Just Breathe

Two simple words. They are quite beautiful and have become ever so popular in the jewelry and tattoo industries. Why? Because sometimes breathing is the only thing we have left to do. Sometimes the stress, anxiety, sadness, fear takes everything else away from us. Sometimes we have to remember to notice the air that we breathe because the autonomous function is all that we feel can help us through.

The words of some of my favorite musicians sing through my head as I work through my biggest boughts of anxiety. Ingrid michaelson serenades me with the words I sometimes feel she took right from my heart, "all that I know is I'm breathing. All we can do is keep breathing." Plumb passionately puts voice to my thoughts and helps me through my moments of sorrow, "How many times have you heard me cry out, 'God please take this?' How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing?" These words and moments help me cope with some of the hardest parts of my life, and the act of breathing- the ever so simple drawing in of a breath and slowly exhaling it is powerful. It calms. It heals. It helps to just breathe.

But these two beautiful and simple words hold such a different meaning to me now. They comfort as much as they hurt. Why? Because I now know and understand that for some it's not so simple. For some breathing is the hardest part of life.

For one in particular, for MY one, just breathing hurts. It's difficult. It will be the eventual reason for the passing from this world to the next.

Just breathe.

If only it were that simple.

If only it didn't cause pain.

If only he could.


I would give every breath I had to make just one of his easier, but life isn't fair that way. It doesn't work that way. I can live my days without a second thought about if the next time I inhale it will feel like a knife in my chest. I can cry and take a deep calming breath to try to find comfort. I can struggle through the hard times with a voice singing in my head a truth he can't share "all we can do is keep breathing. Now."

So while the words 'just breathe' still hold a beautiful and strong sentiment for me, their weight is now so much more. Take a breath in and be thankful. Unless you know and love someone who struggles the way he does, you can never fully understand just how lucky we are.


*May is Cystic fibrosis awareness month. I'm aware every moment of my life. I don't need a month, but I do need a place and space to let all that I hold out. This is that space.

November 6: I'm thankful for my friend, Katey Johnson! I needed the recharging of spending time with friends and the reminder that I'm really not alone. :)

November 5: I slept the whole night without my back brace. First time in over 7 weeks. I'm thankful for healing and for the absence of hard plastic digging into my ribs while I sleep!

November 4: I'm thankful for the simple joys in life...like cleaning off a table of "to do later piles" and rearranging a few things in my classroom. Ahhhh, it feels new and fresh again!

Today I'm thankful for songs that play in your head long after the music has stopped.


And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

A month of thanks

I've made it through surgery and for the most part my pain is gone. But, even with that happy news I sometimes find myself in a funk. Months of pain have taken a bigger toll on me than I realized and I now find myself in need of looking for the really great things in my life and focusing on them. November seems like a great month to focus on things to be thankful for. So...that's exactly what I plan to do this month.

November 1: Today is my dad's birthday. Today I'm thankful for a dad who loves unconditionally and supports me in his unique ways. :) I'm thankful for the silliness that he has taught me. I'm thankful for memories of trick-or-treating with him every year and for his eagerness to participate in all my big ideas and adventures as a kid. I'm thankful for his passion for gardening. I tease him about it, but the backyard is amazing and the food is always great...even if all that is in their fridge are jars of pickles and salsa. :)

November 2: Today I'm thankful for snow. It is difficult to get around in, but it makes everything so beautiful. The world is quieted with those first few snowfalls and I'm reminded of God's grace and presence. I'll always be a snow bunny. :) (Can I start listening to Christmas music yet??)

The title of my blog is "Splendid Unknown" but the truth is, sometimes the "Unknown" is far from splendid! Sometimes it's downright frustrating and terrifying.

Where will I be in X years?
What is in the plans for me?
Will I ever feel "caught up?"
How will I afford this class?
The list goes on and on...

I'm working on not letting it be that way though. I want it to always be splendid, I want to always be able to put my trust, my faith, my everything into God. I'm working on that too though.

"Covenant" isn't a new concept to me, but the way in which we have been talking about it at church lately is challenging me to pay more attention to it. It is incredible, actually, almost unbelievable, how much God wants us to be in covenant with him, how much he wants to provide for us, how much is ours if we simply accept it.

If we simply accept it.

If only I could make it be that simple. In theory it is easy to turn your life over to God. To stop living for yourself and trust that He has it all worked out. But, in reality, it is beyond difficult for me to let go of things. I trust God, but I don't always show that in my thoughts and actions. I think a lot of change begins with small steps. It begins when you start to change your thinking...sometimes you just have to start saying or doing things and then you eventually start to believe them and accept them.

