was doing workouts everyday but took a break the past 2 days because i'm not sure if this aching in my muscles is something that should be left alone or pushed further to alleviate.

tonight we went for GD's concert and i was thinking about why i like GD... i suppose it might be because the first time i watched him in the bad boy video i remember saying to Gus "ugh i hate this g dragon damn gross" because he had his weird hair and he had this way of rapping and walking and dancing that struck me as so unlikable simply because it was different.. and then he just continued doing his thing like wearing skirts or dying the two halves of his hair different colours or making them dreadlocks and making crazy videos and catchy music and he wasn't any much different from the first time i saw the bad boy video. so if i had to say it it would just be because it seems like he doesn't give a fuck what the trends are or what is popular nowadays or what he is expected to look/be like he just IS what he is and he makes that his armour and i think that's why i like him

also another thing i thought about at the concert was "do you really want to like him?" i thought this while scanning the crowd and finding that they were made out largely of very young girls or people i would never consider myself clicking with... i thought, are you really going to be one of them. but i suppose if i was to just be totally honest with myself, i love his music, & i love who he is as an entertainer and performer. if i lied to myself and convinced myself that i don't like him, how different is that from someone who convinces themselves they DO like whatever band/artist for whatever reasons (e.g. bc someone u like likes them too)? anyway why deprive myself of an indulgence that truly makes me feel good & happy? he is a swag machine that's all

i think i need to start waking up earlier. when i sleep in i end up eating one meal a day bc of laziness

pilates class got cancelled in the morning which made me upset because i parked at the wrong carpark and ended up paying $5 for 15 minutes of parking. shit like that should be illegal. went down to town with my sister and met my mum. ate at marmalade pantry, crabmeat linguini. been trying to stick to a diet of no fried/sugary/oily food, but am semi-ok with carbs actually. more protein. drank a shake made of apple orange and guava. feel like getting a blender. drove down to sentosa and had a beach day with tammy. it was so hot i felt giddy and we had to take a dip in the sea and all the seaweed touched me... when we were going to shower there was a man wearing a g-string using the open shower. he didn't hear us coming from behind and he started to remove his g-string.......in public.......wow

had sushi after that then came home and did my workout because pilates was cancelled. ass and legs are trembling right now but i suppose what they say is true, exercise makes you happy because it releases endorphins which i have always pictured to be tiny dolphins that make you feel glad because they're cute and even smaller than normal dolphins.. by happy i mean things feel ok now. feel good that i made my body work. feel good that i didn't put that much bad stuff in it today. feel good that i exercised a lot of emotional control today.

Gus starts day 1 of his internship today at a very reputable company and i'm so proud of him for getting there, even if it means he has to be miles and miles away from me and we can only talk for an hour a day... i think i am starting to/will become a very low priority in his busy business-y life but if you're reading this baby i'm so proud of you & i know you'll do great :)

someone tell me where the word 'busy' comes from. does it come from the word 'business'? that's very telling if it were true... about business. also what is the word that means where a word comes from?

here is a list of things i should do:
- pack my room
- pack my wardrobe & give clothes to salvation army
- research for masters
- be diligent in my workouts
- level up in counter strike

wow i m a loser haha

i don't have much to say anymore.. my body feels like a dead weight i'm dragging around most of the time. i think i realised i'm very very selfish. but i know you are too.

how do you know when a thought is something growing into something important and something that's trying to tell you something that you can sort of feel sitting in your gut

and how do you know when a thought is a thought you will forget by sunrise???

