Staying hopeful

We all know things aren't going great in this country. I don't know anyone who hasn't been effected by the economic downturn, my fiance and myself included. I work in a restaurant, and August is never a good month in the best of times. So I haven't been working as much and I definitely haven't been making as much money as I was in the spring. My fiance started a new job a few months ago and recently got promoted to full time with benefits. But he took a pay cut taking this job, which is worth it because he isn't traveling 5-6 days a week anymore. Between the wedding, our bills, credit card and school loan debt, things are tight. And we are both stressed over money.

Then I see the headlines. More layoffs this week. The debt deal crisis. Mounting unemployment with no signs of a recovery in sight. We tell each other "Hey, at least it isn't just us." And you'd think that would make us feel better. Everyone is in the same boat. At least we have jobs when so many don't. At least we can pay our rent. But it doesn't make me feel better to know that others are struggling, many of them more than we are. It makes me feel worse.

My fiance and I are children of the 90's. My parents started out pretty poor in the beginning of their marriage as did his parents, but by the time we were toddlers things were looking up. My parents upgraded from their starter house to their custom built dream home when I was 8. Money was never an issue. There was never any doubt my brother and I would get cars when were 16. We were always told we'd never have to worry about paying for college. We got nice presents at Christmas and birthdays. We went on vacations every year. Never once did I hear my parents say "We can't afford that". The biggest news in Washington was Bill Clinton's sexual escapades.

Growing up in such a time of prosperity and relative peace spoiled me. I was always under the impression that if I did everything right: get good grades, go to college, graduate, my life would be a piece of cake. I'd graduate and get a good paying albeit entry-level job. I'd work my way up and eventually (in my mid to late 20's) I'd open my own restaurant with an investment from my Dad. He'd pay for my wedding and my in-laws the down payment for my new house.

So imagine my surprise when I did everything right....and nothing happened. I couldn't understand it. I still don't. College = good job. That's what I'd been taught. That is not my reality. I'm 24. I should be farther along. I shouldn't be hoarding spare change to pay for my wedding cake.

My fiance takes it even harder than I do. He feels that pressure to be the traditional bread-winner male that our fathers were. If things don't get better, how will we buy a house? How will we raise a family? What will life be like in this country for our children? I pray that things will turn around and that it will be like it was for our parents. Maybe this is all one big cycle. Things have to be tough so that they can get better.

Help! I'm becoming a cat lady!

Not really. But that is the name of the show I've just discovered and instantly decided to make my favorite. All in the name of research. When my fiance timidly hinted that he might want to change the channel I replied "I can't! This is good for my book!"

Why? The show is about a dating coach who helps women who are on the verge of becoming crazy cat ladies whose only human interaction is when they go to PETCO. She gets into the psychology of why they prefer cats, teaches them how to interact/meet men, makes them over, sets them up on dates, etc. And it just so happens that my MC is a dating coach/match maker (minus the only dealing with cat ladies part). This show just gave me a whole bunch of ideas of things I need to include in my book.

I love that about writing. Finding inspiration/ideas or things that relate to your writing at random times and in random places, like Animal Planet.

The Unfairness of Weddings

As my wedding approaches (94 days in case you are wondering) I find myself turning into a ball of tension and frayed nerves. My neck muscles have seized up to being rock hard as only happens when I am extremely stressed. I can't sleep, and when I do I have nightmares of every possible thing going wrong on my wedding day.

Let me just say, I wasn't always like this. I started out in complete control of my wedding. Within 3 months of being engaged, I had my dress, my venue, my photographer, my DJ, my bagpiper. I laughed at the women on TV who were freaking out over their weddings. This was so easy! Who needed a wedding planner? Why had I ever thought planning a wedding was difficult?

Things were going smoothly up until about a month ago. The invitations were a nightmare, literally. There was a mistake and they had to be reprinted. The RSVP cards were missing. More printing issues. Finally thought I had them altogether, only to realize as I assembled I only had enough vellum cover sheets for half. Another run-around trying to get the rest.

Then I had to reschedule my hair trial 3 times. Then the expensive personalized memorial candle holder I ordered broke. My in-laws spent days agonizing over the perfect place for the rehearsal dinner and by the way, we can only invite 30 people. Wedding bands are ridiculously expensive. Bridesmaid is MIA. Wedding shower hasn't been planned. Mom wants to hire a videographer. Should look into the marriage license, do they still do blood tests??

This is when it hit me. I'm getting married. This is it.

And now, I turn into a pathetic, cliched Bridezilla. I'm spending thousands of dollars on this one day that I'll never get to have again. It has to be perfect. The unfairness of weddings is the amount of pressure and expectation. It's not like a birthday. If you have a bad one, well, there's always next year. This is every person that you know watching you for an entire day. Judging every detail. These are the pictures and the video that you're going to look back on, going to show your kids, going to remember for the rest of your life.

