waha finally im done with sf's blogskin. this time really cant believe the outcome. i juz love it!

her link is : http://www.isolated-baby.blogspot.com/

=DD

its a screenshot from FFAC . the coolest movie ever ! a real nicer power beautiful scene. cloud and tifa in a bed of flowers. snapped the shot and edited it from the video. the song she chose was damn nice too la.

correction, my dad did not bring my lappy for reservicing yet. he wanted to take it direct to th HQ, so that the waiting time is shorter. about 1week. but he didnt have time to go yet.

anyway, until then, i shall concentrate on other stuff la. my java hw not done also. urgh. i go study jap first.

1 more month and sch reopens. argh. dont want it to.

damn hungry. didnt dinner today. heh.

somehow i cant wait for next upcoming freshman orientation camp. xD
cant
wait.
cant.
wait.
cant.
wait.

=))

ciao``

woke up real late today. cant stand it im sleeping like a dead man till afternoon nowadays.

anyway went out with fong.

shes really sad about her O lvl results ba. a past scar never fails to hurt you. but juz hold on i bet its curable. I dont really have the right to say that cos im no better but lets learn how to trust ourselves..

pessi sets in again. likely. but trying to overcome. I hate my life to be used by people ba. this refers to many different kinda use. sometimes its too much. i feel my life is a monument of imbalance.

oh yeah thanks fong for the CHOCOLATE PIES today.YEah. nice. haha. THANKS
.

Im still myself. =))

GO GO GO!!

-though im sick and tired . of the hectic life.-

oh yeah. heres my Frozone empire from INTSC camp. u guys still rock. =)



---but of course. Argon always has a place in my heart!---

Slept at 3.45 yesterday.. woke up at 2.30pm today. haha. juz like a dead man. backaches are gone. coolness!

went to drum lesson. since i reached ps early i decided to drop by the X-zone. For a game lo. just nice. played himawari, scenario and er, some song i forgot le. then went to drum lessons. yay

I think i enjoy drum lessons more and more, though without cheryll now. hai. but its ok ba, still got some ppl, like brandon ,edmund and the girl. ive yet to noe her name. juz tok to her nia.
the rest nv tok before. cos all kids, sec2 kind. cant communicate. =S.

whole lesson was about the new piece of song. quite fun ba. lol. the beat now very fun.

theres this new kid. young also shud be sec2 ba. small boi boi one. he no beat de, but quite cute. but sbl him, cos he keeps hitting the crash cymbol , like so many times, though its on every 2 and 4th beat then hit one time -_-.

ok then went back to Xzone. keep playin drums cos no guitar. hehe.

then went burger king le. btw PPG ROX. with implementation of PPG, people around you get free food free drinks.so good right. so next time, start PPG! Its for ur own good of becomin project perrrffeeecct,! whats more, your frenx while like u even more! think about that ! +D~~

ok shall end here. go bathe, go play. blablabla

Im back! Mwahahahaha

From the INTSC Camp. It was nice.

Regret having those disgusting thoughts at first. like how to escape halfway. lolz. coz in the first place, im not that interested in INTSC. but now i think can ba. im starting to like the people as well as the organisation. though not yet as solid as TPSU. but alright la. now its hoping for the next badge of IT year 1s to make it all happen. =D

First day
Came to school. took the last bus which would make me on time. had a serious stomach ache X
so when i went to sch, saw boon, azri sheena vett they all. immediately put down my stuff and went to engine toilet =X . aisha and gerald was late. cos gerald took the wrong bus LOLz. cant imagine the reason xD. ok anyway normal ba. mayb my blur disease juz spread. lolz. but this class is still one of the warmest class ive ever had. juz hope we wun split up. my whole class went in at around 8.00am ba. lol. was suppose to report at 7.30am sharp.mwaha. but we simply waited for ppl.yayness.

then the class got split up into diff groups. guess i was one of the luckiest. i got split into a group with 3 of my classmates. yahoo. josh was kinda unlucky cos he was alone. but things went out fine for him still ba. a libra never fails in socializing.hahas. pan wei bo le someone. xD

my group FAs were Flannery & joycelyn. felt Flannery was damn familiar , he turned out to be the neon GL from foc.lolz. and talked to him bfore one day when i was walkin with shawn while waiting for belinda . kkz anyway, started with adventrue learning activities. flying fox, trust fall, a see-saw kinda thing. haha and i feel the jing rong is damn funny. she got that 24/7 smile then her actions also very funny. I already told her her smile is damn nice le on last day.LOL. shes damn enthu and I think almost the whole camp ive been laughing cos shes damn damn hao xiao! and very friendly also.lolz. anyway she was onli in my group for ALP ba. theres this guy steven, quite a nice guy. he gave me a feeling of Jeremy from my argon foc group. from the side of my eye he looks juz like Jeremy , haha. guess im really mising the foc. it was so damn fun, it started my entire poly life nicely. still remember during foc, first day i was kinda anti social or somthing. but this camp i seem diff. thats good ba.

