I probably should have titled it "Getting a breath of air before being pummeled by a 50 foot wave".
I hit rock bottom...again. I don't know how to explain what I felt. I couldn't eat or sleep or take care of myself or my kids with out help.
When I felt myself falling I was like,
"Okay, I'm serious this time. Call the loony bin and tell them to come pick me up." I was at the end of all my proactive planning. I had no other ideas of how to fight it. I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up until it was over. Everyday was hard every minute was hard. I thought I had been through the worst. I was wrong. Not wrong to hope it would end. Hope was all I had, it had to be enough. It just hurt. Like the worst pain I have ever felt and it consumed my whole body.
PPD was the scariest thing I have ever been through. And I feel safe enough to say I am through it. With the help of soooo many people and three weeks in Michigan with my sister I finally feel free.
It seemed like I had to re-learn what being myself was. For so long I had no interest in anything that I liked or remotely liked, let alone loved... I was existing and breathing but that was about all.
On one of my most terrifying nights when I was overcome with emotional pain and anxiety I recall pleading with God to help me. I felt so broken. I prayed for help and I prayed for him to take away my pain. I felt as if my savior crouched down to my hunched over position and took my face in between his hands. I felt the question "Do you believe that I bore this burden for you?"...I did believe... then I felt him say... "Let me carry it". The rest of that night my pain was taken and my body and mind were peaceful.
The hardest part of this trial has been to trust in the Lord and to trust in his timing. I knew when
I felt at the end of my rope... but
He knew I had more strength and more room to grow. God loves us and he does not step away to watch us burn in life's fires. He stays close. He watches the heat and how long we have been suffering and when we have been refined the trial will come to an end. He knows us and his love is so real. I had to constantly remind myself and pray to feel Gods love.
I am not saying that through this trial I was some pillar of strength and peace... I was frustrated, confused, and hurt. I felt my spiritual strength exhausted and for a few weeks it was hard to draw close to God... when I finally did I realized that he never left or abandoned me but my frustration kept me from feeling that he was right next to me still and never went anywhere. I gave God all the faith I had to give and that was all he asked.
When you fully understand Gods power the trials of life don't seem as threatening.... I'm not quite there yet. I do know now that God has more power than I understood before. I came to the understanding that if God willed it he could, in an instant, remove by burden completely. It didn't happen quite like that. I had to work and search for answers as if all depended on me and yet continue to have faith that God could and would deliver me in his time.
My healing process was like climbing a mountain everyday I was watching my steps and trying not to fall and each day I made a little progress but nothing substantial. Then one day I turned around to look at the view. I had been able to climb much higher than I thought... all of my little steps were adding up. I wanted to get dressed, and wash my hair, maybe make breakfast, get excited to watch a show, feed Benson more, go outside, smile more, laugh, be okay being alone, and the real turning point....thrift shop....okay more like any kind of shop. So, writing on this blog is a step. I love to blog. I had a friend say, "Have you done anything creative? That is when you know you are really back!" So here I am...
back.
