Well, here it is. As promised. We took a vacation, and we also took some pictures, and American law dictates we show them to somebody. Our kids got tired after the first 1000, so here we are, you lucky dogs. This will probably be a long post. Ridiculously long. Straining credulity long. Just remember I'm testing your loyalty as a friend. Like an actual test, it's multiple choice and it's 30% of your grade. I'm having flashbacks to college now so we'll just get on with it. Without further ado:
Cami's Guide to taking a Dream Hawaii Vacation
(The capitalization on that title is completely random, and I'm fairly certain, not compatible with Oxford's English
guide.)
1. Plan a vacation. Just accept it is going to cost your lifetime savings and your firstborn child. Find a good reason if you need justification for your financial sins. We used our anniversary, but you can use Boxing Day or potty training camp or whatever makes you happy. We don't have any pictures of this part since it mostly took place via computer on our bed in watching Netflix and our bedroom is very messy.
2. Find someone to care for your offspring. This is easier if you have less children. Be smart, don't start. Or if that boat already sailed, use it to your advantage. The more children you have, the more you need this vacation to remain mentally stable. Start with the grandparents and hammer that point home. Repeat what you just said often and stop talking once in a while and stare into the distance for a couple of minutes. Odds are someone will take pity and make an offer they can't take back. (For the record, I'm pretty sure it took my parents, all my siblings, and half my sibling's in-laws to make sure my children survived for a week. Thanks guys! We put your marble busts in our entryway because we are grateful. Also pro tip: Don't plan a vacation the same week your sister has a baby. Although I blame the baby for coming early. Don't babies know about due dates?)
3. Pack. A lot. Well first you're going to have to do a lot of laundry, then you can pack. For seven people. I like lists a lot. I especially like lists that take into account at least twenty worst case scenarios and plan accordingly. My packed bags usually resemble an exploding elephant.
4. Get on a plane. (We now welcome you to the visual portion of our presentation.)
Jessie had to make sure he blew his nose right before we landed so he got a good deep breath of Hawaiian fresh air. His boss gave us this excellent advice.
(I should add, the formatting of these pictures will likely be amazing because I am highly skilled at the internet. I have won sought after and coveted internet computer skill prizes.)
The locals will be so excited to see you they will place signs in your honor. Accept their applause and adoration.
5. Arrange to be in Hawaii at the same time as everyone you know, but completely by accident. For instance, this is Jessie's sister. We may have scheduled vacations to Hawaii on the exact same day without telling each other. So we figured if we had to be on the same island we would get lunch. And then run away from each other very quickly. They were so afraid to be on the same land mass as us that they hitched a plane to Tahiti the next day.
6. Rent a car. Debate getting a super cool convertible but get a boring sedan because we are above all, pragmatists. Get a red one though so you can feel like a rebel on the inside. Drive lots of places and take pictures out your window as they taught you in that shady online photography class.
(Fornuately double rainbows make your photography skills look a lot better regardless of the aptitude of the camera holder)
7. Eat many local delicacies. Make sure to eat pupu chicken and send your children a picture because saying pupu chicken will make them happy campers.
8. Go to the Polynesian Cultural Center. Then go home, you can die happy, Or stick around for a while because plane tickets are expensive. We have many, many pictures of the PCC. I can make up my own brochure now. We are superfans.
If you find a girl dressed in red, take a picture. Send it to your children and tell them you found Moana. Brace yourself for the explosion of happiness from 3000 miles away. If they ask who the random dude is, say it is Maui's cousin. (Disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible if this creates a difficult line of questioning, such as: Where is Maui? Why isn't his cousin a demigod? Where are all their hooks? But should this occur, lie your face off. Ad lib at will. Children love a good fib.)
(I think I developed a standard camera face while in Hawaii. It's a happy cross between "This is so fun/I have no idea what to do in pictures". I posted many of them so you can enjoy this phenomenon.
People dancing on boats. I was suitably impressed and will now be building my own floating dance floor to practice my chicken dance in adverse circumstances.
This small New Zealand boy has better dance moves at 2 than I will ever have in six eternities. This may speak more about my dance skills than his. I only regret not getting video so your head would explode from cuteness.
We missed the whole getting matching tattoos thing in our wild youth so we did so now. Turns out you have to use sharp objects if you want a permanent reminder of your love. Permanence is overrated. Sharp objects are not nearly honored and feared as they should be by the population at large.
We rode in a boat. But we do not have very long arms. So here is a group of lovely people we do not know modeling a boat for us because they have taken professional boat modeling classes. Also, when you go to the PCC, if your boat pusher looks incapable of pushing a giant boat, get in his boat. Better to be in his boat than the boat of the guy he tries to switch boat pushing sticks with halfway through the ride, because his small arms can't throw sticks very far and then you're stranded in a boat with no boat pushing stick while the people in the boat with the small boat pusher laugh at you as they sail away.
Find a giant wayfaring boat and send more pictures to your children. At this point they're still passed out in ecstasy at Moana, but when they wake up this will make them pass out again which is great for Grandma.
