Tuesday, November 23, 2010
hello world. haha. it's obviously a sign of boredom and procrastination since i'm here at 3.17am, having on finale programme running with minimal progress on the score. SIGH.
how random; i think i've kinda migrated away from this blog and although blog is no longer the in-thing, i still think it's quite fun to drop random comments sometimes! haha.
if there're still friends who happen to pop by, i hope you all are doing well!
and... drop me a hi on this thing called TAGBOARD! HAHA!
currently listening to spartacus.
from "very nice meh" for years, i'm finally having a more serious listen to it. to me it's not all a 'high' piece, but i like the strong supported lines, (i think it'll be fun playing the parts of this piece...), and more importantly, i liked the use of variable meters, that disrupt the aural stability from time to time!
okay. just hoping to get some inspiration for final composition - and i really wanna say GOODBYE to composition! OPPS. think i'm more interested in analysis (:
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3:17:00 AM
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Wednesday, April 14, 2010
haha. so weird, i'm back here again.it's a week before exams and i'm doing nonsense. goodness.
seriously, i don't want to do anymore modules. this will be the end of failing becuase anymore dip in GPA, i'm just going to die. literally.
ONE MORE LIT REVIEW, PHILOSOPHY PAPER
& STUDYING FOR MATHS PAPERS
& PRACTICE FOR RECITAL.
and that will mark the end of academic year2 for me. and heading on to year3, gosh. not too long to become a full fledge teacher - and for now, i just want to complete and CLEAR MATHS MODULES. and that's it...
end of this sem will be something to look forward to. thinking of buying another trombone case, and a TROMBONE! and.. start some serious trombone practising, and maybe learning of other skills.
looking forward to it, but now, it's back to mundane assignments.. and studying. ):
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4:46:00 AM
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Wednesday, February 24, 2010
another month's past like that. just a while ago i was all getting ready for cny (the big break after so long), going home for a good 5 days, and now cny is almost over - at least all the visiting. i am not a fan of visiting especially since i'm very distant from my relatives; but i just like the festive season, or maybe others would say all these festivals are being so commercialised. oh wells. good for the economy, then why not. haha. so yeah, my point being, we're not heading to end of february. another month of the year's gone, that makes up 1/6 of the year flying past like that. what have i achieved? nothing.
still not doing maths tutorials, although now putting in more effort i would say.
recess week would be a good time to - not for a break, but to catch up with all my piled up maths tutorials and assignments. have to clear all maths modules and leaving one more. quite sian of school already, or maybe it's because of this semester being a really boring sem. Don't even feel like staying hall anymore. nothing beats year1. seriously. ): i miss it. ha. and oh wells, i just wanna stay hall for ONE MORE SEM and that's more or less it. i wouldn't mind travelling for the lesser modules; and start appreciating staying at home - by then when school work wouldn't be soooo HECTIC since no more maths! haha.
okays, i'm bright awake since i slept for 8hours as early as 7pm. hah. win. to supposedly study for upcoming 10minute maths quiz. that takes more than 10hours of studying. and i barely did. good luck to me. and .. i just want to say, i really don't know what i'm doing in my life now. what then is the meaning of studying if i'm not doing it for myself, but the sake of doing it - but i must say, i'm beginning to do it for myself, since i have to. for any higher up reasons, i can't think of any YET. as for interpersonal relationships, i'm beginning to question what defines friends and acquaintances. and i'm slowly beginning to take it as a fact that band friends are not really friends. or at least for mine. i just can't help to sometimes think that people are out to make use of me, but then again, not that i'm of any value to be made used of. hah. oh wells. and.. on the other hand, what then defines a friend of MINE. perhaps, that's the more important thing. hmm, i don't know. maybe instead of doing things that i'm comfortable with, is it time to really seek something that i would really LIKE to do, or doing things for MYSELF for once. year after year, i'm just procrastinating all the things that i wish to do, end up i do nothing for myself, and all other things are also negligible.
well...
maybe it's time.
and i just want to say...
i miss you. i miss those times. i really do, even though things will never be the same again.
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5:38:00 AM
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Sunday, January 10, 2010
gosh. it's the new year once again and this is the dunno-what-year that i'm blogging an entry in a new year at this desktop. kind of miss the days when i was still in school uniform. i know i always say this. haha. okay.. after all those reflections and all, it's HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010! (although a bit late i know...) so yeap! i should just say, 2009 was pretty horrendous. even the reflections were not even complete or much in depth. but let's just say, i should move on... FOR NOW. perhaps one fine day or weekend when i choose to relax a little, then i would close those chapters fully - but i doubt that day would come by.
