chionging for the As

ah yes...the preparation for the big As has started in my life. all that chiong-ing of homework has taken its toll on me and i realised, that i work best when everyone else is asleep. perhaps it is because i simply love the challenge of seeing how long i can tahan =)

the previous two nights/mornings were spent chiong-ing my maths homework in which i worked all the way till 4 and 5 am in the morning on 2 separate occasions. this of course, has resulted in my nocturnal being, in which i awake at like...12 in the afternoon. haha. so you see, i can't afford to do this when school reopens and i'm seriously wondering where the hell am i going to get extra time to do my tutorials, revise the work i just learnt, and revise the work i learnt in J1, have consultations with my tutors, do quiet time, juggle all the SFC and church commitments, sleep, eat and shit (these are, by the way, life's best moments that God has given us :} )

i never felt so accomplished in my entire life. Mr Koo better be proud of me =) so should de silva. hahahaha. anyway, doing my homework has made me realise something else. there's nothing interesting on the computer and i can always live without it during the holidays. then again, the kepoh singaporean within me will be dying to find out what's up in my fellow friends' lives.

with my family in Malaysia, i have the whole house to myself to study and do all that crap =D but that also means im left to struggle with AP GP, summation of series, integration, inequalities etc. sigh..maths and i are not friends. but i must master them all. i finally gotten binomial theorem though :)

JIA YOU!! back to work. yes....

homework...killjoy

i'm still living in denial. i do not have homework...yes.

WAHHHHHHHHHHH. i hate homework. hate hate hate hate hate.

and the fact that i need to treasure every single second to study and do my homework isn't helping. BLAH. i'd rather be in udon thani building houses, helping my brother with his overtime job stuff, sit in an office and do admin work or even clean the house then to do my homework and study.

my homework makes me feel so demoralised. it sucks all hope out of me. seeing how much i'm struggling to do my sums or understand or remember things makes me feel terrible, thinking that i'll never survive for my A levels. oh my goodness. i can't believe it...the horrible big As!!!!!!! i know...my homework and study stress is arriving..DIE LAAAAAA

how how how how...must study! no matter how much i hate it.....

OH GOD GIVE ME THE STRENGTH AND PERSEVERANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

older....17th birthday

AHHHHHH...i'm growing.....OLDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.. =(

i can't believe it.

when i was younger.....18 years old seemed...a million years later (yeeeaa...i know...my maths is really bad...how can anyone take 18 years as a million?!?!?) now...it's just a next year....bah...

it's been ages since i last celebrated my birthday at home. the past few years has either been school, camp or chalet. i'm so used to the fact that my birthday always has something on that i never bother organising anything on my birthday. i forgot to organise an outing whatsoever....so here i am, at home, after a meeting in school...watching lake house on the dvd....with my dad at home yakking away at i don't know what....and my brother in tuition and at work. you know, right now i feel like one of those kid actors in "i not stupid" while the voice over speaks my thoughts. haha. nonetheless. as much as this birthday is one of the least eventful ones, i sincerely believe it's also the one with the most well wishes. perhaps it's because i'm in jc and have more friends now. haha. yes.

Firstly, thanks to gland and shukun who wished me a happy birthday...like last week. haha. i was really quite amused because they were either unable to wish me on my actual day or they were afraid they would forget. haha.

then there's clarissa and sarah who wished me at arond 12 midnight....

and there's a whole lot of other people who wished me as well to make my day special =) Thanks man. i seriously have NEVER EVER received so many wishes in my entire life..and it all came at different timings. so i had birthday wishes throughout the entire day :) you guys made my day feel extra special. =)))))

Special thanks to Kevin who bought me a cake, Mr Lim who treated me to drinks, the Saints Fitness and SFC exco and camp commers who sang happy birthday in the weirdly very low out-of-tune happy birthday song that made me blush and laugh and last but not least, CHARLENE who did alot for my birthday. hahahahhahaa.

a nice and superbly funny e card which tickled me loads:

and a very funny tribute on her blog

:

HEY CHAR!! thanks for brightening up my day so much. hahahaha. love u loads!!!!!!!!!!!!

OCIP

wow...time passes really fast. especially so when u are enjoying things so much. =(

OCIP was awesome. superbly awesome. i didn't want to go back home. it wasn't a 5 star comfort whatsoever, but it was the best overseas trip i ever had. the most meaningful one too. during the entire trip, i learnt alot of things, got so much back from it. so much more than what i gave. Thank you Father, for blessing me with this AWESOME opportunity.

it was very much a spiritual retreat for me actually. i thought i would have too many things on that i won't have time to do my quiet time. as u see from my previous entry, that was one of my prayer requests =) God really has a sense of humour. on the first day of the trip, i was placed to sit alone with a stranger. and yea. right there and then, i could do my quiet time and God really spoke to me and reassured me that He was in charge of every single thing and He would bring me through it. well,i changed my planned devotion and shared with the rest what God blessed me with. =)

i'm very thankful for the chance to be in charge of devotion. sure, i was really scared and nervous and all, but God really showed me the way and taught me to really rely on Him, taught me that i'm merely a tool for Him to use and that it's about Him, not me. i was so afraid that the devotions would be so christian that it would turn people off, but i'm glad it spoke to some of them and it was very encouraging receiving short messages from people telling me about how devotion has blessed them =) praise God for answering the prayers =)

apart from the plane ride, God also gave me other times alone and quiet to spend time with Him. you see, i share my room with two other people, but since they are in the comm, i often have the room all to myself till late at night, when i go to bed. haha. so yea, no one else would come and disturb me while i just sit there and do my quiet time =) yea. so thank God for that too =)

Thank God that everything planned went smoothly =) the HIV orphanage visit, the school visit, the building of houses etc. the kids there are really amazing. they are super friendly and all, both in the school and in the orphanage. we are all so alien, not speaking their language and stuff, but they welcomed us with great smiles, laughters, hugs and all. they were just so open to us, they didn't care who we were and all, they just loved us all the same. it was really heartwarming to see them so happy, so loving, so supportive of one another, even when someone got hurt in the midst of playing, they gathered together to see if he was ok. amazing kids. loved them so much that i'm amazed at myself too. i was never good with kids by the way, so it was really a surprise to me to even play with them.

the school visit was really a surprising one. we expected some run down village school in which their stage was this wooden platform. how wrong were we. that school was located right beside a beautiful park and a lake, with all their classroom air conditioned, having 4 swimming pools, cashless system, whereby each student has an identity number and they basically deposit a certain amount for each student. works sort of like a cash card system, but they even have a photo attached to each profile to make sure that the kid using that ID is really that kid. man. it's super high tech. they even had those cool marquee things in their hall to welcome us. it read "Don Brosco welcomes the Saints" and in thai and other sentences as well. it felt..wow. contrary to what the principal told us, they spoke pretty good english and they were really friendly, they were the ones to approach us and talk to us....in ENGLISH! yes. we exchanged emails and all and took photos =) so nice. their school is so much better than ours. similar to the SA village too, from kindergarten all the way to JC and they take triple science. their school system is really very siong. they have school 6 days a week, from 8 to 5, excluding CCA. everyone there aims to go to the most prestigious university. so yea. it's super stressful there. but the environment there is really awesome. it felt alot like in the show "Princess Hours" =)

the building of house was great too =) although it was tiring and gross working in wet cemented gloves and horribly hot rubber boots which gave u horrible abrasions, it was all a great experience, mixing cement, making the floor, building up the walls, climbing up on scaffolds, slapping cement on like ice cream......man. thinking about it makes me so nice and happy. i miss chay and bomb and all. sigh....and the dogs there. oh ya. i must announce this

WE ARE THE FIRST TEAM TO BUILD A HOUSE IN JUST 2 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!

awesome ain't it??

anyway, the best thing on the trip was the really unexpected sharing session on one of the nights. pam and i wanted to have a praise and worship sessions originally, but because neither us of us knew how to play the guitar or lead in songs, we didn;t do it. but thanks to wan ling the the other christians in the team, they initiated a praise and worship sessions. it was really more of a sing-a-long session because christian songs are really nice. we got a chance to share our testimonies, ms lee, wan lin and myself and i'm very happy that God spoke to some of them through us. God's hand was really in this entire trip as He brought me through the entire thing safely and healthily =)

blah...im too lazy to update more stuff.....schweet schweet memories ;))))

OCIP Prayer requests

ok. here's the big day..the leave for OCIP

Please pray for

• Safety - while we're working, journey there and back
• Health - we're working with HIV kids as well so..yeah.. bird flu, poor adaptability, that we won't lao sai there etc
• that all our programs will go smoothly
• VERY IMPORTANTLY: daily devotions. There's very little christians, there's only about 5 of us Christians, and even then, majority of those christians didn't own up when the teacher asked, so mm.....says quite abit about their walk with God.
• Pray that through their leading of devotion, God will speak to them as well as the other non-christians in the group.
• For us christians leading devotion, that we will be sensitive to the Holy Spirit and allow Him to lead.
• Pray for reassurance in leading devotion. Practically all of us, including myself, have never led in devotion before, so we're all nervous and scared and clueless.
• For us christians to really grab this devotion session as an opportunity to reach out to the other non-christian saints.
• spiritual attacks. some of my friends that went for a mission trip to thailand experienced spiritual attacks there. Pray that even as i spend time with God and try to reach out to others that both the team and myself are protected.
• oh ya. i'm also very scared. i don't know why, i don't feel a sense of peace at all and i have no clue why. so do really pray for the team, especially Matthew and myself.

