feels odd i haven't been writing a lot at all but will commence a job tomorrow that involves a lot of writing, albeit about things that i'm hardly an expert in but i feel like i want to do my best, honestly, for myself, just to see what i am capable of. i can never feel like this in school, sometimes i feel like school is so impossibly hard, and it's so impossible to achieve anything in school that i can be proud of. even though looking back i recognize that is a bad attitude to have, i'm glad that this job makes me feel confident, and excited, and capable... i don't really remember the last time i've felt this way. if it goes well hopefully some of this good feeling translates to the new school semester

gus starts work as well. for 6 months. after which he goes back to school and i start work for good. feel like this is an important milestone. today, actually. the moment we both go to work the wheels won't stop turning until forever. feeling uneasy about the way we've sort of sidled up to the Monday without really acknowledging what it all means. am unsure if we've been avoiding it or it just doesn't seem like a big deal. i hope it's the latter. am going to call gus soon  to talk about this i think.

tomorrow is new years eve and then it will be new years day and it will be 2014. what i've resolved without writing down but has become ever more concrete in my mind because of the idea of 'work' and a 'job', like ok this is the time to get my shit together

- drink more water
- exercise more
- sleep earlier, wake up earlier, also sleep less
- moisturize haha
- talk less shit about people
- work harder in everything
- make time for myself
- make time for the people who matter
- cook more
- less procrastination

i met rachel the other day and we ate ramen and talked about many things. i don't know if this ever happens to anyone else, but when a certain topic weighs heavily on your mind, it keeps coming randomly in conversations without any prompting from you? seems strange to me, it always happens. anyway, tammy told me the other day about this book called 'quiet' by susan cain, which explores the power of introverts in a world where extroversion is the ideal. i picked it up today and in the first few pages i felt so strongly what she was writing about, how much i feel the pressure to be happy all the time, to be able to speak up and hold a memorable conversation, to use body language to convey a sense of power and dominance, when in all honesty what i want to do is lie in bed and read a book, scroll through humour blogs on tumblr, drink ice milo with just 2 or 3 people and talk about non-awkward things... yet everyday i try to convince myself that i am this crazy, happy, outgoing sort of person who is capable of making a million friends and being liked by everyone. it made me feel really sad and really fake. i haven't come to the end of the book, but i have a pessimistic outlook on this. i know the pressures of the world will continue to force me down this energy-draining path.

but anyway, i met rachel, and i like it when we meet and talk about books, we always somehow happen to pick up and read the same books. it happened with:

a tale for the time being
taipei
mr penumbra's 24 hour bookstore

given that we meet very rarely because she's in the UK most of the time and i'm here, i feel warm and happy inside knowing that we have the same tastes and have things to talk about that don't drain me. i also sort of feel glad that we don't run in the same social circles, in the sense that the people who irk me and i always feel like bitching about it wouldn't know her and she wouldn't know them. so i don't bitch and the gossip is limited and it just paves the way to better conversation i think, that's what i like

(what i was saying about the things u think about randomly appearing: tammy told me about the book, it came up in conversation with rachel, came up again today during dinner at jamie's)

i think it's time to sleep

back from shanghai and seoul my mind is just buzzing with so many things good and bad, but mostly bad. it's like the moment you reach home you breach the border where all the bad, stressful, unnecessary things have been straining to reach you. suddenly everything goes wrong. i hate it so much, having to deal with shit i don't want to deal with, things i feel make no progress or growth to the personal development of anyone involved. feels like this shit involves just closing the door to a circular pathway, in that i will inevitably have to open the door to this same shit again in a few months, a few years, idk. i've been pondering if perhaps some things are meant to exist in a constant state of misalignment, never to be fixed. i wonder if you aren't meant to fix them, if they're meant to just be a constant thorn in your side for god knows what reason. if this fucking suffering is supposed to be normalized, and that i'm just putting too much worry and too much stress into something that should just be considered normal. when i look at the situation there are so many people to blame, who should shoulder the actual blame, but for some reason i end up feeling guilty because i'm so helpless in my ability to do anything about it.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK

"The Hungarian-born philosopher Aurel Kolnai gave the horrifying qualities of bugs some serious thought. Kolnai ultimately decided that what upsets us is “their pullulating squirming, their cohesion into a homogeneous teeming mass” and their “interminable, directionless sprouting and breeding.” That is, it’s the quantity of crazy ants that’s so destabilizing. As the American psychologist James Hillman argued, an endless swarm of bugs flattens your perception of yourself as precious and meaningful. It instantly reduces your individual consciousness to a “merely numerical or statistical level.”

This is what’s soul-crushing about crazy ants: What wafts off them is the same faintly nihilistic feeling that comes the moment you realize hammering the pound sign won’t connect you with a human being and only funnels you back to the same automated instructions. It’s what drove Mike the Hog-a-Nator to grab an assault rifle. And it’s also, apparently, the feeling Tom Rasberry has been left with, having watched his alarm about these creatures be sucked up into an unintelligibly massive system forced to juggle lots of other, equally terrible problems, and then quietly disperse into the goop.

Insects, Kolnai wrote, unsettle us, existentially speaking, because they “arouse generally the impression of life caught up in a senseless, formless surging."

