Happy New Year!!!!!

My New Year's wish for you all.....



....and
because I'm sentimental...
my favorite New Year's Eve song
I know...I know...it's kinda corny...
I like it anyway....

R.I.P

"Andy"9-8-92
~
12-27-07

The Power of the Dog

There is sorrow enough in the natural way
From men and women to fill our day;
And when we are certain of sorrow in store,
Why do we always arrange for more?
Brothers and sisters, I bid you beware
Of giving your heart to a dog to tear.

Buy a pup and your money will buy
Love unflinching that cannot lie--
Perfect passsion and worship fed
By a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.
Nevertheless it is hardly fair
To risk your heart to a dog to tear.

When the fourteen years which Nature permits
Are closing in asthma, or tumour, or fits,
And the vet's unspoken prescription runs
To lethal chambers or loaded guns,
Then you will find--it's your own affair--
But ... you've given your heart to a dog to tear.

When the body that lived at your single will,
With its whimper of welcome, is stilled (how still!)
When the spirit that answered your every mood
Is gone--wherever it goes--for good,
You will discover how much you care,
And will give your heart to a dog to tear.

We've sorrow enough in the natural way,
When it comes to burying Christian clay.
Our loves are not given, but only lent,
At compound interest of cent per cent.
Though it is not always the case, I believe,
That the longer we've kept 'em, the more do we grieve:
For, when debts are payable, right or wrong,
A short-term loan is as bad as a long--
So why in--Heaven (before we are there)
Should we give our hearts to a dog to tear?

~Rudyard Kipling

Guess What?!?!?

Today's my birthday!

As both the beautiful Dutchie and gorgeous t cole remembered....

Thanks, sweeties!

For those of you who didn't remember....for whatever lame reason
you can come up with....

just leave your excuses in comments
and select a gift for me from my wish list at Amazon.com

Thank you.

Ahem...

Here are some pictures from today's festivities....
which included lunching at
the original 'Flying Biscuit" in Candler Park
followed by some light shopping (a top, a dress and a scarf)
then finished off by hot dogs at the Varsity for dinner.
(yes, I've gained 5 pounds since I've been here....)

they tempt you with this stuff while you wait...

I thought it was kinda special how Sweet Man matched the decor....

Ummmm...yes, I'll have one of each, please!

this mural will give me nightmares....

Just what I asked for!
The Nano!
(De pointed out to me that I was holding it upside down. I'm so smart!)

Right side up
(I feel so much less stupid now!)

Could they look more alike?!?!?

*Edit* if you click on "Flying Biscuit" there is now a link that'll take you to their website.
Sorry. I should have had that in there to begin with......but I was lazy that day.

Just like most days.....

p.s. Y'all all knew I'd never make it until '08 without posting, right?!?!?

"Shake it! Shake it like a Polaroid picture!"

The Genius of 'Hey Ya!'
Charlie Brown style

Merry Christmas, Baby Dolls!

See ya in '08!

Bridal Showers of the Rich and Famous

Yes, y'all.

I, Pissy of the Southern Circle of Hell, went to a bridal shower of the rich and famous today.

The shower was held for a truly lovely girl, a former classmate of Little Pissy's....a girl I've always been fond of....otherwise? There is no way in Hell I would have gone to this little soiree'...trust me.

This girl has accomplished everything you can think of....and then some. I won't go into all of it~just know that she was National Cheerleader of the Year her senior year of high school, was first runner-up in the nationally televised 'Miss Teen USA Pageant', was SGA president at the University of Alabama, worked in Washington D.C. upon graduation from college and is now marrying an NFL football player. He plays for the New England Patriots.

And the above is but a short list of the highlights of her life.

Best of all: she is one of the nicest and most down to earth young women you would ever meet.

Just sweet and genuine.....so refreshing.

Love her.

Love her parents.

Loved the woman at whose home the shower was held.

The house looked something like this:Seriously.

only it was brick.

The brunch was fabulous
and held in the "banquet room" of the home.
You read it right:
"banquet room"
not
"dining room"
which they also have, of course
but
"banquet room"
this picture doesn't do the food justice.

It was quite a spread.

There must have been 75 women there.
Most...the type of women that I never speak to.

Oh, I know them...and they know me....
but they're snobby bitches...
married to Doctors, Lawyers, Bank Presidents,
Business owners...old money people
the type of women you find in small Southern towns
Big bitchy fish in shitty little ponds
whatever....

they were dressed like this *
only with less attractive headgear

the multitudes of young women there were
dressed very fashionably.
I loved most of their dresses
they looked sort of like this.

