the price of more money

I took up two freelance writing jobs this week. I should be happy I have more money coming my way. But I really wish I could rest.

Damn.

How do people hold two jobs at a time?

Threatened by size

I'm threatened by group size - when I don't know the people well.

A perfect example would be what happened just a few hours back. I did plan on watching the England-Ecuador match somewhere in Clarke Quay with leo. Then when I heard his colleagues were going to be there, I just chickened out.

I canst nots. I canst nots face a whole bunch of strangers. Well, I know one of them by name, but that's not enough to rid me of this fear. Sometimes, when I'm stuck in situations like these, I just want to take flight. Pretend I have to return the car, oh no, wait a minute, I have a terrible stomachache. Anything, to worm out of the situation. But, usually, I suppress the urge to do something stupid.

The solution? Stay home, test out cable channel 39 (RTM channel) to see if the match is being telecast (no it's not), and just be happy being alone. :)

I wonder how, I wonder why

One reason I'm finding counselling challenging (the good type of challenging, not the euphemism for difficult) is probably because I like analysing people.

I wonder why they say a certain thing when they are alone in front of me, and why they say things that seem so "out of character" when family members are present. I wonder what it was in their environment that led them to think or feel in a certain way. I wonder what I would do if I were them. I wonder and I wonder and I keep on wondering.

And then suddenly one day (actually it was last Friday) it hit me that everyone's unique. How do I put it? I've always known that, but I never really knew.

I wonder how long I will love this wondering in this wandering (oops, couldn't help it) life of mine. Maybe one day I will get tired of this wondering (and wandering). Then what do I do?

Haha. I wonder :)

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On a separate note, my youth asked me today if he could do part-time work at my agency!!!

He said: "You want me do what also can. Carry things, or whatever also can."

I felt like telling him we only hire free labour! Haha. He said he didn't want to try working somewhere else just in case he "cannot make it". Hence, he wanted to start at someplace nice first - like my agency.

Haha. Sounds like he likes us! :)

Happy Father's Day

Yesterday was Father's Day.

I decided to pay a long-awaited visit to my dad's niche at the Mount Vernon Crematorium. I had meant to write a letter to him, for some grief closure on my part. It was a suggestion by two people I know from the counselling circle. Whether it was procrastination or pure laziness, I do not know, but I never got down to writing it.

Decided to just heck it and speak to that marble tablet with his faded picture on it. You know, some people write on a balloon and let it go; some people write a letter and burn it; some people hang bookmarks with words like "I love you mum" and stick it to the marble tablets. I didn't really know what to do with my letter after reading it out to him. So, yeah, I just spoke.

So it wasn't just a hard cold marble tablet after all. I really did feel like I was talking to my dad. I told him I did feel like he abandoned us when he died just like that. But I knew he couldn't help it. It wasn't his fault. I told him I wished I could have said a proper goodbye to him before he went. I told him there was one big regret I had about his dying. I thanked him for all the musical and linguistic genes he passed on to me. I told him I was living well now and happy. And I told him I really, really love him.

And I felt peace.

I'm sure I'll still cry sometimes because I'm such a weepie I sometimes hate myself for it. But I guess at least now I'll cry for the right reasons, and I'll know why I'm crying. And somehow, even though I cry, it doesn't seem to hurt so much anymore.

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. Philippians 1:21 (NIV)

it's the end of the week

I don't seem to have anything to blog about. How boring... *yawn*

Work is getting better as I don't feel so demoralised anymore. It was the groupwork with uncooperative youths that really got to me. Anyhows, am getting the hang of things, and enjoying sessions with my youths. I like them :) I just get a bit jittery before family counselling sessions. And I do write out my script before the session, especially if its a Mandarin-speaking one - like the first such one I'm conducting later in the evening. The script is my Linus' blanket. Although I know the session will turn out different from what I'm expecting, at least I feel prepared.

There's a bunch of people (youths and social workers) outside now, getting ready for their two-day-one-night Ubin camp. Just thinking about it makes me feel tired. Do I really have to start camping again? Sigh...

ANYWAYS.

My youths appreciate my red hair. Heh heh. One boy said: "Cher! You look very pretty with your new hair leh!" Awww.... Hahaha. At my workplace, only my boss commented that I had nice hair, and no one else at work. So sad. I need to meet more of my own friends. I'm sure I'll get comments. Haha. Well, my bro and mum loved it!

