exits

Feli my neighbour is making her exit from office. And these few days, I've been saying to her: "So good, you're making your exit...I also waaannnt...." I actually half mean it, cos I'm so tired.

This morning, as I was tucking into breakfast in the pantry, I asked my supe: "In all your years here, do you feel like you have a bigger workload now?" And she agreed. But she added: "Jia you bah."

Hmm...I'm not very sure if jia you's gonna work for me! I just think, there's too much work to do.

On Sat night, I was talking to ethan mummy, and I said: "You know, as a journo, you just chase your story, be damn good at it, and the people around you think the world of your story. And you earn the money." You don't have to do all the shit work like admin/budgeting/coordination. There are people who do it for you! You just need to concentrate on getting your story. Period.

So, you might think, am I thinking of making my exit?

Well, the truth is, thinking about it makes me wanna cry. When I think I'm gonna leave my clients behind, the ones I've journeyed with, been journeying with, whether they give me hell or not, I still feel sad man.

Last week, I asked one Sec 2 student in jest while he forced me to play pool with him: "Will you be sad if I leave?" Without taking his eyes off the pool table, he sheepishly nodded his head. Man, I feel sad just hearing his response. Sob.

I think in a big way, I am intricately connected to my work. I'm not sure I should call it work. But anyways, that's what everyone calls it. Yet, I'm so damn tired. I just need to offload some work, and I'll be fine. But I'm not sure where I can throw it. And in times like these, I try to make myself feel better by picking one of the following to say:

Life Is Short.

Lower Your Expectations.

I Am Limited.

And everyday I tell God: Lord, you are God over all of this. And I am thankful He shows me that everyday. You're amazing Lord.

Somebody by Depeche Mode (performed by Ngak&Clement)

I have been playing this video over and over again, and I regret that I did not shoot the whole song, because Ngak's rendition is so haunting man. But that's my dilemma! I relish the live performance, and hate watching it through the digital cam screen while recording it. But I also don't want to go home empty-handed, so well, I make do by recording just a little, and watching the rest of it without the camera getting in the way. I don't know why I thought of eug when I heard the song. Did one of the ACS boys sing this during IU Night when we were in Sec 3? IU = International Understanding right? Ah, my memory fails me...but anyways, eug, this song is dedicated to you, and to all who love the songs from the 90s...

Mood: nostalgic (as livejournal would have it)

I think I...

There is a Korean song titled "I Think I...". But this post is not about the Korean song, though it is about music. On Wed night, as my heart lunged towards the office exit in a bid to leave on the dot for the Ngak and Clement gig, one part of it said, return the call. Out of professional responsibility, I did, and was occupied for the next half hour. I held the phone, as I lay my head on the table, gritting my teeth and saying "mm hmm, mm hmm" in the most interested way I could.

I think that scenario sums up the dilemma I face almost everyday - the need to separate my personal life from work, the need to draw a boundary between what they want from me, and what I need for myself.

Then again, that doesn't seem to be THE problem for me. I enjoy being involved in their lives, even when sometimes, they demand so much from me. What I don't enjoy is the other stuff. The other stuff like extensive programme coordination, billing and budgeting, multi-tasking, having to come up with a system that works and having to justify your work to the people who fund it. In short, my colleagues and I are "bao ka liao". It would be so much nicer if there was more money in it for us, for sure. But of course, like how I often positively reframe for my clients, I need to positively reframe for myself too. It's been two years, but it does seem like 10 years because I have had to do and learn so much. The learning curve is much steeper than that of a journo, I feel. I have a feeling I know my inclinations, and I will continue to look out for the right fit for me. In the meantime, I will make sure I make time for the necessary music stops, whether someone leaves a message for me to return the call or not. For now, I just need a biru and some live music. Tonight it shall be!

i miss the journos

Kartaly tries very hard to be ah lian, in order to organise bird day parteh for Beng. Of cos, she fails miserably at it, while Beng, on the other hand, scores big time with his email reply. Beng, LE SI WAH EH OU XIANG!!! WEE YOU WEE!!! hahahaha!!! really made my day lor....He writes...

oei ah dawn, you very chio leh. li ai gah wah zo peng you bo? li si beh swee leh. wah buay tahan liao.

annieway, where is the your grope work? may the be we ken meet nearby dere.

cos dis flyday i intercourse, i mean i on course. but maybe bend and XXXY and HJ need to work late.

or we ken eat first and you enter us later.

anything for you chio bu but u mast wear hot pants or tight skirt ok! swee bo?!

Regards,
Mr Ah Beng

ethan is destined to be an ACS boy...

Ethan my favourite naughty boy speaks Mandarin. Ask him to say "nose", and he says PI zi. Ask him to say "rat", and he (used to) say "lao shu" and not "lao2 shu3" ie there's no sheng diao at all. And I remember he asked his mummy once "lao shu is teacher (lao shi)?" Hahahah. So cute. Anyways, here in this vid, you can hear his angmohfied-ness. He's really destined to be an ACS boy. Because not only is his Mandarin erm...like that, his English is damn good lor. He can say "gi-normous" (not exactly a correct English word, but hey, for a 3-year-old to say that, I think very good lor). He can also say "camouflage", "Bruce Wayne" and "disgusting". HAHAHA. And he carries out a great adult conversation with you. Love him to bits.

SATC the movie rox becos gurrrl power rox

I wanted so much to watch Sex And The City today because I was really getting bored. It must have been one of the most amusing movie experiences for me because the audience kept going awwww - when I went awwww...

No wonder ST Life writer Tay Yek Keak said his knees were shaking when he sat in the cinema watching it. Why? Because girl power totally flooded the place. Haha.

It was deja vu when Charlotte told Carrie, during the Mercedes Benz Fashion Week scene, what she would say to Big if she saw him. I laughed when she very seriously went: "I curse the day you were born."

Well, my own girlfriends have shared their own what-I-would-say-or-do-to-him-if-I-ever-saw-him statements to me, ranging from "Sick man, I didn't even want to look at him" to "Just don't let me see him man". Haha. So sweet of them. :)

Really, in sickness and in health, till death do us part, dear girlfriends. You rock. And that's why I can be happy being alone, because I am not lonely. 

just thinking when there's no space in the brain

I am really getting tired more and more easily. Maybe it's because when I need to multi-task, my brain just starts losing steam. I was just telling a colleague today that maybe I need to have a kid to build up brain stamina, but then again.

It's 8.55pm now, and I really want to rest my brain, soothe it with sleep balm. I wonder why I'm so tired? No space in my brain, yeah. If I'm going to squeeze one more thing inside, it's just so going to fall out. I want to take leave again.

Just a side note: I visited a Drug Rehab Centre today with my youths, and when the 28-year-old prison officer (who prob has only a poly dip) said he was earning $2.5K per month, my colleague looked at me and said: "He's earning more than us." And I felt sian man.

But I know I know, I might only understand it fully much much later. But it still sucks. And that's why, I force myself to go home by 6.30pm.