- via The New York Times 

lately i have felt an exhaustion in my body like no other time in my life
have googled 'chronic fatigue syndrome' on webmd like other paranoid freaks
am afraid that this is what i have because it is essentially untreatable

have been thinking a lot lately about how much your body can betray you
it is everything that is you on earth, that sustains your own perceived sense of living
and how others perceive you as living
the litmus test of a life on earth is a body part moving at the will of an autonomous mind
the only thing you can control
but the only thing you also can't

if you think about it your body is your biggest responsibility
you have just this one thing to take care of tbh
i keep thinking how shitty my physical body is might be related to my emotional health
hormones and whatnot
still i have a fear that there are cancer cells in my stomach
or a tumor pressing on a nerve in my brain
it's weird but i feel like these arbitrary catastrophes happen all the time,
it might as well be me

was watching a movie in bed with gus, and he fell asleep, and i saw him fall asleep halfway through the movie and i paused it, and he opened his sleepy eyes and insisted on continuing because he wanted to watch it. pressed play and he was asleep in 10 seconds. looked at him snuggled up under the covers and felt reminded that we, us, we have something special that exists right now that has broken down the barriers of two strangers to the point where i feel myself breathe a sigh of relief, physically relax when i am with him. i think it's sad that i cannot say for sure where we will be in a few years. but i suppose this uncertainty only compels me to appreciate even more whatever special thing we have together now.

recently i have been thinking about a few things, like exercising, taking dance classes, cooking... the other night i cooked lasagna and potato salad for dinner because i did not do anything for gus on his birthday (circumstances). at the moment i felt disappointed that i put too much mayo in the salad, annoyed that the top layer of cheese browned too much and the sides were too crispy. but when i think about it now i think i should give myself more credit and cut myself more slack. for someone who has cooked a grand total of less than 8 times in my entire life i think i did a decent job. as long as nobody went to the hospital i think i have things to be proud of. process > destination

another thing i have been thinking lately is that to progress as a person is a tiring thing. you have to constantly be thinking about thought processes or actions that you can take to better your life or make it worse. actions are far more controllable than thoughts, but the moment you rein your thoughts in, i think you begin to make significant differences. the difficulty is that thoughts come at hte speed of light, and you're usually caught off guard. thus, you have to be vigilant in protecting yourself from certain thoughts. i feel like you literally have to be constantly observing your mind from as objective a perspective as you can get, and arresting bad thoughts the moment they arrive. some thoughts you can't catch in time and you can actually notice the marks they've left behind in their wake.

what i mean is it's scary to let your thoughts run wild. imagination is a good thing but not when it dives into the realms of what hurts us most. i feel interested in how our parents have shaped our mental health, but also feel a little scared at what i'll find. i can't stand the idea of putting my parents at fault for anything ever.

apparently actions done consistently for 7 days become a habit. you can't hit a perfect 7 days with thoughts, it's such a long process. constant reminders, constant checking yourself. it's not easy, but i also feel like i have never been faced with such a task before. i've never felt the need to check my thoughts, use pure willpower to push through emotional pain. it's a funny feeling -- using your mind to conquer the doubts & fears produced by the same brain. just goes to show how everything is in your mind really.

Feeling drained today because I started doing my applications. Felt ridiculous but at the same time felt like it was a rite of passage... Don't feel particularly excited for anything I've applied for. I constantly feel upset that I haven't found that one thing in life I'm desperate to do.

If you want to feel like a failure just start searching for a job.

Still, end of the night, comfy in bed, Gus' arms around me as he snores lightly. Things could be a lot worse I suppose.

Haven't felt the urge to blog at all recently, or to write down anything important to me, really. It isn't even that I'm busy with school, I just don't even remember or feel the urge. In the past I would always feel like writing. Nowadays I just don't care. I wonder why that is? I only decided to write things down now because I read someone else's blog that reminded about how cathartic writing can be sometimes.

It's so difficult to explain what I'm feeling also because it's so difficult to justify. It's unreasonable to some extent, which makes me feel ashamed for feeling it. But again, this is something I read awhile ago but has always stuck with me: you can't apologize for how you feel. You feel what you feel, you can't control that. You can only control how you choose to act on those feelings. And what I feel is: disappointment. I feel that I've trusted myself and pushed myself hard enough to get past certain things in life that I know for a fact are not worth harping on or clinging onto or giving in to. And at times I've felt like I've truly succeeded, and that I've really made progress. And then at other times I feel like I've taken two steps back instead. It gets so confusing. I can't explain it. When I feel like I've taken two steps back, I feel that exact same pull, the exact same gravity that's always dragged me into the void, like the light I've worked so hard to crawl towards is just shrinking away from me.

On the other hand I am having more fun in school. On Friday we sat in the Honours room and someone said, do you feel like we all only made friends in year 4? And it felt good that other people felt the way I did, that the first 3 years of university was pointless but making friends now, if it all lead to this point, I suppose it could be worth it. It feels like I've been waiting for this for a long time as well, that for so long I've been telling God that I'm ready for whatever this is, this static, unmoving piece of life I'm living, to be over and done with, and that the time is finally coming. I hope I'm not speaking too soon but I'm glad that this year's honours cohort seems to be quite close and friendly and generally fun people.

I just thought about things I always try to avoid instead of facing. I never really realized that I was the type of person to run away I think mostly because I never had things to run away from. I can't help feeling like you're being forced to grow up all the time. I can't imagine children who lose their parents and are forced to grow up overnight to care for their siblings. Often I get stuck pitying myself and all the shit I go through when it's honestly nothing compared to others. When I think about last night, that's what I think.

Also, been hearing of a lot of people passing away. People my age. It feels surreal. I wonder if to some extent I'm trying to desensitize myself to all this news. Almost to the point where if I start thinking about it I automatically start thinking about something else. It's weird.

