5 dpo...

This whole business of TTC can really play mind games with ya. I am aware of this. I am not new to this. I know how much my mind can affect my body. I know what it is like to feel pregnant and get a negative HPT. I know what it feel like to hope and wish and what it feels like to have no hope.

But I am a science mind and I try to figure things out and make sense of things from a biological standpoint. I have been on progesterone during almost all of my TTC. I have low progesterone, I always have. These days I am not taking a ton, just on suppository a day. Before when I was taking 2-3 I had tons of symptoms which were from the progesterone. When I had my m/c the pregnancy symptoms ended almost completely within 24 hours of stopping the progesterone.

Last month I was taking the same amount I am this month. Last month my breasts never even twinged. This month the nipples began hurting before I even began the progesterone. But it was way to early to be feeling something. A day after ovulation is just too soon. Each day since my nipples have gotten worse.

I don't want the mind games, I just want to understand why sometimes they hurt and sometimes they don't. If this turns out to be my cycle I get my birthday wish, fantastic, but I know how easily it can go the other way. So I just want to understand why, how, what for.

Basically I want to not build up to much in my head and remain same for the next week.

tidbits...

I swiped this IF icon from a site. I have no idea if it is ok. I just liked the pretty candle and how it changes colors.

I had ovulation spotting. Never have I had it before. I was in a panic for a bit until I read up that it could be a very positive sign of fertility. I am going with that.

My nipples hurt yesterday and this morning. Way to early for it but strange and interesting.

If I have you on my blogroll, or comment on your blog, and you have gone private, and you wouldn't mind me reading, PLEASE PLEASE invite me. I feel like I keep having blogs go private with no way for me to email a request and my paranoid psyche thinks it is a conspiracy against me. I often believe I offend others without knowing, or that people are secretly against me in an organized fashion. It stems from my mother telling me all my friends really hated me but wouldn't say it to my face, all throughout my childhood. I know it is some bent form of neurosis and narcissism but work with me people. Please.


I have been doing my eating plan for a week. I took Sunday off but went back to it today. I am not sure every Sunday will be off, maybe every other, but it is still a work in progress. I am trying for something I can live with, not just suffer through for a short time.

Bliss informed me this morning that he likes his computer games and candy and wanted both for breakfast. I said no and informed him he would have the usual fruit and sausage and a croissant and only a half hour of computer games. He then asked for one that will not run on his computer. I told him I had to take a bunch off his computer for it to work to which he replied yes please. Then he informed me it was his favorite game. (It is a Donald Duck game in actuality he never plays for long because it frustrates him immensely) I told him it wasn't his favorite game, that he usually didn't really like it anyways. He then tells me, and I quote, "Well mama it is because I am a sad child." I almost choked and asked why that was, and was he not happy, he said "MAMA, I 'get' happy, but I am a sad child." WTF???? He is a very happy kid and cracks me up to no end. He then told me he loved me and kissed me 20 times. All I kept thinking is how much I love my life. I am so lucky to know this being.

0 dpo...

I did the first insem last night and will do the second and last tonight.
Today is 0 dpo and I am glad to be back in the TWW. Testing day will be the 4th of July which is interesting.

I found some stuff on the whole E2 thing that said it could be normal so I am choosing not to freak out.

In other news we got our Visa's back from the Canadian Consulate. We have booked our tickets for July 11th to fly up to Vancouver to get our landing papers signed. We are doing only a day trip as it is really just a formality and we do not want to spend a bunch on hotels and whatnot at this time. We ARE going to go up very very early, landing by 8am, and after the immigration stuff we will venture to the Vancouver Aquarium and the Seabus and Granville Island and make a day of it, then come back on a flight that night. Bliss will be in heaven.

I have also decided to go to Mississippi to see some dear friends. Only Bliss and I will be going, flying in to New Orleans and spending a week or two with them. If things go well we may hook up with them on a business venture and we may spend a month or more. I can always get a tank sent there if this month isn't the magic one. I have been many places but never to New Orleans or Mississippi so it should be fun. They are right near the water so Bliss should have fun as well.

I have been doing really well on my eating plan and with journalling my food intake. I have also been doing an hour 5 days a week uphill on the treadmill so I am pleased with that. I am planning on having Sunday's off for my eating plan, we will see how that goes. I have noticed some more energy this week which is good, but I am also amped about getting our Canada stuff all finished and planned so I will see how I feel after another week.

results...

