Christmas season

Once again, christmas season is here again. 3rd time in this church, first time feeling uncertainties, fear of meeting new people, yet knowing that this is the right place God wants me to be in, therefore feeling joyful at the same time. 2nd time spent feeling onz to have the desire to invite friends to church and feeling excited but scared at the same time while hosting friends. 3rd time this year, praying for God to open up the hearts of people and soften their hearts to receive Him, always feeling deeply convicted that knowing Him is the best decision of my life. The desire to see transformation in friends, desire to see them n family as ur fellow family in Christ as well. Invited a few friends, they didnt reply. And realised that ignoring made me feel worse than rejecting. Always trying to submit my feelings n emotions to God, seeking Him for assurance n comfort in this area during this season. 

Nevertheless feeling thankful for realising God's love for me n growing in His love. He who never fails will always be there to guide us, only when we are willing to let Him lord over our lives and allow Him to hold the pen to every area of our lives:) praise be to God for the gift of salvation so freely given to us through Jesus Christ, not by our works but the grace of God n our faith in Him will we be saved. 

When things really happened...

then I realised the vulnerable side of me, then I realised how hard it was to grapple with my emotions. Inside me just felt so terrible, although to many others this really seemed like its a small thing. I know I have trouble managing my emotions, but I am strong in the way I face up to situations in the sense that I will not run away to escape.

I hit a car today. I was driving rounds in the small little lanes along the shophouses opposite our church to look for a carpark lot for my REACH lunch, I was looking on the right for incoming traffic on the main road, I saw that the coast was clear, so I stepped my accelerator, BAM. I didn't take notice of the car that was still stationary in front of me. I was in shocked for a couple of seconds, and I calmly got out of the car to exchange details, take photos etc.. I apologized and we drove off. I didn't want to turn back in anymore, I decided to go to concourse car park. I stopped in one of the lots, and I realised I couldn't hold my emotions together. I need to report this incident to the centre as well. I skipped the lunch. I couldn't bring myself to go in my state of mind. Called my uncle who is my insurer, whatsapp my family n told them about it. Advised to settle the matter privately and compensate him with my own money instead of claiming insurance. Because the damage done wasn't bad enough or worth it to claim the insurance, and by claiming i will only have to pay for even more in insurance forever after this year. Thank God this guy is very friendly, didn't show any temper on me, otherwise I think I will be traumatised even more. Really grateful in these little comforting things that God has given me. My family was very supportive in actions, parents helped me search for insurance certificate, brother helped me to talk to my uncle to discuss how it should be done and look on the net for info. Inside me, I felt afraid to face them. Cus I knew if I were to see them face to face, they will blame me for being reckless continuously. which was true. Mom did nag at me for being reckless, but thank God I seemed to be able to feel 'okay', I didn't feel like crying etc. Another comforting surprise when Pastor Jeff spoke to me on the phone to ask if I'm okay and advised me not to get cheated etc.. lol really thankful for his heart to care for his people in church, though he didn't know me personally :) its also comforting to have someone close to accompany me to report and gave me some food to eat..lol :)

Things aren't finished. I still have to go down and pay for the repairs when they are done. goto look for a decent workshop that opens on sunday. need to sign an agreement to state that he will not claim insurance from my insurer. I will face it, and I will face it strong with God alongside supporting me.

I guess some things that happen in people's lives may seem to be minor, probably cus they have been through much worse and much more. and when I think about it, this is indeed a small matter (I guess), and since I didn't meet such things this magnitude before, I guess I tend to feel less strong. I'm sure God will put me through even more such tests and situations in my life in the time to come to build me up, and I will be ready to face it one by one, God will always be in control of every situation of my life.

my first

It was my first time leading worship ytd during lg... yuzhu n I were to plan for lg ytd, so we included worship. and i sort of self-arrowed myself with a little probe from my shep to lead worship. lol. From mon till wed evening, I felt so paralyzed...with uncertainties, fear and lack of understanding that I couldn't do other things thats on my list, other than to read up on how to lead worship and pray for God to open my mind and heart and also comfort me as I stepped out of that little comfortable bubble of mine. Its really hard to step out of comfort zones, my heart is just so disobedient and its so unsettled. but I know that if I don't ever step out of any comfort zones, willingly or not, I will never learn more things, grow and do more things for God and allow Him to expand my capacity.