Thanks for your prayers and offers to pray.

to my fellow camp comm members, even though matt and i can't be there to work with for the next few meetings onwards as well as the recce trips and dry runs, we'll be supporting you guys in Thailand with our prayers as well =)

See you guys soon!!

pre-OCIP feelings

time is ticking by...and that means the OCIP trip is drawing nearer.

honestly, i'm more afraid than excited.

afraid of not being able to adapt, afraid of not being able to do what i was supposed to do etc etc, so many questios, so many fears.

the only good thing that is coming out of this is that i'm going to have to learn how to lead devotion, and hopefully, lead me to be bold enough to lead in other activities as well. Leading devotion isn;t about me but rather, asking God to plan it, seeking Him to ask Him what He wants. i don't think i have everything He wants on the plan, but having to plan for devotion also made me sit down and really wait upon Him, to really seek Him, and it helped me to settle my heart and mind down, and it felt really good being able to spend PROPER time with God again. thank you God for this opportunity to grow, learn and develop further =)

perhaps this OCIP will turn out great in the end....hopefully... =)

scared

shucks. i think i caught the flu bug. my nose is suckily blocked.

i'm scared.

OCIP is coming soon.






and i don't feel the wee bit prepared.

YIKES.

oh. and the anti malaria pills are scary. the doctor said it could cause hallucination and depression. now THAT is making me hallucinate. i'm scared...

homejoy

i'm tired -___- zzz...

ok. things i have to do:

1. Chinese As
2. WR
3. OP
4. I&R
5. GPF
6. SFC Camp Planning
7. OCIP planning
8. OCIP trip
9. SFC Camp
10. YF Camp
11. SFC Retreat
12. Family holiday
13. YF Leaders retreat
14. Yeo Family retreat (the irony is only my mum is a yeo and we're not. i dun wanna go for this..urgh)
15. COMPLETE HOLIDAY HOMEWORK
16. CATCH UP WITH THIS YEAR'S WORK
17. hound teachers with questions. har har.

well..so that's 3 items off the list. hmm..ok. i have many many holiday homework to do. and i;m starting on my lit. BUT. as u can see, i'm a very easily distracted person. anyway. i'm annoyed at the poetry forms research because all the websites say similar yet different stuff i don't know who to trust. and i dun even understand it laaaaaaaaaaaaa....me = uncultured singlish speaking singaporean ah beng.

anyway. OP went pretty well i must say. even after the nerves that all of us nearly broke under. except abbas, who wasn't any slightest bit seemed affected by it. thank God. you know, PW has drawn my group closer together and i supposed it all happened it a good way. and i did learn alot from PW. so as tiring as it is, i believe that they should continue implementing it. HAHAHA. yes. torture the juniors. come to think of it....i do kinda miss it. i mean...all these while slogging out guts out. looking back.....man....i feel accomplished =) thank God.

back to holiday homework homejoy.

new family =)

i have a new brother. **BEAMS**

no. my mum is not pregnant. if she is, i'll just scream and drop dead and pretend it was all just a nightmare.

anyway, my mum adopted him. i just found out today too. He's a boy from China. 14 years old and sounds really nice and promising (at least he appears so in his letters.) he seems like such a nice boy i just wanna give him such a nice big bear hug. give him some LOOOOVVVEEEE. i have his picture. he's not anything near cute. but he still gives me the feeling of a nice boy =)))) he even invited us to his house to celebrate smth..i dunno. some festival. i wanna give him a ball for his birthday (18th May)!!! YAY!!

GREAT. my mum just informed me she also adopted a girl. so that makes another sister, she's just a baby though.

COOL. i have a big family. and my mum's DREAM: TO ADOPT A CHILD FROM EVERY COUNTRY AVAILABLE. WHOA. there goes my inheritance. kidding. that means that at every country i go to, i have family. har har har.

i'm intending to continue my mum's stuffies. i never knew she was all that charitable and stuff, until i attended famine camp and told her i wanted to sponsor some kid or adopt them or smth. so apart from those 2 kids, she has many other sponsored kids that i do hear randomly from. like letters and hand made gifts =)

if i fail in all my studies, i shall just be some volunteer overseas and maybe be famous through that. haha. works for me =D

anyway, we celebrated shirley's birthday today =) just 8 of us came, but it was still fun, all that FOOD. YUMM...gluttons bay: oyster omelette, satay, chicken wings, stingray, hokkien mee, lime juice. it's not much, but it was reallllllyyy GOOD STUFF. man. i'm going to go there more often. esp when i go to esplanade library to study. =D

we then headed down to the esplanade to relax. we sat there, enjoying the breezeeee, the jokes, chit chatted and all. one word. AWESOME =)

i'm so gonna dream of GOOD FOOD TONIGHT =) laadeeddaaa

my new zealand trip is cancelled, because they told us there isn;t air tickets. like wth. first they told us have..now they say no. annoyance. and my entire family is annoyed because our schedule sucks and it's so difficult to plan another holiday because of our free dates, our interests etc. sigh...i hate this.

journalling is good

journalling is good. i was doing qt today when i felt really annoyed at myself because i simply could not wait for God. URGHz. yea. i know. i was really frustrated, knowing that this impatience just showed that God wasn't the God our my life, nor was He my everything.

i tried praying and all, but everything felt so fake, so hypocritical. figured i just needed to organise my thoughts and write down my struggle to see what happens. it was really good. as i wrote, my thoughts became organised, and i started flipping backwards and i saw how i grew spiritually during this year, how God was in my life, the things He did, my struggles and how He brought me out. bit by bit, things became clear. and for the first time this 2 months, i felt i was back on track again. =)

ok. i need to study. i need to start preparing for As.


NOW would my neighbour STOP playing the "i not stupid" theme song on the piano? i've been listening to him/her play for a few hours today consecutively non stop. URGHZ.

birthday girl charlene

blogger would not allow me to post up a print screen of my email account. DANG.

i'm telling u. the only thing that is making me stressed about PW is the teacher. She has sent me almost 30 emails (or even more) regarding PW. URGHZ. not to mention the numerous SMSes as well. i honestly believe she has connections with the communication hub or smth. URGHz.

anyway. we held a surprise birthday party for Charlene. went to Rach's church to decorate the place with balloons and guess what?!?!? today, i found out that i can actually successfully blow balloons. =D i'm so happy. i was NEVER EVER able to do so ok. so imagine the surprise i had when i found i could blow not 1,2,3,4 but 5 BALLOONS =) boy am i proud of myself.

once we were done decorating the place, we were just fooling around, me pretending to be a DJ/ emcee. haha. so fun =) and i learnt abit of drums from esther =)

apart from photoshop, this was the only thing that i've learnt fast. hahahaha. i never felt so good about myself in such a long time. to know i'm good at something. i have FINALLY started learning the drums. always wanted to do that for the longest time ever.

we fooled around in the room with the mike though, with me entertaining them. hahaha. charlene brings out the insane animal in me i'm telling u. i'm usually nice and quiet and sane. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. yar right..i don't even believe myself. i'm so catching on their egoistic disease fast. laaaaaaaaddddddddeeeeeeeeeeeeeedddddddddaaaaaaaaa

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHARLENE!!!!
hope u enjoyed what we did :)

donut

life without Jesus
is like a donut
like a donut
like a donut

life without Jesus
is like a donut.
cos there's a hole in the middle of your heart.

_____________________________________

i feel lke an absolute donut with a HUGE GIANTIC HOLE i'm practically more like an onion ring then a donut.

i've lost my momentum in this relationship i share with God and now i;m back to square one again. why? simply because i neglected God because i was busy with my work, PW, exams etc etc. i feel bad. especially when He keeps blessing me when i don't deserve it.

it;s not as if i feel that God isn't by my side because i'm stuck in this dried-up pile of shit slopped on with peanut butter for extra stickyness because i;m in some mid/quarter life crisis. rather, things are going pretty well for me. but...somehow, there's THIS HUGE VACANT HOLE WITHIN ME AND NOTHING EXCEPT GOD CAN FILL IT. it's annoying. cos i somehow can't connect with God anymore and i leave my quiet times as empty as ever.

i don't ever remember feeling so empty before though. perhaps this was really what those non-christians mean by saying they needed to fill that emptiness within them. perhaps it's meant for me to go through this stage, to understand what they mean.

i need to sit down...and WAIT for God.

