Guidelines for life, yo

New Year's Resolutions Guidelines - Things to do before turning 30

1. Enrich Myself

• Sleep at least 8 hours a day
• Drink lots and lots of water
• Eat well; less oily and unhealthy food, more vegetables and fruits
• Take my vits regularly
• Exercise 20-30 mins at least 3x a week
• Leave work on time
• Invest more in skincare

DO:

• Complete the DIY cross stitch I got for my birthday
• Read more books; finish reading How to Build a Billion Dollar App
• Attend art exhibitions, do more cultural things
• Paint / draw, express myself more creatively in my free time
• Learn a new language - Spanish? Improve Mandarin?
• Attend a workshop on Economics and/or Excel
• Attend floral arrangement classes
• Plant flowers, fruits or vegetables 
• Do volunteer work; mentor troubled youth, organize a beach/street clean-up
• Reuse, reduce, recycle

2. Enrich Relationships (Family & Friends)

• Try out new recipes; cook my family a meal once a month
• Organize dinners / drinks, host art jams / game nights 
• Plan a family trip to Korea, friends trip to Bali / Taiwan?

3. Enrich Love Life (Partner)

• Go on dates (do things together) once a month - no matter how casual or small - love isn't always about the big gestures, intimacy is in the little details
• Make plans in advance for travel & adventures! 
• Spend quality time together and apart (refer to section 'Enrich Myself')
• Be kind to each other and to ourselves

I haven't had the urge to write/blog in ages; 'studying' journalism at university and working as a media & marketing reporter for a year in London somehow tainted the experience for me. I type away on the laptop all day every day for work, yet writing for pleasure feels almost foreign now. It's as if I've forgotten how to express myself through the written word. I pray it's like playing the piano; hopefully my fingers will remember the keys even if my eyes no longer recognize the score.

Funnily enough, the day before 1 Jan 2016, I had the rather shocking realization that this would be THE year I turn 30. I felt the sudden and in-explainable desire to pen every single thought in my head. What is that feeling? PANIC. How did I get to become 29 (on the cusp of 30) in the blink of an eye? Why am I so unaccomplished? Endless items on the checklist of life to be ticked off, so many experiences yet to experience, places to explore, dreams and ambitions to be realized... (bad habits to kick, ahem) and so on...

I couldn't quench that urgent desire to write, and it increasingly reeked of desperation. Why the panic to write a few bloody resolutions? I felt pressured to tick items off a list, things I assumed a 30-year old should've accomplished and more importantly, should be. A ticking time bomb (deadline: x December 2016) in the form of a to-do list. How ridiculous.

Halfway through writing this, I realized how silly I was being.

We live in a society where everybody (literally) has something to say about you, to you. From your 95 year old grand-aunt who claims she has one year left and pressures your elder sister/you to be married by June; to your overly conservative and borderline sexist co-worker who tells you you have a 'Fuck You Face' and randomly (read: cryptically) texts you a URL to an article about 'The science of the Resting Bitch Face' (in what one can only assume is a passive-aggressive manner) to your mother who constantly reminds you that you are 'difficult'; and acquaintances who say "no offence" then proceed to tell you what THEY think you are good/bad at, in a backhanded kind of way (based on no real evidence) and what you should do with your life.

You know what? I don't need another person placing unnecessary pressure on me to live up to some imaginary standard and definition of what a 30 year old should be. Even and especially if that person is myself. At the end of the day, all that matters is that I try my best. And so, I shall think of my New Year's Resolutions as Guidelines, after all, isn't life a Work In Progress meant to be tweaked as we go along?

And with that, enough for tonight. Adios amigos x

Regression to the mean

"One day I'll wake up 
And it won't hurt anymore"



Even if you don't remember me, remember my name
I remember you, and yours.

Even if you don't feel anything when you look at me,
When I look at you,
I remember the way I felt when I was with you,
The way you made me feel.

The way you kissed me, held me,
Made me laugh, made me cry.

My face in your hands.
Your kiss on the back of my shoulder.
Your arms around my waist.
My hand in yours. Your lips on mine.
Fingers and bodies intertwined.

When You and I were Us.
I remember the first time, and the last.

I'll never understand why I feel the way I feel about you,
All I know is...
I'll remember for the both of us.

first kiss

first kiss

sweet 
soft tender

butterflies

holding faces

first time

looking into your eyes

fingers intertwined
so intense

The many reasons why I love my family

Yesterday
The Mothership takes pity on my working late and picks me up from the train station. As soon as I get into the car...

