Always and Forever

 About 3 months ago, our family vacation went amiss. It was so unexpected, so bizairre.  It would be the family vacation we would/could never forget.

We had booked a cruise over a year before in Nov 2022 for December 2023.  We had been waiting ALL year to go on this family cruise. Jarom was especially excited to go.  Beaches, sun, and swimming are his jam.  The humidity does him wonders.  December finally came and we were ready.  Beach towels, flip flops, snorkel gear, and all eight kids packed into the suburban and off we went. First a stop in St. George to spend the weekend with family for a Christmas party.  Thursday night and Friday was swimming, hiking, playing games- our vacation was starting out well.  Nobody was complaining and we still had so much to look forward to. Saturday morning, December 16th came and the sun peeked out from behind the clouds.  It was going to be a great day for a hike.  The entire family debated on where to go.  In a large extended family of 7 kids with all their kids, the debates are a real thing.  It was decided into of going into Snow Canyon, we would hike Pioneer Park in St. George.  The kids would enjoy that more it seemed.  Thinking back to that day, nothing seemed to scream out "watch out your life is about to change", "pay attention", "watch Jarom".  Nothing.  All seemed well.  

We got to Pioneer Park, walked around the gardens, and hiked up in the rocks.  I remember chasing down the handful of 3-4 year olds with Jarom by my side.  He took off one way and I the other, scaling rocks, and helping the little kids get through the maze of red, towering rocks to safety below.  Together we accomplished the impossible- we found all the littles, conquered the rocks, and took them back to the meeting place.  It was at that point, that Jarom told me that he would be going to the bathroom which was back by the garden area, a 1/2 mile off.  I remember he looked fine.  No signs of his asthma flaring up, no struggle to breath, no red face, just his handsome face looking back at me.  Off he went.  In the next 10 minutes so much would change. 

Our car was parked about 1/2 mile south of where we were at.  It was decided that a sister would drive us down to our car.  It would be faster.  It was about 3:30 and time to get back "home".  As this decision was being made, my phone buzzed in my pocket.  It was Jarom.  Why would he be calling? I answered and couldn't hear much for a second.  "Mom, I can't breathe." Then just gasps of him trying to suck in air but he seemed ok.  "Ok I am coming.  Wait I will come get you."  I hung up thinking, we gotta get back to the hotel to get him on his nebulizer.  He is having an asthma attack and his inhaler must not be cutting it.  I told my husband we needed to hurry to get back, Jarom was having a hard time breathing so lets get back to the car as soon as possible.  

It took a minute or two to wrangle all the kids into a few cars and started heading to the outer parking lot. As I looked out the back window of the car I was sitting in, I suddenly noticed my child, my Jarom, staggering through the ravine between the parking lot and the gardens and bathroom.  I couldn't see much, but I could tell something was wrong.  I jumped out of the car, as it pulled into the parking area, and as I ran to my son, I called his name. "Jarom, Jarom" and there was no response.  As I came upon him, he was barely able to keep upright.  His head hung low.  I pulled up his face and it was purple and is lips were blue. My heart literally stopped. My mind raced.  What was happening. I had just talked with him.  He then collapsed into me and with all the strength I could muster I throw my arms around him and began to drag him to the parked cars, all the while yelling for my husband to help.  He heard me and ran to us, grabbing Jarom and putting him into the car.  

The next few moments, were utter chaos, of getting our children who were still standing in the parking lot into a car, calling 911, trying to determine if the ambulance would make it there soon, or if we needed to just head to the hospital.  My husband determined that we needed to go now and we flew out of that parking lot like a bat out of Hades.  We just happened to be 5 minutes from the hospital.  As we were leaving the parking lot area, the last thing I heard my son say, "I can't breathe...just get me home" and then pass out and fall over in the middle seat of suburban. I was on the phone with 911, telling them we were on our way to the hospital and giving them a play by play of what was happening.  I asked the only other two passengers in the car, two young siblings, besides Jarom, my husband, and I to see if Jarom was breathing. They were shaking and crying, but they checked and he barely was.  You could see his chest moving ever so slightly.  The drive seemed to take forever, but really it was minutes.  My husband pulled into the ER, and grabbed our unconscious son into his arms and ran him into the waiting room, yelling for help.  I stayed outside watching, praying, hoping, wondering.  My heart aching, my mind racing, and all my thoughts sent up to God in prayer for my child's safety and healing.  It hurt to be left there, but I knew I had to park the car and get the kids back to somewhere safe where they could process things and be loved. 

After getting my children in a car with their grandparents, I rushed inside.  They had my son on a table.  They had cut his shirt off, tore off his belt and to get better access to his chest.  He was purple/blue and looked dead.  At that moment I had the distinct inpression to call my mom and start a prayer chain.  I did.  "Pray for Jarom, mom" I told her.  "Tell everyone to pray for Jarom" and I knew she would send out the call.  I then text my good friend, Melissa. "Tell everyone to pray for Jarom" I said and I knew she would.  I glanced back into the room.  One nurse/doctor had jumped up on the table and was doing chest compressions. What I didn't realize at the time is while I had called my mom, Jarom's heart had stopped.  He literally had died.  There was no detection of his heart on the monitor.  The doctors and nurses raced into action.  They started chest compressions.  It took a bit, but they did get it going again.  I didn't know that this was what had happened and in some ways I am glad I missed it.  

