From friends to strangers with memories.

It's sad, isn't it?

Christmas.

So fucking torn between going for the meet-up, and how things would turn out if I go.

If everything was really about the money, the world would be perfect.

Like what jh said, when someone asks you how much is your friendship worth, it probably isn't worth anything anymore. You don't weigh relationships using monetary values cause that's something money can't buy.

Seriously, stop being ridiculous.

I'm sorry I forgot we're supposed to be superheroes, endlessly devoting our time to the orchestra, unconditionally sacrificing other aspects of our lives without feeling a tinge of fatigue. Right, I'm sorry I forgot we aren't suppose to be humans. I'm sorry I forgot we aren't suppose to have a life outside. I'm sorry I forgot we are suppose to take charge for every single shit with regards to the orchestra. And of course, I'm sorry I forgot that to you, "committee" is just another random word that doesn't mean a thing.

Cui.

I'm so depressed now I need to emo.
Kay bye.

我希望记忆永远都不会再被删除，就算我会应此而痛苦一辈子。

Just spent some time reading the older blogs and posts. I still hold what I say, if you remember. And all the things I told you earlier this year. The best thing about me, was you. Maybe not anymore, but you are partly the reason who, and where I am today, and I'm grateful for that.

Looking at how much you've achieved to date, I just wanna tell you how proud I am of you (: How proud I am to be your friend. You're still as impressive as you were when I fell for you, never failing to amaze me, never failing to put a smile on my face. Thank you.

Where are you?

Having this post pa syndrome now. As always. Sitting here wishing I was busy again so I don't have to worry about you.

So anyway, concert went...fine. Not exactly a good job done, but oh wells. Its a lesson learnt, and i believe the next one will be better (sigh, i can only hope). Feeling demoralised about everything, very disappointed with some people. Responsibility, respect and integrity. Grow up people.

The long talks I had with jh during camp weren't exactly inspiring, but the things he mentioned resides in the back of my mind, and I have been constantly thinking about them occasionally (actually, maybe too frequently) these few days. Not encouraging, but it's the cold hard truth. It's things we don't want to admit, but deep down, we all know it. And I'm not even talking about the orchestra.

Conflicted.

I don't exactly know why I'm feeling the way I am right now.
It's weird. Crap.

9 days to go.

Can so shag one meh. 2am, I haven packed at all for camp. Ohgosh.

"What if your life is just someone else's dream?"

"Take some time to think about things. The past is gone, so it doesn't exist. The future hasn't happened, so it doesn't exist. The present don't exist, because, as soon as you talk about it, it's already in the past. So, what does exist?"

- Hector And The Search For Lost Time

4 hours left.

Time check: 5:22am.

1 argument done. Im screwed.

Academic Writing.

Time check: 10:40pm
Shall get this shit done by 6am and GO HOMEEEEEE.

I am already missing my bed.

I'll be a happier person by 10am tomorrow.

The last 3 days.

School's a fucking tortureeeeeee.
Gonna stay overnight in school tomorrow just to finish this stupid research paper.

On a second thought, I'm so glad I've got you (:
(Although you can be such a pain in the ass sometimes, for constantly pushing me and agitating me.)
But thanks.

Time check 4:05am. Gonna go back to my dear research paper.

Love makes people feel unhappy too.

There are just some times when we try so hard to love someone else, and it gets too tiring. Eventually, we stop trying altogether. But I guess that doesn't mean that we stopped loving.

Fucking frustrated.

3 days to submission. Im still fucking lost. Fuck the research paper.

When the days pass so fast.

And the idea about school, is just so scary that it makes you wanna cry.

I just have to tell myself.

I will get through this fucking shit.

My kinda miserable birthday turned awesome.

Day started out really bad cause I was almost late for school and I had only 3 hours of sleep. Which means 6 hours of sleep in more than 48 hours. So after presentation and quiz, I was feeling pretty much damn shag and wanted to skip afternoon class, but decided not to in order to keep sihui company. So I just knocked out on the table after lunch, the perks of 3 hours 45 mins breaks. Unglam much but i just couldnt be bothered.

Went for TWC, and it was very much miserable and boring too. Until break came, and huimin became one of the sweetest person of the day. Becoming a stalker, running across half the school just to deliver a cake to me during my lesson's break.

After class, met m, and left school for dinner. I was pretty much lost as he refused to tell me where we're heading to. And the restaurant he made a reservation at, was wow. But I almost murdered him. And the day ended off quite well (:

Surprises, surprises (':

My 21st.

This has got to be the most miserable birthday ever. FML.

Whenever I feel dejected. ♥

When its 3.30 in the morning and there's still so much to do, i look at this and automatically feel better (':
So excited to see everyone this sat. Well, except chow, who's on vacation in tekong! We'll miss you (:

Le sigh.