just had a band chalet with cj and it was pretty 'okayyy', more of like 'no comments' about how the whole thing went. strange encounters at the chalet though. plus it was pretty nice to see the other side of juniors and not-so-nice to hear some stuff that pissed me off. so yeap. what a way to end off everything. anyhow, this sem will just be school and ntuband (: haha. i SHOULD or rather, NEED to stay focus on where i am and what i'm doing. so ... good luck and all the best to me! (:
today (sunday) will be the last day of me being so carefree. timetable is pretty bad. three days of 830 and five day week (when i normally don't have any 5day week n not that many 0830 classes! and now i have both) but the good thing is school ends by 3.30pm except two days of really late afternoons. sigh - when this sem is supposed to be the slackest! that's if only i didn't have to redo aam104. oh wells. but then again, it makes time more worthwhile bcause if not i'll have one-lecture-a-day slot for 2 days. which is super unappealing. so now i'll just have to make GREAT use of my time during breaks and..WORK HARD!!! ((: and.. i believe i will do it! okay, back to the last day before school starts. now here i am, sitting at home (i don'tk now whether to use the word 'comfort' of my home) because it indeed is comfortable, a shelter yes, but something just lacks - warmth. and on a sidenote; i miss my friends..i really do. although weird to see them, i miss them but i know all those are the good old days. we've all moved on. and we WILL move on. therefore, all the best to everyone. so.. yeap!
will spend the last day of holiday doing some goal setting, moving back to hall and tidying up all the mess i have. will complete sojourn stuff tomorrow, and that's all that i have to do for sojourn - WOOHOO! (: and then it'll be time for practising! this sem's gonna be a recital sem - pretty scary, but the thought of back-to-lessons & practising is quite appealing because i really do want to play better. i think i should spend this time working on my registers and embouchure and slide + tonguing technique. so ambitious. but at least, as much as i can. after all, there'll be 2 concerts + alumni, if any in the first place i hope, and RECITAL. need to be more serious about my playing because i don't think i have improved much. and it's only when you're technically adequate, then you'll be able to try something more fun and ENJOY doing it. pretty fed up with certain things and arrangemnet and people, but i guess i just have to cross my own hurdle so as not to reproduce any sour-grape-feeling if those were the feeling i was talking about.
people ask me why i'm feeling so emo everytime and so often. i do feel so, but i don't know how to put any reason to it. trying to get out of this now, and i guess i will - after all, i doubt there's any one who is close and trustworthy enough to get myself out of all these shit and therefore, there's only myself to save myself. hah. i miss my friends, but i know none of them can help me. haha. so ... good luck to myself! hope i'd do something nice for myself tomorrow. probably.. go back to hall earlier and clear all the junk and relax + have a good night's rest before the 0830 lecture tomorrow! ALL THE BEST MAN! (:
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4:27:00 AM
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Monday, December 28, 2009
it's finally.. ALL OVER.all the gatherings, parties and celebration mood should soon come to an end as we say goodbye to 2009. not that i'm happy that holidays are coming to an end - maybe yes i do so that i can get into the regime of starting a new year, starting work and seeing CHANGE - but then again, more glad that i don't really have to 'entertain' people anymore. all the gatherings just make me feel that i'm there because i have to be there. i don't really enjoy the things we do, and the company just didn't seem right anymore. the birthday surprise was a pretty pleasant one, but to put it in a self-centered way and blunt way, it's quite none of my business and a part of me felt that i'm doing this not because i'm part of the group and we're all in this together but rather, i'm doing this because i know if i don't, others will be affected. argh.
i don't know if it's really me. seems like it though. that i really DO NOT enjoy social gatherings. or at least, not now, when i'm in a pretty emotional state. it just feels as if i'm in 'agony', waiting for the right moment to say 'bye, i'm leaving', but also not saying because i don't want it to seem rude. (although am already rude by not showing any enthusiasm?)..
i hate goodbyes, but somehow, i see a need for it because it is the only way to see CHANGE in my life. hope things get better.. (:
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5:47:00 AM
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Saturday, December 26, 2009
wow, it's almost half a year since i last typed an entry in blogger.com.... what a contrast from being addicted to blogging and faithfully spending at LEAST 2omin on blogging. but seems like i'm hooked onto no longer blogger but facebook and its micro-blogging fuction. haha.
anyhow, MERRY CHISTMAS 2009!
it's yet another christmas and time of the year to reflect on the year's achievements and growth. well, there's too much things to say, and probably there've been lots of ups and downs; but i guess more downs than ups personally. nothing much has been done although i had a busy year. or perhaps nothing much has been done for myself, after all the small little things i've been busy running around for. oh wells. on the other hand, while all the people around me have moved on and grown, somehow i feel that i'm still stuck in this little spot, and worse, not taking care of myself at all. seems like the older i get, the more i emotional the end of year becomes as years past. ha. the ultimate realisation is probably that i'm not taking good care of myself and doing things for myself. someone said that 'who your friends are will determine your life for the next five years'.. and i guess i'm pretty much experiencing it now, very much. and maybe it's really good to get out of this cycle. all the 'trying-so-hard' phase that ends up to nothing and then finally wanting to give up. and the whole cycle repeats. as much as people who are emotional can lament about such in their lives, i guess i'm now guilty of being in this vicious cycle too. there's so much emotions involved in the whole cycle.. being dedicated to complete a certain task/ simple promise, delight to see things moving, anger, sadness and tears and emo times all in all. it's just a cycle of... i don't know how to say - probably makes up the essence of BULLSHIT i'm collecting in my life. at least for the past year.
