trying

I got four positive hpt's. They were definate, not wishful thinking. I have never had even a glimmer of a false positive. I had my roomie check and doublecheck to make sure I wasn't losing my mind. I am beyond upset, but there is nothing I can do. It was the last chance to have the same donor. It crushes me.
I am trying to believe there is something better down the road planned. I am trying to believe that this wish wasn't granted and that one day it will all make sense.

I am trying.

Today I have lots of cramps, it feels like the witch is coming, but not even a hint of spotting yet. So, of course, it is more waiting. I took a digital this morning and it read "not pregnant." I think I will only use those in the future if I ever do test again, but at this point I am just not sure.

I contacted the new bank to check on a new donor. I really liked the woman I spoke with and she raved about the donor. He is a new donor which I also like. I will fax them my paperwork and be ready for when this cycle ends and I will once again be ttc. This next cycle will be right through x-mas. If I start my period today or tomorrow I will be right around 12 dpo on x-mas which is a bit irritating. I will NOT test until after though, I just do not want any possibility of a downer on that day. But if it happens it would be such a great x-mas gift.

So onward and upward. I am done crying, I think. Yesterday I had cried so much I hit that exhausted/spent threshold where all I could do was stare blankly at my computer screen. Today I woke up bitter and anrgy. I am hoping I am on my way to acceptance by dinner, but who knows. I do know many of my dreams in life never happened like I "wanted" but in the end happened so much better than I could ever have dreamed so I am trying to just see this as one more of those happenstances.

Thank you to a blog from a farmgirl for reminding me about that one.

3

beta












devastated

faint

faint
there
blue yes
pink no
can't breathe
blood
waiting
hoping
begging
pleading
hours
years
tomorrow
answers

mercurius moccus

Today while I was working out I got interrupted. This is not something strange or surprising. I have an almost 4 year old son, I often get interrupted when working out. I was doing my resistance bands lower/middle body routine, with my son chatting away when my roomie called out to me to come to the front yard. The fact that she was interrupting WAS unusual. My roomie is one of the most thoughtful people one could know and does not like to interrupt me when I am working out. It is for that reason that I jumped up and ran outside.

I looked across the street and saw a pig, a large sow actually, on my neighbors lawn. I quickly threw on a shirt over my sports bra, got Bliss dressed and went to investigate. My neighbor was not happy and said it came from around the corner. We live in the burbs, this is not a rural area. The sow had a green line of paint on her back which is a marking from an auction yard. She was obviously going to be someone's feast.

My two dogs, both 11 pound shih-tzu's, were barking at our fence as the pig started to run up the street. As soon as the pig heard my dogs she turned and ran to our fence. She loved my dogs and put her snout through the fence to say hello. I ran inside and grabbed some oats and came back and fed her through the fence. I asked my roomie to unlock our fence and invited the sow inside. She came in and I shut the fence. I felt she was here for a reason.

I should give some interesting facts at this point.

1. Mercury is currently in retrograde and I am a Gemini.
2. I was an Animal Science major for undergrad and have a BS in it.
3. I have a deep love of animals.
4. I am not a vegetarian and worked in a meat packing plant in college.
5. I believe in Animal Medicine.
6. This very morning I had a pork roast thawed waiting to be put in the oven.
7. Just 5 days ago Bliss and I saw Charlotte's Web together for his first time.
8. Because I ate so much turkey when losing all that weight, we are having ham for Thanksgiving.
9. I am a bit conflicted.

So she was in my yard. We got the dogs inside even though she wanted to play with them. We were worried if they got to crazed and frightened her she may kick or bite them and they tiny compared to this pig. She took a minute to get ok with me. I got her some apples and began feeding her on my front steps. (I cannot believe I didn't take any pics) She became very friendly very quickly. She started trying to pull my shirt and sweatpants, and she kept nudging me and being very cute. I had to pull her off my back bumper of my truck because she kept trying to bite part of the wiring connector for my trailer hitch. She also would run along my fence squealing loudly every time a car went by fast. It was hilarious, she was just like a dog. I got her a big water dish but she liked just drinking from the hose. I let her in the backyard and got her some whole grain bread which she also adored.

