hiatus

i'm going for a family holiday to malacca. and i dun even want to go. nevertheless. miss me!

will update on christmas, my holiday blah blah blah when i get back.

TATA!

watched chronicles of narnia yest with the arc members. haha. it's really nice. but i felt really extra among my juniors la. all my brudders pang sey me. wah lao. shit. i sound so ah lian. haha. i suppose when u no longer belong u no longer belong there. but i'm still part of the family la. just that i have "passed away" and joined the list of ancestors.

anyway..chronicles of narnia was really good. it sort of revived the dead passion for God in me. ok. not that i didn;t have any passion for God. just not burning enough for me. i was just reminded of so many different things about God.

firstly, when all the fauns/centaurs/animals bowed to Aslan, it reminded me of the verse "every knee shall bow and every tongue confess, that Jesus Christ is Lord". and weirdly, i was very tempted to shout "AMEN! JESUS CHRIST iS LORD. ONE DAY, EVERY KNEE SHALL BOW, EVERY TONGUE CONFESS, THAT JESUS CHRIST IS LORD. HE IS LORD OF ALL!" but that would be really embarassing and rude. but still..so much passion in me stirred up for God. i wanted to cry. for no reason. dunno why either. haha.

then, the character or Aslan reflected the character of Jesus so well. in every bit of Aslan, i saw Jesus. so endearing, so gentle, forgiving, self sacrificing. and though he is well respected, doesn't consider himself king of narnia. rather, gave it to the boy =) just like how Jesus came down and got demoted from God to man. it reminded me of how great and good God is. and it made me wonder how i admired and adored Aslan so much and, it's so hard to feel the same way, or even stronger for God. perhaps it's cos we can only imagine and not really experience or watch what happens. still, God is an almighty God and He is FAR greater than Aslan =) God rocks.

and lastly, chronicles of narnia stirred up a passion in me to serve God even more, and to stick with Him thick or thin. i want to be in the final battle with God, just like how the faun, centaur, animals and the 4 chosen ones did =)

fancy that. God taught me all that in just a movie =) that's even more fruitful than my QTs. anyway. i was on my way home wondering about what God has taught me in the movie when this question popped into my head. How come God is referred to a lamb rather than a lion??? isn't a lion more mighty and all???? why a lamb instead when a lion commands more respect and everything else a king deserves????

and during qt, i realised why while reading a passage. it's because God wants us to be attracted to Him because of love, because of who he is, His character, rather than how he looks like, his status as king, the things he can give to us. simple. =) We love God because He first loved us =)

yay. my God rocks =)

------------------------------

today's outreach went pretty well =)
it's amazing how it didn't look like a huge turnout, but the funny thing is that most of the people there were newcomers and not the usual yfers =) cool eh???????? it's amazing. i really hope to see more people coming down and getting the opportunity to know God. what better gift for christmas?????

i managed to get steffi down for yf. i'm glad she's open to the idea of yf and wants to come down. yay =)

the drama was great too. even though i watched it before. i still find it funny. HAHAHAHA. i'm weird la. but it's really amusing to watch the new parts. like how ian acted gay and all. he really reminded me of austin from project runway. HAHAHAHAHHAA.

started giving out presents once the event was over. oh man. so pai sey. i forgot to take out the price tag =S hahaha. oh wellz. nvm la. i'm happy they liked their name on the note books. quite tedious. but i like it too =) haha.

i realised something about myself. i never or hardly use whatever people give me. like, i have an entire drawer full of gifts and it's all brand new still in boxers and bubble wrap all there. i just can't bear to use them cos they bear certain memories of each and everyone that gave me those gifts. i don't want them to get all yellow and old and ugly and dirty and then they no longer look aesthetically pleasant to be kept. nope. i wanna keep all these stuff for memory sake.

and i also realised..that there's nothing i really want. unless you can give me the ability to recognise God's voice loud and clear or a really deep and close relationship with God. but i suppose you can't =(

so i realised what i really am happy with for christmas is not the gifts i get, but rather the letters =) can help u save money and it means more to me as well. more personal and more sentimental i suppose =)

anyway, i had a nice day =) merry christmas. and now...back to my christmas cum encouragement cards =))))

YUCKY ROACHES!

EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW. i was joing with my bro about a cockroach being in his room while he was pulling out his bed. next thing i know, as i closed the door to the toilet, i heard something. u know those sounds that bugs make when they fly??? YAR! that kind of sound. i'm superbly sensitive to that. so yea.

anyway. i immediately got out of the toilet and ran into my bro's room. and he just looked at me as if i was mad. i explained to him and looked at the toilet. and there it was on the door frame. A HUGE GIANT FLYING COCKROACH! all big and disgusting and crawling its way down to the floor. my brother and i sorta freaked. and ran to my mum. haha. she killed it with such force the body split into two. gross.

i'm sorry but i seriously feel like a bimbo. i didn't have very good experiences with roaches and i never intend to have any more experiences with them either. so i'm pretty much traumatised by roaches. i can just freeze in fear and cry if i'm really face to face...err...cockroach to a ya. cockroach. heh.

or maybe i feel bimbo cos i just watched AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL! i reckon it's the BESTEST show =) hahaha. i just love seeing the photos, noticing the X-factor in each photo, the spirit of the eyes, the composition of the photo and oh my goodness...WAY COOL. i love tyra banks. even if she looks like an ant to me.(note the shape of her face. doesn't it remind u of an ant??) she's like super cool and all and yet she's so sensitive and loving. reminds me of amy.

haha. but it seriously is hilarious to see the first episode when all of them are all untrained and all. hahahaha. so funny. there's a few that looks like MEN. SERIOUSLY! i think drag queens look better than them. and then there's this girl who is super butch. haha. quite funny. the way she behave and all. and then there's this girl who has SUPER THICK eyebrows that look weird. like u noe u paste masking tape on the edges u want straight and then u rip it out sort of shape. it's hilarious. if amy was watching it i bet she would be dying to pluck her eyebrows. haha. there's like super extremes. then there's the typical miss worlds - bimbo and oh. "i love world peace" kind of people. and there was this contestant who said she was doing modelling so she could earn money and donate it to UN and all and when asked when was the last time she did charity work she couldn't answer. hhahahaha..loser. oops. i'm being quite mean. but ah wellz.

yay. typing out this blog entry has helped calm my nerves on the roaches. haha. now i shall just await supper. it's been a long time since my dad last called to ask for what we wanted =( yay! i hope he brings back good food =)) i'm hungry =)

meet DA boss

meet da boss

i went down to my mum's office to meet...HER boss. not that i really wanted to. i dun fancy meeting her boss. even if he sponsored my grp annually with a few thousand dollars. i dunno. but i think he's pretty peadophilic if u ask me. either that or he's perverse. or maybe it's just my mum making him sound like one. har har. i mean. it's weird how your MUM's boss can think so highly of you even though when i first met him i was only in sec 2. and then he kept checking up on me via my mum. and i'm not even closely related to him. minus the fact that we sort of looked related when i was in sec 2. and i'm quite sure i'm not related to him. as much as i want his money. haha. he's filthy rich. haha. i sound so greedy =

first of course. i had to worrry about what to wear. bah. i worse a pink blouse. yes. pink. but it's pretty cool cos it has those funky pockets and metal rings on it. haha. why do u think i wore it???? and i had trouble with the bottom though. i wanted to wear pants. but i didn't have any footwear to go with it. bah. in the end i wore a white skirt to go with a pair of white sandles with heels. it's very un-gloria-ish. my mum said i looked sweet. oh boy. well. after this. or rather after prom i realised a skirt isn't that bad. so long as it ain't the tight tight type. haha. but that doesn't mean i'll wear a skirt often. only if the need arises =)

anyway. back to the boss...

when i just entered the entrance of the office (his office is right at the end) and there i saw him pacing outside his office, as if he were waiting for me. FREAKY. talk about weird. and then he shook my hand so enthusiastically with such a tight grip it felt as if he wanted to have my hand. and immediately he invites me to sit down and before i can show him the njrc booklet and all (since he sponsored us it 's only right right????) he ZOOMS in on my future, my ambition etc! he keeps wanting to be updated on my future, my progress in my studies etc. ok. i think he's lonely and misses his kids. i mean, his daughter was also in ijtp as well (but that was a million years ago. she graduated like in i dunno when. he gave me 3 years. 1990, 1994, 1995 i dunno which to believe since he only has one daughter there!). and he kept saying that i was like his daughter. intelligent, capable blah blah blah. i'm like ..ookkkkkkk... anyway. i think he's HIGHLY keen on psychoing me to take the medical route. i think that was what he did to all 3 of his kids since they all are doing medicine related stuff. and he told me not to be swayed by others. UH-HUH.