The doctor then put Jarom into an induced coma to allow him some time to let his brain recover from the low/to no oxygen he had not be getting for the past 10 minutes or so.  They had him breathing and oxygen was back up, but they just weren't sure if he would have brain death, or brain injuries from the lack of oxygen.  They told us the chances of him being brain dead was high.  It was then that the waiting game began.

 I held his tore shirt and mangled belt in my hands and wondered if I would ever see my son fully functional again.  I walked over to him and held his face in my hands and told him to come back to me if he could.  He was needed here.  I cried into his chest and gave him a hug.  He was stiff and still blue.  I just wanted him back.  I just wanted to turn back time.  I just wanted to hear him say, "Mom its going to be ok" in the way that he always did.  "Mom don't worry", "Mom don't worry" I could hear him telling me that in my mind.  I knew I needed to be strong for him.

They transferred us from the ER to the ICU.  There Jarom laid on a hospital bed, breathing with the help of a machine, wires coming from his head from the EGG tests they were running, a tube down his throat, and alarms going off at regular intervals. Discussions of medicines, processes, and possible outcomes were the conversations of the next few hours. I didn't have time to process much.  

1:30 am came and the hospital room was finally quiet, the halls empty, and I could finally think in peace.  I had been praying for complete healing for my son all afternoon and evening.  I told God I wanted him back whole and if that couldn't happen for him to just take him. Jarom would hate to not be able to run, hike, jump or not do things for himself and I didn't know if I could bare getting him back to only lose him in a different way.  

As I left Jarom's room, leaving behind my husband to watch over our child, I wondered into a quiet hall and sat down. I began to sob.  I cried all my heart out.  I knew that in order to say God's will be done, I had to accept that no matter what.  It was then that I knew I needed to let go.  Could I accept my son being brain dead and never coming back?  Could I accept my son possibily waking up, but being "whole"?  I wasn't sure.  I wrestled with God in those moments of utter anguish.  I felt so alone, so torn, so desperate.  It was then that my sister waked through the elevator doors to my left.  She ran over and held me in her arms.  "We can do this together" she said and I knew we could.  "God", I cried, "Thy will be done" and I truly meant it. I have never felt so much peace in my life.  I knew that it would be ok no matter the outcome. I knew that God knew what was supposed to happen and I would be ok with whatever that outcome was.  And then waiting continued through the night.

Sunday morning did come.  They lowered the meds and began the process of waking him up.  His eyes began to flicker and he squeezed our hand.  He opened his eyes and his croaked out some words.  He was awake!  But was he "whole"?  Could he process things mentally, could he eat, could he walk? These were the questions we were dying to know.  We didn't have to wait long.  Jarom defied all odds.  He walked, talked, and ate faster than most.  He passed a mental test.  He demanded to go home as soon as possible. He cried when he told him we would most likely miss the cruise the next day.  He didn't understand what had happened. 

Long story short, my son is whole.  100%.  The doctors are unsure of what caused him to go into anaphylactic shock, but they say he was a miracle.  The ER doctor came back to visit Jarom and Sunday evening and told him that he shouldn't be there.  He should be dead, brain dead, but yet he was alive and well.   

We took Jarom home Monday, only about 32 hours after first entering the hospital. It was unheard of.  As we drove home, I thanked God over and over again.  But then I thought, could I proclaim that God was a God of miracles, even if Jarom had died or come back brain dead, or not fully functional?  Could I?  Mothers lose their sons all the time.  Many or not most brain injuries don't come back with full healing after being in a coma.  Could I still trust in God, if the outcome had been different?  Could I still proclaim him as good?  And I can say that yes I could. 

God is a God of miracles.  Truly nothing is impossible with him.  But I do know that we don't always get the miracles we seek or what.  Sometimes the outcome is different.  But God still is a God of miracles.  He knews the beginning from the end and does what is best.  I ache for all those mothers who have lost their sons, but I hope for peace in their journey of knowing that God still is a God of miracles and that he loves them so much. He has never left them alone.   

God truly is a God of miracles. Always and Forever.

Validating Emotions- An Important Skill of Parenting

You are in hurry. You are already running behind and are going to be late for the doctor appointment you are taking your four year old son to for his checkup. Your son is dragging his feet to get his shoes on and the baby is crying as you put her coat on.  You are getting frazzled.   In your mind, you are running through the worst case scenario of getting to the office just after that 15 minute late mark and they tell you they can no longer see you today and will charging you $50 for a missed appointment.  Ugh, you don’t have time for this.  So you start shoving your son’s shoes on his feet.  He doesn’t like this so he starts to pull off the shoes, crying, and throwing a tantrum.  You have come to an impasse of two choices- one where you grab him and the shoes and put him the car kicking and screaming while you pull out of the driveway, a hot mess and all or you pause, dig deep, take a deep breath, and try to connect with your child at their level and understand the current emotions they are feeling.  In split seconds, you choose, sometimes without even knowing it. Do you take the first path or the other?  So much is determined by that split second decision.  Why is this so important? 

 

Clipart by Anna Kutukova from shutterstock

 

By taking time to sit down and understand your child and how they are feeling is called validating.  When you validate your child’s feelings, you can actually helping them understand how to process emotions (emotional intelligence), helping them have emotional resilience, and increasing their own self esteem.  They feel heard, seen, and loved.  Some very powerful things. By emphasizing with them, we are searching for understanding in what they are feeling.  We are teaching them that it is ok to feel sad, hurt, angry, and how to handle those big emotions in a good healthy way.  We are building trust with our child.  According to Marie (2022) validation is very important. “Validating your child’s feelings means acknowledging how your child is feeling in the moment- whether it’s happy, sad, angry, or some other big emotion – without judgement, expectation, or comment on what they “should” be feeling instead” (n.p.).  Often times as parents we rush to correct and want to lecture on how they “should” be feeling, but this isn’t the best practice.  