lunch was ok ba. i was thinking, aiya $5 cannot expect much =X nv really mix with the group yet. joycelyn seem to be tryin to gao guan xi wif the group.lolz. nice FA! way ta go. but my class was still Anti social.lolz. we keep mixing wif outselves. later on had some activities of cheer . the rest of the day went fine. at first i kinda not so like arwan from my group ba. felt his leadership abit not goin the right way, cos he's too harsh and impatient at times, resemble that robin from argon. but alright ba, it seemed to get better. haha he's quite a nice guy afterall, though at certain times he still doesnt follow people's comments and acts on his own. but on contradictory, without him it wud have been a driving force not there in the group. so yeah, i still think he deserves the best leadership prize! HAHA! XD

we cooked with pots and pans in the night. like OBS. then had a night walk. quite fun. but longwinded. lol. and being the leader for one part of the walk was abit longwinded also, cos ur the one not blindfolded but u muz walk damn slow for the rest of the group to catch up .lolz. like leadin a large group of blind men. knocked out in the tent later, real shagg. shared the tent wif boon, gerald,jerome and ricky. gerald snored lolz. but i didnt hear. cos i was deep in sleep. +X

Second day
Morning. yay. went to bathe with josh azri they all. and i styled hair tt morning.yayness.waaha. made the whole group wait for me.lala. =X exam results was out. everyone was like worried or "yes i passed!" or sad. but i didnt sign up for the sms.urgh. so went with boon wei and gerald to one stop service later to check. i got ok grades =D quite happy but sad abt the C+s. visual lit and digital IMG. having lunch with my group was abit awkward, it seemed that nobody had anything to talk. cud see joycelyn face like sian diao, flannery tryin to say something but i.g.n.t.s kinda thing. arwan also i.g.n.t.s. puay khin and boling and ellenor tryin to think of ways to finish the big drumstick? Aisha and gerald and boon seem tired, maybe wanna tok but feel awkward too.LOLZ. i also, ignts. ricky seemed the same.

had some station activities also. then its preparation for talentime. it went quite smoothly, kinda wacky, but overal nice. i did something which destroyed my whole image oMG! but bweah. nvm lolz. ok , the buffet the food not very nice =X. i think the worst amoung all meals to me la. hha. said alot of byes, took alot of contacts. ate wif my warm loving class at the stairs.lol. I think no matter what they'll be there always and i feel so damn comfortable with them. hahahah. C116 rocks!

met so many people again. finally got to know nana, dom & DAWNIE his time. have been guessing who is who for real long. it turned out to be onli 3 girls lolz.met a girl veracious hu resembled cal in a few diff ways. got real shocked when i saw her in pink frame specs. it just reminded me of cal. totalli. my mind was kinda clouded up even now. cos i realise i tot of her less and less, but now its like regainin O_o. well see how ba.haha. but of coz, veracious is a nice girl also. shall not mix ppl and merge ppl. retarded ! LOL. and met ellanor who was zhengxiangs cousin. and she was so interested and so shocked when i asked her if she was zx couz.lolz. and she is being called a year 1 though she is yr 2 xD.

ok ba. shall end here. i realise i can now confidently tell my frenx i love em all. in a short 2 days onli i seem to miss so many people. lex,skn mei nu, datou, bj suet, knnth, some dm ppl, etc and so on. haha.

so im going to dbg now. im also missing drummania. =D.

ciao.

sigh. its another bad day today. let u guys see a scenario. My mum rushes out and says: "Im goin out to pick your bro ". minutes after she was gone my bro called and asked for my mum. so i told him mum was goin to pick him up ,so stay put. sounds like nothing was goin wrong eh? Well, it turned out to be a disaster.

My mum actually was picking my bro up at our house bustop. And due to MY ACTIONS my bro did not take the bus and he did not arrive. so when my mum called and realised what I DID. She shouted at me in the phone. Shouts at me that Im ALWAYS the one MESSING UP THINGS. Her tone was of a disgusted hate. was about to go out tt time, i paused for a moment , not knowing what to do. I knew I should have went out earlier, that way I would have missed the call. I hated myself for being so suay.

Walked outta home. sf called. talked abit. decided to walk to bhs anyway. im broke, might as well save $. how to survive with 4bucks... the months comin ill be broke still ba.

sometimes i feel so sad. why are there so many damn issues of my life. unescapable? Its not like those kinda -can-solve-if-you-try- kinda things. my mum for example, I really feel the hate she has in me. I try to talk to her nicely at times, but she'll reply and start to nag at me. she connects all so many things from the past about me and nags at me. once I was goin out, to collect my matric card which i lost and I made a new one. when i told her i was goin out to collect it, she instantly gave me a death-i-cant-stand-you-but-i-dun-wish-to-comment-la kinda look. how wud i feel? Just go out lo. nothing new, ive never failed to feel really sad whenever i leave home. either she shouts at me or says words about her disgust of me. one of her reasons she told me when i couldnt take it and confronted her was that it was cos of my hair color, when she looks at it she feels what-the-fuck-im-disgusted-and-ashamed-to-have-a-son-like-you-butivegotnthnmorecomentliao.

