Prepare yourself for the coolest weekend report EVER.

Memorial Day weekend was good to us. Mostly. No class on Monday meant no homework Saturday for Jessie, which meant three dull days of together time. Way more than we knew what to do with, but somehow we managed to get through it without killing each other. We paid for our fun Tuesday with sunburns and a sick baby, but things are getting back to normal now. Meaning Jessie is busy as a bee, if bees did marketing instead of making honey, and Madeline and I are lazy as a hibernating bear, if hibernating bears did laundry, dishes, and watched Sesame Street instead of sleeping. Instead of a blow by blow of the weekend, here are my favorite highlights:

-Madeline got a new stroller. I decided she needed a cheap portable one for vacations and summer fun. I was a good girl and got the generic one instead of the pink one, so that future male Warners can also ride in it without bringing shame upon their masculinity (provided Madeline doesn't break it first.) It's still pretty adorable, and it has elephants on it, which my sister will appreciate.

-Since Madeline got a new stroller for summer adventuring, we bought Jessie new sandals. And empanada shells. Those weren't really related to the sandals or summer adventuring, but we went all the way to Provo to get them, and they made Jessie happy. Argentine food usually does that.

-We played pinochle at the park with family. I love pinochle. Madeline loved the park. And we had Cafe Rio for lunch whilst at the park, making it the perfect outing.

-We taught nursery for the third straight week. People are starting to think it's our calling. I like nursery because Madeline behaves splendidly and can be as loud as she wants. Also, because there are snacks in nursery.

-We watched the entire Back to the Future trilogy. We've been meaning to do it for the past three weeks and finally had the time. It made me want a hover board and hydrating pizza. Seriously, can you believe that thirty years ago they thought we'd have flying cars and control over the weather by now? Crazy eighties people.

-We set up a tent in our front room and had a completely rain-free campout, complete with microwave smores. And then slept in our comfy bed instead of on a lumpy air mattress or in sleeping bags. Booyah. I love camping. Madeline liked it too. I thought she might hyperventilate from excitement and joy at such a awesomely fun event in our own front room. We are the best parents ever. I'm going to remind Madeline of this when she's sixteen and says I never let her do anything.


Well, there you have it. Best weekend ever. Now back to the real world where we have to eat our microwave smores on the couch instead of in a tent. Reality is so harsh.

I like my furniture and mocking others' pain.

We have new couches. Well, old couches. But newer than our previous old couches. So far, Jessie and I have spent a total of $20 on living room and kitchen furniture in our entire lives. That was for the couches we just got rid of, which came from Jessie's apartment complex when we were engaged. I bought them for ten bucks a piece. I was really pretty proud that I could just walk up and pay cash for a couple of couches. Obviously, this was a more innocent time in my life where my biggest expense was $250 for rent each month, and I thought buying a new outfit for twenty bucks was a large investment. Anyway, back to the furniture. We managed to beg borrow and steal everything we have in there. Mostly from my parents. We steal a lot from my parents. Shh, don't tell them. We stole their couches, and a ficus tree they bought for my wedding reception, and their kitchen table, and their bed frame. Also a couple of bookshelves and some junk food they leave out on their counters. You just put a grandkid in front of them and they get very uninterested in what you may or may not be hauling out of their house.

Also. I am pretty excited Kris Allen won American Idol. In celebration of this, I like to go to the American Idol website and read all the posts from crushed Adam Lambert fans. They like to whine and cry and blame sexual orientation and the state of Arkansas. The beautiful thing is that they might have some valid points about Adam Lambert's actual talent, but it's buried under absurd posts from people comparing Adam Lambert to Abraham Lincoln, because apparently coming in second on American Idol is almost exactly like being assassinated. At least if you share initials. I happen to like Abraham Lincoln a lot, people, so let's leave him out of this. Pretty sure Lincoln did come in second, many times in his life, but he'd probably tell you getting shot was a hundred times worse. So let's stick to Christian conspiracy theories about Arkansas buddying up to AT&T and blaming it on his nail polish. Because I'm guilty. I totally hate Adam because he wears black nail polish and eyeliner and it's my fault entirely he lost. Except I forgot to vote and they probably wouldn't have counted it anyway because I'm not from Arkansas. Drat.

We're gearing up for a fun-filled week of normalacy.

