actually i wanted to post all the messages up and return his words back to him, but then i decided not to. i decided that nahz, it would be too childish and that it would just be me but not in my most sanest of moods. then i deleted all the messages. it was quite hard though, honestly. but well, nobody really cared anyway, so off it went. then it just kinda struck me and made me realise with so much disgust that i don't even want to believe it. that i don't even want to acknowledge, but i have to. nobody asked for justification so don't.

and well, i called alvin t today. he's with his girlfriend. ahh, its kinda nice but i am soo jealous. i do miss him so much. am i insane? he asked me to go to his commissioning parade. but i have this overwhelming feeling that his well girlfriend might be going. argh.

and i haven't slept for the past 2 weeks. i am so so so tired now. i don't even know why i am still here typingg this. oh yar i am waiting for supper. think i am too tired to wait liao. good nite guys have a great year ahead.

i have only 2 wishes, one of which is world peace, and the other is to make myself happy like i am now, no worries and at peace with myself!

wow. i just found out the most interesting from one my friend just now. i won't say too much. one full circle. my god, i am not feeling in the bestest of moods. now. hahaha, look again, in the end, i'm still the fool. **** you to all of you out there. can't anyone of you just be serious. if i am cute and you really wanna play with my feelings, you are all welcome. use and throw. this is soo disgusting. its getting so repetative even i am sick of it. i'm up for sale, is there anyone willing to take me? fuck i am incoherent again. argh.......

and yes i am here finally! its been quite awhile. just really busy with my project work and all. i don't even have time to breathe (ok maybe that was a bit over doing it) but really i haven't slept much for the past 3 days. i retire to bed at past midnight, and the next day i wake up at quarter past 5 for a new day. sickening. i need to rest. sigh sigh sigh...

but well, i am so impressed by my ibook. its sooo cute! and there's so many things mac can do. its really impresseive, i'm a total convert. and yes i am typing this now on my ibook. hahah. i am going to revamp this page soon, so keep an eye out for it. by next weekend or the weekend after, it should be done. hrmm alanna should i do avril? ahaha, nahz think i would try something different.

my end of course function is coming up and it is going to be so boring. sigh i am trying my best to organise something fun. but i can't overwrite my ic. its not just me, all of us (yes its only me usually but this time its different) i'm going with my 1st 3 month jc classmate, quite close to me and she's hot and attached (haha thank god its me right?)

till now i still don't know why i miss him so much. i was just standing at the the mrt station yesterday, waiting for colin to appear, then my discman was playing breathe by michelle branch. this strong sense of longing just surge past me. it was really overwhelming. you know when i found out that he was attached again (back with his ex girlfriend - yes GIRL) i was shattered. sigh sigh sigh. am i whining too much?

oh sigh oh sigh oh sigh. people, make a guess where i am now? nope i am not at home. nope i am not at my friends place, and nope i am most definitely not at any cybercafe. i'm stuck in camp. yes in camp on a xmas day. how sad right? long story. lets just say that my friend kena extra duties and i'm covering for him. i've been here since 7 in the morning. sigh. the only good thing, i'm booking out on saturday. and there's nothing on tomorrow.

this christmas was also quite a contemplative one for me. thoughts about life, relationships and friendships are stuck in my head. after a short 3 years, i realised that i have grown alot and how i view such notions have matured. really thankful to alanna, mark, darrell, rudy, colin for always always being there. through all my ups and my downs. we may have our quarrels but we always do clear up the air and emerge closer than ever. lunz for sharing a good part of my j2 life with on weekends esp, thanks - i only realised how impt weekends are when i enlisted. huiyi, who is always so concerned and msges me to check on me whenever she notices something might be wrong, and having our food binging sessions ever so often.alvin t, yes that guy, i miss him. fallapart, thx for everything. terry, mel, jason, clay, thx for loving me. and finally my family, nobody in this world loves me more than my family and i love them ever so much, for taking care of me for the past 19 years. and to all those whom i missed out well, i am not that free in camp! but still thanks everybody. for loving me for who i am, regardless of well, which side on the fence i sit on or how blonde i can be. heheh

its just like killing a quail. you say nice things to it, you stroke it really gently cooing it to sleep, trying to relax it. and then you have to it. you just had to kill it, by ripping off the head. and the blood, the warm blood, the red blood, that thick and carnal scent slowly slowly drips down. after you remove the feather, you ripped the breast bone up to remove the innards. and that heart is still beating. beating for all it was worth, as if it was its last attempt to get back to live, what last attempt? isn't it dead? and you placed your hands in there, and that heart was beating, you crushed it. the heart died, the heart stopped beating.

and in all fantastic fashion, you left that helpless thing to die. and the heart's frozen. the heart's gone. and it doesn't even know why, or what happened. and isn't it always the case. nice words are bull shit. nobody meant it in the first place. when you make a promise, you always meant to break it. there's not a single person out there who would live up to his words. so why listen? why do you accept someone else's promise. why are you so dumb. don't you ever learn. from so many times. they will paint you such a lovely picture. even before they can know you. they would say they can bring the moon for you. and you believed? don't you know that behind those words are evil intention my dearest quail. such evil intention, such deadly intention. your heart will be ripped and you will bleed to death.

and sitting there in that waterfall, basking in the waterfall, he walks over "i promise to take care of you, and never hurt you" and he strokes you gently.

run, run, run.

"go away, go away don't kill me" you kneel down to plead.

*crack* *phalt*

dead liveless heartless devoid

and i am finally back from overseas! the training was well tough. its bearable for most people but a few of my friends collapsed. one had a very bad cut. but overall it was an amazing experience. being thrown in the jungle for 5 days and told to survive with absolutely nothing at all is really quite tough. and this training really makes me appreciate the really simple things in life that we always take for granted. my blanket, food. and we also realised that a man's need is not sex but food. we were really starving. and to make things worse, we could only talk about food the whole day, not that we were suppose to meet up with one another to talk. haha. and in the night, it keeps raining, and it is so cold, we were all shivering like chicken on the chopping board.

speaking of which. i killed a quail. it was not the nicest thing i have done in my life and i most sincerely hope that i do not ever do such stuff again. it was really er gross. the blood kinda spilled onto my pants. argh. not too much details here, just that we had to remove the head in one smooth motion, so that the quail doesn't suffer. then i had to skin it and remove the innards. but the heart was still beating when i looked into the organs. eeeeeks. then there was a demostration on killing a rabbit. gross!!!!

but i'm back now, in civilisation, ever more appreciative of singapore and all the things we have here. having great food the whole day liaoz. and i'm going out with daddy soon! update more guys!

and this is the last post you would see from me for quite long while 10 days to be exact. i would be back on friday morning, so anybody wanna date me on friday evening? drop me a msg. you would know my number. for those who don't slowly find out. i can't really bring my phone to camp therre, but maybe being the perks of the ic of the wing, i should be able to.

went out for this function just now, and now i am at home waiting to go back to camp. don't think will be sleeping tonight. gottta brief the wing, do some final packing, make sure everything that needs to be flown over to brunei will be flown over. but it should be ok. the only thing i am worried about is the killing of the poor little quail. sigh sigh.

ohohoh, a friend of mine questioned whether i was really active and top. ok, for those who think there's too much detail, you can skip this portion. he was just commenting that the way i behave and the way i talk and the words i say are just so inherently passive. like how i like britney spears. and its not just him, there's this friend from camp who commented that i am teeny bopper or whatever he was trying to say. and the said friend asked "how isit even possible people think you are active from that conversation" - in response to a phone call from one of my straight friend. i mean i know i have become more passive ever since alvin came into my life, and i have never denied nor admit anything, but isit that bad? i mean not that i drag or anything. but not convincing as an active mehz? sigh sigh sigh. must change.

nothing left to say. just that i am kinda tired, yes as always, and i miss clubbing. and somehow i feel objectified again.

