7.5.14
2.5.14
lying in bed at 1.47am thinking certain things like
i want to started sleeping and waking up earlier so that work will not be so difficult when it rolls inevitably around
i also want to stay up late and read and watch shows and do whatever i want
tomorrow i want to exercise but i probably won't. i also want to go and buy certain things like coconut oil. i am cooking dinner at night for 8 people so i have to think of a recipe.
i quit my other job. exam results are out in a month and i have to maintain my grades because of my job condition.
i also want to lie down in a corner of a library and read a really, really good book. if the book is not really, really good i will just feel bored and irritated
today i toyed with the thought of giving $10 to every uncle/aunty who wants to sell me tissue paper... except when i don't have change, which irritates me whenever i want to tip the uncle at SPC filling my car's gas..
today i told Gus when i see anybody over 60 i immediately feel like they deserve special attention and love and nothing bad should happen to them ever.. embarrassed to admit that i empathize with the captain of the south korean ferry. i mean i've had my share of feeling so helpless and shocked at what happened tbh it feels so unreal. it must be one of the most fucking heartbreaking things/stories/events i've sort of 'passively' felt in the past few years, i mean how could it not be? they were so young
but i guess it's just... if you were the captain in that split moment i'm sure it isn't easy to say 'i'm going to dive into the pits of this ferry and give up my life to save all these kids' even if it is the right thing to do... what about the other thoughts.. 'i have a wife and children and they depend on me' things like that you know. maritime law seems a little demanding on that front, i actually never knew they were expected to do that, go down with their ship if it comes to it
but ok if they're investigating other things like negligence then ok i just feel uneasy about the other part of him abandoning ship
i mean i feel... u can blame it on human weakness but not human intention.. murder was not anybody's intention, and things happen, and u just don't know i guess. when this kind of misery overcomes you i guess u need someone to blame and u can't blame God can u. seems like a semi-blasphemous statement i just made but i also felt a little frustrated when i typed it
was talking to shawn while we sneaked a stick in the arts carpark int he other day, i said, i'd rather die than wait to die, and he said, don't say that you definitely don't mean it, in any case, you don't live for urself you live for all ur family, ur friends, so on... he also said, you feel upset because you see death as an end to life but it isn't.. it's something that's just part of life... essentially you are as much alive right now as you are dead.
also the day before the news about the ferry broke i was with sandra and nut and we were talking about death as well, imagining if a tsunami came what would you do and what way would you rather go - quick or slow.. everybody tends to say quick and i think i used to say that, but nowadays i feel i want to go slow because i just want that chance to say what i have to say to the people i need to say it to, settle my shit before i go
i read that most of the bodies recovered had broken fingers from trying to claw their way out of the flooded ferry and it was one of the most upsetting things i ever read i think
i want to started sleeping and waking up earlier so that work will not be so difficult when it rolls inevitably around
i also want to stay up late and read and watch shows and do whatever i want
tomorrow i want to exercise but i probably won't. i also want to go and buy certain things like coconut oil. i am cooking dinner at night for 8 people so i have to think of a recipe.
i quit my other job. exam results are out in a month and i have to maintain my grades because of my job condition.
i also want to lie down in a corner of a library and read a really, really good book. if the book is not really, really good i will just feel bored and irritated
today i toyed with the thought of giving $10 to every uncle/aunty who wants to sell me tissue paper... except when i don't have change, which irritates me whenever i want to tip the uncle at SPC filling my car's gas..
