouTube channel ahhahs

but the mountains in Nepal is the first county that hit my heart and soul deep. they took my breath away, also literally at 4130m. i think its the highest point i've been and stayed for a night. was preempting AMS.. but was thankful that my body was somehow acclimatised by then and only had a small headache in the morng when i woke up.  oh yea, managed to hike to Poon Hill coz it was otw also. i think what made this trip special is coz back in 2007 while we're like teenagers,  after doing mt kinabalu, dickson and i said that we wanted to climb in Nepal one day, and after 12 yrs, we, or rather i, was financially able to do it. the travelling gap that covid introduced also made this climb more bittersweet. the journey - since 2007, really wasn't easy for me. 

so ok, came back sg, and after 4 days, i was on a cruise with mother poon and sis. royal caribbean was having this sale, so we decided to bring mother poon out coz we also havent been travelling and i think cruise was one of the relatively 'safer' option at that point in time. was sucha good break from life. didn't expect to enjoy a cruise and mother poon was happy. at that point in time i was also clearing out leaves coz i made that big decision to move out. so just before i started my new journey, i brought mother poon to melaka.

September, a new chapter unfolded. it started as a 6mths trng prog, so i was mostly on office hours during this period of time. had some time with gene on wkends though he was super busy while on course. we went Ballet Under the Stars, he intro me to Muay thai, we tried yoga tgr for the first time. He also finished his course in Oct. i managed to play Touch again. zoom zoom and it was year end.

so yea, that's my year in a nutshell. 

oh yes, i finally got my class 3 this yr, my 4T, and cate1(work stuff) for driving this yr. 

what's in for next yr?

i wanna get my class 2 bike. i sold my super4 during covid so i could buy a sniper to do deliveries ahhas.
some days i doubt my career movement. though i feel like it was good to get out, and also get into wherever i am, i felt like i could be better positioned. but anyways, i'm gonna make the best out of it! 

hmm. i wanna camp and climb in Yosemite. probably wanna do EBC but i dun think have enough budget and leaves for that. so maybe ebc will be 2024? 

i wanna do more bike tours if i can get my cl2.

i wanna bring Mother poon out of Asia man. idk how to do the logistics, but i needa figure out and probably get more confident with driving outside. 

as for sports.. i also wanna go back stronger in Touch. i dun think my body is ready coz contact though. probably also wanna do more classpass classes like yoga and spin. i also wanna improve in my climbing. i think for technical skills part it always a must keep improving, but i think i wanna focus more on strength coz some moves i know how to do it but can't execute it haahhs. as for bowling, haah i'm out of the league since i changed job. but i coz of climbing, my 3rd and 4th fingers expanded so much that it couldn't fit into my bowling ball. i just changed the insert and upp i think like 3 or 4 sizes?! ahhahs

wah its been awhile since i've blogged. i actually wanna blog more but i'm more into vlogging. haha i still got a backlog of vids to do man. i probably wanna get a new macbook pro, organize my media life abit and all. but phews... seems likka long list ah. anyways, looking forward to 2023. i dont think it'd get easier than 2022, but i definitely wanna be stronger. 

2022... just another 2021

its 10 jan 4am now.

just need to document my life alittle. 

in a nutshell, 2021 is really just like 2020. we're still in the phase where we're trying to live with COVID - endemic phase or smth. let me try and super summarized abit.

had to take CNPLs
saved leaves (skipping sch for work) just to go Nepal became useless
no travel
still no go to Nepal
so so done with sch coz we had graduation this yr despite finishing sch last year.

was more motivated beginning of the year.
alot of business ideas, but probably only executed 10% of it.
was experimenting and baking cookies alot at the end of last yr moving into jan and feb. 
successfully experimented out the best almond chocolate chip cookies ever. sold alot for cny. but this little business was really damn tiring hahas. i rmbr coming back from work and baking till 5am in the morning. but i guess for that excellent taste, its worth it. hahas

had a hit-and-run accident in which i couldn't find the stupid driver, hence unable to claim. nb.
and from it, i have a permanent ugly scar patch just above my knee.
finally started investing on my own.
worked aaaalot.
chiong alot.
oh... CLASS 2 !
and started taking Class 3, only to wait for 5 months before i simulator date.
started doing resin craft at home, hoping to business abit.