oh dear alanna. not its nothing like that. its not that i'm not telling siming. of course he's in it, like we could do with anybody else. just that i'm stuck in camp, and i don't have alot of free time, so i told you and i thought you would tell him. oops, miscommunications. siming not really doing much is the ns bit, police mahz, not doin much in police. ohno. i just re-read it and realised it could be taken in the wrong light. argh....'

on a heavier note, yesterday i had a very quiet dinner. too silent for my liking. something is wrong. and we are taking a breather. he needs to think things through. oh well, shrugs. don't want to talk too much about me. i'm fine, really.

and i am leaving for the jungle on wednesday. i'm looking forward to it actually. building a lovely shelter and fireplace and just chilling out. i think alot of it is the mentality. and knowing how smiley i always am, i hope it would be a fun filled time. i know its going to be tough, but who says tough can't be fun. oh yar my ippt. i missed my gold by a few seconds. gold timing is 9:44 and below, i ran 9:50 argh!!!!!!!!!!

i need a hug

haha, just realised alanna is indeed reading me blog. hey, how do you tolerate the britney spears pictures? should i do a new layout for ms avril lavigne. i promise to make it nice? hahahaha. next year, i would be done with army, as in i would have finish my course and i would be able to stay out, so not much problem on that. and also jeremiah is the only one in the army by then, siming is not really doing much. hahah, i would call you soon over the weekend or if i have time over the weekend. so how's everything?

so happy that i am actually able to use the net. i'm in the mess now, its not always that we have the chance to come to the mess to use the interne.t its really cool, all the pc that we have here. they are like really fast and really cvool, with all the flat screen monitor and all. actually, we are having this workshop at the mess also, so yar can get a chance to use.

going to brunei next wednesday for 10 days, can't bring the hp also, seems that the camp over there don't really like pple to bring hp over. going for a navigation ex tmr, then this weekend should be able to book out early. one more exams and things are done..

mark, why haven't you updated your website yet. how's things in cambridge??? and stop posting so much recipe (did i spell it correctly??) sorry you know i don't really cook much. the last time i cook, the scene was like out of world war 3. hahah.. busy busy busy. lotsa things to study, 2 exams this week and gotta prepare to go overseas next week. want to spend more time at home. and don, how could you say that about me? wah lou, expose me to everybody. ahahaha, shall reject your testimonial.... nahz i'm a nice guy. realise that my language is really going down the drain and that i can't really type very well now, too long never type anything liaoz. ok, i think i going upstairs to the mess and take a nap. take care guys, i would post again if i have time.

ciaoz

alright. lets see, today i went out to the army market to get stuff for my brunei and thinking that i had the belt, i didn't bother to get it and to my horror i don't have it. argh. but i've got a myself a new bag. it looks really nice and its damn cheap. like only 20. its amazing the amount of nice stuff one can get at the army market. think i would make it my regular haunt for some clothes and stuff. then the rest of the day was basically spent looking for my other project, which didn't amount to anything. i simply can't find it. so irritating.

lotsa things going through my head. also don't know how to put it down properly. don't have time to write it down too. but on the good side, i have learnt many new songs. and hopefully we get to perform at the end of the year. alanna there's a basking thing coming up and i've got lobang. interested? i really really wanna perform..... please..??

didn't see dear for the 1st time over the weekend. strange feeling.

its a busy busy weekend. i have to complete my project report, which took me the whole of yesterday and the whole of this morning. and after this i am going to the army market to get some stuff for my brunei trip. and then i have to shop for some stuff for my other project. and this is going to be the first weekend that i won't be seeing him. but its ok. i guess i have to get use to it.

lotsa things happened but there ain't much time for me to post up anything now. gotta rush outta here. think i'll post it later when i come back if i have time.

some words can't be taken back - anon

just added a new link, chad's link, he's finally come up with one. anyway, spent the whole day today at home, being a good boy. and arranging many things, like my end of course functions. asked for the quotations and all, and the uncle was really really nice to me lorz. he like gave me the discounted rates and all. like he always does. think i am going to get a zoom gfx5 to stand in for the time being for my guitar fx pedals. i want a new acoustic guitar and a new xbox games, not that i have alot of time to play though.

other than that not much to update. but talked to yaowei. its been a long long time since i last talked to him, and we had such a great great time chatting and chatting and bitching, you get the drift. hope alanna did well in her exams. and mark, hang in there, i would not be here to pick you up from the airport =( but i'll be sure to see you the first thing i land, well maybe not the first but definitely the first few, unless u are sweet enough to pick me up from the airport with all my goodies. hehehe.

alright going off liaoz. tatata. and wonder's if dear can read this. take care!

'love seeketh not itself to please,
nor for itself hath any care,
but for another gives its ease,
and builds a heaven in hell's despair'

so sang a little clod of clay,
trodden with the cattle's feet,
but a pebble of the brook
warbled out these metres meet:

'love seeketh only self to please,
to bind another to its delight,
joys in another loss of ease,
and builds a hell in heaven's despite'

- the clod and the pebble, william blake

no worries mark, i'll give you a seperate present, just because you were so sweet ok. and i am home again. awww finally. yes that's right. its hari raya. but lemme tell you this, we were the last wing to book out, because we were the only wing to indent dinner. for what right? might as well cut cost, and let me book out earlier and have dinner at home. but nevermind anytime spent at home is good time. i am so happy now. ahhh.

hrmm a hot pink tee-shirt from alanna, i hope i can carry it off, technically i can carry off any colour, seriously i can wear purple and still look good, now i must tone up my body more so that i don't look that gay wearing it. hrmmm, but seriously army is helping. haha. i realised that i am not the vainest guy, nor the gayest guy in camp (is that even possible?) i have friends who have more facial products and strange brands of body foam and shampoo that i've never heard off. and yes there are alot more gay than me. goodness

told my officer friend about myself, and i'm glad with the rxn, he didn't freak out on me. in fact he still treats me as a friend, although he doesn't really condone it. oh well, and i told him that i had a crush on him, ahaha. clay's in thailand now, hope he take cares of himself and not injure himself during training. going to watch america's hottest people (or whatever it is) finally can get to drool over guys, i can't keep staring at the mirror can i (muahahahah)

i wanted to say thanks, for wishing me a happy birthday, till i realised that you are getting a saddistic pleasure from watching things unfold. nevermind.

firstly, i wanna say a bigbigbig thank you to mark. he actually called me from cambridge on the night of my birthday. i was so touched, haha. thx mark, you are truly one of the bestest friend anyone could have (well maybe not since u are quite an acquired taste). a very tiring week. i was suppose to have 2 7km run this week but due to weather, one was cancelled. but nonetheless, there was still one 7km run and a 12km route march. it was rather tiring, and i have absolutely no idea how i survived the 24km route march and the 30km topo walk last time.

had a great time last night, met up with one of junior. haven't met her in ages, so met her up for a short while, then went off with my buddies for a japanese meal at this restaurant. then met up with dear. well, some incidents cropped up right before that, but this time, its kinda my fault. i've should have known better than to do that. i sorta told him that i don't feel like going over because i am really very tired, and i wanted to rest. i mean it was true, but i should have thought about how he was feeling and all before i said that. really, when alvin did that to me in the past, i was so furious, and he didn't even have the courtesy to tell me. he just not showed up. anyway he kinda surprised me with a cake to make up for last week. but not much time to be spent together, had to rush home to do my projects.

things are well turbulent for now. hope it settles down.

if you would just look at the date that i posted that. it was yesterday. i posted that when i came home from camp. not after we spend the time together. i posted it in response to your blog. are you telling me that you have the right to post things about me but i have no rights to? yes i am breaking down inside. yes i am hurt, no i am not trying to make you feel guilty. why must you always be so negative. please i beg you to stop it. its is very very very very very very very tiring. i have no time left, can you don't do this please. we had such a great time, why must you always be like that. can't you not think negative for once. i am telling you this is how i feel. i don't want to make you feel guilty much less typing that blog with sacarsm.

