A part of me

Seeing this photo brings back so much good memories. This was my 13th birthday, when I was secondary 1, taken with my sister and Lina baby. It's almost a year now since 9 April 2011 when you left. Every now and then I still feel sad and would just end up having tears in my eyes because I miss Lina. It's quite hard sometimes because the pain of not having Lina around physically does hurt a lot. But I've came to realize that life is nothing but a cycle. There comes a day when each individual would pass on and leave behind nothing more vivid than the memories. While I've grown to handle partings and deaths in a more matured manner than before, I still don't think any future trials of such is gonna be easier..

Today's Qing Ming Jie, so I headed down to the Toa Payoh Temple where grandpa and grandma's urns are at to pray for them. I've always found it hard to phrase this praying thing because I don't know if I'm praying for them, praying to them, or just praying. But in Chinese, I know it simply means bai my ah gong and mama. Despite the late night meeting that last till 2am, I managed to drag myself out of the bed this morning at 8am to head down to the temple. When I was standing infront of my grandparents' urns, where their ashes laid in, I feel this connection with them, as though they're just right infront of me. I then talked to them and wished for their blessings to be showered upon the family. Sometimes such personal times really do help me to remain strong in times of challenges, at least I feel like I'm being watched over by my grandparents :) Ah gong's maid, Joanne came down to the temple as well. It was really nice and thoughtful of her because she misses Ah gong. While we stood infront of Ah gong's urn, Joanne started weeping. At the moment, I felt really upset and heartbroken inside. I miss my ah gong too, and there's always this regret. I was not able to see him for the last time before he left. During the few months when ah gong was discharged from the hospital and stayed home for palliative care, I headed down almost everyday with Dad to take care and accompany him. I really wished to be there when he inhaled and exhaled his last breath, but I was at a camp instead..

My recounts of Ah gong and Lil are always sad and filled with heartaches. Nonetheless, I'm always thinking of them and believe that they're somewhere looking over us :)

---

Anyway, for this weekend, it's been a hectic one. Up till this minute, I'm rushing out the report with the team. Just hoping for things to be settled soon and I'm looking forward to the end of week 13, a step closer to end of the semester. Every semester has its ups and downs and honestly, this being my 4th sem, I am still getting panic attacks every now and then from project deadlines, assignments deadlines etc. I can be such a fluster at times. Got to manage my emotions hahaha. But nonetheless, I'm thankful as well for good teams. In particular my MA team. Good team is one that makes meetings comfortable and at ease for everyone, with everyone confident of one another's competency of meeting deadlines and producing good quality work, and the ability to balance the seriousness and fun while slogging for the project. Bad teams are basically the opposite, but most most most importantly, the horrible individuals you got to work with.

Ok back to report. Long post, but I'm feeling lighter in the chest now :)

Yum. Irodori last last last? Sunday with the family:) always love times spent with my family. This weekend was fully spent in school doing projects. But this is really the last leg. Then it's exams. In 3 weeks time. In deep trouble but life's like that for the past 3 semesters. Not sure if I'm used to it, but.. Cant be bothered to think too much too. Living by the days.

Anyway almost every sunday night I'd get insomnia till about 3 plus 4 am. Because on sunday nights, my brain is so active. It thinks about so many things, all the uncertainties for the upcoming week, the worries, the anxiety, about things out of my control, about things within my control. I think so much that thoughts are just running through my mind nonstop. And that's why I'm blogging here now at 2am. Worst of all it's 830am class tomorrow:( that leaves me 4 and a half hours of sleep. But that is if I manage to fight my active mind.

Hoping for the best for everything. Got to keep a positive mind. I hope everything will soon settle down.

Night nighty.

So where do I go from here? Troubled :(

There's some fear in speaking what I wish to say, but getting your support and encouragement really means a lot.

I guess I've been slowly morphing into someone else. I find it hard at times to talk to people and I wonder why. Perhaps I'm just too tired, too caught up in my own train of thoughts or just like to listen and not say a thing. I would very much love to be back to who I were, those bubbly, nonsensical (in a good way) me but I guess, it's just so quite hard to. Perhaps its the many things I've gone through that made me guard myself against issues, people, or just my sensitive self acting up. All these things just to make me feel more secured inside... I don't know.

This array of thoughts. Shall sleep them off. Gdnight. Tomorrow will be a better, sunnier day to start afresh.

I really love Sundays home with my family and sometimes, with Weijie joining us for dinner. Such simple days laughing and sharing about anything make me really happy. I miss Lina a whole lot, it's almost a year. So much memories still etched in our hearts. Am always missing you, thinking of you and wishing you were still here with us. The family loves and misses you always <3 :)

Anyway, it's week 6 of school tomorrow and time sure flies. Just 2 weeks more of school and it's recess week. Then another half a sem to go and it's holidays. Hoping for a great peaceful week ahead.

There's a world so high