I don't even know how to blog anymore.

this blog is dying

i read so much nonsense from everywhere i constantly feel confused
that is the internet's doing
currently playing a game called 'how long can i sit at starbucks without ordering a drink'

things i have thought:

people always find some kind of beauty in sadness and fear or the futility of life or its meaninglessness... it's beautiful to be sad. it's human not to be happy. there is wonder lying in the crevices of the irreparable cracks in our lives. to be intelligent is to be sad, is to be depressed, is to be REALISTIC of the cruelty that surrounds us. i've always thought this way, that when i was sad, it was something to be proud of, it was something that marked me as part of some emotional intelligentsia to which the likes of plath, woolf, bukowski, huxley, eliot and so on, belonged. i would read blogs of people who wrote constantly about feeling displaced and lost in life, of being constantly bogged down by the difficulties in life, who glorified this idea of 'the struggle' and made it a badge of honour.

i don't think that it's wrong to struggle, of course not. i don't think it's wrong to be sad. everybody can't be happy 100% of the time, especially not when life's hard knocks come and get you. but i think i'm going to stop looking at this image of the body hunched up in a corner in sadness as something that is inherently 'beautiful' or 'wonderful'. there are certain 'sad' things that are beautiful, no doubt, but certainly, when somebody is depressed or feeling lost, there isn't anything beautiful in that.

i wonder why we don't place being happy on a pedestal instead. is it because it is so much easier to feel sorry for yourself than to face your issues, or take a leap of faith and say, 'i'm not going to be sad anymore'? why don't we try HARDER to be happy? all these beautiful, sad people... aren't they just people looking over the brink in fear, too scared to open their lives to the possibility that sadness isn't all there is? or that sadness is NOT the inevitable ideal? isn't being constantly critical of everything wrong in your life greatly undermining everything GOOD that the universe gives us?

i simply can't reconcile this anymore. i keep feeling like the longer i let myself feel sad and upset, the more i'm cheating myself of everything good in this world. good people, good food, good music, good places. i feel like sad people are sad because they want to belong. because sad people 'get' other sad people. it's an easy way out, instead of trying to look for belonging in places that lie beyond shying away from your problems, instead of constantly validating your own fears by thinking that there is beauty in your sadness. i can't believe the number of times i have felt genuinely happy, only to smack myself down by thinking, 'you can't be happy. you have to be sad. that is what you are and that is what you have to show and be'

SADNESS DOES NOT EQUAL BEAUTY

that is not the way people should live! i am tired of feeling like i am important because i am sad. i am selfish for feeling that. the thing about sad and beautiful people is that they speak of their sadness as a permanent state in which they are constantly holding a futile search for the thing to bring them into happiness. why do they constantly talk in terms of finality or inevitability?

sad people lack gratitude on a very, very fundamental and important level. i feel angry that i've missed out on this point for so long. i feel angry of all the things i've missed out on because i've felt entitled to being a part of this mysterious, contemplative group of realistic amateur philosophers. what i really was, was afraid of how good my life could be. and i don't know why.

but it has to end.

here are some things i have written elsewhere:

had so much problems finishing my critique paper for religion class. just felt so.. frustrated… like i was stupid. couldn’t come up with any ideas. anything i wrote was just pointless. felt like doing other things instead of my paper. felt really stupid… felt like i should’ve finished it within an hour… took 3 days instead. really didn’t understand the readings.. or i understood them perfectly and had no questions or critiques on them… am i stupid. when did this happen

never realized how many songs on the radio were songs that were like… ‘this is my life’ and ‘i’ll do what i want’ and ‘nobody can hold me down’. never realized how encouraging it is to hear things like that when you don’t expect it even if it’s coming from people who are super famous and successful.. really liking ‘roar’ by katy perry right now. i like that she calls herself a ‘champion’ it has a feel that is like i am ‘great’ and ‘unbeatable’ and ‘i will fucking vanquish all of you’…i like it i like being respected 

think my face looks not bad today but could have chosen better clothes for my body

hate that i am superficial like this, wish i didn’t care but i do care ~ 80% of the time 

i got sick of ‘safe & sound’ by capital cities faster than i thought i would

i am so tired and i didn’t even do anything today except wake up and drink coffee 

seems strange that we can feel/have things but simultaneously hide it from ourselves. if i was just totally honest with whatever i feel all the time and not feel ashamed for feeling them what would happen 

It feels like I think I deserve to think about them, not forget them. I am constantly reminding myself of bad things that happened. It feels like I don’t deserve to forget about them. What I deserve is to remember the pain and remember any bad events. It happens so fast though.

pictures from within the past week

studied at the table in the living room everyday for the whole of e-learning week but achieved asymmetric results due to 'studying' consisting of tumblr, shows, naps...

headed down to school at 8am on a saturday to play soccer for the inter faculty games. most fun i've had in all my time at NUS. makes me regret that i didn't do something sooner. i wish somebody told me, although i have a feeling even if someone did i would've been stubborn and rationalized with myself how stupid school activities are. to be fair there are some motherfucking dumb things that NUS offers as 'activities' but there are also other things that, if you find the right people, more than make up for it. am glad i got to play soccer with that team of girls. we made it all the way to the finals and won it for arts. i'm glad i have that t-shirt not because i'm proud to be in arts or to be in NUS but because i'm proud to have played with that team and am proud to have seen something to its end (and did not quit) and am proud to have contributed properly (actually scored goals)

got so super burnt. i was as red as a tomato on the first day. four days later (today) my skin is peeling really badly. i haven't reached the stage where flakes just permanently drizzle around me like a light dermatological shower, but i've definitely reached the stage where i don't want to look in the mirror anymore. it doesn't bother me when i can't see it, you see, even though i know it's there

also pictures from mystique, which is wanyi's DSA fundraising gala dinner at shangri-la. that was so much fun. mystique is one of the best nights of the year. always no regrets going. decent 7 course dinner as well, this time! twas a really, really good day

since that day have been going through some ups and downs.. the downs coming a little more unexpected but i'm rolling with the punches... i tell myself phrases like 'ain't nothing gonna get me down' and things like that to cope and bear with any pain that decides to surprise me. told ashley just the other day, whenever i'm down, i just tell myself 'this is just one of your down days. be patient and soon you'll be up again. it'll be over. just be patient. it'll be over.' that's how i get through things, if anyone needs to know -- know that your down days are unavoidable but just like every day tomorrow comes and one day it won't be a down day anymore. look forward to that <3

some of my favourite joke tweets

1. Dinner I cooked for Gus last night. Sesame oil chicken, stir fried potatoes and minced pork, stir fried baby bok choy

2. After eating 3 pounds worth of lobster and a dozen oysters at Pappadeaux. We went home and did nothing after

3. Customized salad from Whole Foods. I love it so much. Mixed greens, tomatoes, broccoli, grilled chicken, corn, peas, baby corn, egg and sesame ginger dressing