i dunno what to do anymore. can you please teach me and tell me what you want? i enjoyed myself. if you can't see that. nevermind. i am at a lost for words now and i am booking in soon. i have exams coming up and guard duty the night. i really dunno what is it that you are looking for now. enlighten me if you will. i am lost, so lost, so tired, so torn out. WHY?!@!!!!??!!!!!!!!!!

and yes the rest of my page would be quite empty. i will update it once i get back from brunei and when i have time to spare ok? promise good things will be up, though i am quite upset about the thoughts page, all my nice little philosophy is gone. sigh sigh.

watched wishing stairs yest nite with dear. well it was quite a nice show, the plot was good. but it was not as scary as hyped, i mean i am wooose, and i am not that scared, so it definitely wasn't that scary. and thx alanna for updating my birthday. well well not exactly my best birthday, but it was nice and warm cos i had dinner with my family (sounds strange?) well its been quite awhile since my family went out together to have dinner, so yest we went to this hawker centre near my place that is famed for the curry fish-head and seafood and had a great meal. and yes such simple thing makes me very happy (told ya i am a very easily satisfied guy).


then today i have to rush rush and do my course project and think of stuff for wits and all and there's so little time. i would be leaving for brunei soon and i have to complete at least 90% of 2 projects before i leave. and to top it up we have 4 exams. where got time to do all these? though i do have more admin time here, i have little effective time to spend on myself cos so many things to do. sigh... and also of all times for things to spoil, they have to spoil now, my headphones and my wallet. sigh sigh.

wanted to talk to dear about alot of things, but i didn't dare to speak and there was no time to speak, guess i'll have to talk to him next weekend, but it would be a busy next weekend, will be meeting up with many people to celebrate a belated birthday, hopefully still have some time for him and my family (yes i am a very homey guy if you have not noticed by now). anyone wants a date?

i don't really have much time to fix up my site. i have a test this coming wednesday and if i fail it, i would be confined over the weekend, so i think i would be booking in early on sunday to study for it. 15 chapters. crap that's quite alot.

mostly i choose to keep quiet, although i am a scorpio, i really do cherish peace more than anything else. how could i want to quarrel. its not even in me to keep up an argument, after a short while i would be fine, but i think there are a few things i really need and want to say after so many things happened.

i am in camp, a school of traning in fact and i cannot bring my hp everywhere i go and talk like no officers are around. i will get caught and when i get caught, i would have to serve extra weekend guard duty and/or defalters parade (or however you spell that) and since the course that i am attending now is quite heavy lecture and physical training based. i spend most of my time, in fact on most days its 8- 5 in a lecture theatre, i do not go back to bunk during lunch. i can post up a traning program if you want. and yesterday i went outfield, so after outfield, naturally we have time, cos my schedule was till until 3 but we came back at 11, so i had free time to plan for the challenge course today and have time to msg. and if i fell asleep within minutes of putting down the phone, doesn't it all mean that i am really really really very very tired. since i have been waking up at incredible time becauses of my neighbouring wing having turn-outs and we having quite a few physical training this week.

if you think that its all fake, i shall not bother to dispute it. because everything i say will have no effect. if u think that i talk too much about the army, sorry. its what i do for 6 days of the week, 24 hours of the day. i can't talk about any other stuff. and if you feel that words are what u need and not actions, i apologise, if you do not already know by now that i let my actions over the weekends show u how much i care, then i have nothing to say. this is what it is and what it is going to be like. i have no control and no say. u may not understand now, but when u enter army u will. alvin was in ocs and i had a prob with him, but he was a lot worse, he would not even call me. we talk for less than 2 min a night, if we do talk. we eventually quarrel cos i got too unreasonable, and he wouldn't make any effort to call me. i spend all my weekends with you when i can. i love my family but i spend less time with them for you. i call u every night and talk till after lights out (you know the consequence if i get caught) i msg you if i have the chance to, if you think this is not enough, if you can't stand me talking about what i am going to do or talk about army and i can't say mushy things because my buddy is around me sometimes, then i am so sorry, it is beyond me. this is the best of me, the best of what i can do. you can check with chad, and find out what type of bf i am. how much i would do if i can. but if you want more, i can only say this is what i can offer. i'm hurt, really really hurt by what you said. but as always, the hurt stays inside, hidden by a smile.

my friend asked me why am i always so cheerful, isit a conscious decision. yes. and now after reading your blog, let me tell you that the words hurt like a swords piercing through my heart. every single you said but later on claim you do not mean hurts, and leaves an impact. i've told you so many times not to say angry words because as much as you don't mean it, the other person will take it to heart. i've hardly say anythin mean, not never but hardly because i know. but i want you to know that you've said things that you take back no matter how much you mean because it leaves an imprint in my heart. i'm trying hard, very hard and i have nothing more to say. i wanted to go about how happy i am today because it is my birthday weekend and i can get to spend it with my family and you, but after reading your blog, i am very very hurt. i wanted to say how much i enjoyed today because of the challenge and how out team outdid ourselves and emerged the top team in my wing, although we were not physically the strongest, but i have to think about saying it because its the army.

ohmygod, go go go go visiting this site http://mirrored.flabber.nl/britney.lookalike/

how come he can look like that? and well i think he looks kinda cute.. errr oops. clay is giving me the looks

and i am back this weekend. some little thing happened, thing it was the blogger server had some little confusion with my blog and someone else's blog. anyway, yesterday was a rush rush day. rush rush to east coast early in the morning. rush rush to go home (its a long long way back from east coast) rush rush to eat brunch, then rush rush to bathe, and then rush rush to get out and meet nigel (i eventually came out to him, he's such a *** keep asking sigh... but he's real nice) then rush rush to meet clay, then rush rush to catch the matrix. you get the drift. anyway THE MATRIX IS DAMN COOL AND VERY OVERWHELMING. its really very powerful. i shall not dwell too much, but the concept of the whole show and the plot and all the action, the emotion is just overwhelming (yes i am a very emotional person).

today quite pack schedule, gotta research for my project, gotta go and grab some food stuff for a gathering. then he's still sleeping now. he's such a pig. anyway my birthday is coming soon. muahahaha, finally. for those who intend to get me a present for have no idea what to get me, here's my wishlist

1. avril lavignes - my world VCD/DVD - the one with try to shut me up tour (hint hint alanna)
2. 2003 booker prize winner (can't remember the book title)
3. MEST cd
4. for those who are really really rich and think that your money would be better spend on me than on anything else. a
ibook 15" G4. hahah.
5. t-shirts (i don't have enough actually)
6. board shorts (don't have enough of this too)
7. but most importantly its the thought that count, really

and yes because i am a person who can't remember anybody's birthday at all (for those who know me well) i don't mind if people remind me about thier birthday, so i'm also doing my part for people like me. hehe *cheeky grinz*

surprise surprise, i finally have access to the internet. there's actually this internet room and during my free time i can actually use it. amazing isn't it. WOW, but there are a few websites they won't allow like anything with x in it. they would naturally not allow in. so websites like diary-x also not allowed. hahah.

but i am having fun now. its quite a tiring place. losta work to do. not a lot of free time. but this is the airforce, so slightly better. losta things happening this week, will update you all once i get back home, but i'm safe and sound. just some back injury. but MO said it was nothing. actually quite worried about my dad, he might be losing his job soon, because there's some privatisation. i can't lose my job, gotta support the family now. and i can't get my laptop and things. gotta start saving

anyway i am getting very pissed waiting for the appointment holders. getting really irritated. so i'll update it again when i get back home! URGH. playing with friendster now also. its quite fun actually

ohmygod, my new layout is out. gushes gushes. she's so gorgeous. sorry the links don't work now. because they were all on the old server and the old server was kinda wiped out. so gimme awhile to load everything up. and i'll be loading the pictures page. so friends, if you guys have any pictures, please send to me ok, so i can upload it all up for the world to see.