 

Consider this while watching this video clip inserted above (ThecurlyQcutie, 2016, 0:00:00) from the Pixar movie, Inside Out.   Bing Bong is looking sad and is sitting next to Joy.  Joy is in hurry, desperate to get on the train, and urging him cheer up.  She really needs him to get to the train station.  Her urging does nothing to make him feel better.   Then Sadness approaches Bing Bong, well validating his feelings. She says, “I am sorry they took your rocket. They took something you loved and now it is gone forever” and then she sits with him on the ground.  Sadness validates Bing Bong’s sad feelings and doesn’t try to push them off or get him to move on without acknowledging them.  At the end of the clip, Bing Bong cries and hugs Sadness in an act of appreciation for her kindness and acknowledgement. Do you take time to this for our child/children? 

 

What harm comes from not validating our child’s feelings?  Well there are some negative outcomes.  Children will begin to model what they see and hear such as showing annoyance, using threats, ignoring, or even just minimizing what others say.  Monkey see, monkey do is a very true statement. Children will often development poor coping skills when their feelings are not validated.  They don’t learn good ways to deal with their emotions and can turn to acting out, self-criticism instead of good self-esteem, and/or seeking solace or numbing through other means like food, substance abuse, or social media.  This is certainly something we don’t want as parents.

 

So let’s focus on slowing down and coming to our child’s aid in hearing and validating their emotions.  Remember 3 easy things when your child is struggling to manage their emotions- to listen, to validate, and then to respect.

 

Clipart by lemono from shutterstock

 

 Jeffrey Bernstein gives us 5 ways to validate our child’s feelings:

Communicating your intent to listen without judging or blaming and calling yourself out if you stray from this empathetic stance.

Being sensitive to, and acknowledging how difficult and even embarrassing it is to be “different” when he/she wants to be like everyone else.

Acknowledging the problems in his/her life and that they matter. Many children and teens I counsel repeatedly share that their parents minimize or dismiss their struggles.

Reflecting about how upsetting it feels to them when the walls seem to be closing in and how overwhelming it is when his/her emotions seem to spin out of control.

Understanding how deep shame (often non-detectable to frustrated parents) can keep influencing the child to behave in ways that he/she may regret later. (Bernstein, 2013)

Doing this will take practice and focus, but it will be well worth it.  So don’t give up, keep pushing along, taking time to focus on your child and what they feel.  You and your child will see so many benefits from your focus and love on them. 

 References:

 

Marie, S. (2022, June 23). The Importance of Validating Your Child's Feelings. PyschCentral.
     https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-powerful-parenting-tool-of-validation

 

 

[ThecurlyQcutie]. (2016, November 22). Emotion coaching clip [Video]. Www.Youtube.com.
     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lh0EE2_Y2io&t=1s

 

Bernstein, J., Ph.D (2013, September 20). Five Easy, Powerful Ways to Validate Your Child's
     Feelings. Retrieved December 7, 2023, from
     https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/201309/five-easy-
     powerful-ways-validate-your-childs-feelings

PRAISE- The Good and the Not So Good

 

 clip art by usagiya on istock

Praising your child is a good thing right?  Yes it is.  We all love to shower our child with compliments about all the wonderful things about them.  But it is interesting to note, that maybe our constant praise isn’t bringing the outcome we want.  Pocock (2022) discussed this very thing and how the pendulum of child rearing has shifted from “the spare the rod, spoil the child”,  then “to building character through distance and coldness”, to now a “everything is great” mode. Is this a good thing?  In some ways it is, but on the other hand Pocock says, “We have shifted to a middle ground, one where we understand that feedback is good, but praise does not always bring about the outcome we hope it will.”(n. p.).  So why is that?  We are finding out that praise is not enough.  It is how it is said, how it is delivered, and how it is done.  Pocock says it well, “praise on its own is not enough. The quality, context, and intention behind the praise matter, too” (n.p.).

 

Powerful words.  Something to consider, to think about, and possibly shift our parenting skills in the subject of praising.   Let’s dig into the good and the not so good ways of how we praise our kids and how it affects them. Our usual way of praising is called evaluative praise, but there are better ways to praise our children that will encourage their development and reinforce good behavior which are descriptive and appreciative praise.  Let discuss the three. 

 

clipart by nicoletaionescu on istock

We all love to praise our children on their beautiful looks, good grades, superb sport skills, and amazing work.  We use a lot of words like great, amazing, so smart, good, beautiful, nice.  It is a wonderful thing to compliment, but these words limit our praise and our children.  They really stay at a “you are something” level.  They feel good at first, but it can actually discourage them and be burden to them because they can’t meet or keep that high standard. An article from the NAMC Montessori Teacher Training Blog explains it well, “Evaluative praise leads to a dependency on approval. Words like “Great! Good Job! Wonderful!” make and keep children dependent on adult evaluation. They look to us to evaluate and decide between good and bad behavior and work, rather than forming their own judgment” (NAMC, 2007). This echo’s Pocock’s statement above that our praise doesn’t always bring us the outcome we want.  Our children will lose their desire to do something for the joy of it, but maybe just do it seeking the praise.  They might base their worth on the approval or recognition they get rather than an inner one. There are better ways to praise our children.