Im to be blamed for things I dont know. I have to be blamed for things I thought I knew. I have to be blamed for being myself. I have to learn how to talk. I have to learn the way I should act. I have to try my best to please my parents by being the super guai kia. Stayin close to restrictions like needing to be home before 12. should I ask for a later time they might agree, with a ugly unhappy tone. i feel really stressed. im stressed up. i wanna stop living. stop existing. sorry.

I realise how ive let everything engulf me in the deep whirls of darkness.

Ive realised how I let my life die

But I thank you guys for reviving me.

May it be tagging something, talking to me real life, trying to make it all better. thanks kelvin for the email too, its almost as long as my post. well, thanks guys. You dont know how touched I am. but. ya.

I realise I cant let memories from the past defeat me, but as for memories of the present and most probably the future, Ill kick it off. It'll continue to come, probably will start to build up again. I shall promise myself this . Ill stand through fire. wind. storms. and anything else. I might still continue being this sucky being, but at least. I stay as Nicholas , the LEO guy. Passion for DRUMS. love the FRIENDS around me. love WATER ACTIVITIES. still crazy over DM,GF. let my life burn out from that passion.

to sf: I think its not rare that you seem always there now ba. words dont express how lucky I am to recieve a friend like you. Many things you derive about me have never failed to hit the target. guess you have this thing in you to look through people. that's your strength. but your more or less now my strength too. so thanks loads. =] it healed the me within somehow, ya know. that hard hit you gave me below Alberts house. O_o.

to christie: why are u like me? haha not that bad ba. straight A student.. xD

to Cheryl: hey thanks alot.I felt the things u seem to try to do that day after u read my blog to make me feel better. like givin me some sort of encouragement through actions. though that S didnt come argh. its due to my lack of calmness when given a task. I will jia you de.. u too. pass desert rose soon man. u can do it!

to adels: Ya lo. this world is filled with comparisons. studies, skills, power, wealth, everything. sucky but it exists. ill kill him/her if comparison was a person. xD bhss. ill go. =) perhaps wed.

to Yuhshin: heyhey. thanks . its damn scary la, for a person to chiong so fast. for that, i can say i understand how u feel.lolz. Ill juz have to pick up the pieces and continue running from here la. power to me! xD

to traces: haha. like mugging hard for exams. =) ya i think i DO NOT have time to moan over sad and discouragin stuff about past present or future. I shall not lose vision and sight. arigato ne.

to Shengtat: haha. I wont give up. but btw... P&C like no linkage -_-. they dun do maths dots. lolz. haha but anyway got ur message. thankss

to ahjun: haha studies aint actually what i desire to achieve to the peak ba. I dont even like studying for a start. but anyway, u can de la. DDs shudnt be a problem for u anymore, shud be able to pass better than me now. =) now our vision is to think of a suitable present for the baby josh day of birth ba. xD

to ali: thanks for that. I realise what you say does make sense. its so important to live ur life carefree ba, its the base of accomplishments perhaps. And instead of letting memories affect me, I should not lose focus. Thanks, thanks and THANKS! =]

to kelvin: Thanks loads for that email. can say I was shocked ba. wonderin hu WTF me in my email -_-" the things you shared kinda cleared my vision ba. for everything , theres every other thing which have a price to pay. We gain we lose, but I dun wanna lose hope le. Ill stand AGAINST this life de. once again thanks.!

to ryll: lol thanks thanks. ya heck it. come back sg soon ba. ok?haha. .if the drum class at ur house is good tell me hor. for now im stayin wif James. =)