My current step: pay attention. Notice when God provides for you so that you can turn more over to him.

The moments when I realize that God just answered a prayer I didn't even know I had, or that I didn't actually pray are some of my most treasured gifts. He knows who I am at my core, he knows my needs, my wants, my desires, and he provides for them.

Some are simple; some are not. Here are some recent ones I am thankful for:

1. I forgot my coupon and was really frustrated. When I got to the store someone had placed the exact coupon I forgot on the shelf next to what I was getting. It was silly and simple, but exactly what I needed at that moment.

2. I almost didn't go to brunch on Sunday because it wasn't really in my budget, but I really wanted to spend time with friends. Anna and I sat with a new couple from our church and got to know them as we shared the meal. I was so thankful for the time we spent together building a new relationship and was happy I decided to forget my budget and invest in others. At the end of the meal the couple bought my lunch before I could say a word.

3. I've been feeling as if there is "no time" to accomplish all I need to this week. After school I received the gift of time: a snow day tomorrow!

4. I have been dealing with a situation at work that has been taking a toll on me. After recent communications I decided that I wasn't going to let it affect me, and that I knew who I was and what I believed in. I turned it over to God. The next day I got an email from a parent that was filled with exactly what I needed to help me move past any self-doubts. After yet another communication that had the potential to break me down, my students (without knowing anything was wrong) showered me with pictures and hugs. They reminded me that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I don't believe that was an accident.

So yes, the unknown can be frustrating and terrifying, but it can also be beautiful and exciting. I'm working on always viewing it with the confidence that God is with me and that He will always provide for me if I simply put my trust in him.


"Your covenant is trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant." --2 Samuel 7:28

Doot de doo...soooo...those last 27 blogs were mind-blowing, eh? Maybe they were so good that you forgot what they were? No, you say? Ok. fine. busted.

There really isn't a good excuse for me not blogging..just as busy as always...I suppose that once I fall behind on one day it leads to the next and becomes a vicious cycle of not blogging because I feel I need to get that first skipped blog done first. (But, I don't really know what to write for that one and then I put off yet another day until...wow it's April 6th!)

The past month has been filled with a whole lotta nothing exciting with a few joyfully wonderful moments thrown in here and there...

Some highlights:
3/12: Took my students to the Boulder Dinner Theater on a field trip and was plesantly surprised to find that Bryan, or as they call him, Nishi, was working the sound! My kids were pretty impressed that I knew someone behind the scenes. :)

3/14: Went out to dinner to celebrate Matt's birthday. He still likes to try to make us think he is sooo old, but we aren't buying it...even if the only reason the theme for his 1st birthday party was dinosaurs was because they were still alive.

3/17: What kind of Irish gal would I be if I didn't make some of my traditional Irish stew and have friends over to share laughs and green wine (yes, wine) and beer? Kelly was the official beer dyer of the night and made sure no glass went without a little green additive. I tried my hand at corned beef and cabbage this year, and though it was not my favorite, it wasn't too bad! I love St. Patrick's Day! And if you were wondering-yes, that naughty O'Reily visited my classroom again this year and left a trail of green footprints and destruction throughout all of Kindergarten. Good thing I have me own wee lil' helpers to clean me room!

3/19-21: I went to party for a friend of Lindsey's in Denver and then spent the rest of the weekend house sitting in Broomfield for a coworker. Last time I house sat for her the dog was just a puppy, now she is a BIG puppy who loves to go for walks and cuddle. It was fun hanging out for the weekend and I laughed every time I took her for a walk because I always ended up seeing a student or family from school who would wave through tinted glass as they sped past. I'm told that teachers are like local celebrities to their students...they are always amazed to see that we live outside of school! (I've had several tell me I was wrong and that I do in fact live at school...I suppose they aren't too far off!)

3/22-29: Michigan! Back in December I found pretty cheap flights into Grand Rapids so my mom, Grandpa and I decided to take advantage of the deal and bought tickets for Spring Break. Obviously I love my family so very much, so I was very excited to visit! We arrived on Monday and settled in to our second home right away. I both love and hate how I feel like both Michigan and Colorado are my home...love because I love the people in both places so very much and hate because it always breaks my heart a little when I have to leave one place to go back to the other. It's such a helpless feeling knowing that the two states are so far apart and that there is nothing you can do about it! I'm still SO very thankful that I went to Western so that I had the chance to live there for the 4 and a half years that I did! I have a feeling that it is only going to get harder and harder to part ways at the end of visits as I am growing more and more attached to my newest cousins out there!