Well, things have been pretty quiet here. Or rather, I should say uninteresting. Madeline certainly does not allow our house to be quiet for very long. And when I say uninteresting, I mean nothing beyond the usual temper tantrums, spilled drinks, peeing on the floor, and other such usual events. I guess you could say we lead a consistently exciting life around here-just repetitive. Madeline is working on giving up her bottle, which is our big exciting project this week/month/rest of our lives. We've bought about 23 different kinds of sippy cups, trying to find one that pleases her. In true snobbish royalty fashion, she's very picky about what she drinks out of. Unless it belongs to someone else. Then she's not picky at all.

Our other big exciting project this week is watching American Idol. Because we are boring old married people, this is one of our favorite activities. That, and the continued obsession with West Wing. (Jessie got me/us the seventh season for Mother's Day. When we reach the end of that season, I don't know what we're going to do when Jessie comes home for lunch. Stare at each other and invent the wheel, probably.) But back to American Idol. Madeline likes it, because she likes music. And Jessie and I like to critique/mock the singers and lament the judges stupidity/egotism and in general, remark on how creepy Adam Lambert is. Because there's something not right with that man. And his clothes. And his tongue. And his ability to hit higher notes than a classically trained soprano. So I guess there's no surprise that we're pulling for Kris in the grand finale. Go humble married dudes who aren't creepy.

Madeline is wearing her ANGRY eyes

Madeline has developed temper tantrums. I don't know where she picked it up, because she pretty much does all her learning from Curious George and Sesame Street, and they always share and say please and thank you and talk nicely to grownups. But pick it up she did. And now, whenever anyone tries to touch her or take away metal cans she's grabbed out of garbage cans, she throws a fit. The kind of rolling on the ground, kicking and screaming fits that I always thought you had to have some kind of Tae Kwan Doe training for. It's halfway between maddening and hilarious. She just collapses in a fit of self-righteous anger. The best was when she tried it on the dog when he kept stealing her dropped crackers. Since it just made it easier for him to get to the crackers, I think he got the better end of the deal. Anyone with advice on how to curtail these activities or hard scientific evidence that it's a completely random behavior that has nothing to do with the quality of my parenting is encouraged to share their wisdom.

In other news, since my parents are getting new couches for their newly remodeled/soon to be remodeled living room, we've seized the opportunity to ditch our very worn $10 dorm couches in favor of their moderately worn, more comfortable couches. My parents don't understand why we want their castoffs. I figured I'll invite them down to try to sleep on them with Madeline cutting off the circulation in their arm so they'll understand. Meanwhile, I'm on a quest to get rid of our old couches. Instead of paying more in gas and dump fees to get rid of them than we did buying them, I got the brilliant idea to stick them on craigslist and see if some other poor sucker is willing to take them away at their own expense. I've got a few bites, so we'll see if we can bid our poor old couches farewell this weekend. My fingers are crossed. (If anyone wants them to go couch sledding or to put on a porch or something, holler at me and you can be the poor sucker who hauls them away at their own expense. Lucky you.)

The week without Daddy. Or sleeping.

Well, my husband went to Washington D.C. without me. Lest you think he's a big jerk, let me assure you that he's not having any fun. Unless trade shows are some huge secret party scene I've been missing out on. He'll be gone for four days, which incidentally, will be the longest we've ever been apart since, well, the first date. Pathetic, huh? So now we can test our relationship long distance and decide if we have what it takes. And if we don't, we're going to stay married anyway and enjoy ourselves.

So, you might ask, what does a girl spend her time doing to ease the heartache of being separated from her one and only? Well, my two favorite pastimes so far are 1) farm and 2) torment my daughter. My sister got the whole family addicted to some farming game on facebook. It's like Settlers of Catan 24/7. My mother is playing. Even my little brother without a facebook account is playing, via his older brother's dormant account. Thanks, Elder Lundstrom, for brightening your kid brother's day. Or allowing him to get addicted to an online gaming community that will suck out his soul and replace it with cabbages.

As for tormenting my daughter, that's really not as much fun as it sounds. Ever since she got sick she's been on a crazy, rather unpleasant sleeping schedule that's been driving me nuts. So we did what we always do when Madeline and I aren't getting along, sleepwise. Arbitration from Grandma. She found Madeline guilty of being too stubborn for her own good, and is currently getting her to take a nap. Madeline doesn't like it one bit. And I don't like hearing her cry. So it's pretty much awesome for everyone. And, with any luck, we'll get her back to taking naps and going to bed without a fuss just as Daddy gets back with jet lag and messes us all up again.

