do dogs evaluate the level of content they feel in their lives
do they ever think 'i'm bored'
i would like to be a dog for one day and feel happy

not-so-secret dreams (just unrealistic ones):

play in a symphonic orchestra
play in a musical orchestra (in the pit)
writer

even though it is not an instrument i play i always dream of being super proficient at some string instrument, either the violin or the cello. if i were a part of some organized music performance troupe a string instrument is my instrument of choice

newfound love for my piano. i've had it for almost 14 years now. just a simple, black yamaha. don't know how many hours i've spent on it but i love it. i remember the piano tuner coming to the house. after an annoying hour of him hitting the same note and tweaking it so slightly i couldn't even register the difference, he would spend about a half hour playing something awesome. piano tuners are always such brilliant players. it was really a treat every time, i remember always being shocked at how good he was. i remember piano lessons on it, i remember hating it at one point, so afraid of taking my practical test in grade 5 that i gave up lessons completely. but i cannot imagine giving up my piano. the keys have yellowed a little bit and dust collects on the top of it but it works just fine, suffers abuse at my fingers and doesn't complain. this video was so sad, like the man said, i can't believe people are throwing pianos away.

what is the attachment between a person and an instrument? it is never the case that something you once loved stops playing music for you but rather you stop wanting to play music, isn't it?

my body hates me. today i felt a fraction of what people who are terminally ill must feel like. i skipped out on church early to go to the clinic to get medication for my ailment. of course i was 'scolded' for doing that, but my immediate thought was, why must i stay for a God who would do this to my body

i understand that is wrong and on hindsight of course i do not mean it in any sincere way, i was frustrated, but to be honest i was taken aback by what i said yet felt indignant that it wasn't wrong. even right now i find my frustration justified but the fact that it was my immediate thought still shocks me somewhat, i do not mean it, but this leads to my other gripe

my sister said, don't leave, it's rude. i said to whom, and she said, to the church, to the speaker and to God. then i thought, if that is the reason she is staying she might as well get up and leave because to go to church out of respect and not out of love must fall under God's hated 'lukewarm' party, neither hot or cold, so there isn't a point in staying is there, not if you're just a benchwarmer

sounds like an anti-church post but it isn't, i was frustrated with a physical ailment and still am but i'm not crying anymore

i wish i could saturate my blood with medication, till the veins beneath my skin turn the color of science. i'm tired of letting my body do its work, it's slow and inefficient, nowadays i appreciate medicine with a wide open embrace, thank you God for inventing medicine

that's not blasphemous, science and religion are not contradictory
in fact they are complementary

taken with the olympus EP-3

the days get better sometimes

taken with a lomo lc-a+
35mm film

film cameras are risky because you may always end up taking nothing useful or worthy at all. out of 36 shots i only got maybe around 26 or 27. but i like them, the grain, the blur. it makes everything look like a dream, which is the way i feel sometimes, like i never really went through it at all

brisbane 2012there are things i wish would never leave
i wish would stitch themselves into my skin and breathe 

our australian adventure is coming to a close
we hardly did adventurous things
because of money
isn't that new

but i will miss it
its tiny cafes and abundant brunch places
the way the sun is always your friend
and the wind touches your skin like silk
the weather wants to eat you up but it's beautiful
i love seeing how people live independently
the things they do or don't do, how they cope
i like it, i wonder what france will be like

laughing till my tummy hurts
sitting slides and roller coasters
giving off an 'extrovert' feel

someone told me an introvert is someone who loses energy from being with people
while an extrovert loses energy from being alone
i.e. introverts gain energy from solitary moments
while extroverts gain energy from being surrounded by people

now that i know these definitions i cannot decide what i am
but does it really matter

at night gus rips my soul to shreds with his snoring
i hate it but it is not a big deal
i know it's because we have to share a single bed
if it was bigger it would be alright
he gets scared because i wake up in a bad mood