actually really that's about it. lol

hmm to go indepth abit, emotionally, this year has been really kind.
i think finally i'm learning to self-love abit more. willing to spend time just to do things i wanna do and not 'have to do'; also spent abit more on facial products lol. i feel like i'm learning to let go abit more. i think i can improve on it, but i feel like it might be erm... 'jeopardising' the efforts (emotional / mental / physical) i put in. good and bad really. can't rmbr if packing my room was this yr or last year. haha. but i feel like as of now, i needa trash out more things other than just repacking and reorganizing lol. hmm, also, i did try give my heart a chance early this yr. however, i felt like time and effort was wasted coz it felt like.. idk how to put it, while it started off very.. casual and erm... 'unintentional',  everything was really a waste of time. one thing good about it is that i learned that i've have learnt to not invest my heart onto ppl. really a game changer ahhas. so when we decided to end it, while the other person didnt seem to bother, it validated my decision to take back my love and shower on myself more. 

so yea. i've started to love myself more this yr.
for now, i'm just gonna sign off like this. hahas
like i feel there's not much valuable content to evaluate about 2021.
hahas maybe i might continue this post another day when i'm in a more... emo state?
oh i wanna blog abt my feels about work! but now i'm just bz with my resin craft. okok. i will continue this post again. ahhahs.

--------

Class 2

 gonna back-date this post. 

currently its 28 jan alrdy haha. but i still rmbr the feelings then coz they were pretty intense.

ok so reporting time was 7.15am. i still rmbring reaching cdc in the dark. was abit too early coz too excited. walked around abit, checked out the bikes abit. was actually looking out for my fav bike #. so for class 2, they have 6 MT09s. after all the practicals, my top 3 bikes were #229, #231, #230. as for the other bikes, either the clutch was too far out or i just couldnt get used to the response. it was critical coz for this MT09, its quite a tourquey bike.. pretty strong in gear 1 and the engine brake in gear 1 was quite strong for me. i rmbr my first time doing e-brake on that bike, ahhas almost flew fwd into the tree.

soon, it was time for our warm up run. there were 12 class 2 ppl, and aaalot of class 2A ppl. for the cl2, we went in order of 6 per grp, in order of our age, with the oldest gg first. i rmbr i was the last of the 1st grp haha. the sad thing is, we couldn't choose our bike. so for the whole time, i was really praying so hard that i get either of the 3 bikes, with #229 being my top choice. the probability of getting my fav bikes is 50-50 statically ahha. when it came my turn.. wah. i saw #229. i was like.. AMEN. God, u rock man!!! hahahs.  but the catch is this... the instructor advice us that on our 2nd run, we should choose a bike that's not the same as the 1st run - just in case. however saying that, because the bike will be running in order, if nothing change, i think i should be able to get back #229 during the test. on the 2nd run, i got #230. its my 3rd choice bike and i know that the biting point of the bike is alittle far, but still reachable. wah... on the 2nd run with that bike, i actually miss out the bumpy course abit. idky idkhow, but i'm glad it happened during the run and not during test.

in between the run, we also had a practice to drop the bike and lift up the bike and pushing the big through fig 8. i was a little apprehensive coz my back was almost recovering. i injured it the other time and from then on, i actually deliberately went to the gym to do more deadlifts lol. i dun think i'm that weak la ok. hahas. just that its really hard for me to get a good pt to leverage. the practice went fine, but i was thinking, i've not lift the bike 2x in a day and so far, in all attempts, i haven't really failed? u know sometimes, u just feel like u should at least fail one time during practice coz in life, nothing is 100% and if so far it's 100%, pls dont let that first failure be on the test day itself. yea. ahah. damn woman sia. so much unnecessary pressure gg on in my head.

