blood moon...

Did anyone see it? My roomie works nights and said it was incredible. It seems so appropriate to me. I am cycling with the moon again and this month the lead up was insane and then it turns out to be a true blood moon. Then Mega Millions rolled over yesterday to over 325 million. I am buying tickets today I swear it.

I am also trying to figure out what my plan of action is. I am looking at injectable IUI cycles at the fertility clinic and it would be out of pocket about 2 grand per cycle. I do not have trouble with egg finding sperm or timing, I have trouble with old eggs. So I have been looking into IVF in Mexico since I could drive down. If Sara or Calliope or any of the IVP women ever wanna go do a girls week/month and get matching IVF's together let me know.

My conundrum is this. Do I spend 2 grand for an IUI or 4 for an IVF? It will also pretty hard to do with a child in tow if I am in Mexico, and my roomie could probably come for a short time but it is all a lot to figure out. I hate when money has to come into consideration in all of this, but it is the reality and it does.

Anyhow I am heavily flowing preparing for this months try and planning another little get away with Bliss during the 2ww. I am trying not to be too down, it is hard though.

argh...

I ran some errands today, nothing new, do it all the time. But today I kept crying. I put on some Pink to listen to thinking kick-ass music would help and I cried through it. Every time I got in my truck I began crying more. Then I would get out, run an errand, and back in. At one store, in an elevator, an elderly woman and her son were the only ones in with me and we made humorous small talk and I found myself thinking "see you can lighten up and enjoy an everyday moment" and then the woman exclaimed, out of the blue "BABY DAY!" I said "excuse me?" and she said "The store is having a baby day soon (pointing to a flyer on the elevator wall) I just LOVE babies!" I smiled and high tailed it out of there.

I was finally on my way home, Bliss was home with my roomie playing and watching movies, I was missing him like crazy (yes I am a very clingy mama who rarely leaves her child for a minute and it is one additional reason I want/need to have another child so I do not smother him to death) and crying from that and then I realized I was near Whole Foods, which is across town from where I live, so I decided to pop in for some take out lunch. I ran in to get some curry and coconut rice and some Fage yoghurt and low and behold Whole Foods is having their very own Baby Day with tables set up and yes you guessed it, tons of kids. I got my food and drove home crying and screaming the words to Pinks "Long Way To Happy" song.

I am assuming my period is nearing and it is adding to my emotional state but I feel like I cannot catch a break in my head and heart right now. I am raw and hurting and worried about ending up facing IVF when I honestly cannot afford it. I am frustrated and have a secret fear it is because I am so fat that I am not pregnant (I got pregnant after I lost all that weight then gained it back and lost the baby) and I am getting angry as well. I am angry that my love, my child asked me today why he can't meet his grandma and I had to explain that my mother won't let me see her and he asked if we could call to which I had to tell him no, that my mother wasn't very nice and wouldn't let me call either. I am angry I do not have free fresh sperm available to me on demand, even though I am gay and do not even want to be in a relationship at all with any gender. I am angry that I am so frozen in the IF but I am unable and/or unwilling to focus on anything else. I am angry I cannot move to Canada for 18 more months even though it is nobody's fault.

I am rambling, trying to purge, and that isn't even coming out right or helpful.

what i would also like...

is $100,000

12 dpo...

negative

9:19 pm...

i am gutted
absolutely soul wrenchingly gutted
i know it is still early
i would love to feel silly tomorrow or the next day
but tonight
right now
it hurts so bad my bones are aching
my head screams at me every crappy thing anyone has ever said about me ttc
my heart fears never getting to feel a baby move in me again
oh goddess i want that again
i know i am so fortunate
i am so blessed
but my entire life is on hold
fuck telling me i should get on
fuck telling me it'll happen when it should
fuck every positive and negative comment ever
about my eggs, my fat, my hormones, my antibodies, my age, my ability to ovulate on my own
i just want this, i need this, he needs this
our family i have worked so hard to create needs this
no matter how hard i tried
no matter what i told myself
it still guts me
there is no avoiding it
no getting around it
these tears down my face, over my chest and sore breasts
they don't stop
i play bargaining games with every god i can think of
i come up with new scientific methods to put my body through next time
if i shift a day here
if i add a drug there
maybe my altar needs a clearing and re-arranging
yeah that's it
dust off and move some things
smudge it and all will be well
there is no possibility of not having another baby for me
it is not even in my realm of maybe per chance
it is not even the forethought of an idea
it is just this endless trying
this pain in 2 week doses
this hope and longing and wishing and praying and utter devastation
over and over and over







i am gutted

11 dpo...

negative

what there is...

there is the sore nipples for more than the past week
there is the left breast engorging (why only one?)
there is the slight increase in smell which leads to
the fact that my urine smells vaguely like cat pee
there is the being so so very hot (even with AC I had to buy a new fan)
there is the tiredness
there is the out-of-breath-ness
there is the shorter than short fuse
there is the slight crampiness
and all of this means...

nothing


yet

I will start testing tomorrow
the thing is
I feel pregnant and dammit that just isn't ok
it breeds hope
it fucks with my head
it could very well all be progesterone induced symptoms
it makes me so nervous
I want this so badly

I know I know if I had a nickel...

breathe

100th post...

Something witty.

i'm just asking...

So I am in the 2ww again.
I am happy to be here.
I had my insem last night.
So let me ask you.
Doing the whole legs and hips up after,
on a memory foam bed...
Is it as impossible for others as it is for me?
Pain the the friggin ass.
That's all I am saying.

i'm here...

I am around. I am waiting to O.
I am feeling positive about this month for various reasons but I am not in too much of a talkative mood. If you knew me you would fall over hearing me say that.

I am also very close to my 100th post which, of course, just adds the pressure, or I add the pressure.

Anyhow, I will post more after O and insem. Until then radio silence most likely.