anyway. i was pretty traumatised by him. i dun think i ever want to see him again. though he asked me to contact him if there was a need to. har har. for more sponsorship??? going down to my mum's office has made me realised alot of stuff. ok la. not much. only the fact that my mum has been bragging about me to all her colleagues. talk about embarassment. anyway. her office peeps never gives PROPER handshakes. always so extreme. out of the 3 handshakes i had, the first was super enthusaistic and hard, the second was super....soft. it was barely a shake. more like a touch. and the third was SUPER HARD. i think he wanted to break my fingers or smth. ahh...and my mum told me there was another guy who shakes even harder. oh boy. and then there was this pervertic colleague who kept staring at me and smiling....yew. and he wanted me to work part time for me and he'll spend 2 weeks training me and all...and he kept interviewing me. like what subject combi, where i was going..blah blah blah. thank goodness my mum stopped him and took me away. her other colleagues were pretty normal. though there was this guy that reminded me of one of my relief teachers. eeww. but i'm quite sure it's not. well. one thing's for sure.

i'll never work there.
part time full time wadeva time.
NO TIME!

christmas wishlist

i'm currently listening to the bickering noises of my younger brother and my cousin. oh yay. they've been dropping by pretty often for the x-box, internet, computer and the like. i feel like my hse is a child-care centre. then again. it's a small price to pay for getting rid of my younger brother in the morning and free rides to school daily =)

i'm pretty irritated at my brother's "act cocky" attitude. He's acting like he's real pro at HALO when the truth is he sucks. and he likes to choose the really really difficult mode so there are more enemies to kill. to be honest, he dies immediately after he walks out to the battlefield and then he blames my cousin for being a lousy killer. wad an ass. my cousin too is very cocky. so if u put those two together they are constantly trying to vie for the number one spot. which both seriously CMI. ah wellz. small boys..

anyway, i'm currently dying of boredom. i have no idea what to do. the only highlight of my day is in the morning when i had a really exciting dream as well as my really fruitfull QT after that. out of boredom..i shall record that oh-so-exciting-yet-ridiculous-"it-will-never-ever-happen" dream =)

to be honest, i can't really remember, but i shall just record bits and pieces of it. it may not be in chronological order mind you.

i remember seeing some teletubbies dolls flying around the air doing stuff. this guy wanted to sell it to us and i immediately thought of it as voodoo. as it is, teletubbies are known for it's evil satanic dolls. why my friends in primary school ever found them cute i have no idea. anyway. i asked the guy whether it was some voodoo stuffy and he said no. it was some electro magnetic crap. forgive me. i have no idea what that crap is considering that i do not take physics.

i don't know what happened to the dolls. but i remember being stuck in some pathetic village-looking place where the toilet was in this cave-like area and when u shit u had to dig a hole. it was...weird. but i guess we didn't have a choice. i can't remember what we were hiding from, but i have a feeling it's a dinosaur or smth. next thing i know we're meeting this bunch of weirdos from another country dressed like they're in "my fair princess". they wanted to race with us. i wanted to cheat and help my side win. and my mind thought about puncturing their tyres. as i held my fingers in gun shape and pretend to fire, weird but true, arrows shot out of my finers to their tyres. oh boy. what have i been doing!!!? anyway, we all squeezed into the car. the whole world seemed to be there, but somehow there was enough space for all, even though we were sitting on one another =S anyway, the opponent's car had some crocodile like horses and horse carraige wheels instead of tyres. it was a very interesting sight to behold. the race was highly exiciting..with some horrible shocking situations like driving through a road block, road repairs etc. we had almost reached the end when i woke up. i wanted to find out who would win, though the obvious was us. so i went back to sleep. this time, i was sitting in the back and the driver had changed. now the driver is my mum. oh my CRAP! she almost drove into an old lady at a bus stop who was hugging the bus no. pole for her dear life. it all seemed so real. thank goodness it's not. PHEW. and guess who won?!?!!??!

i dunno. cos before we reached the end point i woke up again. and it all seemed like dejavu cos i wondered who won again. haha. it's quite fun actually. exciting dreams. those stuff are no longer what i call nightmares =)

anyway. i've been spending the day writing encouragement cards, doing christmas presents and i'm dying. so i took a break and ended up eating all the leftovers from lunch - fried noodles and spaghetti. shit. i'm gonna grow fat. anyway..since i'm the christmas presents thingy. i might as well write down what I want for christmas too!

spiritual stuffies:

• a closer relationship with God
• more faith
• the ability to recognise God's voice
• a new bible(NIV please)
• a bible cover (so i can put a highlighter and pen inside!)
• christian books (like those on how to know God better, have a daily encounter with God self-help books)
• why not just get me a voucher from mount zion/trumpet praiselife book store etc. =)

electronics:

• the cool sudoku hand held device. haha.
• an mp3 player. i just want to listen to my christian music for qt and not have to on my computer everytime i want to listen. it's very distracting. oh. an ipod would do fine too =)
• a new laptop or a computer with loads of memory space, internet access etc.
• more disk space

others:

• jeans
• berms
• shorts
• school bag
• pencil box
• crumpler
• book vouchers
• eat sushi!
• more $$$
• bed
• hse
• room

what's your problem?????

i seriously have no idea what is wrong with this girlfriend of mine.

knowing she is such a sensitive little girl, i try not to tell her anything or just interact with her for fear that somehow, without meaning to, i offend her. once again. i did it again. just by asking her where she got posted to and where i got posted to. go ahead...be jealous i got into SA and you didn't. boo hoo. sob cry. whatever. i tried to comfort her whatsoever. she seemed happy to be in whichever school she was posted to. so the conversation of which jc didn't last long.

i kept quiet when she was complaining on her blog cos i thought it was just a phrase. and i understood cos i know i would feel that way as well so i just left her to cool off. i was hurt at whatever she said though. HOWEVER..she smsed me out of the blues just to tell me she was jealous and all sorts of other stuff. i got sort of annoyed. and even more hurt of course. it's not my fault that i thought God has plans for me in SA and all. i mean like HELLO!!!??!?? you thought so too?!!?! we're humans and sometimes we make mistakes. i can't say that i understand God's voice superbly well. honestly, i am desperately trying to figure out his voice among my friends, satans and mine. so forgive me if you must. and hey. good for me if most of my chruch mates and friends made it there. but if you haven't realised by now, alot of other people from our school are going where u're going too. so you probably will have MANY other friends there as well. probably more.

i don't see why you should complain about how people try and put you down, how they dump the blame on you etc just because u are nice whatsoever, but that doesn't mean you can plomp all your discontentment on me either.

i'm sorry if you're annoyed at my attitude towards you. my ignorance to your feelings. my insensitivity. but i do hope you'll accept whatever i have to say to you in a letter i will send.

God bless you.

new layout!

woohoo!! haha. as u can see..i did a new layout. ok. this wasn't supposed to be a new layout originally. it was a design for our cg shirt. it can come in different colours! ah yes. the wonders of photoshop =D

24/7 for Jesus. i wanna live my life like that. it's gonna be difficult. but hey! good things dun come easy =)

we went out for cg lunch today at cafe cartel. heh. the food is yummy =) it was weirdly quiet when all the food had arrived and we were all just eating. sort of reminded me of meal times with the brudders. ah wellz. after we were done i pretty much had fun just re-decorating the leftovers, taking from deb (her tartar sauce and lettuce), cheryl and christina (their baby carrots) and kelvin (his ribs bones), cheese left over from the bread etc. and HEY! it looked pretty good. i must say...they should seriously hire me. HEH. we had a really nice waitress. her name was IAN ONG. weird. i think she just took someone else's tag and used it. but she was COOL =) she joined us for jokes and all. i like such people =) nice and friendly. oh. apart from creating a new dish, we were pretty much amused by nick and kelvin's childishness. they were drawing retarded stuff like shit and caricatures of one another. oh. and we were also highly tickled by the weird jobs such as advertising for starhub. apparently they were paid $7 an hour to stand outside PS holding a newspaper which was the ad and pretend to read it though every page is the same thing. haha. it was really funny how people wanted to take photos of them.

we went off to play pool after that. oh man. i seriously suck at pool. haha. still, my cg mates were really kind. ok. minus daniel who was laughing his head off at every retarded mistake we made. how typical. someone needs to whack him. eugene taught me how to play pool after the others left. leaving christina, eugene and i. so now he's my SHIFU too. yay. now i have 2 eugenes as shifus teaching me different stuff. SWEET =) now i think pool's fun...once u get the hang of it that is. heh.

i went back to find my family who were shopping. seriously..the only shopping that truly amuses me is shopping in art stores, furniture stores, and TOY STORES! haha. i'm still a kid. not to forget my beloved photoshop as well =) i hate being with my family. i don't know why. i know i'm not supposed to and all. but yea. i just can't tolerate being with them. their voices itself irks me. i'm trying to love them and accept them etc. but it's just so HARD....RAH. i'm envious of people with nice close families and sort of wish my family was like that. but on the other hand, having that bad relatioship with my family makes me not want to be close anymore. call me fickle. i can't wait to get a job so i don't need to rely on my parents anymore. MUAHAHA. ah wellz.