today i told Gus when i see anybody over 60 i immediately feel like they deserve special attention and love and nothing bad should happen to them ever.. embarrassed to admit that i empathize with the captain of the south korean ferry. i mean i've had my share of feeling so helpless and shocked at what happened tbh it feels so unreal. it must be one of the most fucking heartbreaking things/stories/events i've sort of 'passively' felt in the past few years, i mean how could it not be? they were so young
but i guess it's just... if you were the captain in that split moment i'm sure it isn't easy to say 'i'm going to dive into the pits of this ferry and give up my life to save all these kids' even if it is the right thing to do... what about the other thoughts.. 'i have a wife and children and they depend on me' things like that you know. maritime law seems a little demanding on that front, i actually never knew they were expected to do that, go down with their ship if it comes to it
but ok if they're investigating other things like negligence then ok i just feel uneasy about the other part of him abandoning ship
i mean i feel... u can blame it on human weakness but not human intention.. murder was not anybody's intention, and things happen, and u just don't know i guess. when this kind of misery overcomes you i guess u need someone to blame and u can't blame God can u. seems like a semi-blasphemous statement i just made but i also felt a little frustrated when i typed it
was talking to shawn while we sneaked a stick in the arts carpark int he other day, i said, i'd rather die than wait to die, and he said, don't say that you definitely don't mean it, in any case, you don't live for urself you live for all ur family, ur friends, so on... he also said, you feel upset because you see death as an end to life but it isn't.. it's something that's just part of life... essentially you are as much alive right now as you are dead.
also the day before the news about the ferry broke i was with sandra and nut and we were talking about death as well, imagining if a tsunami came what would you do and what way would you rather go - quick or slow.. everybody tends to say quick and i think i used to say that, but nowadays i feel i want to go slow because i just want that chance to say what i have to say to the people i need to say it to, settle my shit before i go
i read that most of the bodies recovered had broken fingers from trying to claw their way out of the flooded ferry and it was one of the most upsetting things i ever read i think
1.5.14
graduation
so apparently i've graduated, i'm no longer a student and will never be in my entire life unless i make the conscious decision to go back and become one... but it feels weird now, education is something that i will 'return' to and not 'go forward' with any longer. to the extent that i internalize that education is a privilege, i'm honestly extremely sad to see this institution fade out of my life... even though majority of the time i did not enjoy studying, i can't deny that i've learnt so, so, so many things that aren't mere facts, theories or arguments... things that translate into real life values and shape the way i view life, which is why education is so important
find it hard to be optimistic about moving into my next phase in life. it's scary and uncertain and i can't be sure that it's one of my life's 'ups' as of yet which makes me hesitant in a thousand and one ways. i think for awhile i'll still be trying to hold onto the emotions of uni life, especially of my last semester... i'll miss everyone so much, i can't believe how enjoyable school became, i wish i had this for all four years. yet like i said if four years of loneliness was to lead me to this one sem of great fun then i guess it was all worth it. for a long time i haven't felt this way about anyone besides Gus, the feeling of i don't want to lose you please can't we stay a little longer.. i mean i really like these people
find it hard to be optimistic about moving into my next phase in life. it's scary and uncertain and i can't be sure that it's one of my life's 'ups' as of yet which makes me hesitant in a thousand and one ways. i think for awhile i'll still be trying to hold onto the emotions of uni life, especially of my last semester... i'll miss everyone so much, i can't believe how enjoyable school became, i wish i had this for all four years. yet like i said if four years of loneliness was to lead me to this one sem of great fun then i guess it was all worth it. for a long time i haven't felt this way about anyone besides Gus, the feeling of i don't want to lose you please can't we stay a little longer.. i mean i really like these people
4.4.14
today i was thinking or at least asking myself, why do i constantly have to struggle between grasping or internalizing a lot of 'pretentious bullshit' that floats around and being that person who labels things 'pretentious bullshit'? or at the very least i wish i could decide for myself, some kind of foundation upon which i truly justify everything i like or not like...
