MeAninGLeSs...

10.15Pm SuN 8th Dec 2013 iN E rOoM

Feeling very sad now... and got worsen after reading the last post I had in here... which is on the topic of Tim Tim's death...

Been trying to hide my tears from mama for e whole day... cos didn't wanna her to worry... but I can't help it... tearing as I write here...

Things seem a little depressing lately... not sure whether it's PMS or life becomes meaningless... little things in life that happened which frustrated and sadden me... makes me think that to stay alive is so meaningless and probably it will be better off ending it... I had done my thorough evaluation on this topic... I weigh e pros and cons of living... and apparently e cons outshine e pros... I am sick of handling politics... sick of human and human relations... sick of parents constant quarrel and complaining separately to me... sick of caring for e parents to have them careless for their health... sick of seeing parents aging and deteriorate in health and there isn't much I can do to help... sick of friends belittle and taking me for granted...

I tried to search for a purpose to live and excite myself... however sadly there isn't... e thought linger in me lately that should I go with my parents if they are to leave this world one day... cos now I only wanna accompany them and make life as good as possible for them...

Today I am also sad that I had fall out with my frens... sad that they don't understand my perspective and they haven't tried standing in my shoe to understand how I feel... or probably I have been over sensitive... honestly I am not sure...

I hereby promise myself that I will try to search for a purpose to live... and to be happy...

TiM TiM...

12.46am TuE wEE mOrn 10th Jan 2012 iN e RooM...

On 8th January 2012... my beloved dog Tim Tim passed away... she suffered from fits on the night before ard 10+pm.... i was away at a fren's bbq and mama gave her a stronger dosage of medicine... it did calm her down from fidgeting vigorously and we all thought she will be alright after a while as per previous encounters... all of us went to bed that night and e next morning... mama went to check on her to realise that she is still fidgeting slightly and her condition isnt any better... it was nearly 9am then... i struggled up to bring her to vet and i was still rather calm... guess i was mentally prepared on 2 contrary theories... one being just another fit encounters she experienced and she will be fine after seeing e vet... another will be that she is in a serious condition and i may lose her...

At e vet clinic... Vet said that her condition is serious and they put her on oxygen mask + giving her a power jab to stop e fidgeting and she was immediately calm... but she was never conscious after sufferring from the fit that night... which makes me very very sad... that i couldnt see e last conscious her... Tim Tim had to stay in to have her condition monitored by e Vet... Vet said either she will discharge & go home at 4pm or she can get admitted to e pet hospital... at that time... i was still very calm and told vet that i may arrange either my bro or sis to come pick Tim Tim up... however at 2+pm... Vet called to say that Tim Tim had relapsed twice and had a total of 3 jabs but still fidgeting... Vet adviced that i should go down and see her last time then let her go... At that instance... i felt sad and started crying...

Im very glad that brother was with me to go through all these... we went down to e clinic and saw last of Tim Tim... she was lying there fidgeting slightly... unconscious and all sulken... so heartaching to see her in such state... we tried to tok to her and pat her... then Vet asked whether we wanna witness it and we said yes... Vet then brought her out of the cage and put her on the table... gave her a jab of yellowish solution into her dripping tube outlet... and almost instantly she went motionless... gone... Vet said they will do all e necessary arrangements to get Tim Tim cremated and then called us to collect her ash... i was crying on and off as bro was occasionally making jokes of the cat which was in e cage beside Tim Tim's... he had lightened up the atmosphere by alot... and im thankful he's there...

it was e saddest experience in my years of living... though i had lost a few pets during growing up and been sad over BGRs plus many more... but this is e most painful of them all... Tim Tim has been with me for 17 years and she's been part of my growing up... i then came to realise that how actually one feels when one grieves...

it's like you will never see it anymore... and e thoughts makes u sad... e memories of it makes u miss it & saddness sinks in... e photos of it makes u sad too... i cried almost e whole time on sunday despite trying to be rational by going to color my hair... to continue with my life and not letting my grief hold me back from things i had to do...

Decided not to cancel my appt with my frens e next day after work... and so i cried to sleep on sunday night... e next morning i woke up with super puffy painful eyes... didnt actually feel like going to work but still i drag myself to work as i had to visit Malaysia factory + a dinner appt at nite... thought i felt better as e day went by without much difficulty... thought i was more emotionally stable after sunday... but i was wrong as once i reached home... i felt sad... small little things remind me of Tim Tim... her sleeping corner... her green bowl... e memories of her walking non-chalantly into my room and pass me when i was sitting on e floor... she's like police patrolling the premises... and e other times when i would purposely wake her up in e middle of e nite and got her to accompany me to kitchen while i brush my teeth as i was scared... and e other time when i failed my O Level English and i was crying on e floor... she came over and used her paws to crawl my legs signalling me not to cry... and e other times where she will suddenly stand up and walk out of e room while mama, sis & i were chatting away... we reckon she found us too noisy... so many memories...

Wanting to let and go move on... but it just isnt that easy...