 

One way is to use something called descriptive praise.  It also makes your child feel good  like evaluative praise, but the lasting effect is much longer.  It comes from your observations based on the accomplishments, doesn’t have evaluation, and helps to reinforce behavior.  It has 2 parts: describe what you see or hear and then secondly to describe how you feel.  For example, “That was  a lot of groceries you carried it! Thank you for helping me bring those in.”  Instead of a one word quick evaluative phrase, you are describing the work habit, the action, the good behavior, the attitude or social skills.  This is why it is so helpful in reinforcing behavior and habits. Here is a good video that explains how to use descriptive praise (Maudsley NHS, 2022).

 

 

Appreciative praise is much like the last, descriptive praise, but focuses on how the child’s behavior affects others.  This is a very important thing.  This encourages them to notice how when they do good things to others it is noticed, appreciated, needed, and maybe they will notice how they feel inside.  An example of this would be, “I appreciate you doing the dishes after dinner without being asked.  That really helped me out and lightened my load. Now we can have clean dishes in the morning.” Using both appreciative and descriptive praise really helps the child see the truth themselves, praise themselves, and give themselves credit. Children will learn to trust themselves and to use their own judgement. This has to do with their intrinsic motivation rather than relying on extrinsic motivation to get them to behave or do things we want them to do. They learn to evaluate themselves instead of you doing it for them. 

 

Lastly, lets discuss how to deliver praise.  It is helpful to be direct, calm, even toned, and not over enthusiastic, but be sincere.  Be focused and honest in your words and remember to focus on the work or behavior rather than a generalization.   It sounds simple, but it does take a little more skill and practice to do this. So keep praising your child, just remember to encourage them through your praise (descriptive or appreciative) so that they will become an independent, inner motivated, well-rounded, encouraging adult themselves. 

 

 References:

Pocock, J. (2022, February 7). Are We Spoiling Our Kids with Too Much Praise? JSTOR Daily.
     Retrieved December 5, 2023, from https://daily.jstor.org/are-we-spoiling-our-kids-with-too-
     much-praise/

 

NAMC (2007, June 10). Are We Spoiling Our Kids with Too Much Praise? NAMC Montessori
    Teacher Training Blog. Retrieved December 5, 2023, from  
     https://montessoritraining.blogspot.com/2007/06/montessori-classroom-descriptive-vs.html

 

[Maudsley NHS]. Scott, S., Pro. (2022, February 8). Parenting Tip 2 - How to give descriptive
     praise [Video]. www.youtube.com. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DETS45Cbi_o

 

 

Why to Motivate Without Bribing

Do the scenes pictured below look familiar?   

 

clipart by nicoletaionescu on istock

 

clipart by nicoletaionescu on istock

I imagine that to most of us it does.  We want to motivate our children to do what we ask or to do good things, but when the going gets tough and they just aren't listening or doing what we want, we resort to bribes; a quick fix and lets move on solution. PHEW it's over. But in the long- run is it really the solution we are wanting?  According to Dennis (n.d.), "Bribes don't effectively motivate children in the long run. They buy temporary compliance, but do little to change the heart or long-term interest in the enterprise for which the reward has been given"(p. 1).  

So why do we do it?  Why do we bride our children in hopes it will be our solution? We don't really want "temporary compliance". I think because it just easier in the moment.  A lot of times, we are under stress, have pressure to be somewhere at a certain time, we are around others and don't want the embarrassment, or we just don't have the patience to deal with the situation and work through it by using other means that will take longer.  That quick fix sounds good so we turn to bribes. Most of the time it brings quick compliance, which is what we are looking for compliance in the fastest, easiest way.  Bribes fit that need. We forget that we are hurting both ourselves and our child in the long run by not seeking a better, long-term solution. 

This brings up the question, how are bribes hurting the child?  Why are they not the best way to motivate our child or children? It comes down to a few things; taking away their intrinsic motivation, they forgot that the best rewards aren't physical, and bribes aren't a positive thing for the relationship that we most likely want with our child. 

Let's talk about intrinsic motivation first. The Greater Good Science Center has a great video on you tube discussing this concept (Greater Good Science Center, 2011, 0:15) . Take a listen using the link  or video posted above.  Basically, everyone has two types of motivation; intrinsic (inner) and extrinsic (outer) motivation. Intrinsic is our own natural motivation pushing us to do things. Extrinsic is that big, sweet, juicy lollipop, or that smooth, green dollar bill or even possibly the threat of losing something that motivates our actions instead, an outer influence, rather than our own natural influence. We really should be preserving our child's natural motivation. In the video, Dr. Christine Carter describes how this intrinsic motivation is "very fragile and can be broken by external rewards"(Greater Good Science Center, 2001).  This can really be a big problem in the long run by ruining our child's inner motivation.  They will constantly be expecting a reward for good behavior or doing something rather than just getting things done on their own.  They will miss out on the joy in the journey of doing it on their own. This can be very damaging in the long run.  Maybe that short term solution of bribing doesn't seem so great now.