I had called the police as soon as I had gotten her in our yard and they had contacted Animal Control. I was told if the owners showed up that she was their property and like if I found a dog I would have to give her back. I was also informed that, for religious purposes, it was legal to have a pig and even slaughter it (so long as it is humanely done) in the city limits. I was bummed because I really felt like she got free for a reason and found me for a reason.

After about an hour some people came by saying it was their pig. I told them I had called the police and Animal Control. They said ok and then they got a rope and had me put it around her neck so they could "walk her" back to their house. They said she was for a ritual they were going to be having. I said yes but also for the feast to follow the ritual and they nodded.

I honestly do not have a problem with that. I understand different cultures and customs and have no qualms with it whatsoever. I DID feel like THIS pig was not supposed to end up like that though. As I tried to walk her out my gate she fought back wildly, squealing and then suddenly just stopped and looked me right in the eyes. She had beautiful eyes, especially for a pig. I looked at the people and said she wasn't wanting to be on a leash. To my astonishment they said they were going to go and would be back with a crate. I said ok, and locked my gate back up and went inside trying to reach the Animal Control people again.

I herded her back to the backyard again and this time shut the gate. I then sat with her and gave her some more water from the hose in our backyard. My dogs were at the back sliding glass door barking and she hopped up onto the back patio to be closer to them. She put her snout to the glass as they barked. I fed her some shortbread cookies and basically felt stressed. I was also freaking out because I was feeding her so much and did NOT want to be contributing to "fattening her up." I made a decision. I knew I would not let them back in my yard. I heard someone at our gate and ran inside to peek out to see who was there. I was thrilled to see Animal Control.

I let them in and told them the story. They said that even though it was legal, they would take her in and that if the people showed up before they could leave they would let them know that they were getting a ticket that cost more than the pig did. I was elated.

I pet her some more and then they used a lil leash and tried to coax her out. I knew she wouldn't budge but they had a cattle prod (lil shock stick) and I knew that it was better that she get a lil shock in her butt now instead of a sliced throat later. I asked where she would go and they said they would send her out to a foster facility and she would likely be in the system and not killed. I felt like jumping up and down.

I said goodbye to her and thanked the 2 men and went inside. Bliss asked me if I was going to miss her and I said yes. He said not to worry, that she would be back. He had a fun exciting morning with the pig that came to visit.

I took a shower and then looked up pig medicine to see what the whole encounter was possibly trying to tell me.

The first keyword listed...




fertility.

letting go

I decided to just go down and get the vial on Wednesday and get a room at a B&B and do the last try with that donor up right. I didn't have to worry about timing and my doula could do the insem whenever I decided. Bliss had a blast jumping from bed to bed in the room and roasting marshmallows in the fireplace. I even brought down a bottle of my favorite Prosecco for afterwards. My doula came by and we did a very late-night insem. It was strange, my opk was already fading so if I didn't test three times a day I would have missed this peak this time. I never have such a short peak. Last month longer than ever, this month the opposite. I hope it is an ok sign and this month is just from the Clomid.

I also had my head shaved after. It is only about 1-1.5" long but we actually got a razor and shaved it smooth and bald. It was my way of letting go of it all. I have no control and really need to let go of the results thing. It isn't in my hands anymore. Of course this doesn't mean I won't be starting testing by 8 dpi but it was just a ritual to try and help me let go of the whole "needing to have a baby with the same donor" thing.

I did an opk the next morning and it was negative but just barely. I didn't do anymore after that. I can only wait now. I did wake up boiling hot, I was so hot all that next day I am hoping it meant I ovulated that night or early the following morning. We shall see. Maybe I had some delayed Clomid hot flashes. It was a long lasting one though.

