Since Friday, my brain's been overworking, and probably quite confused. Not intentionally.
Let's see...
~ suicide case: major anxiety+own triggers
~ wedding rehearsal: just tired man
~ buy guitar: majorly ecstatic while trying to open puffy eyes (to Porn, I looked like shit)
~ meet K+sooty+eug+baby chloe: happy (girls always make me happy)
~ 1hr rushed nap: peace
~ watch HYR at botanics with ethan mummy: majorly ecstatic (we sat so close! Funkie Monkies are such family...)
~ wake up 6.15am to play for service: super tired+eager
~ had to cancel xinyao open mic session with Porn: sad man, I really wanted to go!
~ fix drumming sessions during my off: irritated
~ too tired to watch my new guitar instructional dvd: more irritated
~ couldn't wake up for work: pissed
~ groupwork: apprehensive and busy
~ suicide case: own triggers
in short, I'm superbly trauma-ed these few days. I think my brain has turned schizo.
I'm sososo damn tired.
I really need to peaceout.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
exhausted but happy
I finished my first-ever Chinese song yesterday. Felt so sick of it, yet was pretty happy with it. It's an achievement, really. Decided to mail it to S, and he gave me both compliments and constructive criticism. Really made my day. I hope he will carry out what he offered to help me with - to lay tracks for me and record it as a demo at his studio. I would die of happiness! So far, it's always been Porn nudging the shy/lazy/all-too-contented me to write and record stuff. I guess now that I've let more people know that I'm interested in composing, maybe I could really be inspired so much more. It's like a chicken and egg thing? You need people to offer to accompany you on this songwriting journey in order to be encouraged to write even more.
Actually, writing this post is a way of being accountable to myself too. That I would not just talktalktalk and do nothing, which is what ALWAYS happens. I mean, I'm beginning to understand the importance of being in a community of likeminded people. We will keep inspiring each other to do stuff, and when we collaborate, we do even better stuff. It's like what HYR says about finding the right partners.
Just a few days back, Drearie talked about Wayne and Libby visiting our church from NZ again. And that she hoped to have a set of orginal compositions ready for them to hear. I hope that I can get some stuff out by then. It would be really cool to let touring recording artistes like them hear my stuff. I mean, even if the songs are not that great, at least I tried. Wanna do some Missy Higgins, Brooke Fraser-style stuff, just need to get deep lyrics.
And guess what, I'm going guitar shopping this Sat. All thanks to Porn. Let's see if I will really get a guit. I've promised myself, if I do spend a bomb on it, I really need to practise. It's really different composing with a guit as compared to on the keyboard. Somehow tho' my fingers are stiff on the guit, I get more inspiration strumming it.
Wow, I've typed so much! I hope I don't read this post one year later and say to myself, oh man, it's just all talk! Good luck to me :)
Actually, writing this post is a way of being accountable to myself too. That I would not just talktalktalk and do nothing, which is what ALWAYS happens. I mean, I'm beginning to understand the importance of being in a community of likeminded people. We will keep inspiring each other to do stuff, and when we collaborate, we do even better stuff. It's like what HYR says about finding the right partners.
Just a few days back, Drearie talked about Wayne and Libby visiting our church from NZ again. And that she hoped to have a set of orginal compositions ready for them to hear. I hope that I can get some stuff out by then. It would be really cool to let touring recording artistes like them hear my stuff. I mean, even if the songs are not that great, at least I tried. Wanna do some Missy Higgins, Brooke Fraser-style stuff, just need to get deep lyrics.
And guess what, I'm going guitar shopping this Sat. All thanks to Porn. Let's see if I will really get a guit. I've promised myself, if I do spend a bomb on it, I really need to practise. It's really different composing with a guit as compared to on the keyboard. Somehow tho' my fingers are stiff on the guit, I get more inspiration strumming it.
Wow, I've typed so much! I hope I don't read this post one year later and say to myself, oh man, it's just all talk! Good luck to me :)
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Feb 14: What is love?
Love is...