i've made up my mind. i'll go to SA for the first 3 months. project serve.....well..after As????

postings for 1st 3 mths

i dreamt that i got into nanyang. and i almost died of shock. thank goodness it was just a dream. i got so freaked out i went to check my postings immediately even though it was 10 yet. i wanted to give it a shot. lo and behold. it was up already. thank God!

i got in SAJC. **victory dance** yay. i'm gonna have peeps like su hui, deb, cheryl, tsura, brandon,yijie and eugene. haha. ok the last 4 guys dun really matter to me cos i barely know them...but i love the first 3 girls. heh. it's so exciting! at least i know i won't be alone or smth. plus. since most of the yfers our age are going to SA, we can have prayer meetings, a SA CG hahaha...i'm all excited already. =) i can't wait to see what God will use us to do in SA =)))))

but still...i'm stuck between SA and going for project serve. i've been wondering about it. but now that i know i'm going to SA makes it even harder. i'm wondering if that's really what God wants me to do and yea...it's so DIFFICULT.. RAH..annoyance. how do you know whether it's really God or whether it's just you and your pathetic brain? rah rah rah. and it's not helping that my parents are ok with both choices. i wish i had less liberal parents at times as such as these. bah. God..pls guide me!

hse farewell party.

i just got back from the hse farwell bbq. i hated it. haha. i was...LONELY. BORED etc. sorta regretted going. i mean. going for a bbq with a bunch of people u barely know ain't the funnest thing.

i went there with a positive attitude. but that all died down after a while. heh. i'm sorry. but yea. sadly...sarah ain't around to talk crap with at night. made it worse. i felt..TRANSPARENT there. i was barely noticed. either that...or i've MIA-ed so much that they dont know i'm a sec 4 who has graduated =) nvm. i occupied myself by marveling and relaxing at God's creation. through His creation i felt His love and almighty-ness and it was just wonderful. i felt...weirdly happy and peaceful. haha.

i sort of got lost on my way home and i really freaked out. i tell u. if i didn't keep reminding myself that i'm 16 years old and i shud not cry when i get lost i would have lost it and start wailing. that would be embarassing. haha. taking a taxi is definitely not an option for me. very heartache to just waste money like that. oh wellz. but i got home safely anyway. i got alot of heart attacks though. let's see...first, i was pretty glad that i was walking on a familiar route. but when i was at some crossroad i panicked cos neither way looked familiar. i was quite lost, walking back and forth. in the end i walked back la. anyway..to brighten up the journey was some idiots. this guy was rollerblading and then he just like fell in front of me. i dodged and continued walking. and then i was walking on some path then this guy just started screaming words i can't make out at me. then he wanted to cycle RIGHT AT ME. bloody piece of shit. scared the hell out of me. he continued shouting weird noises that were like "aiieeyoomoarhs" (u get my point) and his friend was like sorry sorry. if not for his friend i think i'll be damn pissed. haha. i was quite scared after watching eye 10 when i had to walk down the underpass. what if the "people" i saw weren't people...YEEKS. anyway. i was safe la. finally got my way home safe and sound =) of cos i needed ice-milo to calm my nerves. i think i could be traumatised for life. remind me to never go home from east coast alone....EVER!

THANK GOD I'M SAFE!

camp, chalet, leaders retreat etc.

haha. i'm back. bet u guys missed me =DDDDD (pls do not call me egoistic for i have been greatly influenced by none other than...SARAH CHAN WEI QI!)

nvm. camp, arc chalet, leaders retreat have all been a great experience for me. all in different ways of course.

let's start with camp!
camp was fun. it was just amazing how God has touched so many people in camp. i was watching from the back of the hall all the time. seeing how people get touched, get slained etc. it was real cool. but i felt envious of them at the same time. i wanted to get touched by the Holy Spirit and all. but God had another plan for me.

before camp ended God spoke to me in a very gentle and still quiet voice, explaining to me why i wasn't touched like the others. and i understood from there. it was just so amazing and i believe that it was the best way to get touched by God. i mean. for me it wouldn't be any different if i went through all the big bang woo lala and then walk out felling all airy fairy with WOW in my head but nothing else has changed.

somehow.. i have a feeling God wants me to do something for Him, but i'm really scared and i dun dare to listen. it's scary....

anyway...to summarise...CAMP WAS A BLAST!

next. arc chalet
sad to say..i missed all that beach photo taking on the first day cos i had camp. but i dun really regret not leaving camp early cos i got to see ivan make a fool out of himself. haha...it's ok ivan you know we still love u =)

we had a nice movie marathon. at least i watched everything this time. we watched chicken little, just like heaven, the eye 10, saw, i do i do and constantine i think. haha. can't remember anything else we watched. i was touched by my darling head. she remembered my birthday! haha. she bought me this nice chocolate cake. so shiok. i had 2 chocolate cakes for my birthday this time. i love them. at least they know i dun like fruit cakes. haha..they were so hmm....i thought they forgotten my birthday or smth. haha. but no la...that's why i was pleasantly surprised when they got me a cake halfway tru something. so touched =) and to think i opened the fridge and saw a cake box there but didn't think anything...then again..i was blur as well when my family organised a surprised birthday party for me. haha...conclusion?? i'm blur.

LEADERS RETREAT rocked the most of all though. haha. it was both FUN and spiritually FULFILLING! double the F!
we went to this damn uluated beach la. sembawang beach i think. barely anyone was there. we had a meaningful time of devotion which was really appropriate for me la - "rejecting the praises of men" and yea. we hada fun time of playing volleyball. which i had no balls or idea how to play. i think i was trying to get away from the ball. quite scary. anyway. halfway tru the game we spotted a school of fishie swimming and pastor dave suggested we go fishing. HAHAHAHA. that was HIGHLY amusing. seeing how ian and joash went into the sea with a VOLLEYBALL net as a fishing net. haha. well. God called us to be fishers of men. so...as u can guess we din catch any fishies =) but i had a fun time playing buaya ball with ian, grace teo, cheryl tan, sarah, deb, chia ying. haha. ian was the only guy. thus the name - buaya ball. it's something like touch rugby. except the ball flies really high and far and it's more fun =) we get to do a victory dance after each score. haha. anwyay...we headed down for paintball =)

i loveeee paintball. haha. i think it was WAY COOL! i think it's something i'll never forget! i was in team A. pastor dave's team. the team comprised of all IJ people haha. we had deb and sarah - st nicks girls. joash - innova jc (IJ), pastor dave...err..ok. non-ij person and ME! really cool. felt like darth vadar. you could hear yourself breathe. and shooting your target is something really fulfilling!!! haha. it was really scary to have to take over pastor dave's position on the bridge too! but i was too small to be seen la. haha. i was almost killed by the barrel there though. at least i can proudly declare that i wasn't shot =) ahhaa.. but that's also partly because i kept hiding. amy scared the hell outta me. she's one fierce cat. MEOW! haha. forgive me amy. but u really remind me of a cat. but cats are nice =) so there. u know i still love u loads =)

we had the usual stuff, worship, plans for 2006 etc. worship was damn nice. we were a smaller group, but somehow it seemed more family-ish. even if most of the people there weren't close to me and all. but still. it was a very nice cosy feeling =) I felt God telling me some stuff. i'm not sure if it's Him or me, but i dunno. it cleared some personal stuff for me and it was real good after that.

i dunno, but i feel that Leaders Retreat grew my faith more. i supposed it's cos we had to put it down in action since we're leaders if yf now. and well. praying out loud no longer makes my face hot anymore and i can pray better. i was afraid of praying with the other leaders before yf but i joined them anyway, and it was GREAT i tell you. even though i was tired and all i din feel a wee bit tired during worship after that and yea..it was GREAT! i could just worship =) long time since i last worshipped like that but i know it can still be better. God rocks!!!! aiya...God just did something that i don't know how to put in words la. haha. nvm. i know, God knows can already =D

so there you go. my life as it was during the past week =) all consecutively happening. love u loads!
hahaha. and as amy always go.
gotta go darlings. kiss kiss!

syfc

i went down to syfc to check things out. it totally wasn't what i had expected.

firstly, i was 5 minutes late. but when i reached the station, i couldn't find anyone waiting for me. so i had to call the person who contacted me. but no one picked up. so i had to call syfc. and through that call, i realised that she had forgotten. ah wellz. nvm.