The urge to cancel the party. Yet knowing I cant. Damn.

An unexplainable kind of love.

I think it's possible to love someone to the moon and back.
But he'll never know.

One of those moodless nights.

Everyone just have to come piss me off altogether.

♥

You know, I know (: 

These freaking-hilarious-stupid convos never fail to put a smile on my face (': Thanks gf ♥

Time.

Its ironic how we always say we should have a class gathering soon with everyone present, and we just kept dragging it. But the first time in years everyone was present, was at the wake of one of us. It's sad to think this will be the first, the last and only time we'll all be together.

Dear Larry, I know we have never been close friends in jc although we were classmates. But thanks for always making me feel better in smu by always stopping to say hi, and having small chats. Made me feel less "friendless" in the huge school. It is hard to believe that you left us just like that, too early, too young, with a future so bright. None of us knew what exactly happened, but we believe you're definitely at a better place now.

I never had someone who came so close, and left too suddenly. You'll be missed, definitely. Rest in Peace Larry.

And again.

One of those nights, when I have to try so fucking hard not to cry. Alright, I'll just have to wipe the tears away before they come rolling down.

What doesn't kills you makes you stronger.
Its just fucking school. Gosh. I'm such a loser.

Pain is temporary. GPA is forever.

Mindfucking myself with that everyday so I don't break down.
4 years is a pretty short time compared to the next few decades.
I can do it. Fucking miserable life until december, then until summer comes.

When he asked me, "How much do you want it?" I realised, pretty much pretty badly. I don't have an alternative way out.

Pain is temporary. GPA is forever.
Right, back to mugging. Bye.

Things would be much simpler if only...

Now I'm stucked here thinking what to do.

What's right, what's wrong.

Stuck in reverse.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone and it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

SO ADORABLEEEEE!

My heart just melted.

Start of recess week.

Its 1:33am. And i'm sitting on my bed. I AM SITTING ON MY BED (: OMG. ON MY BED! I honestly think the last time i'm able to sit/lie on my bed at this time was like...week 1 of school. Normally at this time, I will be studying my ass off, or doing homework. But okay I think I slept less than 20 hours altogether this entire week. FML, but i shall nua now. Shall study tomorrow after I get my sleep! (:

I hate school.

After finally submitting my literature review for my research paper 30 mins ago, I WAS SO HAPPY, for like 2 mins. Then reality sets back in when I realised the crazy workload I have for recess week. It's suppose to be RECESS WEEK. F. Now, I'm starting to get real depressed.

Its 4.30 in the morning, i'm sitting here worrying about school. Planning what to do each day during recess week so I can finish the shit. Was so tired from the deprivation of sleep all week. Thought I could finally sleep in peace. How to fall asleep now? Shit balls. Sigh.

):

Nothing's more depressing than a bad result.

The OMFG moment.

When after 9 months of using my phone, I realised a cool shit thing it can do. Took me long enough, wow.

Im so drowning in school work. Sometimes, you just study until you wanna cry cause it's just too much shit. And all the assignments and quizzes that weigh so little yet affects everything. And the worse part about smu, class participation. I'm so screwed this sem. I haven spoke up at all. Fuck. I hate class part, shit balls.

I can't remember the last time I slept in peace.

Why.

MR posted this on instagram. Exactly.

"I don't understand how someone can just go from person to person. I don't understand how someone can drop their feelings just like that, how they can be dating someone one day and then two days later be going after someone else. I don't understand it. It takes me a very long time to get over someone and fall for another one. So, I guess, this is just something I can't understand. How feelings can be so fragile, how commitment can be so meaningless that there's really nothing invested. How, if someone wanted to just pack everything and head off somewhere else, to someone else, they could because everything they "had" was completely meaningless. How am I supposed to believe those feelings was real? How can someone try to tell me that it's the same as what I've felt, things that have taken me months to get over?"

Sigh.

The prof better not be wrong.

Sibeh dulan now. I just spent the past 40 minutes staring at the exercise my prof gave out as homework. And the examples he give, and what is stated in the textbook, and what is commonsense, DONT MAKE ANY SENSE. I read the instructions to the exercise at least 15 times to make sure I didn't understand anything wrongly. BUT THE STUPID EXAMPLE CONTRADICTS THE QUESTIONS. And I gave up. Shall email him tomorrow. I rather it be me being stupid and not understanding what he wants, than him having typos (which he always does) which end up causing me 40 minutes of my already-insufficient time.

40 minutes, I could have finished like, say, 6 pages of my pol science readings. ARGH.

Bloody instincts.