friends come and go. even if there's no someone true enough as a friend who appreciates the person who's 'as real as i appear to be', i'd rather not have friends, and much less, friends who just make you feel this sense of bullshit. maybe the term 'friends' should not be labelled then. but then again, is it that i face the same 'shit' all the years, or .. have i been too emotional and expecting too much all the time. it sucks even more knowing that the very place that kills you is the place that initiated the change. with all the opening up and crap. is short term happiness and a series of emotional rides on the extreme ends more desirable, or leading a life that is predictable and stable more appealing? at least, i know psychologically, i belong to the second category. if you ask me now; i don't know if i should be sad to say (although its a sad truth) that i don't know what i want now in life. i guess for the coming 2009, i just want to study hard, and whatever that comes - matters of the heart (for friendships) can take a step back. it's really no point trying so hard and yet others not giving a damn about you. all over it's like that. and why is it that the more band stuff i do anywhere, it doesn't seem to get better. you just grow to realise that the world is ugly. and not that i haven't already known that fact, but it just sucks to see conflict of interests in the very thing you enjoy doing most. when ideologies clash and all. whether or not projects have been intense, this year alone has allowed me to see through things. wow, so many things happened. sojourn (first concert with ntusb then..), sec school syf, jc syf, preparation to wmc, wmc trip, sem2, stepping down, elections, post-exam bands, tune-in etc etc. and now, preparation for two upcoming concerts next semester. and now, a change in role - no more pnp but spo. definitely a heavier workload and responsibility. and i've been a slack shit.
i just hope that come 2010; things will start anew, WE (whichever things i'll engage myself in) will start afresh, I will work a lot harder. and this time round, i can't afford to talk without actions or honeymooning any of my months. to make things better, i'm just giving myself a lil' treat by SHOPPING with the last half year's pay before year3 (if i ever get into year3; which i better..) and getting myself ready and perked up into the new year so that when school starts, i will be recharged and all ready to go (i hope). no more emotion rides and perhaps, i should learn to draw a line and distant myself emotionally from things again. seriously, the people whom you mix with really can affect your actions and emotions, let alone people who're complicated and doing complicated things just aren't going to make things any better. it's all about discipline and staying strong i guess. gosh, the word 'discipline' seemed to be so distant... and how i used to 'uphold' that in my earlier days in my uniform-school-days. why is it that the older i get, the less focused i'm (on myself).. and i just lose myself totally. maybe i still prefer the person whom i grew with within, rather than letting events and people drag me a path that i'm thrown to learn and take a certain set of learning lessons. maybe it's good to be taking care of people, but it's always best to take care of yourself before you can settle things for others, because when you really need someone, don't expect ANYONE in this world to be there for you as much as you've offered to lend that helping hand or person to stand by. because humans ARE self-centered. because everyone has different set of values. because people just simple don't CARE as much. enough time and emotions spent on others... it's really time to start taking care of myself.
not too sure where i am heading as i take the last steps of 2009, but i better be sure where i want to go in 2010. it's hard, but i guess taking on the struggle is the only way to keep myself going, and to do something for myself. after all ,the world's not going to wait for anyone like time waits for no man. ultimately, as much as i know i have done a lot this year everywhere for someone somewhere, if value is not added to yourself, achievement is thus negligible. or thats how people view people. who's going to care how much samaritans there are and the world's just too pragmatic for anything like this. and... i obviously am not that great and noble anyway, so i think i should just fulfil my own responsibilities in my own life.
shall chill out and hopefully weather doesn't go all too bad so that i can do the things i wanna do and end this year at least with a smile for myself. i guess i should keep writing because writing really keeps my thoughts in check - something that i've really lack a lot this year. it wouldn't take too long to just look back at each day to know what i've been doing. rather than walking through a path that's unclear. i still remember the light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel (lta) joke; and it just adds a whole new funny meaning to it. guess it'll bring a smile and a least a teeny bit of hope whenever this phrase pops in my head in times like this. hah.. oh wells.
friendships...do they count?
i really don't know. no point also. i guess it's all not that worth it and i kinda give up. time to be independent (not that i haven't been; but less emotionally giving/ attached).
a random thought of coming to blog before 2009 ends and it brought me a decently-long entry once again. and now, ending here abruptly as i snap out of this random thought and wanting to go to bed already! haha.
and to myself...(: take care.
and if anyelse's reading this...although i guess probably not...
HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY CAROLYN,
i miss you friend..a lot.. and there are so much times we just haven't really catch up.. there really has been a huge gap, but, vaguely or vividly i remember the times we got to know each other in that container-classroom, became friends, fought, grew and everything, at the end of the day, i really treasure our friendship even though we may not be the closest friends now, and i don't know how to explain this, but you'll always be one of my best friends i've ever had (:
and to someone-else-who-might-not-read-this...
having you as a best friend of 07 is one of the most wonderful things that happened in my life even if it was only something-else-centered then. i don't know if it was ever the same for you, but it was also a regret to have it 'titled' for 07 and i always wish that you could be someone i turn to through these emotionally-tough moments that i've been through. then again, i can only blame myself whether i like it or not, for putting myself through all these. i mean, it's not me to walk away of others, but things could really have been better, or so i believed, if someone was here to affirm me and stuff like that. argh. i could go on and on, but whatever it is, i guess having things like that would have been better for you, and i believe life for you has been for fulfilling and i truly am glad to know things are going fine. it's just weird to put things this way, but you did matter to me and i thought (in one of the rarest moments in my life this is happening..), you should know this (and thats if you're reading this). a lot of regrets and question marks for me because many times i remember our small conversations through msges or verbal ones. the irony of how i said that i'd not contact friends once separated (what a friend i am yes..) and you said you wouldn't allow that to happen, and turns out to be the one trying-so-hard-and things just don't happen. maybe life shouldn't have too many verbal promises that turn out to be empty huh. and.. even though technology allows communication to be one click or phonecall away, i would say, it just is different. whether or not things would change/ improve, i sincerely hope you're doing fine and good, and i just want to say, all the best and.. even though it was kinda short-lived, i never regretted stepping through the doors of where i did (for the second time...) and more importantly, being once close and having you as a friend.
and last but not least...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOSSES...
it's turns out funny to me that they've been the closest to me (not vice versa) the past year, and i don't know if it's really been a good thing or bad thing. have seen the painful and hardworking times you guys have worked towards, the tough moments and everything. sometimes, after all these, i really wonder if i've been a friend or a worker as much as i had the intentions to be a friend by being there. hah. every year it seems like the last year i would do this, but i just didn't eventually, and this year, i don't know if it'd be the last but.. things will definitely change. till then.. thank you for all the times, the help, the learning journeys and all the best for the next. take care.
and now.. for real, goodnight and goodbye (FOR NOW...) haha!
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3:42:00 AM
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Tuesday, June 09, 2009
sigh. so many things happened in so many months. and even in just a few weeks. so much to recover from, or to accept, and perhaps this is what people say, learning fast in life. oh wells. not that i've been through some major or life-changing moments, but even certain things that occur can really be an eye-opener, or rather, perceptions-changing moments. hmm..
after so long, i'm actually looking forward to playing somewhere i'm familiar again.
also looking forward to wmc.. seriously need to buck up and practise the parts so much harder. don't want to screw up although i haven't felt as much sense of urgency for myself about the competition yet. THOUGH i do see the need to buck up. perhaps not strong enough to push myself to action and thoughts then. i'm clueless about what i'm saying too. oh wells.. and i hope wmc will still be a fun trip :S.. hais.
AND..
i think i'm a little crazy. so much for being crazy, i think the more crazy i am, the more subconsciously depress i may be in. scary.. something i just felt recently. i wonder how true is that for every time i'm high. haha. anyway, besides all the serious band music, i reallyyyyyy am hoping for alumni to resume. i'm like dying to play NSB.. and i think it'd be great to play with people who enjoy it altogether, and, people whom you feel most comfortable playing the same kind of music with. although i know that when it resumes, another set of problmes or thoughts will come in. NEVERMIND, i'm still hopeful!!!!!
on the other hand, i'm happy being around the people i'm with now. i'm glad i've moved on.. so much faster, and handling things the right way. and i would see this as a positive growth to me as a person. although i also feel taht i should learn to keep my thoughts in check, like, i don't think i understand myself. i'm not emo. but i don't think i'm entirely happy with myself. but i do enjoy the current company. :D haha. YAY! then again, i miss the old days, even in such close proximity, the feeling and bond with different people around you are different although everyone's happy. but looking at the bigger picture, it's great everyone's happy. (: hmm.
and..i'm becoming NOCTURNAL AGAIN!
hmm, school sucks. i wish i have holiday the whole year round. didn't have school, but heading to school wasn't appealing AT ALL. or maybe because i've gotten into so much shit that i'm avoiding reality. haa. and no thanks to anyone who can help.
oh wells oh wells.
half the holidays' gone and i've accomplished..NOTHING. need to be more serious mannn!!
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5:07:00 AM
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Wednesday, May 20, 2009
there's so much to say.
but...
i'm so tired! and it's almost 7am in the morning when people are getting up for work today while i haven't slept for YESTERDAY.
haha. screwing up my own body clock and timing :(
oh wells.
till the next time i decide to update again...
hopefully soon.