haha. i dont really want this post to be read by everyone, but shouting out everything into this blog makes me feel better.Its the only way. Im juz thinking about things once again la. this world is so filled with things for the living lifestreams to flow through , to found out things about themselves. why am i such a loser in life. i dun seem to excell in anything especially good to its peak. isit that i dont practice or i just dont have the fate. gun games, i duno la. i like to play yet i suck. i keep dying. that sucks. the more i try the worst i do.i cant shoot or aim properly .thats why. hai. rather not be so kind to make myself a laughing stock for people all the time. sports, total suck. i cant play well. its just so inborn, could still remember how i injured tristan last time, his eyes bled like shit , and how i made bram fall. all cos i chiong too fast, i tend to knock into people, i injure em. its damn scary la, its as though a darkgod is with me everytime. remembered i really like bball. i juz realy like it, but i continue to cant play it. so if frenx ask me to play, ill try to skip it. i dont wanna be a turn off can. i dont like to always be so kind to be a laughin stock for people. laghing too long may kill a person . i dowanna be killed inside yet. im still struggling, my burning out life force from inside. Pool? Remember there was a time i was so into it. i cudnt seem to stop. sometimes i wud be good. but its the very last black ball that i have probs with. i felt its juz like the darkgod is doin it again, playin with my psycology. i wud seem to be winnin at the beggining, but that last black ball will stay. i dont know why, i cud have hit all balls, leavin my opponent dead-like, but they will still win. cos my black ball aint gonna go in anyway. dont ask me why. isuck. girls can even win me. stupid shit right me. ya. games ba, dotA, CS. those 2 games i always play at irc after O level period. No doubt. i can swear to me and myself, i liked it. though i like dota better, cos cs always causes me a real heavy headache after every lan session. but i always am the one losing ba, in cs, sometimes i seem improvin, other times, actually im juz being killed. sucked at it. laughin stock. inevitabily. i was a laughin stock again. i realli liked warcraft can. i like rpg games, frozen throne was nice. i loved my beastmaster, it was juz my type of character. but when it changed to dotA, i juz suck la. its an inborn thing to me, i cant control. i duno how to backstab properly. juz keep dying.dun blame me. hai. lets talk about my passion, the one suet induced into me. drums first. i tot it was one damn insteresting machine, i practiced. wasted hundreds away, just to pass the few easy songs. break down advance? Taisetsunamono advance? I think people like siew fong is progressing so much fast than me wor. all i cud do last time was to hide myself at marina after studyin ill go tt dark arcade play.[ya.i studied at esplanade last time, but my real reason was i wanted isolation. i wanted to be alone. i felt better being alone...] wtf. hai, and fail? now i do bass, but i cant do alot of songs. i juz fail. whatever songs i can, i cant get good grades. As? Ss? Haha As maybe la. frequency is like 5% maybe. S is like none. maybe 1 song. I dont get such good grades even though i played quite long le.along with it is people who ask me to forget it la, or laughter maybe. maybe sacarsm, maybe questions which are so freakin insensitive, like, why u still cannot pass/S. hmm, once was even told to change to play something else. haha nice joke, what.what. WHAT. theres nothing can. i suck at everything. ur question can be rephrased as, u can dun play anything le. go die ba. go die, i feel like doing that. isit alright if i start learning everything again? Like restart a whole new life.. since life's a game, why cant there be a restart. there was a time i really felt like givin up drummania anyway, a ''what for'' was stuck in my mind. tell u guys why at times i juz dowanna play any GF or DM, or certain times, i juz disappear quietly, cos i feel like a noob when with u guys in DBG. i feel like a whatever stay there for im from another world kinda thing. whatabout guitar? Theres this thing, when i seem to improve in drums, my guitar would drop., skills kinda divided by 2. same for drums, guitar improve. drum skills divide by 2. thats why i would nv dare to play 2 at the same period of time. now, at this very period, i cant play gf. i cant do it , my double pickin is deteoriated. normal notes i cant catch. and so on. so i wont touch it temporally. im afraid, if i touch it, my skills will really permanantly drop. im real scared of tt. i dont wanna start all over again. i dont have time for that.. i swear, that if i were to leave DM and GF one day, i would be extremely sad. ill hate myself. more than anything. im afraid that day will come. ill pray that it wont...this is really freakin affecting me. Now, I no longer feel free like in the past while playing. I feel trapped. Even though i like the game, I cant show to people how much I like it, cos i feel i have no right to show it out. You like it but u suck so much? Ya right. HAHAHAH. -->im juz afraid. id get a comment like this. or perhaps a comment like, u like this song ah? But u cant full combo.lolz. so how am i supposed to show? I cant. People's comments juz affect me. let u all have a laugh now ba,i juz finished playing drum today, and after it all, a little kid was sitting behind me suddenly, and he said to me :"hha.lousy..boo". that was xiao bryant's little bro. still damn small. haha. anyway, hows the joke of the day. isit damn funny? Maybe some people seeing this might be laughin like shit ba. amusing eh? Nice right....u can use it to taunt me next time le. thank god u read my blog........... k ba, aside from skill and games. we take a look at my studies . i dont even know why i got into a pure science class. maybe i cheated, the way i studied in sec 2 was a lie. i cheated. i memorized my science text.thats all i remembered. getting into 3e1 was my only dream then. but why.. i dont know how to study even. memorizing isnt everything can. its