Can't explain the dread that fills me when I think about school. Over the years I have come to see NUS as harbinger of all things bad in my life i.e. nothing substantially good has come from NUS. In a way I feel like NUS is just a microcosm of Singapore on the whole, in that it is a place where you simply do what you have to do because it is necessary to some bigger cause. Students also seem to just be school fees-paying beings that have gotten it into their heads that NUS is providing them a special service... what I mean is that I feel that NUS does not necessarily care about its students. I am touched by the odd staff or friends here and there who don't seem fixed into place by the system but on the whole as an institution NUS does not give me the impression that it is somewhere a student can have the best student life. I know I should not complain, but on the other hand I think many of us should. There's a million and one things NUS can improve on if only people speak up.

Or maybe I'm just cranky because it is bidding period and I got a grand total of 1 module. My gripe is that if I find out I'm losing my place in a level 4 module to a year 3 student and because of that they don't allow my appeal to go through, then they're really just insensitive dicks and I have half the mind to make a big deal. Because it is a big deal. In my last year of academic learning, they want to me to take sloppy seconds and leftover modules? Every priority in honours year should go to honours students. It's only logical.

I don't know if I am becoming a stronger person...

I read something that said, "A real woman with confidence is one who earns it from experience. One who falls, knows she can get up again and be alright."

At the end of the day, I think whether or not you find all this self-confidence stuff bullshit or lame, it's the one thing that will push you through every other thing that seems real and therefore 'worthy' (or 'artistic' -.-) i.e. sadness, suffering, evil, etc. Whether or not it is something 'worthy' I think finding your own self worth and being your own person is the only shield/guard you can have in those 'me against the world' moments that come all too often, and are often more severe than they look.

I find it so hard to commit to things. Simple things. Fitness routines, drinking more water, waking up early. I don't know why I have such an issue. You can push yourself through really taxing, difficult spur of the moment things, but find that you lack such strength when it comes to the small things. Funny.

Remembering a thing from A Wild Sheep's Chase by Murakami that I just finished (my first murakami haha).

"I guess I felt attached to my weakness. My pain and suffering too. Summer light, the smell of a breeze, the sound of cicadas -- if I like these things, why should I apologize." 

And I suppose that is all too often what is happening. We grow comfortable with being a blob without bones, slip sliding around doing things with minimal effort so we don't have to know that our best is not good enough. Comfort zones aren't really soft, cushion-y couches, are they? They're more like big shields.. houses that have everything you'll ever need. That contributes to how you see yourself as well. As mediocre because you've never given yourself the opportunity to prove yourself wrong. So ultimately going outside your comfort zone is a way to show yourself that you are better than you think, and if we are our own worst critics, improving your self-perception will enable you to not give a fuck about what others think anyway.

Hi I'm in Dallas, Texas in the U S of A the land that I swore I would never return to because of the torturous flight and also because I have irrational fears that I will be shot in this country. Luckily one of those things has not happened yet (that being I have not been shot thankfully) but torturous flight? Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes. Not only did the turbulence from Singapore to Tokyo scare the living shit out of me (I swear I could've shat right there and then) (think of the feeling of the plane simply dropping out of the sky -- TWICE, to the point where you were lifted clean off your seat and people around you are screaming. I thought I was going to die that very day. I really thought we were crashing, but thank Jesus that we didn't), the 9 hour flight from Tokyo to San Francisco did. not. have. TVs. It's a childish thing to complain about, but actually, no, it's not, because to sit there for 9 hours with nothing to do is one of the most painful experiences, although I would've taken that over scary as fuck turbulence any day. BUT STILL. And then in San Francisco I ran through customs like the kiasu asian that I am, only to see people I overtook picking up their bags before me at baggage claim. Because of that I missed my flight to Dallas, and had to take the next flight to Houston, and then to Dallas. I sat on four planes within 24 hours. I mean I only speak of all this because I find it such a ridiculous situation to have been in but yet, there I was. Because I'm special.

Nevertheless, thank God I'm in Dallas now with Gus and everything has been super duper. I eat so much I can almost hear the fats pledging their allegiance to my tummy and my thighs. I shop so much I go home and cry afterwards, and use the receipts to wipe my tears just because. I've almost died twice attempting to navigate American roads with a Nissan Pathfinder. I've hung out in a café with so many hipsters that I became the only hipster because being a hipster there was so mainstream if you know what I mean. We've gone bowling and drank american beer (... it's ok), gone to watch a movie in a movie theatre while eating chicken tenders and beef sliders, and bottomless strawberry lemonade.

All I have to show for my time here so far is this:

I managed to make waves in my hurrrrr and it holdsssss omg it's like a dream come true I have wanted this forever I look crazy but seriously I'm amazed thank u America this is what dreams are made of

So what I really hate is the future. I saw a quote which was, "I'm really scared of the future and at the same time I don't care" which I think it s a way of saying, the future is really scary so I'm not going to try to handle it because if I do I might fail, and not trying is better than failing. But in a way you can't not try because there are so many things that are worse than not trying. 

