February 13, 2014 @ 10:30 PM
Welcome to my blog... I had it since I was secondary 4. I don't know if you ever seen it before. I hope you don't. I will explain why later.
Recently, the air around home is really hard to breathe. And I finally understood why. Because of what you said to me today. What did you say?
I am just nothing but a constant let down to you.
Most people choose to remember their childhood by the kind of tree they climbed. The chickens they chased around in their bare feet. And the cheap attap house they lay in at night to rest their tired soul. But you chose to remember the gruel hardships you had at the farm. When you told me and all I saw are tears, fear and sadness. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry you have to go through that.
I know after that, you wanted the best for your daughters. So you worked really hard. You taught me the world class manners and how respect to others is so important. Even until today, most of my superiors who worked with me had praised me how good of a mother you are. To have brought up a daughter like me.
They just don't know the dark side...
I remember I was naughty. And I was being playful. Didn't want to obey and do my homework. The next thing I know? The book flew out of my face and onto the wall. You yelled and screamed. I was so scared I hid in a corner until Dad came home and told me it's alright. That is when I first knew you had anxiety issues.
I knew times were hard and you tried your best in everything. The money grew lesser and you get more stressed out. I still demanded yet for more and more. I'm sorry. I didn't understand why I had to wear jie's clothes for another year.
I know you loved me. All you wanted is for me to not end up like you.
But that isn't what I want to talk about...
Remember you said, Respect is what gets you around?
Yes and No...
Through the years of my teens, I have lost the real meaning... I forget to respect myself. Because you never did respected me as a human. I was only your child, your property, yours to claim, own and puppet.
Everything was fine. Until Dad left for Malaysia to work. For years. He just disappeared from our lives. Just like that. And you were so heartbroken and devastated.
I still don't understand why we can't let the rest of the family know. We had to lie Dad is home. Aunts asked and asked. Sister stopped listening to the phone, simply ignoring it. You too. And then? I was forced to answer every single calls. By you. I had to lie and lie. It upsets me a lot. I loved them. I tried to tell you about it. You ignored me... Too blinded by your own misery.
You had to start working long hours. Make ends meet.
Where's is Dad?
I thought he went to work?
Where's the money then?
Why are you scolding me everytime the bills come?
What did I do wrong?
Why am I being blamed when all I want is to go out with my friends and watch a movie?
Is it because $10 for a ticket is too much to ask for?
Then why is Sister always outside?
She barely comes home after school. I am always alone at home. Sweeping the floor, mopping it, laundry, ironing and homeworks. I still have that ugly scar from the first time I tried to iron, but it was too heavy and it fell onto my hand. I'm not upset I had to do the housework. Actually happy I can cook at such tender age. It score me a husband.
I just wanted to know why. Why sister could go out with her friends and she isn't being scolded. But I am. When I get lazy and ot study. I worked really hard in secondary school... I just wanted you to praise me... Not yell at me when nobody help you out with chores... I do... Don't ever forget... She never did...
That's is also by far the worst period in my entire life so far.
Remember sister ran away with JJ and created nothing but chaos? All she needed was your money. All I needed was your love.
You cried every night asking where is she. I sat by you, giving you comfort. You ignored me.
When you cried and choked on your sadness, I swallowed the heartbreak watching you punish yourself like that. It's not your fault, you taught her the best to your ability. She was just young and stupid.
I gave you hugs when I watched you shiver, you pushed me away.
I tried to tell you how much I love you and all I want is to see your smile. You yelled at me to go away...
Dad? He treated me as though I didn't matter. He yelled at me when she is not home. When you sent me to go down and wait for her to come home, I was locked out of the house by angry Dad. I had chemistry papers the next day... Did you know?
You stopped me from learning art. That is still my passion. And people praised me for it. All the handicraft I can make...
You wanted to puppet me like sister. Make me take accounting so I can be an accountant like you. Don't need to worry about a job. Thanks. But that is not what I wanted. See I defied your orders, took biology and ended up with all A for my O level science. Then I realised, whatever I do, if I want I can succeed.
I wanted you to see me as a success. But you only care about sister... You only keep thinking yourself as a failure mother because of "how your daughter turned out". Mum! I am your daughter too! Look at me!
You know when I snapped?
I was in poly year 2. I just wanted $50 to buy my ezlink concession. You yelled at me and told me all we want is money from you. When you already had none. Is it because sisters asked money from you too and you knew it was going to be spent on JJ? But you are missing out the point. I just spent $300 on my school supplies. Yes textbooks are expensive. So are notes and many more. I am spending it anyhow. It is for school. Why do you have to scold me like that? And you can't scold sister instead? It was worst than the first boy who dumped me. You didn't know this but asked my friends. I complaint about you guys in school. The closer ones, Sherilyn and Jeremy watched me cry secretly. It hurts. It still does.
Sis didn't stop her mayhem. There was no peace at home. I can't stay there for a second without being hurt by you 3 fighting. Doesn't mean I lock myself in the room I don't care what is happening outside.
That is why I started this blog. People who read it from the start to the end will hate it. That's why I deleted everything. I'm sorry Evelyn, Shimei, Sherilyn, Jinghui and Jeremy. And all those people I never knew who read it. Do you know why I have to apologise Mum? Because it is filled with my suicidal thoughts. Every time you guys yelled at each other or at me for no reason, I blog. It's horrible Mum. I really hope you never saw it.