i read that people's marriages end because of snoring
seems silly

in Brisbane, sad to say i spend too much time here sleeping... what allays such regrets is that if i was awake i would be stoning while the guys play fifa. besides that Brisbane isn't the most vibrant city. Gus said he feels like he's wasting this holiday because we've mostly lazed around, done really lame things instead of sight-seeing or whatnot, but i said that doesn't have to be what a holiday is about, i think perhaps this holiday is just a way to leave Singapore for awhile, get away from all the stress/oppressive feel that comes with being a citizen, haha

i think that is essentially what we are doing... being in a new place and feeling relaxed, at ease, having no agenda. the weather gets cold at night but in the day is toasty but slightly windy. i like it a lot. so far we've gone to cafes and restaurants to eat where there were no other asians... i had some feelings about that but i forgot what they were. i think it was, does this mean this is real aussie culture, places frequented by local locals & are we tainting it

also we cook a lot. pasta, pizza, soup... a lot of it was quite disgusting. of the 6 of us there are 2 of us girls and we hardly touch the kitchen. the boys try to cook up a storm and succeed in the same way that i simply try to pass my 2.4km, but it is made with love & effort so it becomes quite delicious. the way time has been flying is quite depressing... am reminded of a short story i read in borges' labyrinths, i forget the title, but a man asks God to grant him a year to finish his play, before the gestapo shoot him to death, and God does except it is only in his mind. he sleeps, works, thinks in the exact same position for a year: in front of a wall, the guns of four soldiers, all unmoving, pointed at him. a drop of water clings to his face for one year. i remember now, i think the story is called 'the secret miracle'. i found it quite scary

borges' labyrinths is really good, to my surprise. i never really enjoy books that can be considered overly verbose or employ overly flowery language, but i like borges very much. it is my first time reading short story compilations. funnily i happened to start on two at the same time: borges, and a book by amy hempel. hempel is more contemporary, abstract in a way i find difficult to relate to, while borges is more traditional, 20th century groundbreaking 'voice of a generation' sort of style, which, it turns out, i enjoy more. hempel's book was described by one reviewer as stories about 'people who attempt to reconcile their circumstances' or something along those lines... there were a few i liked, but many towards which i could not conjure any sort of opinion. borges, on the other hand, i like almost everyone of the stories, and he constantly talks about time, immortality, eternity, God... particularly i liked a story about Judas which was a little controversial (i actually warned myself about proceeding with the story after the first few lines -- self censorship but i blew past it) but it was great, in terms of a story with good style, good writing, not for any theological reasons.

of course i read it slowly now because we're either out or i'm sleeping... i read it at nights when we were in the gold coast and i read this on the swing out in the balcony this morning, in brisbane, 9am, it was lovely

quickly reminiscing about Australia 2011... hoping this time round will be just as fun. even though we're not going to Sydney, i'll miss the seafood market & hurricane harbor ribs :( but there is no way i'm going on another roadtrip. it was too intense for me i think. it's not even that i'm no adventurous, but it was literally an experience crossing from adventure into deathwish. sigh

whatever it is i hope this time will be awesome as well. it's already starting off with so much logistical problems & financial difficulties... but i hope everything will be okay

also showing off Gus's new haircut. isn't it so handsome?? i love it he looks so suave. Sandra left on Sunday and then Elsa left on Tuesday and everybody will be gone gone gone for months on end

the past few days i've felt quite alright, i think the 'missing you' part was growing in such small increments i did not notice, which is good and bad. but tomorrow you're coming home and i start to tick off a list in my mind of the things i want from you that i was not able to get when you were gone: a hug, a kiss, a joke, a bad joke, a body, a smell, a smile. entertaining thoughts of making sure i look good when i pick you up tomorrow so you will be as happy to see me as i am to see you. i am pleased with myself, how i have managed the past week, seems trivial to others but is a big deal to me

'things change' he said
but some things, i think
you will regret
allowing to change
and you will always find
your hand in the cookie jar

you will catch yourself
and handcuff your own wrists
and throw away the key
for a long time
no matter what anyone says
i think it is part of
'healing'

but why should you want to have to heal in the first place