God. grant me the patience to wait for u until something happens

Father...don't leave me as a donut. make me a pau. filled with nice gooey YAM =)

testimony to God's grace

long overdue post:

i made it through promos....and NOW. i have another testimony to share.

it was really by God's grace that i actually managed to escape having to have a cup of tea/kopi/milo with the principal. nor do i have to worry about conditional promotion. and guess what?? i managed to scrape through promos with 36 rank points. which is just 1 mark above the promo grade. is that cool or what????

it's obviously not fantastic results, as anyone can guess, but i'm thankful nonetheless. simply because i knew with the amount of what i have prepared, i seriously deserve to be retained. somehow, this is another one of God's ways to show me that He has plans for me in SA. all these while, doubting and wondering if everything was just my imagination....now i know...it isn't.

here's my love message to people who have supported me all along this treacherous journey

1. Prissy (SFC)
Thanks for all the encouragements and advice that you gave to me that night over msn. As i sat behind my screen crying, you were there for me, giving me hope. yes. once again, God has used u to bring me through this tough time, to let me know that this is where He wants me to be, that He is faithful no matter how difficult and dire our circumstances are. Thank you. For all that you've given me, now i have the strength to do likewise to others. All the best for your As, and continue to spread this love and hope that God has given to you to others. =)

2. Yvonne Tan (IJTP)
HEY YVONNE! you're so far away from me, yet so near at the same time. Thanks for your smses during this period of exams, often giving me hope from God through your words. Even though we're hardly keeping in touch, i thank God for giving me you. You're really a very good friend who takes initiative to contact others, to encourage others and all. Thank you yvonne. =)

3. Yvonne Eng (SFC)
VONN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for being such a great senior to me. I really thank God for letting me know you. it seems that God has placed you in SA to keep me going in SA and stop me from transferring to poly at the end of J1. God has shown me that just as how He has brought u through JC life, likewise, He will bring me through it. Thanks for constantly being a reminder of the faithfulness of God. i really miss u loads. **sniff** Continue spreading God's joy whereever u go =)

4. SFC, Esther, Deborah, Kee Wei, Lynette, Rachel, Yinxi & the rest of the class
Thanks for your encouragements, help in studies, pushing me on to not give up. i've never felt such a strong support before. and i really really treasure this class. pity it's only a sad short 2 years.

5. Teachers
Thanks for sacrificing all that time for consultations, counselling, study advice etc etc. thanks for being such dedicated teachers even though my results didn't pay off. Thanks for always believing in me, encouraging and keeping a look out for me all the time. thanks =)

----------------------------------------------------------------------
I HATE PW. urghz. i can't wait for it all to be overrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. -__-

sniff

time flies.

i'm going to miss the seniors :'(

God, please help me cut my 7000++ almost 8000 WR to 3000. sigh.....

art is cool =)

went for the Singapore Biennale today. haha. i basically crashed with the h2 lit, KI and art students. hahahaha. was the only h1 lit student there. i supposed after all that years of AEP i did miss the good old times of admiring art works. back in those days, i never appreciated it. in fact, i hated going for such exhibitions, seeing it more of a waste of time than anything els in the world. so i grabbed this opportunity to tag along with the school to see works of art =) boy..it was enjoyable.

i'm sure wilkie tan will be proud of me. i never really looked at art so intensely, analysing it, giving it my views, trying to understand what it was all about, what the artist wanted to achieve..yada yada. i supposed me not taking art now is a blessing in disguise, for i've finally learnt to appreciate art once again =) more so, at a deeper level.

anyway, some works of art were really interesting, while some were down right scary and freaky, while some...we just did not understand at all. and yea. there were some that we didn't understand, but liked nonetheless.

hence, su hui and i have decided that together with the other brudders, we will go and appreciate art. this time, it won't be stressful because i won't have mr casey leong, ms k, ms chua near me =) but then again, ms k was really nice to me. haha. but i still need to do the H2 lit homework for this excursion nonetheless. but it's ok. i had a fun time. though energy sapping and tiring.

art is cool =)

God's mercy

i've always loved it when the exams are over.

ok. so i'm definitely not going to pass all my papers, but i still want to thank God for giving me undeserved mercy. especially for my bio, in which i knew if i did badly again i might just get killed by ms de silva. she's just...SCARY.

anyway, the bio paper went smoothly, even if i didn't manage to finish the paper. at least this time i feel at peace with what i've done. or rather. what God has done. i never felt so grateful, and i've finally felt it with my heart, His mercy and grace.

no doubt His death of the cross is the greatest amount of mercy and grace given to all of us, but being born and bred in a christian famiy, i soon grew numb to this, accepting this only as a fact, never understanding it. but if such a small thing such as help in the exams when i least deserved it seemed so great. imagine how much greater it is when i finally understand this mercy that was shed on the cross.

Thank you God.

anyway, the haze is bad. i feel like i'm acting in some spooky ghost show everytime i walk down the street when the sun has set. everything is so smoky. just like how there's always mist everywhere when a ghost is about to appear. hahaha. whatever. the smoke is annoying. and it's not helping that annoying little kids are still playing with sparklers and all adding to the bad enough polluted air that we breathe.

"this **hack** is the **COUGH COUGH** air **WHEEZE** i **GASP** breathe...."

why SA??

"thousand times i've failed. still ur mercy remains..."

why???

i'm still asking why God wanted me to come to SA. to go to a JC instead of a poly.

SA has given me alot of things. great friends for one, spiritual growth, encouragements. my love language. prissy, vonn, rachel, lynette, kee wei, yinxi, eunice, esther, charlene, swati, deborah...the list goes on and on. even for teachers. i've never felt so looked out for. so believed in. ms de silva, mr randy, mr koo, ms sin, ms chua, mdm lee, mr lim. thank you all.

even if i dun get through this promo. it's not your fault. and it's definitely not my PW grp ms de silva. cos my PW grp did a great job. and i've never felt so proud of them in my entire time working with them. put the blame all on me. you guys did all u could for me. all the encouragements, patience in teaching this slow learner, never failing to believe in me, encouraging me. thank you.

friends, teachers, u guys are the best teachers and classmates and school mates i've ever had. (besides my brudders.) and i know that all these words alone cannot express my deep felt thanks to u guys.

somehow i know i won't get through this time. seeing how little i have in my hands, my brains. it'll take a miracle for me to get through promos.

i often questio God if SAJC was the right place for me. regardless of how unsuitable the entire system was for me. yet, at the same time i know that everything that God has given me in this school was placed here to help me carry on. simply because God knows me so well, He knows what i need. what pushes me onwards and what gives me strength. He know what will prevent me from turning back, and He places all that in place. to move forward.

to think here in SFC, i'll have seniors who went through the same thing. who can share with me the wonders that God did in their life. how like them, God will pull me through this round, no matter how impossible it seems.

God, placing me in SFC, in the exco. was all for a reason. and it's giving me a reason to stay on too. without SFC, staying on the SA is meaningless.

and once again, God told me to persevere. He told me that trials come. but persevere on and see. See what comes out of it in the end. yet, time and time again, it sounds so cliche, so impossible. but i can't help but fall flat on my face, crying "GET ME OUT OF THIS SITUATION" "LET ME GO". i remember once when i felt so miserable i wanted to break down right in the middle of the road. and then i felt God asking me if i really wanted to get out. He told me He was willing to let me go. simply because it pained Him to see me feel so hurt and hopeless, so down and out. and because of that, i wanted to stay. i owe Him too much. and because of that love. i wanted to stay and give what i could give.

often than not, they last for only a short while. and then they die off. and i get down again.

as i sat in the library studying organic chem for the gazillionth time and i thought i finally mastered it. i took out my TYS and tried to do the very first MCQ question. and i realised i couldn't. i tried the second and i couldn't. i felt so down, so demoralised. and then i heard in a gentle voice. so loving, so supportive. and it said "don't give up gloria. don't give up. i'm here with u. let's go through this together." it didn't come once. or twice. because everytime i wanted to give up again. it said "i'm here with u. i'm doing it with u. u can do it." it gave me a strange sort of strength to carry on. hope when all seemed hopeless.

that very same day, even though i've been so far away from Him. He called me back. and He brought out this oh so familiar story, on the shepherd and the lost sheep. my qt wasn't meant to be on that section, but because i misread the list of verses, i ended up there. reading what God wanted to say to me. "He sought me. when i was so unworthy...." and i finally understood that song, felt that song. "i love u gloria. regardless of what u cannot do." and i remembered once again, the words He said through a pastor's mouth. He said "Gloria, you're special to me. I see how you love me and want to serve me. but u're special. i don't need u to serve me, because u're special to me" that was what He told me in the beginning of the year. when i felt so strongly about what God wanted to do in SA through me. but it all died down..it all died down...and i let Him down once again, but still...He loves me all the same.

here i state, with as little as i have in my hands, my "not-even-5-loaves-and-2-fishes" but rather, just breadcrumbs. i give it to Him and say. Do a miracle today. u decide my future.

people. if i get through my promos. it's not me. it's God. regardless of whether or not i just scrap tru. cos i know, with what i have...it's even below getting UUUUUUUUUUUUUU for all my subjects.

caught FORBIDDEN CITY and Flu buggie.

there are 2 things that i just caught

1. the forbidden city
YEPS. I CAUGHT THE FORBIDDEN CITY!!!! COOL RIGHT??
all thanks to joel nah who is part of the production crew, we got GREAT seats at a DISCOUNTED PRICE =) and there we were, my brother, his friend and myself, sitting on the first floor in this COOL PRIVATE BOX. just the 3 of us. and this...errr..sad lonely guy who had an accent. hahaha. man. that was the best thing. with no head blocking me, i had complete full view.

i LOOOOVVVVVVEEEE musicals. must find a boyfriend who likes such stuff too so we can go watch these shows together =D i never watched something so comfortable in my entire life. anyway, the show was great. i feel so inspired to go join the crew and perform in such stuff. it looks oh so fun and stuff =D AWESOME man i tell u.