was alot of waiting time. the instructor went through the circuit again, reminding us of the blindspots and check backs. oh yea, and there was a change in the test route. hahaha in exam mode, it felt like a earth-changing change. lol. basically its just changing lane at a later part of the route hahas.

so finally it was time. the TP all lined up there, ready to watch us drop and lift the bike. was freaking nerve-wrecking. like the whole world was watching with all the TP and candidates watching. and coz i was the only girl for cl2, it just made it more obvious. b4 my turn, i told my instructor that i freakking nervous. he say dont worry too much.. u'll be fine and all. but yea, anything could happen coz as mentioned, i havent failed on this b4. perhaps God made the bike lighter or what.. but it felt like i only used 30% effort as compared to the 110% effort. though the process felt prolongingly long but it went by fast. ahhahs. it felt miraculous that i made it through and the instructor who stood by said 'good job' and gave a thumbs up. haahah felt like i passed TP alrdy lol. 
idky its a big deal. but perhaps coz with my own bike, i never even push my bike. i have tried but usually not brave enough. ahhahs i guess coz its my bike so i dun dare push coz scared drop whahhas. so yea glad i'm so done with it. now the added pressure to start the TP proper so that i do have to redo this part again. haha 

TP went well. slope was good.
soon was fig of 8. i practiced so much for this that i was actually excited to do well. hahahs but b4 my turn, there was this class 2b clown ah, just before my turn, he actually cut queue and went in the circuit and was going round and round. like wtf? his tag was red and wasn't even supposed to be this prac. ahhahahs. that changed like my whole train of thoughts. the tester got of his chair and shouted at that guy like wth is he doing and where was he supposed to be. LOLLL. the tester really scolded him sia. apparently he wandered off his group and thought that he had to do fig of 8 there. lol then as the got back to his seat,  he pressed the blinker light for me to go, while he was getting on his seat and not looking, i moved off liao. not sure that he pressed the timer or what, but i know i did well can liao. ahaahs. exiting the fig 8 was another challenge coz i rmbr during my prac2b times, i always didn't there to pull the bike into a turn to avoid the solid white line. but i practiced so much that i was really a routine. hahas

crank course also difficult for me to do in gear 2. i decided to do in gear 1 anyways. just clear it can alrdy. done deal and move on.

after doing the turns and majorly checking blindspots, the most paradoxical one is the plank. haha. my heart was racing mad. u could feel the beats. but at the same time, its the course that u really needed to keep ur cool and just focus straight. i know i'm good at this course and with bigger bike this time, it technically should be stable. haha i focused far ahead and straight, ignoring that the tester is looking at me. once my back wheel is cleared, i took a hugee sigh of relief, complimented myself, took another deep breath and mentally shifted my focus to pylon salom.

this course is one of my weaker course. the requirement is to kick to gear 2 and with a cl2 bike, i need to trust and pull. i think i can't fully trust my weight to pull and sail, so i just gear 1 and half clutch. not the best option, but i know i've reserved some points for this course coz i'd rather go slow than to hit the cones and have an immediate failure. 

e-brake. apparently had some points for posture. not sure why, but doesn't matter. ahhahahs
then bumpy. ok so this is usually my confident course. but with cl2, the timing is long and have to really feel the clutch and throttle. but coz i screwed up during the warm up, it sorta gave be abit of comfort knowing where the limit is? so yea, i think it was my best run throughout the entire cl2 prace coz i could really feel the each hump and half clutch rev. good job. lol but while filtering out, there was an oncoming car... gg slow, but i just went, but it was a half half decision thing... not knowing if going was the right option to do so. but ohhs. no points for that. ahhahahahs all's good.

so yea, glad that all my bike prac is over. actually i feel like i dun really need a cl2 bike coz 2A is enough to cross borders. but i mean, just take when i'm young right. so i dun have to struggle with this limitation when i get older. lol so yea, thank God so much for this day, for keeping my safe and allowing me to perform just enough to clear it and save some money. really dun wanna go through the whole emotional run again hhas.

