It has been some time since I have blogged or even checked on the blogging world. The introduction of myself and facebook seems to be the demise of my little blog and all those who live in the elusive blog world. Well, that and we still have "dial up" internet connection. INSERT HUGE: sigh of disgust!
On the same day that I wrote the Suicide post. We had received an email from Warrior saying that some things were happening in his mission field with he and a few of his companions but really not to worry. Of course when your missionary tells you not to worry, YOU WORRY!.. duh! WE had a week of worry before we could hear from him again. He felt if he could get through this last transfer that all would be right in the world again. Sadly, the last transfer never happened.
Ever since that email things have been a worry and a worry throughout the week. Please realize that this was over two months ago. You can't talk to your missionary nor did I know that parents can actually call the mission president. Hmm... Anyway, by the end of the week we learned that there should be worry. However, things were very vague.
On the home front, I had felt very impressed to prepare our office into a guest room. Beauty had been complaining that every time we have guests she had to give her room up. Her room is also on the opposite end of the house and has its own private bathroom. But, I listened to her woes and decided that I could very well make our office into a guest room. So, I scoured the internet for the perfect bed. I already had lamps, end tables, and dressers for the room. It was complete.
Friday night the Bishop asked to come over to talk to us about Warrior. I don't believe he knew we had an inclination of trouble in the mission. He looked quite surprised to see a bed in the office. It was our first night to actually talk to Warrior.
A few months prior to this I had a dream that woke me clear out of the bed and had me disturbed. I wrote to Warrior about it. In my dream I had heard the doorbell ring. I went to the door and answered it and there was Warrior standing before me with the biggest brightest smile on. I embraced him, to where I could feel the warmth of his chest, and the strength of his embrace around me. I kissed him and he kissed me. It was so real. After pushing him back so I could gaze upon his gorgeous face, I called him by name and said,"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" He said, he just wanted to see me. I laughed at him and told him to get back out on his mission. He turned and smiled and said, "ok, mom". It left me scared. I never felt that he would be coming home. I felt that he may be in grave physical danger; that perhaps he might die. I wrote him to be extremely careful, to stand in holy places.
We had no iota what this could be about. But, understood it could mean he could come home. I couldn't imagine what it could be. Warrior did not believe that he would or could be in jeopardy of being sent home. He had heard of stories and seen missionaries who had done worse. So, I truly don't believe that he was even prepared for his news. The scenarios that went through my mind raged like a wildfire through a parched forest. Could it be girl problems, could he have lost his testimony, was he gay? Yeah, right... well my mind plays horrible scenarios.
Prayers and tears and pleas and hours in the temple and on bended knee for what is best for him has brought Warrior home. There was no disciplinary action taken against him, he didn't have to have endless meetings with the stake. He has always held the priesthood and the only thing he could NOT do was partake of sacrament his first Sunday but was able to the next. He was given a calling the next Sunday. So, all these good worthy things, why is he home?
Prior to the decision if he would come home were questions that seem ridiculous to me, How strong is his mother, his father, would his siblings leave the church? Is he the first to serve a mission in the family? They take more into account about the entire family in general prior to deciding. Which Warrior did not understand. You can not compare yourself against another. What keeps one out, may send you home. It is individual and by the spirit. Perhaps, they were newly converted, weren't reared in the church, or just plain didn't have such FREAKING AWESOME PARENTS as you! For whatever reason you are home and others are not. I understand you keeping your silence on some things but then I wonder if other missionaries hadn't kept their silence would you have had to deal with those same experiences?
My angst comes from so many different stories that were passed to Warrior from the Mission President. One moment we hear Salt Lake has said it is up to the mission president if he stays or not, in my head. If SL says they support whatever the pres says then he has a good shot of staying. Warrior's mission president was just put in, perhaps no longer than 6 months. His first day as Mission President Warrior was in a car accident, which involved no other vehicles just a dirt road and a tree. Then we heard SL says no he has to go home, however they will allow him to go back out and finish his mission, if he so desires.
KEY POINTS I want to make clear as I share that I do not want clouded or misunderstood as I write my feelings.
We
love his mission President. Could he have relayed and had better communication skills or even talked to parents involved.