there's this weird sense of pride in me for them. it must be so much fun during rehearsals, though tough and all, but still fun. perhaps i'll go into such stuff...haha.. one problem. i can't sing or dance. an i have problems memorising things. so perhaps my dreams and ----- (dashed) =(

anyway... the second thing i caught is...the flu bug.
yeah. something i dun wanna catch, but i do like the sexy voice it brings. hahahahaha. nice nasal low voice...ooooo =)







back to bio. mitosis and meiosis.
just as how they split the cells, it's splitting my brain cells into half...WHOOO more brain cells...not =)





anyway. here;s something i got from the bio moodle...

screwed up life

it sucks when u have studied and yet within a short span of a few days. or even a few hours, and u can barely remember what u studied. u understand how things work, the processes and all. yet. when it comes down to doing the questions in the TYS. all of a sudden all the options in the MCQ looks foreign and the question seems to be speaking in a totally different language all of a sudden.

i wonder if it's because i'm just too lazy to use my brain or isit really because my brain, like my height, is pretty much lower than others. hmm...

was on my way to school for consultation when i met the 2 students from poly. caught a glimpse of their ez-link card - lo and behold. nanyang poly. sigh.

i like the fact that poly starts later than JC. i like the way things work there. i'd rather work late into the night doing projects. the way i used to in secondary school for ARC. than sit down and study and feel so discouraged i start to wonder what the true meaning to my life is.

why do we have to run after academic achievements??? why can't we sit back and just enjoy what we have?

perhaps we're so miserable because our eyes only focus on our problems.

i'm screwing up my life. someone pls take away that stupid screwdriver so i can't screw up further. =(

Gloverbs 27:9

backache, headache...ouch...i always knew studying was bad for health.

at this rate, i'm gonna be so hunched by the time i'm 9786 years old (like i ever will live up till then), i'll be so hunched, my chin will by touching my knees when i walk. (if i can even walk at that age). and then...i'll just grow shorter and shorter.

"blessed are the descendants of gloria
for cheap is her coffin
which is the size of her cupboard drawer."
Gloverbs 27:9

my words of wisdom. HARHAR. like i have any...HOHO.

stress is bad.

slacker

i can't wait for the promos to end...RAGHZZ........this exam thingy is killing me. stifling my growth...no wonder i'm short!!!!!!!!

i can't wait to kill my brains with youtube videos, go out cycling, whatever....

and the irony is i wish the exams wouldn't come so soon cos i need to study. yet.. wish it would be overrrrrrrrrrr........

yes...i shall start planning for my retirement.

man. i'm such a slacker. =)

OH YA BRUDDERS!!!!!!!!!

when are ur exams over??? WANNA CATCH UP?? stuff ourselves silly and slack at novita's hse with hippo and go high with our lameness that we all miss terribly????????????? HOW'S THAT?!?!?!?!??!

curiosity kills the cat

it's all human's fault that we have to study so much.

when God created the Earth, everything was simple. it's only because of us humans that make everything complicated. from molecules to atoms, right down to the electrons and protons. we even make what was right and wrong so complicated that now the moral values of this world is so mixed up, making it harder for us to live our lives.

i must confess i'm one of those people. i'm one of those people who can't remember anything unless i completely understand it. as we all know, our current syllabus is alot to study. yet, it doesn't fully cover all that we need to know. everything is so general, that u just have to accept it as it is and simply memorise it. i can't do that. i need to ask and know and find out how it works so i can remember.

i'm the type of student that teachers hate. as much as i'm encouraged to ask questions, i often end up stumping the teachers with my questions because they themselves have never thought of it before. in the end, they just tell me to accept it as it is and just...MUG. ah wellz. i make life difficult. as the saying goes, curiosity kills the cat...and i add, "and the students, and the teachers, and the scientists etc etc etc. most importantly, the brain." Gloria's words of stupidity =)

sigh....i always knew the education system was flawed. HAHAHAHAHAHA. =)

back to my new international friends from BIO LAND =). introducing my new jap friend - mr OKAZAKI =) as well as HELICASE my hebrew friend and POLYMERASE my...errr..poly friend? hahaha.

amazing God

the previous week passed so quickly. too quickly in fact. if it wasn't so close to the exam period, i would have been celebrating. but now, now that the promos are inching or rather..kilometering towards me, it's really scary how time passes so quickly and u'll wish it'll just stop and let u study until u are confident that you'll ace your exams. it's been a tiring week as well, homework, extra classes, tests, re-tests, consultation, PW etc etc. with an average of 4-5 hours of sleep, sometimes 2 hrs, sometimes just 1 hr. amazingly, God sustained me, kept me going, and i thank Him for morning worship, where i get my strength from Him. =)

God works in His wonderful ways. Ways we do not understand, simply because the world's ways are against His.

On monday, 11 sept, ominous as the date was already, we had a drama going on within my class. dave suffered from a fit halfway through mondays lecture. i got the shock of my life, sitting next to him when of a sudden he started gagging, falling over his chair, and shaking all over, teeth biting the lecture chair till he bled, making weird growling snarling noises. it traumatised everyone, yet in a "you-can-call-me-sadistic" sense, it was all for the good.

During that period of fear, we saw another side to ms de silva, my monster fishball eyed teacher. her usual sarcastic, scary monster side of her disappeared, and out appeared a totally different side of her - motherly, gently, loving. we never saw that side of her before, and it made us realise that she really wasn't that bad.

We saw how different guys in our class, as annoying as some can get, how quiet they are till they somehow always blend into the background of passing faces, rose out of the occasion, being calm in the midst of chaos, doing everything they should - calling teachers, calling ambulance, some even holding on to dave to prevent him from hurting himself etc. Heroes of the day.

I saw how the christians in our class united, praying in faith to God to help Dave. and in a way, it has encouraged me to be more open about my faith in God, to be bold and talk about Him. Saw the potential of bringing the christians closer to God through encouragements, perhaps even, a class cell....

the incident made the class more united. made us realise that we do care for one another, even though we often made fun of each other, get annoyed etc. Seeing how we kept checking with one another to see if we were ok, how some of the girls huddled together crying, how we comforted one another through hugs, words, prayer, smses etc.

perhaps God showed Dave that as much as he felt no one cared, people did. the class did, SFC did, so does the teachers, principal etc. one thing has changed - our attitude towards dave. perhaps we are afraid of the incident repeating, though i highly doubt so. still, we are now more tolerant, more accepting towards him, and that is good. =)

best of all, what happened to Dave open opportunities to talk about God, to bring not just non-believers to know Him, but also to bring believers closer to Him. Because Dave was a christian, some of the unbelievers in class thought it was a spiritual attack. questions regarding spirital attack were asked, explanations were made, more questions, more explanations. one thing led to the other, and in a span of a few days, i had many opportunities to talk to my classmates about God, even though i wasn't close to. they simply came up to me and asked me about it. I was really encouraged by all that is happening, glad to know that my friends will get to know Him and one day, enter this family of mine as well.

Thank You God =)

One question that KeeWei asked made me think : "why do u believe so strongly in God? what convicts u so deeply about His existance??? why do u christians worship your God so passionately??"

I didn't know how to explain, but as i was listening to songs, this song did..and it fits what i wanted to say..

Everything to me by Avalon (we sang this during life concert 2006)

I grew up in sunday school
I memorized the golden rule
And how Jesus came to set the sinner free (sinner free).
I know the story inside out
I can tell you all about
The path that lead him up on Calvary

But ask me why He loves me
And I don't know what to say,
But I'll never be the same because
He changed my life when He became'?

(Chorus)
Everything to me! (everything to me)
He's more than a story (more than a story)
More than words on a page of history.
He's the air that I breathe, (air that I breathe)
The water I thirst for, (water I thirst for)
And the ground beneath my feet
He's everything, everything to me! (Ahhh, Ooooh, Ahhh, Ooooh)

(Verse 2 - Up one chord)
We're living in uncertain times
And more and more I find that I'm
Aware of just how fragile life can be.
I want to tell the world I found
The love that turned my life around
They need to know that they can taste and see.
Now everyday I'm praying
Just to give my heart away (to give away my life)
I want to live for Jesus
So that someone else might see that He is'?

(Chorus)
Everything, everything (ev'rything to me)
He's more than a story (to me)
More than words on a page of history
(The air that I breathe) He's the air that I breathe (air that I breathe)
The water I thirst for (water I thirst for)
And the ground beneath my feet
Oh, He's everything! (Oh , He's everything!)

And looking back over my life at the end
(I'm going to be) I'll go to meet you saying you've been

(Refrain)
You're everything to me (ohhhh)
More than a story (ohhh)
(More than) More than words on a page of history (history) (history)

(Chorus - Up one chord)
You're everything to me! (everything to me)
You're more than a story (more than a story)
More than words on a page of history.
You're the air that I breathe (the air that I breathe)
The water I thirst for (thirst for)
And the ground beneath my feet
You're (everything) everything! Lord, You're everything to me!
(Everything to me) (The Water I thirst for)
You're everything to me, Jesus! Ohhhh!
(Everything to me) (Water I thirst for)
The Air I breathe, the Sun I see Ohhhh!
(Everything to me) Everything to me!
You're my Life, my Love, Everything.

pasar malams

my younger brother and his friends are just weird...

you know you're living in a highly digital age when....

you hear your younger brother arranging to meet up with his friend in some town in the pokemon game :S


no kidding. and oddly, he's speaking in IM language. smth that has never happened in my family before =S

anyway, i love PASAR MALAMS. at least, not when they are super crowded with lots of people short people like me have no Oxygen to feed our cells. i like how there's so many food stalls in one entire row with so much cheap food calling out to u. the best thing is. once u satisfy your cravings...you stop eating. i dunno why. pasar malam food makes u feel sick after u eat it. which is really good. cos it makes sure i dun overeat HAHAHAHAHAHA. i'm really wonderin what will happen if i ever go on a Fast. yea. it'll FAST be over too. haha

anyway, i feel accomplished today. i've felt so focused on my work in the midst of so much distractio and noise. honestly, the worship and prayer worked wonders. i realised i work best when my spirit is calm and quiet and still. only then can i be focused. YEAPS =))) Thank God for His help =)

cool test

the Romantic
Thanks for taking the test !

you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR.