The next reason why bribes aren't the best solution is that we are setting the expectation for a physical reward every time the child does what we ask.  We are forgetting that deep satisfaction of them knowing that the best rewards aren't physical. We live in a world where consumer thinking/buying and materialism are huge. When we are constantly giving physical rewards, we are teaching that them that physical things are of more value than the non-physical rewards; such as a good feeling when they do something good or help someone else.  As a mother of 8 children myself, this is a big concern for me, especially since it is Christmas time right now.  I am constantly reminding my own kids of more important things; things of the heart, not just the physical things that Santa brings or mom gives them.  There are so many positive outcomes when implementing this suggestion of teaching your child that physical rewards don't bring you more joy.  One positive thing is that the child will appreciate and find happiness in their life even when times are hard and they can't have the physical things they want.  They will give more to others and find deeper satisfaction in their lives.

Finally, bribes aren't a positive thing for the relationship we want with our child.  No one likes to be manipulated into doing something.  Children are very bright and can sense our struggle of "us vs. them" and that maybe they are being tricked into doing something.  I appreciated Janet Lansbury's thoughts on this matter.  She comments that:

This relationship that we’re developing with our child, this is the main tool we have for creating the behavior that we hope that they’ll have — for gaining their cooperation, for lessening those defiant modes that children can get into. Our relationship is the most powerful tool that we have to get what we want from our children in regard to behavior. Because when children feel like they’re a part of a team with us and that we’re not working against them and we’re not trying to get them to do things, we’re polite, we don’t nag, we don’t nitpick, that we have a lot of empathy for their stage of development and their ability to function when they’re tired or when they’re going through a transition — we understand those things about them — they feel understood. They feel that safety. We’re going to try to help them to do better (Lansbury, J., 2020). 

 As parents, I believe if we really take time to build the relationship with our children, we will have less reactive children that will be more well rounded and cooperative.  I believe that this is what most of us want. 

So what can we do instead of the endless bribes and threats?  Is there a solution?  The answer is yes.  You can end the cycle of bribing your child. Sometimes it is hard to know what to do instead of offering a physical reward.  Dennis, S. (n.d.) brings up this very problem in his article, What's the Problem With Bribes, and he gives us some better ideas of rewards that aren't physical.  He says, "Consider rewarding your children with your time, activities, or expanding new opportunities" (p. 2). As parents, we will have great joy seeing our child/children understanding the joy of a simple life with real meaningful things, including a better more meaningful relationship with us. I believe the long term solution of not bribing is well worth it.

 

clipart by gmast3r on istock

References:

Dennis, S. (n.d.) What’s the Problem with Bribes? Retrieved from Brigham Young University
     Idaho Website  
    https://byui.instructure.com/courses/274256/files/116879670/download?download_frd=1

 

Aims and Scope: International Journal of Technology and Design Education. (n.d.). Retrieved
     November 28, 2014, from http://www.springer.com/education & language/learning
     & instruction?SGWID=0-40666-9-10798-print_view=aimsAndScopes

[Greater Good Science Center]. (2011, August 3). Why Not to Bribe Kids [Video]
     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0021ISgx3c

Lansbury, J. (2020, October 15). Why Bribes and Threats Aren’t Helpful (and What to Do
     Instead). Janet Lansbury Elevating Child Care. Retrieved December 4, 2023, from
     https://www.janetlansbury.com  /2020/10/why-bribes-and-threats-arent-helpful-and-what-to-
     do-instead/

 

Global Pandemic

Today is the sabbath day and I feel the need to write about what is going on in our world right now.  Hopefully it will be a blessing to my posterity to someday read about what was going on in 2020.  In January, a disease broke out in Wuhan, China.  Shortly after many became sick and a lot died.  So they went into lock down.  The US government didn't think it would really affect us.  We ignored what was going on and people were still travelling around the world.  Well, here we are in March now and it has spread world wide.  Many countries like France and Italy (Italy has been hit extremely hard with many deaths and cases) are on full lock down.  The US is trying to do social distancing although California just went on lock down and Washington State.  It is bad there.  Schools, restaurants, dentist offices, and many other business are closed.  We have been asked to stay at home unless it is necessary for us to leave.  We have been asked to stay 6 feet from other people.  The disease is called the Cornovirus or COVID-19.  It is a new virus that we are still learning about.  It can be spread airborne and has many of the regular flu symptoms, but for older people and those with struggling immune systems it can turn into respiratory distress and many of those populations are dying or getting hospitalized.  They are hoping that by doing social distancing it will flatten the curve and we can combat this pandemic and slow it down, but many are thinking the US will go on full lock down here soon.  Many people are not taking this pandemic seriously.  I do wonder about the economic consequences of this pandemic since many businesses are having to shut down.  The stock market keeps going lower everyday and hopefully this summer it will go back up.  People are panicking and the stores can't keep their shelves stocked.  There is no toilet paper to be found and many other items (butter, eggs, diapers, potatoes, etc) are hard to find.  We are fine, we have our food storage and 3 month supply.  I feel so much peace.  All will be well.

This past week has been much the same for us since we have home schooled for years now.  We have been involved with Lumen Scholar for the past few years, but it is an online/charter school.  It is like half home school/online/public school.  I love the support I get from Lumen, but love that I can have my children home and I still teach them.  Tyrell and Jarom would go to school to Mondays and Wednesdays usually and the elementary kids on Fridays, but with this pandemic all schools are cancelled and everything is online.  Not a hard transition since that is what we were already doing.  Many parents and kids in our neighborhood are really struggling with doing online school with their public school teachers.  It has been a hard transition.  I can't imagine.  Schools are supposed to be closed for 2 weeks, but many are thinking it will be longer.  It has been hard not being able to do much outside of the house.  The weather hasn't been great (cold and rainy) so we haven't been outside as much as I would have liked.  But we are hanging in there.  We have baked, played games, done school, wrote in journals, got bikes ready for summer, planted some of our garden, jumped on the trampoline, and each child has a night that they are in charge of dinner.  Since soccer, dance, choir, school, club basketball, their Lion King play practices have all been cancelled, we have had so much time together.   We are also de junking the house and organizing the basement.   I am sad that Tyrell don't get to be Simba (he practiced so much to be ready), Lance is disappointed about soccer, and Evalette misses dance, but at the same time it has been surreal to just have no where to go or anything but my family to worry about.  I am not complaining.  I just wish it didn't have to be under these circumstances.  