The Mothership: You wore SHORTS to work?! They let you go to work looking like that?!

Me: *no response*

The Mothership: You look so disheveled! Were you caught in a hurricane?!

Me: *no response*

The Mothership: What's wrong with you? You look so pale!! 

Me: *bursts out laughing* Just give it to me mum! It's not like I'm tired from a long day at work or anything. Just keep it coming! 

Today

Robot brother picks me up from the train station. We get out of the car and walk into the house.

Robot brother: Why are you dressed like an aunty?! (Translation: Why are you dressed like a middle-aged woman?)

[For the record, I'm wearing a white cotton tank, tucked into vintage - Italian tailoring, mind you - high-waisted pants and cinched with a leather belt, topped off with a chunky gold cuff and leather sandals]

Me: *no response*

The Mothership: *chimes in* Yeah! Why aren't you wearing any lipstick??

Robot brother: She totally looks like a hobo!

Me: Thanks guys, just... Thanks. 

In case anyone was wondering, this is what it's like growing up in an Asian family. Cue rolling of eyes.

A snapshot of love in full flight

"Under the endless invoices from nannies and car mechanics, receipts from the supermarket with points promised yet never collected, and a veritable Commonwealth of magnets acquired at various travel hubs, lies a photograph that must date from the first year my girlfriend and I began seeing each other. I’ve no idea who took the picture but I’ve always been especially fond of it. She is on my back in my arms, and I appear to be running as hard as I’m laughing. The glowing red cherry of someone’s cigarette smudges across the frame. A snapshot of love in full flight; the very essence of that first, wild, beautiful year where we would stay up all night and do all the things lovers are supposed to do, and many of the things they’re not." 

- Jonathan Heaf on Date-Night Dressing

And if my heart should somehow stop

And there are times I know when I will have to chase you
And the further from my side you go, the longing grows
And I will hate it, I still want you,
Cause I will hate it, but I still want you around

Another sleepless night. 
I find myself here again, penning my thoughts. 
Why am I thinking about you? 
Perhaps this is a symptom of post-traumatic (Valentine's Day) syndrome.

Romance... what is that? 

I used to think love and romance were about grand gestures - flowers, couple rings, candlelight dinners - and showy declarations. It's taken me 27 years to realize otherwise. True romance is in the little gestures.

It's easy enough to splash out on one day a year, but it's quite another thing to hold her to sleep every night, to make her breakfast in bed every day, to walk her to and from the train station without fail, to carry her out of the bathroom after every shower, to prepare baths for her (complete with candles and incense) after a long day, to crazy dance with her (wearing pjs) in the kitchen/living room when a good song comes on, and slow dance with her (standing on your feet) surrounded by people at a party, looking into each other's eyes like you're the only ones in the room. To draw her little maps (because she always gets lost) and leave typewritten notes around the house for her to find, to sketch her when she's unaware, to make her limitless cups of coffee and tea, to chide her when she's hungover and nurse her when she's ill. To love her through the good, the bad and the crazy.

To tell her she's the best thing to ever happen to you, 

And to leave her because you know it's the best thing for her. 

Almost 2 years on, and I still haven't been able to fully open my heart and let anyone else in. I'm afraid no one will ever love me the way you loved me. That I'm incapable of loving like that again, because I'm terrified of getting hurt. I'm so broken on the inside I don't feel anything anymore. Worse of all, I don't think I want to feel. 

We all get one great love in this lifetime, I'm afraid you might have been it. 

Resolution #8: Socialize; catch up with old friends, make new friends. Be less dependent on existing social circle

Done and done! Let's recap...

Sipping delectable dessert wine at quaint french cafe Le Bistrot du Sommelier along Armenian Street followed by potent cocktails at The Library x V1/K/friends; long overdue supper at Jalan Kayu + talking for hours (God I've missed J.LML); stuffing our faces at Sun with Moon x the makeupgroup; gorging on yummy tapas and downing inappropriately-named (I thought H was the most uncommon name in the world, I couldn't have been more wrong) mojitoesque drinks  at Bodega y Tapas x the COT; sumptuous yumcha x N/P/M at Lei Garden and dinner with IJ girls M/J/J this Wednesday!

Hitting the Andy Warhol-Studio 54 theme party at The Art Bar/Butter Factory x the girlz #vicanda in full-on glam mode - think Bianca Jagger in her heyday - vintage Frank Usher Grecian goddess gown (from my 21st), vintage gold belt & clutch, brown suede heels with gold straps. Glowing skin, smoky gold/bronze eyeshadow, cat eyeliner, red lips and retro curls pinned up on my right/cascading down my left. Even the unexpected presence of the Irish couldn't bring me down. 