"I am unique"

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

• Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
  
• Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
  
• Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
  
• Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
  
• Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a Four

• my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
  
• my ability to establish warm connections with people
  
• admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
  
• my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
  
• being unique and being seen as unique by others
  
• having aesthetic sensibilities
  
• being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a Four

• experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
  
• feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
  
• feeling guilty when I disappoint people
  
• feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
  
• expecting too much from myself and life
  
• fearing being abandoned
  
• obsessing over resentments
  
• longing for what I don't have

Fours as Children Often

• have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original game s
  
• are very sensitive
  
• feel that they don't fit in
  
• believe they are missing something that other people have
  
• attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
  
• become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
  
• feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Fours as Parents

• help their children become who they really are
  
• support their children's creativity and originality
  
• are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
  
• are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
  
• are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

man. that was REALLY accurate. i knew i was uniquely romantic...even if i've been romantic before becos there's no one to be romantic to. haha.

the school holidays ain't holiday. considering that i have to return to school 4 out of 5 days. and clock in 25 hrs of studying. which is HIGHLY impossible. i sincerely believe that i am the most unproductive person in the entire room. out of 2 days, i only studied introduction to organic chem, alkanes, alkene, isomerism and arenes, and i can barely remember anything. GREAT.

i feel GREATLY encouraged by my studying. and on top of that, i still have to crash in studying for tmr's bio mock SPA, DNA and Genomics, Eukaryotic Genome tutorial, understand what on earth Maclaurin's (stupid) series is all about (haha. invented by Gland) and PW. bah bah bah. my academics is beyond hope.

if God can save the queen. God pls save me too.

PROness of exams

time flies. it's SO fast. before i know it, next year i'll be cramming my brain with stuff for my As =( then again, i can't wait for it all to be over.

teacher's day celebration was fun. i missed meeting up with my brudders from IJ. we FINALLY had a complete gathering with every single person there. it so happened that they all came dressed in their IJ pinafores, except me and clarissa. apparently novita thought i was too busy to wear it =S ah wellz. it's ok. seeng them in the oh-so-familiar IJ uniform really brought back LOADS of GOOD memories. sigh.....yes. i really do miss the times we spent together.

the mass messenging met wishing him happy teachers day in the exact same format etc was really hilarious, with us lying to met that we weren't together. haha. and in the end we sent him an MMS of the group of us in MOS burger holding a sign saying "GOTCHA" and smiling at him. then there's the being totally deprived children at kiddy palace making a fool of ourselves, googoo-ing and gaga-ing at the beautiful and cool toys that kids nowadays get to enjoy. yes. we were being kids again. haha =)

when su hui sends me the photos, i'll put them up =) YEAPS.

as for now, my focus turns to preparation for the PROmos so that i can get PROmoted. However, i am currently facing PROblems getting PROmoted. thus, i need to study and PROceed with my studying so that there is some PROgress in my work. and despite all the many years of exams, people may think they are already so PRO at it. if i dun get through this, i'll be PROnounced dead. yes.

sadly, despite all that PRO ness, i still feel pretty ANTI exams. hmm...

.

:(
















it says it all doesn't it?

why????????????????? get me outta here

i feel like a student of confucious - i have learnt the art of confusion. ARGHZ.

i haven't blogged in a million years, and despite the busyness and the "i-know-i-should-be-studying-instead-of-blogging" mentality, i really need to get stuff off my chest.

after the parent's teachers meeting. the very little of what's left energy in my body was just sucked off by my monsterous CT. it doesn't help when you are so shy and asking u to see a teacher for consultation is already a killer and now your MONSTEROUS teacher who is say 3-4 times your size with BIG humongomous fishball eyes is demanding that you consult teachers.

i'm annoyed at how every single one thinks we have a million hours per day and keeps giving us extra lessons and all and still expect us to have consultations, finish up our tutorials, study for tests, revise what you went through the day and still study and SLEEP EARLY. not to mention we still have EEKY YUCKY PW that ms de silva says my group is not even a ME. ARGHZ. not to mention that it seems practically impossible for me to catch up with my work and yet understand the current work and do PW well and see teachers and juggle my tutorials, studying for test etc etc etc.

you say i am not putting up a fight to study and all. the thing is...i have no energy left to do so. i feel bad that i come before God with NOTHING of myself left to offer. i want to break down, fall flat and cry. everything just seems hopeless. and i seriously dun think i can get by promos. even if i do, i won't get by JC2.

even after God telling me a million of times and reassuring me that being in SA was right for me, i often question whether it truly is. how come i ended up hating school so much i wish i could just drop dead, run away, kill myself or go into total rebellion. the only thing stopping me is the knowledge that i have to glorify God. so much so that it has become such a burden for me that i feel like giving up on that too. ARGHZ ARGHZ. looking at the poly courses, i ask myself if it's really what i want and i realised that i myself am not too clear. there seems to be nothing that i'm good at. i don't know anything at all. and i dun like anything much either. what on earth am i doing here?????????????????????????????????

what oh what oh what???????????? !@#$% and i'm not scolding any vulgarities. it's just that i can't find anything to express my frustration, fear, hopelessness, fatigue etc etc. whatever...u get my point.

i REALLY REALLY want to give up and escape to a poly where things are more technical, more practical, less brain wrenching. still...perhaps the reason why i'm placed here in SA is to go tru all these shit, endure it and learn to pick myself up even during the hardest times. what mr lim said that day was right. we christians need to learn how to be tough, simply because following God isn't easy, and we're bound to be persecuted. ARGHZ. all these is killing me, taking the joy out of me. i don't know how to joke, how to laugh, how to smile, how to think positive, how to have hope etc etc....

and in all of these....the only things keeping me in SA is the people, SFC, my responsibilities. ARGHz. WHY?!?!?!?!??!!??!!??

new layout - the road less travelled

The Road Less Travelled...

is my new layout =)

haha. i think this was the longest amount of time i've taken to finish one layout. i think it's cos i had completely no idea how it was supposed to look like. haha. actually the original idea came to me as "you can't follow the yellow brick road to find Jesus" but then today i was reminded of this QT which i had quite some time ago, and thus the verse from Matthew 7:13-14. if you can't read it, it says: "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

i hope this layout will be a constant reminder to me that all my trials and hardships are just a confirmation that i'm on the right track.

don't mind the roughly same pattern of my layouts. i'm too lazy to re-write the codes. so i usually just copy and paste and change some stuff here and there. heh heh =) it's pretty dull...so i'll prob end up getting sick of it pretty soon, perhaps after all my rubbish i'll do a new layout....so what comes first la.... =D

FOP

thank God i didn't go through all that boot camp for nothing. yep. i'm in for Thailand trip for OCIP =) it may not be a mission trip, but i can still go there with the correct heart and attitude and i can still gain from it =) i'm still sad though, that i can't go for the MOB trip. it's annoying how things are - when u can go, you don't want to go, and when u can't go, you want to go. ARGHZ. got a family holiday then and my mum thinks i'm jumping into too many things at one go she's afraid i'm gonna drown in all that work. just because i'm short i can't handle so many things. which is true. hahaha. i tend to allow such things to sweep me and drown me. to be honest, i'm quite scared that i won't be able to be promoted. esp with my current results. YIKES.

i'm really thankful for SFC. my QT hasn't been really fruitful and i don't know, at first i thought that it was all ok and normal cos we do have our highs and lows. but it turned out that it was really my fault and i just felt that God was throwing me questions to reflect on. even as Shirley and Mark spoke during SFC min time on friday, question after question kept coming to me. in a way it brought me to a self realisation, and it brought me to reflect, gave me a passion to seek God, it's amazing and i;m really thankful to God for always being the one who seeks me first =)

i sold my rapture tickets to go for FOP. i wasn't really sure that i wanted to really sell them, but i wanted to put God first and see what happens. so i did. and when i was there, i knew without a doubt, that i did the right thing. i did not regret my decision at all. it's been a really long time since i've really been able to lose myself in worship. i really tried hard for the past few months, yet, there are always restrictions.

it really felt good to be able to express my joy and freedom. i finally see the importance of lifting your hands to God. Don Moen was really good. i love how God has blesses him with this gift of worship and his songs really helped to quieten myself, to really connect with God, to meditate on the words and mean it from the bottom of my heart when i sang it.

i'm still amazed at how God managed to capture me and win me over. sorry to those who intend to buy me, because i'm sold out. (then again, i'm priceless =) )

Sold to Jesus =)

OCIP CAMP

oh man. i just realised that i haven't bloged in one week!!!

i can't believe it. that is superbly abnormal for me. then again, the past week has been a mad week and i'm super tired, drained and all. Still, God has been good and in the midst of all that almost giving up JC to poly at the end of this year feelings were all removed because of what God told me during the week.