One major change though is that the church has cancelled all meeting world wide for the time being.  Missionaries around the world are being sent home since much of the world is locking down their countries.  Senior missionaries have all been sent home since they are high risk.  The temples are closed, except to live ordinances.  No activities etc are being held and the public will not invited to attend conference in two weeks.  Only those that will be speaking in the session will be at the conference center and the music will be pre recorded.  At the end of our last conference, the prophet Russell M. Nelson told us to prepare for this upcoming conference.  That is would be a different conference than we had ever had.  Wow...it will be.  At a temple dedication in Chile back in Oct 2018, President Nelson also said,
“The Book of Mormon teaches over and over again that you need to have the ordinances,” he emphasized. “And of course, that’s why we have temples so that all the potential that God has in store for His children can become a fact, a reality. … No one else can offer perpetuation of the family unit beyond the grave. And that, according to our Heavenly Father, is the greatest gift that He can give to His children.”
“We’re witnesses to a process of restoration,” said the prophet. “If you think the Church has been fully restored, you’re just seeing the beginning. There is much more to come. … Wait till next year. And then the next year. Eat your vitamin pills. Get your rest. It’s going to be exciting.”
Truly he is a prophet of God.

Many are speculating about what will happen from here.  Will life go back to normal?  Will this cause the economic recession that we have been waiting for?   Are lots of people going to lose jobs and homes?  Will the world ever be the same?  I wonder about these things too and know that we are in the last days.  Tribulations are upon us and they are just beginning.  I do believe that we have some time though.   This is a big warning, but not the end where it all will implode.  But things are warming up and it can seem a little scary.  Honestly I feel excitment, joy and so so much peace.  Ever since I was a little girl, I have been waiting for this.  My mom had a book called, The Coming of the Lord, by Gerald Lund and I read it when I a young teenager.  I poured over everything that I could find about the second coming and knew that I would be apart of it.  About 4-5 years ago, I thought the push to prepare.  We got long term food storage and many other things that we would need in a time of crisis.    Nothing "big" happened, but I felt peace knowing that when it did we would have what we needed.    Fast forward to now and we aren't in a panic.  We have all we need.   A couple of days ago, on the 18th here in Magna, UT at 7:09 am there was a 5.7 earthquake.  It caused some damage, the SLC airport was closed, and the Angel Moroni lost his trumpet off the SLC temple.  This created another wave of panic after last week's COVID-19 scare when WHO declared it a global pandemic and Utah's governor declared it a state emergency.  I do think it was a warning, but not the big earthquake that everyone is waiting for. That one will cause immense damage and devastate many. 

All in all there are many crazy things happening around the world and in our communities.  I trust all will be well.  God is on our side.  I am excited to see what will be happening in the next while.  Today we had sacrament meeting in our home with our children gathered around.  It was so special and I felt the spirit pouring down on us. What a blessing.  Although things are different right now, I can still find peace through my God. 

TRY TRY TRY

Try Try Try President Henry B. Eyring OCT 2018 conference  

Talk in church 10/27/2019

I am happy to be with you all on this beautiful Sunday afternoon.  Normally I am not very excited to speak in church, but today I am grateful Sunday is finally here.    All week I have tossed and turned at night with my topic going over and over and over in my head and well lets just say I haven’t slept much.  So tonight I am hoping for a great nights sleep!  …

My husband James, my family, and I moved to Summit Ridge about a year and a half ago.   We are thrilled to be apart of this great community and love this area.  We don’t know a lot of you with the recent ward change, but we are excited to get to know you all better.  Thank you for welcoming us into the ward with open arms.  

A little about us…James and I met about 15 years ago and well that is quite the story and would take way too long to tell but all in all we met, we fell in love, were married and now here we are almost 15 years later, lots of moves, lots of crazy adventures, good times, some hard times, but best of all we have been blessed with 7 amazing children.  Tyrell is the oldest and is 13.  He is a wonderful older brother, he is very spiritual, enjoys scouting and fishing and is an avid reader.  Jarom is 11 and is very curious.  He is constantly asking questions and enjoys taking things apart to see how they work and then putting it all back together.  Third, is Lance who is 8.  Lance loves to live life to the fullest.  He is very active and loves to play sports and run.  Evalette is our first girl.  Evalette has experienced many hard things already in her short 7 years of life, but she has a very positive attitude and always sees the good.  She is very loving and loves everyone and everything.  Enoch is our five year old and he loves to sing and play with friends.  Adalae is the spunkiest 3 year old you will ever met.  She is our sweet, sassy pants and keeps us on our toes.  And finally, our  18 month old Ammon.  He is our gift and is pure joy.    We love them all.  