backache. backache. my god its so terrible, i can't even bend forward to consume my meals or brush my teeth. in fact i can't even sit for very long time. don't ask what happened. but its terrible. really terrible. i need a massage, desperately, anybody?

i'm quite proud of myself actually. just finished my fieldcamp and my fast march, kinda back to back (pardon the pun), which sorta explains my terrible backache (ok, so i said don't ask) and i've always got a weak back (scelosis or however you spell it). i never thought myself to be fit. in fact i think very lowly of my physical and combat fitness but i'm very surprised at my abilities. the mind is really a very powerful tool. i remember my pc told us that we need to try our best in everything that we do, and put in my best i did. i was the 2nd fittest. i walked up and down the hills with not much problem, i was one of the fastest guys during fast march and i still had all the energy to encourage everybody telling them they cannot be weaker than me cos i'm an airforce pilot. and i'm so proud that we stuck it out as a platoon. i can't bear to leave my current wing actually.

then right before i booked out for the last time, my sir asked me to go forward and he gave me his best wishes, so touched. ahhhh...

met dear and had a great time together. gave him a cd case for our 1 month, cos his cd case really cannot make it liaoz. haha. it's really very nice to see him after one whole week of missing him. but you know me, i never type much about such anyway.

and can i just say i so love being so evil. i am not going to elaborate but you can read up on my starsign on the me section. hahaha i am not above manipulation and stuff. it just gives me great pleasure to take slow painful revenge. great pleasure. why? because i am scorpio and i do sting as much as i don't want to. or maybe just because you are too much. i feel so sadistic. dear doesn't want me to be evil, in fact everybody thinks i shouldn't be, but come on how often do i get to be evil other than screaming my head off at mrt commuters (i just did it yesterday in fact, yelled at the top of my voice and i got my way. asshole singaporeans - the inconsiderate ones)

sigh, i am going to book in soon. so sad. on such a nice weekend. i do wish there's a job on earth that doesn't require me to work. but such things don't really exist right? anyway i went to the holy innocent high's carnival just now. it wasn't fantastic but it was ok. we took the kid's swing and the machine couldn't start at first cos we were all too heavy. picture this, 7 teenagers on this swinging thingy that is meant for the kids. how hilarious! then we played some simple games and went to do other things. nothing much just played around like really big kids. frankie's new stead is cute and so is this glenn person. and so is me (er ok...) everybody was so evil today, kept making fun of me. my stupid godsisters started to call me sister instead of brothers cos they said i'm becoming alot more passive than last time. not my fault what, my stupid ex's fault. then i also need time to change one mahz

then now clay dear is sitting beside reading this also haha. he's so nice, came to pick me up and made everybody else jealous. went to watch IDENTITY. its not bad. really quite an unbelievable but great show. do watch. waiting for mommy to cook dinner now. smell something good cooking. one last dinner before i book into camp....... take care folks see you guys in a week's time

ladida. and i am back online again. went out the whole of yesterday with clayie dearest (i am suppose to call him that, hahah he was upset i called him clay only in the previous post). so it was a great day, we went shopping and we caught the movie matchstick men. it is a really good show. trust me, nicholas cage acting is really great. he's FANTASTIC. and the plot is wonderful, with quite an unexpected twist. loved it. was going to catch the park too but there wasn't really much time and i wasn't feeling at my best. in fact i was feeling quite giddy. for a full detailed and rated R account, please go to my dear's site. don't say i never warned you.

and yep was with chad and colin for awhile today. had a great time with chad when he was over at my place. taught me more about my tarot cards thing. and he gave me some tips and stuff, and he read about my lovelife. much shall be left unsaid but its not a bad thing.

ohohoh i will be all dressed up for next weekend, i would be meeting alanna for this little halloween thing. i so better look good. and also, i so love my new hair but i don't understand why the whole world prefer my previous hairstyle. they all think i look so much better and more drop-dead gorgeous with my previous hair :p i think i look more boyish with this current hair. anyway when people bring me out, does it really feel like bringing a little boy out (indignant look)?

but something happened, and i am very angry. yes the key word is very. rarely do i get so pissed, but this time i am majorly pissed. and i intend to do something about it. i am a scorpio and its not very nice to make scorpios angry. we are very nice people and as vengeful as they make us sound. we are not that vengeful. but yes, we have to potential to be very very evil. and i am going to be very very evil. don't say i didn't warn you. 18 years of my life, i have never been so pissed before. this time its personal! be warned

and yes i am going to turn in soon. just watched stephanie sun (yes i did make myself watch that show) and i must say that she did improve alot (though her fashion sense has ALOT more room for improvement). her songs are nice, but i still think they could do with better singers (note the word singer, it means people who SINGS). my sister told me not to count the amount of times she goes off tune, she didn't want me to tire myself. hahahaha. nite pple! i love you guys.

its deepavali!! and i am finally home! for those who wondered where on earth i have been? i've been confined for the past 2 weekends somewhere on this island. army, yes yes yes. sigh. and yes my paged got hacked into and there was nothing much i could do about it because i am not allowed to use the internet. actually there are places where we can access the internet provided that we have time, but you know how it is, there is never time.

anyway i came home a couple of days ago. why? because i fell very very sick. i was feverish for quite awhile, then my fever hit a new high the night before my field camp, so i was rushed to the medical centre and sent home after. then the next morning, my temperature went up to 39.6. WOW. yes i know, i wanted to check myself in to the hosp. but then after much ice (yes i did ice myself, literally, by soaking myself in ice) did my temperature drop. thank god. still a bit sick now, so much phelgm, and a terrible blocked nose.

ohohoh mark called!! chatted with that dear boy for over 40 mins. sweeet. its been almost 4 weeks since he left. ah, really nice to talk to him and all. and do you know what websites he visits over there in cambridge? trust me you can't ever imagine. lets just say its quite alternative. shudders. and the sounds he make when he's at those pages, shudder. ahahhahah. going out later with clay and gonna spend some time together. tomorrow will be out prob with chad, nigel and alanna??? alrighty, gotta go prepare liaoz. see you guys soon! and kor take care ok? anything you can always talk to me.

testing... lalalal my dear is now beside

yesterday was one of the most traumatising days of my live. the old alvin msged me to meet me and he stood me up. when he msged me, it just totally threw me off balance and i was like so ultimately distressed. i actually ran from marina square to suntec city to find him, cos he told me he was there and that he would meet me after he's done shopping at carrefour.turns out that he lied to me, which is not really much of a surprise really, since that is just so him. and alanna had to knock me to my senses asking me why am i even meeting him in the first place. knowing what he has done to me (this is so ironic). then i waited for him and alvin, the new one, told me that they jus bumped into him at marina square with one other guy. what a jerk. when i asked him abt it, he just switched off his phone and claimed that his batt went flat. so he couldn't call me to tell me he can't make it. so technically i should have known on my own psychic ability and went home. JERK. i dunno why i still behave like this. then clayton told me that from my actions yesterday, it is still very obvious i can't get over the old alvin. why why why.

then earlier in the day, as i decided to randomly walk in any direction to wherever after i shopped at the army market, i bumped into new alvin. wow. its like soo i dunno, too coincidence. he kinda called me and i turn and was kinda shocked to see him. exchanged pleasantries, was with huiyi see. so then we jus walked on in the damn hot sun, wondering at how amazing it was to have the both of us walking in any random direction and have to bump into him. then clayton got quite upset last night about the whole alvin (old) thingy. then today he kinda cried cos i'm going into camp tomorrow and i will be confined for 2 weekends. hrmm argh. what alot of things for one day. and alanna is also kinda right to say that all these happened because of my actions. but she's such a dear, she really cares alot for me, love ya alanna.