I never spent so much time preparing for this before.. lol I took a really long long time to settle my heart down, to communicate with my lg's guitarist and discuss and rehearse, to find out which key I'm comfortable to sing in, what kind of songs, what sequence, what is it that God wants me to speak to edify the lg, what God is speaking to meee .. etc etc Dx but on a positive note, if i don't ever put myself in such training ground now; at the season where I believe God wants me to grow in His word and also build stronger roots n foundation so I can stand firm when the thunderstorm season is here, when i start work all the more I wouldn't have the time and attention to focus as much as I am able now. lol.

Having worried so much n feeling anxious, during the last 2 hours before my lg, i simply sat down to eat my favourite soup spoon n drink my favourite green tea latte from starbucks. haha n i just wan to seek assurance that God is there with me and I need not feel afraid, praying for myself to put my trust in Him that He will lead me through. Thank God for david playing the guitar as well, who even skyped me near midnight to rehearse once through with me and came down earlier to practise with me before lg, and still had to rush back to work after worship. gave me a lot of pointers as well. Everything was much better than i thought it would be...praise God! :) in fact I didn't feel any nervousness and I'm very sure this peace and comfort can only comes from God Himself, just like during my uni days when I was to present projects or tutorials to the class :) He gave me calmness and assurance because i trust that He will be there with me and walk alongside me. hehehe. yay! I felt so refreshed after that :D though the last part wasn't well planned and executed :( guessed my concentration was too affected in preparing for the worship that I didn't do the other part well. Its a good learning experience, nonetheless :) hope i can do even better for God next time

21.1km

I still can't believe that I really finished the 21.1km...in 3.7hours. hahaha xD To think back my JC days, I can only run continuously for 1km and I would stop and walk, thats why I always fail my 2.4-.- this time, though I still walked most of my second half, I managed to run continuously for 10km :) and many of the times during this stretch I focused on God to give me the joy and energy to run, and I just felt a sudden refreshing boost of energy being pumped into me, and my energy level felt like I was back when I first started running. Has been a great time of bonding and chatting with amanda x) haha

I realised the more I feel tired, the harder it is for me to focus on God because the tiredness can be much more overwhelming than my wanting to focus on God. I hope I can 'exercise' and 'strengthen' my faith during this last 2 months just like I exercise and strengthen my own physical body when I prepared for this race! :D

Certain things occurred during this race that allowed me to be firm in what I believe in: There was a part where we could just 'cut' across the grass patch and we can run much lesser than to run around to the other side. I was asked if we wanted to run across but I thank God my reaction was fast and firm and knew very well that I should not do that. God also gave me the wisdom on how to reply to the request and I thought it must be the HS guiding me since I don't think I'm able to respond such things so quickly. lol. I said then we will never cover 21.1km in reality so if we take the finishing medal we wouldn't feel as shiok cus we know the fact is that we didn't finish it ma.

God cares more about how we get there.

As we ran there were indicators along to indicate how much we've ran, and below will be a little message such as "It's too late to quit now that you've run this far!".. but one made me disagree with it... "Pain is temporary, but pride lasts forever". Pride doesn't last forever -.- and pride sounds negative to me when I first saw it. I believe working on things that may be painful in the process but are things that will last eternally in God's kingdom are what really matters, its just that these eternal things can be intangible on earth sometimes we think its hard to work on them.

