Preventing sexual assault: Tips guaranteed to work!

Love this.

Please distribute this list. Put it up in your place of work, in your university’s library or wherever you think they might be read:

1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.

2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!

3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!

4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.

5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!

6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.

7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.

8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.

9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!

10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.

Via. (h/t to my mom)

What you can get out and what you can't

Based on my personal experience in the last two days ...

Things you can get out of the sofa fabric:
- Big black streaks of marker (thank you Crayola washable markers)
- Spit up
- Dorito "cheese"

Things that you CANNOT get out of a three-year-old's hair after an outdoor playgroup:
- Dirt
- Tree seeds (those ones that look like rolled oats)
- Tiny pieces of mown grass
- Various seed pods

Seriously. I washed her hair for about 1/2 after we got home, and she still has miscellaneous yard detritus all over. Maybe next time I should scotchgard her ahead of time. It worked with the sofa.

Final Countdown: T minus 5 days

Daily Index:

Watching - American Idol. Because my brain is just that fried.
Eating - What have you got? No, seriously. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT.
Reading - Bridge of Sighs by Richard Russo. Because my brain isn't that fried. Although I can only manage about 10 pages before I fall asleep.
Wearing - only stretchy jersey-type fabrics. In XXL. Don't judge.
Hearing - the harmonious sounds of my almost-three-year-old daughter making up nonsense songs, repeatedly requesting to play with my iPhone or watch a "bideo" on the computer, and running/dancing around the living room with just her diaper on.
Cursing - the fucking SNOWSTORM currently raging outside my windows. Also the fact that the high tomorrow is supposed to be, like, 5 degrees. At least it's supposed to warm up again by the weekend.
Loving - that my long-suffering husband, when he comes home and I'm all pregnant-pissy-cannot-be-pleasant, instead of shooting me the evil eye gets on the phone and orders me my favorite take-out pasta and plays with the Hatchling to get her out of my hair.

"A" is for Answers meme

Because, like Christopher says, hell if I'm going to do this and not re-purpose it for blog-fodder!

Rules: It's harder than it looks! Copy to your own note, erase my answers, enter yours, and tag 10 people. Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real. . .nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.

Have Fun!!

1. What is your name: Elise
2. A four Letter Word: Uh ... eff-off? exit?
3. A boy's Name: Ethelred
4. A girl's Name: Esther
5. An occupation: Elevator operator
7. Something you wear: elbow patches
8. A food: eclairs ... emmenthaler ... eggs ... mmmmmm
9. Something found in the bathroom: epsom salts
10. A place: entryway; England
11. A reason for being: esprit; elan; ephemera
12. Something you shout: Egads! (no, really; I shout that sometimes)
13. A movie title: Ever After
14. Something you drink: Evian; egg creme; Everclear (shudder)
15. A musical group: Eurythmics
16. An animal: Elephant
17. A street name: Emerson
18. A type of car: Edsel. Sadly.
19. A song title: Every Breath You Take
20. A verb: evince

Consider yourself tagged.

IT IS SO TRUE

Ha! Got this from my friend Alex. Had to share. Thanks for the home remedy suggestions! I will try them all.

more music charts

New Year's Rejections

So, while I get the principle of New Year's resolutions, they mostly make me feel like a failure at some point during the year, and lord knows I don't need any help with THAT. I'm having a bit of a downer of a week anyway, partly trying not to get freaked out about the second kid, partly money worries (join the club!) partly that I've been on a Nick Hornby streak lately, and while the dude can definitely write and is often funnier than hell, he's not always exactly uplifting. Also: this FUCKING MINNESOTA WEATHER. Christ, I hate the cold and the snow. And I hate it even worse when I'm responsible not only for moving my own fat pregnant ass around but also a squirming, slightly rambunctious toddler, size XL.

