wanted to go to a club tonight but the queue was so long that we just left
we followed the germans to an irish pub and they spoke german all the time
we talked about some things and it was fun
marty called a taxi for me and waited with me which was really really nice of him
while we were waiting, lots of french people spoke to us
which is really friendly of them, i don't know if it is something specific to Southern French
but lots of french people have been really friendly to me so i really like that

if i think about it i have met and talked to so many people even if i don't really have anyone
to specifically hang out with
for that i think i should be grateful enough
most of the time i just feel bad about my bad french
but today in french class madam rocca said i did a good job, and i felt better
i think she said maybe i shouldn't change classes which was a huge boost to my confidence
i still have a ways to go but i am grateful for today generally

except for certain weird things & that i didn't get to skype with gus
i miss him so much sometimes it really hurts
& i can't figure out why my mobile costs so much to message it's driving me crazy

from now on, before anything, i will ask myself, is this what you really want to do, and if the answer is yes, i will do it, no exceptions, and if the answer is no, i will walk away without looking back

so long as it does not hurt other people, NOT what other people think. i want to be done with that bullshit.

today i went down to the maison de la montagne 
got a couple of maps and some advice
went to gosport to buy some shoes and a backpack
and now i'm all ready for hiking tomorrow, of which i am excited
because i will be going alone and i hope it will be awesome

tonight i just wish so badly that if i reached out
my skin could touch Gus's skin, or his hair, or his teeth
and it wouldn't be a dream

some nights i think i am alright alone
other nights, like tonight, i realize i'm not
but then the immediate next thought is,
well, you just have to be

and that's how i'm approaching everything
the strongest and the survivors are the ones most adaptable to change
is that charles darwin? disproving common misconceptions of the survival of the fittest theory

disastrous french class #2. starting to feel like i might not be able to map it back to NUS
every sentence around here is "oh really? because in (insert country you're from) we..."
which is nice to hear, all the different stories, how people do things
i'm meeting new people everyday which is fun, doing more things (sort of)
sometimes i'm convinced i'm having a whole conversation with someone about singapore and they don't know where it is but don't say it also which is more pleasant than, 'isn't singapore in china?'
3 of us finished a 1.49 euro bottle of sangria. it was decent for 1.49 euros
i skipped class yesterday because i just couldn't wake up
but made it for my 8am class today and had a funny lecturer for my 11.10 class
after which we headed to jieun's place and stayed there drinking and talking for 4 hours
and then we got hotdogs (sausages placed in baguettes???) for 1 euro

came home and sat in the lounge talking about lots of things, that was fun
learned about a bird called the kasawari
also i made friends with a girl from china and she's so super nice
the only person here who can actually pronounce my name
she says it even nicer than i do
i actually can't even say it the way she does even if i really tried

downloaded deadpool comics
especially one series titled
'deadpool kills the marvel universe'
i'm at the part where he shoots spiderman in the head
last night i dreamt that there was capital punishment
via injecting poison through your thigh, and when i woke up my thigh was throbbing
but also, at the end of the dream
the man who was being executed was being hung so idgi

in french class today i felt discouraged
everybody else's french is about a thousand notches above mine
craving a 'c'est bien' from madam rocca
although i heard everybody else practiced/did lessons over the summer
while i spent summer watching korean shows

still, i made some new friends
made a good dinner for myself
in the afternoon i ate kebabs alone in centre ville and felt okay
two years ago i would've been so embarrassed to eat alone
but now it is so natural to me
feels mature

over the weekend ji eun and i went swimming
the sun was blazing hot but the water was freezing cold
we swam and tanned for ~3 hours
some really hot girls came down and i felt bad about myself & my body
so we went up and cooked pasta for dinner
then i did laundry

been skyping with Gus whenever i can
and writing him e-mails
he hung out with my sister & ate dinner with my family yesterday
which i really appreciated
he says his mom wants to send me food but the problem is
i have negligible cooking abilities

i have been listening to french resources online to practice my listening
people speak so fast sometimes i cannot understand
although i think now a week has passed and it is getting better
it's true what they say, when you are immersed in the culture of hte language you are learning
your progress goes 'tres, tres vite' 
i am doing maybe just one 3 hour lecture in french a week

lastly, it is so difficult to plan weekend trips
because Grenoble is a smallish city
anywhere i want to go i have to go to the airport of another city
train tickets are expensive
and long

i want to visit vienna very badly

1) used book haul at the bookworm cafe. four books for less than 10 euros 

2) what i should be reading right now -- grammaire francaise 

3) meelo

4) sister 

5) the cutest man alive 

Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. 

Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. 

"Wait. All these people, we see them just a few minutes. Once in a while there's a face in the crowd, some lovely star-bright woman who makes me want to stay and say hello, just be still and not moving and talk for a while. But she flies with me ten minutes or she doesn't and she's gone and next day I'm off to Shelbyville and I never see her again. That's lonely. But I guess I can't find lasting friends when I'm an unlasting one myself."

He was quiet.

"Or can I?"

"May I talk now?"

"I think so, yes." The hamburgers in this place were wrapped half-over in thin oiled paper, and when you unwrapped them you got sesame seeds everywhere - useless little things, but the hamburgers were good. He ate in silence for a time and so did I, wondering what he would say.

"Well, Richad, we're magnets, aren't we? Not magnets. We're iron, wrapped in copper wire, and whenever we want to magnetize ourselves we can. Pour our inner voltage through the wire, we can attract whatever we want to attract. A magnet is not anxious about how it works. It is itself, and by its nature it draws some things and leaves others untouched."

I ate a potato chip and frowned at him. "You left out one thing. How do I do it?"

"You don't do anything. Cosmic law, remember? Like attracts like. Just be who you are, calm and clear and bright. Automatically, as we shine who we are, asking ourselves every minute is this what I really want to do, doing it only when we answer yes, automatically that turns away those who have nothing to learn from who we are and attracts those who do, and from whom we have to learn, as well."

"But that takes a lot of faith, and meanwhile you get pretty lonely."

He looked at me strangely over his hamburger.

"Humbug on faith. Takes zero faith. What it takes is imagination. If you have imagination as a grain of sesame seed, all things are possible to you."

"I'm supposed to imagine this magnetizing? I imagine some lovely wise mystical lady appearing in a hayfield crowd in Tarragon, Illinois? I can do that, but that's all that is, that's just my imagination."

He looked despairingly to heaven, represented for the moment by the tin-plate ceiling and cold lights of Em and Edna's Cafe. "Just your imagination? Of course it's your imagination! This world is your imagination, have you forgoten? Where your thinking is, there is your experience; As a man thinks, so is he; That which I feared is come upon me; Think and grow rich: Creative visualisation for fun and profit; How to find friends by being who you are. Your imagining doesn't change the Is one whit, doesn't affect reality at all. But we are talking about Warner Brothers worlds, MGM lifetimes, and every second of those are illusions and imaginations. All dreams with the symbols we waking dreamers conjure for ourseles."

- Illusions by Richard Bach

Making my way slowly towards
a quiet existence
a cocoon of me that doesn't disturb the outside world
I don't even have to become a butterfly
Or maybe I do, because butterflies only need one mate

once in awhile perhaps i can call for delivery to my cocoon home
or have a cocoon party with max. 4 people maybe
but my cocoon only has space for 1 other person to sleepover

when i emerge maybe
everything will be better

Tonight we went to the bar but I'm afraid everybody has already found their cliques and ours is small but it is decent and I think maybe on this exchange I don't have to have that crazy, party experience. One thing I keep trying to remember, the cosmic law of attraction which is something I read about in Illusions by Richard Bach, 'everybody is free to do whatever they want to do' and that people will come in and out of your life depending whether or not they have things to learn from you, or if they have nothing to contribute. While I was at the bar I kept thinking, I feel like going home, I feel like reading a book, lying in bed, feeling jaded but also happy under the covers.