the nightmares don't stop, do they. i'm afraid to sleep because i'm afraid to feel how i do in these nightmares. i was always jealous of how you slept with no problems, deep, rumbling snores as if nothing was wrong with the world. nothing was wrong with your world, ever. no matter what was actually wrong

just finished reading 'a tale for the time being' by ruth ozeki, which i intend to do a write-up on soon, once i've collected my thoughts... but the number of times i've come across string theory in my reading surprises me sometimes. it makes it feel like it's more than just a mere coincidence, which is nice but scary at the same time. at least i am slightly cheered up by the thought that there is a me who didn't have to go through all the bullshit that was last year. that maybe there is a me who is truly happy

also i have been slightly pre-occupied with the idea of articulateness, and how inept i am at it, and how i should practice becoming more articulate. i felt it more strongly after reading this book, because i find ruth ozeki to be a very good writer, especially in the way she describes often emotions that hold no concrete shape or form, that everyone experiences but is lost in words. these descriptions are often lengthy but at the same time are concise, as if every word is necessary, such that even if it is a little long it is not pointless/wasted. but i will save that review for another time.

while i was writing the last paragraph i was thinking about a part of the book, where ruth writes something along the lines of, 'there's nothing lonelier than talking to cyberspace when nobody out there really gives a shit', or something like that. i can see where she comes from, obviously. everytime i log into this blog i glance at the comments or the hits and realize that honestly nobody reads this. i used to be disturbed by this but over time i think i've just come to prefer it this way. at one point i remember i told myself ot remember that i write this blog for myself and nobody else, even if i do keep it public (i suppose it does feel nice to know people could read it if they wanted). i've come to feel like this blog is just a place i can sort of let my feelings leak out and alleviate some of the pressure, which is a feeling i like. i'm glad i've reached a place where i don't really care about this blog being popular or anything. i like that it's just a thing that i have, but a thing that is mine. (this book hit me more than i realise)

an update: gus is leaving for two months next thursday. he's going back to dallas for an internship. i feel like i recognize that shocked is what i am going to feel but it hasn't caught up yet, it's still somewhere in the distance running on spindly legs, but sometime over the next few days it's going to slam against me like a tidal wave and i'll be thinking, what the fuck. but at the moment it feels unreal so i try not to worry about it. i can't stand the idea of being thrown back into an LDR so soon after france. i understand it's only two months but also, here's where i don't bother to explain my worries because 1. i'm writing for myself so i understand it and 2. i'm writing for myself so i don't care about being judged. (again this is where this blog being unpopular is an advantage) i try to tell myself to be mature and deal with it like an adult, which is not to be worried and to be happy for him (which i am, honestly) and support him and not make HIM worry about ME being worried. but i read somewhere that you cannot apologize for feeling, that feelings are things you cannot stop. you can only apologize for ways you act upon these feelings, but not for having them. still, my feelings should be a reflection of whatever self i possess and the values that i hold. like a mirror, if you will, your feelings should tell you strongly what kind of person you are, what level of maturity you are at, what intentions you have. for all these purposes i can safely say i am very immature and selfish. i can feel like grasping and internalizing these maturity processes are things i cannot do very well, that they are slippery when i hold them, beings that are scared of me and me, deliberately scaring them off, because embracing them means uncertainty and change, something i am afraid of. i am jealous of people who seem born with this "adult-ness" (a characteristic that many adults do not have, by the way), like it is innate and nothing to do with age. i don't know if i mean wisdom, particularly, because i don't think it is anything very closely related to intelligence or IQ points or cleverness. rather i think i'm pinpointing something closer to the soul, or the heart, and what i can vaguely imagine to be a peace with everything that guides action. is this where i talk about God?

i say that a lot nowadays. "is this where i talk about God?" because God comes so closely intertwined with so many issues that i think many people struggle with daily. but i don't like to talk about God because to be honest the idea of doing things right with God fills me with dread, one, because it seems like an insurmountable task, and two, because it requires change which requires uncertainty which i'm not particularly fond of. also today i was just sitting int he car waiting for Gus and a truck drove by, with "JESUS WILL CARRY ALL YOUR LOAD" emblazoned across its cargo tank. it was a nice reminder.