But I digress. The point is, I decided it would make me feel better to list the things I plan on rejecting in 2009. So here's a list of things that will be getting a big ole middle finger accompanied by several rude noises in the coming 12 months:

1. Dieting. Rejected totally, comprehensively, and absolutely. 'Cos it doesn't work, one, and it's bollocks science, two, and it sucks, three.

2. People dying. Yeah, I know it will still happen, but I REJECT IT.

3. Feeling like a failure either professionally, maternally, socially, or otherwise. I will do the best I can on all fronts, and people will just have to DEAL.

4. Bigotry. One of these days I'm going to be behind a car with a "Yes on Prop 8" or those stupid mudflap girls or, hell, even "Bush/Cheney '04" and I am just going to REAR END IT. Consider yourselves warned, people who almost certainly do not read this blog.

5. Shitty TV/Movies/Music. Unless it's the good kind of shitty. Because life is just too short.

Whew, that feels better. Join me in some negativity, won't you? What do you reject this year?

Memed

The Hatchling has been sick since yesterday with what we this evening determined is probably a double ear infection. No one has gotten much sleep the last two nights, and tonight isn't looking much better. Mostly all she wants to do is cling to my side and watch PBS kids. So ... not so much with the blogging time, or the any other kind of time. Fortunately, I got tagged, which is a synonym for lazy blogging. Hopefully I can get this post done before the Hatchling needs urgent maternal attention again.

1. Five names you go by
a) Elise
b) Ceesa
c) Mama
d) Lees
e) Elisimo/Imo

2. Three things you are wearing right now:
a) Stretchy maternity pants
b) Stretchy maternity top
c) Irish totem necklace

3. Two things you want very badly at the moment:
a) To win the lottery.
b) A healthy child who can return to her normal excellent sleeping habits.

4. Three people whom I would like to see fill this out:
a) Scott
b) Question
c) Miz E

5. Two things you did last night (Friday, 12/5):
a) Ate Chipotle (mmmm)
b) Watched a truly unhealthy amount of Sesame Street

6. Two things you ate/drank today:
a) Unbelievably good wild rice soup (courtesy my mother-in-law)
b) Pomegranate 7-up (pretty good!)

7. Two people you last talked to on the phone:
a) My sister, getting an update on the baby
b) My BFF, putting in my order for Chipotle

8. Two things you are going to do tomorrow:
a) Take the Hatchling to the urgent care pediatrician
b) (fingers crossed) get a Christmas tree and start decorating the house

9. Two longest car rides:
a) Athens, GA to St. Cloud, MN
b) Columbus, OH to Santa Barbara, CA

10. Two of your favorite beverages:
a) caramel cafe lattes
b) chocolate malts

AND ANOTHER:

Pick a color for the things that you have done. Mine are in red letters.
I have…
1. Started my own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched lightning at sea
14. Taught myself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown my own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Skied a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Ridden an elephant

Distractions

Here are some things to distract you from those election day jitters:

1. Take this quiz on the Obama and McCain campaigns. I got 19 out of 30. Can you beat me?

2. Check out this cool NYT gadget. I love the differences between the Obama and McCain words.

3. Lookit my new nephew!! Born this very morning at 9 am. Welcome to the world, Jackson Hunter Chemay!

Oh, what? I haven't posted in a kajillion days? Quick, look - here's a fluff post!

You Are a Comma

You are open minded and extremely optimistic. You enjoy almost all facets of life. You can find the good in almost anything. You keep yourself busy with tons of friends, activities, and interests. You find it hard to turn down an opportunity, even if you are pressed for time. Your friends find you fascinating, charming, and easy to talk to. (But with so many competing interests, you friends do feel like you hardly have time for them.) You excel in: Inspiring people You get along best with: The Question Mark

What Punctuation Mark Are You?

Yessssssssss!

You are Wonder Woman
You are a beautiful princess
with great strength of character.



Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

Meme!!

I got me some tag.

