Four Years

April 17^th, 2013

Today marks 4 years of “this” and HTA.  I went back and read my first post and every subsequent anniversary post.  Not all are available on this blog due to changing blogs midstream and going private so let me recap :
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First Post – Spring of 2009:
The Beginning:
I'm having an affair - its emotional on some level (because I believe all women tie some small amount of emotion to sex) but really the majority of it is about the sex. The unbelievable hot dirty mind blowing sex that I have with him. I didn't know sex like that was possible. I've debated for quite a while about writing about this and finally after reading quite a few blogs that are similar in nature, I decided why not?

So a few things...

·         I've been married for 15 years, been together for almost 21

·         We have children

·         I do love my husband – he is not perfect but I love him

·         I'm not perfect either

·         He is the only one who ever made me orgasm until meeting "HTA"

·         This experience has done more for me on many different levels than I ever imagined possible

·         I have no illusions of leaving my husband for HTA - I see it for what it is and what it has done for me

·         I don't feel guilty in terms of my husband

·         I do feel guilty in regards to my family

·         I think about him and sex with him all the time. I know I'm playing with fire....

I met HTA on a girl’s trip to another city. I had no intention of hooking up with anyone. I had never cheated on my husband before. The end result of a lot of sexual frustration in my current situation as well as a LARGE amount of alcohol attributed to us having sex. I don't regret one single moment of it. And it was just not any sex - it was hot dirty raw sex that spanned numerous times over that weekend. I will never think about that city without thinking about HTA and what we have or had if it comes to an end one day. I will never regret it.

As I said above, no man has ever made me come except my husband (which has become less and less frequent) - HTA pushed me and continues to push me to an edge that I have never experienced before. I don't go a day without thinking about him, thinking of him kissing me, licking me, rubbing me and fucking me. I literally crave him.

Since that trip through a series of events, we realized that I travel about 4-6 times a year to a location that is within a few hours of him. Whether it’s me driving to him or him coming to see me - since that fateful trip almost a year ago - we've managed to see each other a handful of times. The sex never gets less intense or amazing and we live over a thousand miles apart.

One Year Anniversary – 04/17/2010:
I met HTA a year ago today. Who would have known that one drunken hookup a year ago today would lead me to where we are now.
After the AM fiasco that I blogged about - I just spent time re-reading all my posts about HTA for some insight. I needed perspective about what was driving me to seek something I'm not getting at home.

As I re-read about how we met, how it has progressed and our history in general. All the details that become dimmer as time goes on, they are now so vivid in my mind. It's amazing how much things have changed on different levels. Initial entries were all about the attraction and tension and raw hot sex and while we still have amazing incredible "oh my god" sex - there is so much more now to our connection. I still don't go a day without thinking about him, fantasizing about our next visit, his arms around me, his lips, his touch.

I have to reflect on what he has done for me on a personal level. He makes me feel desirable; sexy; uninhibited and free. He makes me feel alive. He listens to me and doesn't immediately assume I need him to "fix it", he's supportive, he's complimentary, he's in my cheering section and is proud of me for my career achievements (not threatened like my husband).
Even if this ended tomorrow, I won't ever regret the time I've had with him as it really has made me a stronger person in how I view myself and feel about myself and understand what I deserve and have the right to.

This post was a lot harder to write then I expected it to be because it really makes me see what I need, what I was seeking in signing up with AM and the fact that HTA is it. I must remind myself to take it one day at a time, it is what it is. 

Two  Year Anniversary – posted on 04/18/2011:
Over the weekend marked two years since I met HTA and I can say - a year ago, I wasn't sure how long it would continue....and here we are another year later. I can still say that I don't know how long but for whatever it is - I don't regret one second.

I reread my one year anniversary blog and I can say that everything I wrote there - I still feel if not more.

Three  Year Anniversary – posted on 04/17/2012:
Today marks the 3rd year from when HTA and I met. I've been debating coming back from going to a private blog and think today is as good of day as any all things considered.   I probably will not repost all the history but things with HTA continue and I'm completely grateful for the fate that occurred 3 years ago, 1000 miles away that brought us together for what should have been a one night stand. I saw him just recently - I still get butterflies when I first see him, the chemistry is still as HOT and intense as it ever was and I still feel this empty gut wrenching void when I leave him.

He has become my sanity and escape for my current situation....the thought of this stopping is honestly too much for me to think about some days even though physically - we don't see each more than 5 times a year - the communication is almost daily . I think that says much for what our relationship has evolved into in that it’s beyond just the physical.

A day at a time and it is what it is.

Today – 4 years later – 04/17/2013

So much has happened in the last year – the drama in his world –me seeing a side of him that I had not before despite the picture I had in my head and wanted to believe.  How fundamentally different we really are but yet so many things in common – how different our “real lives” are from each others. Not necessarily one bad vs. one good - just different.  The aspect of the possibility of him having another child he has never told me about (which I still can’t begin to understand).  The fact he is “dating” someone and has been for 6-7 months now but yet this continues with me with no end in sight.  I have ever known where this will go  – I still don’t.  I wonder why we still have this connection and what draws me to him despite all I have learned over the last year.    But I still don’t’ regret this or him and the thought of him not in my life on some level – I can’t fathom it.  

He still makes me smirk, he still gives me butterflies, its still amazing when we are together and I still value and need him outside of the physical aspect of what this is.  

I will see him again in a few months – I’ll be there for longer then I normally am.  I’m not sure if that is a good or bad thing.  Being subjected to someone’s real life obligations and reality isn’t as fun as what is contained within the hotel walls and during the time I spend with him avoiding reality.  I’m just going to keep going at the pace it is – no pressure – no expectations just letting it be exactly what it has been the last 4 years.