thats right folks i would be entering camp and confined for 2 weekends, so i wouldn't be blogging here for quite sometime. i would miss everybody. sigh this is so disgusting. i have been enjoying myself in airforce for more than half a year and now you expect me to go back into the disgusting n regimental army??!!!??!! ARGH...

i wanted to post the lyrics of a song, but i kinda forgotten which song it was. i feel wierd and strange. i feel like someone else. i don't feel right. honestly i have no idea what i'm doing. and maybe i shouldn't elaborate too much over here. think i'll shut up for awhile

i can't think straight (duhz)

hey, its been a couple of days since i posted anything. its more due to a lack of time than any other thing. regarding my previous post: things are not as dark and bleak as it seems, just that sometimes i feel like writing some incredibly morbid stuff (kinda like mark you know). but thanks guys for all your concern. i'm fine (i can't remember what it stands for already, but do watch the italian job to find out).

speaking of which, i caught the italian job. its a great show. the beginning was lousy and boring but the later parts were great. the car chases (with the absolutely gorgeous mini-cooper s) was simply breath-taking, and so was mark wahlberg (however you spell his name). drools. in fact i was screaming so much, over the mini cooper (yes i am not that shallow, thank you) that my friends were trying to shut me up. hahaha. do catch it.

went for my facial on monday, and it was terrible. one of my most painful experiences to date. seriously, in all honesty, cutting the wrist isn't even half as painful. hrmm hey maybe we should all do facials when we are feeling upset. get to look great after that, and its not self-injury. ok bad joke. oh oh oh oh i finally got hotel paper and BUDAK PANTAI!!!! they are soo good. please people, support local talents (yes note the wise choice of word, talent) which means please don't buy stephanie sun cos she is not a local TALENT (more of local bamboo that has been so heavily commercialised). budak pantai's budakamentary is a must buy. they've so much style wit and humour all injected into their songs. ahhh.. faints.

this angry boy's icing over a Secret Pain. he only knows one way out of it. but he doesn't want to do it anymore. because it will hurt everybody around him. it'll make everybody upset. so this angry boy sits and fidgets and slowly starts tearing. this boy's lost. he's so undeserving. why get upset for him? he doesn't even know what's he's doing anymore, just that he knows there are some things that has to be done. its so easy to put the blame from him, and so easy to take the blame away. but don't. he's at fault. yes this angry boy's at fault. so step forward now and slap him. there are many things he can't really say, in fact there are many things he can't say because some time back, someone sewed his mouth with Empty Promises. and now this boy's trying to make sense of the world and what exactly he is doing. but please don't feel anything for this boy, because he's Undeserving. this angry boy's icing over a Secret Pain.

mygod, i am feeling so tired. my whole body is aching. this is unbecoming of a teenager like me. its all because of all the 'sai-kang' i have to do, and i took ippt yesterday. don't ask, i just lost $100 because i was a nice guy and i was trying to help my friend pass it. and then i had to much things to carry around so tired.

voices in my head again. and i don't wanna hear it. it would be so much easier to shut them up and say nothing and just do things nice and slow. but it just doesn't happen. i am never much of a guy to plan. in fact other than setting a general goal for myself say 5 years down the road. then that's it not much specific goals. i prefer to take life a step at a time and enjoy what i can. honestly. this is not to say i am a very unorganised person. recently i have taken a few steps to make my room neater and organise my time properly. but it doesn't change me, i'm still me!

love is so messy and complicated. sigh. if only pple don't think so much and just take things as they come. but i guess that's what makes it love in the first place.

i have some stupid dinner tonight. so will be endin late, AGAIN. so much things to lug home......

what a day what a day. finally got my mess straightened out, now its my hair left.... ok i'll stop it. things are getting better, and clearer. cleared the air with alvin. i'm so glad i did. i was feeling so lousy. and it was such a dramatic day. but i'm not gonna comment much on my side of things. just that it was nice. and i had dinner at werner's where they really have such delicious cheesecake. so delicious alvin almost had an orgasm on it. i am serious! he really did almost have one.

the poor boy colin (hey pull yourself together, cheer up and save your comp at all cost!) well we have to be practical here. give him a date. tell him gently that you'll be off by then, but you'll be hanging around to help him soften the impact, and that he might have another chance if he lets you go, after you cool down maybe (yes its good to lie once awhile esp if its a white lie). in the meantime, just you know be nice. we'll always be here.

and i did the most terrible thing today, though i'm not going to say it. the powerbook is out! the new 15inch powerbook. i'm so in love with it. i'll post the pics tmr. i'm so going to add it to my wishlist. ahhh. and hello kor, so glad things are ok now. work hard at it and don't disappoint him! signing off, ippt tomorrow

come on baby, its your first few steps you can do it.
slowly now, yes left then right. slowly forward.
sweet little thing, yes thats right that's

so fucking wrong you little bastard,why did you have to come to this world.
i'll strangle you to death. i hate you. i hate you, oh and are you trying to take your first step?
you think you can do it, you tiny little bitch. who's son are you anyway. i'll

love you like you're my most precious thing. because you are. why did you fall?
oh look you are bruising now. looks bad, goodness it doesn't look like fall, did someone

go to hell. is 2 kicks enough? how bout another punch? ow, poor little baby's crying. so sad, i am so hurt you know. and what are you crying about? you think you are having a hard time, do you wanna try to be mummy?

oh my darling, why are you crying so bad. don't cry now, mummy's crying too. don't cry, i said don't cry. shut up, shut up. SHUT UP, don't scream, stop shouting, stop crying. stop yelling stop stop stop stop stop stop stopped.

its like threading carefully through a spiderweb. slowly but surely you make your way through, always believing that you won't get caught, just because. but then you started to run. and you trip. and you struggle. only to find yourself more entwined in the web. and the more you struggle, the more trapped you become. and eventually you can only lie there, caccooned. and she slowly makes her way over, eyeing you with every intention. slowly sinking her fangs into your neck. the world fades and.
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messy messy. its messier than my hair. goodness and is that even possible, i mean my hair (ok sorry being so blonde) right. i suppose its just me and my issues (do i sound like a girl yet?). i'm a guy with many hang-ups and issues. and it has surfaced again. but well i don't even know how to put it down nicely without sounding like an absolute bitch (like since when am i not one). is the paranthesis thingy getting irritating? crap i am rambling.

on another note. colin is over here now. facing many problems in his life, and i'm gonna be helping him out. that poor boy. he's gotta learn how to stand up for himself. and learn to be independent and how to face the world alone. got my tarot cards yesterday, and i'm gonna embark on a journey for more self discovery. went to new age circle with clayton cos he's kinda into such things too and that well that. meeting al later too for moving of stuff. sigh sigh sigh. i need a hair straightener!! to sort out the mess in my hair and my life. sigh!

i have no idea how this say this or wot to say even. just that the words didn't come out the way it was supposes to. i am sorry i really am. i don't know what to do but just be here. please tell me if anything is wrong please.

i've so much to say to you. yet i can't find a single word to express it. in my head, i hear your voice, and i end up talking to you for hours, yet when i dial your number, and you eventually pick up, i can only whimper away, not knowing what to say, other than "how are you" and every single phrase that i rehearse in my head, every single word that i want to tell you, just gets lost. i long for you and crave for the day when i can actually see your face again. but i don't want to see you. i don't want to go near you because i know you'll hurt me, you'll kill my soul. and i would bleed, i would lie on the floor in my pool of blood, crying helplessly, screaming out in silent. because you can't hear me, because you can't care, because you couldn't care. the scars that you left in my heart, on my hands can never go away. never fade. you went away. and as you went away, you left me binded and bound by your empty promises. i'm never the same again.