i followed her when she arrived and it was something very awkward. she introed to me the people there and the stuff they did. it sounds really cool and all and i get pretty excited about it. that was...until i met the entire group of people that i probably will have to work with later on =(

it was terrible. they were all...weird people. weird mad people. seriously!!! i was taken aback by how cheena people out of my life are! i mean...they were speaking and singing chinese! it was all so weird. i couldn't connect with any of them except for grace and 2 other girls. then i found out why. the entire bunch of cheena people were all from the same church and the were all like sec 1s and 2s. and those that i could sort of connect with were sec 3. the leaders thought i just finished my A levels. HAH! i must have appeared very mature compared to the rest! not a compliment to me though. the others were just way childish. i'm sorry. i can't tolerate you people. drove me nuts. and one of the leaders who came to yf to promote syfc turned out to be really mad as well. she was retarded la. acting like a wad...12 year old mad kind of girl stuck in a wad. 30 over year old body?????? and she kept insisting that she was very sane. yes maam..i SO believe you **smiles sweetly**

it's sad how going to an all girls school like ij make me so english-fied, so unable to accept the cheena part of others, how i cannot accept other cultures. nvm. grace was very sweet to help me feel welcome =)

we watched one of their products and had a briefing on the upcoming year. i felt like i was invisible once again. as if i were part of the group or just wasn't there. everything felt so alien. i was at least hoping to find someone familiar or smth. but i didn't. anyway. it felt weird being made to take photos with the group even though i was never part of it. i felt as if i were a ghost who was trying to be part of humans again, squeezing into a photo....aiya. it was all weird la.

i was invited to have a badminton match with them. it was all very confusing since they were such strict rule followers, dunno wad server over and all that language..ah wellz. at least it made time pass faster. i joined them for dinner. thinking that perhaps thigns might be better. things remained as it is and i was very surprised that they didn't wait for one another to get their food so they could pray together. no. everyone came back at their own pace and just...well..ate! weird. not what i had expected. i thought they would be more holy or smth. seems like they werent.

i'm now stuck in a dilemma. i don't know if i should forego my first 3 months for this media project serve thingy or not. i mean. it would be good. considering that i'll be exposed to the media stuff, working and testing out how it feels like, experience, going to professional media areas such as a christian ministry and radio stations to check out how things are. plus..this is the most exciting thing. i'll be going through apprenticeship. like work under a company for 3 weeks and if my work is good enough they'll use it! so cool right?!!?!!!!??!

AHHH...wad to do wad to do??????????????

sigh

i had a great time at east coast today =) the original plan was to well....watch harry potter. but as usual, our darling amy calls the shots. she didn't want to watch it..so alrite. we went for lunch, with ailin, christina and i in amy and shaun's car. i thot amy would join us...but well..once again, she didn't. i just don't understand why. she seems to change her mind so...quickly. sad. but nvm.

i was quite scared that i wouldn't be able to cycle properly since i just learnt last year and have yet been given enough chances to practice. haha. but all went well. it was a hilarious sight seeing sarah struggling to blade, but it was very sweet of daniel to accompany her..though i must say he was laughing at her most of the time. hahahaha. typical of him. but nvm.

anyway. kelvin made a bet with us - that we would find sarah and daniel in 10/15 minutes time. the girls lost, so we had to drink half a litre of water. well. it wasn;t so bad surprisingly =) i managed to survive. only thing it felt sick to have water slushing in your stomach.

i didn't want to go home. some personal reasons. shan't type it here. no one knows why. i myself aren't clear why. so how would you know????? so i followed sarah and deb to shop for their prom stuff. though most of the time i felt invisible. nvm. i think i'm suffering from some psychological problem. i dunno. i've been thinking about it, and the more i think, the worse it gets.

it's scary. and i don't wish to share. i have learnt from eddie carbone (from the veiw from the bridge) and i realised, it is always better to settle for half, and not to be wholly known.

prom night

prom night. what a blast. all the worrying and all is gone in such a flash. what the hell. ah wellz. it was so unexpected, but nvm.

the second shopping trip with amy wasn't that bad. in fact, it was done very quickly. which was good. and it was very much less torturous, except the lingerie part. haha. my goodness. i felt so scrutanised!!! actually. through all these trips, i realised what i liked best about relationships is the time you spend with the other party =)))

prom is a rather panicky kind of thing. we get scared when things screw up. liz and i panicked like crap when amy called to say grace couldn't make it to do our hair. i almost died of a heart attack! but we managed to get it all sorted out. haha. thank God!!!!

grace had a friend over, whom she called assistant hair dresser or smth like that. it was pretty amusing hearing them hoo-haaing over liz and my hair. they were "oohh...so nice!" or "my goodness. so pretty!!!!" it was fascinating just watching and hearing them haha. my both of them did a good job on me la. curled my hair really prettily. i never had in mind what they were gonna do to me. besides. everything changed on the day itself. and to think i went shopping -___-'''

i looked...different after the hair was done. haha. in the end...i was persuaded to wear a dress...so i borrowed joy's dress/gown. whatever it is. hahaha. so there went the pants, blouse and necklace that i bought. hahahaha. the only thing i had on me which i bought was....my shoes. yea. so there i was, standing awkwardly in amy's room waiting to be make-uped. at like 6.30, which was the time we were supposed to be there, i was still having my make up done. i hate the mascara thingy. even if i didn't put it on. it was so hard to not blink. sorry amy. couldn't resist blinking =) so we didn't get the mascara on in the end =)

it was a pretty cool sight. ok. maybe not sight. everything was blur. cos i wasn't allowed to wear my specs. **stares at grace and her friend and amy and liz** yes. i was forbidden to do alot of things. but thank goodness i survived the night! i shocked alot of people. having all sorts of comments. i have never felt so girly in my entire life. and steffi was going mad. she kept wanting to take photos with me. even if it was the same thing. only difference is the way we smile or whether it is nice or not. haha.

the special farewell to mr ng was very touching. it touched everyone =) peeps even wanted to cry. and mr ng DID cry. haha. sweet =)))) and we did a hey baby dance in our gowns. so unglam..all of us dancing like william hung. WAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA. still..something very memorable =) pity i didn't get to take photos with the teachers. sob. nvm.

we went back to the hotel, only to be shocked at the presence of novita's ahem. hahahahaha. we kept teasing her about it. but that guy is nuts la. he was following us all around until the next morn just because he wanted to take a photo with novita. he could have told us earlier and we would have GLADLY gave her to him. hahahhahhahahaa. we had originally wanted to go take christmas photos. but it was so stupidly dark. practically useless. so we ended up at macs drinking =) i drank coke. heehee. and we sort of went mad. ok. maybe just me. su hui and denise kept refusing to sleep with me. hahahahahhahaa. ahem. as in. innocent kind of sleep. yea. =D

we stayed there, talking and talking before retiring back to our hotel room where we had a bath and all. it was such a pain taking out all the pins in my hair. after the removal of pins i looked like a mad woman. hahaha. was tempted to take a very unglam photo. but aiya. nvm la. so i just went to bathe =) i think curling my hair has made it even more straight. haha. i know it's weird. but it did!

novita konked off quickly. but we can't blame her. she was sick. poor baby. any o how. we went mad. M.A.D mad and drunk. haha. ok. we weren't drunk unless the coke was drugged. but that's besides the point. we were talking and chit chatting until around 4 plus before i slowly...but unawarely drifted off the sleep. hahaha. it was so comfortable. i refused to wake up the next morning. besides. everyone was still asleep. except for su hui. she's a mad woman. i dunno what she did all those while we were sleeping. hahahahaha. but it was so comfortable. and we went mad again. ok. i did. think i can high when i'm with close friends. haha. su hui was regretting she said it was a blessing to know us. nvm. we know we still love one another =))))) it was such a heartache to pack up and leave that place. but nvm. we had loads of fun taking photos. doing pyramids, pillowfights and all sorts of rubbish. haha. i love my brudders.

traumatised

I have confirmed over the past few days..ok. 2 days. I AM terrorised, traumatised, wadeva-ised. The idea of shopping is HAUNTING me. Seriously. Whenever my mind is free that immediately comes to mind..ARH..I can't wait for this horrible thing to be over. one can practically see when i'm thinking about it. it shows immediately on my face. whereby my face contorts and distorts into a scrunched up expression or i just shake my head violently to get the thought out of my head...