All in all its a great experience :) but somehow my weight got heavier after that -,-? lol

I felt immensely blessed...

through this period of celebrations that the people around me have showered me with. All the foodie treats, gifts, cakes, prayers n words of affirmation. I thought as I grew older I will be less looking forward to this time of the year, but I still somehow look forward cus this is the time where I will feel so intoxicated with love everywhere x'D I wouldn't want to compare the different measures of blessings I received over the years, because each of these years I will feel blessed and loved in different ways, and definitely unexpected in some ways too :D

This is my third year celebrating my birthday after I decided to go back to God, and I really feel so thankful and grateful how far God has brought me to where I am today. How He has moulded me through my downs, how He has blessed me with my ups, and how He has been with me through all my ups and downs xD

Browsing through my followuppers' whatsapp group from beginning till the end, and saw how God has blessed me with loads of encouragement and love from these ladies as well as how God has moved in my life during the first 6 months in Hope Sg. hahaha. Also saw how xc was so ke qi in the way she spoke to me till now the bu ke qi. xD I read the part when I was going to get water baptised... the process of communicating it to my mom and testing her waters were really really scary. and i was kinda shocked at myself now that I thought about it again, lol. Also saw how my mom has changed her perspective of me, from saying I wasn't mature enough to make such a decision...to her buying me a super valuable and invaluable cross necklace... omgosh. Did this just happen last year? haha things can really change so much in a year, and I'm really thankful for the fruitful years I've been living with God thus far :)

Also mentioned in the group before that I had a barrier to receive from people, when chloe n xc wanted to give me a treat for our last followup. hahaha. I remembered I was quite stubborn in receiving things/treats from people, and that I was very insistent also. Instead of thinking that God is blessing me through them and that they are also blessed by giving, I kept thinking I will feel very paiseh to receive and spending money on me. In fact I was taught that it also takes humility to receive, and I had some pride issues for not wanting to receive from people when offered. haha. I guessed after one year, my 'paiseh-ness' has largely transformed to become the feelings of 'touched' and 'blessed', thank God for allowing people to speak into my life :) many more things to work on with God!

Looking forward to teach and see what God has for me!! :D be it challenges or blessed times, I'm sure one year later I will look back thanking God for bringing me through!

I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds. Psalm 77:11-12

when I realised I'm self-centered...

its always the time when I've done the damage to people's feelings that I realised I'm being selfish. I only know its not right only when I can feel the impact, and it is always so late. And I always feel so regretful for whatever I said and the fear that there may be cracks in the friendships, whoever I may offend. But I thank God for these wonderful close friendships given to me, so that I may freely reveal the true thoughts within me, many times without giving much thought, showed my raw self to them, which allowed God to work in me and made me realised my imperfections despite the many affirmations I received everywhere. Maybe I got a little too complacent within that God wanted to remind me not to be complacent. I also thank God for these friends, despite knowing these flaws, still stood by me and love me with patience. I praise God for the chance to repent for my sins.

Running

Ohmy the 21.1km half marathon is creeping near, and its only 1 week plus away :o I signed up for it because my friend wanted to go for it to have an 'achievement' for finishing 21.1km and get the finishing medal. lol and during this period of intensive training gave me a lot of 'qy' theories as I ran in bishan park, gym and swim in the pool.

I really hated running in the past, I feared and disliked to run, especially my secondary and JC days. I always feel like vomiting at the thought of PE whenever my PE period is approaching near after my lesson ends. I fear getting teased by my classmates, fear that I couldn't run and have to walk, fear that I will be the last in the class, fear that the teacher would ask us to run as a class together and I will be a burden to them, fear I will pant too much and die on the spot. lol! Its kinda funny now I think of it, but that's so real back then. As I ran yesterday evening, the recollection of my past allowed me to know how far I've overcame my fear. The more I fear something, I do even more, knowing that its for my own good... yeah running is the cheapest exercise :P haha and keeps me healthy and makes me feel less guilt eating yummy food :D I guess the same applies when there are certain situations in our lives that may cause us to fear doing it or overcoming it. As long as we know we can't avoid it, we must do even more to overcome the fear and probably even fall in love after some time >:)

