new year's eve

I didn’t believe what happened last night. In the afternoon I was thinking that I ought to have some plans before the new year approaches, but only in the evening that I began to send sms-es to my friends for them. They sounded desperate, to be honest and thankfully my friends replied rather politely, or I hoped. Then zijun replied with something like, “shan has church service…” and asked if I wanted to join. When I read that he gave me the impression that he was going to be there too, and that I wouldn’t be alone if I were there. Without second thought I asked shan if I could join, only to find that things wasn’t as expected. So when she offered to send me to her church for service from her mum’s ride, I was filled with thanks in my head. I made it there to her house in the end, after a vague remembrance of how her house was like from those baking memories more than a year ago. I went to the wrong block eventually and when I finally saw her, her Egyptian hairstyle gave me a shock of my life. It was still fine then until I went up to her house through the lift. When we went in, I pressed 2. She seemed surprised that I could recall her storey and asked while I reasoned that very few people had floors that allowed guests to walk. I went into her house and things didn’t seem right then; she had much more guests and I looked like I was the black sheep. Within seconds I realised I was sweating. “You’re perspiring,” she said, triggering my thought about the difference between those two words. Her mum then asked me about my hong kong trip and I think I was very much nervous to be speaking with my weird voice from choking by chlorinated water. Still, her mum and her aunt was quite friendly gave me the freedom to let myself be alone at times. Then there was her sister – younger one – Sheila. Shan calls her lala. She gave the smile that looks a little like Minnie mouse and it was rather amusing. She looked like she was going to say something all the time with her expression, but in the end nothing was said. Another thing, I think I’m really a bother to Sheila, because whenever we were going to sit in the back row of the jeep, I never took the initiative to move round the car. Instead, lala gave the semi-annoyed look, still with some smile, as she skipped to the other side. Meanwhile, shan and I stood motionless; twice. In the car I was still expecting to see the rest at the church, and although I decided not to start asking and show my fear of being alone with her family, I kept my hopes high. Shan, being a welcoming hostess, introduced me to the different people she knew in church, secretly, as we were walking towards the place to be. We ended up at some auditorium. The pastors said some interesting things, but of all, I learnt something; do not take the easy way out. He tried to lead us to believing that having the presence of someone beside you is a burden, as what many of us think often, for 15 minutes, only to crush all our shallow mindsets that walking with what you believe, or faith as what he used, rather than sight. I thought that it was quite true since there is no easy way out in life. If there is a choice, we should all be aware of the pitfalls of going easy. Another funny thing about the pastor was that when he was excited he tended to tiptoe and point with conviction. Then because of his a little plump look, everything looked interesting. Another pastor said at the beginning of his speech when he gave an announcement to welcome all newcomers to the church. People like me had to wave with our pamphlet and it was kind of embarrassing when all eyes seemed to be on me. Or at least, the four on my left, shan’s family, were. Later when the midnight mark struck, everyone gave our well wishes around, the guy two seats on my right also said, “Welcome to the church.” Unknowingly I said thank you with a smile, but I would have preferred to have stayed low profile. Anyway, I thought that it was nice to welcome newcomers. There was something I almost forgot. Because I didn’t take the pamphlet beforehand, I had none. Then right before the service started, there was an usher who wanted to distribute more to those who didn’t have. Shan’s mum took one and passed it to lala. It stayed there with her and so, I had to share with shan. I was fine with that, but I thought there was something fishy about that. Despite that, I began scolding myself for being ungrateful when I was brought to cleanse my soul inside. With two people sharing that pamphlet, it said that the service was a ‘watchnight service’ with a background for it. The funny thing about sharing it was that one was ignorant to what was happening, the other had no spectacles and was blind; semi-blind. So in a way it was quite amusing for me to see someone beside me trying to smell the words imprinted while I stayed as still as possible to avoid attention. The service was quite enlightening, as a summary.

passion within a wrapped box

this has been her msn message for quite some time now, and i'm trying to decifer what's right (although i tend to type the 'wrong' word first) about her phrase. maybe, she has some inner feelings but she just can't let it out for whatever reasons? or she tried letting that feeling out but no one could hear her? perhaps she let it out to someone but that person just don't believe her? could it be she has a craving for something but just don't know how to start? how about she's 'boxed' up by a boring life that made her lose all of her attention for anything around? oh no!! i'm confused by myself! anyway, some other day!! (:

Team

“I think that team is when different people of different talents come together, do what they’re best at, doing their jobs well and pulling off a good show altogether…” ~Darren the lights guy

Hey, I was contemplating whether I should post this on somewhere else before I realised that my respect (on the outside) should remain as it is, so yep, this is it.

I was looking at the video that played yesterday during the concert and saw how tight those dancers were in those pictures. Well, seeing people posing for the cameras might not necessarily mean that they are really close, but the time they were rehearsing was ticking and anyone could tell that wanted to put up a good show at the end of it, which was why the invisible link between them was rather obvious.