I had such a wonderful visit! It's still hard to go to my aunt and uncle's house and not see my uncle walk into the kitchen and greet me with a big hug and kiss, but his spirit is definitely still alive and his love continues to grow and blossom through my family. (Love them SO much!) Going into this trip I knew I wanted to spend as much time as possible with each kid, and that is exactly what I did.

On Tuesday, I made a surprise visit to have lunch with Kobe at his school. He saw me walking down the hall and got very excited. He introduced me to his class as "Bethy, my cousin who lives in Colorado. She is staying and my grandma's hotel." Hehe I loved that. We ate lunch in the cafeteria and then I went outside to play with him and his buddies. I could tell that I wasn't the only one who thinks he is a pretty amazing kid-he had so many friends running up to him and playing with him! His school has a pretty cool playground, but for some reason they wouldn't let them play with any balls that day, so Kobe and his friends decided to play imaginary baseball. That was just about the most precious thing I have ever seen a group of 1st graders do! They had all the bases covered, a pitcher, catcher and batters. The batter would step up to home plate, the pitcher would throw the "ball" and the batter would swing and then yell and point a-la Babe Ruth to tell the rest of the kids where he had hit the ball. Another kid in that general direction would jump up for the catch and throw it towards the closest base. The batter would then try to run towards home while the kid with the "ball" chased after him to try to tag him out. It was so cool to see the cooperation and group effort at pretending!

After hanging out with Kobe for lunch and recess Tami picked me up and we went back to my aunt's house to play with Jackson and Kaeli. Kobe joined us after school and we played until I went to guitar lessons with Jurien at 5:30. It's so amazing to see how much Jurien and Kobe have grown up! I feel so blessed that I was living in Michigan when they were both born-the process of watching them grow has been beautiful and makes me think of them more as nephews than cousins. :) They have the most amazing hearts-so proud of them and love them so so much!

On Wednesday, Jackson came over early in the morning and we played for quite a while. The imagination of a 4 year old is magical and reminds me of how much fun it is to be a kid. Jackson made up a game where he would poke me with a "shot" and shout out if it was a cold shot, hot shot, regular shot, better shot, or hurt shot. He usually gave me a cold shot first which meant that I would chatter my teeth and shake until he gave me a hot shot-which would make me instantly jump around trying to avoid the burning floor or bed. We giggled for about 45 minutes playing this game. (I know this doesn't sound like a joyfully wonderful moment to some of you, but to me, there could be no better way to spend a morning). We soon turned into our beloved and departed dogs Murf and Jessie and pretended we were playing up in Heaven. We visited 'Boppa' and Aunt Wendy and all the other people and pets we love and miss so dearly. We were happy to discover that they were all very well and happy to be celebrating in Heaven with God. (Who, by the way, has a beard and shoes like Moses, only His are blue, not brown).

Once "Aunt Ciny" and grandma interrupted our playtime we switched to playing trains and then transformers. Jackson and I tried to explain the story of Transformers (the movie) to my aunt, but she just couldn't quite get it all, so Jackson made sure to tell her every detail...this somehow led to making Bon Jovi music videos...

That afternoon I drove over to Jurien's school and surprised him in his classroom. His teacher seems really great and it was fun to see him in his school setting as well (I CAN'T BELIEVE HE IS IN 2ND GRADE!) I went to PE with his class and watched as they all attempted to play dance-dance revolution...pretty funny sight. After PE we went back to class for some reading and math time. They were working on writing story problems. Jurien's problem for 12-5 was: Jackson had 12 cookies, I took 5. How many were left? Hehe...yep that sounds about right. I took him to my aunt's house after school and all the kids played up until dinner.

I made plans with Ashleigh on Wednesday night, so I borrowed the truck and drove up to Grand Rapids for dinner at the Gage's house. I had so much fun just hanging out with Ashleigh and Nathan and was surprised by how normal it felt. I kinda forget that I had only really met Nathan when I came out for their wedding reception last May! I'm so glad that so much time can pass between visits and yet Ashleigh and I can still carry on as if we had seen each other just the other day. I value her friendship so much and am so thankful for all the fun memories we have together! Yet another reason why leaving Michigan can be so hard! (Btw- Nathan got a new Camero and took us out for a ride-that is one sweet car! He pulled out of their street and it felt like a roller coaster as we hit 80 in like one second...okay maybe a few more, but it felt like one!)