I seriously need to learn how to become a fellow what they call "female". As much as I am physically one, I seriously think that I am emotionally and mentally not one. It's like a guy being stuck in a girl's body. How torturous is that???? I mean. How do girls know what looks good on them and what doesn't???? How do they colour their face so beautifully with make-up?? How do they squeeze their body into such tight fitting clothes and still be comfortable. Not to mention..BREATHE????? HOW???? How do they walk in hills (oops) I mean heels. What's so great about skirts and hard to wear things like dresses with all sorts of funny stuffs???? I just don't understand!

it's like as people are trying super hard to give me a makeover, everything on me looks disgusting even though it looks so damn good without me wearing it. Rather. It looks good on the mannequins. it's depressing. haha. i think i'm going through puberty. my brain has just caught up with my body. sad. rah rah rah rah rah. it's driving me nuts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bah. i have to go get my top and all the other rubbish for prom tmr. alone. with amy. the idea of doing so is scary itself. but i know i don't have a choice. if not....i'm pretty much dead for prom. can just hide in the hotel room that the brudders are getting. hur hur hur. i'm definitely not going to look forward to all that. heh.

i went out with steffi today. what a horrible experience. haha. everyone should never share an umbrella with Steffi Goh. my goodness. she's so annoying. she clings on to you like cling wrap on a plate. and kicks water at you, dirtying your beautiful white shoes. then she screams and laughs like a hyena. i was utterly embarassed!

we got lost in suntec. hahaha. apparently..i didn't know how to get to marina square. i tried back tracing my steps from the way sarah and i got to the mrt station on sunday. but apparently i still got lost. thank good ness i wans't alone. i could have just sat there and remain lost and still be unaware. ok la. i was aware of it. i just didn't know what to do. hahaha.. throughout the entire thing, steffi goh kept complaining. thank goodness i'm so good natured and could tolerate her. if not i think i would have exploded on the spot. haha. dun worry steffi. i still love you =)))

i figured out something as she tried to make me try on all sorts of weird stuff. which i easily refused and she too easily gave up asking me to try =) what i realised was that i needed someone i was scared off to make me try on female stuff. someone like amy. as much as it is such a horrifying experience. it's the only way to get things done. SAD. think so far amy is the only successful one who has been able to get me into all sorts of things i prob never would touch. unless some fairy godmother comes along and make me girly. **claps for amy**

i agree with debs. getting stuff for prom is almost as hard as choosing the next route - jc or poly. RAH. and to make matters worse....i can;t log on to msn. yay....joy...

shopping from prom. oh the horrors

i went shopping for prom today. but firstly, i had to follow all the cgls to someone in singapore for their cgl lunch. i felt so extra. esp since i wasn't a cgl. never will be. but that's another story.

i felt so...extra. i mean. everyone there were like the youngest being 18. ok. the people there were mainly 20 something. with the exception of chris chia who was 18.there was...jon ji, amy teo, ps dave and his wife heather, renzi (who is married)and i think thazz about it.

i felt so awkward. stuck between amy and joanne and sitting opposite renzi pastor dave and heather. with the closest friend as a cgl being sarah who was sitting at the other end of the earth, i mean table. felt so...lonely...and extra...bah.....and to think that in the future i'll have to go for leaders retreat is scary.

everyone seemed excited for me. for prom. weirdly. dun understand why. they were all suggesting what to place me in. what colour etc etc. it was stressful. i'd rather study than go through all that prom prep. oh boy. but i know it was highly fascinating for them to watch me shop. actually. i didn't shop. amy did. haha.

shopping for prom was an entire whole new horrendous experience. i was so intending to pon prom because it was such a horror trying to find something to wear!!!! i was made to wear dresses. all sorts. tube like ones, halter toppy ones, spaghetti strappies one all sorts of weird stuff that i had no idea how to put on. call myself a girl. i seriously believe i'm stuck in the wrong body! RAH. why can't i just be like a guy. be easy. get a shirt, coat etc.

i dun think i ever stripped down to my undies in front of someone. even if she didn't mind. i did. i felt as though my privacy had been intruded.WHYYYYY...it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO STTTREEESSSFUUULLLLL. especially if u have a figure as bad as mine. so embarassing. argh.. i am seriously intending to get a sex change. i;m just very different from girls i suppose. shopping and make up and all..not my stuff. i was looking at the interiors of shops. the cool shelves they have. sarah and chrystal were like "you can't wear shelves!!!" but it was a really nice decorative shelf =) and they had nice clocks too! bleah...they don't appreciate such stuff. sad people. an dun forget. shopping is such a money sucker thing. everything we saw was SOOOO eXPENSIvE! my goodness! no wonder they always have no money! see...my parents should love me more for not spending so much of their money.

anyway..i felt like a country bumpkin. amy just couldn't understand how anyone could live all the way till 16 without wearing any high heels before. i did =))))) ok. i'm not 16 yet. but still =)shopping with them all in all was a very stressful experience. i felt watched. with the need to meet all that high expectations, with ideas totally different from mine. i'm more casual =) can't we just go for prom in our sch u??? they can't say it's inappropriate can they????????? and it felt as though they were all so frustrated. and they were just being nice cos i was such an idiot.

they all left after that, leaving sarah and i together. i felt very much relieved. as much as i love amy...she stresses me out..somehow. sarah and i started talking. with me telling her how i felt and all. it was so much better. i feel that i've grown closer to sarah and we're able to share more private stuff with one another. it's good to have someone u can trust to be accountable to. we continued shopping and sarah bought some stuff at topshop. liz is so gonna love her presents =)))))

we went off to bishan after some more shopping. and went to j8 where we met her mum and had dinner at thomson plaza at like....9???? i think the ramen was too filling. i was stuggling to finish my meal...arh..but it was nice la. i never eaten ramen in my entire life. it was good =))))

and after this horrendous experience shopping. i can't believe i have to do it again cos i'm not done...WHY!!!!!!!!!!!! oh God...save me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

big new transition

oh boy. so many things that are going on. i'm pretty much overwhelmed!!!

it's good that Os are over. i pretty much dun care about my last paper - art hist. i never scored in that anyway...so i'm pretty sure that i won't be relying on paper 3 for my aep score =)

but now that the Os are over. the horror begins =S

firstly. that means that prom is approaching...fast. and i have completely no idea what on earth i'm going to wear. but i know for sure it's not a gown. my darling lovely cgl will be bring me shopping tomorrow. and since my bro sadly had to return to camp and thus is unable to make it, i dragged sarah along. muahahaha. then again. she's excited for me. weird. in church everyone is excited...no. not those going for prom. others. i don't understand what's so fun about prom....i suppose i'm just too afraid to face up to the facts that hey. i'm losing all my friends. thinking about it alone just makes me wanna cry. i'm so sorry if there are parts of your farewell letter that you'll be unable to read cos of tear stains. try figure out what i'm writing =)

anyway. back to prom. more sobby stuffs later.

i'm in a way, both scared and excited for tomorrow. i've never really dressed dressed up. well...partly because i don't know what to do and cos i know my taste is horrendous. so i avoid humiliating myself. heh. peeps wants me to wear a gown. but as it is, i'm seated so FAR away from my close buddies. sad. and far away from the stage. YAY at table 31 that's like what 2nd/3rd last row??? yippee. someone remind me to bring a ladder on that day so i can watch wad the hell is happening! i'm scared too. i dunno wad to expect from amy. as it is, she's a real...style queen and all..full of makeup and makeover tips. but her style is so not my style. since she has style and i have none. still..it's a scary thing. FIRST BIG TRANSITION.

and then, i'll have to start packing my stuffies to pass to my juniors and counsin. not that i'm sad to get rid of my books. i'm more than glad to. but it's just so many! i have no idea how to start. so far i got barely anything cleaned up..but i got 2 bags of rubbish thrown away already =) it's a good start. then i'll get my room repainted and hopefully get this childish triple decker bed out of my room and replace it with a sofa bed. haha. i want a slacking cosy corner. if i have the $$ i'll get a beanie. but for now. i might just get a small rug and put my 2004 birthday present from the brudders (the incredibles director chair) there. cosy to read books i suppose =) not that i read much. but it's always good to look smart and intellectual. note that i said look. i obviously ain't. i didn't inherit my bro's chao bugger genes. which THANK GOD i'm pleased with that =)

and next there's choosing of jc or poly route. i can't make up my mind. i dun really want to go to a jc since i'm pretty sure i'll hate the As. and yet i;m afraid of going to a poly cos i'm scared of making the wrong choices. oh the horrors. it's driving me nuts =S this is the time i wish i didn't have a choice =((((((

and then yf. i'm happy that i'm growing in my walk with God. but this is really scary. all of a sudden i got so much work to do. big changes in pub, new projects, with me heading them, website flash to learn, people to recruit, being part of the ministry leadership. all this info within a day. i was seriously swept of my feet. and the sermon was on TEAM! on service, serving! i'm excited and scared once again. i know all these will make me more dependant on God. well.. i asked for it. it's weird how most people just pray for friends and stuff to go well, while i pray for a closer relationship with God. so i shan't complain but praise God for all these new stuffs that's coming my way and sweeping me off my feet. i look forward to all these, knowing that it'll help in my growth and all. God rocks =) but. i'm scared too. i'm not the type that interact much with people i barely know. it's gonna be a real challenge to lead the team next year. and i know it deep inside. i'm worried i won't do a good job, won't lead the team to grow and all. all that vision i have. it's always empty talk. i did a horrible job at leading arc. i don't want the same to happen. and i'm scared. frightened the hell out of my body. i cry thinking about what i've done. if things did happen that way...i wouldn't be the president of arc. neither would i be in house comm. nor would i be in class comm.