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6:44:00 AM
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Sunday, April 05, 2009
oh yeah. it's the syf season once again. so happening.. haha. or should i say, this year is a different perspective altogether. how we used to be so preoccupied with what-we-will get and now seeing schools go on stage and perform one after another. 101 overtures! haha. and it's amazing to feel nothing for the school you don't know about, and to be hopeful for some schools, especially to those you feel attached to in some way or another. hmm. will be excited to listen to crescent play this year, especially when i didn't hear them much or help out this year. hais. oh wells. but no matter what, i'll still be proud of them. and the trombone girls (: haha. they're doing fine...i believe, and hope! haha. anyway, aes's banja was really good! i mean, i enjoyed it. i just feel that it was such a pityyyyyyyy. and for some reason or other, i actually felt sad that it was such a pity or affected for the band. HAHA. then again, we know where we truly belong to, and at least they made an improvement! hmm. haha. well, then again, the end of a competition always means a lot more. means an end to something else. guess it's only after cj's syf that i feel like that..similarly for confuoco n nbc. haha. oh wells. hmm. it's been almost a year already! the trombone boys are so cute! haha. seeing them progressed from bandexpressions to BANJA LUKA. wooahh. hmm. i think they'll go far with this band programme if they continue to work hard. haha. oh wells. anyway, it's not even my school!
the last day of the semester went just like that. two more days of syf to catch and i'm going to hibernate and do my last-minute study liaosss. quite worried for NUMBER THEORY, but no choice have to conquer it. and music portfolio - no choice but to finish and submit it. arghh. sian. another essay to go and i'm good to go study! arghhh. can't wait for next wk to be over then everything should be more fine. or so i hope. haha. hope i dont fail for maths and have decent grades for the rest of the modules mann.
and then gosh. my recital! haven't touched trombone in such a long while.
and yeahhh. when all these are over...i'll GLADLY welcome my holiday!!!!!!!!!!! :D
but there'll be band intensive...
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3:48:00 AM
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Monday, March 23, 2009
hmms. i'm such a lazy bum. forever wanting to change template - i attempted and i gave up. haha. oh wells.
okays, so how's life been. i'm having this MONOlogue -.- but anyway, life's less breathless now cos i'm quite glad i'm more on task now. i mean, i've finally cleared up my maths tutorials - actulaly no, i meant, for those that i need to submit. and.. actually talking about this made me realise i've so many things undone. argh. the only consolation is that semester is ending, which also means holidays' coming (YAY), but also means exams are coming (shattt.. i haven't started studying anything in preparation for EXAM yet...for maths i mean) and.. also means that deadlines are coming! (yay to having assignments SOON to be completed, but means the great inertia that i have to overcome starting them.) so..everything has a good and bad point to it. oh wells. i will try my best to complete them - and once again, i think this semester is indeed CUI and well, i'm not even aiming high. but of course not a pathetic grade for my maths too. so that's my main worry.
it's scary how time flies and realising this fact when you get older. we're now 1/4 way through 2009 when it seemed not long ago i just entered uni/ when it was nov holidays and xmas and new year count down. but there goes jan, feb, and soon to be march! gosh. and.. once again, this marks the SYF year. it's been two years but it seems like 5-6 years since my last syf. with crescent maybe, but well, all the hardwork we went through. or THEY went through for roman fest and all... buried history soon. this year, i'm directly or indirectly involved in syf. seeing schools prepare for it..you do feel the excitement, worry and anxiety with and for them. hmm. not so much for crescent. i don't konw if it's a psychological thing that i choose not to care after i've learnt to let go. maybe it's true that when i really let go, i do so eventually. haven't gone back to crescent in a very long time (relatively). looking back, sometimes after a major event like a concert, i feel that i should have spent more time with the kids, and done a lot more. then again, when the time is here, i don't even make an active effort to do certain things. somehow, the motivation is just not there. teachers say that i'm foreign to this new batch, which i believe so - because scanning through the people, i realise i dont recognise many faces. i've also grown more distant. PLUS it's not helping when the culture is that they're not very open to people. you really can feel the distance when you see them and see the kids at other school. somehow, i like looking at sec1s in crescent because...they'll smile at you even when you enter the school. HAHA. oh wells. i'm not so in love with crescent anymore, or rather, not so OBSESSED, although i once loved the times i was in school. i still miss being a crescent-girl. haha.