When we run without looking at our stopwatches or knowing wheres the end point, we just keep running. For me, looking at my stopwatch will slow me down, because the moment i look at how long I've ran, I will always think I either ran too long thats why I can stop running, or I ran too short and theres so long way to go and I felt like giving up . lol so either way I will start the stopwatch but will not look at it until I reached my end point. I guess life is the same. We don't know how much time we have left here, we just keep running and running. But even if sometimes we don't look at the stopwatch, we feel so tired n wanna give up. Its funny to say I rely on God even when I run..hahah! but sometimes its so powerful that I'm glad I thought of God as I ran :) yesterday I managed to run about 4.6km without stopping at a record time! yaay.and without listening to any music also. lol. We just keep running and running in our lives, don't know where we will go to, but as we rely on God, He will definitely lead us to a place we know we ought to be at :)

As I ran, sometimes people will overtake me or sometimes I get to overtake elderly(lol).. this is some kind of pressure/motivation as I run in this world as well. The moment I see someone running the same path as I do, I can't help but try to keep up so I can run even faster than when I run alone. As long as we know where to balance this kinda 'comparison', jiu ok ba. If I yearn to compare so much with people around, then my intention to run is just to win everybody else thats running, which shouldn't be my intention in the first place.

Signing up for a marathon indeed motivated me to exercise regularly these days x)

Repeated reminders to cherish lives

People kept saying to cherish lives, cus life is unpredictable and you never know what will happen tomorrow. We know that theres only one life on earth and how will we choose to live it, its totally up to our freewill. God desires for us to do His will and fulfill our purpose here on earth, but how urgent and important do we view this matter is another concern. It didn't really hit me how life can be so fragile and unpredictable until when I heard someone I knew just passed on, someone that is my age. Though not a close friend, I've known him since primary school. He was truly a person that people respected. How do we want people to remember us when we leave this earth?

Chasing after things like wealth and power are said repeatedly that they are merely material, temporal and wouldn't last for eternal. It is true that they can only stay with us during our days on earth, and when we leave, we will leave with nothing. But why do most of us still somehow chase blindly after all these? To seek the acknowledgement of people around, get ourselves feel good because what we achieved is more n better than others in terms of the world, to be able to retire early with fat savings n live comfortably for the rest of our lifetime. Why just focus on this short life span when we can live for eternal? maybe cus we yearn to see tangible and immediate results that can satisfy us immensely, even if its a short period of time. We didn't want to work on something that is unseen and does not reap tangibly like how wealth can show its fruit. I guess the most important element here is faith, to believe and trust in God that He is sovereign and we will find the sense of fulfillment that can only be found in Him alone n not the things of this world. God told us to focus on things that are unseen which is eternal and not on things seen that are temporary. By the grace of God, we came to this earth with nothing, and all that we have are given by God, we are merely stewards of things entrusted to us, and we will leave this earth with nothing. Anyway we don't own anything in the first place, everything we have belongs to God, so even if He is to take away everything, we are just back to where we originally were. lol. How can we live to our fullest potential that God has created us to become...is just to be willing, to yearn to live for God, to offer ourselves as a living sacrifice..all these sounded so familar, and yet I may become immuned to these words because they are being repeated so often and they just didnt hit me like the truth.

Though I must admit I do not yet have the full heart to live courageously and give my all to God, I pray that my heart will grow to become more and more attached to God and grow my love for Him that I can put away all my human excuses to serve Him wholeheartedly; my fear of stepping out of comfort zones, fear of how people view me.

Ultimately, I know I only have one lifetime to fulfill my purpose God has for me on earth, to do things that will bring impact to His Kingdom that is eternal and not focus on things that will just be left behind on this earth. I guess I shouldn't view death to be a fearful thing, for if we choose to live our lives fully for God and when the time comes for us to go, we know that God has completed His work in our lives :)

The kind of soil

2 years back when I was still in Brisbane, my ex-shepherd affirmed me again n again that I have good soil in my heart. At that moment I didn't quite know what exactly it meant but they just sounded encouraging and nice to me. It was only much later when I read in the Bible about the parable of the sower. As I read the different types of environment that the seed was being planted in, I knew I wasn't in the good soil category when I first received Christ. That was.. about 5 years ago.