I feel pretty "out of body" since which is just my Gemini way of trying not to freak out. I am also getting ready for Bliss's birthday on Tuesday. I cannot believe he is going to be 4 already. It is shocking how fast time goes by with a kid.

timing

So I got an even opk last night. Today I woke up and it was definately darker, a positive. The confusion now ensues. I used to know my cycles so well. Before I had Bliss I was very knowledgeable with all things pertaining to my body. Now.... eh .... not so much.

Last year when I was ttc with the thyroiditis my cycle was very short and even if I knew it, it wasn't ok so whatever I knew doesn't count. Now, it has been so different since getting healthy. It has slowly been getting better but one month it is 23 days then 26 days then a 24 day cycle. Now on Clomid things are different again and it makes me nuts. As far as opk's I always, even prior to Bliss, would get a line and it would darken and then it would be a definate positive for about 24 hours, then it would fade again. Last month it was darker for over 2 days. That has never happened, but I do not know if that is the new regular thing, or a freak one time event.

I now have to decide when to get inseminated. I am of the mind to either have it done tonight or tomorrow. I am just not sure which is best. If I do it tonight, and I do not O until Friday it will be a lil early. If I do it tomorrow and I O tomorrow it could be a lil too late.

I am so ridiculous I even asked the Magic 8 Ball ( http://8ball.tridelphia.net/ ) which day I should do. It was confused too.

So I will keep doing opk's today and try and figure out when is best. I had a gut feeling I would O tomorrow, but even that is in question now.

ugh

beta?

I keep getting asked to switch to the beta version of blogger. I keep avoiding it because I don't know if it is better or worse and I am quite sure once I switch I won't be able to switch back should I want to. I am tempted but not willing to risk the headache. I also don't know how I feel about being forced to log in using my gmail account whenever I want to blog.

Thoughts?

scattered

I am so scattered of late. I should preface this by explaining I am the High Holy Mindfuck Queen (HHMFQ). I got that blogger tracker thingy and then suddenly aware that someone might actually be reading my drivel I was instantly unable to write anything. So typical. I began this for myself. I wanted an outlet instead of ranting on a bulletin board and then worrying about the replies I get or don't get. I began this so I could purge all the endless feelings I go through on a day to day basis in my head while ttc. I do not care who reads it, truly, it is for me. It is good for me to do something for myself, to take care of myself. It is good for me to express myself without expectations of myself or anyone else.

****brief tangent**** Why is it they do not have a button to change all capped letters back to small. I think you should be able to highlight all the words you just typed in caps by mistake, then hit a button and all the big turn little and little turn big. ****end of tangent****

So I am doing this for me and then I begin to think about someone else reading it and I suddenly think it needs to be witty or clever or some such stupid crap. I stopped myself today though, so good for me.

I put on Indigo Girls "Closer to Fine" and was all set to write and then I couldn't because all I could do is sing that song. My Goddess what a great song that is. I have this personal theory that all lesbians feel that song differently than other people. I actually heard that song for the first time, looooong before I came out, from a woman I knew who was a lesbian. I was terrified that my liking it could mean I was gay. LMAO Now I happen to think it did.

So now all is quiet and I am trying to talk about this week. I have been trying not to build things up in my head for this week. It is a big week for me in that it is my last try to get pregnant with my sons same donor. I know that whatever happens will be OK but it is hard to not to grasp onto that desire. Desire, yes that is so much at the root of so many of my hardships in life. I study Buddhism and am in great need of some work in this area. Desire does indeed lead to suffering for me. So I am working on trying to ground myself, trying to be in the moment and know that if it isn't meant to happen the way I "want" it to, then something better is in the works. I know all this truly on an intellectual level, but emotionally I am 3 and want what I want NOW!