back to band.. went back a couple of weeks ago and i realised how much things have changed. it's like...across singapore, so many schools are buying tuners, not doing intonation but..PURE INTONATION. that's like.. so much more advanced! and.. the first time i hear a chord ring in CRESCENT! went back again just last week. see i can just not go for a couple of weeks, not even for the day camp. oh wells. anyway, yeah. missed the exchanged which i heard they didn't play very well for. went for the exchange at anglican last saturday, and after all these, i felt more human. after all the times that i thought i should stop caring, and i felt that i WANT to care once again. haha. what an eventful day indeed. went home on friday night from hall thinking i'd take the bus from crescent (FREE TRANSPORT) with the girls, and then they went off without me after i reached school 3minutes they left. SO SAD. and there goes $15 for cabfare! met mrschua and followed the band to the band room. reminds me of bandrm at ctss. but yeah. they had a review, and while mrschua was going through the list, there came a point when her eyes went red and she just broke down. soon, one by one the girls started sobbing as well. i was just shocked to see mrschua cry. it's definitely not some kind of drama we try to create and all the things she said, i could really tell she spent a lot of time and heart with crescent, compared to how certain schools see her once a week. the events she can remember one by one etc. and she mentioned about how the alumni worked really hard to build up this band. haha. sounds like what would be said in cj. but oh wells, looking around me, we were the only alumni, but i recalled the days we worked hard back then. how the 2001 to 2003 went, and the days we were all so committed and ALL-FOR-THE-BAND. i wouldn't say we worked as hard or harder as some schools (esp those military ones), but the times we spent, the emotions felt, i guess it was a different story altogether. i still love the movement-for-rosa times. haha. yeah anw, back to today, i see how much the band has changed. it's quite sad to not find as committed members (i mean i reallyyyy respected my seniors back then. but seems like there're no more clones of them), knowing some people coming for social reasons isn't that encouraging, although deep down i know that everyone loves the band for some reasons or the other. and i see how mrschua became firmer over the years - somehow it's quite sad. anyway, seeing her cry today was really upsetting.i don't know. besides the touching-syf-days when we'd all tear together, this was probably the second time i saw her cry for the band. :( i was quite sad and all the times that i've recalled definitely made me feel for the band even more. suddenly i feel like an ex-GIRL rather than an ex-member from cj. there is a difference. haha.
anyhows, the exchange went on and the girls played pretty well - or better than i expected especially after the breaking down incident. i'm proud of them - for picking themselves up and putting up a good performance and seeing how their spirit is building during these crucial times. How their eager faces tell me they really want to improve and change and make full use of the upcoming two weeks - i believe that if they keep their spirit strong, continue to help one another, they'd definitely achieve the expectations mrschua and us (the teachers and alumni) have for them. hmm. and perhaps because of this spirit, that made me feel like helping them adn working with them towards their goals (: and even though i graduated for quite long..i would still say, WE can do it! haha. even though times have changed, sometimes seeing the 'spirit' at the crucial moments make you remember THE crescent spirit. haha. anw the kids do a cheer which was quite funny. hope the girls continue to work hard. honestly i really love mrschua because each time she speaks to the band she's really very motivational. and inspiring (to me). haha. the growth she's brought me through and how she make you look at the big picture each time, i think i hardly find someone who makes me think that way. and each time (esp aft i graduate) i listen to her speak, it's like a wake-up-call from the things that we've overlooked. maybe whatever you do... and wherever you go...it's really good to remember where you came from.
and on the same morning, i missed another exchange cj had. and i was glad i took a cab down to anglican in the end for crescent's exchange because.. presence already made a difference. and i made the right opportunity cost. oh wells. a few days ago i was just quite unmotivated by all the people i see in every bands and their attitudes. but that day was like a change. hahaha. gosh. the cj-trombone section was trying to be funny because of a misunderstanding. then again, it was nice seeing them after so long. i don't know the state of the band - which i always never wanted to comment either, but hope they'll work equally hard for their goals too. haha.
went back to ntu for ensem practise - which is damnnnn cui! i've always hoped to have an opportunity to play for ensem. but i think i really cmi. but i'm also thankful i get the opportunity now. so much for wanting to give up - once again, nothing is planned. but well, i guess there really is a big platform for learning by staying in ntu band. for me as a musician and trombonist at least.. post-sojourn party was.. haha. i don'tk now. went to kope food only. some practising and knowing how cui i am. but..seeing all these bands make me want to be a better musician in band so that as to better motivate/teach people. haha. oh wells. so, i hope i practise harder. i need to rebuild my tone once again, and get into the mood of practising EVERYDAY!!! arghhh. recital's in one month's time. i'm like so shittttt.
once again, i'll end off so randomly. haha.
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1:30:00 AM
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Wednesday, March 18, 2009
this blog is on its way to decomposing ..
sigh..
life's kinda depressing. i don't know.
such a lousy semester. academically and socially. it's scary how time flies and how work gets accummulated. stressed, but i'm trying ... HARD to clear all the that i've piled up. it's definitely not a good feeling. why do i always get this whenever i enter a new school.. argh. the next academic year has got to be better. i seriously need a break. looking forward to my semester break! and HOLIDAYYYY. (: woohoo.
anyway... I TRIED THE XENO!! ((: and i liked it a lot. like what my tutor said, i think it suits me. haha. i'll save up.. and there's so much things i want to do. i haven't been saving up man, and there goes one year of salary! gosh. and... the worse thing is i don't even know where i've spent on. hmm, anyhow, i want to get my own set of instrument and stuff in time to come, SOFT CASE. - then again, the xeno case is more than sufficient cos it's much lighter than stradi. and yeah. all these probably can happen after i transfer to BA. i've lost interest in mathematics. not really, i like doing maths, but not PROVING maths, which is what tertiary level maths is about. hmm. and i feel like going back to piano, because i need the avenue to vent my emotions on, because i don't think i like doing it on the trombone. figured out that i like piano as a solo instrument and trombone as an ensem instrument, thus band and ensems. and, i want to learn driving. haha! and start saving up and planning my finances soon.
i've a masterplan!!!