in the prose below it says 'the difference is between what we love and what we say we love' and i can't stop thinking about how true that is and why does it matter so much
is it necessary for you to be the same person with every person you meet? can you not have multiple dimensions and have them all be you? sometimes i can't tell what i really love and it makes me feel like i'm immature and stupid
what does it mean that i enjoy poetry and string orchestras and writing emotional blog posts like these to feel better? sometimes i see that some people don't give a shit about this and get by fine. i like to imagine that the years i've spent somewhat investing in the tools for articulating my emotions, even the extremely vague, cloud-like ones, have given me some sort of release... Gus is something like what i'm trying to describe, never worries about things like his identity or about questioning the normative standards for human interaction... he just is. but sometimes i wonder if he lies awake at night feeling something uncomfortable in his chest that he just can't figure out. i think even if it did happen it doesn't happen to him that much. so much so that i envy him i guess.
sometimes i feel like i cannot take a lot of things that strike me about him for the truth -- he is very good at hiding things. even after 5 years i feel that it is difficult to navigate him, but for some reason he always manages to tell me what i'm feeling before i even open my mouth
i think sometimes in life you will get a false sense of growth and maturity but in actual fact the circumstances have just aligned so as to usher a 'smooth' period of living for you... in actual fact you simply have not faced another event that is the real judge of your growth. the consequence is that one day you will realize u haven't grown at all and that u are still as shitty as u were before, but that one day is the one day where u can start to climb higher... speaking from personal experience
wondering if i have to be embarrassed about shitty insecure opinions like this .. that's fucked up tho why do i have to be anything
also i just read that street line painters (painters who paint your road lanes and signs on the road) get paid 60k a year in the UK... insane
i get excited thinking about going back to europe sometimes
in the prose below it says 'the difference is between what we love and what we say we love' and i can't stop thinking about how true that is and why does it matter so much
is it necessary for you to be the same person with every person you meet? can you not have multiple dimensions and have them all be you? sometimes i can't tell what i really love and it makes me feel like i'm immature and stupid
what does it mean that i enjoy poetry and string orchestras and writing emotional blog posts like these to feel better? sometimes i see that some people don't give a shit about this and get by fine. i like to imagine that the years i've spent somewhat investing in the tools for articulating my emotions, even the extremely vague, cloud-like ones, have given me some sort of release... Gus is something like what i'm trying to describe, never worries about things like his identity or about questioning the normative standards for human interaction... he just is. but sometimes i wonder if he lies awake at night feeling something uncomfortable in his chest that he just can't figure out. i think even if it did happen it doesn't happen to him that much. so much so that i envy him i guess.
sometimes i feel like i cannot take a lot of things that strike me about him for the truth -- he is very good at hiding things. even after 5 years i feel that it is difficult to navigate him, but for some reason he always manages to tell me what i'm feeling before i even open my mouth
i think sometimes in life you will get a false sense of growth and maturity but in actual fact the circumstances have just aligned so as to usher a 'smooth' period of living for you... in actual fact you simply have not faced another event that is the real judge of your growth. the consequence is that one day you will realize u haven't grown at all and that u are still as shitty as u were before, but that one day is the one day where u can start to climb higher... speaking from personal experience
wondering if i have to be embarrassed about shitty insecure opinions like this .. that's fucked up tho why do i have to be anything
also i just read that street line painters (painters who paint your road lanes and signs on the road) get paid 60k a year in the UK... insane
i get excited thinking about going back to europe sometimes
"Ten Things I Need to Know"
Richard Jackson
The brightest stars are the first to explode. Also hearts. It is important to pay attention to love's high voltage signs. The mockingbird is really ashamed of its own feeble song lost beneath all those he has to imitate. It's true, the Carolina Wren caught in the bedroom yesterday died because he stepped on a glue trap and tore his wings off. Maybe we have both fallen through the soul's thin ice already. Even Ethiopia is splitting off from Africa to become its own continent. Last year it moved 10 feet. This will take a million years. There's always this nostalgia for the days when Time was so unreal it touched us only like the pale shadow of a hawk. Parmenedes transported himself above the beaten path of the stars to find the real that was beyond time. The words you left are still smoldering like the cigarette left in my ashtray as if it were a dying star. The thin thread of its smoke is caught on the ceiling. When love is threatened, the heart crackles with anger like kindling. It's lucky we are not like hippos who fling dung at each other with their ridiculously tiny tails. Okay, that's more than ten things I know. Let's try twenty five, no, let's not push it, twenty. How many