i was really irritated at school and i honestly have never detested school so much in my entire life. the only thing that i couldn't bear to leave was the strong christian atmosphere in school, the morning worship and all that fellowship and love that i experienced in SFC. i really felt like crap and there was one day in the entire week that i kept crying out to God to get me out of it. i kept asking Him if it were real that His plans were really for me to be in SA. and guess what i felt the Holy Spirit saying to me??

it might be my imagination or smth, but at that point of time, as i crossed the road, i felt God telling me that being in SA was truly part of His plan. BUT, he doesn't want me to be so unhappy where i am, and He was willing to let me go to poly where i think i may be happier. i was so touched by that. at that point of time i finally managed to feel God's love. His great love for me such that He was willing to let me go the way i want. i was really thankful to God for showing me His love, yet at the same time, i knew God's plans for me are always the best for me, and i decided to hang in there because i know, He has something in stored for me. though i was more or less no longer falling off that edge of the cliff, i still wasn't very firm. the next day during my QT, God spoke again, and this time, He told me not to give up. to press on. and the one thing that hit me was this sentence: "Don't give up, because God never gave up on you." isn't that amazing? all the things i've done in my entire life is enough to make anyone hate me, especially if i unleash al my anger and hatred and rebellion all at one go (which i haven;t done). yet, no matter what i've done in my life, God never gave up on me, and He continued to seek me and stay by my side. you know...there's this song that has this part: "nothing you can do, could make Him love you more, and nothing that you've done, could make Him close the door..." i never really understood what that meant until that day. the reason why there's nothing that could make God love us more is because He has ALREADY loved us so much, that there's nothing left to make it more. to summarise, the amount of love has already reached the maximum limit. =)
_______________________

stepping down ceremony took place today. i'm really sad to see the J2s leave. SFC will be so much quieter withot them. no more fellow shortie vonn, no more funny and handsome caleb and chaos, no more caring and loving prissy, no more teddy bear owner huiru, no more nicola as cell grp leader, and so many many many more............................boooo.....

i'm so sad that i couldn;t stay behind to take photos with the seniors because i had to rush off for OCIP camp. =((((((

OCIP camp was a boot camp. i never felt so tortured both physically and mentally before.

i knew i should have followed that gut feeling of mine (may be from God, not sure) and not submit the OCIP registration form. URGHZ. i paid for it now by going for the stupid boot camp.

we got scolding for almost every single thing we did. right from the beginning of the camp. while waiting for the organisers of the camp to start, naturally us campers would be talking to one another to know our group members better and all. but we got scolded for that. i mean, it's not as though we were talking while u were talking, nor were u waiting for us because u guys were doing your own things!!! oh man.

basically, we got scolded for alot of things. even things that were so ridiculous both su hui and i really wanted to leave the camp. i didn't see a point in staying for the camp or even going for the OCIP trip if all the seniors themselves showed no love/compassion or whatever human feelings.

we had to pick beans once again, just that we were given a selected amount of different types of beans to pick from the grass patch with only 2 miserable torch lights for oe group of 13 people. they scolded us for being inefficient and not being together as a group. my group was given 50 barley seeds and 100 red beans, which were then doubled because of our incompetency and inefficiency and lack of urgency. -___- they kept scolding us and scolding us. i never felt so put down in my entire life. i don't know, but how else can you increase your efficiency when all u have us just 2 torches, cannot spit up and not allowed to trade/exchange with one another's groups (other groups had to find other beans)? my group managed to gather 100 barley seeds, and 107 red beans. 93 red beans away. they said it was better than the rest, but could be done even better. URGHZ. and we were punished with more pumping.

at the end of the day, my arms were like jello, considering how i had to do 75 push-ups and one shot followed by more pumping which added up to more than 100 over push-ups all in less than half a day =(

i was actually surprised that they allowed us to sleep. su hui and i are really close man. we even woke up at the same time because we needed to pee and we nearly got a scolding from the seniors for not sleeping. thank goodness we managed to explain to them because they were already on the verge on not giving us a chance to explain ourselves. i wasn't really able to sleep, as i laid there on the floor thinking about what i've been through for the day and i really missed SFC. there was just such a great difference in the way God's family worked and how the world worked. in SFC, they cared about us and made sure we were ok, but in the OCIP camp all they cared about was getting the task done. =( i really wanted to cry thinking about SFC.

anyway, i was totally wrong about the being able to sleep because they woke us up at 2 am banging on the doors like mad people and screaming fire drill. they pumped us even more because some of us forgot to bring down our 1.5 litres bottle and our egg (we were given an egg to take care of -___-) and our identities. who will remember to take all these when there's really a fire???? in nursery and primary school, we were taught to just run for your life and not care about your belongings when there's a fire!!! anyway, we got sent back to our rooms to sleep -___- you might as well keep us awake. anyway, we were awoken again to the same fire drill at about 4 am i think. and this time they sent us back to the room to pack our bags and all for a night trek. we walked from potong pasir to bishan park whereby along the way, we had activities to do, such as a crab walk, counting the trees in that area (which amounted to 71), and broken telephone. it was more of a jog rather, simply because the leading had to be such a pain by walking so fast. not to forget we had to protect our eggs -___- we walked till the sun rose at 6/7 plus??? and got to eat breakfast after that.

the station games were finally fun, and our station masters were pretty nice, compared to the core camp comm. of course, the fun was short lived and we had to clean the cafe. they kept shouting at us non-stop, screaming at us to scrub harder until the cafe looked as clean as when we first stepped onto the campus. the screamed at us for not scrubbing the table till it was spotless. we even had to remove black stains which were already in the table and impossible to remove. so long as the table didn't look new, we were screamed at. they screamed at us for not giving a helping hand to those scrubbing the floor when we were given insufficient mops and brushes for the floor. my GL was nice. He told me i was going a good job and if i really couldn;t get the stains off, i could just leave it. i continued scrubbing another table and next thing i know, another j2 screamed at me to get that previous stained scrubbed off. arghz. they just screamed at us for every single reason they could find.

after all that physical work and all of us were so tired, we were made to run an endurance run. AHHHHHHHH. yes. for someone like me who does no physical exercise, has never joined a sports CCA for a reason and tries to keep PE as slack as possible, i seriously knew i wasnt able to make it through. i'm thankful though, for Suhui, my group members, and especially jia hui and rachel for running with me and giving me the strength to carry on. it was because of those 2 that all 3 of us managed to finish the endurance run. many thanks to Eliza as well, for holding on to me as we had to increase our pace to catch up with the group just so we could stop running. without her, i might have just collaspe and died and given up running just at the last lap.

i'm proud to say, that at the end of the camp, my egg didn't break until lunch(we were supposed to cook it), i didn't forget to bring anything, i survived all that pumping, and i completed the endurance run =))))) all glory goes to God, for giving me strength, and the group members and friends that kept me going. =)

and now...i'm aching all over.

j2s appreciation party

j2s had their farewell party yesterday. actually. i wouldn't see it as a farewell simply because i know they'll still be with us whether or not they're still in SAJC. we're all one family yes???

the farewell went really well, all glory goes to God =) to think eunice, rachel and i all had that stinking bad feeling that something would go wrong. haha. the food came on time, we had enough money after all, gifts looked GREAT, worship and feet washing was great, but most importantly, God was there =)

i never had such a memorable farewell before, even though it wasn't for me. all these while, whenever we say farewell party, we think about games to organise and all, but never to make it meaningful and memorable. i was afraid that the seniors would find the farewell boring without games, and i was really quite scared when nic asked if we were playing games. yet, every worry and fear faded away when the feet washing started.

that day, i managed to be in the shoes of both Jesus and Paul - the washer and the washed. it wasn't planned to be like that. it was the J2s special day. we were supposed to wash their feet. yet, things took a special turn. Anna paired up with rachel, and insisted that she washed rachel's feet first. i was so touched by her that i almost cried. the entire scene of every j1 and j2 humbling themselves to wash one another's feet and praying for one another was just amazing. i could feel the love coming out of every single person it was just so overwhelming. the best i ever felt of God's love. when val and soph came up to me and offered to wash my feet, i wanted to cry. i was really really really touched. i could finally understand how Peter felt when he didn't want to allow Jesus to wash his feet. the sight of everyone worshipping God, praying for one another. man. i will never forget that scene. so peaceful, so happy, i could practically see the face of God shining and smiling down on us. i still cannot find a word suitable to describe the entire process.

God's presence was there. and because of His presence, everything was way better than we expected. thank you SFC, for showing me what it truly means to be a family in Christ. what it means to really love one another. i have never been prayed for by so many people. never have i voluntarily pray for others. As i went around praying with others, my prayer changed. i stopped stuttering and i stopped becoming aware of what people were paying attention to me. the words that i spoke were different, and my prayers were strong powerful ones. i'm happy to be prayed for, but even more delighted, to pray with the fellow J1s, especially eunice, where we dedicated things to the Lord and asked Him to bless SFC, SAJC, to lead us and to guide us, whatever it is, we gave to the Lord.

i can really see that the Lord has placed us all into the different positions He wanted us to be in. and i can say, with absolutely no doubt at all, that i am in the right place, at the right time =) with my horrible results, many would say it would be stupid for me to remain in SAJC. that i should stop JC and switch to a poly instead. my parents are supportive of me doing so. in fact, sometimes that encourage me to do so, and whenever i receive the bad results, i start to doubt if God really wanted me in SA. i knew at that point during the farewell, that i was at the right place. God reaffirmed what i felt today during today's sermon.