HAHA. -.- as if.
i mean, it really feels great and motivated to know what you want to do. and... i'm glad i know waht i want, whether or not i may take this route eventually. at least, it keeps me sane now, instead of telling myself i'm stuck in this system for almost another decade. BUT it's okay! suddenly, i think friends matter a lot to you. probably because of my one year staying in hostel. sigh, i'm going to move home soon. well, all in all, hostel life is a great experience. not really hostel life, but more of life living alone. i'm so used to it. these two sems have been quite contrasting. how i used to try to juggle school and outside life. not that i'm not doing it now. anyhow, it's sad to know that friends whom you know in school end up being just school friends at the end of the day. maybe what we learnt at AKLTG was right - the people whom you hang out with will determine your achievement in the next 5 years. i think i better choose the right group of friends. haha. not that i've found a really great support and i guess i'll probably not find it in the next lifetime. nie music group is fun, i really am thankful for the great seniors i have, but disappointed to know how shortlived certain friendships can be. OH WELLS.
time to not care and sleep again.
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3:24:00 AM
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Saturday, February 21, 2009
woohoo. i'm back again! haha. i just feel it's rare whenever i enter blogger nowadays so..yeap!
finally survived through the 7 weeks of term, and it's mid terms AKA RECESS WEEK! woohoo. but less play and more catching up. seriously man.. i'm so lost ): and yeah.. finally finished with all the elearning reports and ICT wasting-time report! i'm giong to do badly for essays this sem. just hope the remaining majority of the marks can be earned in the next term!
finally done with sojourn stuff...left with BANNER and.. yeap!! (:
CONCERT!!
first concert with ntu band, and first SERIOUS concert AFTER leaving cj. that's like super long. mixed feelings. it finally struck me to realise i haven't played anywhere seriously except cj after so long. and.. even if it's cj, it is only alumni. hope we can deliver and i can play my best! and it's also the first concert after going for lessons! hahaha. come to think of it, it's like ntu band feels so new, yet, i'm in it for like half a year already!!! so unknowingly probably cos of the breaks and all. and.. we're going to step down soon from our duties. but actually serving the band's quite fun especially having a group of fun people to work with. section is getting more fun! and remember how anti-social i had been at the start. but now i enjoy practices (: ... except for the trudging TO AND FROM hall to NYH with the heavy bach case!! but gonna buy softcase soon! woottsss. hahaha. and.. i really have the urge to buy a xeno!! but i think i'm running broke even with my salary. sighh. so i shall UPGRADE MY TROMBONE PLAYING feerrrsstttt. have been SO SLACK i think i'm a more commited band-trombonist than a trombonist myself. have to work much harder after sojourn!!!
argh.
and i better buck up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
)):
okays.
quite excited and anxious about sojourn! hope i can survive through the major pieces. hoho.
and really thanks to all those who're coming to support!! :D
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2:17:00 AM
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Thursday, February 05, 2009
yoohoo.
yeahh, i'm on my eeLITEEBOOK. finally colleceted our com and it's in use fully. haha. i think after suppressing the stress, insanity is coming to me. haha... oh wells, everywehre's been stress. school work's piling up, sojourn is coming up and lots of other stuff that is yet to be done.
oh wells.
it's so tough to be financially independent ): i only feel outflow but not inflow when it comes to income.. SIAN. how am i supposed to save enough to buy XENO. not even in time for my own 21st birthday present. sighsigh. better start saving up, like seriously.
Sojourn's coming up and pnp side has been reallyyyy busy! aarghh. but well, it's almosttt done and i'm so sorry to all those people who have to tahan with my last minute requests and stuff. I'm quite glad music part is catching up, finally bothered figured out the tenor-clef parts and.. i'm back to enjoying playing the trombone ((: yeahhh. alumni side's getting quite boring. i miss playing pop and nsb! but sinfonia festiva is quite nice THOU.. but i still hope we can play nsb soon! hahaha. i'm such a slacker. School work sucks man. maybe it's just me who's not been feeling very well, i don't know. but i guess i have so much to catch up.. for every aspect. haha. oh wells. okayyy, just so random.
time for school again....
good bye folks.