When two 15-year-old boys popped by my office yesterday, and I happened to be around tho' it was going home time. And they said, we were nearby and we thought about you, and came to see you. One had bought chocs for a girl he liked, and both asked, you sure you don't have boyfriend, sure you have lah, must invite us to your wedding you know...Tho' that's like the umpteenth time a teenage boy has asked if I have a "stead", I actually feel ok about it tho' it's V-day today.
Love is...
When a 16-old boy saw me in school today and said, hey you're here again, and passed me a V-day doughnut that he just bought.
Love is...
When a 15-year-old boy asked me why I didn't buy him a V-day present, and then said he would give me one. He said, I'll go find something nice in my house to give you, maybe one of the Eeyores that I don't want anymore, aiya no lah joking, I can't bear to give you my Eeyores, but I'll find something! And he looked so very serious, and said he was so very serious, that I actually felt like it was an honour for me to get a secondhand item!
Love is...
When two colleagues asked me if I have a date today, and if I missed having a date, and I actually felt really ok!
:)
When two 15-year-old boys popped by my office yesterday, and I happened to be around tho' it was going home time. And they said, we were nearby and we thought about you, and came to see you. One had bought chocs for a girl he liked, and both asked, you sure you don't have boyfriend, sure you have lah, must invite us to your wedding you know...Tho' that's like the umpteenth time a teenage boy has asked if I have a "stead", I actually feel ok about it tho' it's V-day today.
Love is...
When a 16-old boy saw me in school today and said, hey you're here again, and passed me a V-day doughnut that he just bought.
Love is...
When a 15-year-old boy asked me why I didn't buy him a V-day present, and then said he would give me one. He said, I'll go find something nice in my house to give you, maybe one of the Eeyores that I don't want anymore, aiya no lah joking, I can't bear to give you my Eeyores, but I'll find something! And he looked so very serious, and said he was so very serious, that I actually felt like it was an honour for me to get a secondhand item!
Love is...
When two colleagues asked me if I have a date today, and if I missed having a date, and I actually felt really ok!
:)
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
chill+peaceout+happy+euphoric
many things happened today...
~ mistersoh msned to invite me to his wedding. i feel really happy for him, and i'm actually looking forward to his wedding altho we haven't met in AGES. i think he is a good man :) ethan mummy asks if he's doing his wedding photography himself...eh...i think not? mel, if you're reading this, i don't think you guys are so ON rite? also, i wonder how photogs behave at weddings of friends...do they like bring their mega cams and start shooting non-stop from all angles? hahaha.
~ 紙飛机，帶我回到地球表面吧。。。yes, i'm attempting to write a chinese song, with inspiration from certain somebodies and band. got the tune for the chorus, gotta think of the rest. i hope i can do it. i gotta chill+peaceout. zen, girl.
~ i thank God for people who keep me sane when frequencies clash (you know who you are). i was snubbed. hurt. sob.
~ olduvai is getting married, to the guy i've never seen. :) theirs is an extraodinary love story, like i was jus telling her minutes ago. so happy for her. dsd is going to get a fat ang pow loh! hahaha.
~ i bot 3 pairs of flats from Far East Plaza today. woohoo! total damage only about $70. hope the shoes last at least one year! hahaha.
~ mistersoh msned to invite me to his wedding. i feel really happy for him, and i'm actually looking forward to his wedding altho we haven't met in AGES. i think he is a good man :) ethan mummy asks if he's doing his wedding photography himself...eh...i think not? mel, if you're reading this, i don't think you guys are so ON rite? also, i wonder how photogs behave at weddings of friends...do they like bring their mega cams and start shooting non-stop from all angles? hahaha.
~ 紙飛机，帶我回到地球表面吧。。。yes, i'm attempting to write a chinese song, with inspiration from certain somebodies and band. got the tune for the chorus, gotta think of the rest. i hope i can do it. i gotta chill+peaceout. zen, girl.
~ i thank God for people who keep me sane when frequencies clash (you know who you are). i was snubbed. hurt. sob.
~ olduvai is getting married, to the guy i've never seen. :) theirs is an extraodinary love story, like i was jus telling her minutes ago. so happy for her. dsd is going to get a fat ang pow loh! hahaha.