SiNFuL AcT

3.41pm iN e OffiCe 29 oCt'10 fRiDaY

Very affected... had to end somebody's 'life' again today.... thought i do have grown out of e emo state of mind... but apparently i didnt.... or maybe its due to e fact that this is different from e previous one.... guess each case is unique on its on...

It's been weeks since this matter surface... e relevant party spoke to me for advice & action.... i did my part... but he drag to decide... and so i let it hang there for a while as i got busy wif other stuffs... until this week... a decision has to be made in order to move on...

He came to me & said he will need me to check wif others whether wanna continue to give continue to e lifespan of that somebody.... sad to say... those that i approached... rejected me... as according to what i know... her existence has been an issue since stone age... and somehow this time... she didnt manage to survive e disaster that she created....

He felt bad to make such decision but he has no choice... he got support from e relevant authority... and jus now together wif him... we broke e news to her... to end her 'life' here....

i heard that she has a history of mental illness (i think its depression)... everyone who know about e decision are concern about her mental health... and i was worried all e time before we meet her...

She sat there quiet after she was told... motionless... head looking down on e floor... sad face but composed.... but when e news started to digest in her.... she weep.... then followed by crying... i tried to console her but to no avail.... it breaks my heart to see her cry.... however i have no choice... its part of what i do to earn a living... finally she accepted her fate... free me from e misery to see her cried in front of me and yet i can do nothing...

She left e room wif me and him experiencing super heavy heart... a strong touch of guilt & agony... and shortly after... he left too in a :( face... for that moment i thought i could contain my emo... but i was wrong... as another him walked in offerring me bread for tea break and another she offerring me coffee... i lost myself.... emo went out of control and i was weeping... how unprofessional...

guess i will have to put in extra effort to manage my emo... to be detached..........................

sAd mE...

mOn oFFicE NiTe

8.38 21pm iN e OffiCE 18 Jan 2010 MoNdaY

Felt e need to write here now... to stablise my emotion... as e age catching up on me... i felt tat i lost my self control... getting less detached to things...

I dunno why... why do i still feel sad even though i've concluded tat i do not like it... guess its e sub conscious emo tat ve gotta e bonding built up... im in e stage of moaning...

Dictionary
Come to grief ~ to suffer disappointment, misfortune, or other trouble; fail.
Example ~ Their marriage came to grief after two years.

As sadness sinks in... i tried to push it away but struggling till i saw a fren came online msn... i prompted him hoping to seek dissolve e sadness in me... he is having his dinner... but i pleaded to continue jus so tat i could ask my qns... n i went "will u lend me ur shoulder to lean n cry if i need it one day?" n there goes e ans "sure"... which lightens up my heart... less sorrow...

Shall end here & head home... where warm n comfort belongs...

dArK mOnDaY

28 Sep 09 mOn aT hOmE 10.08pm

Had a tough day today... its aint any where near PMS... but it jus felt dark... e only word tat comes to my mind when im in search of a description for my Monday...

Lots of things happened today... some caught me by surprised although sub-consciously i knew im expecting it... its jus a matter of time for it to take place...some re-surfaced to make me realised tat i ve yet to get over it... n tat i aint as strong + cool as i think i am... after all im still an ordinary gal who has feelings... some encounters tat exhausted + saddened me for jus trying to play e role of a fren... some existing circumstances which seem rather magnified negatively under such dark monday tat i reacted drastically n ended up affecting others...

Felt like crying but aint gonna do it... using every strength i ve to hold back myself as i am not ready to break down into tears... dun really know why but i guess i jus dun like e feeling of crying at tis moment... as it makes me feel helpless... defeated... weak... emotional...

So e only way out to tis mental release is to write here... virtual diary aka blogging... helps me take away e sorrow & misery in me without bothering another human being...

*Taking a deep & long breath*

eMo...

15 Jul'09 Wed In office 5.34pm

Feeling lousy lately... emotional downside... dunno how to describe... seems like every thing is not rite... every single piece of it is upsetting me... i dunno why... feel a sense of sad.. unhappiness... n also disappointment... cant bring myself to face it... feels like running away... go catch a breath... i dunno whether its me who changed or is it e other side... i can take it no more... aaarrrrgghhhh!

i hate having my emo riding on a roller coaster... e feeling sucks n it makes me tired... unhappy n not focus... time will wash it away... as i type on.. i wish for it to take place fast...

A peaceful heart is simply wat i ask for... tats all...

WeePinG...

6th Jul 2009 MoN 4.04pm In e office...

Can hold it back no more... tears roll down my eyes as i read on... cant control my emo... i felt sad n i felt bad... i keep asking myself... wat i witness is right or wrong... or there isnt any right or wrong... its all gotta do wif human relations...

many a times i asked... why ppl ve to behave like tat... am i getting more emotional as i age... as last time i wasnt like tat... in e past... i dun cry easily outside... im more detached... but now tat i look at myself again... i think otherwise... felt helpless... out of control... i dun like tat kinda feelings... sense of guilt... unjustice...

was weeping in e office moments ago... right in front of my LCD screen... felt so lousy.. out of control... emotional... weak... managed to pull out of e situation after chatting wif e Js'...

emo on a roller coaster...