I wore this:

yeah, that's right
the same dress and black capri leggings
with black ballerina flats
that I wore to GA Belle's
birthday brunch.

It was good enough to wear to my own fabulous daughter's brunch,
in freakin' Atlanta
it was good enough to wear here in Hell.

I know....
I'm such a rebel....
(roll eyes....)

* My apologies to all you Harry Potter fans....

'"I Hate Dentists'": Part 2 of a 3 part story

Y'all.....I am SO tired of this shit!

After spending an hour in the dentist's chair on Tuesday, he informed me that I'll have to go back Thursday so he can "finish" the scheduled work. He "ran out of time".

Goddamn it!

Two trips to the dentist in one week?!?!?

Looks like bad karma has come around to bite me in the ass....GAH!

The appointment was so bad on Tuesday that I've felt like crap ever since.

The dentist gave me so much novacaine (sp?) that I was numb on the left side of my face~from ear to chin~for five hours after the appointment!

Wednesday I felt like such crap that I almost canceled my session with Suzie.

I said "almost".

I went ...did the work out...ate lunch...then crashed feeling like I had the flu....for the rest of the day and night.

Woke up this morning feeling better....did some stuff around the house...started feeling like I had the flu again...slept three hours...missed my session with Suzie and yoga class.

Goddamn dentist!!!



p.s. pray for me that tomorrow's appointment won't suck like Tuesday's appointment did.

Damn it!

Y'all may not see me for a couple of days.

I have an appointment with the dentist at 10 a.m.

Not looking forward to it.

Lost part of a tooth waaaaaaaaay in the back.

Repairing that should be fun.....

Lots of shots and a sore jaw......

Not to mention the two other places he wants to "fix".

Oh...and I haven't told y'all, but the dentist thinks I need braces....
he's referred me to an orthodontist.

Stop laughing!

I'll look cute in braces!

DNA Update!

I know y'all are just DYING to find out what happened with the lab.

What?

You're not?

Too bad!

Y'all know I tell every damn thing that happens in my life...why start holding back now?!!?!?

Yeah....so yesterday....I've just finished working out for 2 hours....eaten lunch....walking around Burke's to put off going to Wal-mart.

My phone rings. It's the lab.

Lab: "Pissy? You sound so much happier today! Not that I blame you for being so angry yesterday..."

Me: (laughing) "Hi!...Yeah, I'm happy...it's the endorphins...what's up?"

Lab: "Dale County just called. Supervisor must have thought about this all day. She's requested a new collector."

Me: (still laughing) "That's cool. Did you tell that fucking bitch that I wasn't going back there anyway?"

Lab: (laughing) "Now, Pissy......you know we couldn't tell her that! We did tell her, however, that you had told us what happened and that you'd given a different version than what she was telling us. "
Me: (not laughing anymore) "What the fuck?!?!? What did that dried up bitch say about me?!?!?"

Lab: "Now Pissy (they say that to me a lot).....it's not worth repeating. We didn't believe her anyway....but I WILL tell you that Supervisor said you'd gone out the back door to avoid testing the client. Of course we told her that wasn't possible, since you'd told us that you'd seen the client sitting in the lobby."

Me: "That goddamn muthafucking lying bitch! I don't even know where their goddamn back door IS!"

Lab: "Now Pissy (see?)......it's o.k. We wouldn't want you to go back to that county under these conditions anyway. Don't worry about it. We know she's lying. But she's our customer...we'll have to find her a new collector."

Me: "Good luck with that!"

Lab: (sighing) "I know! If you weren't good enough, who's going to make her happy? Jesus? Santa Claus?"

Me: (laughing) "Nah....that bitch would complain about Mother Teresa. I know this is politically incorrect~but y'all might want to consider finding a deaf-mute to take the job."

************************************************************************************

So there you have it, kids....the official ending to my career as a DNA collection specialist.

Hope y'all have enjoyed the ride as much as I have!

Adventures in DNA collections: "Pissed off is the new brown " edition

Y'all......

I was SO pissed off this afternoon......

Probably as pissed off as I was at the assholes at Jack Ingram.

Remember them?

This time it was the dried-up-prune-faced-ugly-ass-hump-backed-polyester wearing-3-pack-a-day-smoking-fucking BITCH of a child support supervisor at DHR who pissed me off.

Calls me on my cell phone when I'm already back in Enterprise....25 miles away from her office....leaves me a message telling me to call back...I failed to test someone and the person was there waiting....I call her back...and nicely tell her there must have been a lack of communication...I didn't know there was anyone else to test....that I'm not going to drive back to Ozark....she gets shitty with me...I don't back down...won't let her bully me into it....and the goddamn bitch says, "I'm not arguing with you anymore!" and then hangs up on me?!?!?!?