I think the dark clouds are finally passing. 

It's only January and already I've managed to catch up with various social circles absent in 2013. This year has gotten off to a good start. Fingers crossed it stays that way!

I should add #15: Try new things to my list of resolutions; too easy to get stuck in a Club St/Kyo/life in general rut... Loved the impromptu catchup x SMc at Jigger & Pony last night. Am usually so harried rushing from one social event to another that it felt thoroughly refreshing to sit at a bar and chat over cocktails (sans time constraint)

Plus I want to check out these places (additions anticipated):
House of Dandy
The Spiffy Dapper
Tippling Club
The Secret Mermaid
Bitters & Love
Oxwell & Co
The Black Swan/The Powder Room
Maison Ikkoku
The Horse's Mouth
Oh, I've just booked my ticket to Laneway this Saturday - Whoop whoop to losing my music festival virginity! Hmm, I wonder what to wear...

I want you to know, 
that when I hurt you I didn't understand what I was doing. 
But I do now. 

I didn't love myself enough to let you love me.

Happy New Year

(Belated) Happy New Year y'all! 2012 was a year of high highs and low lows, but also one filled with CRAZY fun, adventure, self-discovery, reflection... and copious amounts of alcohol. I have a feeling 2013 is going to be the same, only better ;)

Looking back, it really was - the same, only better.

Kicked off 2014 via dinner and champers with the family - it was pretty perfect is its low-keyness. It also acted as a reminder to get my priorities in check for the coming year. Family first, friends second, everyone and/or everything else can get in line.

New Year's Resolutions
Positivity
Patience (and to be patient while trying to become patient)
Fearlessness
Kindness - to myself, and to others (especially my family)

No. Boy. Drama. (Note to self: Focus on self) - I was meant to stay away from boys all year, so this probably counts as half-done?
Read more, write more
Drink less, exercise more - done
Socialize; catch up with old friends, make new friends. Be less dependent on existing social circle - done and done
Work smart. Manage time more efficiently. Get promoted. Get a raise.
Do more with my life; take a class, volunteer at an animal shelter, mentor troubled youth etc. - tennis, cycling at Pulau Ubin, semi-hiking at MacRitchie - done
Save up for my future - at least $10K
Make decisions and follow through - visit V1 in Beijing, Taiwan in May, London in August. Travel is obviously top of this list - Beijing, Bali & London, Cambodia, Japan!
Sleep more - done

And on that note, adios amigos. It's wayyy past my bedtime.

xoxo

"Dearest Gilly, sometimes I feel there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing, I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know... Maybe I've had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon." 

- Practical Magic

Before Sunrise / Before Sunset

"When you've felt that much about a man and he disappears from your life, after a while you start to think it was just some foolish illusion on your part and that the other person walked clean away, no scar tissue. But maybe the other person felt the same."

It's unhelpful quotes like these which are the reason I am where I am today. Sitting cross-legged in bed post-clubbing at 5:51 am on a Sunday morning, hair dripping wet from the shower, wearing glow-in-the-dark pjs from when I was eleven, and thinking of you.

Still you. Always you.

Finally watched Before Sunrise and Before Sunset consecutively. From over three hours of dialogue, this resonated the most: "I guess when you're young, you just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times." 

In my twenty six years, I've only had a handful of true (romantic) connections, some of which culminated in relationships, others which were fleeting but memorable nonetheless. I'm painfully aware of how rare it is to connect so intensely with someone on a mental, emotional and physical level, which is why I couldn't / don't / will never understand how you could simply walk away.

I guess the difference between you and me is that I've experienced firsthand the brevity of life at a young age, so when something special comes along, I know better than to let it slip away. After all, life is short; it could all end tomorrow. Might as well have lived today.

It's too late now anyway. The damage has been done. You've made a fool out of me.

Friends, you say? Why? So you can convince yourself you didn't hurt me as deeply as you did? Sorry, but my pride - pretty much all I have left - won't let me; I can't be friends with someone I'm still in love with. Although if anyone asks, I will plead plausible deniability. It's hard enough admitting it to myself, let alone others. For God's sake, I can't even look him in the eye for fear of giving myself away.

Above all, I refuse to beg someone to want to be with me. I've lived long enough; I deserve better than HAM. I deserve better, full stop.