I was a seed that fell along the path that is also abit rocky. haha! I did not fully understand the message that was preached, it did not hit my heart like its the truth. I did not have much roots because I was worried and troubled that my family may persecute me and afraid of how my friends may view me.

But God, the Father who first loved us and always loves us, He called me that I knew its definitely Him who was calling out for me, so clearly I didn't dare not to obey, so clearly that touched me to want to run into His arms and never to leave again.

The exchange in Brisbane gave me a direction and a purpose for me to head to when I was back in Singapore. A direction that changed my life, a purpose that gave me the courage to break through the emotional barriers within myself and stepping out of my comfort zones; the eager and yearning to get close to God and know Him more and more.

God can definitely change people's hearts, lifting the seeds that may be on paths or rocky grounds to soil that is good and reap 30,60 and 100 folds.

The life that is filled with a sense of fulfillment by living for God alone.

God's test in Korea

It was the last night in Korea and xc n I went to a roadside cart stall near to our guesthouse for supper at about 11pm. We wanted to experience eating BBQ stuffs n drink makgeolli like those in the TV dramas. I assumed that this sort of roadside tents would be cheap, so I didn't think twice about ordering. We ordered a small plate of chicken, chicken stomach, pork belly, mushrooms, 4 sticks of garlic and 1 bottle of makgeolli. These food were really yummy and the auntie was really friendly to us too.

Little did we expect that when I asked for the bill, the meal cost about $95 in total. $17 for 4 sticks of garlic, $17 for a bottle of makgeolli which I could conveniently bought it at $2 in the convenience store right beside..(and the auntie actually ran to the convenience store to buy a few bottles to stock up). At that point in time I was simply too shocked and overwhelmed to be able to calm myself down and seek for God's wisdom and His help. I knew I wouldn't have enough to pay and I felt really flustered.

Thank God there's a Singaporean man sitting beside us, he offered to pay the meal for us, like omg? I was about $25 short, so while he gave us the amount we needed, i asked xc to sit there and wait for me while i run back to the guesthouse on my own to get SGD. I ran along the streets filled with men who just walked out of the pubs and into the quiet dark alley towards my guesthouse. I quickly unlocked the door with my trembling hands n grabbed my SGD in my secret pouch. I decided to run to the convenience store to ask for directions to the money changer. and as expected, he hand-signaled me that they should be closed by now. I felt really devastated and panicked.

As I approached the stall again, xc was sitting there, her face of emotions filled with anger, doubt and 不甘愿。The recollection of this sight of her made me feel sorry for not seeking her in my decision making, and this bad experience on our last night in Korea. anyhow, I explained to the Singaporean man that we needed to change more cash for our pickup to the airport the next day, he quickly took out his wallet again and offered to give any amount we needed. I insisted that he should take my SGD in exchange for his won. Thank God for his generosity and heart to help out fellow Singaporeans overseas :) So in the end we paid the auntie n she bade us goodbye happily, and i was trying to force out a smile n waved back.

Through this valuable(really valuable literally,lol) experience, I learnt about my weaknesses, and the absolute need to calm down, be still, and know that there is God to seek advice from. God has been putting me to tests such as these; situations that will make me feel panicky and this is when my emotions will take hold of me and I was unable to be still and rely on God to lead me. I tend to resolve such situations using my own strength, depending on my own thoughts. Besides being more calm and seek God, I should also discuss w xc to come up with a better decision how to deal with the situation instead of taking it on single-handedly.

No matter what the outcome is, whether I could have paid less or I get cheated on, God is in absolute control of the situation. Even if I had to pay so much in the end, God is still in full control. Though He may feel disappointed with me cus I didnt seek Him during such crisis, He nonetheless still opened a way out for me to resolve the situation; sending a fellow generous Singaporean businessman to change currency, keeping me safe while I was alone running to get my SGD and xc while she was alone at the stall. I truly believe that even in such situations where theres so much to complain about it, theres also so much to be thankful for; and if I concentrate on those thankful moments, theres nothing to complain about :) I am quite shocked I didnt feel much pain losing that amount of money, thank God for protecting my heart :)