I started the opk's the day after my last Clomid and got an immediate positive with both lines equal. I sorta freaked until I did some obsessive research and found that testing too early after Clomid can get a false positive. The opk's have been fading each day since. I am supposed to ovulate on Tuesday according to my TCOYOF software but am of the mind that it will be a day or two later because of the Clomid. We shall see. Of course HHMFQ that I am I also have a second dialogue running that says I o'd super early from some freak problem with my body and the Clomid and I have missed this month completely. I am doing pretty well with not listening to that one, but it is still there. I am trying to focus on my healthy capable body instead. It is so amazing to me how quickly my head wants to condemn my body. I saw something recently where someone was saying we are not our bodies, we are ourselves, our spirit, our mind, our souls. I am not my body, I get that, I like that. I do NOT want to be my mind either though, it is a fu*ked up lil monster in there often. Always thinking, always judging my body, my spirit, my soul. It is something I work on, and something that is much better than it used to be, but it is also an ongoing process. I remember when I was 13 or 14 I was SURE I would never get my period (I got mine at 15). I was sure I was broken and God or whoever (the way I saw it then) had forgotten me. I think if I had known the Goddess I do today I wouldn't have had so little faith in it, but the God I knew as a child was not a very kind one. I then thought I would never get pregnant and then I did. I then had my m/c and I was convinced I would never get to have a child. I got my biggest wish and dream of my life, every wish in every fountain I had ever thrown pennies into, when I had my son. Truly my greatest life's wish came true with him. Now 4 years later and my head wants to go back down that "I will never get to" road again and I am so determined not to buy into it this time.

So I am waiting to get a positive OPK and then inseminate and then leave it up to the stars to decide what happens. The fact that Mercury is in retrograde and I am a Gemini doesn't help. I wish we had a fireplace so badly. I have this huge desire to sit in a darkened house with a crackling fire going and a nice cup of tea. Now THAT would ground me.

I have been having some cramping all day, it feels like I am about to get my period in a couple days. I am taking it as a good sign, that my ovaries are working overtime growing those follicles. I also went online and checked out some other possible donors if it doesn't happen this month. I have 2 possibilities but really need to read their long profiles before I could know more. I am not sure if I will do that before this cycle plays itself out but I am staying open to all possibilities.

Did I mention I am scattered?

deluge

So the period, the cleansing, came with the rain period was more of a flood. My goddess it was rough. I lost massive clots and over 10 ounces in 2 days ( I use a Diva Cup and can measure pretty easily). I was a bit worried but then it died down real fast. My thinking is that the low progesterone caused the lining to slough off pretty fast, thus the major clot and blood loss.

In other news the Clomid is going fine. I have not had many side effects as of yet. I know I get warm in the middle of the night (I take it before bed) but it doesn't really affect me. I have had to wake up at 3am the last 3 days to pee which is not usual, but no biggie either. I have 2 more days of Clomid and then on to the Estrogen.

I had a dream/nightmare that I had triplet girls. This would be such a cosmic joke but even though I would adore and love any and all children that I am fortunate enough to have, I would worry about Bliss being that outnumbered. We live with his Aunt (chosen family/roommate who will always be our family) and our 2 female dogs Dirt dah Der and Henrietta (Dirt and Henri for short). So were that unlikely feat to happen he would go from 4 to 1 ratio to and instant 7 to 1 ratio. Pretty rough I would imagine. The opposite would be scary as well though. Triplet boys would mean I would never be able to feed all of them when they were teenagers. lol My word can teenage boys eat!!!!!!! Anyhoo I am open to whatever the universe has planned for me but dreams can be pretty shocking.

I am going to try and post some pics soon if I can figure it out.

Tomorrow I am taking my Blissl bowling, there is a lane nearby that has the cutest lil helper ramps for lil kids. I never had that as a kid, it is just adorable. I will see if I can get some pics.

rain sweet rain

So the floodgates opened. It seems fitting that the first rain of the season be timed with the first day of my new cycle. It somehow felt better to be bleeding with the onset of the rain. I took off my clothes and did a dance in the backyard in the rain. A dance of cleansing away the old hope and fear and sorrow. I asked the Goddess to wash away the old and bring forth the new. I asked Soul to come when she/he was ready but I did mention that this month would be wonderful. I also mentioned she/he could bring along another/others too if that was desired. I am open, I am ready and whatever happens is ok.