Ever since I started work, I've been wondering what I should do after work! I'm finally beginning to feel that sense of emptiness when all I can do is go home. I should get my butt off my chair and exercise!!! But I'm soooo lazy....HIYA. CANNOT!!! I MUST!!!

Fat.

I'm now red

For the first time in my life, I have had my hair coloured red. I've always thought I could only take brown and ash, not red. But surprisingly, it's quite nice! Haha. No photo this time cos the camera's with the brother, who's not in Singapore. I like my haircut too. It's quite funky again this time round. I hope I can replicate the styling that A did for me.

Oh yeah. A has been promoted, and therefore he has shifted to Marina Square. Guess I'll be going there quite a bit now. After the cut, I walked around a bit and found that I had nothing to buy. Despite the Great Singapore Sale. Maybe it was because I did not want to risk messing my hair while trying out clothes. Hee hee.

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Hair aside, my thighs are aching man. I'm old man. I spent like three hours yesterday drawing out a modified giant checkers board for my youths' groupwork session tomorrow. And my thighs are aching because I had to squat and get up repeatedly while drawing many many lines on 9 pieces of mahjong paper that I pasted together.

The youths are supposed to play human checkers tomorrow. And I've been panicking quite a bit because the game, while excellent to teach them useful pointers about decision-making, takes quite a bit of explaining. Was going through the entire game in my mind the whole of last night, developing rules for the game and anticipating problems that might crop up.

Thing about facilitating group sessions for these youths is to be really prepared for the session. They can be quite uncooperative and I have to make sure I deliver my instructions in a way that gives them no choice to make unnecessary comments.

Keeping my fingers crossed!

Twelfth Night

So it's the night of the twelfth day I've been at the new workplace. What are my thoughts? I wish I could say more, but for privacy's sake, let's just say I'm learning a lot about myself. My likes, dislikes, fears...Well, maybe I could talk about the part of the job that I like best...

It's the counselling.

Often times, I find myself feeling a lot for the person. And, always, after the session, I feel challenged. I kinda like this challenge. Because it makes me think. I like to think. In fact, sometimes I think I think too much. But that's another story.

Actually, somehow, I have a feeling that dealing too much with the youths at my agency is gonna discourage me from having kids. Because, really, as much as we say that family plays a big role in deciding how a child behaves, many times the child's personality plays a part as well. Ah well. Deeper thoughts like this will make me go nuts thinking.

I shall stop thinking tonight.

The Da Vin-SEE Code

During my bus ride to work in the mornings, I always see this mother and daughter sitting in the same seats near the back. Daughter looks like she's at most in Primary Three. Funnily, they always sit in separate seats, such that the aisle separates them. The other day, I overheard this conversation.

Daughter: Mummy, is it Da Vin-CHI Code or Da Vin-SEE Code? Da Vin-CHI right?

Mother: No. Wrong. It's Da Vin-SEE. C is for SEE.

Daughter (looking puzzled): But I thought I heard people say it's Da Vin-CHI?

Mother (very confidently): No. Wrong. It's Da Vin-SEE. C is for SEE.

Daughter continues looking puzzled.

Oh dear.

Taipei Travelogue Part 2: Looking for a piece of Jay Chou

So, at the behest of one of my travel mates, we went in search of Jay Chou's shop, Omni. After getting a bit lost, we finally found it. It's somewhere downtown of Taipei, along this street that's somewhat like Singapore's Ann Siang Hill where hip boutiques have sprung up recently. In the pic on the left, you will see young fans of the very famous Taiwanese singer-songwriter. They were also there - like us - to check out his shop. The neon pink car almost next to them belongs to Jay Chou and supposedly appeared in one of his mtvs (correct me if I'm wrong, Jay Chou fans).

This is the shop's interior. Omni sells high-end streetwear and casual stuff. It's got Marc Jacobs slippers, limited edition Nike shoes, a mix of guys' and girls' tees (can't remember the brands), underwear etc...

A set of Initial D (the movie) dolls also lined a shelf near the window. At first I couldn't recognise the characters cos the dolls didn't resemble the movie characters at all! And then I recognised the wooden slippers that the father was wearing...you know...the usually drunk father of the lead character that Jay Chou played? Yar, so there. A piece of Jay Chou during my Taipei trip. :) If only I saw Mayday!!!