5 things found in your bag:
1. Hand lotion
2. Skip Hop diaper thingy
3. Random earrings
4. Fruit leather and raisins for the Hatchling
5. Sigg water bottle

5 favorite things in your room:
1. Funky 70s-era chrome mobile
2. Ikea gingko-patterned duvet
3. Walk-in closet
4. Big painting of violets done by an artist friend
5. My sweet, sweet, cherry sleigh bed

5 things you have always wanted to do:
1. Win the lottery.
2. Run my own theatre (company and building).
3. Be an expert at something physical: dance, yoga, Tai Chi, something like that.
4. Go to New Zealand.
5. Learn Welsh.

5 things you are currently into:
1. Gardening/Landscaping
2. Blogging (duh)
3. Procrastinating on my dissertation
4. Long romantic moonlit walks on the beach ... er, wait. Wrong list.
5. Playdates with cute toddlers

5 people you’d like to tag:
1. Eric with a C
2. Shanny
3. Mom and Kiddo
4. Amy
5. Ali

This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

OK, look at the picture below and see which way the sexxxxy lady is spinning. Is she turning clockwise or counter-clockwise? According to this site, the way she's turning depends on your brain dominance. If you're right-brain dominant (like yours truly), you'll tend to see her turning clockwise. All you left-brain dominant folks will tend to see her turning counter-clockwise. Ain't that a kick in the head? When I first saw the picture I thought it was a hoax, and that there was no way it could be seen to turn different ways, but then I tried for a while to get it to turn the other way and IT DID. (Try looking at it peripherally for a while until it seems to have turned and then check it for yourself.) I dunno if the brain-dominance thing has anything to do with it, but it's still fucking cool.

Obama: Interesting; Huckabee: GAAAAAAAH

So, Obama pulled off Iowa. Good for him, I say. It will be veeeeeeeerrrrry interesting to see how this whole thing shapes up. I'm particularly interested to see how the Clinton camp spins this. I'm not sure what to make of the fact that Democratic Iowans went for the least conventional of the top three candidates, while Republican Iowans chose the MOST SCARY candidate out there. Except that Republicans are teh dumb, and that ain't exactly a newsflash in these parts.

On a lighter note, here's how to (apparently) make me!

The Recipe For a Snarky Squab

3 parts Fun 2 parts Talent 1 part Brilliance Splash of Sass Sip slowly on the beach

What's the Recipe for Your Personality?

Privilege Meme

The bolded bits apply to me. (Stolen from Wyliekat)

1. Father went to college
2. Father finished college (and then some - he's a PhD)
3. Mother went to college
4. Mother finished college (and then some - she's a PhD)
5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor (sister is an attorney, parents and some grandparents are professors)
6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers
7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home
8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home (thousands, probably)
9. Were read children's books by a parent
10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18
11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18 (gymnastics, piano, viola, voice)
12. The people in the media who dress and talk like you are portrayed positively (In the sense of being white and upper-middle class, yes. In the sense of being female, less so.)
13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18
14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs (I went to the college where my father taught, so my tuition was covered.)
15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs
16. Went to a private high school
17. Went to summer camp
18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18 (for specific subjects)
19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels
20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18 (au contraire - I think my mom made every stitch of my clothing until I was about five, and then it was all about thrift stores and hand-me-downs)
21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them
22. There was original art in your house when you were a child
23. You and your family lived in a single family house
24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home (I assume this means own outright, not just living in and paying a mortgage)
25. You had your own room as a child
26. You had a phone in your room before you turned 18
27. Participated in an SAT/ACT prep course
28. Had your own TV in your room in High School
29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in High School or College
30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16
31. Went on a cruise with your family
32. Went on more than one cruise with your family
33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up
34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family

The list is based on "What Privileges do You Have?" an exercise developed by Will Barratt, Meagan Cahill, Angie Carlen, Minnette Huck, Drew Lurker, Stacy Ploskonka at Illinois State University. The exercise developers ask that if you participate in this blog game, you acknowledge their copyright.