I always had a hunch about it. It was like this very strong instinct that cannot be proven cause there's no evidence. And I always thought i was just thinking too much because it doesn't seem very much possible. But today, right before I left home for project meeting, I was finally able to put the pieces together. It was a "wow, so i was right about it this whole time", and a "fuck, i fucking knew it. fuck it" moment. Thanks to it, I am so fucking affected the entire day. Yes, it doesn't matter anymore. You're no where near the word, 'worthy'. But please. I don't wanna ever see you again in my life. And another you, I pray that I won't ever bump into you in school. God damn it, please hor.

I think I have every right to be angry with you. And the unexplainable sense of betrayal.

Whoever's reading this, don't ask me about this. Tyvm.

Buzz.

The weekend came, and flew away.

And I've yet to have time to even on my macbook to configure.

Almost 2 in the morning, There are a million things not done.

Ahhhhh.

Lesson no. 19: The sun and the sea make everyone happy.

Lesson no. 20: Happiness is a certain way of seeing things.

Lesson no. 21: Rivalry poisons happiness.

Lesson no. 22: Women care more about men about making others happy.

Lesson no. 23: Happiness means making sure those around you are happy?

Yea, there's no 18.

For I am blessed.

The realization of the immense amount of love in my heart. Towards the few special ones whom I love so dearly. It doesn't matter what kind of love it is. I'm thankful I have these people in my life who are so love-worthy. Haha.

所谓人生如戏 唱聚散和分离
有多少人能唱进你心里
我们都应该庆幸有人住在心里
有牵挂其实是一种福气

Lesson no. 15: Happiness comes when you truly feel alive.

Lesson no. 16: Happiness is knowing how to celebrate.

Lesson no. 17: Happiness is caring about the happiness of those you love.

Happy birthday anan! ♥

Happens to be the 100th blog post! Woots!

Anyway anan, I could probably write a whole essay about how I feel towards you. But I just hope you understand I really love you like a hell lot although we always have our stupid fights. Okay, I need to go finish my essay which is due tomorrow now. STOP NOT REPLYING MY MESSAGES HOR ):

Anyway gf, your cupcakes really tasted good! REALLY! From deep down bottom of my heart (: ZHEN DE LA!

Today was a awesome day. Somehow.

And by 'awesome', i meant not-exactly-awesome-awesome, but it wasn't miserable!

Met up with gf for lunch at KFP and discussed about pa, and talk cocked much. Thank god we always make all these work fun, if not...ya. 有你真好, as much as you ALWAYS, without fail, agitate me by your relaxed lifestyle, watching tv, baking, cooking, reading, and whatever ): but yeah asnl!

Was feeling quite very miserable when I had to leave for the lesson which i dread the most. Was complaining to gf about how it's like some essay writing module, crafting good arguments and thesis. BUT, today's class turned out so fun! Had group discussions where we ended up talking rubbish. Then the guys were explaining to me how operations for sex change goes, and they had to be so freaking explicit about it. And because i was the only girl in the group, they started talking about all the sick stuff. And when i ask questions, none of them wanted to explain to me. And when its time for us to present, we had nothing on our paper so we just anyhow bombed, yet our presentation ended up, not bad! But I just sat through the entire class laughing and laughing away.

Met Sean after school for dinner, and we just sat there talking rubbish too. Well, he did all the talking while i was eating. Been years since we had a meal together, just the both of us. We were probably 14 the other time we sat at that same coffee shop, having lunch before going to school together. Oh mannnn, all grown up now.

And the things we talk about now are so different from the last time we had a proper talk. His pilot plans, his future money-making plans and of course, all his clubbing nonsense, which is ridiculously interesting and funny.

All time favourite boy ♥

Yeah, freaking good mood today, after 4 weeks of school. But the thought of completing my essay tonight, is haunting me. Sigh, kbye.

Barely afloat.

Keep looking up. Just so the tears don't roll down.

F.

So bloody tired.

So little time.

So much things to do.

Identify and describe a technology/innovation that has been important for the emancipation of women. #godblessme

People are kinder to a child who smiles.

Lesson no. 13: Happiness is feeling useful to others.

Lesson no. 14: Happiness is to be loved for exactly who you are.

Praying that today will go fine.

Hoping that she'll be genuinely surprised.

Taking lessons in unhappiness.

Lesson no. 9: Happiness is knowing your family lacks for nothing.

Lesson no. 10: Happiness is doing a job you love.

Lesson no. 11: Happiness is having a home and a garden of your own.

Lesson no. 12: Its harder to be happy in a country run by bad people.

We both know time will further the distant. What should I do?

Lesson no. 7: It's a mistake to think that happiness is the goal

Lesson no. 8: Happiness is being with the people you love.

Lesson no. 8b: Unhappiness is being separated from the people you love.

Back to mugging.

Looking forward to next summer.

