So our 7th year marker went by last April and I
didn’t post. Not sure why. Not sure anyone even is out there but that is
ok. This is more for me as much as
anyone who may still read it. It’s
funny – I didn’t really think I would blog anymore. Not because this had ended with HTA but just
because the urge to document and write had ended on some level. But then the urge hit me again.
I’m currently going to travel soon to HTA’s city. I’ve seen him twice in the last 6 months for
a few nights each time so that has been amazing. Overall this year I think this is probably
the 4th time I’ve seen him . 7
½ years as I write this. Wow.
So much has changed but yet remains the same.
What is different this year?
It’s all on the table. There were
things he had not been honest with me about.
Things he didn’t outright lie but was never forthcoming with and I
finally brought it up last fall around this time. He immediately told me it was true – no hesitation
on his part and we had a long discussion as to why he was not honest from the
beginning. I’ve alluded to it on this
blog but not going to rehash it here but it’s not criminal or horrible. It’s nothing that directly impacts me but
always really really bothered me as to why he had not been upfront from the
beginning as it would not have made a difference either way. It now explains why he has chosen to handle
similar situations that occurred later in life the way he did and it kind of
was the missing piece to the puzzle in me figuring him out a little better.
He’s had the same girlfriend for about the last 4 years. He said he will never get married but that
she wants it. I’m not sure if she thinks
he will change his mind? I don’t see it
happening. He readily admits he’s not a
good boyfriend (and that is not in relation to him cheating on her) and is
quite content by himself and does not the feel to always have “someone” in his
life. That part I don’t really
understand is how clear he has been to her on this and if she really has the
message he doesn’t see it in their future.
I also wonder if she is waiting for the youngest to graduate and then the
need for the separate houses, etc would end and she thinks that would change
something. I don’t claim to understand their relationship
but apparently it works for him and it works for her. It doesn’t threaten me because it has never
changed what “this” is. I do find it interesting though.
Where are we? The chemistry – the connection. It’s still all there. I love our connection – the sexual
chemistry. How I still get nervous
before I see him and am a little standoffish at first like I’m afraid to get
too comfortable How each first kiss upon
seeing him again reaches gives me butterfly’s again - how he makes me literally
gasp when he enters me for the first time after not seeing him for a few
months. The electricity it creates. How he can get me to places where I literally
become unintelligible in what I’m saying to him. All our silly conversations and jokes that
we have that live on forever. Hanging
out with him on just watching TV and being “normal” in that it is not all
sex. We talk weekly sometimes more but
usually via text. I know enough of what
he has going on in his life but not everything.
I tend to be more of an open book.
I need to work on that on some levels.
We are not Facebok friends which I think is good. There is still a line drawn in the sand about
how much I want to share from a day to day perspective. I know
it would bother me to know more details of his day to day and where it involves
his GF.
What is next? Not
sure. I will have multiple opportunities in the coming 4-5 years to be within 3
hours of him and how much I make an effort to get to see him on my own dime is
completely up to me. I think it will be
more frequent but for only a night or two.
As I’ve said in previous posts “it is what it is”. I don’t want it to end. He is important to me, it’s more than sex but
will never be more in terms of relationship than it is right now and I’m still ok with that. Having him in my life is all I need right
now.
I leave you with this.
I have always been obsessed with his hands. I couldn’t resist getting this picture. He just shook his head at me…he doesn’t get
it but humors me.