~ i bot 3 pairs of flats from Far East Plaza today. woohoo! total damage only about $70. hope the shoes last at least one year! hahaha.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Music: Passion
L to R: Wu Jiahui (best known as singer of 一人一半), Eric Ng (producer/musician/songwriter), me (fan), Ngak (musician/songwriter).
I was at their Huayi gig last night and it was such a great joy listening to such passionate and good musicians. I really wished I was 19 all over again, the year that I discovered I was not bad at singing folk, that I could press my guitar strings properly, that I liked translating my feelings into songs (I even visited a music publisher to sell off my raw raw songs), that perhaps, just perhaps, I could sing and play somewhere.
Alas, like I've said so many times, I've no passion. Only like. So I never pressed on, never persevered, never pushed myself hard enough. Maybe if I didn't have to play keyboards for church, I would have done something about it. So every time I hear such good musicians living their dreams, I feel their euphoria by living vicariously through them.
I must really try harder. One more song to practise today!
Saturday, February 09, 2008
hitting the keys
feels good playing the piano today and singing along
feels good tidying up my iPod playlist
feels good listening to a whole bunch of new music
feels good tidying up my iPod playlist
feels good listening to a whole bunch of new music
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Friday, February 01, 2008
Embracing the season
Frankly, embracing the season of singlehood has been particularly difficult for me. Off and on, I question my worth, my attractiveness, and gosh, my sex appeal. I'm happy I've shed the kilos, I'm happy people say I dress better, but I wish someone would look me in the eyes and tell me he would love me till death do us part.
It's especially disturbing for people to ask me how old I am this year. I often find myself saying, in an irritated tone, how I'm going to be 30 next year and "my biological clock is ticking away". And the thing is, I mean every word I say. It sounds really pathetic to actually say things like that to others, including those not close to me. But the words, well, take a will of their own.
I can't hide that knot in my heart that tightens when I hear of friends getting married. I'm happy for you friend, but I also fight the reminder of the injustice done to me. I have no memory of him. I just mourn the loss of a happy future that I envisioned.
And then, I get a good laugh and thrill when sweet girlfriends and I discuss ways to create opportunities for myself. Recently, I tried. But I think God played a joke on me. I ended up feeling a bit loserly, yet very amused. Girlfriends insisted I try a second time, cos the first time totally did not count, they said. Yeah, maybe I should, then again, maybe I should just leave it. What do you think?
Crazy colleagues say they don't think it's cos nobody wants me, but just that I don't want the one who tried to ask me out. There's some truth in it, but if you can't even imagine him to be your friend, how can you make him your soulmate? Nevertheless, it's still nice to know that I can laugh about it, with their help.
So yeah. I think if the second time doesn't work out, I'll know that God is listening to my prayer - at least He said no, with some humour.
:)
It's especially disturbing for people to ask me how old I am this year. I often find myself saying, in an irritated tone, how I'm going to be 30 next year and "my biological clock is ticking away". And the thing is, I mean every word I say. It sounds really pathetic to actually say things like that to others, including those not close to me. But the words, well, take a will of their own.
I can't hide that knot in my heart that tightens when I hear of friends getting married. I'm happy for you friend, but I also fight the reminder of the injustice done to me. I have no memory of him. I just mourn the loss of a happy future that I envisioned.
And then, I get a good laugh and thrill when sweet girlfriends and I discuss ways to create opportunities for myself. Recently, I tried. But I think God played a joke on me. I ended up feeling a bit loserly, yet very amused. Girlfriends insisted I try a second time, cos the first time totally did not count, they said. Yeah, maybe I should, then again, maybe I should just leave it. What do you think?
Crazy colleagues say they don't think it's cos nobody wants me, but just that I don't want the one who tried to ask me out. There's some truth in it, but if you can't even imagine him to be your friend, how can you make him your soulmate? Nevertheless, it's still nice to know that I can laugh about it, with their help.
So yeah. I think if the second time doesn't work out, I'll know that God is listening to my prayer - at least He said no, with some humour.
:)
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