If you are asked to participate in any cultural games against small children, be merciless. Make those suckers cry. Go for blood.
Also, another pro tip: whenever anyone asks you if you are celebrating anything, tell them you're celebrating your anniversary. Be vague about the exact date of your anniversary so no one realizes it was five months ago and you're a little slow but you do get around to celebrating things eventually. Accept the cascade of well-wishes, free food, and complementary gifts and songs.
9. Skip the hotels and find your own private house on a quiet perfect beach so you can watch the sunset from your balcony and fall asleep to the gentle lullaby of the waves crashing against the shore and take long romantic walks and be the first to die in the event of a giant tsunami.
11. Find a random chicken and take a picture. Tell your children it is Hai-Hai. You can deduce from this blog that a) my children recently discovered Moana and b) we love feeding their delusions.
12. When your children get over the fact that you are in Hawaii with Moana and instead demand to see a dolphin, send them this amazing picture. Do not mention that is a picture of a picture on your placemat at lunch. Never stop feeding the delusions.
13. If you have time, visit the Dole pineapple plantation. There are two must do's at this location. First, get a picture of Jessie as a hula girl.
Second, go outside the Dole plantation across the parking lot to the strange plantation for some other pineapple company you can't remember the name of and get a picture of their inflatable pineapple through the fence because they are closed. Wonder why they are in the same parking lot. (It's like Disneyland letting Lagoon park right outside their front door. Maybe it's to make the Dole plantation look way cooler in comparison?)
14. Find a coconut. Rip it open with your bare hands to prove your masculinity. Make a face to also prove your masculinity.
Here is a peacock for your viewing pleasure. And underneath the peacock with the coconut is another picture of a male peacock showing off.
15. Go get breakfast at the local high school hangout by the school so you can relive your glory days and maybe get in a fistfight over the most popular girl at school.
16. Go out on your semi private beach.
There are no people here.
Build sandcastles because that is much more mature than surfing or snorkeling.
You may judge which of these sand castles is superior. (Spoiler alert: I am cooler than Jessie. Also Jessie builds too close to the ocean.)
Getting buried in the sand is also a requirement if you find yourself on a beach. Warning: You may get a little bit of sand on you. Don't worry, you're in Hawaii, being sandy is better there.
Here is Jessie with a giant leafy branch. I think he is now chief of the beach.
17. Collect a bunch of driftwood and pretend they are magic wands. Have a Harry Potter duel and win because you know more spells than your spouse. Collect a bunch and take them home to your children and tell them they are magic wands because you shouldn't stop lying to your children just because the vacation is over. Also, free souvenirs!
18. Make your awkward picture face in as many selfies as possible. Here is my awkward selfie face at the beautiful Laie temple.
Here is Jessie's awkward selfie face in front of a taco truck.
19. Hike to a waterfall and jump in.
Here I am trying out an alternate awkward face on the hike to Waimea Valley Falls. We shortly thereafter returned to the tried and true awkward face.
Here is Jessie sticking his head through a wall of vines because he has good ideas. His look of terror is real, turns out sticking your head through a wall of vines is a good way to get strangled.
Don't worry, he lived and we made it to the waterfall.
20. Get shaved ice. This is real advice. Do it. Like three times a day. But always, always spring for the ice cream and condensed milk. The Hawaiians are so brilliant. I don't know where this has been all my life.
21. Drink from a coconut. It tastes weird but you are in Hawaii so you have to do things that are weird. Some people really like it. My main compliment is it doesn't taste much like coconut. But you get a cool picture.
22. Visit Pearl Harbor. Also real advice about which I have no jokes to make. It is a cool place.
23. Stay in a hotel for a night or two so you can sit in a chair like this.
24. Leonard's Bakery. The Malasadas truly are as good as the locals say. But if you don't like coconut water don't get the local version, get the classic. Because sometimes Hawaiians have weird tastebuds.
25. When you are exhausted from all the crazy excitement of Hawaii, go find a movie theater at the lame mall, not the cool mall, because that's crowded, and enjoy the air conditioning for a while. We finally watched Beauty and the Beast and let me tell you, it is wonderfully true to the original. The Beast is still much uglier as a guy than an animal.
26. Take a sunset dinner cruise on a cheesy Hawaiian boat with cheesy entertainment. You'll be pegged as a tourist for sure but it's fun and the views are amazing.
27. Get on a plane and go home because it turns out you kind of miss those raggamuffins you couldn't wait to get a break from. Darn their cuteness.
28. Assuage your guilt for leaving your children by spoiling them rotten with Hawaiian gifts. Take a lot of pictures of them because they're cuter and older than you remembered. Congratulate them on not reaching any major developmental milestones in your absence and then watch your baby take his first steps just to spite you. The growing, it's painful, someone make it stop!
Well, there you have it. A guide to a successful vacation. Kudos to you if you made it this far, you obviously are a glutton for punishment. Thanks for tuning in and Aloha! (The goodbye kind, not the hello kind.)