Oh, I don't think so!!!!



I called the lab...told them what happened...that I didn't have to put up with shit like that...and that I quit.

They begged me not to....

Humph!

They're gonna have to beg a lot harder and back that up with more money!

Where was this chick when I needed her?!?!?

Hot Time in the City

Yeah, Baby!

I don't really have time for the post that y'all deserve to read 'cuz I'm about to leave to go buy booze for Little Pissy's party, so here are some pictures.

Just know that while I've been here I've had lunch at a quaint and lovely French restaurant and a super fun pub, shopped at Lennox on my own and with Little Pissy...(we closed the place down that night), been all over cute downtown Decatur and ate at a Waffle House right up the street from the ORIGINAL Waffle House...which is being turned into a museum.

Yeah.

A museum.

Stories to follow.

It was brezzy on that playground.....

The artists and their masterpiece

I would pass out if I did this.....

Don't they look cold?!?!?

GA Belle's beautiful, naturally curly hair.

It's alright to be jealous.

These "gifts" under the tree at Lennox were the size of my car.
I want all my gifts to be in boxes that big.

potential mother -of-the-bride dress
(didn't get it)

I love the neckline on this one....
but it did "poochy" things to my armpits
didn't get it....

Another view of the dress I didn't get (but loved)
it JUST fit...
I mean...if I gained an inch in my torso, it wouldn't have fit.

I DID get a dress.

It is so special and I got SUCH a deal on it that it deserves a post of its own.

Hope everyone has had a fabulous week!

Hasta la vista, babies!

I know, I know....it seems like I just got back from Atlanta, doesn't it?

Even so...I'm leaving again for the ATL in the morning.

GA Belle and her husband are hosting a couples shower for Little Pissy and her fiance.

That's on Saturday, Dec. 1st.

Why am I going on Tuesday, you ask?

Because there's a crap load of other stuff going on too.....

Tuesday: Drive the 4 hours to Atlanta....upon arrival....new kitchen counter tops and stove undergoing installation at Ga Belle's house. That evening we'll decide how to rearrange everything in her kitchen.

Wednesday: I go to school with Ga Belle. After school, we shop at Sam's for party supplies.

Thursday: I go through all of Ga Belle's Christmas decorations and decide what we'll use to decorate at the shower, polish silver trays and wash crystal bowls, etc.

Friday: Go to the house where the shower is being held (Ga Belle's in-law's house) to deliver decorations, silver, crystal, food, wine, beer.....etc....possibly some set-up.

Saturday: Morning: Shop at Nordstroms with Little Pissy and her future mother-in-law for 'mother of the bride' dresses. Don't worry. Pictures will be taken and posted for your amusement. Afternoon: make final touches at party scene. Evening: PARTY!

Sunday: After waking up late.....celebrate Ga Belle's birthday one day early.

Monday: Drive back to Hell.



p.s. I'll try to post while I'm there. Y'all know I hate for you to miss out on any tiny little detail of my life!

Turkey Day '07: the day after.....

I don't know about y'all, but here at casa de Pissy things are winding down.

So far three people and two dogs have departed.....

This is what I'm wearing...

(I know....sock monkeys are so hawt!)

...and of course: "gym girl" socks!

That's right, bitches!

Little Pissy, GA Belle and I had a session with Suzie today.

It was pretty brutal....

I'm tired.

Even the dogs are tired....

Momo wants to be left alone....

Going out on the deck now to enjoy the fire
Sweet Man has built in the fire pit.

Hope all y'all are having a great holiday!

The tape measure is not my friend....

Wednesday....November 21.....

Weigh and Measure day

Dum da dum dum.........

sadly....not being able to do cardio because of the back injury cost me..

I haven't lost any weight....

I gained a half inch back in my neck....

and

worst of all

a full inch back in my thighs...

*sigh*

The upside:

I've gained .8 of an inch in my arms due to finally
having some muscle

and lost the same amount in my abdomen.

Maybe it's all shifting?

Ha! I wish!
Nah....Suzie says we have to stop doing so much lower body
weight training and step the cardio back up.

I'm just glad I didn't gain any weight!

Here are some pictures from today.

WARNING!!!
I'm not wearing any makeup!

relaxed....


flexed....


Now let's go eat some turkey, people!!!!

Pre-Thanksgiving update.....

*I Finally Got Off My Ass

I know y'all are probably all as busy as I am these days......

but on the off chance that anyone has a chance to read this post, just wanted to let y'all know that ~as Jenn said~ I pulled a "Martha Stewart out of my ass" and everything has fallen into place.

