I am really thankful to those stood by me and encouraged me through my tough days. I will definitely remember all your kind words. Finally, i am done with 'A' levels and pj. Hooray!
The tough journey had ended with a sweet note last night with prom and post-prom. The highlight of the celebration was on post prom. It was crazily fun and awesome! We drink, drank and drunk. But i wasn't. Hahaha, i was just feeling high to my max. I did so many things that i would not have done in my normal self. How could i possibly dance on the podium and... I think i better not elaborate here. :x That was so not me. But it also made me realise who were the ones that were genuinely nice and true. :)
It was so rare of one to do this. You had left a sweet impression on me. I think im gonna lose my mindddd
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Giving up
Sometimes I try hard not to mention unhappy stuff on my blog because it's only the happy memories that are meant to be kept. I don't want people to view me as a pessimist, someone who is constantly negative, feeling demoralized who dampen others' feelings. But, today i shall make an exception to that. I've practically no where else to vent my frustrations but my own blog. To remind anyone who is reading the following, i am not depressed. I am just troubled and feeling miserable.
I feel like giving up, my studies i meant. And this thought was persistently stuck on my mind. Initially, I thought i could have gotten over it and make a comeback. But, little did i know, i have gave in into my lack of determination and perseverance. In the midst of this A levels, I felt as if I wasn't taking exams. I literally relaxed and did last minute studying. Yes, I know, I relaxed, which I shouldn't. But who the hell knows what am i feeling. I was distracted, lazy and tired of all this shit. I know people gonna belittle me and yes, those people are gonna have the last laugh.
I know i am not gonna make it for this A levels. And I am afraid... I don't want to face my own failure. But what choice am i left with. What's considered a right and wrong choice? What's life about? Doing what others say is right? Or conforming to the social norms? I am lost... I desire to be freed from this college and this routine. And when I finally got it (the break after prelims ended), i got out of hand. My heart strayed. I no longer wanna stick to this exam, this rigid education system. I am scared, inferior and guilty. This fears are consuming me every single night. Is anyone out there experiencing the exact stuff as me? I am so sorry towards my parents and those who had high expectations of me, who cheered me on all this while. I am really very sorry. I want to escape from this haunting nightmare. Actually, i wanted to skip the rest of my exams the night before the start of my econs paper 1. I was contemplating, but I told myself to complete all the papers at the very least. I shed a little tears every time i was on the bus way back home after the papers. I called my mum, but i couldn't bring myself to tell her what i am feeling because i knew she was tired from taking care of my newborn nephew this few weeks and i didn't want to trouble her. Sometimes I at a loss without her presence for the whole of this month. This made me realised how dependent i was on her. I was contented just hearing her voice over the phone. I had nobody to cry to, but myself and the dog. Mocha was a great companion all these while. I couldn't agree more to the saying 'Dogs are man's best friend'. Although she didn't has the ability to talk, she was listening and there for me. She welcomed me home everyday, and wagged her tail to show how elated she was when i came home. That made me felt a lot better. I wished i could meet her(Mocha) in person the next lifetime of mine.
I needed someone to tell me, no matter how bad am i, they are still gonna love me, support me in every way i do. What will i be without this cert 10 years down the road? I am not sure. But is studies the main priority, the main route of everybody's live? Does studies equate to money? Are we all pursuing over that monetary gains? Why aren't we pursing our own dreams when life is short? Maybe that's what loser like me says. I know. I am such a worthless person. A person without determination and self discipline.
My uncertainties... My fears... My unwillingness to study...
And i just received a demoralizing text. YES, I SHOULD HAVE CHOSEN POLY YEARS BACK. Yes,it is a shame on me. Yes, i know i gonna regret 10years down the road for failing this A levels. Yes, i am gonna suffer the next decade. But, fuck it. Are you leading my life?
I feel like giving up, my studies i meant. And this thought was persistently stuck on my mind. Initially, I thought i could have gotten over it and make a comeback. But, little did i know, i have gave in into my lack of determination and perseverance. In the midst of this A levels, I felt as if I wasn't taking exams. I literally relaxed and did last minute studying. Yes, I know, I relaxed, which I shouldn't. But who the hell knows what am i feeling. I was distracted, lazy and tired of all this shit. I know people gonna belittle me and yes, those people are gonna have the last laugh.
I know i am not gonna make it for this A levels. And I am afraid... I don't want to face my own failure. But what choice am i left with. What's considered a right and wrong choice? What's life about? Doing what others say is right? Or conforming to the social norms? I am lost... I desire to be freed from this college and this routine. And when I finally got it (the break after prelims ended), i got out of hand. My heart strayed. I no longer wanna stick to this exam, this rigid education system. I am scared, inferior and guilty. This fears are consuming me every single night. Is anyone out there experiencing the exact stuff as me? I am so sorry towards my parents and those who had high expectations of me, who cheered me on all this while. I am really very sorry. I want to escape from this haunting nightmare. Actually, i wanted to skip the rest of my exams the night before the start of my econs paper 1. I was contemplating, but I told myself to complete all the papers at the very least. I shed a little tears every time i was on the bus way back home after the papers. I called my mum, but i couldn't bring myself to tell her what i am feeling because i knew she was tired from taking care of my newborn nephew this few weeks and i didn't want to trouble her. Sometimes I at a loss without her presence for the whole of this month. This made me realised how dependent i was on her. I was contented just hearing her voice over the phone. I had nobody to cry to, but myself and the dog. Mocha was a great companion all these while. I couldn't agree more to the saying 'Dogs are man's best friend'. Although she didn't has the ability to talk, she was listening and there for me. She welcomed me home everyday, and wagged her tail to show how elated she was when i came home. That made me felt a lot better. I wished i could meet her(Mocha) in person the next lifetime of mine.
I needed someone to tell me, no matter how bad am i, they are still gonna love me, support me in every way i do. What will i be without this cert 10 years down the road? I am not sure. But is studies the main priority, the main route of everybody's live? Does studies equate to money? Are we all pursuing over that monetary gains? Why aren't we pursing our own dreams when life is short? Maybe that's what loser like me says. I know. I am such a worthless person. A person without determination and self discipline.
My uncertainties... My fears... My unwillingness to study...
And i just received a demoralizing text. YES, I SHOULD HAVE CHOSEN POLY YEARS BACK. Yes,it is a shame on me. Yes, i know i gonna regret 10years down the road for failing this A levels. Yes, i am gonna suffer the next decade. But, fuck it. Are you leading my life?
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