Beanie

 hi.

hahas its been long since i've used a laptop, and to blog. actually i've always been wanting to blog, but with so many social media outlets, i just emotional vomit them on those platforms for some short-term remedy. 

well, today i decided to make and effort to blog coz i wanted to blog about Beanie. 

recently, Beanie passed away on 12 Aug 2021. on that day, i was on the way to work when my sis msged me that Beanie is waiting for us. 

ok so, Beanie moved in with us just last yr with my sis. and coz of covid and also of the accident that caused me to be 1 month at home, i've been at home most of the time and spending alot of time with her.

just a wks b4 she passed, she had weakness in the right leg. we all thought maybe its some joint issues due to old age. she's about 10 yrs old. and just a few days before she passed, he mobility was really very limited. she couldn't even get to the pee mat to pee. and quickly, she couldn't even pee if she wanted to. the 2-3 nights b4 she passed was very difficult for her. she kept barking coz she wanted to pee but couldn't. we took turns to try and make her comfortable so that she can sleep. looking at her, i know she doesn't want to bother us, but she was in much discomfort.

everything happened pretty fast during that week. suddenly on one night, her tongue turned blue. my sis brought her to A&E and i think that was the first time my sis came back without Beanie. she had to stay there for observation. the next morng, my sis went back to visit her and it was good news that the doc said tt her condition was stabilized. however, after my sis left the hospital.. i think it was less than 4hrs that the doc urgently called my sis to ask her come and see Beanie asap.

i was otw to work while my sis called me to say "want to come down and see Beanie for the last time? she's waiting for u." i didn't know what to make of that, but i rushed down. 
i still rmbr half way through, it was raining. it literally dampened the whole mood. idky i started crying while riding. the journey felt long.

just to side track abit, i'm really not a big animal lover. its not that i dont love animals,  but i always had that thought that animals should be able to roam free in the wild - until i met Beanie. Beanie always seems damn bloody happy when we're around. its like each time we come home, even from just through garbage downstairs, she would rush to the door with her short stubby tail wagging like mad. its as though she nv see us for yrs like that. it always seems that she wants to please us, want us to be proud of her for everything, want to love us more than she possibly could. ya, through her, i learnt that probably for some animals, they really love being around humans. maybe it can for the food or shelther, but tbh, Beanie is so real.

yea, so i reached the hospital. it was raining quite heavily. and coz of COVID situation, the normal number of visitor allowed for each pet is 2. but there was my sis and my bil and i. i opted to wait outside, but the nurse was like, 'just come in'. it was at then that all the bad feelings sunk in. 

there were were a few patients and animal owners outside waiting, but its like, we had priority. it really isn't a good sign. 

i climbed up the flight of stairs and then i saw Beanie in this highly oxygenated plastic box. at first her body seemed weak and almost life-less because her breathing was shallow as she lied on the side. i rmbr my bil asking "is she gone alrdy?" however when she saw us, her eye lighted up. and almost an instant, it seems like she was back to normal again. i was like thinking, aiya, i think she just miss us coz she had to spend 1 night in a place with other animals in distress / sick mode. so maybe sayang abit then ask doc see if ok to bring her back. then the doc started explaining that she's got energy because she's one this jab and  all. and this jab is like prolonging her life. so w/o the jab, she would have difficulty breathing and her heart wont be able to take it and all. idk but whatever he said didnt seem to link up. i mean come on. look at Beanie. look how happy and even smiling and all. 

it was then the doc asked, or rather, told my sis and my bil that they had to make a decision. wtf.

obviously no. 

after some deliberation by them, it was decided to put her out of misery since the doc said that even if op, it wouldnt help coz her body was weak and all / might have complications blah blah blah. then they left Beanie to us in our room to "spend our last moments with her". i rmbr the doc provided some validations by saying "it is the right decision, it would be good for her".

wtf.