I've been trying to figure out what I really want to do and I think one thing I know is that I really like writing. I don't think I am very good but it is what I like. Even when I write essays which sometimes I really grow to loathe, I enjoy putting sentences together and verbalizing them and seeing how they sound. I like to re-read old essays and feel surprised at how the words have come together and feeling even more surprised that I was the one who did that. Sometimes I feel like I am so inadequate yet other times I feel like this is what I really want to do and this is what I know I can be good at and I think that is more than enough sometimes, to just know that there is something that makes you feel good and that you feel good about and to chase that until it becomes something that is just part of your identity so much so that whatever you do regarding it is something that adds meaning and value to your life 

I think I have decided some things that I will pursue, even things that may or may not be good in the short run, but are good in getting me to where I want to be. There are things I think I want to do and that I'd be good at. On the other hand these are things you just think and are things that you cannot be 100% sure of. Yet if you take the leap to find out it's like there's no turning back. People who know at 15 or 16 what it is that they love are very lucky. They spend those precious youth years developing and honing their talent. They build up portfolios that are impressive because you can just tell that it's something someone really loves, and you are all the more impressed by it because of that. 

In a way I suppose there is really no one you can trust except yourself and you have to trust yourself to figure out what you really want and not rely on other people to tell you, because people will always feed you bullshit whether it be because they are obliged or they have nothing to say or they have ill intentions. But at the end of the day you have to stand naked in front of a mirror and look at yourself and know that that pulsing in your heart and that urging in your chest is what you should follow and is what you should chase. Things that make you feel like your life has a purpose, like you can do something good and contribute something substantial. I talked to a friend today about how she met these guys who were super successful and rich but had second wives and second families and lived these double lives that was just disgusting to hear honestly. I mean what else can drive home the point that money and society's perception of 'success' doesn't bring happiness? If you can't decide on your own values and live your life by them and know that you are being true to yourself by sticking to your convictions then really what are you except katy perry's plastic bag in the fucking wind 

Poor Meelo is getting old. I see the way she limps slowly up the stairs she used to conquer in 3 bounds, or the way her head won't even lift to look at you when you call her. Or how much she sleeps in a day... sad

Do you ever feel lost without that person you want to be with? Don't because you are your own compass and you can guide your own feet and you can find your own water and you can survive on your own regardless of who is by your side and I think that is what it means to be happy.

Today after coffee I was driving home and there was a jam on nicoll highway so half the time the car wasn't moving and I was just sitting there looking at other people stuck in their cars as well and people on the sidewalks and all. I'm not sure what it was exactly. I saw the people jogging and walking, huffing and puffing and being energetic. Then I looked at the people in cars and it was just husbands not talking to wives, iphones and silence, sad men in business shirts staring sadly out the windows of their BMWs... it was like these metal boxes were making everyone depressed and helpless and deflated. I thought it was really discouraging, this scene, so I forced myself to try to look on the positive side of things. Look at the sky and feel grateful. Feel happy looking at the people putting effort to run their kilometres. I saw a taxi uncle who parked his taxi on the side of the road, sitting in the passenger seat with the door open and his legs out the car, just staring at the construction of the new stadium at kallang. It loomed pretty big from the roadside. I looked at him for the longest time and he never moved, his neck arched and his head pointed up. I felt good when I saw this, that people can still feel amazed or in awe of certain things, natural or man-made.

When I went for coffee I walked into the cafe thinking, I love everyone here, although I probably don't, but it immediately put me in a better mood. It felt more peaceful, more amiable, more welcoming. I don't know. I wish love, like love in the most generic sense shone out of every pore of my body. I'm tired of feeling anger and hate and all these negative feelings that build up everyday or creep in from nowhere. And to say 'love' is such a complex thing. I think all I mean is to have good and caring feelings towards everyone and everything. Honestly I'm so tired of being dragged down by anger, unforgiveness... but it's the hardest thing sometimes to let go of your baggage because so much of yourself is in it. You don't believe that you'll actually be free.

Crucifixion before the Resurrection

Sick and tired of how I feel like I'm making progress, and then something happens that shows me I haven't really progressed at all. Why does change have to happen so incrementally? Why does change take 'dedication' and 'commitment' and other words from some vocabulary list of clichéd words. Nothing I can do but press on, I suppose. Discouragement is crippling, but we limp on anyway. Acknowledging that you feel a certain way but recognizing that acting on these feelings is not the right way to go is difficult. Don't you feel like a emotions vs reason battle is a one-sided fight? It's like my emotions have some inherent right to be expressed, like all the muscles in my body couldn't cage in my anger/pain. The longer it sits the worse it gets.

I want to live an effortless life. I don't think I mean I want a life where I can be lazy and hang out in my bed like a sloth in a tree. I mean that I want to live a life where it's easy to find joy in everything I do, such that nothing seems to require effort anymore. I don't know how people enjoy every moment of life, or live each moment to the fullest. How am I supposed to walk down the street and think, "Oh this concrete is so beautiful!" How???

I don't like the belief that intelligent people are sad people. Yes maybe Plath and Woolf killed themselves. Yes maybe Camus and Sartre and Locke or whoever understood the evil and cruel tendencies of human nature. Yes maybe Noam Chomsky is not the happiest man alive. Being intelligent and aware of the world around you, all its perfections and its (sometimes gargantuan) flaws should not discourage you. I think perhaps even more so you should learn to be happy with the good things when they do happen.

Is there really any difference between Sartre's rambling lamentation on the nauseous feeling of existence versus any 15 year old's life motto "I hate myself and everyone around me especially you mom"?

I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm tired of these lulls I get in the days where all my hard work seems futile. Where it feels like I'm incapable of any change. I don't know.