about understandin, applying, and deriving. i cant do that, no matter whatever ways i try. physics, i can mug the whole night and still fail the next day. the numbers of test results i get back with red marks was uncountable. chemistry, of course i wudnt want to fail it. it seemed easy, but i failed. until mrs koh asked me if i did study. and most of the times, i seem to fall asleep in class. not only did i fail to catch up, the more the lesson went on, the more i was behind. i didnt noe how to study. bio.. maybe that was the only one i cud borderline pass. im tired la, i see everyone lookin, comparing marks when test results come back, while im always hiding. its damn hard hiding ok.. when u hear big swearings, "shit why didnt i write this","shit i cudve got that 1 mark and full marks","benny howww. i onli got 27marks/30" , "hate u la benny why u cud do that question!","yeahh i passed. i didnt study walao","walao eh tyco i got freakin 23/30". yeah, just like my class. siok, evelyn, marcus wud do well, they'd at least passed. mayb not so good sometimes, most of the time, its ok.not an extreme case. Ill be just there la, hiding the freakin marks. i feel like crying yet i hafta mask it up also. i had to act as though i didnt really study much, or that i didnt care. what to do, im a pride freak.i hate it when friends come ask my marks, then i tell em a real low one, they take pity on me or smthn. i feel disgusted. really. Im juz so stupid, but also no need to pity ba.even my chinese dropped . i stayed at 60+ marks after tt. i feel freakin sad, how hard i study, ill only be average. then why study? but what if i dont study? then fail badly ba, a 10, a 6, i guess its no prob for me. i can get it. Of coz, there are always so many intelligent people around me, who didnt really study as they claim, but sometimes i see they do sometimes, but their study is kinda slackish, but they score real well, distinctions, As. cheryll is one of em ba. ryll if u see this dun try to deny it k-_-. marcus is another one, alot of last min. and he juz sleeps when its 12am maximum, even at Os ba. he got so many As for Os. i feel that ive wasted so much time mugging, strivin, when others play, relax abit, concentrate on other skills, then mug a little here and there.and get better than me, not like a good pass, but an excellent one. can that be taken to gauge the same thing, maybe i shud juz give up studyin la, what for.right. same as the drum theory. why try so hard when what u get is shit back. who wants shit. huh? tell u guys a shockin thing ba, i was 2nd last in class 4e1 in sec 4. wowness. now u all see how suckky i am. doesnt mean im 4e1 im smart. im nothin near average. below i mean, not above . oh yeah, pls don tell me anythin sayin tt im asummin u all think im in 4e1 then u all would think of me as smart, i have nv cancelled out other possibilities. k. dont flame me. At O level results i got the same old average results again. ok, life went on. in tp, i joined dragonboat. right. it was a cool experience, i have never not have fun doin water activities/sports. i love the beach, love the pool, anything related to water sports, like canoeing kayaking. its nice. i somehow feel free. but i quit it. i really liked it , but i cant do it. my arms juz wont give me that pullin motion for my pullups. the test wasnt for me...sigh. when everyone is improvin, i cant seem to even do one. this seems like another similar thing as my test results in sec 4 ba, everyone around me is like "i can finally do 5/6/7/8/9/10.etc". people get happier and happier each time, but not for me. i tried. trained at home, but hai. i finally juz broke down , gave up. what for go for a test which i wun even pass. im forced to leave DB .. thanks for all those encouraging me. really sorry lex bro. i dreamt about us in a competition in the same boat, it wud have been a nice & cool feeling of competiting beside u. but nah, guess its just a dream. i have to wake up one day.sorry to pang seh u. to those who kept encouraging,though u all think i wudnt make it. thanks la. its appreciated. its me that isnt worth. thats why no-one should put hopes on me, i nv fail to fail you guys. im juz stiff myself, i cant do things well, in competitions i panic, everythin screws up. ive never won a single prize for art competitions my teachers sent me in pri sch. so what if my drawin was abit better than my classmates, they didnt care much about drawin, while i juz wanted to do it to my best. when at competitions, i need not wait for results, no mater how hard i put my effort in, nothing comes back. got la , a consolation prize maybe. there'll always be in everything, someone so much better than me. this guy mervy would always win , top prize. best student also in academic. for one short period i sorta hated him, i cant stand myself, maybe im jealous. but thats kinda stupid la, i kicked that hate away somehow anyway. so once again, i ask myself, why go for that competiton, if u know u aint gonna win anyway.? I remember telling myself to win. in PSLE. coz my dad simply told me juz do ur best, u might not go to a good sch but even so u muz try to be the best there. i hated tt though, i told myself in p6, i do not want that 'might not' to even exist to connect the rest of the sentence. i tried really hard, anderson secondary. it was my dream to be there, those days, i only thought going to a gd sch meant a gd future. i strived so hard i sometimes broke down due to overstress, maths ques i cant solve with lego method, box method, or guess and check,anything at all, i wud try till my string within me broke.sometimes i wud throw the pen hard towards the room door shud it suddenly not work properly and have a blockage. Once it broke. I dono how hard I threw it. if i had at least a heck care attitude , juz abit, i wudnt be cryin out of excess stress everynight after 12, cos i cant finish doin that very set of paper. so i got it, 4As in PSLE. but so what. heaven was juz so unfair to have be born in the dragon year, i cudnt go to any first 3 schls... end up in balestier hill. sigh. i even confronted my dad and told him that i noe he isnt happy with me for endin