1 Cor :17 "Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there."

it was actually for missions, but it struck me right there and then, about my being in SAJC. i' m thankful for the bible. for the many promises that God gives to me. if i kept highlighting the important verses in the bible, the entire bible will be highlighted =) i remember how after i finally came back to God in Sec 4 and told Him i wanted to grow but didn;t know how to, He gave me this verse from 1 Cor 3:6 "....but God made it grow." and He kept to His promise. He guided me and laid out the path for me to walk. from my being in CHIJ, to being in ARC, then being in SAJC for the first three months, to being in SAJC now, and SFC too. because of what He has done, His grace and mercies, i have this relationship that i share with Him.

i was doing my QT today, and it was on problems and all. it was an all so familiar thing, about how the people that God has chosen will not be exempted from trials and suffering. but what struck me was about knowing that following God isn't an easy task, one that is full of trials and suffering. and whenever u encounter such trials, treat it as a reminder that shows that u are on the right path =) COOL EH?????

ANYWAY. back to the farewell party. i hope the seniors had a great time, and i hope that the farewell was definitely a memorable one. i'm happy they liked the gifts =) the only thing i'm sad about the farewell is that not everyone was able to attend it =(

I LOVE YOU SENIORS AND FELLOW SFC MEMBERS!!!!!!!!!

tired

arghz. my studies are hopeless. i know nuts about chem and i keep zonking out during lectures. arghz. i'm not designed to study.

in a way, i'm sick of school. i'm so tired of waking up early, trying to understand lectures, struggle through the yucky tutorials. i try to put in my best. the key word is try. and i know i'm not. gee..i'm hopeless.

the ARC blog has finally been updated. man. i dunno, i'm hearing different things from everywhere. some say arc's not in good shape, while others say that the juniors are better than the seniors. which is real good. i reckon i made a really bad pres for ARC. in a way...i could never forgive myself about letting my head get the better of me. i got so scared of stuff that i never confronted it but rather, just ran away.

i suppose it was a big lesson for me to learn about what leadership was all about. my brudders in arc insisted that i was a great leader, but i know myself better. i remember dedicating that position to God, but i started to depend on myself more and more and it all went down from there. arghz. it's all but bad memories, all that leadership. i feel like crap just thinking about it.

i'm really tempted to pon school. but can't. been having SPA and other a level stuffies and meetings. if only i could just go to school for activities. non-examinable stuff that will kill your brain cells.

on a happier tone, i'm getting a step closer to going for OCIP =) now...to get past the selection camp...

constipated

this is how i feel right now. i;m up to the neck..no...buried in things to do. it's not because i'm short so i'm easily buried. i shud seriously stop procrastinating. this is what happens when u dun shit complete what u need to do on time. no amount of laxative can help u =(

life's good when there are friends

hm..God finally answered my prayers and for the first time in quite a long while, i had a fruitful QT. =)))

i realised today that the reason to why i felt my life didn't glorify God was because i don't think before i do anything or say anything. especially when it comes to my tongue. i'm super blunt, and most of the time i don't mean what i say. i usually say hurtful things when i'm playful or when i'm irritated. more often that not, i think only after i speak. of course, it's too late and often i continue on with life with that guilt in me, and i not only make myself unhappy, but i hurt others and God, and i tarnish the reputation of Christians =(

so you see. my horridness of my days and how i behaved made me decide not to blog because i was so ashamed and i didn't want to put up a fake front.

anyway, life's been much better now =)

we finally found out who are the exco members of SFC. it's not confirmed yet, but still. i'm happy. we went out for dinner together. ok. not all of us did, but still, it's a start to great bonds (covalent or ionic. whatever. whichever is stronger. haha. my chem sucks) between all of us and an...i really look forward to this formation of this BIG FAMILY =)))

i'm really humbled to be in the exco. regardless of position, what the seniors told jonathan was right. being chosen is really humbling. meeting canon benson was amazing. i mean, imagine being part of God's plan of a great work in your school???? Exciting and amazing right??? it's totally different from how it was in ARC. seeing how we commit every single thing to God, no matter how big or how small, how we really care for one another like how we prayed for rachel during sc commendation rehearsal. i'm just really thankful to God for showing me what it really means by God's family.

apart from this newfound family of J1s and J2s, i'm thankful to my brudders who has been with me all these while =) it's been a long time since we last got together and we finally had a gathering. ok. not all of us, just 4 out of 7, but better than nothing. it's weird how although su hui and i are in the same sch, we barely see one another. anyway, it was really great just telling one another what's been going on and sharing with one another. i've never laughed so much in a long time. i miss talking and laughing at almost every single thing we say. man. i really miss the lame environment. shared with them about my plans and all, and they offered good advice.

you know, i realised that all my life, i never had a best friend. the only person i could really be open and honest with is God. still, i'm satisfied with the friends that i have =)

there u go caleb =) updated. haha

world cup finals and maths torture

I CAN'T BELIEVE FRANCE LOST THE WORLD CUP!!!

ok. i can. everyone was saying that italy would win anyway. and as i was watching the match with my dad and bro, they too were supporting italy. how come i'm always the only one who supports another team =S i'm such a loner. boo.

zidane disappointed me. i always had this impression that this captain was a super good leader. he always looked calm no matter what the situation, always encouraged his players etc. he was just so nice. and he just had to ruin his image by giving an italy player a headbutt during the extra time. as a result? he got a red card and got sent off. you dodohead!!!!!!!!!! don't u know how much the team needs u for the penalthy shoots?!?!?!?!??!?! if zidane was playing...france could have won. URGHZ. i never felt so disappointed about the loss of a game. i felt like crying. so saddddddddddd....it was the last thing on my mind before i drifted off the dreamland and the first thing i thought of when i awoke from my deep slumber. sad. sad. sad. zidane....u just had to ruin it. WHY?!?!?!? thank goodness i didn;t bet with anyone. ah wellz.

on a happier note, my laptop can FINALLY tag on the flash tagboard again YIPEE which means can change my UGLY tagboard back to the SPIFFILY COOL FLASH TAGBOARD!!!!! WHOOTT!! and.... got an inspiration for a new layout too! butttt...i need time to do it. which obviously now isn't the time to do so. plus, i haven't figured out how it will look like.....hmmmzzzz....yay...i'm gonna start photoshopping soon....

now...only maths left....i hate the stuff we're learning now. everything seems so illogical i can't understand. i dun get their dumb theories...ARGHZ....DIE MATHS DIE!!!!!!!! back to the torture chamber of maths... =(

God has a plan for every single thing that happens

during my QT today, i learnt that trails and tribulations in life are all part of God's plans to mould us into who we are made to be. they aren't accidental, but rather, all designed specifically, right to the very nitty gritty details. to me, i knew that, especially since people often use that reason to encourage one another. it didn't really hit me nor did it really encourage me cos i wasn't or at least, i felt that i wasn't facing any crisis of anything, apart from the fact that it's been very discouraging for me doing my QT and not absorbing anything, yet when u "finish" ur QT session, you feel God asking u to come back, and when u do, nothing happens. i don't know why all that is happening, but somehow, i'm able to fully trust in God, reassured that He is in control of everything. =)

i just turned on the TV and the oprah winfrey show was on. ok. it's weird for a youth to watch that show, but i do like watching it cos it just shows how generous she is. the love that she has for people regardless of who they are, what status whatsoever. and the episode i was watching just now was on how a really tough trial in this woman's life actually spurred alot of people to live on and not give up on life. this woman's ex-husband apparently entered her house while everyone was sleeping, and killed all 4 of her children and then killed himself. it's really sad, especially when she was living to face the pain of losing her loved ones. even more so that her children are all innocent. somehow, she managed to face her pain and made the decision to live her life. she went on the oprah winfrey show and shared her story with viewers. apparently, on that very day, 16 and more people actually planned to end their life on that day, preparing things to leave behind for their loved ones, some even having researched on the best way to die. it's really sad, but guess what?? because of what she went through, she inspired people to continue living their life. 16 people wrote in to the show just to tell the woman how she had in a way, saved their lives and returned them to their families, giving them the strength to continue and all. i'm sure there were more people whose lives were changed because of her.

so you see. God uses our trials in life not just to mould us, but also for us to help others. =) next time when u face difficulties, trials and setbacks, remember what God can do through it =)

anyway, received this email from a friend and thought it was really nice and touching =)

I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree. The last class I had to take was Sociology. The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with. Her last project of the term was called "Smile." The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions. I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway, so, I thought this would be a piece of cake, literally. Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning. It was just our way of sharing special pla ytime with our son. We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did. I did not move an inch... an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved. As I turned around I smelled a horrible "dirty body" smell, and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men. As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was "smiling". His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance. He said, "Good day" as he counted the few coins he had been clutching. The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his salvation. I held my tears as I stood there with them. The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted. He said, "Coffee is all Miss" because that was all they could afford. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be warm). Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes. That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me, judging my every action. I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray. I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand. He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Thank you." I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, "I did not do this for you. God is here working through me to give you hope." I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, "That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope." We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given were we able to give. We are not church goers, but we are believers. That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love. I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand. I turned in "my project" and the instructor read it. Then she looked up at me and said, "Can I share this?" I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class. She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being part of God share this need to heal people a nd to be healed. In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald's, my husband, son, instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as a college student. I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn: UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE. Much love and compassion is sent to each and every person who may read this and learn how to LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS - NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE PEOPLE.

