CNY sadness

I was kind of sad earlier. 

It is CNY right now. I was speaking to an auntie and passing her a red packet and asking her to give it to her grand daughter who was not there at our family gathering today. 

She told me to pass it to her myself personally. I told her it will be tough because it is unlikely that I will see her myself. And it is more likely she will see her compared to myself. 

Then she told me that she seldom see her too. That nowadays she seldom gets to see her son as well and she has not seen him for a while. I asked her don’t he visit her at all? She said he seems busy. Sometimes he will call and meet her. But that does not happen often. And she does not get to see her grand daughter during those times. 

I felt her sadness when she said tbat. This auntie of mine is one of my mum’s sister. I grew up with all my cousins. We used to be quite a close bunch of cousins until we grew up and each of us drifted. But growing up, I see that although naggy and all that, this auntie of mine bad brought up her kids well. They are a responsible pair of parents. 

I heard gossips saying that there is some misunderstanding between my auntie and her son’s wife. There’s talks of the son not even visiting when my auntie was hospitalised for stroke. And many other stories that is one sided since I doubt I will ever hear the version from the son, that speaks of how the son and his wife were not so nice to the parents after having the kid. 

I don’t know what caused her kids to do this to them. Her eldest son goes around borrowing money from everyone. Her second son got married and kind of drifted away from them after he has his daughter. We are saying that it is lucky that their daughter is at least still filal. 

Being a parent now, I felt sad when I think of my kids maybe treating me this way many yrs down the road. I will probably be super heart broken if that is to happen. So it is really very sad while talking to my auntie earlier. Sighhh… 

Work trip

Even though not much of a view, at least I get a rare chance to nua at the day bed. I wanted to have a day bed at my place but no space to have it~ so yay~ consider dream fulfilled! Hee...

Stop for a while

The timer of the walking time bomb seems to have stop for a while. I guess I am relieved. But yet I am also worried at the same time when will the timer will start ticking again. Sighhh...

Random Musings

At first I was wondering at the rate I am sleeping away my leave, will I sleep my dark eye circles away. Then insomnia hits. 😫

Lost

生活就只是过日子而已

I saw a red flag in my health last year. It has been more than 1 year since I had been under medical treatment for it. Not the conventional treatment doctors will prefer for me to undergo though. 

There seems to be slight improvement to my medical condition. Not anything to jump for joy over though. Sometimes I wonder, by delaying the "rightful" treatment, does it mean that I am actually making myself walk one step closer to the grave as I drag on the treatment? Does it mean that I should only expect to live for another 5 years only? Or maybe I am left with even less number of years to live. Since I may need to start counting the days when I was first diagnosed. If I am really only left with 5 years, what is there that I want to do before I go? Is this really the way I want to end my life? I actually don't have an answer. 

To be honest, for me it is really more of like 生活就只是过日子而已. Like I said before, maybe it is because I lack of a motivation or purpose in life. I do not have any ambitions to be a career woman. I just need a job to pay my bills. I don't need a career. 

I did wonder before how important are friends to me. To be honest, I am quite selective of friends. As in real friends. I can claim to be friends with a lot of people, but at the end of the day, there are only a handful who had seen me for who I am. A handful who still have me actively messaging them or calling them to check on how are they. If I am to die one day, will I regret not keeping more friends close to me? I think probably not. What is the point of having so many friends around when they are not people who are there for you when you need them? 

At the end of the day, I really do not know what I want out of my life. Sounds very 没志气 right? But that is really what I feel. Sighhh... 

Time flies~

Time flies~ As in really flies... It had been more than 1 year since I started the treatment that till now, am not seeing much progress on. I have no idea how long do I need to continue with the treatment or maybe even how long I can continue the treatment for. Let's see how it goes bah...

I am in the new job for more than half a year! Getting quite used to it now. There are tons of process that the company has, which till now, is still foreign to me. Boss is loading me with more stuff to handle now. Plus we took on an additional sub region stuff so things are definitely getting more busy for me. Colleagues in this new company is pretty nice. Of course there are those who are eager to perform, but to me as long as they do not come and kajiao me, I will still be the nice person whom everyone thinks I am. They have yet to see my claws. :P

Mum suffered a minor stroke a few months back. It is lucky that she was alert and managed to identify the symptoms early. She was in the hospital plus Community Hospital for around 1.5 months and is currently back at home recuperating. She is able to move around fine, just slower. We accompanied her for shopping at Giant last Sat and sis said she was really happy. I guess maybe I should go back and spend more time with her. That said, our whole family had put a ban on Khoo Teck Puat Hospital. The service is really terrible because she was stuck without a bed for 4 days and we were kept giving false hope, saying she will get a bed the next day. That next day never came because we transferred out to Tan Tock Seng. TTSH is much better at managing expectation and was able to give her a bed the next day. Much better environment too.

I have been getting in touch with a few people that I thought I won't ever be. I just met up with my JC  classmates whom I had not seen ever since we graduated. It is nice looking back at all the stuff that we done in school. Too bad some of them were unable to make it.

Sometimes I am really quite amazed by the vast improvement of technology. I can still remember when we used dial-up for internet. MIRC, ICQ. Those stuff have more or less been obsoleted. New technology and social media did help me catch up with people I otherwise would not have been able to. Like I was speaking to this guy whom I got to know through an online forum many many years ago. It was like in the old days. Let's see who else will I get to catch up with. Any surprises. :)