...

i dyed my hair with blue streaks which faded to purple after they mixed with the red dye from before... i like it. one day i was out and my mom messaged me to say that i received flowers from Gus... came home to find this beautiful bouquet he had delivered to me for our 4th year anniversary, which surprised me a lot because he doesn't really ever care for flowers. i'm not sure if anniversaries should even really mean anything, but if it means getting such precious gifts & feeling loved like this then i'm all for it

was doing workouts everyday but took a break the past 2 days because i'm not sure if this aching in my muscles is something that should be left alone or pushed further to alleviate.

tonight we went for GD's concert and i was thinking about why i like GD... i suppose it might be because the first time i watched him in the bad boy video i remember saying to Gus "ugh i hate this g dragon damn gross" because he had his weird hair and he had this way of rapping and walking and dancing that struck me as so unlikable simply because it was different.. and then he just continued doing his thing like wearing skirts or dying the two halves of his hair different colours or making them dreadlocks and making crazy videos and catchy music and he wasn't any much different from the first time i saw the bad boy video. so if i had to say it it would just be because it seems like he doesn't give a fuck what the trends are or what is popular nowadays or what he is expected to look/be like he just IS what he is and he makes that his armour and i think that's why i like him

also another thing i thought about at the concert was "do you really want to like him?" i thought this while scanning the crowd and finding that they were made out largely of very young girls or people i would never consider myself clicking with... i thought, are you really going to be one of them. but i suppose if i was to just be totally honest with myself, i love his music, & i love who he is as an entertainer and performer. if i lied to myself and convinced myself that i don't like him, how different is that from someone who convinces themselves they DO like whatever band/artist for whatever reasons (e.g. bc someone u like likes them too)? anyway why deprive myself of an indulgence that truly makes me feel good & happy? he is a swag machine that's all

i think i need to start waking up earlier. when i sleep in i end up eating one meal a day bc of laziness

pilates class got cancelled in the morning which made me upset because i parked at the wrong carpark and ended up paying $5 for 15 minutes of parking. shit like that should be illegal. went down to town with my sister and met my mum. ate at marmalade pantry, crabmeat linguini. been trying to stick to a diet of no fried/sugary/oily food, but am semi-ok with carbs actually. more protein. drank a shake made of apple orange and guava. feel like getting a blender. drove down to sentosa and had a beach day with tammy. it was so hot i felt giddy and we had to take a dip in the sea and all the seaweed touched me... when we were going to shower there was a man wearing a g-string using the open shower. he didn't hear us coming from behind and he started to remove his g-string.......in public.......wow

had sushi after that then came home and did my workout because pilates was cancelled. ass and legs are trembling right now but i suppose what they say is true, exercise makes you happy because it releases endorphins which i have always pictured to be tiny dolphins that make you feel glad because they're cute and even smaller than normal dolphins.. by happy i mean things feel ok now. feel good that i made my body work. feel good that i didn't put that much bad stuff in it today. feel good that i exercised a lot of emotional control today.

Gus starts day 1 of his internship today at a very reputable company and i'm so proud of him for getting there, even if it means he has to be miles and miles away from me and we can only talk for an hour a day... i think i am starting to/will become a very low priority in his busy business-y life but if you're reading this baby i'm so proud of you & i know you'll do great :)

someone tell me where the word 'busy' comes from. does it come from the word 'business'? that's very telling if it were true... about business. also what is the word that means where a word comes from?

here is a list of things i should do:
- pack my room
- pack my wardrobe & give clothes to salvation army
- research for masters
- be diligent in my workouts
- level up in counter strike

wow i m a loser haha

i don't have much to say anymore.. my body feels like a dead weight i'm dragging around most of the time. i think i realised i'm very very selfish. but i know you are too.

how do you know when a thought is something growing into something important and something that's trying to tell you something that you can sort of feel sitting in your gut

and how do you know when a thought is a thought you will forget by sunrise???

the nightmares don't stop, do they. i'm afraid to sleep because i'm afraid to feel how i do in these nightmares. i was always jealous of how you slept with no problems, deep, rumbling snores as if nothing was wrong with the world. nothing was wrong with your world, ever. no matter what was actually wrong

just finished reading 'a tale for the time being' by ruth ozeki, which i intend to do a write-up on soon, once i've collected my thoughts... but the number of times i've come across string theory in my reading surprises me sometimes. it makes it feel like it's more than just a mere coincidence, which is nice but scary at the same time. at least i am slightly cheered up by the thought that there is a me who didn't have to go through all the bullshit that was last year. that maybe there is a me who is truly happy

also i have been slightly pre-occupied with the idea of articulateness, and how inept i am at it, and how i should practice becoming more articulate. i felt it more strongly after reading this book, because i find ruth ozeki to be a very good writer, especially in the way she describes often emotions that hold no concrete shape or form, that everyone experiences but is lost in words. these descriptions are often lengthy but at the same time are concise, as if every word is necessary, such that even if it is a little long it is not pointless/wasted. but i will save that review for another time.

while i was writing the last paragraph i was thinking about a part of the book, where ruth writes something along the lines of, 'there's nothing lonelier than talking to cyberspace when nobody out there really gives a shit', or something like that. i can see where she comes from, obviously. everytime i log into this blog i glance at the comments or the hits and realize that honestly nobody reads this. i used to be disturbed by this but over time i think i've just come to prefer it this way. at one point i remember i told myself ot remember that i write this blog for myself and nobody else, even if i do keep it public (i suppose it does feel nice to know people could read it if they wanted). i've come to feel like this blog is just a place i can sort of let my feelings leak out and alleviate some of the pressure, which is a feeling i like. i'm glad i've reached a place where i don't really care about this blog being popular or anything. i like that it's just a thing that i have, but a thing that is mine. (this book hit me more than i realise)

