Cause you'll always be my baby

Hey friends. So I thought although we do all meaningful announcements and important details on Facebook nowadays, I didn't want there to be hard feelings. I still love my blog, I do. Facebook is just easier to get a hold of on short notice. We have more in common. Facebook doesn't ask me for extended commitments. But here is an offering. A little blog about our latest and greatest.

Of course, the big news is that we just can't stop procreating and we don't care who knows it. Little Potus Warner will be with us the end of May, hopefully after school is adjourned so we can all sit around and do nothing all summer. I have actually been pleasantly surprised at how nice people have been, and specifically how few people have made jokes about you know, having too many children. I guess people in Utah know how to be cool about it. We are of course terrified to have five children and think this is a terrible idea for us to be in charge of that many little people, but nonetheless we are extremely excited and completely confident this little stinker belongs. I'm struggling with pronouns when I talk about said baby, because we will not be finding out how we should dress the little bugger until he/she makes their grand debut. We figure with two of each and more baby stuff than we should ever have hung on to, there's really no reason not to make delivery a little more suspenseful.

I can talk about this all now so positively because we are almost to the finish line on the part of pregnancy I like to refer to as Absolute Misery. I feel like I've been sicker with this one than any pregnancy to date, and poor Jessie has given up hoping I'll put in a load of laundry or make a real dinner. But luckily for the poor widower, things seem to be picking up this week and hopefully I'l be out plowing the fields and power shopping again soon and all will be right with the world.

The children are all very ecstatic to be getting a new sibling, particularly the part where I sit in bed all day and they run around doing and eating whatever they want. Attempts to reinstate rules and discipline have been met with skepticism and a general disbelief that we are serious, so they'll probably be watching five hour cartoon marathons and subsisting on crackers and halloween candy a bit longer. They do enjoy inspecting my stomach and informing me how much fatter I'm getting every twenty minutes, so that's immensely gratifying for all of us. Also they want food whenever I want food and since I eat every 45 minutes that's fun.

Anyway, that's the skinny on our lives the last two months. It's been real. Peace out.

A tale of a day

So some days are awesome. We had a day like that. All the children woke up screaming. That should have clued us in that there was a grand evil plan in the works. Ethan was the instigator. Here's a pro tip from someone in the trenches: If you have four children, never shower. Ever. Even in the dead of night, because that's when a kid will wake up puking or burn down the house or start their own rock band. While I was in the shower, Spencer and Ethan apparently had a friendly conversation. Then I had many small minions breaking down the shower door to tell me Spencer hurt Ethan! Including Spencer himself. (That's my favorite. Spencer likes to tattle on himself. It usually starts, "Mom, I need you. Something happened..." Followed by fun statements like "My room is not clean." "I hurt Ethan." "I started dumping this and I couldn't stop." Pointing to a giant pile of baby power. Or my personal favorite, with a very stricken look, "My pants are very full of poopies...") Anyway, Ethan joins the fray with his mouth dripping blood and the fun really began. Never fear though, the dentist says he will still one day be able to wear dentures. Nah, he just had a torn frenulum and a pretty impressive gash across his gums that the dentist was pretty excited about. But luckily it's all healing up nicely.

Of course, then after we got all that settled, Spencer was running (What? Spencer running? What a strange phenomenon) and biffed it right onto his face and got a nice bloody nose. Luckily Jessie was home because I was about done with my blood quota for the day, and Spencer can bounce back from black plague if you just kiss it and tell him he's okay. But when we came inside to fetch healing herbs and ointments, we realized Madeline tried to carry a giant 5 gallon drink cooler of bright red fruit punch off the counter for a lemonade sale and turned our floor into the Red Sea. (Ha ha. See what I did there? If I had thought of that at the time, Madeline still probably would have been grounded for a month.) So Madeline got to mop for a while which is actually one of her favorite things while everyone else bled except Kimberly. But lest you feel sorry for her for being left out, a few minutes later she was jumping on the bed instead of kneeling for family prayer and somersaulted off and hit her back on the bed frame and was a very sad little girl. So the day started with all the screaming, and ended with all the children screaming. And that, my friends, is show business. 

It's been a long road, without you my friend

So we're still alive. In case you were wondering. I decided it's time for another random update into the crazy awesome life of the Warners. Because I know you missed me. We all know there's no way in heck I'm catching up on six months of life events, because I don't roll that way. So we'll just pretend you've had nice regular updates on our vacations and holidays and doctor's appointments and circus performances and jump right into it, okay? Here's a picture to make life better.

Here are the four reasons we can't have a regular and frequent blogging friendship.

Anyway, because I like tried and true organizational methods, let's give you a little glimpse into each of these trouble maker's little existences. 