and as i lie naked and torned, and my heart ripped out in full glory of the world, i can't stop thinking of you. won't you please say something. the silent in deafening. 5 months ago you told me you would try to settle down and you won't break my heart. 5 months later, when i asked you how could u bear to hurt me. SILENT. won't you let me know what is going through your mind? i miss you terribly, so much that i tear in public now and then, but i won't let you see my tears, because you don't care.
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don't ask, if you needed to know i would have told you. and you referring to generic you not any specific you. i need to breathe.

ok ok here are the photos of my bottle!








yes that's my bottle! isn't it absolutely cute. i think its cuter than me. haha. and that's the sign we bought for alvin's car. well if you can't really see it clearly, it says horn not working, watch for finger. i think its totally hilarious. yes that's alvin for those who don't already know.

went to work today with my bottle and well i kinda kept gushing over my new bottle to everybody. most of them were quite amused by my behaviour. well it must have been quite a sight to see a guy gush at a water bottle. nothing much at work actually. met an old friend had tea and some sort of a dinner. but the best thing was that i got to sit behind the wheels of her rover 75. WOW.

thinking about alot of things but i am far too tired to put them down into words. and i don't think i can even begin to conceive the words i need to express how i feel. the boiling emotions are far more complicated than a witch's brew.

back online! jus came back home from a little shopping trip with alvin (the other one) - sorry i thought i jus needed to let people know, hope it doesn't come across sounding rude. was doing some shopping for sharon's birthday hehe. that poor girl, hope she is doing alright. i am seriously wondering if there are any people other than 4 people i know who are reading this. watched turn left turn right yesterday even with alvin and company. it was such a great show. its simple, the ending was crappy, but nonetheless it still manages to evoke much emotions. i teared. in fact i've been tearing quite a bit this few days. nothing that drastic, just some lingering emotions. its just so hard to put things down. how do i evene begin? its stinks you know. i feel so lost, so confused, so cheated, so torn. i feel so vulnerable, so naked. sigh.

on the brighter side. i went SHOPPING! er, yes again. i didn't go on a buying spree, but i jus decided to buy a sigg water bottle. oh my god the water bottle is so cute *gushes gushes* will post up the picture later. had quite an embarrasing day today. much about cheesecakes and escalators that went the wrong direction. hahahaha another long and tiring day tomorrow, cos of a course to conduct. i'll go bathe for now and post the photo with a short update later.

testing

my previous post which i typed during one of my most terrible hours was not posted. but i saved it and am wondering if i should put it up. actually i think i should cos this is what i felt like 3 days ago.

may 4th 2002
it has all boiled down to nothing. absolutely nothing at all. and yesterday i just sat down in the middle of nowhere and cried my heart out. i have never cried so much since jason 2 years ago. in fact i think it was just as bad. i couldn't even talk or walk properly. and thank god my jackknife wasn't with me. nothing much to be said though. just that it sums up that i'm a loser in love. and that most people take me as a toy "play with me when u have the time, hugs and kisses included batteries not needed" you know. it was too traumatising. but i'm ok now. and after all those promises, someone slowly wakes you up to reality and reminds you that promises are meant to be broken.i mean whats there left to believe in anymore?

and after all that i'm back at where i am 2 years ago when i am totally disillusioned. left with a shattered heart that is beyond any fixing. so tired of it all. it suddenly seems that nothing lasts anymore. but i'm ok. life goes on no matter what happens, bleeding wrist, tearing eyes, broken heart, one still has to go on with life. nobody waits and nobody cares. so that sums it up. if u want to talk to me about it, please do, but i've told you what you need to know so don't ask the same things.

but now i'm feeling very fine. met up with mel yesterday, talked and exchanged some views and returned some stuff. then it was time to say goodbye. the first few steps were particularly hard to take and tears were welling up in both of us, but i did walk off gracefully. and then suddenly, like some strange spell has been casted, i felt very happy, like a sorta release from something. i mean i was still feeling sad. it was sorta mix feeling. but i'm ok now. feeling yellow!!!

so things with mel have now been cleared and settled and we're still great friends. and now there's alvin. ahhh. don't think i did update any of you guys about alvin. well long story there, but trying to settle things too. not in the bad way though. hahahahah i need a hug

its been so long since i last posted anything. it really makes me wonder if anybody is still reading this blog. to my horror i just, like just, realised i can't even remember how my page looks like. well its just that army (particularly bmt phase) is exceptionally busy. most of the weekends are spent out. there isn't really much time to update this blog at all. and as usual my language probably went down the dumps. people do get stupid in army. haha, actually a large part depends on the individual, whether he is willing to continue reading and all.

looking at my previous post, i realised how much i've grown throughout army. yes in the army life is disciplined and strict. but sometimes there's a need for it. not that i am agreeing that it should always be so disciplined but that my view was too myopic back then. the facilities, well we are finally allowed to use them towards the later part of bmt, but then most of us don't use them anyway. and being a lowly clerk and driver, well that idea has pretty much gone out of my head - although it is still attractive. i mean if i can go through it and be pilot, why not? it sure sounds a lot better than a clerk or driver. in life, we have to try our best. since ns has taken 2 years away from us, why not take something back and learn a thing or 2 in ns right?

and me and mel; well we did not quite survive. long story but things are fine. i learnt how to live on and move on with life. one cannot let situation take control of you.

so its a week break for me. you guys will be seeing more of me from now on liaoz!@!!

army is soo tiring. everything they say and do is just a facade. like there's a canteen and a playroom where recruits are given the oppurtunity to relax. yes there are such facilities, but we can't use it. we are not allowed to use it. sheeesh. in the airforce, all trainees are allowed to go to tv room and view cable on the projection tv.... yar. argh, i so hate all the regimentation and all the spasticated rules and discipline. i am one who doesn't like nor can stand conformity (if that word exist). i mean singapore is encouraging creativity, individuality, and whatever; then you dump all the guys into an instituition that makes everything the same. and i mean everything. including how the clothes are folded and arranged. wow, how creative. we are asked to use our initiative in the army. just that whenever you use it, you get punished. if u don't u get punished too. hrmm.

i so wanted to get out of army, i so want to be a lowly clerk and just complete the liabilities, so that i can have more time to see him and my family. also i am quite afraid of accidents and i am just being a coward. but had a talk with darrell and he told me to just go and be a man and push myself till i can't take it. till then, should i decide to declare then it would be more justified. if i do it now, i might regret. makes sense.. so i would go on and try and that one year in australia, its a good test. if we survive, then it says alot about me and mel =p

and alas i am back home where i belong. note so self: army is not as nice as i think. i never thought i would be saying this, but my god, i love school and i would rather be going through some lit lessons or even econs tutorials. argh!!!! but then i am in the most "xiong" company. not like a certain mark and assorted SCHOLARS who are there. they get soooo much privileges, and all that crap. but i am too tired to type all that down now. just really happy i am back home, miss my family alot - one doesn't really cherish them til you spent a lot time apart. i am missing him alot. and most of the nights, i sleep with such a heavy heart. not because i am afraid i would lose him. i do admit that initially that was how i feel, but i realise we would make it, it just the distance apart that makes me miss him alot. oh well more updates tmr, gotta catch some much loved but missed sleep...

food for thought: the most obvious evidence that more intelligent lifeforms exist is the fact that they have not tried to contact us.

anyway am oen day away from my enlistment and i think i am actually quite excited about it. dyeing my hair back to its original colour, for fear of incuring the seargeant's wrath even before training starts. downloading a whole host of songs to add to my player, trying to get more underwear - don't want to wear the nice ones. thinkin about the future. should be quite fun i think.

the past few days have been quite good actually. spent time with him. thinkin about stuff and wondering why. he's been sweet, real sweet too. ah.

take care peeps, don't miss me too much!

hey guys, this is going to be long, but if u do have the time, please take a look at it yarz? actually nobody reading this is homophobic, but just in case u are. anyway the following article is taken off www.fridae.com

The word homophobia was coined by psychologist George Weinberg in the late 1960s. Weinberg observed that many straight people at that time had a deep seated aversion to homosexual people, one that was irrational, and evidence of emotional or psychological flaws, as he explained in a recent interview on GayToday. (See bottom of page 3 for link to interview).