yet. though i didn't do a good job in any of them, i realised that i did make an impact on the people around me. reading the autographs that my classmates wrote for me is really encouraging. and i am indeed surprised at how i had unintentionally and unawaringly inspired them to study, how i had encouraged them in their faith through my own words and actions. it's scarily shocking. yet true, and it's shocking! i thank God for encouraging me through you guys. through my cg, through teachers. THANK YOU =))))

the end of Os marks the end of my life in ij. i never knew how i would ever ever ever miss a school. especially since i was so eager to get out of pri sch, wanting to start afresh. away from all that gossip and all that horrible illtreatment from fellow students. and to think some came from my close friends were really hurting. i came to IJ all by myself. and i started afresh. i never wanted to be the teacher's pet ever again. not that i became one again in secondary school, but it was a chance for me to restart my life. to explore, to grow.

i never planned to be a leader, to be so "successful" in people's eyes, to have such a beautiful cca record. i entered sec one, joining a cca which i would never have grown in. a cca which would never have brought out the best in me. sec 1 passed so slowly, yet so beautifully. i admired my peer support leader, even though many of my peer support members and juniors hated her. weird. we stayed in contact. even till now. though we hardly talk. but that's besides the point. she played a part in my life. and it was important.

then there was mrs helen tan who had so caring took time off when i had terrible menstrual cramps. i so wanted to die and get rid of my uterus there and then. still...she was there, talking to be so gently, wiping my sweat and all. such love, i always wanted, yet never experienced. i was touched. thank you mrs tan (who was ms ng at that time)

then in sec 2, i quit gym. cos i hated it so much. i was trying to find a slack cca, yet something that would bring me far. give me a good record. i heard robotics had at least one competition a year that all members would take part in. this meant that i would get good cca grades rite?? so i joined, after checking with it's current members how it was. i fell in love with that cca on the orientation itself. there was this closeness among the seniors, this friendliness that drew me to the cca. i was glued to this bond that i myself wanted to have. thus, my love for arc started.

arc wasn't a slack cca at all. i clearly remember. no one in arc can forget that. haha. but it was something i don't regret though sometimes i wished i was never part of it. the brudders all started out as strangers. novita with debby, clarissa and i, regina with ?????, anne marie, denise, su hui and tiffany as one since they were current members. we were never close in sec one. yet, it was arc that brought us together. through Oasis, the bond among us grew, and it stuck with us throughout my life in IJ.

the times of stress we shared during competitions, NJRC 2003, FLL 2003, FRS 2004, NJRC 2004, FLL 2004, robocup 2004. THANK YOU. the tears, frustrations, joy, stress. everything. THANK YOU SO MUCH. i don;t want to let you guys go. i want to hug all of you tight. never let you go. i refused to hug anyone of you and say goodbye during the retreat because i wanted to believe we will be in contact even after we leave. but one by one, as you came up to me, a big emotion welled up in me as i cried and realised how much i loved you all, how much i am unwilling to see you all leave. it tore through my heart. just as it is right now.

i dun wanna say good bye. i don't want to.

countdown

ok. so i'm not supposed to be here cos i'm still having my Os...but it's always good to rest right????

the Os have been well...not too good. i'm definitely not confidant about anything. there is practically no subject in which i can walk out feeling extremely confidant about. but i must say...the Os have open my eyes to alot of things.

during the Os, i finally realised how wonderful view from the bridge was. for once in my entire life, i actually remembered quotes. in fact. it was really loads of fun remembering them. it was like acting. only you don't have to face a large crowd. loved the drama...haha. it was really fun memorising quotes with the brudders. i'll really miss those days. it was really sweet of them to share their notes with me..**sniff** i wonder if i can find friends like them when i go to poly or jc. reminds me of this phrase "we share cos we care" haha. sounds damn cliche. but heck la.

and for the first time in my entire life, i finished the entire book of bio. not that i remembered the stuff that came out. that's another story =)))

studying for bio has made me realised really cool stuff that i never knew. and to think i've been taking bio for 2 years. haha. shows how much i studied eh? i finally understand why the hell my face is oily enough to last me my entire life to cool all my meals. it's because i don't drink enough water and the way the body prevents more water loss from my body is by storing water in the body and produce oil to prevent evaporation. cool eh?? no wonder they always advise you to drink more water when you want to slim down or want to get a not oily face =))) COOL!

doing aep has also made me realise that i'm better off colourblind. why do i say that???? i think my colour choice sucks. at least if i'm colour blind i have an excuse. haha. and i realised how digitally graphicky my works are. not that i can help it. but i just can't do other stuff. sad. but hell. i like digital art!

and i realised how wonderfully beautiful the library is. if i go to jc. i'm going to the library everyday to study. at least i'll have consistently good work =))) (my younger brother has just corrected my grammar. he told me to type a capital letter after every period.i mean. full stop.) anyway. the library's a nice place. minus that weirdo old libriarian who is so free he goes around the library practically every second to check on people. mad person. he doesn't allow you to rest from reading, nor allow water bottles to be on the tables. and he whispers loudly. which is no difference from talking softly. i swear he's mad!

anyway. i've already started to clear my room. it's nice knowing that my room will soon be empty and clean =))) woe to my cousin and juniors who are going to inherit my notes. haha. it's not going to come in handy. plus. it's quite enjoyable to know that your suffering is finally over. i just can;t wait to see my younger brother struggle through PSLE. (right now he is next to me breathing like a stupid bad breathed dragon. and he is attempting to erase this off, but i'm so not letting him =))))) )

another 3 more papers...and i'm done. freeddddddoooommm...

then..the next thing to worry about is...the choosing of jc. or rather...prom. oh my goodness. i hope amy doesn't make me pierce my ears. i like them the way they are =) i dun need holy. i mean...holey ears. cos God gave me one per ear already =)))

adios!

-

just when i thought i could concentrate on my subjects....along comes...aep paper 2. BAH. i hate it. and i know i have to do a good job cos aep is one subject that i'll be using for my L1R5. AHHH...crappers. i think i'm gonna screw my Os up. but it's ok. i have back up plans. if i go poly, i'll get into the media industry..which i think i'll be happier in. and if i go JC....i have plans to go get a degree in psychology. cool eh??? i reckon..i'll be happy with either =)))

lala. i HATE studying...i LOATHE studying..YAY!

dunno...some rubbish test i got off clarissa's blog =)

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||| 33% Stability |||||||||||| 50% Orderliness |||||||||||||||| 66% Accommodation |||||||||||| 50% Interdependence |||||||||||||| 56% Intellectual |||||||||| 36% Mystical |||||| 30% Artistic |||||||||||||| 56% Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Hedonism || 10% Materialism |||||||||||| 50% Narcissism |||||||||||| 50% Adventurousness |||||| 23% Work ethic |||||||||||||||| 63% Self absorbed |||||||||||||| 56% Conflict seeking |||| 16% Need to dominate |||||| 30% Romantic |||||||||||||||| 63% Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 70% Anti-authority |||||||||||| 50% Wealth |||||||||| 36% Dependency |||||||||||||||| 70% Change averse |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 63% Individuality |||||||||| 36% Sexuality |||| 16% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||| 56% Physical security |||||||||||||||| 70% Physical Fitness |||||| 30% Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 63% Paranoia |||||||||||| 50% Vanity |||||||||| 36% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||| 70% Female cliche |||||| 23%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

cool site-rapture

check this out. really cool!

http://www.siapudding.blogpsot.com

**there is no typo error in the link. it's not one of those blogspot sites yea!

oh boy. this is either damn inaccurate...or i'm damn old at heart =(

You Are 20 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

i mean. i'm not even 16!

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You Should Get a MFA (Masters of Fine Arts)

You're a blooming artistic talent, even if you aren't quite convinced. You'd make an incredible artist, photographer, or film maker.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

artist??? HEH. graphic artist prob. but no way am i gonna be a painter/sculptor/art teacher. HAHA.

____________________

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment. They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

How Do People See You?

_______________

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a creative hotbed of artistic talent. You're always making pictures in your mind, especially when you're bored. You are easily inspired to think colorful, interesting thoughts. And although it may be hard to express these thoughts, it won't always be.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

uh oh. i think i've been doing too much aep =S
_________________

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

___________________

You are a Believer

You believe in God and your chosen religion. Whether you're Christian, Muslim, Jewish, or Hindu.. Your convictions are strong and unwavering. You think your religion is the one true way, for everyone.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

__________________

Your Birthdate: December 6

A birthday on the 6th of the month adds a tone of responsibility, helpfulness, and understanding to your natural inclinations. Those born on the sixth are more apt to be open and honest with everyone, and more caring about family and friends, too. This is a number associated with responsibility and caring - this birthday lends a degree of concern for others.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

____________

You Are 40% Boyish and 60% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

no wonder steffi always say i'm gay. =|

_______________

You Are 40% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

_____________

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often. In relationships, you tend to be a bit selfish. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

____________

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are calm and rational. You are also giving and kind - a great friend. You are easy going and trusting. However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games.