times have we hurt each other not knowing? Destiny wears her clothes inside out. Each desire is a memory of the future. The past is a fake cloud we've pasted to a paper sky. That is why our dreams are the most real thing we possess. My logic here is made of your smells, your thighs, your kiss, your words. I collect stars but have no place to put them. You take my breath away only to give back a purer one. The way you dance creates a new constellation. Off the Thai coast they have discovered a new undersea world with sharks that walk on their fins. In Indonesia, a kangaroo that lives in a tree. Why is the shadow I cast always yours? Okay, let's say I list 33 things, a solid symbolic number. It's good to have a plan so we don't lose ourselves, but then who has taken the ladder out of the hole I've dug for myself? How can I revive the things I've killed inside you? The real is a sunset over a shanty by the river. The keys that lock the door also open it. When we shut out each other, nothing seems real except the empty caves of our hearts, yet how arrogant to think our problems finally matter when thousands of children are bayoneted in the Congo this year. How incredible to think of those soldiers never having loved. Nothing ever ends. Will this? Byron never knew where his epic, Don Juan, would end and died in the middle of it. The good thing about being dead is that you don't have to go through all that dying again. You just toast it. See, the real is what the imagination decants. You can be anywhere with the turn of a few words. Some say the feeling of out-of-the-body travel is due to certain short circuits in parts of the brain. That doesn't matter because I'm still drifting towards you. Inside you are cumulous clouds I could float on all night. The difference is always between what we say we love and what we love. Tonight, for instance, I could drink from the bowl of your belly. It doesn't matter if our feelings shift like sands beneath the river, there's still the river. Maybe the real is the way your palms fit against my face, or the way you hold my life inside you until it is nothing at all, the way this plant droops, this flower called Heart's Bursting Flower, with its beads of red hanging from their delicate threads any breeze might break, any word might shatter, any hurt might crush.
Richard Jackson
The brightest stars are the first to explode. Also hearts. It is important to pay attention to love's high voltage signs. The mockingbird is really ashamed of its own feeble song lost beneath all those he has to imitate. It's true, the Carolina Wren caught in the bedroom yesterday died because he stepped on a glue trap and tore his wings off. Maybe we have both fallen through the soul's thin ice already. Even Ethiopia is splitting off from Africa to become its own continent. Last year it moved 10 feet. This will take a million years. There's always this nostalgia for the days when Time was so unreal it touched us only like the pale shadow of a hawk. Parmenedes transported himself above the beaten path of the stars to find the real that was beyond time. The words you left are still smoldering like the cigarette left in my ashtray as if it were a dying star. The thin thread of its smoke is caught on the ceiling. When love is threatened, the heart crackles with anger like kindling. It's lucky we are not like hippos who fling dung at each other with their ridiculously tiny tails. Okay, that's more than ten things I know. Let's try twenty five, no, let's not push it, twenty. How many times have we hurt each other not knowing? Destiny wears her clothes inside out. Each desire is a memory of the future. The past is a fake cloud we've pasted to a paper sky. That is why our dreams are the most real thing we possess. My logic here is made of your smells, your thighs, your kiss, your words. I collect stars but have no place to put them. You take my breath away only to give back a purer one. The way you dance creates a new constellation. Off the Thai coast they have discovered a new undersea world with sharks that walk on their fins. In Indonesia, a kangaroo that lives in a tree. Why is the shadow I cast always yours? Okay, let's say I list 33 things, a solid symbolic number. It's good to have a plan so we don't lose ourselves, but then who has taken the ladder out of the hole I've dug for myself? How can I revive the things I've killed inside you? The real is a sunset over a shanty by the river. The keys that lock the door also open it. When we shut out each other, nothing seems real except the empty caves of our hearts, yet how arrogant to think our problems finally matter when thousands of children are bayoneted in the Congo this year. How incredible to think of those soldiers never having loved. Nothing ever ends. Will this? Byron never knew where his epic, Don Juan, would end and died in the middle of it. The good thing about being dead is that you don't have to go through all that dying again. You just toast it. See, the real is what the imagination decants. You can be anywhere with the turn of a few words. Some say the feeling of out-of-the-body travel is due to certain short circuits in parts of the brain. That doesn't matter because I'm still drifting towards you. Inside you are cumulous clouds I could float on all night. The difference is always between what we say we love and what we love. Tonight, for instance, I could drink from the bowl of your belly. It doesn't matter if our feelings shift like sands beneath the river, there's still the river. Maybe the real is the way your palms fit against my face, or the way you hold my life inside you until it is nothing at all, the way this plant droops, this flower called Heart's Bursting Flower, with its beads of red hanging from their delicate threads any breeze might break, any word might shatter, any hurt might crush.
