surfacing

This week has been refreshing... a breath of fresh air.
I am so grateful for my husband and my sister Selina and for many friends who care.  I am doing better everyday.
Last Monday I hit a low. Extreme anxiety lead to no sleep which led to depression which led to Zoloft which led to a bad reaction which led to even worse anxiety which led to deeper depression and I kind of wanted to die.
When I wrote my first post about PPD and weepy-ness I had no idea what lay ahead of me.  I thought I was through the worst then I had 5 days of the lowest low of my life.  I can honestly say I hope to never experience anything like that again... the wells of my compassion have deepened... I feel so empathetic for those who suffer from anxiety and depression regularly.  I wanted to pray it away and for God to take my burden.  What I didn't understand about what I was feeling is that it's like a broken arm and I could not expect it to magically heal on it's own...  
I am so grateful for friends and family who have shown me so much love and intervened when I needed it (Brent, Kimberly, Syd, Selina...plus more). When you are in such a dark place it is hard to feel the spirit or comfort... but God didn't leave me comfortless (like I felt).  He sent me angels so I would always know that he was there.

Brent really has been so amazing words cannot express.  I am grateful for him everyday.
He even made the entire Thanksgiving feast last week.  It was incredible....we're talking apple pie's from scratch and a moist delicious turkey.  He totally enjoyed doing it too...

I am grateful for so much...
and right now I feel really grateful that I have survived this last month.  On to December...
PS~Thanks mom for decorating my house. Christmas decor makes me happy.

We missed a really important day

On September 26th Eden turned 2! and on October 8th we had a little party for her.

We had so much fun. It was a costume party for little ones... and it was so fun to see all the kids dressed up. 

Eden was a fun birthday girl and was happy all day.  After she opened her presents she had a blast playing with all the tissue...cause when you have 20 new toys it's all about the tissue... it was so cute to watch her throw the tissue up and spin and giggle until the leg of the little blue chair attacked her (she spun right into it).

She got a bit of a goose egg from it :(

I feel so blessed to have Eden for a daughter. 

She is sassy and sweet, girly and tough, thoughtful and brave.

She is aware of me and so wonderful with Benson.

She was being naughty at the store the other day and I told her that I had fruit snacks (her fave) but I could only give them to her if she was a good girl.  She started to behave and got her snacks... the first thing she did was offer me one because I didn't have any.

She has done this a lot. Worked hard to be good so she can eat her favorite snack then offers them to others before eating one herself.  She has a very kind heart.

She loves mickey mouse clubhouse, little einsteins, rapunzel, coloring, playing crazy with daddy, dancing (with or with out music), peanut butter jelly sandwiches, giving kisses, reading books, playing outside, going down big slides, shoes (her's, mommy's or daddy's), smelling flowers, finding the moon, singing (making up her own words and being very bossy about what mommy and daddy are allowed to sing), baths, barbies, dresses, and chap stick.

We are so blessed to have this sweet girl in our lives and to watch her fun personality unfold more everyday.

love you EDEN CHARLOTTE!!

More pics from Halloween: The most fun day ever!

(Why are holidays with kids sooooo much more fun?)

Thank you

Thank you so much for those of you that left comments on my last post.  It is a relief and a comfort to know other people have felt the same way.  Not like you couldn't see this coming, but I cried reading your comments because I felt so much support and love.  I am happy to report that I am doing better.  My CNM prescribed me with ambien and that has helped a lot with my sleep anxiety and exhaustion (which led to the unstoppable tears).

This motherhood thing is a sacrifice in so many ways. But one thing I know that no sacrifice we make is worthless.  Even feeling so very alone and sad I know that I am becoming closer to the savior and what he felt  although I do not feel grateful for it in the moment.