I was on the treadmill when the phone rang. It was the doctors office, but they were calling me to ask if they could change a July appointment time. I said sure and then asked the woman about my results. She looked and after what seemed like forever read a note saying the doc said to call and say my results were normal.

I thanked her and asked for numbers. I have long since learned to get specifics.

Now I am not sure how I feel. Any info would be greatly appreciated.

My cd 3 results:

FSH 4.3

E2 118


My cd 10 results:

FSH 10.8

E2 614


I was pretty ok with the FSH but the Estrogen results are so high. Then I read up and saw an elevated E2 can suppress an FSH meaning you actually have elevated FSH but it is not showing up because of the high E2.

I am holding onto the fact that my doc wrote it was normal but it still concerns me. I am not sure she will be calling me herself today or at all about the results so any experience with this from all you great women in the trenches would be very appreciated.

looking for a fix...

I had a really nice birthday. I spent the day with Bliss, which is the best way I could ever think of spending any day. He said Happy Birthday without being told this year, it was really special. He also sang a tiny bit all of his own accord which almost brought me to tears.

I did not get a call from the doc on my test and I let it go thinking it was how it was meant to be. I called this morning and asked for a call back which I did not get. I found out later my doc was out today. She has been out of the office a lot this week apparently. I am going a bit buggy now but hopefully I will hear from her early tomorrow.

I also began a new eating plan today. I have been doing the treadmill 4-5 times a week for almost a month now and I am finally trying to get the food thing going better.

I need to find a new "fix" for myself. When I was young I went through my drinking and drugs period, neither of which is even remotely interesting or an option now. If I have one drink a month I am doing well in the wild department these days. I went through a sex for a "fix" phase at times in my life. Not an option at the moment but I reserve the right to go there again in 5 or 10 years. I was a cigarette smoker for years and that was a really good "fix" for me but I stopped when I got pregnant and would not go back while raising Bliss or any other child. It is amazing because I still miss it, even over 5 years later. I reserve the right to take that up again when I am 80 if I want. Shopping is not really a good one because I am not wealthy and have no desire for new clothes at this weight.

Some people may say I should get around needing a "fix" and that is the ideal, but in the mean time I want to try and get away from using food for that purpose. It is especially important for when things go wrong or really stressful. When got pregnant I got stressed worrying about a m/c and then I had the m/c and got even more bent. That is the time I want to find something else to use for a "fix."

My dream would be to use meditation for it, but I feel like it will be a long road to get to that. I have relatives and friends who can use exercise for a "fix." That will never be the case for me. I feel better when I work out in an way, and it helps my self esteem, but it doesn't give me that feeling of safety and comfort food does.

I am working on this right now, and the best I can come up with so far is to just "sit with it" when the shit comes up. For now I hope I can do just that.

I am a work in progress.

I am trying to make lifestyle changes. I am trying to get my weight back down so I can feel healthy and be able to have energy and keep up with Bliss.

I did great today.

my day so far...

I wake up today thinking I will get some errands done, get my blood work done, and stop by a new Greek Cafe opening for lunch.

Then the mother of all hot flashes hit. It just kept going and going and going, getting stronger and stronger. I got out a mister and in a 70 degree house misted myself for over 20 minutes to cool down. Bliss helped thinking it was a fun game. Ha!

Then we took off to run errands. When I got to the lab the line wasn't bad which is nice on a Monday. They call me up to say the second set of blood work wasn't in the computer and hadn't been ordered. I called my docs office. The person who answered informed me my doctor would not be in til 3pm. OK then please get the NP, well she isn't in on Monday's. OK then may I please have the doctor on call, you see I am in the middle of a Clomid Challenge Test and have to have a cd10 draw. I am told she doesn't know who is on call. This is a big practice, lots of pregnant women, hello?? So they say to call the advice nurse for the practice, that she can send in the order.