In one of my nightmares, the ceremony did not go the way I wanted to and in the middle of it I demanded that we start over again. I got up and ran back down the aisle. I always thought the women who stressed over every little detail were ridiculous. It's about the marriage, about what the wedding represents, that's what's important! I thought. Who cares about favors and personalized beverage napkins?

Joke is on me. Because suddenly....I do.

Going Off Track

The hardest part of writing (well...one of them, anyway) for me is figuring out what to write next. When I start writing, I have a general idea of where I want the book to go. I have the characters, the plot, conflict, motivation, etc., but I don't have a scene by scene outline. I don't have specifics or little details. Usually, they come to me as I'm writing. But sometimes... I go off track.

Does this ever happen to anyone else? You're happily writing along, but you know in the back of your mind this isn't what you should be writing. It's not where the story should be going. In fact, it's not moving the story forward at all. Maybe you know where you need to be, but not quite how to get there. You have a scene in your head that is not quite ready to happen yet and you need a way to bridge to it. But you end up just getting lost. Sometimes you can find your way out and sometimes you have to hit the delete button.

Bribery: A writer's best motivation

I have found a new way of making myself write. I am easily distracted. I procrastinate. I just plain don't feel like writing even when I should and have nothing stopping me. Which has led me to a new plan of attack: bribery.

The other night, I had promised myself I would write. My fiance works from 7:00 at night til 4:30 in the morning. Meaning most nights I am sitting at home alone. The ideal time to write. But I didn't feel like it. I stalked people from high school on facebook. I looked at wedding stuff. I read. When it suddenly occurred to me I had a package of refrigerated cookie dough in the kitchen which I had bought under the guise of baking them and putting them in my fiances lunch that he takes to work (it's more like late night 2nd dinner, but whatever). But if I baked them now, I could eat one or two when they were gooey and warm. I debated for a while. Then I decided, if I wrote a certain number of pages, I would be completely deserving of a cookie.

So I wrote. And I glanced at the kitchen. I wrote some more. I checked the page number. I'd done it! Warm cookies were in my near future.

Last night, I bought chips and dip and Coke for girls movie night. If I write 5 pages after I post this blog, I'm giving myself free rein to indulge.

This tactic might not be so good for my wedding diet, but my writing has never been faster.

REVIEW: Sisterhood Everlasting by Ann Brashares

Having read the other books when they came out (I was 14? 15?) I couldn't resist reading the last book. I'm a sucker for a series. I love not having to let go of characters as soon as a book ends.

I have to admit, this book frustrated me. It bothered me. I wanted to stop reading. I wanted to throw it (neatly contained in my Kindle) against the wall. I don't want to include any spoilers, but this book was depressing. Flat-out, depressing. The girls (women, I should say because they are almost 30) experience an extreme tragedy and react to it in extreme ways. That was my first complaint. I think I have experienced more grief than the average person, and I still can't see anyone acting the way they did in the book. It came off as very unrealistic and out of character for me. The sisterhood hasn't played a significant role in any of their lives in years and they have all grown apart to the point where you might not even classify them as friends, yet when they finally realize the sisterhood has truly been destroyed they act like it was the only thing worthwhile in their lives.

I kept reading for two reasons: the writing itself was beautiful, and I knew that everything would be resolved in the end. Which of course, it was. I wanted it to be, I was waiting for it to happen, but every story line getting wrapped up in a neat little bow was off-putting. The audience for these books has grown up, I would've thought the story could grow up too. This book wasn't meant for teenagers who can't handle the fact that life is messy and things are unfair and not everyone gets a happy ending. But that's what it felt like at the end, that she just couldn't end the series without everyone being happy and content even though throughout the book they've all been miserable and whiny and depressed. I think she could've ended it on a happy but more realistic note.

In all honesty, I couldn't in my head connect the women in these books to the girls from the first few. It felt like I was reading about completely different people who just happened to have the same names. Maybe it's because it's been so long since I read the other books, but I also think that the author took all of their personality traits to the extreme in this book.

Overall, if you have read the rest of the series and want to know how it ends, I'd say read it. But have a giant hershey's bar and a box of kleenex in easy reach.

Why isn't it easier...

To forget people who have hurt you? To leave them in the past where they belong and not let them come back, creeping into a future they no longer have a part in? Even when they aren't the ones doing it. When it's you who brings them back, over and over again without them even knowing it?

To remember the people who left too soon? Why do the most important memories fade, slip away, faster and faster the harder you try to hold on to them?

To be honest? With yourself. With the people around you. Why do so many people lie, and lie, and lie?

To stop yourself from being morbid and depressing in blog posts?

To go to the grocery store and not buy chocolate?