this blog is dying

i read so much nonsense from everywhere i constantly feel confused
that is the internet's doing
currently playing a game called 'how long can i sit at starbucks without ordering a drink'

things i have thought:

people always find some kind of beauty in sadness and fear or the futility of life or its meaninglessness... it's beautiful to be sad. it's human not to be happy. there is wonder lying in the crevices of the irreparable cracks in our lives. to be intelligent is to be sad, is to be depressed, is to be REALISTIC of the cruelty that surrounds us. i've always thought this way, that when i was sad, it was something to be proud of, it was something that marked me as part of some emotional intelligentsia to which the likes of plath, woolf, bukowski, huxley, eliot and so on, belonged. i would read blogs of people who wrote constantly about feeling displaced and lost in life, of being constantly bogged down by the difficulties in life, who glorified this idea of 'the struggle' and made it a badge of honour.

i don't think that it's wrong to struggle, of course not. i don't think it's wrong to be sad. everybody can't be happy 100% of the time, especially not when life's hard knocks come and get you. but i think i'm going to stop looking at this image of the body hunched up in a corner in sadness as something that is inherently 'beautiful' or 'wonderful'. there are certain 'sad' things that are beautiful, no doubt, but certainly, when somebody is depressed or feeling lost, there isn't anything beautiful in that.

i wonder why we don't place being happy on a pedestal instead. is it because it is so much easier to feel sorry for yourself than to face your issues, or take a leap of faith and say, 'i'm not going to be sad anymore'? why don't we try HARDER to be happy? all these beautiful, sad people... aren't they just people looking over the brink in fear, too scared to open their lives to the possibility that sadness isn't all there is? or that sadness is NOT the inevitable ideal? isn't being constantly critical of everything wrong in your life greatly undermining everything GOOD that the universe gives us?

i simply can't reconcile this anymore. i keep feeling like the longer i let myself feel sad and upset, the more i'm cheating myself of everything good in this world. good people, good food, good music, good places. i feel like sad people are sad because they want to belong. because sad people 'get' other sad people. it's an easy way out, instead of trying to look for belonging in places that lie beyond shying away from your problems, instead of constantly validating your own fears by thinking that there is beauty in your sadness. i can't believe the number of times i have felt genuinely happy, only to smack myself down by thinking, 'you can't be happy. you have to be sad. that is what you are and that is what you have to show and be'

SADNESS DOES NOT EQUAL BEAUTY

that is not the way people should live! i am tired of feeling like i am important because i am sad. i am selfish for feeling that. the thing about sad and beautiful people is that they speak of their sadness as a permanent state in which they are constantly holding a futile search for the thing to bring them into happiness. why do they constantly talk in terms of finality or inevitability?

sad people lack gratitude on a very, very fundamental and important level. i feel angry that i've missed out on this point for so long. i feel angry of all the things i've missed out on because i've felt entitled to being a part of this mysterious, contemplative group of realistic amateur philosophers. what i really was, was afraid of how good my life could be. and i don't know why.

but it has to end.

here are some things i have written elsewhere:

had so much problems finishing my critique paper for religion class. just felt so.. frustrated… like i was stupid. couldn’t come up with any ideas. anything i wrote was just pointless. felt like doing other things instead of my paper. felt really stupid… felt like i should’ve finished it within an hour… took 3 days instead. really didn’t understand the readings.. or i understood them perfectly and had no questions or critiques on them… am i stupid. when did this happen

never realized how many songs on the radio were songs that were like… ‘this is my life’ and ‘i’ll do what i want’ and ‘nobody can hold me down’. never realized how encouraging it is to hear things like that when you don’t expect it even if it’s coming from people who are super famous and successful.. really liking ‘roar’ by katy perry right now. i like that she calls herself a ‘champion’ it has a feel that is like i am ‘great’ and ‘unbeatable’ and ‘i will fucking vanquish all of you’…i like it i like being respected 

think my face looks not bad today but could have chosen better clothes for my body

hate that i am superficial like this, wish i didn’t care but i do care ~ 80% of the time 

i got sick of ‘safe & sound’ by capital cities faster than i thought i would

i am so tired and i didn’t even do anything today except wake up and drink coffee 

seems strange that we can feel/have things but simultaneously hide it from ourselves. if i was just totally honest with whatever i feel all the time and not feel ashamed for feeling them what would happen 

It feels like I think I deserve to think about them, not forget them. I am constantly reminding myself of bad things that happened. It feels like I don’t deserve to forget about them. What I deserve is to remember the pain and remember any bad events. It happens so fast though.