I call the other office where the advice nurse is located and am told there are 2 people ahead of my on the phone. So I am still doing errands, and on hold over 25 minutes and then when I went into Target the call got dropped. So I get my stuff done there and call back and wait another 10-15 minutes and finally get the advice nurse. I explain the situation, just need a repeat FSH and Estradiol test. She says why are you wanting the test on cd 10 it should be on cd21. I explain no, it is on cd3 and cd10 and that I get the blood draw before I begin taking my Estrogen pills. She then asks why on earth I am taking estrogen. I say it is normal Clomid protocol. She says she works with 9 OB's who are all RE's and has never heard of a cd10 blood test for a CCTT and that she will not request anything so out of the ordinary and that my doctor has to be the one to order it. I ask her to leave a message and hang up.

I get the food, yum, and go home and wait until 3pm and call the doctors office again. This time a very normal nice woman answers and understands that yes this is quite a problem and yes I DO need to have it done today and says she will get the message to the doc and call me back and do it all before the lab closes at 5pm.

I get a call less than a half hour later by the same nice woman explaining the doc had seen the advice nurses message and ordered the test and that she was faxing the order right then. I told her what had happened and she asked if I would please repeat it all again for the advice nurse supervisor. I said sure and did just that.

I then went and got the blood drawn. I got home at 4:30pm.

I then got a call from my dear dear friend whose house I was going to tomorrow to swim in her new pool on my b-day. She told me she had to go in to work tomorrow unexpectedly and could we change it to Wednesday. It is fine and no big deal but it just seems to add to my day.

I feel like I just want to cry for a few hours. All of this happening the day before my birthday shouldn't make a bit of difference but somehow it does.

I will have a good cry before bed and try and release all this crap.

I somehow want tomorrow to be more, or mean more or something. Like starting tomorrow no bad food shall pass my lips, I shall be self actualized and begin my healthy path with a renewed focus on health and spirituality.

It's just not gonna happen. I am gonna bake a homemade cherry pie, and probably eat a nice steak and veggies and baked potato. But I will do the treadmill.

I am not in a great mood.

time going by slowly...

I am not taking Clomid next month.

Hopefully I won't need it, but I am taking a month off either way.

I have had less side effects than many and more than a few. It has not been unbearable, but it has definitely been annoying. The hotter than hell then freezing my ass off over and over is so maddening. The moods have not been the worst they could be but I am certainly snappish much more than I am used to and it makes me feel very badly for my son and roomie when I find myself answering simple questions with snaps back instead of simple replies.

I am hoping this month will be the magic one being my birth month and all, but I am taking a break from it for a month either way.

I will be 40 in 2 days.

I am ok with it for the most part, but ,ack, it sounds like someone else, not like me. I hear people all the time say they feel 19 inside, even in their 60's. I had a rough time when I was younger. I wasn't very happy. Inside I feel 30. I think I will always feel 30. Everything in my life changed directions at 30 and it was all for the better.

I get maudlin for 2 weeks before my birthday each year. This year is no exception.

Tomorrow is the second blood test of my Clomid Challenge. I will most likely hear the results on my actual birthday on Tuesday.

blah

ouch...

I am on cd3.
I went in for my first blood work for the Clomid Challenge Test today.

I am so sore. I spent the past two days cleaning out the garage. We went and got more shelving yesterday and then emptied out so much stuff. I have a lot I am saving for the next baby, but I had a lot I needed to just get rid of. I took an entire truckload to Goodwill today. They needed 4 carts to get it all, and their carts are huge. Then I went back home and re-loaded the truck and took another entire truckload to the recycling center.

The shelves I got are those Gorilla Rack ones you put together with just a rubber mallet. I love them. I got four new ones and putting them together strained every damn muscle in my back. Then unloading and re-organizing and sorting and reloading all those shelves just about killed me. I have a lot of space now. I also put up a lot above the rafters in the garage.

I have some more sorting to do but it is just about 10 boxes of paperwork and 2 large bins of clothes that I know I will never fit into again. I just need to let them all go but I will sort through them over the next day or two.

Meanwhile I am hobbling around barely able to walk. It is comical how truly aching my body feels.

I cannot believe I will be 40 in 8 days.

I know what I want.

what now...

Negative. I knew it would be. I realize it is only day 11/12 but I know my body.

I called my doc today. She called back before noon, goddess love her. She says we should do a Clomid Challenge Test to see if it is still working for me and to see if we get any indicators of current fertility, reserves, and if things are pointing towards injectables. I can so not afford to go that route, but will charge it and do so if it is indicated.