So Ethan. What can you say about this kid? He's turning two next month (wowsers, that went fast) and he's definitely asserting his own personality in this family. He has stopped screaming so much now that he can talk more, but he makes up for it by saying no and uh oh a lot. He can say about fifty words at least but mostly he gets by with "uh huh", "no", "uh oh", "please", and a whole lot of attitude and inflection. He likes trying to be a big kid but then he gets his feelings hurt and wants to be cuddled and held all day long. He loves Donald Duck and cars and is very good at singing Wheels on the Bus, if you can get him to get past "beep beep". He tends to get lost there for a half hour and we never make it all the way through town. He got new glasses with a bit better prescription, and he still won't take them off when he goes to bed so we give it about a week before they're mangled beyond repair. But I suspect he will still have no trouble picking up the ladies at the grocery store with them even when they're trashed. He gives kisses instead of saying sorry and likes to give bones Baymax style. He gets really excited about meat and anything liquid in a cup. He insists on trying to dress himself and is marginally better at it than he was, so it only takes a half hour instead of two to get him dressed. He still has some pretty bad eczema for who knows what reason so we'll probably be putting him in a bubble soon so we can roll him around like a hamster. He really digs the tv show Mash, which I totally only pushed on him a little bit. He comes running if he hears the theme song and brings me the remote. "Mash? Mash?" He also likes taking off his pants and thinks he knows how to potty train but we all know that's a pipe dream.

Speaking of potty training and pipe dreams, Spencer is having a lot of fun in that department. At three and a half, he thinks he is cool enough to wear underwear, and we mostly let him, except during nasty bouts of diarrhea. (That was a lesson learned the hard way.) We are pretending he's potty trained since he starts preschool in a few weeks but between you me and the wall, it might be more like sort of kind of partway in my dreams. Other than that, Spencer has an awesome life. He mostly runs around tackling people, destroying things, watching super heroes, and asking for treats. He gets his feelings hurt easily but that is usually fixed pretty quickly by a few seconds of sympathy from mom or dad. Unless it's a bigger calamity, in which case he tearfully tells us he's very tired and hides under a blanket in our room until something interesting distracts him. He likes to block hallways and demand you give him five dollars before you pass, but luckily he accepts imagined currency. He likes to say things will happen "Sunday", which can mean someday, Sunday, or any other day of the week because that's the only one he knows. When he gets in trouble, he's quick to tell us he'll act like a perfect gentleman "next time". He prefers to wear long sleeves, even in August, and no socks because socks are for people with no place to go and nothing to do. 

Kimberly continues to be a little fireball, and has grown quite the little temper (perhaps aided and abetted by her older sister but we'll get to her later.) She is VERY into Wonder Woman at the moment and all female super heroes. She wants an exact replica of her costume and her door painted like the Justice league, which all of my children call the Justice "leej" thanks to Madeline being their official reader of important information. She gets very angry when I don't give her many many treats but has learned much more quickly than the other children that she should suck up and speak sweetly when there are rewards to be had. She wants to have more friends but has very specific parameters as to who can qualify as a friend, namely 1. They must be four 2. They must be a girl 3. They must not be going into kindergarten this year 4. They must not be some one she has never talked to 5. They must be pretty 6. They must like Wonder Woman 7. They must not be born on a Thursday 8. They must speak German and French 9. They must not like Madeline more than her 10. Preferably they are exactly like her one and only friend she currently has. In fact, she doesn't need any friends except her one best friend because people aren't cool. Luckily her one best friend is in her preschool class so we are hoping that will go well this year. Otherwise Kimberly might end up home schooled and we are all very excited to see what an awesome teacher I would be.

Madeline. Oh Madeline. What can you say about Madeline? Really she hasn't changed at all in six months, except she's changed a whole bunch. She's so tall now. She looks like she's 13 and it kills me. She's starting second grade in a week and can make French toast by herself and spends most the day running around with friends and I don't even worry. Much. She is an excellent reader and loves to make cards and schedules and books and checklists and basically tries to organize her life with paper, tape, and crayons. She hates uncertainty and has been known to throw major tantrums if you can't tell her why Spencer opened the dishwasher or exactly how many minutes and seconds it will take for her to calm down and get off timeout. She is still a huge ball of passion rolled into a skinny little body and if our house explodes one day that's why.

Jessie is ever expanding and excelling and basically making me look bad. He changed jobs twice in the past six months, so those of you who were confused can continue to be confused even after I explain it to you, He had a brief stint at a company called Itok, then took a job at a really small company called SpinGo as Marketing Director, then got promoted to General Manager of the company. So he's all big and important and awesome, but don't worry, he still makes time for the little people. He is eagerly anticipating his first Father/Son camp out with Spencer this weekend, and I am eagerly anticipating when I can send Ethan off too.