an update: gus is leaving for two months next thursday. he's going back to dallas for an internship. i feel like i recognize that shocked is what i am going to feel but it hasn't caught up yet, it's still somewhere in the distance running on spindly legs, but sometime over the next few days it's going to slam against me like a tidal wave and i'll be thinking, what the fuck. but at the moment it feels unreal so i try not to worry about it. i can't stand the idea of being thrown back into an LDR so soon after france. i understand it's only two months but also, here's where i don't bother to explain my worries because 1. i'm writing for myself so i understand it and 2. i'm writing for myself so i don't care about being judged. (again this is where this blog being unpopular is an advantage) i try to tell myself to be mature and deal with it like an adult, which is not to be worried and to be happy for him (which i am, honestly) and support him and not make HIM worry about ME being worried. but i read somewhere that you cannot apologize for feeling, that feelings are things you cannot stop. you can only apologize for ways you act upon these feelings, but not for having them. still, my feelings should be a reflection of whatever self i possess and the values that i hold. like a mirror, if you will, your feelings should tell you strongly what kind of person you are, what level of maturity you are at, what intentions you have. for all these purposes i can safely say i am very immature and selfish. i can feel like grasping and internalizing these maturity processes are things i cannot do very well, that they are slippery when i hold them, beings that are scared of me and me, deliberately scaring them off, because embracing them means uncertainty and change, something i am afraid of. i am jealous of people who seem born with this "adult-ness" (a characteristic that many adults do not have, by the way), like it is innate and nothing to do with age. i don't know if i mean wisdom, particularly, because i don't think it is anything very closely related to intelligence or IQ points or cleverness. rather i think i'm pinpointing something closer to the soul, or the heart, and what i can vaguely imagine to be a peace with everything that guides action. is this where i talk about God?

i say that a lot nowadays. "is this where i talk about God?" because God comes so closely intertwined with so many issues that i think many people struggle with daily. but i don't like to talk about God because to be honest the idea of doing things right with God fills me with dread, one, because it seems like an insurmountable task, and two, because it requires change which requires uncertainty which i'm not particularly fond of. also today i was just sitting int he car waiting for Gus and a truck drove by, with "JESUS WILL CARRY ALL YOUR LOAD" emblazoned across its cargo tank. it was a nice reminder.

just google searched 'why do people like mary kate and ashley'

my mind right now is just like mulch, like a melted down version of what it should be, which is how i've been feeling for days. i have a billion and one thoughts melting together into just this gigantic, undecipherable blob of nothingness. it's like the corners and arms and points of all my individual, distinct thoughts are sticking out here and there but in general it's nothing. i can't locate and hold down any distinct thought and drill into it until i can let go and it's no longer there. i can only sort of touch it and then it escapes, but lingers around close enough to drive me crazy.

i realize many times i sound like a depressed, unhappy little bitch. i think this is only because people only usually write about what makes them sad. that's when you feel like you have to release emotions. when you're happy you don't want to open up any part of yourself, because you don't want your happiness leaking out of your pores and leaving you empty and sad. but when you're sad it's like you want to rip your body into a million pieces so all the sadness can flee to the skies in the shortest time possible. all that writing can do is create a little gash. hardly enough but it's all one can do sometimes. if you wish to view someone going through a terrible time, read www.iwantrevange.blogspot.com. my entire heart goes out to this man, despite his spelling mistakes. i'm not afraid to post it because it's already become famous i'm sure. usually very tabloid things like these make me turn my nose up but this was a real-time blog, something that was still happening. anyway when i read it i was reminded of how some people are just the most cruel, cruel beings you will ever meet. i was thinking how you could never imagine how some people have it in them to be so horribly mean and selfish. and then i thought, how you usually hardly ever recognize it in yourself but it is there, and how for most of us we just haven't come across the opportunity to unleash such evil, and that when we do, how most of us will. it's a sad thought, but it's a realistic thought, and reality is sad.

i've been thinking about how powerful names are... i hate this girl called *** and so if your name is *** i'm going to think you are a downright fucker and there's no way around it. i will be suspicious of you forever despite your good qualities and your redeeming characteristics. just because of your name. that is something that i do i can't help it

lately i've been playing a lot of counter strike i think the violence helps me get some of my anger out. although mostly i try to play with better people online and they are very very good. it takes my mind off things, makes me less stressed out. they say overthinking ruins everything, i think it's true

last night i had a bad dream, a horrible nightmare. i woke up with my heart aching so i switched rooms, shut my eyes and had another nightmare. doesn't it suck when nightmares are not about pirates making you walk the plank or a terrorist killing you, but rather about the very real, probable things that happen in your life, the little things you're paranoid about happening when you're awake, about the very real, and all the more scary fears you have in life? i'd rather dream about a violent, gruesome death by decapitation ordered by an alien from mars than what i dreamt of last night. when you have nightmares you don't sleep at all. and you remember them. that's the worst.

sometimes i wonder if some of life's 'biggest joys' can erase a lifetime of regret or self pity. if i had a grandchild would his or her birth alleviate some of my life's greatest sorrows? can i carry on in this state of half-living in the hopes of my salvation resting on another's shoulders? my heart does not feel like a heart to be honest. i feel afraid of it like it does not pump blood, but black sludge through my veins. i feel like it is a source of poison and pain and sometimes i'm afraid of it. but what can i do? i can't kill it without killing me. how do you clean a heart of its wounds and all the scars that make it so so ugly

what i know is that we have made idols of ourselves but that it is also inevitable. i find that so many things we do we are too myopic to see how we look at things in terms of how they serve us and make us feel good. i tell you i care about you but perhaps only in the way that it makes me feel happy to care about you. but i still care. don't you see? i cannot extricate myself from any equation. i am always the ultimate balancer and arbiter of any decision. nature does not evolve those with no will to survive. self preservation makes us assholes. but i have decided i do not want to evolve without you. if i am extinct they will find no traces of you in my fossils. don't you see? you are the combination of arbitrary factors that make my gills grow and my skin change color. you are in my changing bone structure and you are in my mutating genes. i cannot fight without you. without you i am the same and will remain the same, the kind of same that gets eaten up and spat into the dust of a world that will be long forgotten.