I always knew I was privileged, but looking at this list, boy HOWDY was I privileged - even though my family was pretty cash-poor (like, public assistance poor) for most of my childhood. It's interesting to think what this list will look like for the Hatchling. I imagine she'll bold the same ones I have plus some - though certain entries on this list, such as the TV in her room and the credit card in her name, will only happen over my dead body. Feel free to post your own privileges in the comments.

Resolute

It's that time of year again. Time to watch post-stroke Dick Clark mumble his way through the "Rockin'" New Year's Eve, start thinking about taking down the decorations, stop counting cookies as one of the major food groups and generally get one's house in order for the new year. And resolutions. Time for resolutions. Actually, I think last year I resolved to give up making new year's resolutions, but screw it. I'm a creature of habit, and now is as good a time as any to set some goals for self- improvement. Here are mine:

1. Get healthier. Please to note: this is NOT code for "lose weight." One of the ways in which I want to be healthier is in my mental attitude about my physical shape. So I'ma try to stop crucifying myself on a daily basis for not being a size 6, one. It's a drag, and I'm running out of wooden crosses. Two, I need to find a way to be physically active on a regular basis. More, I need to find a way to do this joyfully, so I'll be able to KEEP doing it. This is a real toughie for me, especially in winter, because I HATE being cold, y'all. HATE IT. So all those picturesque winter sports like skiing and ice-skating and such are RIGHT. OUT. I'm going to start up with T-Tapp and see how that goes, and come the thaw (in, like, May) try to be better about getting out and about with the Hatchling on a daily basis.

2. Get greener. Like the frog said, it ain't easy, but I've been meaning for a while to give up disposable grocery bags, and this year I'm gonna do it, by gum. When I lived in CA I was really good about keeping canvas bags in my car to use for shopping purposes, but I slipped back into bad habits when I moved home to the Midwest. However, I've collected a nice assortment of non-disposable bags that I'm going to start keeping on the porch so they're right there when I leave the house. It's what Al Gore would want!

3. Give back to the community. Just before Christmas, I joined the Parents Advisory Council for Minneapolis Early Childhood Family Education. It's a volunteer group that does fundraising for ECFE and builds awareness of the program and its benefits through community events. I figure since I'm benefitting from ECFE (and also since I think it's like the best thing since sliced bread) I oughta do my part, you know? I'm incredibly lazy about volunteering er, extremely protective of my time - but it will be good for me to do this, both from a community service perspective and from a get-mommy-the-hell-out-of-the-house perspective.

That's it. Just three. Don't wanna take on more than I can reasonably be expected to achieve. What are your new year's resolutions?

You're damn right, it does

This squab hath a pleasant seat.

Which work of Shakespeare was the original quote from?

Get your own quotes:

via Brazen Hussy

Bookish meme

I done been tagged.

Total Number of Books?
Ehm ... a bagajillion? I honestly have no idea how many books I own. Doing an extremely rough estimate by linear feet of shelves, I have over 1,100 out in the house, plus probably another 800 or so in boxes in the basement or at my dad's house ... so let's say around 2,000. It's a nice round number. I've only managed to categorize a fraction of them into my LibraryThing account (are you on LT? Friend me!), but someday I'd like to have them all in there.

Last Book Read?
His Dark Materials trilogy, by Philip Pullman. I figured I'd better reread them in time for the movie, though with the reviews that's been getting I might not bother.

Last Book Bought?
Lessee ... probably the last book I bought was First Among Sequels by Jasper Fforde. Oh, no - that's the second-to-last. The LAST one I bought was the Penguin edition of Jane Eyre, because all I had was a hardcover copy of the complete works and that's a pain in the ass to read.

Five Meaningful Books?
Jesus. Meaningful to whom? Meaningful how? I think I'm going to take a "desert island" approach to this one. Also I'm going to cheat:

Complete Works of William Shakespeare. It's, like, the alpha and omega, man. You want "meaningful," it's all in here.