28.2.14
this is the most unproductive recess week i've had in my four years of university
been doing yoga ~fairly~ regularly
after yoga i feel like i have a strong body that i'm starting to be more thankful for
can't wait for the day i can touch my toes with my knees locked
i don't even know what that feels like other than pain
always thinking about a lot of things but when i blog i forget everything
o rite
life is changing
great
literally i can't imagine what life will be like 1 year from now. i feel so afraid and so apprehensive about the future and if i could sum it up in one word, it is: helpless
but i guess i should be excited about things to come
i told gus once university ends and work starts i don't even understand what there is to look forward to
feel like the next thing that will excite me a lot is when i get pregnant maybe which is years away
in between then it just feels like i'm saving money for that moment, weird
gotta start forcing myself to feel happy with the present
feel happy with the people around me
feel happy with the things i can do with my brain and my body
grad trip plans altered drastically because of work
feel pretty sian about it but have adapted and come up with a different plan
my #1 priority for grad trip is to snowboard as much as i can
have been looking up year-round ski resorts and found that they are all located in europe
might make a trip back there just for snowboarding
can feel that my excitement to snowboard outweighs my apprehension at flight + cost + whatever
also want to get my own snowboard because i can't help but think that it might be my last proper snowboarding trip and i don't want to do it with some shitty ass rented board that has zero flexibility
also if i have my own board maybe in the future i will be reminded to use it and take trips and have fun instead of being weighed down and worried by work and life in general
something i actually really like doing is driving around with music i love at the moment playing really, really loud especially songs with super beats and bass
songs that perform exceptionally well in this situation are songs that make me feel like snoop dogg the most
god i really have nothing to talk about nowadays bye
been doing yoga ~fairly~ regularly
after yoga i feel like i have a strong body that i'm starting to be more thankful for
can't wait for the day i can touch my toes with my knees locked
i don't even know what that feels like other than pain
always thinking about a lot of things but when i blog i forget everything
o rite
life is changing
great
literally i can't imagine what life will be like 1 year from now. i feel so afraid and so apprehensive about the future and if i could sum it up in one word, it is: helpless
but i guess i should be excited about things to come
i told gus once university ends and work starts i don't even understand what there is to look forward to
feel like the next thing that will excite me a lot is when i get pregnant maybe which is years away
in between then it just feels like i'm saving money for that moment, weird
gotta start forcing myself to feel happy with the present
feel happy with the people around me
feel happy with the things i can do with my brain and my body
grad trip plans altered drastically because of work
feel pretty sian about it but have adapted and come up with a different plan
my #1 priority for grad trip is to snowboard as much as i can
have been looking up year-round ski resorts and found that they are all located in europe
might make a trip back there just for snowboarding
can feel that my excitement to snowboard outweighs my apprehension at flight + cost + whatever
also want to get my own snowboard because i can't help but think that it might be my last proper snowboarding trip and i don't want to do it with some shitty ass rented board that has zero flexibility
also if i have my own board maybe in the future i will be reminded to use it and take trips and have fun instead of being weighed down and worried by work and life in general
something i actually really like doing is driving around with music i love at the moment playing really, really loud especially songs with super beats and bass
songs that perform exceptionally well in this situation are songs that make me feel like snoop dogg the most
god i really have nothing to talk about nowadays bye
9.2.14
feel like blogging more today
(procrastination?)