up in that sch. cos i saw him as kinda disaapointed. i wonder why too, why i did that. those words might have hurt him that time. Till now, I sometimes feel sorry for my dad for having a son like me, im constantly unhappy, even once, he came and told me, he feels that he have lost a son. a son who would smile and be happy for what he is and what he achieves. but the thing is that, i have acheived nothing. nothing i need to be proud of. try to think of something, but none comes to my mind. which thing in my life could i be proud of? do i have extraordinary skills people look up to? Academic which gives me all As all the time? Am i a person who people can surely turn to when they have probs and ill surely be able to help them? someone others look up to as a challenge? Ask myself that. its a no. i can confidently symbolise my life as rubbish from the rubbish dump, pieced together to form my life. so i have diff diff kinda things, but its all remains of what people used to have. its juz rubbish. i dont mind being used nd reused anymore, that is my life. its a good thing rubbish is recycled . so ppl, if u really need someone to vent on, or juz make use of, i think you'll choose me ba, a rubbish. garbage. u can use me as much, until the day i die. my life, its a worthless piece of thing. Do u guys noe why people kill themselves, its juz that they find no more road for them to go, cos their part is not lighted up. they find no light,not even a torch. its seemed like the end. people who cut themselves, they feel the pain to make up for the pain felt in their heart which is overleaking. people who take drugs, they want to escape the freakin reality thats before them, they want to see things changed, they are tired of life. But these people look pathetic already. they seem really vulnerable, what about me. i dont even look that. its the worst , when ur like this but u look like that. hai duno what im saying sorry guys. at least i know 1 thing which is good about me is above all my inabilities, i can bring laughter to my friends. Ill be the odd one out as a laughin stock. at least, my life has this meaning to it. at least, its not wasted. What else.. im learning jap right.... but why cant i converse in jap yet. im in E3 ba.. ppl can ask me alot of words and ill be unable to answer. im not like pinkynic, he's also counted in the more zai kinda people around, im stupid. i learn things and forget, i need to refer, i interprete things wrongly, i have weak katagana foundation. until now i have never answered correctly any1's question of how to say this how to say that. how sucky can i be? Im sorry Maruyama sensei. after all these times, i think im the worst student . whether im hardworkin or not, its the same. why am i stupid to choose the hardworkin path? I cant choose the other. At least , i get the delusion of havin a aim to improve in my life. pinky nic always asks me to jia you. but i really duno where to start, be it drums or jap. even designs i come up with ba, perhaps for my sch work or other stuff, kelvin says its lacks professionalism and creativity. But theres no way to cultivate creativity ba. hai but what to do. really, im askin a serious question this time.. haiz. what to do. i wanna improve, i wan to do things to a proffessional guideline. after all this time, i have no creativity still. why is heaven so damn unfair to me, to instill all these unwanted qualities, all only onto me. just me, aint my life rubbish enough. why muz it still be soaked in black mud water... aint it dirty enough. to be from a rubbish bin.....my designs are all shit. Miss lim was right la, when i went back to sch. why act like a design student anyways, poser. freak. shit. i have no right, even if i prefer to display a more distinct, 'me'. i have no right, if i look like a design poser, juz call me ba. the words she shot at me, it already killed me. my designing sucks, drawin, heh, its called crap can. what about the professionalism, not even there. ill only recieve headshakes ba. yeah. im a nothing. so what character am i supposed to follow. i cannot be something i strive for, cannot be sometime i aim for, cannot be something i try to potray out to show what i realli am inside....... i feel trapped. in a world where everythin matters. Lets look at my love life now maybe? I have zero. i have nothing. I have no one to really turn to when im sad, never had. The only one who realli appreciated me was tracy.. but I was so damn fuckr to give her up. break her away from me. why. After a period of time, im beggining to think of things keeping me from relationships. Im afraid my vulnerable self would stress my girl, if i ever had one. I dont wanna inflict sadness or stress on her. thats a fear i have all these while. Im afraid I cant give her all the happiness she hoped for, thats whats on my mind when ppl tell me to find ways to win her heart. to whichever girl i liked at that time la. what if everything fails, ill be breakin a heart, losing a friendship. its all of absurd fear, but a person like me, what can i give. my rubbish? I have nothing she can be proud of, I have no accomplishments. I dont have anything she could brag to her friends about. I dont want such a sad thing to happen to any girl on earth, being with a guy whos a loser, or maybe being with a guy u cant brag about or have nothing to be proud of. Havin a guy whom you need to protect verbally to save his pride. what kinda guy is that. its a really sad tradgedy. thats why... thats why im avoiding all friends encouragment to woo anyone. I dont want a sad tradgedy to happen like this. I dont want the girl i like to suffer. So now, to all u guys hu keep encouraging and teachin me stuff, thanks ba, but now u noe whats on my mind thats troubling me all this while. Im a character born to be alone, when there's a adam, there will never be an eve. thats in my world. my world is juz like this song by jay, shi jie mo re. maybe i shudnt say these. im real sorry, Jay fans. i have no right to associate myself with Jay. its an insult. sorry. Jay is shuai ba, im juz a shuai-wannabe. Sucky natural hair, sucky blur lookin face. tl. unfit and everything else..