She speaks, she speaks

Madeline has one of those cute books you use to record all her firsts. Her first tooth, first word, first step, etc. The only problem is, I don't know when half of them were. Her first steps. for instance. It was about three months from the time she first "stepped" to the time she attempted to take more than two at a time. By that time, I wasn't sure whether to count those first steps or not. Same with her first word. There was no clear defining moment when she "spoke" for the first time. So someday, when she asks me what her first word is, I'm going to have to lie and tell her she was mute until she was five and then spontaneously started speaking at a high school level. Unless "uh oh" counts. She's been using and understanding that one for months. A fitting first word for her, I guess. Certainly more interesting than "hi", which is the other word she's mastered. She likes to use that one in church in the middle of the sacrament. Really loudly. I know it sounds cute, but really people, it's not so amusing when it's your kid driving away the Spirit.

Speaking of talking, I've been trying for months to get Madeline to say "mommy", but she's a stubborn little bugger. And this led to her new trick:

Me: Madeline, say "mom"!

Madeline: Dad!

Me: No, "mom"! "MOM"!

Madeline: Dad! Dad!

Me: Madeline, please say "mom"?

Madeline: DAD!

Jessie thinks this is pretty hilarious. He promised Madeline a lot of treats if she kept it up. But he wasn't so amused after I showed him MY new trick:

Me: Madeline, who do you want to change your diaper?

Madeline: Dad!

Me: Madeline, who do you want to come get you when you wake up at 5 AM?

Madeline: Dad!

I'm pretty sure Jessie is now pursuing an intensive campaign to teach Madeline to say my name. What a great husband.

Return of the sleep wars

So every time I think we've officially gotten Madeline on a sleep schedule, she likes to let me know she's still in charge. The past week, she's been exerting control by waking up way too early. As in between 5 and 6 AM too early. Did I mention I'm not a morning person? I tried to put her to bed later so she'd wake up later, and she woke up earlier instead. And also a few times in between. And, may I mention, ridiculously tired and cranky, and very committed to staying awake as long as possible. And I can't utilize the whole crying it our strategy to get her back to sleep, because she's got a little cough, so she stands in her crib crying and coughing pitifully until I feel cruel and sadistic (read: 45 seconds.) To top off the joy, she refuses to nap properly again. She was taking a two hour nap in the middle of the day, and it was a relief to kind of know what to expect. But then she went back to the whole sleep-for-twenty-minutes-every-couple-of-hours thing. Or the wake up at 6 and don't take a nap until 3:30 PM gambit. Basically, we'll be fighting about her sleeping habits the rest of our lives. Or at least until she has a younger sibling whose sleep schedule is more objectionable.

Oh. Did I mention this whole sleep thing came at the same time as the new and improved temper tantrums?

I'll be crying into my pillow if you need me.

Girls just wanna have fun. And become professional wrestlers.

Welcome to May! It fees like it's been a long time coming. April isn't supposed to be that long, is it? We've been keeping busy so far this month. All 48 hours of it. I went to a reception for an old college friend (as in we met years ago, not that she's old. She's youthful and vibrant.) Then I attended the annual Jessop girl's night out. Which has only been every other year since I've been in the family, but I'm told it's annual, so by George, it must be annual. We played board games and ate food and talked about how silly our husbands are, and husbands in general. And how cute our children are. And how much we were glad our husbands were watching said cute children. Anyway, the Jessop Annual Girl's Night Out is apparently a sleepover. Having attended one other such event, I was unaware that the sleeping over was also an Annual Event. Which means I stayed up til midnight with the gals, and then drove home and woke up at 6 am with the cute child. Not my best plan ever. I hereby resolve to prepare for the sleeping over portion of the festivities in future years, so as to take advantage of the whole sleeping-in thing. And to make sure Jessie does silly husband things once in a while so I have gossip for the ladies.

Tonight we went to our ward Game Night. It was a lot of fun, and Jessie discovered that I know way more about random old television trivia than he had ever suspected. I have so many layers of hidden talents that even after three years, my husband is still learning the extent of my awesomeness. The only hitch to the evening was that Madeline kept getting body slammed by one of the other girls. It was quite the sight to see. We think she may have been trying to hug Madeline and has just watched too much professional wrestling. She'd grab Madeline around the neck, lift her as high as she could in the air, and then slam her down onto the floor. It was pretty impressive, actually. This two year old was hefting 20 pounds when she couldn't have been more than 35 herself. Unfortunately, it was not so fun for Madeline. She held up admirably the first half a dozen times, without even crying, but then she'd had enough. When the two year old figured out that we were watching for the choke hold, she changed tactics and started sneaking up behind Madeline and pushing her down. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? For her patience, Madeline was rewarded with a brownie and some extra cuddling. She's already pretty hip to the concept that chocolate fixes everything. Girl after my own heart.