On Thursday it was Kaeli's turn for a little 1:1 time! She got all dressed up and came over with her leopard print purse to take me out to coffee. We took her mom's mini (at her insistance) to Barnes and Noble, where we sat and drank coffee (hot chocolate). After finishing our drinks we wandered over to the children's books at picked out a few to read. We spent a good hour or two browsing and reading and then finally settled on a book that I could buy each kid. After coffee and books we headed over to the mall for lunch. We sat by the carousel in the food court and discussed which animals we liked best-her's was the gorilla on that particular afternoon. After lunch we decided to surprise Kobe and go pick him up from school. It's amazing to think that I have only been around Kaeli for a total of about 4 weeks! That made our day together all the more precious and perfect! When it comes to my family I fall fast and hard! :) Kobe, Kaeli and I made our way back to their house and I ended up spending the rest of the evening and the night with them. We watched a movie and laughed as Kynzie went totally crazy and got hyper right before bed. Kobe fell asleep on the couch with me which reminded me of all the Tuesdays I spent watching him when he was a baby. I ended up sleeping with Kaeli in her room and found myself waking up several times during the night to her either kicking me or cuddling into me. Yet another day filled with a hundred joyfully wonderful moments that I would not trade for the world!

Friday was the start of Kobe's Spring Break, so my aunt, Tami, all the kids (except Jurien-he still had school), my mom and I all went to the park. We played on a huge playground and then went off on an adventure to explore drainpipes and the echos that can be heard through them. After a few hours of play we returned to my aunt's house for some cookies and more play. After dinner we went out to Heidi and Ben's house for a campfire and dessert. Jackson had asked me to spend the night months in advance, so I spent the night at his house on Friday. Ben had a poker game out in the barn, so Jurien spent most of the night off with the boys while Heidi, Jackson and I cozied up in bed to watch some Scoobie Doo. (Btw- why are there laugh tracks in a cartoon? Is is supposed to be preformed before a live studio audience?) :) I found myself once again waking up several times during the night to either kicks or covers being thrown off me. (Jackson gets hot when he sleeps so he kicks the covers off). Eventually he sleep-walked? into his parents room and stayed the rest of the night with them. In the morning Jackson and I played inside while Jurien explored outside and helped their neighbor Bob with chores. It was another great day spent with Jackson and Jurien.

Saturday night Heidi, Tami and I got to spend some alone time together while my mom and aunt took the kids to a movie and Ben took my Grandpa to dinner (Kyle had to work). When the girls came out to Colorado in August for Grandpa's 90th birthday we had a chance to go shopping and to dinner together and had so much fun that we wanted to do it again. I love getting a chance to spend time with my cousins without the kids just as much as I love spending time with them with the kids! It's so much fun to have this new "grownup" relationship with my cousins. I have ALWAYS looked up to and admired them! I can remember being little and wanting to try things just because Heidi and Tami, my cool older cousins did it. (Probably the only reason I decided to try soccer!) It's funny how they seemed like they were so much older than me when I was younger. Now it doesn't seem like we are that far apart in our ages. I love this new phase of our relationship! It's great to be a friend and not just a little cousin anymore. (Yet another reason why I am so thankful that I went to WMU- provided me with an opportunity to get to know them as an adult and not just a kid!) We went shopping and then to sushi and laughed a lot (much like we were still kids). Those joyfully wonderful moments were just as precious to me as the ones spent with their kids.

Sunday morning we went to church with my aunt and then to Kobe's soccer games. The whole family came over for dinner and we spent one last night together. Just sitting in a room with all of them fills my heart with so much joy and love. Sometimes it is all I can do to keep from bursting out in song...ok, well maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration, but I definitely have a perma-smile on my face. :)

Monday was the dreaded departure day. Spent the morning watching my mom and aunt cut out patterns and material for my aunt to make the girls some dresses. We headed to Grand Rapids around 1:00 with a heavy heart and boarded our plane around 6:20. It's always so hard to say goodbye, but this time it was even harder. My Uncle's Birthday was two days later and I wanted nothing more then to stay there...I only hope that all the fun we had and the happiness it brought filled my aunt's house all week long so that she would be reminded of how much love and laughter has been shared because of the two of them.