i feel like dying. i want a restart.

FINAL FANTASY ADVENT CHILDREN ROX! Its damn nice. just watched for the first time.
wahah. but gonna watch again with lex n sf. nice nice nice nice.

Tifa is gorgeous.!

the flower girl (i forgot her name) is aso. very nice

NICE GRAPHICS LA. WAAAY BETTER THAN TT ANG MO MADE SPIRITS WITHIN.

SHALL MAKE A ADVENT SKIN SOON =X

heres some screenshots: [WARNING SPOILERS]


this is Tifa. nice eh her eyes. totemo kirei desu ne.

cloud strife.i like his hair!!

that flower girl who died. anyone can refresh my memory ?her name=X

cool eh

battle scene

oh i found out. her name is Aeris. hahah

Haha. Guess I made a new skin again.
This ones on ichigo , from bleach.
Love the song too man! xD

some people /or rather MOST/ OR ALL
think my previous first skin was.irksome?
or duno what to say.haha. so i change lo.
not that i didnt like it. xD.

Alright enjoy this skin!

hah.seems like alot of ppl think that this skin is so not me.

haha but i wun care cos i like it. Its just me potraying my inner landscape .

Yayness. This is my first own made no editing blogskin. xD Been feeling kinda cold inside. deep in i feel snow falling, just like the phrases in this skin. I feel the same.

Finally know how to make and code my very own blogskin. and get rid of that nav bar.waha. IT Student has done it again =X

ok, anyway. my usual kinda blogskin will come back soon. accordin to adel, this skin kinda not me. lols. its too peaceful ba. this skin design is purely done thru how i feel in this period of time. =]

alright.ciao

heya guys, back to my blog again. somehow i still do, once in awhile drop by DBG. but not for long hours, nt the occasional sit down and enjoy the crowd kinda thing. just to play.

wad to do, the drum set there is good. sigh

anyway, thanks alot kenneth, for making things clearer for me to see. Can i say that i think i dont really like ******* afteral? But is that the truth i dont know. If according to kenneth's guidelines, well yea its the latter, as i see it now ba. I dont really know, cus its a real wierd thing. Maybe I dont completely know you yet. Perhaps im juz mesmerized. extremely mesmerized by you. really.truly. but perhaps, its juz a guess. lets see.

Liking a person isnt all about looks or compatibility in looks . not about common interests..? Anything is possible, just one thing remains important, you have to feel real comortable with that person. All thanks to kenneth ive seen this point. She may not be the most beautiful, most shining , outstanding person in this world, but when your with her, you feel a heaven. Not like any kind of rich engulfing feeling, this ones your very own , comfortable, heartwarming, calm and beautiful. It should materialise your heart, slowly, fading into your inner landscape.


other than that, i should learn to accept myself first. I noe for one that i am really uncontented for what i am. I bear no competition to anyone im damn lousy at everything. I suck at so many things im crying from inside. Good determination doesnt always bear results. Theres so many things i wanna learn .yet so damn little time. Learning so many things, yet i dont grapse fast enough. juz like perhaps my jap. alot of words i dont know, but i feel i need to noe. so many particle, sentence structures, past present perfect.. so many forms, and still increasing, so many kanji words ,so many diff meaning for the same word, so many diff kanji writing for the same word which means different things. I think i really wanna buck up le. Jap aint that easy afterall.

until i accept myself. I dont have the ability to accept others. No ability to allow someone to come into my life.

its that simple.

been a nice day for me. real nice. till i went to dbg. long story. dowanna say.

its like that.

im done wif DBG.

THE name of it IS FREAKIN SHITTY to me

it doesnt appeal.

all i see in this place is haunting of memories.]=

wtf

I HATE THIS PLACE.

Ive stopped liking it ever since.. when? Its been very long. well people whom i dont truly heart-to-heart communicate with will not noe. I do hate that place. ever since.. april or may 2005. yeah its that long ago. the hatred simply has built up. its a place where ive lost so many things. lost my life. lost my friends. i dont really know how to put it. its made everything change.like what the heck.

Then this DM group seems to hold so much confusions and troubles sometimes

well, but im not involved. dont bother to try get me involved. die trying

Ive never been really happy when i enter this hell place.
Ive never truly smiled from my heart .