MOST DEFINITELY. It would have been nice that he answered a few emails and let us know that our boy got off safely to the airport. It would have been
nice to ensure that a young man, has enough money to cover his baggage prior to just dropping him off at the airport and leaving him. So...nice is nice or considerate or treating another's son the way you would have one treat yours. But, I know unless you go through this, you wouldn't know. Do you realize whether fault or not you are always sending someone home deflated defeated and broken?
I
blame no one. Ultimately it was
Warrior's decisions and
lack of decisions that brought him home. END OF STORY! He takes his blame for his part. I understand this as well. However, where were the others? How was this one missionary allowed to stay in the field up to two weeks prior to finishing his two year mission and
NOT ONE, NOT ONE person mentioned this issue? How did it manage to go so long? Other missionaries had said they knew about this. Warrior asked to be changed but his President felt he was strong enough or needed to be there. (hindsight is always 20/20)
I have many
words of advice to Mission Presidents.
One don't put a missionary for
3 transfers with missionaries who are all going home. Spread that out. Some missionaries finish strong, some could care less about mission rules, some worry about being in shape, and some can only focus on college entrance exams. Therefore, it is hard on another to motivate and get their companion out the door much less, pray. THREE transfer trunkies in a row, is NOT a good call. If you
hear rumors check it out.
I have
advice for soon to be missionary moms.
Words of advice to your sons. Yes, you will be someone's baby sitter. Yes, you are your brother's keeper. Yes, it is your job to make them get up, to make them read, to make them follow rules. YES! You are your brother's keeper AND if they won't do it, you sing like a canary to the mission president zone leaders etc. Being a missionary is like being in the front lines. Do your duty to protect yourself first and your buddy will be as well.
Although, I know and felt that the best place for Warrior to grow and heal and learn again is home under our roof with our love and guidance
does not temper the pain, hurt and disappointment. I feel let down by many. I feel he was let down as well. I know that ultimately it is Warrior's decisions, but what one knows is true doesn't always calm the emotion or the heart. We as his parents have given him all of his life saving, eternal saving things that he needs the day he entered temple and took out his endowments. Yes, a huge sigh and weight of relief and worry was lifted the day he left the temple endowed. The rest is clearly up to him how he will write his own book of life. It was one of the hardest things to live through to welcome a home a son who is broken, when you last some him bright eyed and excited to serve. It's a completely different thing to watch your child go through depression and have to nurse him and worry for him. I think it is so much easier to nurse a physical illness or sickness but to rebuild and grow self confidence and perhaps even to waken a testimony again takes hours of prayer, patience and much frustration is there as well, because you are dealing with your own issues but have to put those aside for the welfare of your child. It is our 100% purpose to nurture and love him back. It is so easy for one to fully lose their testimony when it takes this big of a hit. I want to say I have the most amazing loving ward. I gathered them and they have wrapped their arms around me and have wrapped their arms around Warrior. Through their love they have strengthened us all and our Bishop has been great too. Our family is strong, we are fighters, we have tenacity and when push comes to shove we are pushing! One for all and all for one and I so love how my children are like glue! I'm so happy that Mr. Incredible and I have each other and have fortitude and strength that we have built our little family on for this very moment. We are resilient. We are Solomon!
When you have a child come home from a mission, not because they are sick, injured or dead. Members of the church do not know how to succor or how to even speak to the person. It is a death. However, it is a death unacknowledged. When someone loses a child, or a loved one. Flowers are sent, meals are prepared, and an out pouring of love and support surrounds that family. You aren't met with eyes of please explain, give more details, judgement or eyes of pity. People don't know what to say. It is looked upon with shame.
I don't look at my son with shame. Never have and never will. His mission president told him to walk into church on Sunday with his head held high. I told him if he can walk through the halls of the temple with your head held high you can walk anywhere with your head held higher! .
I have had much anticipation about this day. Warrior felt like his first Sunday back would be one of the hardest. I want to say that we belong to one of the greatest wards possible. He was met with love and understanding and many hugs. Some surprise but all within a controlled loving concern of truly understanding that this is not only my son, but God's son.