The plan is day 3 blood work, then Clomid 100mg from days 5-9 (I usually take it 3-7) and then day 10 blood work in the morning followed by Estrogen starting that evening. I cannot get blood drawn on Sunday's so I am hoping things time out OK. I also can never decide when to count CD1 with how my periods are lately. I start some heavy spotting or light flow and that can last 1-2 days then I go into my hemorrhaging. I am thinking the best idea is to start counting whichever way assures me that CD3 and CD10 do not fall on a Sunday.

I also have to figure out what to do with my order this month. If my Challenge comes back badly it may be silly to inseminate, but this month I am due to ovulate on my 40th birthday which seems kind of neat. Since I have to have it shipped I have to order in advance a bit more than CD11 so I can't really wait for results. So it may be a waste of $700 if I order and make for a very big bummer b-day, but if the results come back good I don't want to not inseminate, especially being my 40th and all.

So I am bummed. I am glad my doc is working with me. I am glad I am moving forward, but I am bummed.

I woke up about 6:30 and tested and then went back to bed. Bliss rolled over and cuddled which made life better, let's face it. I am so lucky to have him. Once we woke up about an hour later and had our morning kisses I told him I wanted to talk. I cried a bit and told him I wasn't pregnant, again. I told him I was so sad and was trying so hard and that it frustrated me so much. He told me it was OK and that he knew I was trying my hardest. I told him I would keep trying and he said OK, that's good. So we are open about it and it helps us both, I truly believe, to do so.

I am also realizing I am in deep need of a real time friend who has been through it, but I just don't have one. To top that off secondary infertility is such a complicated issue for others it seems. So many tell me I should be happy I have one. I am. So many ask if I am going to keep trying. Duh. So many think I am getting to old. Fuck off. This will be my 12th try this month but it has been over a year and a half because of my break for my thyroid completion surgery. This will be my fourth month on Clomid this time around. I am in such need of venting and getting that positive supportive feedback. And it does come here in Blog Land, even on some BBS. But the thing is, the thing I crave, is the eyes. The eyes that look into your own and convey that soul knowledge. That convey the understanding of just exactly what you are saying, of what it is like to go through this. I wish I had that right now, because it is so lonely here sometimes.

As far as venting though, well I sure do seem able to do that lately. So thanks to any and all who read my blog, thanks for listening, for commenting, for hearing my pain, It does make a difference as well, even if I don't sound like I think that very often.

on the eve of testing...

SO tomorrow I start testing.
(on a side note, I enjoy starting sentences with "so", deal with it)
I am close to tears tonight.
I do not feel like I may be pregnant.
I do not feel hopeful.
My breasts have showed signs with 3 previous pregnancies.
Now they feel nothing.
This is my third try since the m/c.
It is breaking my heart.
Truly breaking my heart.
Each month that passes.
Every dollar shelled out to try all down the drain.
I got pregnant with Bliss my first try back after a 3 cycle wait.
I am just so disappointed.
For myself as a woman,
for myself as a mother.
For Bliss.
(now the tears fall)
I will test and keep trying,
and see the doctor again.
But it is so unfair.
The only place I can go.
The only place where I can let this all out,
to people who truly understand, is here.
It sucks.
It hurts.
It aches.
It burns.


It hurts.

good news in the interim...

I have been pretty quiet. I am in the 2ww and hoping my boobs start swelling and getting sore, playing mindgames with myself and blah blah the usual.

I got a call Wednesday from the lawyers office and we got approved!!!!!!! The Canadian Consulate General has requested our passports and we are getting our landing papers. I am over the moon about this. It has been an over 2 year process so it feels really good to get this finally. It also feels like getting asked to dance at a Jr. High dance. They like me they really like me!!!!!!!!

We aren't moving up there until spring of 2009 because my roomie/friend retires then, but we will have permanent residence status and I will get to raise Bliss in a country that doesn't bully the world and send it's boys and girls to their death to line rich white men's pockets. I will get to raise him where I don't worry about getting shot on the freeway by a pissed of driver. I will get to raise him in the country, on a farm (hopefully) and with a wilderness for a back yard.

I have this running image in my head of him at 10 and me telling him he isn't allowed back inside for a few hours. He will roam around, discover, play, and I won't worry about if gang bangers are down the street.

I will also look forward to one of the top rated educations in the world. I may not want to home school forever.

So I am happy and relieved. It was a nice treat for this 2ww.