i don't know
when i read my past blog posts i feel like i've written better things then
then i start to wonder is it because i was sad and lonely
i suppose to some extent it's true that when you feel happy and content
you don't necessarily feel that urge to sort of
explicitly articulate the very depths of what you're feeling
because you don't want to deconstruct happiness
you don't need to sort of rationalize your joy to make sense of it
you just feel it
gus is at a movie with my sister and my dad
i didn't go because i have a lot of work to do
yet here i am blogging
lol
i wonder who still reads this blog??? if any
i have a lot of work to do
so does the fact that i have nothing to blog about mean i'm happy?
wrt a previous post i wrote about having to consistently watch yourself and be vigilant ina rresting bad thoughts, and how tiring it was... i don't think i do that anymore, but i don't know if it's because i've stopped having bad thoughts, or because i've just let my guard down? there are certain traumatizing things that i still think about everyday which i wish would stop, but it certainly doesn't affect me as much anymore. but i notice that i've also stopped thinking certain things that i used to remind myself of all the time, self-affirming thoughts. is this because i've internalized these thoughts? or have i retreated to a state of forgetting that these are things i should do?
i hope i don't sound conceited when i say this
but i've come to appreciate myself for who i am a lot more now
i mean that i can look in a mirror and have more good thoughts than bad
or i can see myself in a photo that in the past i would've hated, and be ok with it now
i think
the picture in the post below this -- i would've never posted it before
but now i'm ok with it. i actually think i look nice
i think it's ok to think that
probably it's sad that it took 22 years to reach this state of semi-acceptance
i just thought to myself 'i like myself more now but i wonder if other people do?'
but these are the thoughts that you have to kill
i felt a moment of fleeting liberation when i subsequently thought 'who cares? only you should care'
(procrastination?)
i don't know
when i read my past blog posts i feel like i've written better things then
then i start to wonder is it because i was sad and lonely
i suppose to some extent it's true that when you feel happy and content
you don't necessarily feel that urge to sort of
explicitly articulate the very depths of what you're feeling
because you don't want to deconstruct happiness
you don't need to sort of rationalize your joy to make sense of it
you just feel it
gus is at a movie with my sister and my dad
i didn't go because i have a lot of work to do
yet here i am blogging
lol
i wonder who still reads this blog??? if any
i have a lot of work to do
so does the fact that i have nothing to blog about mean i'm happy?
wrt a previous post i wrote about having to consistently watch yourself and be vigilant ina rresting bad thoughts, and how tiring it was... i don't think i do that anymore, but i don't know if it's because i've stopped having bad thoughts, or because i've just let my guard down? there are certain traumatizing things that i still think about everyday which i wish would stop, but it certainly doesn't affect me as much anymore. but i notice that i've also stopped thinking certain things that i used to remind myself of all the time, self-affirming thoughts. is this because i've internalized these thoughts? or have i retreated to a state of forgetting that these are things i should do?
i hope i don't sound conceited when i say this
but i've come to appreciate myself for who i am a lot more now
i mean that i can look in a mirror and have more good thoughts than bad
or i can see myself in a photo that in the past i would've hated, and be ok with it now
i think
the picture in the post below this -- i would've never posted it before
but now i'm ok with it. i actually think i look nice
i think it's ok to think that
probably it's sad that it took 22 years to reach this state of semi-acceptance
i just thought to myself 'i like myself more now but i wonder if other people do?'
but these are the thoughts that you have to kill
i felt a moment of fleeting liberation when i subsequently thought 'who cares? only you should care'
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