So here’s the thing, was there any instance where drama had full strength for rehearsal? I mean, they don’t have to be forced to watch the rest do their work, but tried to help out in doing more? Ok, fine, maybe I couldn’t count well. What about the performers had the will to put in full efforts for each show? To be honest, I deserve nothing just for this alone. Then I influenced some others to take breaks with me. Alright, perhaps the situation wasn’t that bad. So did I remember correctly that there were some who turned up at rehearsals, but gave such bad signals to the rest by doing the wrong things at the wrong time? I meant, lying at one corner and doing what they liked, as in, reading books or studying? Everyone wants to revise for exams, but don’t send the wrong messages!

Some may think that the natures of the two shows are different – one must do with sets, the other can do without it – and maybe that’s why one has only a handful ready and alert for tasks while in the other only a handful were on their toes and ready for Showtime. Even though something’s for sure, the point is to get audience’s attention. Then why is there such a huge contrast?! Alright, there’s something called the backstage crew, and it’s quite obvious they tend to feel neglected. Then after some time they’d stay in their cosy corners and hibernate. On the other side, everyone had a role to jump around on stage. Well, at least people are kept alive during the show.

Ok, there’s one problem when the crew has nothing to do; they gossip, b**** and kill their hours defaming others which is useless when nothing’s going to be done about it.

The teachers in context were also the diff. They had low profiles compared to some who act like extras, do the unnecessary and most impactful of all, call himself a loser and hoped everyone else to join them. Yes, and mr gross is the one. How pathetic.

I realised I lost my momentum now and my brain juice just leaked out. So, bye!!(:

Team? I don’t feel like I’m part of the team. It’s only an illusion and I dreamt of being part of dance after yesterday. Haha.

You're not in the best state of mind to involve yourself in anything that involves sharing -- though it's not like you've turned into a Scrooge overnight! It's just that nothing seems quite fair to you, for now. June 01, 2008
that's the horoscope of the day. haha

sigh

hey.

it's maundy thursday today. but to me it doesn't really concern me too much about this day, because i know nothing regarding this. i've always the wish to understand what goes on during celebrations, but with the fear that i might disturb others or probably waste their time spent with God, i avoided asking too many questions which might hinder their faith. so in the end i allowed some things pass, just like that. till now i don't know what's a sacrement... alright, that was a few minutes ago.

anyway, my mind has been closed to dead. holidays drained me a lot, poor results made me feel sick, the love or hate question, etc. there're just so many things that are cramped in my head. but the love or hate question stayed there for the most number of days despite this not being the most distractive. haiz. i wanted to get close to her, but she seems to be backing out a little on any occasion. then i was thinking i'm not even well enough to care about myself, let alone taking care of her? but if she doesn't want at all, why not tell me straight to me? or another case is that she doesn't know i'm doing this!

anw, yawns meant i need to doze off now. wish christians and catholics a meaningful reflection over these days. (:

Really?

I'm clueless about what I'm doing.

For the exam days i've kept myself away from any distraction, or tried at least by not thinking anything else. In fact, I was trying to dump the notion or the image of her by studying. It was rather useful that I had knowledge instilled in my mind. I even thought of eyecandying new pretty faces when I didn't see her these days. Especially when one sat in front of me in the bus yesterday... Yet when she walked past me before and after the paper I somehow don't know why I was left stoning there. I thought I knew what I needed to do, just a greeting will do. But seeing the rest there rooted me to the spot I was standing on. It would have been fine if I didn't know the rest, but anyone popping up just to say hi to many people gives the creeps! Alright, I guess it's either the time's not right yet or this was never meant to be. Who knows!

the start

passing thru the night towards the cny morn wif her kept me awake

Put Out

Hey.

I've been thinking how I'll feel if ever I find that I lose my aim in school. Everyday I try to be near her for any possible way, but the chance to be close never comes.

Just as I wanted to start something with a tiny winy chat. But for some reason I felt tired and wanted to sleep which prompted me to cut this convo. btw, i sent the first sms cos i wanted to keep myself a little awake when it was so tired after the entire day of work n work. also, tiffanie was beside me on the bus but she was close to dozing... but i'm pretty sure that she saw the first two words. I was so eager to receive the msg that i couldn't think of anything else, until she replied at 2218. then the 'ever ever after' ringtone just jolted me instantly. yep, i have no idea why my first msg sounded so hyper n illogical that gave her the 'huh' reply. maybe it's how passion can spur one from a spirit of tiredness to a moment of excitedness. Either way it was rather formal, which lasted for quite a short while; the last sms was at eight minutes later!

anyway, gp practice had the theme 'hope'. just reminded me of the post i read on hers some time ago. i'm very sure that i would never understood this passage if i wasn't exposed to such simple explanation. i could just recall how enthusiastic i was when reading paragraphs with such small fonts!

yk's heartbroken, prolly this has made me feel weak too, for i have no idea if she's attached. by then, i'll be heartbroken. ai... no idea what to do.

-still attempting to get to her...