I was asked to speak on President Erying’s Oct 2018 conference talk entitled, “Try, Try, Try”.  I encourage you all to read it as I won't do it justice, but I hope I will touch your heart as I try to convey my thoughts on feelings today.  Don’’t you just love President Eyring….he has a quiet, yet strong spirit about him and you can feel his love as he speaks.  

He starts out his talk by saying, 

Many years ago, I was first counselor to a district president in the eastern United States. More than once, as we were driving to our little branches, he said to me, “Hal, when you meet someone, treat them as if they were in serious trouble, and you will be right more than half the time.” Not only was he right, but I have learned over the years that he was too low in his estimate. Today I wish to encourage you in the troubles you face.

Our mortal life is designed by a loving God to be a test and source of growth for each of us. You remember God’s words regarding His children at the Creation of the world: “And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them.”¹

Since the beginning, the tests have not been easy. We face trials that come from having mortal bodies. All of us live in a world where Satan’s war against truth and against our personal happiness is becoming more intense. The world and your life can seem to you to be in increasing commotion.”

We all have bumps in our paths, sometimes hills to cross, and even huge mountains to conquer

Lite can be overwhelming, tiring, and seem hopeless at times; and at those moments, sometimes lasing hours, or days, or even years our cross is heavy to bear, but God has promised that our burden is too be made light   how is that possible….through his son our Savior Jesus Christ who has bore it all.  Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ our burdens, our trials, our hardest of days will be made light.  

President Eyring gives us this reassurance by saying, “…the loving God who allowed these tests for you also designed a sure way to pass through them. Heavenly Father so loved the world that He sent His Beloved Son to help us.² His Son, Jesus Christ, gave His life for us. Jesus Christ bore in Gethsemane and on the cross the weight of all our sins. He experienced all the sorrows, the pains, and the effects of our sins so that He could comfort and strengthen us through every test in life.³

You remember that the Lord said to His servants:

“The Father and I are one. I am in the Father and the Father in me; and inasmuch as ye have received me, ye are in me and I in you.

“Wherefore, I am in your midst, and I am the good shepherd, and the stone of Israel. He that buildeth upon this rock shall never fall.”⁴

Years ago, I had a mountain towering over me…childhood cancer had over taken over lives.  Our precious 11 month daughter had been diagnosed with leukemia and I just didn’t know if I could bear it all- there were too many unknowns, too may things unanswered, too many responsibilities to juggle, and so much to cry about.  At the time, we were studying the teachings of President Lorenzo Snow.   The lesson after Evalette’s diagnosis was on trials and the relief society presidency asked me to write down my thoughts on my current trials…the title of the lesson stood out to me “From the Shadows into the Glorious Sunshine”.  And that is what the atonement of Jesus Christ does for us; lifts us out of the darkness into the light.  These words always come back to me when I have struggles big or small.  I want to read the thoughts I wrote that day as they convey my testimony and my thoughts on trials and how how putting the Lord’s name on our hearts helps guide us through our trials.      

Dear Sisters-

I feel blessed to have the opportunity to write down a few of my feelings in regards to how my faith is being strengthened during this difficult time for our family.  Truly God is good, he is merciful, he is our ever loving Father.  I know that more now than ever.  

At the very end of March, our beautiful 11 month old daughter, Evalette, was diagnosed with cancer.  We were shocked...how could this be?  She was so pure, so innocent, so young. For the first couple of days I wondered, "Why her, why not me?  Why my sweet baby?"  I felt so torn between being with her and being at home with our other three young boys.  It seemed so unfair.  How could I do it all?  I remember praying that first night in the Intensive Care Unit at Primary's Children Hospital.    Around me the monitors hummed softly, there were murmurs of conversation outside our door, my sweet baby was finally sleeping and was hooked up to a bunch of machines that she needed to keep her alive, and I was trying to process it all.  I began to cry, sob actually.  My heart just couldn't bear it all. It was then that I knew I needed to pray.  So I did.  I prayed and I prayed.  I prayed until I had no more tears.  I prayed until I no longer felt despair.  I prayed until I couldn't deny that things were exactly as they should be.  I was filled with peace and I knew that God was in charge and taking care of us.  I couldn't deny what I felt.  We knew before we came here to earth that we were coming here to grow, to have trials, to become more like God.  I believe that we rejoiced and that we wanted to come to further our growth and likeliness to our Father.  My daughter knew what she was coming here to do and she agreed to do it.  And I agreed to be her strength and to help her when she couldn't do it alone.  There is no use fighting, screaming, or trying to run away.  Instead it would be much better to have faith, get ready to fight, and move forward, understanding that God has our best interests in mind.  He truly does.  So why not leave it all in his hands...he can do it so much better than I.  

And even though it is hard to see my baby in pain, to see her little body going through so much, and to see her struggling to understand what is going on...I know that she is also being strengthened and that she is never alone.  Through so many people's prayers, through angels surrounding her, through her mother's strength and care, and through her Heavenly Father's love she is being watched over and lifted up.  I am reminded of this daily.  From faith, miracles big and small happen.  Our Heavenly Father is ever mindful.        

I know that God loves me.  He loves my daughter.  He loves my family. He loves all of us. He gives us trials so that we may become more like him.  So that we can have a greater understanding of faith, compassion, love, and all that is good.  

So as we fight this battle, as my little family goes through this "trial" or experience is what I actually would rather call it, I choose to see the light instead of the darkness. I choose to have faith instead of despair.  And I choose to praise God even when it doesn't seem fair.  For he knows so much more than I.  And then just as President Lorenzo Snow states, "Every man and woman who serves the Lord, no matter how faithful they may be, have their dark hours; but if they have lived faithfully, light will burst upon them and relief will be furnished."  And it will and for us it has. Truly we are blessed.  