I start the Clomid tonight (cd3) for five days, to be followed by 5 more of Estrogen which is then followed, after ovulation, by progesterone. I feel like this is all a good effort for this last vial of that dear donor. All I can do is prepare the best I can and if it is meant to be, it will, and if not then something better is down the road.

I was reading a blog I adore recently and the person was talking about how the universe has 3 possible answers to any desire.
1. yes
2. not right now
3. no, but something better is coming
I have been reflecting on this lately. How many times in my past did I want something more than life that I am now so very very grateful I never got. All those times were definately #3. I am trying to apply that knowledge now, to this. I am trying to be aware and present to the notion that if this is to happen with this donor it will, but if it doesn't it will be in order to make room for something better that is coming. It is hard when desire is so strong, but it is what I am working on.

I also realized that my past few posts may leave a lot to be explained. I may never be read by others, but for clarity I will explain a few thing.

In 2001 I had gotten out of a pretty unhealthy relationship. I was 34 and finally ready to start loving myself. I had decided to start trying to get pregnant and did so on the second try. It was October. I had a miscarriage soon after and fell apart pretty quickly. I spent the holidays in a PTSD haze but after a really awful and long bus ride across country, that ended so badly it was humorous, I came home finally ready to start trying again. I tried again in Febuary and got pregnant that first try. I almost lost that baby as well due to progesterone problems at 5 weeks. I was put on bedrest for 10 weeks and I now have an almost 4 year old AMAZING and wonderful son named Bliss Om.

I have a history of thyroid cancer, I had it at 19 and had one lobe, the one with the tumor, removed then. Since then I have taken thyroid hormone and not had much trouble. About 9 months after I gave birth I had my yearly bloodwork done and my (then) Endocrinologist said all was well. The following year when I had it done I was told the same thing. By the year after that, 2005, I was not feeling well, I had no energy, and I still could not lose the baby weight. I was cold all the time, I was starving, and I was miserable. By the time I went in for bloodwork that August I was almost bedridden. I told the doc I was about to start TTC again and wanted to know if I was cleared for it. I felt I had symptoms of being hypothyroid and didn't know what was up. The doc ran tests and said I was fine, my bloodwork was fine and all my symptoms were in my head. I was told to go on a diet and do some exercise and that there was "nothing" indicating I shouldn't start ttc.

I began ttc and nothing, I was feeling worse and by the end of the year and by the time 5 of the 9 vials left in the world of the dear donor were gone I stopped trying. I called the doc and requested all my labwork. I was first told no, then told fine but if I got them I was fired. I said fine, and when I finally got the labwork I was shocked. Way back when my son was 9 months old there were signs of my remaining thyroid lobe getting ill. I had thyroid antibodies of almost 200. By a year later I had thyroid antibodies over 700 and by August they were over 900. Your thyroid antibody level should be at 0 - 50 and anything over 200 is considered problematic. The antibodies cause the body to attack itself, the thyroid and anything else that comes in. In other words, if any of those tries had worked the body would have attacked the embryo before it ever had a chance. I could never, EVER, have sustained a pregnancy.

When I got to my new doctor and had new bloodwork done last January my antibodies were at 1130. My doctor was surprised I could function at all. I had multiple cysts in my remaining lobe and the new doc was pretty sure the cancer was back.

I do not know why that other doc had lied.I have no idea why, with a patient with a history of thyroid cancer, he would have told me the things he did. I still worry about all the elderly he treats (he mostly treats elderly). I keep thinking how many people has he told "it is in your head, you are old, deal with it" to? I truly hope karma visits him for a long stay.

I had the surgery in March of this year. My thyroid was filled with cysts and very sick, but no cancer. After surgery I had a very rough time getting my thyroid levels stabilized. I finally was feeling better by the end of May.