Since my last post I've (1) cleaned out the closet in the smallest guest room, rearranged the furniture and decorative accessories in that room, (2) was given a new, very slightly damaged (I'm talking like one tiny corner has a scratch) console/table by my friend who owns the furniture shop (LOVE. HER.) which (3) required me to rearrange that area of my foyer.....which(4) in turn led to redecoration of my front porch area. I've also (5) poopy-scooped the entire back yard (that's poop for THREE dogs, people!) and (6) cleaned out the area under the deck stairs. I've (7) gone through my books...which (7) led to going through stored decorative accessories...which (8) led to a second trip to donate items to the Christian Mission. I've even (9)talked my trainer into taking a piece of furniture off my hands.....it's been on the patio for a couple of months and no one else wanted it.

Not to mention (10) grocery shopping for the Thanksgiving meal after (11) planning it and making the list.....putting away the $200 worth of groceries....which of course (12) required me to rearrange the pantry.

During the midst of all this I went to the gym on Friday and went shopping in Dothan yesterday with a friend.

As I type this the turkey is defrosting in the fridge and I'm contemplating going to the gym and getting on the treadmill for the first time in a month.

Or....watching the rest of 'What Lies Beneath' while munching on cheese and crackers......







*subtitle

Guess I need to get off my ass, huh?

*Thanksgiving is one week away.

I haven't planned the menu or done any grocery shopping.

*Six adults and two dogs will be visiting and staying with us for the holidays.

I haven't done any cleaning.

*I own all sorts of Thanksgiving decorations.

I can't remember where they're stored.

Maybe I should have saved that 'procrastination' image for this post.....

Instead here's this one....which reminds me of 'The Far Side'.

Prison Collections and Retail Therapy

I know I've said it before....but nothing people do surprises me anymore.

That being said~ I DID have a new experience in DNA collections today.

I tested a husband and a wife.

Both in the same county jail facility.

I KNOW!

It gets better......

I test the "husband" first.

He tells me "that baby not be mine....I's in prison when he be born. I's just got out in June and the mama and me just got married. She in here too....you need her?"

(Um.....yeah. The guard will bring her in a minute.)

I tell him that I just work for the lab and test who they ask me to test and for him to have a nice day.

Next....female guard brings in the "wife".

The wife had to be awakened from a nap. She was still yawning, rubbing her eyes and scratching the white doo rag on her head when she came into the room.

Lovely.

The wife asks me which one of her kids I'm there to test her for. I tell her. She asks me if I've tested her husband. I say yes. She says, "It's not his baby...he was in prison when I got pregnant. I was with three different mens....have you tested them yet?"

I tell her I'm not sure...I test a lot of people. She proceeds to tell me their names.....except for Bachelor #3....she says, "I can't remember that dude's name....but I know where he stay."

Out of curiosity I asked the wife how long she and her husband have been married.

"Since July", she tells me...."right after he got out of prison."

So.....the husband got out of prison in July and is already back in jail?

.....and so is his new wife?

No.

I didn't ask what they were in for....I didn't want to know.

I told y'all about them first because that story was the more entertaining of my two different jail facility collections today.

Yeah...I went to TWO different jails today.

The other one was less interesting, but still worth telling y'all about.

Get to the city jail in a small town near Hell.

The good looking young cop assigned to assist me asks me who I'm there to test.

I tell him.

He says, "Are you sure you want to test him? He's loaded on psychotropic drugs."

I ask if the inmate is dangerous.

He says, "No....he's just out of it."

I tell the cop that the inmate can refuse testing if he chooses.

The cop says, "Oh, he'll do it....we might have to prop him up though."

Sheesh!

So I follow the cop to the jail infirmary.

He shows me where I can sit for the testing. To the right of me is a large padded chair with arm and leg restraints.

This is gonna be fun.

The cute cop goes to bring the inmate in....again...they have to wake the inmate up.

(apparently all inmates do is sleep)

By this time there are a total of 4 cops in the room with me.

I'm thinking, "Shit! What kind of drugs is this guy ON?!?!?"

As the inmate is shuffling into the room they tell him to put a shirt on.

Yeah. That would be good.

I don't want to collect DNA from a hopped-up-shirtless-inmate....even if there ARE 4 cops in the room with me.

I mean: EWWWWWWWWW!

Anyway....

The inmate finishes pulling his orange scrub shirt on and plops down on the chair next to the desk where I'm sitting.

Whew!

I was afraid they were gonna put him in the "restraint chair".

I proceed to test the drugged out, barefoot inmate.