I swear I've clocked at least 24 hours of studying this week (excluding the time I'm in school).

Seriously, its only week 2.

Lesson no. 6: Happiness is a long walk in the mountains.

Good night world.

34 hours into not sleeping. Falling asleep everywhere.

The old monk said, 'The basic mistake people make is to think that happiness is the goal!' And he began to laugh.

Reflecting.

Lesson no. 3: Many people see happiness only in their future.

Lesson no. 4: Many people think that happiness comes from having more power or money.

Lesson no. 5: Sometimes happiness is not knowing the whole story.

Rushed.

On the train gonna meet Lydia for lunch before class and I suddenly remember something dumb I did this morning. I think I dreamt of zebras last night and god knows what about them. But anyway, I woke up subconsciously, took my phone and started googling on whether zebras were black with white stripes, or white with black stripes. I even read a wiki entry about it. Then I fell back asleep. I only got reminded of this when I just opened my phone's browser and saw the wiki page about zebras. Like wth was I dreaming about man.

Okay, this is really random.

Anyway, saw this on instagram:
You can run from your mistake, but not from your regret.
You can play with your drama, but not with your karma.

Happiness.

Amidst school, sleep, dramas, and the crazy amount of time spent studying, I managed to start on a new book I just bought - Hector And The Search For Happiness! Was so unhappy previously that I had the urge to just get the book. Plus, the book's so cute and pretty (okay, i'm superficial).

Very short chapters, very interesting way of presenting what happiness is about.

Lesson no. 1: Making comparisons can spoil your happiness.

Lesson no. 2: Happiness often comes when least expected.

The kind of unhappiness that you yourself don't understand.

When I go for my runs regularly.

When I fall asleep with the videos running.

When I take extremely long walks alone.

When all I wanna do is fall asleep, which is also the hardest thing to do.

This horrible feeling about school starting tomorrow ):

Okay, gotta go do elearning now. Kbye.

Another trip to SCH.

Went for Mr Law Wai Lun's concert, and it was one of the most enjoyable concert I've watched this year! Didnt regret the impromptu decision to go watch it (:

And today marks the day I fell in love with the erhu. Never got impressed enough to love the instrument, but Zhao Jian Hua played it till my hair stood up. For the first time ever, like EVERRRR, i couldn't get enough of the music (and his solo parts).

And of course, I keep getting to see ___ . HAHA.

Proven.

Retail therapy: Ineffective

Tumblr therapy: Effective

Thank god you blew it, thank god I dodge the bullet.

Cause honestly, you turned out to be the best thing I never had.

And just for laughs, America's Olympic swimming team is so cute omg!

Too quickly.

Exactly one week ago, I thought I had it.

♥

Thanks for everything. I admit I was on the verge of crying the entire day, or should I say, the past few days. But you guys (including haosheng and keif) made everything better.

As much as you guys always annoy the freaking hell out of me, it's really nice when when I feel the concern from all of you. All the hugs, all the pats on my back and head, all the "aiya, don't sad la", all the "you'll be fine", and of course, all the lame/retarded attempts to make me laugh ♥

What else can I say, thanks (':

Struggling.

Is it me, or does beautiful skies on a sad day makes one's day harder to get pass?

The constant sad feeling that doesn't go away.

Its so tiring to spend an entire day being so fucking sad. Maybe I should just go to sleep again, although i have only been fully awake for 7 hours. I have no idea. What am I still waiting for. Are you even worth it. Cause i really don't understand what the hell do you really want.

So bloody frustrated. Gosh. Okay, you won't read this.

Can so sad one meh.

Horrible week.

The only thing that went right was ending of my job contract.

Maybe, we're just not the right one for each other.

A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can't go anywhere until you change it.

We always get our expectations high up. Then we'll fall right through it, all the way down. Ouch.

Unsure.

Im not sure if it's you.

If uncertainty is present, does that mean a no?

I'm not doubting you. I'm doubting myself.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm wasting your time. I thought I was ready after letting go of the past, but apparently, not ready enough. Issues I still can't get over.

On another note, anan, I miss you.

All I could do, was apologize.

When so many things suddenly fall through the crack, into the light, we all realized that this was accumulated resentment. And there's nothing I can say when it's all aimed at you. As much as I would like to back you up, I can't.

This is seriously stuck inside my head.

While it lasts.

I mentioned this before, I remembered you being the first person in my mind when I saw the smu offer because I've told you so much about my interview. There was an impulse to tell you about the offer but it would seemed weird if i just texted you out of the blue. And I thought you might have already forgotten about what I told you. But when your name flashed across my phone last night, honestly, I was really pleasantly surprised. I never expected to see your name flashing across my phone ever since concert ended.

Whatever it is, it was nice of you to ask.