The Complete Works of Jane Austen. If pressed, I could be convinced to limit this entry to Pride and Prejudice, which is my favorite. But it's my damn list, so I'm gonna cheat how I wanna.

The Peter Wimsey mystery novels, by Dorothy L. Sayers. THE BEST murder mysteries ever written. You will never convince me otherwise. There are other good writers out there, sure, but in this genre Sayers is the queen.

Plato's Republic. Enough to think about in this one to last you several lifetimes. That Socrates was one freakishly smart cookie.

The Oxford English Dictionary. Unabridged, of course. I realize this choice might look like my idea of a pun on "meaningful," but while I'm certainly capable of that sort of joke, this would be on the list regardless. There is a bunch of fascinating shit in that book, know what I'm saying? Plus if you get the compact version it comes with this little drawer and a magnifying glass. That is teh coolest.

Tag 5 Others
Ali at a drop in the ocean
Questionable
Sarah at the caffeinated priest
Eric with a "C"
Katie at Not Done Yet

What I'm thinking about RIGHT NOW

Man, that post title sounds way more meaningful than this post is actually going to be.

1. Taking on this sweater as my winter knitting project. I'm the world's laziest knitter, so this might be a stretch, but it's sooooo cute.

2. This post from Jordan, because as the Hatchling grows ever more firmly into toddlerhood, I find that I have to remind myself constantly not to give in to her whining/tantrums just because it would be easier/faster/quieter/more peaceful to do so.

3. Christmas shopping. Because god DAMN, that is coming up quickly, plus like 1/2 my family members have birthdays around this time of year. Question for the ages: why is it that you're always shortest of funds right when it's time to do your largest set of giftie purchases? Or is that just me?

4. How Nickelodeon is teh stoopid. Because there's this great show on Noggin right now, The Upside Down Show, created by two Aussie comedians, one of the few kids' shows that doesn't make you want to stab your eyes out while watching it, and plus it's the Hatchling's favorite show besides Sesame Street. And Nickelodeon ISN'T RENEWING IT. It's (rightly) won awards and been critically lauded and all that stuff and they won't cough up what I'm guessing are the fairly minimal bucks to make another season. Sucks.

5. I'm hungry. Time to go eat lunch. What are you thinking about RIGHT NOW?

I'll take that as a compliment ...

Are you Well Envoweled? We checked 1,000,000 names and 38.4% had more vowels than 'Elise Robinson'. That means you are well envoweled. Check your envowelment, find your Power Animal, and see your name in binary at isthisyour.name

(via Christopher)

Awesome

Love this. LOVE IT.

Parent Hex: Survival Spells for Parents and Other Caregivers.

• Cocodissimulatio Charm: Causes any food to taste like chocolate.
• Mucosus Recessum Charm: Causes nasal excretions to withdraw into a person’s nose.
• Ursinvenio Charm: When applied to a teddy bear or other stuffed animal, causes it to emit a loud growling sound when lost.
• Expecto Progenitum Spell: An elaboration of the Accio Summoning Charm, this spell causes one’s child to appear. Unclear at what distance this works or if it can operate using the Floo network or Portkeys.
• Fabulam Repetopeto Charm: Causes a book to read itself out loud over and over. Skillful wizards can make it inaudible to themselves.
• Vestitus Prudens Spell: Makes the victim appear to be wearing long pants and a sweater, although the person is unaware of the change.
• Immotus Spell: A lesser version of Petrificus Totalus, this stops victims from fidgeting, though they can still move slowly.
• Altitudo Monitio Charm: Causes flashing lights and a loud hooting sound to occur whenever the victim is near a dropoff like a staircase or cliff.
• Odoratum Desisto Charm: Removes the smell from an object.
• Dormitus Spell: Makes the victim fall asleep. An advanced spell, mastered by only a few.

Now if I could just find my wand ...