By year 3 I couldn't take it. I had to get away. I knew I needed money. I knew if I can show you I have money I am independent. But you never forgave me for joining the army. We got into a huge fight remember? I succeeded Mum. I love my job now. I love it. I know it is what shaped me now. I might even stay on for life. I know you secretly smile at my military photos. I never heard you initiate it without me disturbing you.
You told me when I graduated from BMT.
"Xian, I am proud of you. I love to watch you wear that beret."
I was so happy I ran out of the house immediately to cry.
But then... back to reality. Back to how unfairly treated I was at home. I did so much.
I tried to bring money home to ease your problem. But it is never enough.
I tried to spend more time at home. Never appreciated. You chase me out. Tell me I only care about Jeremy. Isn't that why I spend Sunday at home with you? Or if we ca we will stay at home with you. Instead of running wild and free like other couples. He was the one who suggested it. When he have his own mother asking him to company her.
I guess I got tired. And I gave up all love I can get from you. I started being nasty.
I yelled at you whenever you tried to make me stay at home. I get mad when you told me you and Dad will be alone at home and you wish I can stay.
Why should I? Throughout secondary school, I sat alone. Ate cold dinner with 4 walls. You were at work. Sister was out with friends. I don't know if Dad was in Malaysia or Thailand. I was alone.
The whole family gathered and celebrated everything of hers. Her birthday, her PSLE, her O levels, everything. I got the "hey we have been through. Just a pat will be fine." WHY? I did way better than her. Why? Why is everything of mine simplified? You don't feel joy for me? I grew tired. I too used to being alone. I did the wrong thing. I stopped involving you in my life. I shut you out the door. Slowly, I drifted away from your and Dad. I should have broken the vicious cycle. Unconditionally loved you two. I just can't. I don't know why. I guess it must be because I was too young and I couldn't forgive.
Do you know I was so broken hearted, I spun out of control with my life. Things that will still haunt me in my dreams. I created illusions that I will feel numbness and pretended happiness in. I was fake. People shun me. I don't blame them. I can't erase it. You don't know how broken you made me feel. How useless and worthless I am according to you. You don't know how your behaviour and relationship with sister affected me. I tried to tell you. You asked me if I had gone crazy with all the homework stress instead.
You might not remember such tiny things to you. But I will carry it with me into my grave. Of course you won't remember. You said that when you are mad. You don't give any crap about what comes out of your mouth just as long as you are not the one at fault. Believe me I know. It's something you don't know you are doing. Why? Read on. The later later later part.
I was so sad. I was so broken hearted. I gave up on myself.
Whatever I do, you will never feel proud.
But I have Jeremy. He pieced me back piece by piece. He showed me the love and concern I truly need. Not the pretended world I sought comfort in. He taught me so many things. He even wanted me to just forgive you and let go of everything. But I can't. Because you don't know what you did wrong. You don't know how you caused hurt to me and people I love around me.
You know it. Everybody can see it with their own eyes. How much I love him and how much he loves me.
We want to move on. Get married and be happy like how every couple we know are now. But we can't.
Because of you.
I don't know what he did. I asked and asked you. He explained and explained. We tried. We tried our best to get it out from you. For no reason you started to hate him.
Is it because of Thailand? We really didn't plan for the riot. He tried his best to explain how he will take care of me and protect me there. You wouldn't listen. But we can only go there that time. We pre planned everything and suddenly riot. You think civil servants can do whatever we like? We are duty bound. We only wanted you to understand. But you won't listen. You pretended to me everything was fine, but you treated him like a criminal.
This put so much pressure on Jeremy. I know. Because only I was the one who watched him suffer. Watch him desperately think of what to do. To get a huge sum of money. To impress you. To assure you. That he is able to take care of me. And wants Dad to feel proud that his daughter is marrying somebody good. Not to let you guys be impressed by him. But by what he can provide for me. Do you know it sucks and hurts to see him suffer like this everyday? And everybody thought we are the happy-go-lucky couple. No.
It's ridiculous mum. We can't measure love via money. Do you know how much I have tried to run away with him like what sister did? But he said no. He can't bear the thought of breaking your heart. Why must you hate a man like this? You know he has a mother to take care of too?
He is by far the most patient and loving man I have ever seen on Earth. Cause of one more thing.
I accidentally learnt things from you. Anxiety disorder spreads mum.
Why sis doesn't have it. Why Dad don't get affected. Because you yelled at me the most. You dote sis too much, she is spoilt.
Now remember what I meant by I know?
Unknowingly I unleash anger on Jeremy. Things he never even do, I yell, scream and hurt him. My extreme mood swings only affects him. He have been through hell I tell you Mum. The same hell you taught and brought me through. Yet he is still by my side. Because we both know what happened. And he is trying so hard to cure me.
I'm so sorry baby. I'm really really really sorry... Forgive me.
He still believes it can be cured Mum. I think... it won't. Because I won't let go. Why? After so much love I have been trying to show you, only to end up hearing you say I am a let down? Why? Am I really not that good enough for you?
Even as I provide for myself, not leeching onto you. So you can lessen a burden. You still don't see it. You still won't wake up from your own idea that the real victim is somebody else?
No. I am going to let go of the past now Mum.
Because I love Jeremy too much to make him suffer like me. I wish some day you will read this. And truly understand. The truth behind the daughter who let you down.
And some day, I still hope you will let me walk down the aisle with him. With your blessing.