Okay, not like you're going to ever see this anyway. Hah.

Things we take for granted.

Thinking we still had all the time in the world, until the last goodbye.

People who love you, until they give up on loving you.

There was so much on my mind, so much I wanted to ask, but couldn't bring myself to. But honestly, I missed you. But, too bad for me. My fault.

Anyway, TGIF. It has been months since I needed this.

On another point, I know I'm taking this for granted too. But I really really really dread the start of uni. And those camps. Sigh.

):

While I was away, I missed the people I'm not supposed to. The two I never thought I would.

I admit.

I was disappointed. To a certain extent. Still.

Anyway, the 'Drumming from East to West' concert was good. Evelyn Glennie's skills are insanely awesome. It was a tad too contemporary for me, but the percussion parts were interesting. And when it's the china guy's turn, I really tried paying attention, but my mind keeps wandering off (okay, yes weisheng and yinchow, i admit i was stoning).

How do you differentiate between being sad and being tired?

一個人不可能 不可能有多快樂我承認

一個人我在沮喪 一個人走在路上

淚流下那么荒唐 分手當初是我在逞強

一個人對誰囂張 一個人為誰而忙

我懂了你沒反抗 是因為我不夠堅強

只是我一個人 一個人不可能 不可能有多快樂我承認

從前是兩個人 兩個人多認真 一年后卻像兩個陌生人

只是我一個人 一個人不可能 不可能有多快樂我承認

想回到兩個人 認真的兩個人

一個人沒有方向 一個人悶得發慌

誰懂得我的瘋狂 誰會一直在我的身旁

一個人該怎么樣 一個人一個人唱

天冷了你還好嗎 明天是不是會晴朗

只是我一個人 一個人不可能 不可能有多快樂我承認

從前是兩個人 兩個人多認真 一年后卻像兩個陌生人

只是我一個人 一個人不可能 不可能有多快樂我承認

想回到兩個人 認真的兩個人

一個人 一個人不可能 不可能有多快樂多溫熱

再習慣一個人 一個人再認真 認真也不能讓幸福成真

一個人一個人不可能 不可能有兩個人的靈魂

等待另一個人 愛的另一個人

Life as it is.

That day when kor and I were talking about uni, he suddenly mentioned that he asked his smu friends to tell him more about smu so he could tell me. It was such a simple gesture but...you know (: And then there he was telling me about smu and that I should just go ahead and accept the offer. Then when I mentioned that if i was to I change my mind after accepting, I may have to pay 2000 bucks or so. And he said, "What is 2000 dollars compared to your future? I will pay for it if I have to."

And then there was the "omg-i-love-my-brother" inside me! <3 Love die him. Sidetracking, I really hope he marries this girlfriend, just stop changing ar.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot these few days, and I think I'm really blessed. Been reading some forums and talking to friends, think I'm really lucky to have been called up for uni interviews, and have done well enough to get offered for those I attended. I honestly don't think I did exceptionally well for the interviews but wow, im surprised. Maybe it isn't everything I wanted, but it's enough.

A few years back, I felt like a total failure when I decided to drop-out of jc. I hated it there, but having to explain to tons of people why I wanted to drop out was a painful affair. For awhile, no, maybe a longgggg while, talks about jc and a'levels still upsets me to a certain point. I think I've probably only told one person ever, how I felt. Still, it took me 2 years to snap out of the constant 'failure-mentality'. It was depressing and tiring.

Looking back on whatever happened, it was a hellish period with all the shit happening to my family, losing people I love within a short time. At that point of time, I have no idea how to move on, I was so afraid of what the future holds. But mummy always tells me, "Whatever happens, there must be a reason why you're there. Maybe someday, where you are right now is going to lead you to something great. There will be something for you at the end, as long as you don't give up."

Sometimes I wonder why things happen. I learn to count my blessings and be thankful. Truthfully, I think I've been given more than I deserved in some ways.

This is such a nonsense post. Can't believe I just rambled on for so long. Okay bye.

P.S. Anan, this is the one. It's happening to me now. STOP SAYING YOU DON'T WANNA GO JURONG ISLAND FOR INTERN. Haha!

GUMPERSON'S LAW

The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

Anger.

Saw somethings that made me felt so hurt yesterday. And for awhile, i wanted to stop playing nice. Then today, on the way to pa, I realised it has became an instinct to be nice. Making sure no one's left out kind of ended up like an instinct and not a decision. Maybe that's what it feels to just forgive and believing that they had a reason for doing and saying certain things. And that they had no intentions whatsoever of hurting another person.

I don't understand.

All thats left, was hurt.

It all boils down to the feeling of unimportance and that sufficient amount of jealousy, when people say negative things, and habour negative thoughts about the people they're supposed to love. Supposed to.