June 1st I began an eating plan to try and lose the weight, finally. I added exercise by mid-July. By the middle of September I had lost 69 pounds. I have energy again and have incorporated exercise into my daily life. My cholesterol is at 144 and my blood pressure is 115/65. I am healthy and proud of myself. I am still technically 15-20 pounds overweight but I am maintaining my weight and ready to start ttc again.

I started back ttc in September and am now on cd 3 of my third cycle back. I am frustrated it isn't happening as easily as before but I am determined to stay positive and keep trying.

I am a single mother by choice.
I am queer, and I am 39 years old.

My name is Bleu.

Hello.

broken..

I am still testing neg. I think if I do not get a positive by Thursday I would say I am definately out.
My doc called today to discuss our plan. She said I "could" still be preggers with those numbers but they weren't good. She also said she was calling in the Rx for the Clomid for this next cycle. I asked exactly how much and she said she preferred not to bother with 50mg and liked to just jump in at 100mg day 3-7. She also said she counts by first show of blood not first full day or heavy. I then asked about taking baby aspirin and B6 for the lining and she said she usually just liked to have her patients take 1mg Estrogen twice a day on days 8-12. I said ok. Actually in my head I said "OK then" with surprise in my voice, but I kept mellow on the phone. I guess when she jumps in she does it full on.
So if I do not get a positive in the next 48 hours or so I should be getting AF by Friday or Saturday. I am still having sore bbs, and they have even "filled in" which is just so strange but whatever. I just can't obsess anymore. I have been doing some soul searching and I think one reason this month is so hard is because last year, when I found out that doc was lying about my labs and that I had thyroid disease, I knew it would mean taking a break, a really long break from ttc. I knew it meant I would have to have surgery and then get healthy, and then lose all that weight, and it was almost a year break, and I worked so damn hard to get where I am today. I am finally healthy and I can FINALLY try again. And then...it isn't working still and it just breaks my heart. But mostly I don't want to fall back down that "my body is broken" road again.

Anyway I am ranting, I had a good cry and I am done.

less hope

It is another day and another negative for me. The bbs are still engorged but not as sore. I went to the pharmacy last night and spent a ton of money on junk, but I also picked up the Clomid and Estrogen for next cycle. The Clomid isn't covered so I paid $53 for it, and yes there is still a chance I won't need it and the money will be wasted, but it made me feel a lil better. I needed to do something to feel proactive when I am feeling so helpless lately. The pharmacist said the Estrogen was a high dose and to take it with food so I don't get sick, so now I know next cycle I will be queasy from before I even have the insemination. Maybe I will be able to ignore my body better because I will be able to blame everything on the Clomid and the Estrogen.?.

Maybe not.

just drained

I am having a rough morning. Last night I had three very vivid dreams of +hpt's. They were the dream in a dream kind where you wake up and realize it was a dream so you get up and POAS and it is + then you realize you are still dreaming etc.
To top that off one of my dogs, my mama dog ( I have mother-daughter shih tzu's) who NEVER sleeps on the bed and on the rare ocassion sleeps at the foot of it only, but 99% of the time sleeps next to it on the floor, got in bed with me last night and insisted on laying against my belly, the whole night. Then I wake up and POAS and it is negative. Then I realize I have gotten the wrong HPT, I thought I had the Inverness sensitive but I find I got the insensitive one that measures >50. I later got a sensitive but still got a negative.
OK so add too all of this very sore boobs and on top of that they have engorged, my left deflated one is inflated. This never happens except when pregnant and that equals still a lot of hope, hope that I don't want, hope that I really don't need right now.
Then I call my doctor to get last Friday's serum progesterone results and...................
a whopping 5.1????????????
So there is major doubt I could be preggers with that low of a level.

So needless to say I am pretty devastated. I know there is a slim chance, but darn it now I have this deep ache of pain in my gut where the hope was.

Sorry to rant, I am just gutted.