I know that others were looking for sadness or a hint of something in my eyes. But, it would not be found. I am so thankful and grateful that Warrior was there by our side. We love and support our son. He is on the path and what more can a parent ask for? It is important that we work on Warrior and his perception of himself. Not on what others may think of me, my mothering or parenting skills. This is a blip in time. I never saw this or dreamed that we would be on this path. However, I am. I do not hold my head in shame. This is not my trial, this is his. If he chooses to go out and finish his mission, it is his choice. If he chooses to stay and go to college they are both choices that he and he alone can only make.
I reflect back on the day when Warrior went through the temple. I literally felt a weight taken from my shoulders. I felt like this was the moment, a significant moment. From this point on he would be walking his own path.
No one asked him to give a talk about his mission. The last month does not define or negate the wonderful work that he did on his mission. The baptisms the experiences. When he came home he was so excited to share pictures and stories of all the things that happened. I'm so proud of you. I'm proud of the mission and the service you rendered and can't wait to see where this takes you. I'm so grateful for our friends who asked him all the great questions about his mission and about what he loved serving and was there for support and love. I love the fact that genuinely our ward members wanted him to be well.
He was told he would be able to serve again but not back to the same mission. He was really disappointed about that. The process to get back out is very new. It doesn't happen often. Salt lake was slow and going back and forth with the stake president was weekly check ups. I think it was the not knowing. We were thinking it would be just a few weeks and had someone told us, No, its basically a mandatory 6 months it would have subsided much angst and frustration of WHEN!
Those 6 months were the hardest trying months for me as his mother. I would ask are you doing what you are suppose to do? Did you read the BOM again? Well, you don't have anything to do, you should have that read in a week! Get up, you are sleeping too much, you aren't doing anything. Warrior you need to be engaged in things. I was frustrated!! I had no idea that he was experiencing and going through depression and I was the pusher, the let's go, I was the
JERK, for lack of a better description, JERK about sums it up! He was. He didn't realize it. I didn't realize it. Mr. Incredible did. He had written him this most amazing loving letter for Warrior to read on the plane when he boarded in California! As a parent, it is hard. Hard to watch your child go through this, hard to motivate and hard to sit idle and let them navigate their lives. Warrior was just not reacting to things the way I would. It frustrated me to no end. This single event and 6 months has put a crack in our relationship. I think I'm not so whatever you say. I always have an opinion and am obstinate but when it comes to discipline with the children I know I am a bit more harsh and he usually comes in and sweeps it away or negates the punishment I gave out. If I say grounded for a week and no tv, he will have them grounded for 2 days and tv. Or If I react and say you can't go anywhere until your chores are done, he will get up and do their chores for them. It never truly bothered me until this moment of a returned son home early from a mission. Mr. Incredible has always been there to share the burden or the consequence and this burden and consequence he can't share.
ALSO, ALL of a sudden Mr. Incredible wants to KNOW what I would do or wants my opinion. I was not happy with that. I should have realized he was at his wits end, too. But, instead I said, " NO, you always thought my way was too harsh, always came in and changed it, so you work it out. It brought things into focus. My upbringing was harsh. I knew that when I disciplined it was harsh but Mr. Incredible would even it out. I knew I was upset that if I yelled at the kids he would get up and do their chore, but I really didn't care who did it, I just wanted it done. It brought things in line with you don't make consequences if there is no accountability. So, I threw my hands up and said fine! You got it. It has also opened up a door that I never realized I allowed to stay shut. It was just the simple rolls we fell into and expectations we had for each other! Joy in the Journey! Do I want to open this door and walk through or am I content enough to keep it how things have always been?
I have to say that when Warrior came home battled and wounded Mr. Incredible was the one who put me in focus and didn't allow me to be so short sighted. It isn't nor does it matter if he chooses to go out again. He said, I am more worried about our eternal family about him and his eternal outlook. I could care less about what he chooses to do I want him to remain rooted and strong and remember what it's all about. Mr. Incredible was thinking long term. WE needed to help our boy remember the teachings that were rehearsed and actually put them into action . We want him to remain on the path and understand this is but a moment we have an eternity of happiness and joy but you have to remain on the path.
