wishing...

I did the insemination on Saturday night.

Now on to the wishing.

trying to get this out...

I have a LOT of anxiety as inseminating draws nearer. I am anxious about just trying again as it brings the miscarriage up in my mind and makes it feel more recent and raw. I am anxious about trying and not getting pregnant the first try, or for multiple tries. I am ALSO anxious about getting pregnant the first try or within the first 1-2 tries. I am anxious about being pregnant again and not getting pregnant, again, and it is FUCKED!!!!!!!!!

I HATE that all I seem to want to do is fixate with either shopping or eating yummy but fattening comfort foods.

I HATE that I can't seem to do even a half hour on the treadmill, and it is something I truly enjoy.

I HATE that I have gained back to much of the weight I worked so very hard to lose and for the first time in my life have become a yo-yo dieter.

I HATE that I feel like any possible joy I could have about getting pregnant has been forever taken from me.

I HATE that I feel dread at thinking about my first trimester of pregnancy.


If and when (note the positive thinking on my part) I get pregnant again, how do I even begin to go through the first trimester. It is all shit. I feel like the whole thing is blown before it even gets here. Sheer misery during what should be a joyous time. This recent pregnancy was plagued by so much fear, especially at the start. I had few happy moments and spent most of the time feeling like I was holding my breath. I thought I did well to boot. I had real happy moments, and moments of feeling so lucky and like all was well and would be.

This recent pregnancy was over 5 years since my last miscarriage. Now I am trying again after only one full cycle, and after knowing even with progesterone things can go horribly wrong. Now how am I to find comfort, peace, sleep, breath? It is such a crock. I can say I will do the meditation cd's again, and the guided imagery. I will try and stay busy. I will work on my beliefs that the Universe has a plan for me, that the Goddess knows what she is doing. Try working on my flailing Buddhist studies and not grasp so desperately to all that desire.

BULLSHIT.

There is no way around it, and I am pissed. I feel cheated before I am even there again, but please don't mistake me, I so desperately want to be there again. I want to be terrified and miserable, and having nightmares. I want it all because it will mean I am pregnant and there is the possibility, the hope, that it will stick and grow OK and I will end up with a baby.

But I am so lost as to how to get through that first trimester if not longer.

All of these thoughts have been keeping me up nights. They have been causing me to feel anxious and snappish and frustrated. I feel off balance and frankly do not really know how to deal with it.

But I am trying, and my first step was writing it out here.

on to "e"...

I finished my last Clomid last night. I am glad. I am lucky not to have extreme side effects from it but I have been having insomnia and I am choosing to believe it is from the Clomid. It was strange that I am on a higher dose and did not have hot flashes 20 minutes after taking this time. That happened before.

Tonight I begin taking Estrogen for 5 days.

My period is also finally over. My word it was heavy.

I have also ordered my vial, I am only doing one vial this time. I usually only have ever done one. This last pregnancy I had done 2 but the second insem was almost moot when I found my cervix had already closed and tilted back.

I made a nice Irish meal yesterday and even had a small glass of champagne. Bliss decided that he was done with all things green and wasn't interested in the green jello shapes I made him. He is not yet into jello which is fine, but I am not much into it either so it was rather a waste. lol Oh well, it was fun to try for him.

I am still isolating and really trying to work on it but other than that I feel pretty good, both physically and emotionally.

flooding...

I use a Diva Cup. I love it. It had lessened my cramps, of which I have an awful history. It is easy. I don't have to worry about running out of supplies. It also has an added bonus of letting one who is curious about all things biological know exactly how much blood loss her period is.

I have always had heavy periods. Sometimes very heavy as in a super plus tampon every 45-60 minutes. I now know I do not fall into the "normal ranges" category of losing 1-3 ounces total during her entire period. I usually lose more like 8-12 ounces. I am used to this and deal with it.

This period, however, is not falling into my usual category either. Last night I was emptying my cup every hour and it was overflowing each time. That is an ounce an hour. I was up at 2:20, 3:30, 4:15, and 5:25 and each time I was an overflowing mess. In the past 24 hours I have lost over 16 ounces, just in 24 hours, not since my period started. I called the doc and he said if I got to the "big gulp" amount that I should call back. He first said a "big mason jar" and then changed to "big gulp". I liked mason jar better, I am not a big gulp kinda gal. The doc on call for my OBGYN was the same doc who did my D&C so that was cool. He also said if I wanted he could "abort my period with starting me on birth control pills". No thank you. I am supposed to start Clomid tonight and do not have any interest in messing with this cycle. I am sure the fact that I am on Aspirin therapy isn't helping matters as my flow is very "flowy" of that makes sense. It isn't thick at all. No clots.

He was very kind and told me when to be concerned and what to look for. I am OK. I am upping my protein and iron intake today. I am tired and a bit loopy but OK. I was thinking though, your period is your lining sloughing off. So how can it be "bleeding" technically. Apparently it can be but I am not sure how. It would seem like I just grew a HUGE lining since the D&C but if the doc said it can be dangerous at that magic "mason jar" quantity, what exactly is the danger? Is it actually bleeding, as in a loss of total blood volume in your body? These are things I wonder at 4 am.

Other thing. My OBGYN gave me new Rx's for the Clomid/estrogen/progesterone trio. When she wrote them the other day we had assumed I was on 150mg of Clomid. I just realized that I had been on 100mg of Clomid before, not 150mg. So do I take the 150 this time or only the 100. I think the only reason the amount is upped is because we recalled incorrectly and didn't check the past Rx. Part of me thinks oh just take what you did before, but part of me says, well you WERE prescribed this amount so you should take it. I start tonight either way.

Enough rambling I have to get back to the bathroom before another flood.

flowing...

So it is here. I am back in the game it seems. It came back earlier than I thought. It has been 4 weeks since the D&C. I somehow figured it would take 6 weeks.

I am filled with emotions. I am happy to be able to start TTC again. I am worried if I don't get pregnant soon, and if I do.

I DO feel like with my flow came some vitality though. I worked in the yard today, hard and long. I did all the weed eating both back and front. I used my new blower/vac to suck up all the leaves and debris from that. I mowed both the back and front yard as well. It felt good to sweat and be filthy and then take a cool shower and clean off. It felt like a new start.

I am back on the road to having another child. Back on my journey. I felt like I was in limbo this past month. I have never done well in any kind of limbo, but I handled this one with grace and am allowing myself to be proud of me.

I am still going through the stages of grief, but they are OK.

I am OK.

I am flowing.

Yeah.

blah blah blah...

I am feeling better. It was by far the worst food poisoning I have ever had. I am in a holding pattern right now waiting for my flow. I am also obsessing with craft items. If I become brave I will take a picture of the ridiculous amounts of craft items I have bought to try and get Bliss into crafts, and post it here. We shall see.

We are having fun and it is a good break from all things computer related. We do not do standard video games but he does have his own laptop and is WAY to into it. We have set limits but we needed to break things up with new fun interests and I am determined to feed his inner artist. It may be working, the other morning he woke up and went to the playroom and turned his keyboard on and played for the first time in ages.

I have many things that need my attention but I do not seem motivated to do them, I am working on it.

out of commission...

intense, awful, horrid, extremely painful food poisoning
all i had was pre-cooked salmon from my favorite market
and a homemade tofu veggie stir-fry i made earlier
the abdominal cramping was almost as severe as when i had gall bladder attacks
it comes on in waves like contractions, reminding me of labor

even food poisoning reminds me about birth

ugh