beautiful watercolor picture i found of Howl's Moving Castle by Hayao Miyazaki & studio ghibli, which i watched two days ago. i liked HMC more than spirited away, even though spirited away had more of a storyline.. HMC didn't make any sense to me a lot of the time, even when it was over, i didn't have the sense of "ahhh" that i got with spirited away. nevertheless i really loved it. as always with studio ghibli i think the visuals were amazing, amazing, amazing. imagination is incredible, even though this is based off a novel. so well thought through, so well conceived and so well delivered. soundtrack is another A+. the ending song called The Promise of the World is melancholy and touching. 

the story itself. i don't know what the novel offers, or if it is as haphazard as i felt the film was. but the story was funny, exciting and touching even when it didn't make sense. all i know is i wanted so badly for howl and sophie to be together. i wanted them all to be happy. a good review i've read is that the film manages to "blend child-like wonder with sophisticated emotions" which is true. i felt more watching this film than silver linings playbook. you have to watch it with an open heart, i think, and not get too distracted by its fantastical element. it is quite breathtaking but is meant to supplement the heart of the story at the end of the day i think 

all the bullshit i've been listening to lately. i put elephants because i'm really slow catching up to these songs but then i realised that elephants could run real fast if they wanted to. should've put a sloth

3 from siyichen on 8tracks Radio.

i don't have anything to talk about anymore, sometimes i feel

did i just type like yoda

i have been playing tennis and doing exercises at home fairly regularly i think. i gym sometimes. i try to eat better (not always successful) and today i started drinking more water (2 cups so far... not great progress imo). have been more excited about 'cooking' and the limited options that open to me (limited by my lack of any cooking skills obviously) and thus the implication that i can probably only make salads for a long time to come... the other day gus ruined four eggs before he boiled another three to hard boiled perfection and made me egg mayo on toast. it was the best egg mayo i've tasted

another thing is that i changed my wallpaper to a phrase "this is a fight you can win" because all i ever view this as is that, a fight, against myself but i must win against myself. i find it so ridiculous that there are these two personas battling in the same person, one that wants to drag me to the pits of depression and self-pity, and the other (much more difficult to channel) is the one that wants to bring me to a land of light, books, peace of mind... dare i say it... 'happiness'

because i've realised it's so important to feel good about yourself and in johnny depp's words, 'if you're not on your side how can you expect anyone else to be?' which i feel is a valid statement and something that i've been keeping in mind. i have been making very conscious choices every day at every minute pertaining to whatever may be relevant at the moment, but choices that make me feel stronger and surer at the end of everyday (most of the time). i have those moments, driving in the car alone, waiting to fall asleep, when everything comes rushing back to me like a tidal wave but at least i don't cry anymore when they happen (most of the time). i just sort of force myself to think about something else because what people don't really remember i suppose is that tidal waves also recede

more photos from taiwan

My mind these days is always on my self-esteem. Today I had coffee with a friend who talked to me about God. I am not entirely sure how this all fell together but he mentioned that people are weak and we are a few things: liars, cheaters, selfish, insecure, incapable -- then he went on to explore 'insecure'. Why are we insecure? It seemed random that he would choose to harp on this one topic but I'm glad he did because insecurity is all that has been on my mind these past few months, and trying to move past it.

He said, when you're insecure, you don't really believe that God loves you. To me that sounds ridiculous. That's one of the most basic things and one of the most fundamental truths I turn to especially when I'm in need -- God loves me. But he said, no. You mustn't believe that. Because if you understood how glorious God is (and he translated the word glorious into the word 'heavy' or worthy. How much God weighs in your life), and you understood then that God in all this power and might, chooses to love YOU, and finds YOU worthy, with all your flaws and sicknesses and fucked up shit going on -- then you wouldn't give a shit about what anyone else ever thought again. Because God is better and greater than anyone who is going to have an opinion on your identity and your being, their opinions become irrelevant when you're secure in the knowledge that God finds you fully worthy despite all the things you are insecure about.

I never thought about it this way, that my insecurities about my looks, my personality were related to how shaky my belief was of God's love for me. That inherently I don't feel like I'm worth anything to Him. All horizontal relationships are affected by the vertical. The whole of Christianity is a paradox. I believe that I am a piece of shit, but God still loves me anyway, so I must be worth something and not a piece of shit. But I am! It's upon this dynamic between humility and undeserved grace that we must operate and live our lives, I think.

Today I went through a really rough day. I think in the past few months the things that have been so important to me just broke down so quickly I never even realised they were so fragile. Since then I've been picking up the pieces and doing things all over again, trying to do them better. But today was one of those days where you've cut yourself on the shards and you just can't help crying, looking at the shabby, dulled version of whatever previous glory you have tried to restore. It was one of those days where I felt so helpless and powerless. I find it sad that I only turn to God when I feel this way. But I did. And just that feeling, when things spin so out of your control that you can't even touch them anymore, to have some knowledge that somebody out there loves you enough to fix it for you instead. And true enough, God came through and made the night better. And through whatever happened today I find myself learning new things and growing stronger from it already.

And this quote. I love it:

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." --- Martin Luther King Jr

taipei

when this bitchin man wore a running man shirt and walked around as if it was nothing

when we cycled 20km in four hours at danshui and gus kept accusing me of not pulling my weight 

when we stopped at some random cafe along the way and drank iced lattes 

when gus couldn't finish this tall ass ice cream

when we were on a tv haha

when we bought unnecessarily excessive amounts of adventure time merchandise for annie

when this whole team of young female soccer players attempted to order food all at once

when this dj in the club treated it like his own concert 

when gus died and boon was not happy about it

when boon finished a bottle of whisky coke in 15 seconds

when we went batting at the cages in ximending

other life

when i got a tattoo

when i forced meelo to wear this costume and she hated it

when i did exercise today and felt good about 'health' i suppose even though my legs are huge