That was a very hard time in our life, but now as I look back at that mountain looming behind me, I am grateful for the journey I experienced crossing over it.  From it, I gained a very personal testimony of my Savior Jesus Christ and of his love for me.

At times we may struggle with big obvious trials such as illness, death of a loved one, or job loss, but then at other times we may struggle with less obvious things like depression, crippling anxiety, loneliness, struggle with our testimony, or the daily grind of life can get us down.  Each of us face trials big and small.  So how does the glorious sunshine eventually shine and overtake the darkness?   Our faith in our Savior Jesus Christ and by having his name written on our hearts as President Eyring says.  

President Eyring continues on in his talk by saying, “My testimony is that the Savior is putting His name in your hearts. For many of you, your faith in Him is increasing. You are feeling more hope and optimism. And you are feeling the pure love of Christ for others and for yourself.

I see it in missionaries serving all over the world. I see it in members who are speaking to their friends and family members about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Men, women, young people, and even children are ministering out of love for the Savior and for their neighbors.

At the first report of disasters across the world, members make plans to go to the rescue, sometimes across oceans, without being asked. They sometimes find it hard to wait until the devastated areas can receive them.

I realize that some of you listening today may feel that your faith and hope are being overcome by your troubles. And you may yearn to feel love.

Brothers and sisters, the Lord has opportunities near you to feel and to share His love. You can pray with confidence for the Lord to lead you to love someone for Him. He answers the prayers of meek volunteers like you. You will feel the love of God for you and for the person you serve for Him. As you help children of God in their troubles, your own troubles will seem lighter. Your faith and your hope will be strengthened.”

As we serve others, as we minister, as we seek to share light with others, our own burdens will be made light, our own darkness will be fade, and our troubles will be less heavy.  

I think that this is a key thing that we need to remember during our struggles is that they can be lighted by serving others.  When we serve others we share the light of Christ with them and our testimony grows and we are strengthened. 

I was able to attend the Relief Society Fireside this past Thursday.  It was beautiful.  Roger and Melanie Hoffman came and led a wonderful musical fireside.  At point Roger told the story of how he came to write the song, “Consider the Lilies”.  I thought it went well with the topic I was speaking on, so I am going to do my best to share it here.  

Back in the 1980’s Roger and Melanie were a young married couple with young children. Roger was working at BYU in the media department and wanted to go off on his own and write music.  So he did just that.  Well that first year they were making a single digit income and finances were very tight, but they made it through.  At one point, someone randomly stopped by and offered them a car which they graciously accepted.  They were in a ward in provo with some older well to do couples who aided and ministered to them.  Sometimes they would find a bag of groceries on their porch or a $50 bill in put in his suit-coat sometime during church.    This was a great blessing to them and they knew that God was taking care of them amidst their current trials and it was through other people.  They wanted to share this message with all their artist friends that God would take care of them and their needs as they went about his business.  So one day, Roger went to a church to use the piano since they couldn’t afford one.  He was just playing around on it when he played a new melody without thinking about it. As he played the melody a few times, lyrics flowed into his mind and he immediately wrote down two verses.

Consider the lilies of the field,

How they grow, how they grow.

Consider the birds in the sky,

How they fly, how they fly.

He clothes the lilies of the field.

He feeds the birds in the sky.

And He will feed those who trust Him,

And guide them with His eye.

Consider the sheep of His fold,

How they follow where He leads.

Though the path may wind across the mountains,

He knows the meadows where they feed.

He clothes the lilies of the field.

He feeds the birds in the sky,

And He will feed those who trust Him,

And guide them with His eye.

This is exactly the message he had wanted to share. God takes care of us and all of his creations.   I know that God is aware of us, of our circumstances, and our struggles.  He loves us and will care for us.  He uses each of us to also care for each other and help lift each other’s burdens.  The atonement of Jesus Christ covers so many aspects of our lives and can lift us when we are down.  

I just want to end by reading the words of a song the primary children have been learning.  The song is called, “The Miracle”.  It will be our privilege to hear the children sing it soon in the primary program.  But for now, listen to the words and ponder them as I read the second verse.

Jesus bled and died

To save me

A price that I could never pay alone

When he rose again he gave me

The greatest gift the world

Has ever known!

Yes I can be forgiven every time I repent

And someday He will lift me up

To live with Him again

Jesus is a god of miracles

Nothing is at all impossible to Him

But I know this;

Of all his miracles the most incredible must be

The miracle that rescues me!

The miracle that rescues you and me!

  

I am so grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ that through it I am rescued and that I can help lift up others to use it in their lives.  I hope and pray that we will all try to have Jesus’ name written on our hearts and that we will share that faith with all those around us.   That we will support each other in our trials and the bumps, hills, or mountains that each of us face in this earthly life.

In conclusion I end with what President Eyring said to end his talk, “I bear you my witness that the Savior knows and loves you. He knows your name as you know His. He knows your troubles. He has experienced them. By His Atonement, He has overcome the world. By your being willing to take His name upon you, you will lift the burdens of countless others. And you will find in time that you know the Savior better and that you love Him more. His name will be in your heart and fixed in your memory. It is the name by which you will be called. I so witness, with gratitude for His loving-kindness to me, to my loved ones, and to you, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.”