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1:49:00 PM
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Monday, January 19, 2009
i'm so out with blogging, but so bored that i come back to blogging. sigh, so many things happening, and we're end of week 2 of sem2. actually come to think of it, it's only like less than 16 or..whatever is the number (i'm lazy to count) to end of sem2. which means..END OF YEAR 1. i can't believe it man. i used to think uni is a longggg 4year course and things like that. but i guess it's the year2 going year3 that will be more dreading, so, we'll leave that when it happens. but well, school has started yes, and tutorials this week. i'm still waking up late, and stoning whenever i'm in hall. just had my first band camp with ntu band, and it's obviously not as hectic as the ones we used to have in cj. i would say, it's just additional night practices and that's it. oh wells. but time to work really hard - musically or not, for sojourn. i mean, i hope that i would do my best as a performer for this concert, instead of just reading parts and just playing "dots on papers" on stage. i mean, that shouldn't be the way, or at least, shouldn't be what MUSIC is about. on a more positive note, i'm beginning to open up more in ntuband, liking it more i guess as i get to know more people (:
alumni finally resumed after two weeks. didn't seem all that long, but somehow, i think in cj, if you miss one practice and things like that, it will seem like you've miss a big deal of things. sight-read belkis, and i don't know is it because we don't have the full instrumentation, but i totally was not able to appreciate the piece. i don't even find a single part that is nice, and what sir claims - "VERY GLORIOUS..." at this one part, erhhh, i think none of us actually agreed. i think roman fest would be a better choice though. el cam was quite okay to play, ponyo was allrights. i think it's really a different feel playing in both bands. oh wells. anyhow, it's either that i'm an angry person yesterday, or whatever, i just feel that i'm beginning to lose faith. maybe it's just me - that when i am okay with everything, i can have a lot of believe in something, and when something fails, it will affect me in some way or another. perhaps, i just give up. musician temper lah huh.. hahaha. as if. one week ago, i had so much faith in this band, and hoping to do more. but now, it's the opposite. i don't know if it's the fluctuating and/ or dwindling number of people in terms of attendance, or the comments that people have passed, or it's just me. or maybe when i'm happy, i can make do with a lot of things - i accept better, and when i'm not, i get anal with everything. hah. oh wells, i used to question our band culture a lot, and then accepted it, and now i think it is the way things are done that has consequences and it's such an irony when we try to find 'solutions' to these 'problems'. i wouldn't comment on main band because i haven't been through the programme especially with this batch, but as of now, i just think that people here are just motivated by the wrong reasons. why do people come back only when there is a confirmed date to perform, or when their friends are back. how much do all these then tell us about what they have brought back when it comes to music-making. oh wells. kinda miss the old alumni section. now's just back to the stabat-section. oh wells. i don't know. from cj alumni to combined alumni and now, opening its doors to guest players. how great. but oh wells, if we want the music aspect to improve, i guess there must be compromise on some things, and more often or not, these are the ones that are not ranked as important. okay, i think i'm just passing the phase called anger? i don't know. well, i'll be okay, and i think no matter what, i'll still do my part or what i can for the bands i'm in, till the day i really give it all up.
i better start catching up on school work - actually there isn't that MUCH as of now, i guess i just need to get into the momentum by having a timetable.. argh. i'm beginning to dread trombone lessons because i know i'm playing rubbish during lesson and trying to correct these rubbish on the spot when what i can do is simply to sit down and practise more. easily said, but i think it takes a lot of discipline to really sit down and not-play-rubbish. still tryingg. and my tutor doesn't seem all encouraging at this point of time. maybe it's a wake up call - aiyah, everything's just me. i'm not trying to be emo. but yeah, i just hope i'm not. so many things have happened, and sometimes i really wonder if all these experiences i had in life are actually planned by myself. i don't think so - and somehow life seems to oppose whatever i thought. end points may be the same, but usually the case - the process is not what i expect. yes, i grow in terms of gaining experiences and seeing things in different perspectives, but sometimes, it really makes you wonder what have you been doing all these while. and now, i'm just wondering if i've been spending time with the right group of people. then again, we shouldn't judge who we call call friends as to whether they are "RIGHT" or not. ohwells. i mean, yes, i learnt a great deal, had a lot of fun but it just seems that everytime i choose to believe in a friendship or someone, things just happen and i'll lose that faith. it's an irony how people get me to open up and it's these very people that make me disappointed in them. i don't know if my expectations of people are very high - honestly, i don't even expect people to do things for me. it's not about return, but basic appreciation and RESPECT for people. maybe i ought not to care so much for people such that my intentions and actions aren't those that people can easily brush them away after caring for a great deal. well, then again, i never thought i'm a saint. maybe relationships among people are just so fragile, it can make or break anytime. even back to school with friends didn't seem all that fun anymore. i don't think it's because of the lack of time for each other, but i think there's more to it. be it my perceptions and expectations have changed or whatever. oh wells.
this week's been a really tiring week. and i realised how exhausting it is to be angry haha!! oh wells. yeap. hope next week will be better.
PRESS ON!
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1:48:00 AM
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