Im not mad, not even pissed. Not finding faults with anyone. Because no one knows what the other is going through. But I don't know how to make things right. How to make everyone feel better. Make myself feel better. Less hurt.

What you see isn't what you think it is.

via (leilockheart)

Saw this on tumblr, and its so true. Everyone's going through shit that no one else knows about. So be kind.

P.S. gf, I got give credits kay!

gosh

Hi. When I say I don't answer questions about anything written here. I meant it.

Sometimes you're so childish, it drives me nuts. Then in the next 5 seconds, I decide not to waste my energy on trying to make you understand.

Peace.

I doubt you remember.

It's perplexing how you're the first person(other than my parents) on my mind when I saw the SMU admission offer. Sigh.

Just spent the past 3 hours chatting with my brother, and it felt so good! Spoke about where I should go, what I want in life. And then as usual, we plunge into the psychology talk for like 2 hours, mostly about identity, self-doubt, happiness boiling down to consumerism, which was so enriching. Love it that kor and I have common interests, and we can be on the same page!

On another note, I told kor how 3 years ago, everyone was so against me leaving jc, and it was so hard believing in something everyone else didn't. He's glad I did. I'm glad too. Highly doubt I will be where I am today if I didnt.

From someone's fb status.

"Just because we don't talk doesn't mean I don't think about you. I'm just trying to distance myself from you because I know I can't have you."

I know.

Hi. I miss you. Okay bye.

Faked.

At that moment, you realized just how pathetic you are. Building that whole wall full of ego just so you can pretend that nothing ever hurts you, when all the while, your heart's just bleeding. How you are so afraid of the world, you have no idea yourself. Maybe because humans aren't very nice creatures sometimes.

Misunderstood.

I was young and stupid. I made mistakes because of my bad decisions. But its so unfair. They chose to barge into my life and make things complicated when I was at my most vulnerable point in life. Its not fair they get to say things that's not true and I don't get to redeem myself. Its not fair that they judge without knowing, without understanding. Its not fair that they aren't gonna forget. And its not fair that's how they judge me every time they see me.

And I know, whatever I say isn't gonna help. Because I've kept mum about it for so long, and no one is gonna give a damn to my side of the story anyway.

I feel maligned. Its everything I wished never happened.

So wronged. So. Fucking. Unfair.

What if.

I asked mummy what will happen. She told me not to be afraid because there's a reason why I am to take whichever path leads me to. But I don't think I am ready to give up my ambitions just yet. And I can't help but feel so scared.

I did work hard for it. Maybe, just not enough.

Note to self: Stop being so vulnerable.

Because its far easier to say, "I'm tired", instead of having to explain why I'm sad.

Looking back.

Hate my teeth. I need braces again ): And I miss my long hair.

宽恕

超越伤痛的唯一方法就是原谅伤害你的人.

When it takes an extra effort to smile.

Too often, we forget how to tell the truth.

Too often, we hurt the people we promised never to.

Too often, we're so caught up with ourselves, we forgot about those who love us.

Too often, when hurt runs too deep, apologies don't, and won't change anything.

It takes effort to pretend it doesn't affect me at all. When all along, it never left my mind.

its a love-hate thing.

I've got this feeling you're gonna do something utterly stupid one day. And its something i can't forgive you for. You don't say things about me to someone else, then realise its not true, then tell me, "you go tell him lor."

I hope that day doesn't come. And grow up. Sigh. You're so disappointing.

At that moment, our hearts are closest to one another.

Amazing night. So much laughter, so much love.
Priceless epic moments; like when anan asks, "Eh, how come everyone's wearing blue ar?" And the rest just stares at him.
Like wanlin said, "I hope the night wont end".

Can't remember when was the last time it was only us 7.
Can't remember how or when "we" started out.
But that doesn't really matters after all.
♥

不是我要的.

I'm sure I woke up smiling this morning.

And then reality hits me.

Ouch.

I know.

And that's the worse part. Because I know.

Of course.

Yes, I will miss you. No, I already missing you. Lying in bed every night thinking about everything we ever had. But i know holding on would be very unfair to you. Sorry for everything. And thanks for the memories (:

Every girl needs a gay bestfriend (:

"I can never get your drawing. You are like the worse one among all my friends on draw something. Your drawing sucks."

"Huh. But the one I drew for you was one of my masterpieces."

HAHA! I swear I could imagine your sad face when you said that over the phone (:

Love die you. And im just kidding about the title of this post!

I told you so.

I have got enough sad things to worry about. And then, there came the phone call from her. When I heard what happened to you, my heart broke. Was so fucking worried about you. Then i remembered concert's in 2 days. I really dont know what to say and i had to stop myself from telling you, "I told you so."