After a very long delay for our connecting flight, I made it home at about 2am with the usual torn heart I get when I leave Michigan. I suppose it is only natural after all, when you have two homes, your heart is always going to be in two places. :)

Powered by the week full of joyfully wonderful moments I made it through moving back into my classroom that they remodeled while I was gone, and through Easter- which was spent with my family at Grandpa's, and up to today.


I won't lie, I get teary-eyed and sad when I think about how hard it is to be so far from loved ones. But I am also thankful, because I know that my tears are only a sign that I live a blessed life that is filled with amazing people that bring me so much love and joy. And that makes all the moments of love and happiness all the more joyful and wonderful and precious.

March 2-5

It seems that this "daily blog" might be turning into a weekly blog. Ah well...I suppose I should be happy with the fact that I am at least doing that!

What a busy and wonderful week it was! I guess there was a lot that happened, because I can't even remember what went on on Tuesday and Wednesday...I know I had something after work both nights, but it escapes me for the time being.

Thursday began the Hannah and Simon wedding weekend festivities! After school I had a diversity book club meeting but had to leave early to head to Hannah's Bridal Shower. The shower was hosted by her family friend in a beautiful house overlooking Boulder Valley. The food was delicious and the company was very fun and entertaining! It was nice to be able to meet Simon's mom and sisters as well as some of the other Brits who were in town for the wedding. I always like when I have the opportunity to meet some of the wedding guests before the big day- it makes it all the more fun when you know more people! It was a late evening, but a lot of fun. Perhaps someday Kelly will allow me to share a rather hilarious story she shared with me that night... For the time being, just know that I probably laughed the hardest I have in a long time and grew to love our friendship all the more. :)

Hannah and her new sisters!

Friday was Hannah's Bachelorette Party (or as they say it in England, her 'Hen Do')! The plan was to go to Cinzetti's in Thornton at 6pm and then head to Denver for a night on the town. Since the restaurant is on my way home I decided to stay later at school and go straight there. (Since they are remodeling part of my classroom over Spring Break I have to pack up pretty much my entire room. I used the few hours between the end of school and dinner to pack up some things and start taking things off the walls...it's looking kind of sad in there now.)

Kelly and I got to Cinzetti's around 6:00 and waited for our party of 20 to arrive. Apparently there was some mix-ups on transportation (not all the out-of-towners had cars) and bad traffic because most of the party didn't show up until closer to 7:00. When everyone did arrive we wasted no time celebrating the bride-to-be! We ate a big, yummy meal and then around 9:00 headed to Denver. We went to Sing Sing first (after a parking garage adventure filled with lots of u-turns and laughter) and then headed to Fado's after that. Danny, Hannah's brother, created a bunch of dares that we were given to pass out to Hannah throughout the night. We had fun bombarding her with silly, and sometimes embarrassing tasks to complete. She was such a great sport and completed almost every one--including one where she had to call her dad and tell him she was pregnant. :) (I don't think there was any way he would have ever believed it was true considering all the laughter in the background). After a while we decided to walk over to the Tavern for some dancing. On the way there Hannah somehow managed to break off her heel and Kelly ended up trading her shoes and walking in the broken heels for the rest of the night-what a bridesmaid! As we were walking through the bar area of the Tavern to find a table I heard a male British accent and turned to find Simon and all the boys! We accidentally ran into the Bachelor party! Even though we weren't supposed to see them I was glad we did because I hadn't had a chance to see Simon yet. It was fun to get to know the British boys as well...they are an alright group. (I keep hearing 'you alright?' in their British accents...it was said quite often).

Danny got the Bachelorette party back on track after he finally rounded up all the boys and kicked them out. (Apparently this is how it went down: Hannah to Danny, "Make them leave!" Danny to best man, "You guys gotta leave" Best man, "Alright." 10 minutes later...boys still there. Danny to boys, "You guys gotta leave!" Boys, "But we were here first." Girls, "But we are girls so we get to stay, boys have to leave." Danny to Hannah, "Ok, say goodbye to Simon." Hannah, "But why does he have to leave? But I love him!"--poor Danny). We ended the night out with more dares that somehow morphed into Hannah introducing me to single boys...hum I don't think that is what the card said to do. :) At 2am the lights came on and the bouncers ushered us out into the chaos that is the streets of LoDo at closing time. We somehow managed to keep all the Brits contained and even found some leftover boys from the Bachelor party. The few of us who were sober enough to try to organize transportation home headed to the cars and after some great confusion and cramming of people into cars succeeded in getting everyone where they were supposed to be (with a few detours to 'use the toilet'). It was another great night filled with laughter and confusion. :)