The people who constantly tell you that you have to make friends and put yourself out there... I wonder, if they've ever thought about the fact that sometimes it is

okay
to
be
lonely

Still, even if I wanted to make friends, I can feel radiations and waves of racism flood over me, like how people's eyes avert mine when searching a crowd for friends or the significant drop in jolliness or vivaciousness when I ask for help or something. Of course there are exceptions but I thought to myself, perhaps I would rather people be outright insulting rather than play this stupid game of subtle racism, acting like they are judging me even though it's so obvious

But so far I like these people:

a girl from slovakia
a girl from korea
a girl from germany
a guy from italy who skipped out on the bar to watch soccer
a girl from maastricht
a girl from perth

There are very few guys here.

The best part of my day is getting on skype to tell Gus about the second best part of my day which is usually some sort of other activity.

School at 930am. Goodnight.

Bonjour!

Je suis en France maintenant et il est tres tres difficile pour moi de faire quelque chose! Partout où je vais, je me sens comme un idiot! Mes phrases favorites sont ces quatre:

1. Je suis désolee, mais parlez-vous Anglais?
2. Pardon? Excusez-moi?
3. What?
4. Huh?

Du moins je pouvais changer mes cours de français vers l'anglais. Une chose qui est très bonne, c'est que mes cours ne sont pas obligatoire! Ne deux que sont obligatoire, mais l'autre cours, si vous prenez votre exam, qui est assez bon! J'ai enregistré pour une cours sportif aussi. Je pens que je ne irai pas mes cours à tous!

--

The pains that it took me to write the above should sufficiently describe the horror that has enveloped my being upon arriving in the fair country of France. It seems that I have severely overestimated my french speaking capabilities. That my confidence has been shattered to the pits of hell is an understatement.

Grenoble is a beautiful city, however. Just not where I live, unfortunately. The people are nice enough, except for my neighbour who told me last night that I was "making too much noise". I looked at my empty room and my youtube video playing at half the maximum volume, smiled and said "Ok sorry." That silly man better not disturb me again.

I have hardly unpacked anything properly in my room. Today I struggled through a 45 minute journey on public transport with bags and bags of groceries and daily necessities... I am tired of needing things but I am also tired of buying things. How does that work?

School this morning was pleasant enough and I met some new people which was fun but I hope to meet even more people and also go swim in my hostel swimming pool not alone. I knew loneliness came hand in hand with exchange but to be honest I think so far I'm coping fairly well. What I actually said above is that you don't have to actually attend any of your classes, except for two, but having four out of six classes with no attendance penalties is PRETTY DAMN AWESOME

I've forgotten anything and everything I've learnt about politics in Singapore. I expect to do badly and will not be sorry for it. If anything I'm going to relax the hell out of the next few months because that is how you make your money's worth

In less than 24 hours I'm leaving for France. Coming here was a step out of my comfort zone, and now I've built another comfort zone in Maastricht, and I have to leave it too. Going to France alone on a train to Paris at 6am. Honestly, I'm scared. Facing the prospect of the possibility of a very shitty 3 months... I try to tell myself it'll all be okay, it'll be fun, but there's always that cloud of doubt that won't blow away

Last night we went to get drinks and they bought me two tequila shots because it's my last night, so to speak. Successfully inebriated, we went home and watched youtube videos and listened to songs from our adolescence. It was fun. I will miss Maastricht and this house and this room and this mattress...

I will miss these people! Thanks for making my first 10 days in Europe pretty awesome :)

Been in Europe for a week
Half a day in Amsterdam
Six and a half days in a charming city called Maastricht
I like it so far
We wake up at 9, 10am and everyone eats chocolate cereal with coffee
Blow 2 euros to go to the city and walk walk walk
Yesterday we visited a park that had a carnival going on
There was a live choir and a small van that sold coffee for 1 euro
We sat on the grass in front of a lake that had ducks in it
Somebody smoked joints on the other end of the park but I could smell it
Dutch people are nice. Racist fuckers are usually below 18.
When a young white person talks to us I feel apprehensive, almost anticipating an insult
1/5 times it comes

No Internet is forcing us to do other things which is good
There is a party tonight "under the bridge" with over "1000 people"
Sounds like a mass picnic which I would not mind either

I leave for France alone in four days
A little scared. Being alone with my 30kg luggage.