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

____________

Your Inner Child Is Scared

Like a kid, you tend to shy away from new experiences. You prefer what's tried and true - novelty is scary! New foods, new places, and new friends are difficult for you to deal with. Some say you're predictable, but you enjoy being comfortable.

How Is Your Inner Child?

_____________

Your Seduction Style: Prized Object

The seduction game you play is tried, true, and still effective: hard to get. You know that the best seducers turn the tables - and get their crush to seduce them. The one running has the power, and you're a challenge that is worth the chase. You are a master of enticing and pulling back. Giving a little and taking some away. You are controlled enough to know rewards come after a long seduction dance. Even though you want to call, email, or say "I love you" first - you don't! You're style is the perfect mix of hot and cold - so much so that you have many suitors. Think Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's ... or any of those creepy guys from the Bachelor. You're skilled at inspiring a chase. The real test is picking the person to slow down for.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

haha. i dun seduce anyone!!! but if i am...that's quite correct. haha.

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Your Ideal Relationship is Serious Dating

You're not ready to go walking down the aisle. But you may be ready in a couple of years. You prefer to date one on one, with a commitment. And while chemistry is important, so is compatibility.

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

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yay. could u tell how sick and tired of studying i am???? yay. good for you. i can't wait for Os to be over.

i'm gonna...

- throw all my books away
- re-decorate my room
- work with the web team on the flash intro
- go learn roller blading and ice skating
- go for chalets
- go camping at east coast with my CG
- go work on projects at singapore youth for christ..OHH..EXCITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- eat at sakae sushi =)))))))
- get familiar with flash and mambo
- experiment with web stuffies and prob get my website up
- design CG tee
- WORK OUT AND GET GREAT ABS and MUSCLES!!!!
- play bball daily with the brudders in school!!!!
- go mad and jump off the building in a moment of gladness =) (of cos this will be last. or maybe it won't happen. hur hur)

end of times

random pic. perhaps that's wad making me short =S

sat's sermon was scary. i missed almost everything except the last part. but thinking about the coming of christ is really scary and the only thing i can think of is:

"shit. i am in so deep !@#$%& crap. i'm so going to hell"

it's weird how we know that the end is coming soon and yet we don't know what to do. everyone is giving the answers of

a) evangelise
b) be a good christian
c) please God
d) spend more time with God

etc etc.

yet, all seems so superficial. the motive is all wrong. isit then, still counted? they often say that God looks at the heart, not at the results etc. but if the motive for doing all these is to get to heaven, will we succeed???

the signs of the end times are clear. some people choose to avoid facing it. but does avoiding it help to prevent it from happening??? if it does, i will avoid it too. but i know i can;t.

my mind is in a whirl. on one hand i want to give up. yet on the other, i know i'm clinging on with my dear life. after this life. will i get to heaven??? what must i do then...to be able to get to Him? to stay with Him???

yet. the only answer i can think of is so simple it almost seems impossible. it's just a four letter answer - LOVE. i didn't think of it until just now, as i was typing this entry, asking God for the answer to these questions. and it was just so simple and straightforward. why didn't i think of it???? isit really the answer? or isit just me and my imagination???? i really do not know.

i dun deserve anything because of all i've done. i've "murdered", swore, lied, stole etc. why would someone so pure, so holy, love someone so insignificant like me???? someone who so often feels not part of society or someone who feels so lousy compared to everyone and yet has no guts to show.

amy often tells us that it's not your academic results/material possessions/status that makes you who you are. rather, it's who you are in christ, as God's children, that makes us who you are. as much as i would like to believe in that, somehow i don't feel the same. it seems as if this society requires you to have all the above. i remember how great and welcomed it feels when you have good grades, status etc. but it was all just short lived. but nevertheless, it existed, and it was enough to feed my hunger for attention.

i realised that i've been living on the praises of man. and realised with surprised that i do have a few love languages. but i have expressed them not very openly.

physical touch --> i DO love hugs and all. but i'm afraid to do so cos i'm afraid that people will think i'm les or wadsoeva.

gifts - i dun mind giving you gifts to show i care. but thinking of a good and meaningful gift is so tiring. that sooner or later. i'll have nothing good to give and i dun want that to happen =(

time - i do like spending time with the ones i love. but sometimes i'm just so afraid of what they will think of me that i'd rather avoid spending time with them cos my mind gets really paranoid.

affirmation - i LOVE affirmation. it encourages me and gives me a greater sense of security and acceptance. letters from others help me to know you and myself better. yet, i do not dare express myself for fear that people might think i'm obsessed or that i'm a scary stalker.

i can't remember the last one. forgive my failing memory. all in all. i realised i'm such a loser who is so afraid of everything.

the o levels pracs are coming. i'm scared =((((

it is finished

it is finished.

yes. i finally completed my boards. i think aep is another slimming centre. then again. when i'm eager to finish smth, i dun eat =D. that is why i have starved myself the past few days. having only one cup of milo to last me all the way till dinner, where steffi and i were gladly leave the mac lab to long johns or KFC =D

it was a nice time being able to talk and spend time together. it's weird how we never became close until this year. i wonder why....through such bonding sessions, we realised how we think alike etc. and the reason why was due to how we were brought up. if we're talking about how our character is due to nature and nuture, i would say...BOTH =d whatever experiences we obtain during life, we learn from there and our character changes as we adapt. and nature plays a role too as it determines how we're going to react to these experiences =D see!

but i must say...steffi and i are similar and different in different ways. i suppose we do complement one another. i mean. i for one am able to tolerate her. haha. which by the way...DOES require a HUGE amount of effort.

no la. but i suppose i'm too lazy to get angry or smth. no idea.

it's fast how these 4 years in IJ has passed. i mean. with ARC speeding up my sec 2 and 3 life, and sec 4 preparation for the Os speeding up the last year in Ij. i believe that as we grow older, time since to past faster. i remember how i would sit in my couch during the day and wondering WHY THE HELL TIME WAS pASSiNG SO SLOWLY! then again..i was just in primary sch.

all those weirdo autographs stuffies have started flooding in. it's sad cos it shows that we won't keep in contact etc cos we need the details to be written down to remember. =( but it is very touching and encouraging when u read some messages. you get enlightened bout the things you've done that seems so insignificant to you and yet so impactful in someone else's life. i never saw myself as inspiring just because i was a leader or a christian. i always thought i had been a horrible example for both aspects. i suppose we dun see things others do eh????

it's nice knowing what people think of you. well..of cos the good side. haha. thazz why i can't wait to read testimonials and all =D it's FUN! make me happy =D

i'm sleepy. i MUST study. and yAY! under mr teh's teaching i've understood RV. mr tan had just confused me earlier on tues lesson cos he was too cheem and i was lost. haha!

life ought to be simple. =))))))

i went to CJC's open hse on sat. it was pretty interesting and fun. we had a guide to guide us around the school, but right after the the first stop, which was the drama club's play, we lost her and she lost us. ok. so basically debby, su hui and i were wondering around the school aimlessly, but THANKFULLY..we met gen, who had coincidentally lost her group as well. so might as well. she became our guide. which was better since we could talk more comfortably. she brought us to her CCA - air rifle. where we tried the guns out as well. i totally sucked at it man. esp pistol. i missed all the many shots i did. quite embarassing. haha. but the peeps there were really nice and encouraging =D must be the IJ girls there. hahaha.

everyone there was so friendly and all, especially the Ij girls. weirdly although we din noe them, we could talk so easily. now i want to go to cjc. they have such fun CCAs. bah...but my parents and my bro aren't pleased with the idea. sad. they're like against every school. ACJC as well. i dunno. perhaps they're looking towards getting me in a high ranking JC...like...RJC or hwa chong. hmmm. i won't survive there la.