Gosh, you have no idea how worried i was. Please get fucking better.

The good and the bad.

It will all end in 7 days.

Sigh.

Receive the sms.

Thought things are so awesome.

Check again.

It's something I don't really want.

Disappointed.

Why like that ):

Wow.

Honestly, I'm impressed. Like very.

And on a second thought, honoured.

Random fact.

I hate it when my plans are spoiled.

I am not blaming you or whatsoever. But it frustrates me that I cancel and reject plans with 2 different groups of people, and our plans just goes poof.

We grew up, and grew apart.

And then our differences. And I know it wasn't like before anymore. Yes, it upsets me a whole lot. The whole night. I knew it will happen someday, somehow. But I selfishly wished things were still the same. Its stupid. Fine.

You don't say things, then apologize, expecting it to be like nothing happened. Sorry, it doesn't work like that.

I thought maybe you were different. Well, you proved me wrong.

(:

Mum walks in and sits down on the bed beside me without realising that my copies of Newsweek next to me. After chatting for awhile, she stands up and i realized that she has been sitting on my magazines!

Me: Omg mum! Did you just sat on Obama's face????

Mum: Oh its Obama? *looks at magazine* No la! I didn't sit on him!

Me: Mum, my ipad is next to the magazines. You couldn't have sat on my ipad cause you would feel it. And your butt couldn't have fitted into the 15cm gap between my ipad and obama!

Okay, this is random, but it sure made mum and i laugh for quite awhile! (:

On the other hand, met w today for lunch and then she accompanied me for a hair cut, then followed me to cousin's childcare to pass her velcro. And she didnt wanna go home cause she'll probably start emoing, which is what im worried about. So I had to say I have totally nothing better to do if i go home! So we ended up catching "The Lorax"! Yes, I never watched animations willingly but this time, it was for w. Sooooo, oh wells. Turnsout, the whole theatre was filled with kids, and hearing their comments and questions while watching the show was so interesting. Whats even more entertaining was their parent's replies to their questions.

Nevertheless, it was a ridiculous show (which animation isn't?). But it really has good and simple plots and story-lines for kids to understand. So awesomely-straight-forwardly educational! (:

Why?

Yes, I need to do something about it.

All these issues I have yet cannot say.

The kind of pain that didnt kill you, but you wished it did.

When yl told me about it, it broke my heart to know that w was in such a bad state. The whole incident dragged on so long it drove her nuts, and it's saddening to know that she can't accept it, and she has all these silly thoughts in her mind now. All these years, we all thought she was this very sensible and tough person. Always the smartest, cleverest, calmest. Its hard seeing her just fall apart like this. Its gonna be a long long time till she'll be alright again i guess.

I know you won't read this, but we love you, and we'll all be here.

-

"Will you be happy for me?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"You already know the answer."

"Tell me."

"Because I know you're not truly happy. And you won't be."

):

Why do I feel like I have to constantly fight for your attention?

And i need a getaway. damn.

Im sorry.

I think just broke another heart ): I didnt mean it.

Whats wrong with these people anyway?

Childhood.

Bumped into Y twice recently. It was funnily awkward because we met under weird circumstances, and we didnt know what to say. Then we started talking online, and asked about one another and then it lead on to our dreams and it was kind of...heartwarming? The last time we spoke to one another, we were 12. Our biggest worries and goals were about which secondary school to apply to. It has been 9 years. Now, we all have big dreams we want to fulfill in life.

Well, it was nostalgia, talking to someone I knew since I was 6.

Those cute little games we used to play together. And all the stupid names we used to call one another.

(:

Crappy. And very cranky.

Stupid valentine's day.

Just like that.

Bloody horrible day ended up kind of good actually (:

ARGH.

The sian-ness when I have to miss TWO 21st birthday parties just because I agreed to guest perform for a concert. A concert that is just a bloody pure waste of my time.

And in another life, I would make you stay.

Listening to this song at this unearthly hour is surprisingly calming. When the world around you is silent, and this is the only thing you're hearing.

Emo much.

On a happier note, I just freaking hell completed my final report. Its 5, and I've got to wake up at 8.30 to start printing everything I've done this semester. Should I go to bed?

Its kind of sad, and kind of surreal, that just like this, I'm done with poly.

Sigh, its actually very sad. Damn ):

2 weeks worth of 4am(s).

The dreadful feeling when its 4 in the morning, and you wished you can go to bed.

With your unfinished report staring back at you.

Every nighttttttttttttttttttttttttttt ):

Eye-bags.

GBM for my final presentation tomorrow. I mean later, in 7 hours' time. Last one in poly, the most important one.

Because I met you, I have been changed for good.