Thanks again.

here come the water works

Weepy...hmmm, is there a better word to describe what I am?
bawl baby. non-stop crying. constant tears.
It's kind of funny at times when I have no idea why I'm crying. Hubs just laughs at me and I laugh/cry at myself. Today I'm a bigger mess than usual because I didn't sleep lat night.  It wasn't even totally to blame on my 6 day old baby.  I get anxiety after I have my babies.  Baby blues or postpartum I don't know.
My first night in the hospital after I had Benson my body could not shut down. I just couldn't sleep for some reason.  Tears, prayers and an ambien later I fell asleep. It's hard enough not getting sleep due to nursing but when it's your body that won't shut down it's really frustrating.
This is a trial for me. We had a lesson in relief society a few weeks ago about the Jew's and when they reached the red sea after escaping bondage.  God had delivered them thus far from the Egyptians but for some reason they couldn't see how he could deliver them now.  They doubted and feared and assumed they would be murdered by the sea shore.
This is my red sea.
My labor and delivery was miraculously smooth.  I felt God with me every step of the way and thanked him for such a blessing.  Now I am facing this new obstacle that doesn't appear to have any quick fixes and I find myself struggling to have faith in the next day or moment. I am constantly battling "I can't do this" thoughts and chasing away tears every time I am left alone.
So here's what has helped so far... 1. A night time routine for myself to help me unwind and get ready to sleep and having everything ready for night feedings before Benson's last feeding so I can lay down when he does.  2. Reading a talk this morning that provided me with peace and the inspiration to memorize a scripture (Isaiah 41:10) to give me strength when I need it. "The power of scripture" By Elder Richard G. Scott
3. Counting my blessings: (Although this does nothing to help the water works) I just think of how lucky I am to have my sweet, sensitive, helpful, wonderful, husband and pretty much burst into tears... like I am right now as I'm writing this.
It was worse with Eden because I couldn't see the end and I couldn't see myself feeling normal.  But in the bad moments I can't see myself feeling normal again this time either.

Any suggestions? Have you ever felt like this?

Story time

On Friday morning at 3:00 AM I noticed a few hard contractions and a bit of fluid leaking.  Nothing to really worry about but I felt different for some reason. I prayed and remember asking God "is this it?".  I had the strongest feeling that it was the real thing, I also felt peaceful and a bit sleepy so I went back to bed.  At 4:45 I woke again with hard contractions and decided to start timing them. They had been 5 minutes apart for a half hour when Brent's alarm went off to wake up for Army PT.  I asked him if he was getting up.  He said yes.  Then I told him I didn't think he was going in to PT because I was pretty sure I was in labor.  After 45 minutes, a call to my mid-wife, and a hot shower we were ready to leave for the hospital.  Brent's parents arrived in lightning speed and Brent and my father in-law gave me a blessing before we went out the door. The blessing said I would be able to really enjoy this and be in the moment and also assured me that everything would go smoothly.  As I sat there I felt so much peace and more faith than ever before. I knew that the Lord was with me and that this blessing was from him.  I knew that my beloved husband was speaking for God through the power of the priesthood.  I can't describe how perfectly assured I was and confident that our sons delivery would be smooth.
I was in a lot of pain and the car ride was particularly uncomfortable but I couldn't stop smiling, I was so excited. We got placed in a "holding room" aka. "are we sure you are in labor room?" and I got checked by a nurse. Dilated to a 4+ and 95% effaced. I had fluid leaking but my water had not yet fully broken. My mid-wife (CNM) showed up and gave me a big hug and said "We are having this baby today!"... did I mention that I love her?
At this point I am moved to the "this is the real deal" room.  There was a table set up to receive my baby and a beautiful view of the Timpanogos temple out my window.  The sun had not come up yet and the temple was a beautiful sight to see and to remind me this baby is going to be ours forever.
My good friend from high school Melanie is a nurse practitioner and she works in labor and delivery in Salt Lake.  At about 7:30 she arrived at the hospital.  Melanie brought her ihome and played all kinds of beautiful relaxing piano music.  She also brought me yummy smelling lotions and gave me head rubs too.  It was so great to have her help. She also knew her way around and could explain the equipment and different things that were going on.  The amazing thing is that she actually knew my mid-wife from school! I couldn't have asked for a better team of support.
 I got my epidural around 8.  Honestly, I think there is more of a sting when you get an IV. It went really well, it just feels super weird to get it in.  I was hoping that this epidural would work better than with my first delivery (it began to wear off on one side towards the end).
So there I was sitting ever so comfortably and totally in labor (I love epidurals). Eden and Mom and Dad Fogt came to the hospital at this point. Eden was a little nervous at first but soon climbed up on the bed with me. She drank juice from a straw like mommy and ate lots of cookies. She was very aware of me and would get two cookies in her hand and always bring me one.  After an hour or so she took her shoes off and made herself really comfortable. She gave my mid-wife hugs and gave her cookies too. When ever I would get checked Eden and Grandpa would go on a walk but for the most part we had everyone hanging out in the delivery room for most of my laboring.
At around 10:30 my mid-wife noticed that I had stopped progressing.  She wanted to know if I would like some pitocin.  It wouldn't hurt anything but for some reason I felt like my body would kick into gear. I asked if we could wait 45 minutes.  In 30 minutes I started to really progress again.  I got to a 7 then 8 then 9.   My mid-wife had me lay in two different positions to get baby boy in just the right spot to come out.  It worked and once I was a 10 we began to push.  I loved the epidural because I was not in pain but I could feel the pressure of when to push... a lot of pressure. After 4-5 contractions, the encouraging words of my mid-wife, husband, friend Melanie, my mother in-law and great nurses he arrived.  My mid-wife even had Brent "catch" him and he was able to cut the cord as well.
My experience was night and day different from Eden's birth.  He was placed on my chest immediately and I was able to look at, hold and love him with out throwing up or passing out.  He even nursed right away.  We (I) hadn't decided on a name yet. I knew it was either Benson or William and I told Brent we would wait to see him to decide... When he came out all I knew was this kid is not William... he is Benson William. So there it is!
I had a 2nd degree tear and was stitched up quickly.  The labor and delivery was all together about 6 hours.  He was healthy and crying like crazy and I was so happy to have him in my arms. Eden came in with Grandpa after delivery and was totally intrigued with the baby.  She gave him kisses and wanted to be held where she could always see him.
I had such an amazing support group I feel so blessed for the people in my life and blessed that I found such an amazing and talented mid-wife. We are so blessed and happy. I'm also really glad that I had a bad birth experience first. I probably wouldn't have appreciated how well it went this time and I would have been a lot more scared for myself last time.  So grateful and so glad to have our boy here...