I realized that something else was going on � more than simple mis-education. This was some deep emotional misgiving these people had, some phobic dread. It seemed to me the problem was theirs, not the homosexual's. I knew a landlord who had two lesbians living on the 5th floor of his brownstone and he couldn't sleep at night at the thought they were up there making love, and obviously the problem was his, not theirs.

Today, though, the word homophobia has been thoroughly absorbed by gay rights and gay community rhetoric, and has come to have a far broader meaning. For example, when a friend of mine was unsuccessful in a recent job interview, he blamed the interviewer for being homophobic. Another time, when the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras parade was lashed by torrential rain, I overheard a spectator lament that God and/or Mother Nature were obviously feeling homophobic that day.

On a more serious note, though, a couple of gay murder trials in Sydney over the past few years have gone in the guilty defendants� favour when judges have sympathised with the �irrational response� (that is, hacking people limb from limb with a blunt knife after bashing them to death with a stone) generated by unwelcome homosexual advances.

Homophobia exists, but like a lot of buzzwords, seems to get over used by anyone and everyone � straight or gay, casual or official - who wants a quick, generally accepted excuse for anything.

Real homophobia � the kind described by Weinberg before most of us were born � is hard to get around, and it can be dangerous. We�re all familiar with the basic assumption that a great many people have that gay people are a little �less� than straight people. Even if they don�t have a strong sense of hatred that is expressed in moments of fatal violence, a big chunk of the general population consider all things gay to be totally left-of-centre, and something that�s able to be �tolerated�, but not much more.

Even in sophisticated, culturally progressive Western Europe, marriage and insurance rights for gay couples are brand new, and received with a schizo-mix of relief and scepticism. In Australia, the afore-mentioned Mardi Gras is a hugely popular, out in the open money-spinner, but equal civil rights for gays are still in the �developmental� stage. Gay culture has yet to establish a stable position within mainstream society � so it remains on the fringe � a suspicious, misunderstood thing.

As a result, around the world, homophobia is institutionalised � endorsed by governments, the education system, and the mainstream media. It creates an endless and impenetrable cycle of misinformation and �bad press�, that gives people a badly biased view of a lifestyle they have otherwise little contact with, and at the same time denies them any access to imagery or information that may balance out their points of view

For example, when Bangkok�s Babylon sauna was raided in December, armed soldiers, acting on behalf of the government�s new, fabulously named Ministry of Social and Moral Order, entered the premises accompanied by television news crews. When Thais sat down to that night�s TV news, they were shown how committed their elected leaders, who they trust know about these things, were to cleaning out Thai society from the bottom up.

Never mind that across town in Patpong, straight pimps drive their houses of prostitutes with iron fists, exploitation and unsafe sex, while the Babylon is an opulent sauna, with no organised prostitution, but plenty of condoms and positive information, present. Walk down Silom Road, the main road that feeds the Patpong district, and you get offered girls and drugs every other step. Go into the gay bars, and you do so of your own volition � no one drags you there, and once you are there, all the patrons kind of mind their own business. Nothing was mentioned about this contradiction on the news that night. Around the country, grandparents watching have their homophobic views confirmed, while children looking on have their first exposure to homosexuality, and it�s negative and scandalous. If the police need to be called, and if the national media cover the event unblinkingly, who at home can argue with the serious need to bust the Babylon?

I was present at Babylon on the night of the raid, and at the time the Social and Moral army arrived, I was having a lemonade and a quiet conversation with a German airline executive by the landscaped, chlorinated pool. A couple of other people were there, sunbaking and chatting. A previous raid the week before had closed the upstairs cruising section, but even before that, Babylon never struck me as being a cesspool of vice and drugs, on the contrary, it resembles a five star Koh Samui resort for gays. If you�ve ever been to a Club Med, you�ve seen the rampant cruising and one night stands that go on amongst the heterosexual guests at �places like that�. Babylon isn�t much different, except that instead of Club Med�s limbo contests, it has a pianist and a jazz singer in the coffee lounge, and plays movies like Before Night Falls instead of Star Wars: Episode II. Nevertheless, everyone at Babylon that afternoon was rounded up and made to give a � urine sample!

It�s not being overly dramatic to compare this to fascist Europe before and during the Second World War � the process is, fundamentally, the same. Continue to drive home the message that a certain group of society needs to be monitored for their subservience, deviance and threat to the good of the nation, and the bulk of the population will believe that group is really like that. Worse, that group will itself start to fray at the edges, unsettled by its poor treatment, lack of welcome, and collective self-doubt. This is what institutionalised homophobia is � an established and at times unnoticed deep-seated prejudice that has a staggeringly negative effect.

Why am I lined up and made to provide a urine sample? I�ve never done that before, except at the doctors, where I�ve paid for a voluntary examination. Do they urine test the thousands of johns fucking their way through a hundred girls a week in Patpong? (Just in case you�re wondering - no, they don�t.)

And this is where things, in my opinion, start to get nasty, with gay people themselves believing, from the earliest age, that they deserve this kind of disproportionate official treatment. I mean, when I go home for Christmas, and I sit around the dinner table with my family, I know that my straight brother has never been busted at a sauna and made to give a urine sample, and that people don�t stare at him like a freak when he shows affection to his date in a public place. It�s not that I feel like I don�t have a place at the dinner table, but I do classify myself as a more sexually suspect person � my sexuality is more significant in my life than my brother�s is in his, and for all the wrong reasons.

Whether I like it or not, and whether my sex life is more ribald and active than his (it is, by far, I must admit), people think of me, and other gay and lesbian people, as more �sexual� people than others. In turn, I expect � or maybe I�m just used to it - to be treated with moral suspicion, or negative attention. So when they come for the urine sample at the sauna, I don�t kick up a storm and become outraged, as much as I roll my eyes and think, �this is kind of interesting�, and share a giggle with the gay guy lined up next to me, knowing what a story it�ll make for my friends back home.

This kind of understated reaction doesn�t have to be a problem, but at its worst, can turn into the dreaded �internalised homophobia�, where gays and lesbians doubt their own worth, and live with the assumption that their sexuality places them at a dubious moral and social place. Does internalised homophobia exist, and if it does, how many of us suffer from this kind of lower self worth, without, often, even realising it?

If you work a meaningless job through the week then party all weekend on drugs (and sometimes have unsafe sex with a bunch of strangers), a lifestyle familiar to many gays and lesbians, is this just cool city living, or evidence that your expectations of yourself and your life are pretty low? If you end up in lousy relationships all the time, or never end up in a long-term relationship at all, scuttling most opportunities of monogamy and permanent partnership that come your way, is this evidence of your carefree, independent ways, or are you convinced on some subconscious level that you don�t deserve a partner, or that no partner in their right mind would want you? How do you have a successful partnership anyway, when the law prevents you from marrying, and social mores prevent you from showing affection in public? You end up with a �lover� not a spouse, and you can only show affection behind closed doors, where it won�t offend anyone.

However, plenty of straight people have low self-esteem, and train wreck lives, and they don�t � can�t � blame it all on homophobia. Neither, in my opinion, can gays and lesbians. There are other influences at work, and we all need to take responsibility for our adult selves, and see how we are implicated in our own fortune/misfortune. Institutionalised homophobia is a dangerous pain in the ass, but fighting for respect is only successful when you believe you really, really deserve it, not when you know you can invoke �homophobia� as the devil behind every problem. When you do that, you do the same as the Ministry of Social and Moral Order, simplifying an idea, and creating a demon out of nothing, and that doesn�t get anybody anywhere.