just google searched 'why do people like mary kate and ashley'

my mind right now is just like mulch, like a melted down version of what it should be, which is how i've been feeling for days. i have a billion and one thoughts melting together into just this gigantic, undecipherable blob of nothingness. it's like the corners and arms and points of all my individual, distinct thoughts are sticking out here and there but in general it's nothing. i can't locate and hold down any distinct thought and drill into it until i can let go and it's no longer there. i can only sort of touch it and then it escapes, but lingers around close enough to drive me crazy.

i realize many times i sound like a depressed, unhappy little bitch. i think this is only because people only usually write about what makes them sad. that's when you feel like you have to release emotions. when you're happy you don't want to open up any part of yourself, because you don't want your happiness leaking out of your pores and leaving you empty and sad. but when you're sad it's like you want to rip your body into a million pieces so all the sadness can flee to the skies in the shortest time possible. all that writing can do is create a little gash. hardly enough but it's all one can do sometimes. if you wish to view someone going through a terrible time, read www.iwantrevange.blogspot.com. my entire heart goes out to this man, despite his spelling mistakes. i'm not afraid to post it because it's already become famous i'm sure. usually very tabloid things like these make me turn my nose up but this was a real-time blog, something that was still happening. anyway when i read it i was reminded of how some people are just the most cruel, cruel beings you will ever meet. i was thinking how you could never imagine how some people have it in them to be so horribly mean and selfish. and then i thought, how you usually hardly ever recognize it in yourself but it is there, and how for most of us we just haven't come across the opportunity to unleash such evil, and that when we do, how most of us will. it's a sad thought, but it's a realistic thought, and reality is sad.

i've been thinking about how powerful names are... i hate this girl called *** and so if your name is *** i'm going to think you are a downright fucker and there's no way around it. i will be suspicious of you forever despite your good qualities and your redeeming characteristics. just because of your name. that is something that i do i can't help it

lately i've been playing a lot of counter strike i think the violence helps me get some of my anger out. although mostly i try to play with better people online and they are very very good. it takes my mind off things, makes me less stressed out. they say overthinking ruins everything, i think it's true

last night i had a bad dream, a horrible nightmare. i woke up with my heart aching so i switched rooms, shut my eyes and had another nightmare. doesn't it suck when nightmares are not about pirates making you walk the plank or a terrorist killing you, but rather about the very real, probable things that happen in your life, the little things you're paranoid about happening when you're awake, about the very real, and all the more scary fears you have in life? i'd rather dream about a violent, gruesome death by decapitation ordered by an alien from mars than what i dreamt of last night. when you have nightmares you don't sleep at all. and you remember them. that's the worst.

sometimes i wonder if some of life's 'biggest joys' can erase a lifetime of regret or self pity. if i had a grandchild would his or her birth alleviate some of my life's greatest sorrows? can i carry on in this state of half-living in the hopes of my salvation resting on another's shoulders? my heart does not feel like a heart to be honest. i feel afraid of it like it does not pump blood, but black sludge through my veins. i feel like it is a source of poison and pain and sometimes i'm afraid of it. but what can i do? i can't kill it without killing me. how do you clean a heart of its wounds and all the scars that make it so so ugly

what i know is that we have made idols of ourselves but that it is also inevitable. i find that so many things we do we are too myopic to see how we look at things in terms of how they serve us and make us feel good. i tell you i care about you but perhaps only in the way that it makes me feel happy to care about you. but i still care. don't you see? i cannot extricate myself from any equation. i am always the ultimate balancer and arbiter of any decision. nature does not evolve those with no will to survive. self preservation makes us assholes. but i have decided i do not want to evolve without you. if i am extinct they will find no traces of you in my fossils. don't you see? you are the combination of arbitrary factors that make my gills grow and my skin change color. you are in my changing bone structure and you are in my mutating genes. i cannot fight without you. without you i am the same and will remain the same, the kind of same that gets eaten up and spat into the dust of a world that will be long forgotten.