An Angel wrote: Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. To handle yourself, use your head. To handle others, use your heart. God Gives every bird it's food, but He does not throw it into its nest.

man. how can the germans be out of world cup?!?!?!?! what kind of cup is this?!??!?! crap man... =(

went to chill out and de-stress from all the CTs today with my class. they're really a bunch of retards that can be pretty embarassing. haha. but it's fun being with them. we wanted to watch "just my luck" after having lunch together at wisma, but we missed both shows at cine and lido. so we watched scary movie in the end. haha. i was quite afraid of wasting my money on it. haha. but God provides. apparently someone rich in the group was willing to treat me. HAHA. YAY! so i got to watch a crappy movie for free =)

scary movie 4 was really crappy, but i seriously think i was the only mad person beside pei hui who was laughing so madly. it's damn crap. no storyline whatsoever, and i realised that the same tricks keep repeating in every single scary movie. but it's still funny in a stupid way. had such a great laugh. heh.

went on walking aimlessly. i can't remember why, but we ended up at toy's r us and we stayed there for quite some time reliving our childhoods. man. had seriously loads of fun. the toys kids have now a days...tsk tsk. they sold those princess and fairy costumes and we were saying we could use those from prom. haha. imagine. all of us in barbie clothes...YEWWWWWWWWWWWW.

anyway, i read the sfc blog and it was bursting of new posts. it's so sad to know that the J2s are stepping down soon. SOB. they really bought alot of joy and love to SFC. i never felt so comfortable in my entire life, where i can interact with people so easily, to feel accepted without trying to do anything. i really admire how they're so close to one another, such that they can share all sorts of stuff with one another and help one another. arghz. i don;t know how to express myself. all i can say is that i really respect and admire my seniors. it's a pity we didn;t have much time to bond with u guys. but the time we spent together has been great. u guys really set a GREAT ROLE MODEL FOR ALL OF US =)

whatever it is, even after u guys step down, u'll still be up there as seniors and FAMILY members in SFC. you guys will always be part of us =) WE LOVE YOU <3333333

what would i do without these people???

bah. my common tests are a horror. the irony is that for the only subject i studied and studied hard for...screwed up, while the one that i didn't prepare for was ok. amazingly ok.

the only thing i prepared for GP was to remember the definition for poverty. it came out and i spent like the first 15 minutes trying to plan out the essay, but i ended up stoning. i then spent the next 45 minutes trying to write out my essay which turned out to be like crap and i just knew it wasn't good enough to give myself a pass. so i spent the last 30 minutes re-writing it and i'm happy with it =) thank God for His help and blessing.

the paper 2 wasn't good though, i was really bored with the passage and i barely understood what it was, all that big words..arghz. kill me. bio was the worst of the lot though. as much as i thought i studied well for it, i totally blanked out when i panicked cos i just forgot everything i studied. ok. not everything, but the first few questions i did i just couldn't remember and i continued panicking. i dun think i can make it though the MCQ. bah. i had like 10+ blanks and i didn;t have enough time. de silva could see me panick like mad and just told me to guess. so without reading the questions and the options, i just blankly shaded what seemed nice to shade =( same goes for structured, though there's nothing to shade. i basically blanked out throughout and i almost broke down on the spot. and ms de silva wasn't helping by staring at me do my paper. felt so demoralised after the entire thing.

i'm thankful though for the people that God gave me to make me feel better =) was quite disappointed when my closer friends in class didn't respond when i talked to them. basically i was ignored. maybe they didn't hear me or smth. but it did make things feel worse. i went down to the cafe alone and i saw deb, but wanted to pretend that i didnt see her cos i was already feeling like crap. but she saw me and called me to her. i'm thankful for friends like her in church. really really thankful. she continued to encourage me and all. after she left i had some time on my own to study before the sfc seniors joined me. not to study but just to accompany me. it was nice for a change to hear people just enjoying themselves istead of just talking about exams and all and just continue to stress me out. even though they were noisy, it wasn't distracting and i enjoyed being there with them. their encouragement and all made me feel loads better. thank yous. maybe after this common tests i should write a thank you message to everyone who made my exams much better =)

thanks you guys so much. man. i hope the SFC J1 members will grow to be as close and family like as the J2s. what would i do without these people???

wake up ur idea!!!!!!!

i'm sick of studying...even if i didn't do alot of it. but the bio is seriously overwhelming me. all that mitosis and meiosis crap. arghz. i believe all these studying will make my lysosomes BURST and release all that hydrolytic enzymes and digest all my cells and kill me. haha. bio rocks. i desperately need help in chem and maths.

i'm gonna fail my common tests. so badly that my grades can't even form the world "BODO(H)" (but getting a H for a grade is impossible. considering that it's not even a grade) my grades will make you sound amazed as u read it out --> OOOO =) yeps. many Os for OUTSTANDING. yea right. if only it worked that way.

the only good i see from exams is HOLIDAYS. =) simply cause i don't take every single subject that they offer at my school. yay to being unqualified to take 4 H2s. i'm happy =)

i'm super tired now. stayed over at chrystal's last night with sarah and amy to watch soccer. it was SUCH A BORING MATCH i was sleeping with my eyes open. portugal won in the end. yay. the only interesting part was when wayne rooney stepped stomped on the guy's balls. like OUCH. he got such a 'tude it annoys me. same goes with ronaldo. urghz. didn't manage to survive the brazil match, but found out that they lost in the end. ah wellz. pity those who placed their bets on brazil to win the world cup. they haven't been playing well anyway.

i'm disappointed in myself. haven't been behaving like a Christian. don't know what's going on with me man. kjajflsdjsdjksdjjfklad. i forgot all about today's comm meeting. actually, both the pub leaders that could make it forgot. Felt quite bad about it cos i didn't prepare for it. was supposed to reflect and evaluate on the team and my own progress. in a way, it was a wake up call for me. i realised that all this while in YF i've been serving for the sake of serving. i don't have the heart for what i'm doing. i've been such a horrible leader. i need to seek God for the direction of the team, to lead the team by His strength and plans, not mine. been living the past few days and perhaps even weeks by my own strength, my own will and all. horrible terrible me. WAKE UP YOUR IDEA MAN GLORY!!!!!!!

God's work =)

yay. so far. i'm on schedule for studying. question is whether i'll remember the stuff i studied after this. bahh...life sucks when ur memory is worse than an elephant or a goldfish. it's quite cool how before the holidays ended i was doing my QT and God just told me to go and do a schedule for my studying for the CTs. or maybe it was just me. i don't know. but it's quite cool how everything fitted in and how i still have spare time to watch soccer. hahahaha. YAY. and the coolest thing is that on the days that there's soccer at night, i dun have any paper or school the next day. WHOOTS! God rocks =)

my house is infested with ants. they seem to have nests all over the place. what is this??? i think a few colonies have started treating my house as their err...house. i have ants crawling on me. URGHZ. and worse of all. they are biting my fat ass....ARGHZ. stupid ants.

i think God has been really good to me. though things haven;t been great...with all that farness from God and failing of GP and arghz. everything. i was really feeling quite depressed at the end of the day. but i learnt and realised that all these while, God is just trying to teach me to rely on Him fully. and He gave me the concept of the sheep and the shepherd. you see, the good shepherd will give in His all for His sheep, giving them love, providing for their every need, protecting them even if it means endangering himself etc etc. u get the idea. and that's God. as for us, we're the sheep. and our job is to fully rely and depend on the shepherd. u know how dumb sheep gets. when they decide to go look for greener pastures they end up eaten or injured and the shepherd has to go and find them back. likewise, God knows what is good for us and if we decide to rely on ourself to get things that we think are good for us, we 'll end up hurt and all.

learnt this during QT today. we need to seek God by pushing hard
PUSH. you should know this: Pray Until Something Happens
H - Holy Living
A - Alertness to His voice
R - repentance
D - Desperate/Desire/Devoted

i like D the most. i need it the most too. i think it's the most basic thing. i mean, when u have it, automatically u will grow to want to live a holy life, u'll spend more time with Him, so u'll recognise His voice and be more in tune with it and u'll have a greater sense of righteousness yes? therefore the repentance thingy.

Read some Christian novel from the sch library and it's quite cool. language and all is really simply and lousy, but it's the content that counts. this girl was growing really close to God and her friends around her were all like non-christians and there was this bunch of kids that were like bullies and she witnessed them steal from the shop she was working in and they stole her car. being the bullies in the neighbourhood, no one dared to report them to the authorities simply because they were fearful. But God led this girl and gave her the courage to do so and He was just so clear in leading her it was way cool. throughout the entire process, she managed to influence the people around her and one by one they gained the courage to report to the police about what the bullies have done. at the last part of this series she got badly injured cos she was beaten by the bullies - bruises, broken jaw, cracked ribs, fractured shoulder etc. but her friends came and visit her and because of how she shone for God and how God worked in her life, her friends wanted to know about God . cool eh? hope we can see something like that in our lives. or even better. haha. why not? nothing is impossible.

Anyway, to those YFers reading my blog, pls pray for Joel Chong. He went for an operation and he's not healing well, bleeding quite badly. he's now placed in the Heavy Dependance Unit (HDU) something like ICU, but slightly better . yeps.