He doesn't put up much of an argument...or much of anything else, really.

He was able to sign his own name. He didn't know what month, day or year it was, though.

The cute cop had to tell him.

Funny thing though....the drugged out inmate DID have the presence of mind to ask me if he was gonna have to pay for the test......

As I was driving away from the last collection.....in my cute little car....listening to Stevie Wonder....thanking GOD that I didn't have to work in a jail....I decided that I needed to buy something.

You know...to help erase the images of the "husband and wife"....the doo rag....the barefoot, drugged out inmate....the smells of the jail.

They all smell, you know.

The jails.

And sometimes the inmates.

Anyway.....

This is what I bought:

Cutastic red bag to go with all my black fall/winter clothes

~and~

big hoop cheetah print earrings.

Oh! And I made myself an appointment for a facial.

*sigh*

Y'all just don't know how much better I feel.

This is all I've got.....

because I cleaned out my closets (again) today.....

*thanks, Little P, for the image!

Adventures in DNA collection: Let Down Edition

Y'all....I am SO sorry.

DNA collections this month were kinda dull.....hardly anyone showed up...no one acted too stupid....nothing really funny was said....

Basically what I'm saying is that my welfare mamas and baby daddies let me down, damn it!

However, in an effort not to let y'all down too terrible much I offer the following:

Actual First Names of Children Tested:

Raquarius

Rashandis

Dahkiejre

My Personal Favorite Actual First Name of Alleged Father Tested:

'Trance'

Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!

.....and....just because I love y'all so much, the following is an actual conversation that I had with a "mother" I tested. The quotation marks are used because my dog Buster would be a better mother than this broad.....

Scene: Mother in with three children all to be test. The children are ages 12, 11 and 7. Their appointment time with me was 10:00 a.m. Father in jail.

I asked the mother if she needed a letter of excuse for the children (for school) , she said yes, but that she was keeping them out all day.

When I looked puzzled, she explained that she's looking for a new place for them to live.

I responded by saying that I thought it would be much easier to house hunt on her own.

Her reply: "But it's so much more fun with the kids!"

*end scene

Well.....just so long as the "mother" is entertained....who gives a shit if the kids miss a day of school!

Stupid bitch!

Here is a bumper sticker just for her....

I'll need more than one of these

because I'm DNA testing for today and tomorrow.

All day.

Both days.

November?

Really?

I've been so out of it the last few days....I forget what day of the week it is...much less what month it is....

Lots going on today...

1. DNA testing in Geneva County.

2. Physical therapy for my back this afternoon...

3. Bridal shower at a Baptist Church this evening

Out of all that, something good should happen that I can tell y'all about.

In the meantime...check out my new favorite site

Lolsecretz

I go there everyday now and never fail to laugh my ass off.

Seriously.

It's that good.

Even when I'm not on drugs.


p.s. I wonder if Judy Blume knows about this????

I hate Blogger: Fall Festival Edition

Damn it! Even in my drug induced haze, I managed to churn out a post and god damn Blogger ate the thing! Shit!

Anyway.....after all my whining of Friday night/Saturday morning....I woke up at 7:30 feeling somewhat better and decided to go to the Fall Festival here in Hell as planned.

Going and partaking in the festivities for 4 hours Saturday was a mistake.

I paid for it in back pain not unlike labor pains......only without that precious baby being handed to you when the pain finally stops.

Since Saturday evening around 6 p.m. I've been knocked out on a new combination of drugs. Seriously...I doubt that I was awake for a total of 3 hours all day Sunday!

I'm still in bed, but my back feels better today.....still hurts....but not nearly as bad.

Before I pass out again....her are some pictures I took.

What other town do you know of that has a memorial
to an insect?

Me and Mr. Pig.....of Piggly Wiggly fame...

I know! There is a certain irony in the fact that I ate
a BBQ sandwich for lunch right after
I posed with Mr. Pig.

I was trying to get a picture of the candy corn balloon but the
wind failed to cooperate.

Who doesn't love a choo-choo?

Strike a pose....

I LOVE how her balloon matches her outfit!

I can almost guarantee you that no one who actually attended
Auburn University would own one of these hideous things!

One of my favorite color combinations.
Where has all the ric-rac gone?
You just never see it anymore...

This thing took my prize as "Ugliest Item for Sale"
Seriously....who would store their toilet paper in that?

Aqui en la casa, we store ours in a cabinet.....
but maybe I'm just old-fashioned that way...

See the butterfly that landed in the lower right
hand corner of the cone?

'maters, pumpkins and gourds....

Yes, I look messed up as I eat my home made ice cream
I was on drugs, remember?