I hate it with all my heart.
Im not being sacarstic here.
I mean what i say.
I dont wish to spell out everything thats happened. But should I have been given a chance, i would never have entered this fuckin place in the first place.

sigh.

guess i wont be goin there for 1 or 2 weeks.




.............................................................
dont.ask.me.why.please.
..............................................................

My jealousy stats from ade's blog test:

You are 42.86% jealous!
For this test, the average jealousy percentage is 35.54%.
239424 people have taken this test to date.



This percentage means that :
•You are not a jealous person, but sometimes can be.
•Occasionally, you over-react to situations.
•Most of the time, you trust the people around.
•Jealously will not be a major issue in relationships, but you might want to improve your self-esteem.

haha.guess not soo damn bad yet. im relievd

hai mum and dad seem abit bu shuang now. cos i came home late again. but i feel damn bad also la, im nt able to always come home early for dinner cos theres alot of draggy stuff, and when i come home its like 8-9pm. nv fail to.so sometimes i juz merely say im not comin back for dinner. but days which i feel bad and juz say im comin home, ill still drag till 9pm. then it all starts again, dad will call, cant stand tt real emotionless tone. i duno what to say. haiiz.

Anyway, forget abt it. its not something solvable. shall share my happiness with the blog anyway. yeah im irksome.hah.

my frikin exams are over! and i noe can pass.haha. today did cmaths. was stuck at one ques lo. that recursive sequence formula thing.walao i swear i studied that special computer usin fomula which was the ans for that ques but tt was durin term test argh. so damn irritated so i stayed at my seat though im roughly finished with the rest of the ques. and kept thinkin, then i gek till the ans occured ! WAHAHAHAHAHA. half dead by then. but yeah. got it! xD

end of exams. shall go improve myself. whatever i wanna improve. too lack of knowledge and skills.

ciao

ARGHHHHHHHH SO FREAKIN STRESSED UP!!! FREAKIN EXAMS

AT SUCH A TIME WHY MUZ MY MUM STILL GO ON ABOUT TRIVIAL MATTERS SUCH AS NOT BEING ABLE TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING! I DONT FREAKIN CARE! I DONT HAVE TIME TO CARE CAN.AND WHY MUZ SHE KEEP GOIN ON ABOUT HER DISPLEASURE ABOUT SEEIN MY HAIR. EVERYTIME SHES UNHAPPY WITH ME , EVEN WITH ME DOIN NOTHING WRONG. WHY? COS AT THAT MOMENT SHE SEE MY HAIR COLOUR AND ALL THAT, SHE HATES MY IMAGE. EVERYTHING.

WALK OUT OF THE HOUSE LA. I CANT STAND LIVIN IN THIS KINDA TIME BOMB ANYMORE.

IM STRESSED UP ENOUGH ABOUT SCH, MY LIFE.

SO MANY INSUFFICIENT QUALITIES.

I HATE THIS LIFE.

took a which bleach character are u quiz and im Ishida.LOLS. ok maybe its the fact that i like bows and arrows.

No one can stop the flow of time.

But...

... a picture kept inside a heart...

...will always be there.

Deep within, the picture will be displayed..

And it will forever touch the heart...

Sweetly...

Bitterly...

went to sch today to collect my matric card and at the same time to study abit at the library. was hoping for some peace and quiet in a corner but the library was filled wif ppl sia.hai.

anyway studied the last few iiso lecture slides. i think just read some more materials then im done le. all the best to me. Settled the binomial barrier today, finalli noe how to do those sums. oh and thnx mr seah for lettin me recall bout the subbin in as x value thingy! haha.


Went to meet sf at marina again. then went to PS. we walked one big round la. lolz. i noe e short way le. anyway, solved a few maths as well as recalled some maths along the way as well as in arcade.


bleah. feel like so little to say today. maybe not perfectly enjoying to the max cos exams are hinderin me ba. its formin a thick barrier towards my GF and DM-iing.cant even do any double pickin now . all tensed up. hope exams are over asap. oh and charlene gave me a packet of seaweed..lolz thanks ah! my fav. though she say is uneatable. xD

And im loving the song Captain's Voyage by Motaoki Furukawa. like once again. lolz. I just feel a thousand emotions being expressed in this song. its a mix of every slight bit of emotion. love, friendship, hope, will to move on. confusion, worried thoughts, good endings, power. Doubts and trust. just to name a few, thats what i feel frm this song. hahas. If you relate it to a captains voyage to his mates, its easy to picture this collage of thoughts blended together. One really beautiful piece of music i should say. AND I LOVE IT. though i cant combo it or whatever shit. cos i kinda suck at this DM & GF, but I really shoul wake up. I shouldnt lose my power to feel the music and enjoy them like how i used to in sec3. I feel its equally important ba, to get the good grades, at the same time u shud learn to enjoy the music and most of all have fun. recently more and more are losin this power to do so. haix. i promise . that wun happen on me.

=))

to the exams!

just an ordinary guy.//


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