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well what a long article. but still it kinda reminds me that homophobia still exist, and that not alot of people are open to the idea. i mean i am rather affectionate to mel in public. but it is nothing amazingly open, just you know hug him or just put my arm round his shoulders. such a simple gesture would still lead to people talking behind us and giving us looks. i mean get over it, good friends do that too. but argh too tired to type out in details. laterz

wow!, its been quite sometime since i last blogged. in fact its been quite sometime since i did anything. i have been bumming around aimlessly. well can't really blame me since i am going to be in the army soon. like about slightly more than a week away. nothing big happened anyway just that i have pretty much decided to take up wicca, well not exactly take up wicca cos that is a religion, but it is not the same as taking up witchcraft either, cos witchcraft is the old religion; and wicca is like the new revised version to make practising it much safer for people in our generation. but not much people here know or would want to bothered by what i am talking about anyway.

the poor woman that died in the mrt accident, she was a teacher in mel's school. it came as a rather shocking news to me, cos i have been pretty much cooped up in orchard and hougang and nowhere near any newspaper. i speculate she must have been pushed down by the crowd. just like how i wouldn't surprise if someone get ran over by the mrt at jurong east. the crowd is just insane. they push and shove around like if they are the first to get into the train, they get a free chocalate. its such a mad rush. and just a couple of days back, i just lost my temper and screamed at the mass of minions, zerglings, whatever; and told them to get the F*** off and let us GET OUT OF THE DAMN TRAIN. they behave like there's gold in the train. i had to kick this idiot away. argh!!!! DISGUSTING SINGAPOREANS!!!!!!!!!!

my heart just shattered into pieces when i saw him yesterday. that silly boy went to cut himself because of me. becausee i did it. my god. he didn't just slash himself with my swissarmy blade (i thought he confiscated it for my own good), he took a pen knife and did multiple slashes at the same spot. i just wanted to scold him, but i realised i should be scolding myself instead. argh.. heartache! then we hung around for awhile before i had to leave with mommy for this workshop. at the station, he kinda put both his arms around my shoulder, and i was so tempted to hold his waist, but i didn't. anyhow, that got quite a number of stares. apparently there was this 2 girls who were quite amused. just wondering how open are people to the notion of homosexuality. i know that people of my/our generation are quite open about it, but just wondering what are going through people's mind when they see me and mel together. ladida.. got a date laterz going off liaoz...

jewel - break me
I will meet you
In some place
Where the light lends itself
To soft repose
I will let you undress me
But I warn you
I have thorns
Like any rose
And you could hurt me
With your bare hands
You could hurt me
With with the sharp end
Of what you say
But I'm lost to you now
And there's no
Amount of reason
That could save me
So break me
Take me
Just let me
Feel your arms again
Break me
I'll let you make me
Just let me
Feel your love again

Feels like being underwater
Now that I've let go
And lost control
Water kisses fill my mouth
Water fills my soul

So break me
Take me
Just let me
Feel your arms again
Break me
Make me
Just let me
Feel your love again

Kiss me once
Or maybe twice
Oh, it never felt so nice
So break me
Take me
Let me
Feel your arms again
Break me
Make me
Just let me
Feel your arms again
Just let me
Feel your love again

you tell me that i think too much. but can i not think? do you want really want me to have no expression and just go "ok". i am only human. if i am not the slightest bit bothered, then you should be very worried. because i am bothered it shows that i love you my dear. i think because i care.

i am so tired now. but i don't think i can fall asleep. i am so afraid where my mind will bring me when i sleep. already the conscious mind is showing me things and bringing me places i don't want to see, don't want to know. in there, i see myself sitting down and watch my heart bleed to death, watch my soul drained by the tears. and i'm fallen and nobody is there to pick me up and catch me as i fall. and now i'm lying in my own pool of blood slowly losing my breath and all you can say is that you're bored and you need to sleep. but i don't want you to sleep. i want to talk. in a relationship, there must be communication. it is one of the important things that sustain a relationship. i don't want to sweep things under the carpet because i know that it will come back, someday. and my mind now is in a complete blank, and my heart is now dry, void of everything. and i'm lying here, dazed, not knowing what to do. would you just walk by and say something other than that? would you just hold my hands and talk to me? would you lift me away from here into the eternity where we belong? please....

i am so happy with my current position with him now, i hope we stay like this for a very long time. things are so lovely, sweet, stable and absolutely beautiful. there are quite a few things that he did and i just feel so loved all over again. i am so glad that i've gotten over that relationship and moved on. though that may be so, sometimes, in fact most of the time, i think too much for my own good. as much as i am so happy now, i feel very upset. the thought of his past, stabs like a knife. its so painful to imagine, or even to make sense of it. it is something that i can't accept it, cos it hurts him deep inside. and i know that if i could, i would go back in time and kill those people, that person particularly. i would not let anybody hurt him. i like to think that i would protect him violently, if needed. and in my mind, he's lying there: drunk, helpless, vulnerable, defenseless. against that person that would slowly but surely hurt him. and if i had to chance, i would walk straight into that room, give it all i've got and fight that guy. then i would drag him out that place, and bring him back.but i can't change the past. it has already happened. i've learned to not bother about the past because it is not the same mel then. he has changed alot and i am eternally thankful for that. but some people don't understand. i am not upset cos of that. its the whole notion of the lack of self-love and the entire issue of how hurt he got by others. its the latter that i really can't stand. and i can feel my rage and fury rising inside me as i type this. but i know it is only because i love him that it happens. as gross/disgusting/mushy as that may sound, its true. so if anybody can't stand it, don't read.

i wanna love you forever

its been quite awhile since i last updated. been busy and away. there was a chalet and some stayovers and plenty of fun. and i'm finally sitting in front of my comp for the first time in 2003 with my tomyam noodles sitting on the chair. HAPPY NEW YEAR FOLKS. 2002 was quite a year: i had more than enough trouble with the discipline mistress cause she was mentally unstable, SCHOOL'S OUT, met baobei early this year and got with baobei finally on my birthday. ahhh.....

spent 7 days and night with mel, not a single moment was spent apart, serious! and today i saw him again, nothing can describe how happy i was yesterday and today, especially at 5.15am today. hehehe. then i went to F's place to see mel. actually i was hopin to catch mel asleep, so that the first person he sees when he opens his eyes is me. but i caught him abit to late, he was just slowly awaking when i arrive. you know after the initial blurness when one wakes up, and then falls back asleep again then waking up? yep that's when i arrived. he was soo happy to see me, and i just missed him soo much i went and hugged him so so tight. spent the rest of the day together and i think we are not really bothered by anything anymore. as in, he slept on my laps and shoulders while on the mrt cos he was very tired. i hugged him that way (not the friendly way) in the middle of orchard and he kissed me goodbye at the bus-stop. ah i feel like i'm in heaven..

but still i cut myself 2 nights ago because i thought too much, about his past, about the incident that sparked of the trust issue, about us, about the future and i just lost it. i just took my BRAND NEW blade and slashed the wrist, and as the blood was slowly oozing out, the tears fell like the rain. it was beating down on my wrist and washing the ruby red blood off. pain. devastion. release. but today he saw my wrist. and i didn't want him to see, but he did. i tried to wriggle away, but he pinned me down. i don't want to see him, i don't him to see my wounds. but there i was lying on the floor, feeling so naked, so vulnerable. and as he slowly twist my arms around, i cried. he just held me so tight, and he didn't let me go. he scolded me, and said that i was so silly for thinking so much things that don't matter. i suppose he was right. and later he made me promise not to do it ever again. no one has ever done that, and i would want to stop it for him. but what if, what if i'm hurt by him again??

we'll last forever