I'm limited
just look at me i'm limited
and just look at you you can do all I couldn't do
glinda,
so now its up to you
for both of us
now it's up to you

I've heard it said
that people come into our lives
for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
and we are lead to those
who help us most to grow
if we let them and we help them in return
Well i dont know if i believe that's true
But i know i'm who i am today
because i knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
halfway through the wood.
Who can say if i've been changed for the better
but, because i knew you
I have been changed for good.


It well may be
that we will never meet again in this lifetime
so let me say before we part
so much of me is made from what i learned from you
You'll be with me
like a hand print on my heart
Now whatever way our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine
by being my friend

Like a ship blown from it's mooring
by a wind off the sea
like a seed dropped by a sky bird
in a distant wood
Who can say if i've been changed for the better?
But because i knew you

Because i knew you

I have been changed for good


And just to clear the air i ask forgiveness
for the things i've done you blame me for
But then i guess we know there's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter any more

Like a comet pulled from orbit
(like a ship blown from its mooring)
As it passes a sun
(By a wind off the sea)
Like a stream that meets a boulder
(Like a seed dropped by a bird)
Halfway through the wood
(in a wood)

Who can say if i've been changed for the better?
I do believe i have been changed for the better

And because i knew you

Because i knew you

Because i knew you,
I have been changed

For

Good.

Cant believe you're affecting me this much.

Fuck. Just because you dont understand.

insecure.

突然感到不安。
突然好想回家。
突然好想哭。
但又不知道为什么。

From the bottom of my heart, thank you (:

Its like hearing the answer that I was so afraid to hear yet I already knew, all these years, in my face. I heard my heart shatter when you say those things. All the tears that I held back. But at least I know you're happy now.

Now, we're truly friends (:

Bloody frustration.

You know? The feeling when its almost 5 in the morning and you finally decide to put down your work to go to bed. You are just so damn tired but you're too stressed to fall asleep because there's like a million worries running through your mind. And it's scary to just think about the things you have on your to-do list the next day.

To make matters worse, it's new year next week and you haven gotten anything to wear. And you have no time to shop at all.

Fml.

原来过了那么久，还是会心痛。

That night, i thought it was time to pack up all those things i've chose to ignore for so long. As I opened boxes, cupboards, cabinets, drawers, I picked up all those things, and I started to remember. All the small little things made me smile. But when I finally got to the letters, my heart wrenched. I knew I will be fine as long as I don't speak. But when Anan called, I couldn't hold it back anymore. I don't think i've cried so hard for years. And the last time I did, it was probably still because of the same person.

Waking up the next morning with a headache and swollen eyes was no joke though.

Sometimes, memories seems to be the only thing you have left. And yet, these memories are usually far too painful to be remembered.

H.

I missed you. Far too much. Far too long.

Too painful.

Shucks.

Huimin just made it official.

That i'll be having performance every month from Feb to May, and maybe June.

GBM.

我知道你很难过

我知道你很难过 感情的付出 不是真心就会有结果  别问怎么做 爱才能长久 这道理有一天你会懂 

我知道你很难过 昨天是恋人 今天说分手就分手  别问你的痛 要怎么解脱 多情的人注定 伤的比较久 

And again,

WHY THE HELL DID I CUT MY HAIR?

):

Wtf is wrong with me?

像种感冒 爱情出现了 忽冷忽热的徵兆

才刚坐下有说有笑 一眨眼有微笑是正常

往常一样花好几天的冷战把情绪交换

我坐立不安 怎麽比分手还难

你是我的肩膀 我就信仰 是我的温暖

有时候我在想 留在你身旁是爱你

还是爱上陪伴

习惯两个人不见不散 习惯一睁眼就寻找对方

习惯让我们懒散 不再坚强 对寂寞丧失抵抗

习惯两个人睡单人床 才能沉睡到天亮

如果你离开了 我束手无策怎麽办

总是习惯 若无其事的 继续为爱而繁忙

究竟是装宽容大方 还是呢忍受房间空旷

我们总说时间到了就该懂得好聚好散

我坐立不安 陷入爱的拉锯战

你是我的肩膀 我的信仰 是我的温暖

有时候我在想 陪在你身旁是爱你

还是爱上陪伴

习惯两个人不见不散 习惯一睁眼就寻找对方

习惯让我们懒散 不再坚强 对寂寞丧失抵抗

习惯两个人睡单人床 才能沉睡到天亮

如果你离开了 我束手无策怎麽办

习惯了圆满 怎能又 重新习惯空出的另一半

习惯两个人不见不散 习惯一睁眼就寻找对方

习惯让我们懒散 不再坚强 对寂寞丧失抵抗

习惯两个人睡单人床 才能沉睡到天亮

如果你离开了 我束手无策怎麽办

但愿我爱上的不是爱上你的习惯

Am so horribly depressed now ):