i think that moment was the 2nd emotionally hardest time of my life (1st being my dad's cremation when reality hit). i looked at Beanie, and still in disbelief. obviously she didn't want to go right. it's good if she can go home with us. maybe if wanna pass on, let her at least come home and let her decide right. maybe i wasn't in the right might to make good assessments, but beanie was still smiling ok.

too soon, the doc administered the jab. he previously brief us that beanie would just fall asleep and go peacefully. my sis and my bil give her the best assurance that they could probably give. and soon, beanie became lifeless but her eyes was still open. i rmbr my sis asking "her eyes not close so is she still...." then the doc replied "when animals die, they dont close their eyes, its not like humans.".

that was like a reality. check that beanie had just passed. huh?!

soon there was a wet puddle around her butt. beanie is a super clean and obedient dog. she only pees on her pee pad. even when she had alot of trouble peeing / not peeing / could not walk , she wanted to pee on her pee pad. my sis even got her dog pampers... but she still had to pee on her pee pad. so yea, its only when her muscles that was being triggered by the jab what made her relax, it was only then she peed. 

it was it. Beanie was not coming home and i was going back to work.

otw to work, it all felt like a bad nightmare. while the rain was falling, i couldn't tell if it was the rain or my tears blurring out my vision even though my helmet visor was down.

last photo with her. 

haiz. cant she just have a few more years with us???

beanie loves me more than i love her.

maybe the accident that made me stay home for 1 whole month was a blessing in disguise. prior to the accident, i was really working alot and only home for dinner, watch tv and zz with mother poon. usually she loves to cuddle with me in that sofa at the end of the day. so i guess me being 1 month at home was a treat for her. lol. the accident left me very bitter, made me v angsty and just disappointed at every single thing. i rmbr being super negative and bitter, not even bothering to eat my lunch. i lost 2kg while 1 mth at home. it wasn't me to be not eating. haha. beanie really made it more comfortable for me. most of the time in the afterrnoon, she would either be nua-ing with me or be alarmed and run to the kitchen when she hears my mother take out her her chopping board / switch on the water tap coz that would be opportunities for falling food. 

sometimes in the morng, she would make a big jump up to my bed (coz its quite a height for her failing hind legs) just to make a hole in my blanket to sleep inside while having some form of contact with me. 

 

mother was not big fan of fury animals too and she used to be scared of dogs coz when she was young, i think stray dogs chased after her b4 or smth. somehow, Beanie was life changing. hahahs. usually she nv touch animals, and always have that thought tt animals are dirty, might bite and chase her and all. but look at this photo lol. for some reason, she seem to have some connection with beanie. beanie seems to know how to handle mother poon (rather than mother poon knowing how to handle beanie haha). i rmbr towards the end of her life, it seems that mother poon could communicate with beanie more effectively than my sis? was abit stunning and unbelievable in retrospect.

haha now that Beanie is not here, mother poon laughs at animal vids more, shows us funny animal vids and all. before meeting beanie, she's really nonchalant to animal vids... and i think i admit i was like that too. Beanie taught us so much. and really, i think Beanie accompanied my mother at home and made mother poon more busy with having to seemingly loving an extra kid at home. i guess that's the closest she can get to having a grandchild at home. ahahas

but yea. i miss beanie. i wish she's still here with us. 

i know she still wants to be here. :(

and really tbh, i just feel like if we really brought beanie back home that day, who knows, maybe she'll get better and perhaps a few more specialized physio theraphy she'll be back to norm.

idk anything about animal and their biology, but through this episode, i dun think animals are given enough rights as how human have. i mean to like try and justify that statement, b4 any euthansia (or not even allowed) for humans, medical personnels will run more test and exhaust all possibilities to ensure that the diagnosis is the most accurate and that there are no more ways to improve the current quality of life. with animals, i feel like its always 'i feel that', 'based on experience', etc. the unvalidated assumptions. 

haiz. idk la. too depressing alrdy. if she's here now, it'l definitely be better.