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sarah, eugene, dan and i went to amy's hse to study after church today. it was my first time there and amy's hse is so nice! even if it's small, it looks so cosy and all =DDDDD according to amy, we started at about 2? so that means i've studied for about 5 hrs today??? not bad. but it's normal for sundays since we always study together =D

i felt quite left out at the hse. was the only anti-social one sitting on the floor at some small glass table while the rest sat at the dining table. so naturally, when they talk, it was like watching a play going on. me totally out of picture unless occasionally they had questions to ask me. felt quite extra, but it's partially my fault that i chose to sit alone. aiya. they were already so squashed up at the table already. i felt quite bad about studying at amy's hse. her mum didn't seem happy about it. or maybe i'm just being a little too sensitive. then again. i keep feeling the only person feeling ok with me is amy's sister, grace.

seeing how close the family is and how peaceful it is makes me wish my family was like that. perhaps it's cos their family's full of girls except for their dad. but its nice. wish i could be in their family until amy's mum spoke. she sounds very fierce and scary. dun think i'll live under her. haha.

sometimes i think about how people think about me. especially when in a group and i'm all left out and not talking. like today. i keep getting the feeling that amy hates me and she's just being nice cos i'm in her CG. she wants to bring me shopping. i dun mind going, not that i like shopping, but it's a chance to spend time with her. but at the same time i'm reluctant cos i know it's really hard for both of us to converse. we're sort of like worlds apart. going out with her alone and shopping for MY clothes is going to be something really awkward. so many a times i wish to be able to spend more time with someone. and yet....i have no guts..especially when i look up to that person. bah. why can't i be like others. like sarah, christina etc who are able to mix with all the seniors and juniors alike? i feel so pathetic. hiaz.

sometimes i wonder...if i'm....nvm.

FINALLY!

FINALLY! my aep project is CONFIRMED completed. i have officially sent it for professional printing. i'm happy. but mr tan, there was seriously no need to give me a smack on my back to praise me. not to mention a REALLY REALLY HARD SMACK! my lungs almosy popped out when he did that. i know i'm quite guy. but i dun have the physical strength of one. so YEA!

i was the only one who had ended up following him to print the works. sad. why??? cos everyone else had to leave. aiya. i didn't really mind since it would be a bonus shud i need to print my own works in future =D plus, isn't it my responsibility to go down with him to print them?? i mean. it's not even his job to do it for us. but nvm. others see it differently i suppose. it was VERY fascinating journey. and i learnt and saw alot of stuff i never saw before!

things i've learnt about Singapore, art and myself:

1) i've learnt that City hall and bras basar complex is pretty near. now i know how to get there =D

2) i found new places for art materials, books, printing places etc

3) i've learnt how to source for the cheapest printer available from mr tan. not that i don't know how.. i just lack my internal organs (guts)

4) singapore DOES have pretty cool shops after all. esp those furniture shops. they look GREAT!

5) bras basah complex has ALOT of stuff that i want to get my hands on =D

6) i figured out the reason why i hate shopping --> i hate crowds.

the last point was REALLY fascinating. i mean. i never knew i was pretty scared of crowds until today. i guess i finally realised how small i am and how scary it is to see a humongomous bunch of strangers CHARGING towards you. quite scary. at one point of time. i wanted to cry. but i felt really silly. so i din =D which was good. i mean wad would u think when u saw a sec 4 girl standing in the middle of a shopping centre crying like a 5 year old who just lost her mum. weird rite?

i suppose mr tan noticed how fascinated i was with my surroundings that he asked if i ever been shopping often. which..i dun. i prefer pigging out at a single restaurant =D like sakae!!!!

i can't wait for the Os to end. even though it hasn't even started, i can already imagine the immense joy i would be experiencing. but i just have this weird feeling that i might accidentally jump off a building in my state of joy and excitement. hmm..people. pls restraint me!!!! can u imagine?? after i die, newspaper reports: girl dies after o levels due to excitement. hmm..and once results were released the headlines would be: she didn't know she got straight As. sad. i hope that won't happen. then again. it's quite impossible to get straight As. dream as i may. but i'll try =D.

i'm trying to think of designs for the CG tee. but my brain is not thinking. and i can't be inspired by any single thing. bAAAA...where are all the cool and funky stuff????? hmm

fun day =D

shagged

piang. been so tired lately. i've been working my ass off for aep and i've been unable to work on any other subject. on one hand, i want to focus on my other subjects to get my A1s, yet, i know that AEP is one of the subjects that i can secure a 1 with =(...rahhh

been sleeping at 12 plus daily just cos of aep and i'm still not done. it's supposed to be done. but everytime i show mr tan, there will be changes to make and all. damn tired. havent done any of my homework yet. RAH. dying..dying...stress arh. Thank God for God

he taught me yesterday and showed me a verse which impacted me:

John 16:33
"in the world, you will have trouble. but take heart, i have overcome the world"

hope i'm correct though. haha. not referring to anything except my memory. too shagged out to move la. and after this short break MUST continue with the monkey. ape. ahem. i mean. aep. tyred. i mean. tired.

RAHHHHH.

i'm annoyed. frustrated. FUCK.

i can't sit down and do my aep properly. it's just so...URGH. and i'm restless.

so i try making full use of my time by STUDYING...but i can't!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK.

i feel so drained of energy. i don't want to do anything. i feel uncomfortable doing anything and everything. except drinking coke.waha. coke rocks =D

i wanna go out to cycle. catch some breeze to loosen my muscles and bones. RAH. so tired. so sick and tired. thazz why we shudn;t have prelims! it'll kill people like me! people like me who can't sit down and study! why the hell did i take 9 freakin hard subjects. RAH.

and i can't continue slacking like this. o levels is coming soon! rah

anyway. i shall divert my attention on this frustrating stuff and concentrate on my wonderful time i had yesterday at the gathering. ok. it wasn't very exciting or wonderful. was rushing to somerset mrt cos i was going to be late. i didn't expect to meet khairul at dhoby gaut cos i thot i was the only one rude enuff to be late. HEH HEH. anyway. this guy just came up to me and said "xiao jie" in some weird quacky voice that's abit guy yet girly. looked up and to my surprise, it was khairul. and that ass hole was laughing at me for still being so short. i'm sorry. pls forgive my shortage of growth hormones. apparently i had so kindly left them in my mother's womb for my younger brother who is growing like i dunno what. both horizontally and vertically. sadly, not mentally.

we reached and mrt station and realised we were sort of the last. alvin saw me and he was like "wait wait. who is this???" i STARED at him. hoping that out of my eyeballs would come punching gloves to punch that stupid face to wake him up. he almost got killed by reg and i for not recognising me. ahahahaha. but of cos. we didn't cos we're such nice people =D

we went down to cine, where we stood outside for God knows how long trying to decide where the hell to eat. apparently, our initial plans were to eat at pasta mania and sit there and chit chat and catch up on one another. but apparently, some people didn't want to eat at pasta mania. so guess wad???? we ended up at BK. -_______- that was WHY i didn't why so many other people to come. hard to decide where to eat. lucky there was irsyad who was a very fast decision maker. unlike me. who won't decide until i make sure everyone is happy. it was obvious SOME people weren't happy. anyway. they didn't look happy the entire way. i was basically stuck in between regina who was quite annoyed by the presence of someone, with the black faces of another group who were so extra among my clique. so yea. but i didn;t show my displeasure to make everyone happy. there was clearly this division la. hui hui and gang formed one, while khairul and the rest of us forming another. it was like this since primary sch. but they came only cos yy called them. ah wellz. nvm.

we wanted to go play pool after dinner cos apparently hui hui's gang didn't fancy the idea of sitting there talkin. they had to smuggle me in considering the fact that i'm under 16. haha. but by the time we reached there, the place was full. so we decided on bowling instead. SADLY. when we got into the lift, we realised we were headed in the wrong direction, thus, we settled on the arcade =D which was fine for me anyway.

oh! i mustn't miss out this part. at the entrance of the arcade, i saw this really really cute, hot, handsome guy! **swoons** he's like tan, mixed blood, gorgeous body and everything i would die for. ok. maybe i won't die la. but i realised my eyes were glued to him for a while until i had to pull my eyes off him cos it was rude to stare. haha.

anyway. once again. certain people weren't happy. could tell by their refusal to do anything except stand around with black faces. either that...or their face is always like that. sad. i played some star wars racing game. haha. quite amusing. feel damn pro with those controllers. but i lost la. sad. felt that game cheat my money. it wasn;t as if khai and i were racing. we were playing against the comp. SURE LOSE ONE LA! but we had FUN! irsyad was very sweet. bought loads of tokens for us to play. haha. his treat =D played loads of air hockey. heehee. for a guy. or rather gay, khairul hits very....erm..gently. the disc thingy could barely cross the net everytime he hits. wahahahahahhaa. loser. but it's damn funny. i mean. he's like gayer than before =D

we played all sorts of games. including dance dance revolution. which alvin and isyrad so sporting played for the sake of amusing us. i almost died laughing. obviously, they failed the first round. hahahahahahahhahahaha. being relative nerds, we enjoyed some brain games as well. those spot the difference, find the words kind. haha.quit eenjoyable. but we're cheapos la. like use one token for one player but actually like 6 people playing. haha.

we left for home at about 10.30 to about 11. took the nel back with khai since we were the only ones living in that area. we talked on the train and amused one another with blond jokes. it was quite embarassing having khairul laugh like mad at one blond joke. at least now he has a new favourite blond joke =d

ah well. all in all. it was a relative fun day =D hopefully. the plans of having a chalet for the grp will be taking place after the Os. and it better just be the few of us and no one outside the clique cos i could sense friction. so yea. =D