Me, I'm just chilling. Having given up most of my grandiose dreams of the new year, I am content to try and keep up with the laundry and watch Psych and clean up all manner of bodily fluids and dream about when preschool starts and I will only have two children every morning. I get to sing in a choir at Stake conference this week, which is insanely awesome because I haven't sung in a choir in years and years and many moons and many children ago.

So that about wraps it up. As always, please take your trash with you as you leave the theater, but leave your uneaten chocolate. We look forward to seeing you again in another six months when production is completed on the exciting sequel, "Warners in Winter: An Epic Tale of Survival, Laughter, and Ridiculousness." 

The Month of Not Awesome

So. Friends. The year of awesome. It's kind of hit a snag. A snag called February. Aided and abetted by March. I have a theory that involves a conspiracy in which both February and March have a Friday the 13th this year and this upsets the balance of the universe and everything goes kaput. Basically, everyone I know has had a rough couple of weeks lately. We have not found any evidence to the contrary around here, but we'll keep looking. Mostly life got derailed by this:

I got to have my first ever surgery, which was totally rad, and now I can act cool at parties. Since some of you have wondered what the heck we have been keeping from you, here's a quick rundown of the party, hopefully without too many graphic details, But if you are at all squeamish, stick your fingers in your ears and hum Hakuna Matata for a minute and we'll rejoin you on the other side.

Basically, what happened was my IUD freaked out. For the uninitiated, that's a type of birth control device that I will let you research if you so desire so we don't have to say scary words in public. But mine didn't stay where it was supposed to, and instead poked a hole and started floating around my abdomen. Which sounds a lot scarier than I suppose it actually is, because most doctors agree that in the highly unlikely event this happens, you won't really feel anything and it shouldn't cause much damage. Which is strange, because I had a ton of stomach pain for about 2 or 3 weeks in a totally different spot than where my IUD was hanging out and they're not really sure why and are not entirely sure if it was the IUD or a random, coincidental, unidentified ailment of mythical origin. Medical mysteries are so hip right now. But basically, I spent a few weeks trying to figure out this pain with a rather unhelpful general practice clinic, who seemed to be unsure whether they had any interest in practicing medicine. After a week or two of their adorable shenanigans, I ended up in the ER because that's how the cool kids get things done. The doctors there were pretty sure they were going to get a pretty picture of my appendix trying to explode and instead got a nice shot of my IUD playing hide and seek, which I already knew and had tried to tell the crazy clinic but I don't have a medical degree so you can see why they were reluctant to trust my opinions. Then my OB finally got involved, which in retrospect we should have done much earlier because we get along great at parties, and he was all, "Dude, let's cut you open and take out that sucker because it hasn't paid rent in like three months." And I was all, "Sounds totes amazeballs, you doing anything tomorrow my brother?" And just like that we popped into the hospital for a few hours and I've been IUD free since 2015! If you guys approve I'm going to be putting that bumper sticker on my van.

So there's the skinny. It's been a bit of a bummer because it's really killed my exercise dreams and I've had to push back some of my athletic ambitions, like running a half marathon in April, becaue apparently you can't just wake up the day of and swig a 5 hour energy and ace those things. Stupid training programs. And all this occurred while some other pretty sweet things were going down, like Ethan needing eye surgery, our niece crashing her car, Jessie's dad and about twenty thousand other people we know going to the hospital (it's where all the coolio people hang), everyone getting sick with colds, and a dozen other little things that aren't really impressive on their own but with their powers combined, they are Captain Planet!

But, never fear. Optimism springs eternal in the Utah snow and I have faith that there is some awesomeness left in this universe. Hopefully once we get Ethan's eyes all unwonkified and make sure everyone is healthy (don't worry, we'll be sure to have them cleared by Captain Crazy, MD at the We Hate You Medical Clinic), we shall continue to identify ways we can make your stay on Planet Earth more pleasant and set great records and in general be too cool for school. Just everyone do me a favor and exercise a little superstitious caution this March 13th. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make sure my kids aren't blinding each other with Shout spray.

Mad about the Boy

We interrupt our normally scheduled chaos to stop, breathe, and celebrate birth. The man of the hour:

Spencer has hit 3! I tried to get Kimberly to tell him how much fun she had being 3, and she said: "I had fun being 3. But I'm having a much better time being 4." So, you know, Spencer still has a year before life gets really awesome. But I think he'll have a good time being 3. And maybe 3 will be a less destructive than 2? A girl can dream. So here is our traditional bulleted list of fun facts about Spencer:

• He loves all things boy with a passion. His current favorite characters are, in order of importance, Lightening McQueen, Dusty Crophopper, Jake and the Neverland Pirates, Captain  Hook, Baymax, Robin Hood, Superman, Spiderman, And possibly Strawberry Shortcake and the gang. Having sisters has not been totally lost on him.
• He shows love by tackling, choking, jumping, and other manly arts of wrestling. WE are trying to convince him a soft hug will do.
• He loves to go shopping with me. His favorite thing ever is to drop Kimber at school and have a "Mommy Son Date!!!!" Although he didn't appreciate getting "stuck" in the mall with his aunt because it was too big and he couldn't find the way out. Silly kid.
• He is a destructive machine. I'm keeping a list of things he's killed so I can rub it in when he asks for money. He's got to his credit a big screen television, a screen door, several bracelets and necklaces, several books, some picture frames, a lot of wasted/crushed cereal, a million crayons, a couple piggy banks, and probably a few things I've forgotten. I spend a lot of time with magic erasers and my walls courtesy of Spencer, a lot of time with my broom, and a lot of time nursing injuries to him and his siblings. 
• Spencer yet has boundless enthusiasm. It's a trait I hope will never go away because it makes life fun. Anytime he sees anything he loves he says, "I like that! Oh! I love that! Thank you! Me love you!" His trials are equally dramatic, but quickly fixed. He'll coe over howling like he's been set in fire but as soon as he gets a drop of sympathy, he's okay and running back to the action.
• He loves to cuddle when he ever takes the time to slow down. He also is not a morning person, which I'm sad to say he inherited from me. He comes up almost every morning crying and says, "I want to sleep!" 
• His language continues to be slower than what I'm used to with my girls, but he's getting there. He talks in sentences now and is trying to incorporate all the "rules" we've been working on (I am going, Spencer, not Me going) and he's getting better pronunciation, but I still have to translate for most people and even I don't know what he's talking about half the time ,and I do a lot of smiling and nodding and "that's great!". Some examples of words he slaughters: "daket" for blanket, "ramen" for museum, "kettley" for Kimberly, "Deethan" for Ethan. But even though we work with him and have been making improvement, I admit I'll miss his "Otay! Me love you!" when he gets it all worked out. :)

So that's our little Spencer in a nutshell. He is fun and crazy and definitely a large part of our stress, but so sincere and loving and full of life you can't help but love him. I actually get to spend a lot of time with him when his sisters are at school or friends and Ethan is napping, and he's my little buddy who even occasionally spurns his father for my comfort, which is unusual in this house. If I ask him if he wants to ever go to preschool, he always says, "No. Stay with Mommy." So we'll let him stay little for a while yet and be my helper. Love you Spenceroo! Happy birthday!

The Year of Awesome

So. I already wrote a New Year's post. But then I went and got a little crazy and actually wrote some real goals. Honest to goodness. I'm not going to write all of them here, because heaven help us if I had to have people ask how I'm doing. Accountability never helped anyone do anything. But here's a couple. Because I have dubbed this year the year of awesome. I decided I am too young to be lame and I could do a lot of cool things if I wanted to, and suddenly I want to. So I will.

First, I am going to run a half marathon.

Yeah, that's right. A half marathon.

I'm feeling a little crazy.

As evidenced by all the spacing.
But no more spacing. I've run a couple 5k races, very very slowly, and I was feeling good. I had goals. Goals to run a 5k faster than a 3 year old. But then my sister got all crazy and said "Come run a half marathon!" And I said "Hey, why not, I am young and not lame and this is the year of awesome!" And now I'm trying to figure out how to do that, since I'm not sure I've ever gone over 13 miles straight on my own power in less than 12 hours. But it'll be fun, I won a jogging stroller, so that's not helping since I have 4 children. More helpful is the treadmill I scored on KSL for 30 bucks, That's right, 30 bucks. I would put in more spaces but I think I used them all on the half marathon. It at least lets me pretend to run without getting a babysitter.

Oh, but wait, there's more. I'm going to learn to play the piano. Because after 28 years I decided it would be cool if I could play the piano. Not that I'm taking lessons or anything, that would be ambitious. But Jessie bought me a bunch of piano books for Christmas and so once a day I sit and pretend to plunk out some stuff and I'm getting close to stringing together entire songs from easy piano books with one note in the bass clef. The children are impressed. Someday I aspire to accompany my children at FHE. If we ever sing songs at FHE instead of holding great speeches during pro wrestling matches.

Also, I am going to get my ears pierced. We're going all crazy for the year of awesome. My niece is getting hers pierced for her birthday and I thought, I'm young and cool and can pretend I'm not afraid to get my ears pierced. Maybe people don't do that after they become adults but I'm not people.

And I'm going to Disneyland. Because that's pretty much a required goal for the year of awesome. And the beach. Mostly because we've never taken the kids anywhere, except Idaho Falls and Vegas once, and thought maybe we'd try to buy their love and affection.

Well, there's more but they're a a lot more mundane and I figure that's quite enough accountability to be throwing out there. Just remember, if you're working on your own goals, that it is the year of awesome, and you too, are young, not lame, and cool. Unless you're old and lame and dorky, in which case I'm sorry. I'll try not to let too much awesome spill into your gloom. Happy goal seeking!