Here.

Benson William Fogt

7 lbs. 6 oz.

20 inches.

  

Born November 4th at 12:00 pm

We are home and happy.

Birth story coming soon...

We're ready

Now where did we leave off?...

 

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO ready for baby boy to get here.

I have crafted and baked (GASP). I have cleaned and organized. I have bleached and washed. I have vacuumed and detailed. My bag is packed and ready to go...

and now I have officially run out of things to do.

~sigh~

All signs where pointing to an early delivery, at 35 weeks I was telling my body to slow down...

Body, you listening?  You can start speeding things up again, okay?

pumpkin patch and the petting zoo

I love fall! Eden and I went with Amy and Kayleigh to Pumpkin Land in Lindon. It was so much fun. There was loads of stuff for the kids to do, animals and a fun playground. We had the best day there. 

Earlier this month Eden Brent and I went to a pumpkin patch where you can pick your pumpkin right out of the field. So cool. 

We just kept walking further into the field saying, "This one looks good........oooooooohh look at this one!". 

It was really bright and really muddy.

This last weekend we went to the Thanksgiving Point petting zoo. Eden loved riding on the horse, with NO help from daddy.  She cried when it was over. 

She is saying "neigh!" in this picture:

Eden fed the ducks...

 and got thrown in jail.

 These kinds of days are just pure bliss for me.  Fun adventures with my family and watching Eden explore her world and see new things.

This month has been so much fun so far...

maybe we will top off this great month with the birth of our second child...

fingers crossed.

Yes. I'm done being pregnant...

and I'm dying to see my sons eyes and look at his sweet tiny toes. 

This is for Selina...

Eden in Cora's old dress. Love it.

A is for apple give away!

Those of you that know Meriel and those of you who don't head on over to my "sisters 4" blog to enter to win a Christmas card and knock that off your upcoming holiday "to do" list.  Meriel is super talented and you will love her clever designs!

Alrighty guys, time to enter!

To enter in the give-away: Go to Meriel's Etsy shop and pick out  the Christmas card you want then leave it in a comment on sisters4saymoreismore.blogspot.com :)

A is for Apple






Winner will be picked a week from the 20th:)

singin in the rain...

 Welcome fall weather!... and welcome all the boots that have been hibernating in my closet.

Eden and I decided that it was really important to play with the red umbrella after running errands, really really important.