Recently I've been listening to K-pop, and before you judge me, let me hypothesize what kind of taste in music 'you' have: probably listened to Death Cab a lot when you were younger, nowadays you're very into Florence + the Machine, or Girls or Gotye, Mumford & Sons, have albums of solid oldies: the Beatles, Eagles, Led Zeppelin maybe. Probably you have tons of artists in your iPod that most people have never heard of, you probably went to Laneway to watch Laura Marling or something, but memorized all the songs in the week right before, need really deep lyrics and hate nonsense pop songs that just have lyrics that rhyme but are poetically pathetic

I was like that before, I think, at one point I thought of my taste in music as really good. I didn't go to Laneway or anything but I knew a few songs that were considered 'real music' in today's world. Then I listened to K-pop and I really liked it, and I put it down to two reasons: 1) it's really catchy, it's really good music production, the beats, the synthesizers, the melodies aren't in any way sub-par to artists like LMFAO 2) I don't understand Korean, so I don't know what they're singing about which helps, because sometimes when lyrics are really lame I get turned off by the whole song. So I'm pretty sure the lyrics are lame, but because I don't understand them, I can just enjoy it.

But it doesn't mean I like any of the bands I previously enjoyed before any less. Of course not. I'm still a huge Beatles fan and I'll always be. Liking K-pop doesn't diminish that fact. I still like Mumford & Sons, I still like Gotye. So just because someone listens to K-pop doesn't make them any more "cheena" or less worth having as a friend. That's just judgmental. I think on some level I used to do it, but not anymore of course, I've realized that your music taste doesn't always define who you are as a person. I fucking hate lady Gaga but I know so many friends who love her, and it shouldn't make me want to be friends with them any less.

Plus it's just really fun. I'm glad that Asian music is making a breakthrough especially into the Western markets. I've always been quite disgruntled by the level of Westernization in Singapore... granted K-pop does take its foundations from Western pop, but that it's promulgated by Asians, sung in an Asian language... it's something Asians should be proud of, instead of being exactly like what a narrow-minded Westernized, 'high cultured' Singaporean would be: judging the people who listen to K-pop and defining them immediately as people that you will never get along with because 'we don't have common interests'.

That's what I've learnt anyway. I'm not like a hardcore K-pop fangirl, but I love listening to their music, it mkaes me feel happy and makes me feel like dancing, so why not? So I won't judge anyone who listens to Gaga, or Bieber, or whatever music I personally consider bullshit anymore. It's ok if they listen to it, and I'll find out who they are beyond what music they put in their iPods. That's all

Um last night I stayed up until 6am studying math
 Still struggling, am not made for numbers, feel like crying mostly
 Have to get a C so I can s/u the mod, if I don't get a C I don't know what to do

 Two papers down, lots more to go

 In the afternoon I received an email titled 'Internship'
 I got it, not the one I went for an interview for, this one was a surprise interview on the phone.
I was caught off guard but I also know they aren't keen to take interns.
 It makes me think I won't be doing anything very substantive.
 9-5 for two months, it makes me feel uncomfortable.
 Also, I read that bosses like to dig stuff up on their employees, I think I might lock up my blog for a bit.

Also, I just want to say.
I used to think, ok people who like to brag about academic achievements, I guess if I was them I'd be really happy too, seems like legit behaviour
But after achieving some degree of academic 'success' myself I realised that it is very easy not to talk about it, and not to brag, even if it is the first and only time I have achieved such things
Which makes me wonder why other people have to brag so much
I know this post is basically me talking about it, but this is the last time I mention it, and I only mention it wrt the bigger context of the question, why some people cannot be humble, is it because academics are excessively constitute a large part of our confidence structure
It's just one of those questions

401

This is my 401st post.

Was reading someone's blog and she was talking about skincare and stuff... some people have such elaborate skincare routines even though their skin isn't necessarily bad. I think about my skincare routine and I feel ashamed.

1. remove makeup (if I'm wearing any)
2. exfoliate
3. cleanser
4. dry
5. moisturizer & toner

Recently I forget to moisturize and tone so I just dry my face and leave the toilet haha. Also, I only do these things on days that I remember and only at night, because I would rather sleep in than spend 10 minutes doing extra things in the toilet in the morning. Thankfully my skin isn't bad so there's no serious repercussions for this piece of shit routine lol. The only reason I don't really concern myself with maintaining my looks is because 1) I'm lazy and 2) it's too time consuming. Also I never wear sunscreen cos I don't really like being too pale. But my mum says it's bad and when I grow up my skin will become wrinkly faster or something :\ ~whatever~ haha

Also I think nowadays, with all the shit in the news about the 44 men and the NSF dying, I feel like the world I have known for a long time is slowly disintegrating. The beams are becoming shaky, the wallpaper is starting to peel. I don't know if this is what disillusion is. Whether I'm crossing that threshold where your age cloaked you in naivety and innocence. I hate being so aware of everything that is wrong with the world, with Singapore. It makes me so sad and helpless. But I guess this is a symptom of growth and life. I thought about, in the midst of all this, what makes me happy. That is, coming home everyday to my family, knowing Gus is there. I thought about it. I think it is okay if I leave for awhile, as long as I know that when I come home everything is the same, everything I love hasn't changed. That knowledge, that there is some permanence in the middle of everything that is evolving into the unfamiliar, that gives me some comfort.

It's so difficult to keep studying when you know freedom is less than two weeks away... no choice though. Only awhile more. Have to keep pushing :'(

All the best, anyone out there who's going through the same pain xx

Been studying, not really, haha.

Whatever. Double As for my essays, first time ever, I'm riding this high and forgetting about the nitty gritty details of exams for a bit.

Read that Dick Clark died. I remember them mentioning him on Friends.

Lots of articles about 1) NSF who died and 2) the 44 men charged in paying an underage girl for sex

1) It's really sad that he died. I'm not sure why this has been happening so much recently. From what I know army is already a lot more relaxed than in the past. Still, military conscription is a necessity for Singapore. I think perhaps nowadays the reality of being so young when you enlist is becoming more apparent, so when someone goes it's definitely a lot harder to take. There are a lot of shitty things people can say about Singapore. About the PAP, about the transport system, about inflation. But I think that the SAF as an institution to a certain extent must be given some deference. So many of our Singaporean boys enlist and serve two years in the army. When it comes to crisis, they're the ones who will be on the front line. SAF is not just another elite, exclusive institution -- it is the lives of our friends, our family. So there's really no sense in lambasting NS in the aftermath of this tragic incident. The fact is that this NSF died serving his country, and that is one of the highest honors to be conferred upon death. No matter what so many young 'cosmopolitan' Singaporeans enjoy spouting nowadays -- 'I hate Singapore', 'I wanna get out of here' -- this is their home. This is, or was, Dominique's home. If he had to pick up a gun and go to war, I'm sure that he would have. And for that I think we must be grateful, that despite constantly being at threat from all around us, we have Singaporean boys/men who would pick up guns to defend us.

2) Don't even know how to feel about this. Disgusted at the 44 men (if guilty)? Yes. Disgusted at the 17yo prostitute? Yes. Overall just seems like such a dirty affair, a part of me wishes they didn't publicize it so much, I wish I didn't know. My inherent disposition to the girl is one that is generally negative, but I know I am being judgmental and there is probably more to her story. Although I am inclined to believe she was just a girl who wanted money so badly for branded bags or something she sold her body to do it. I've mentioned before, I will never judge prostitutes because you don't know what kind of backgrounds they come from. I qualified it by saying that a lot of them have children, siblings to feed, people to take care of. But when you're a 17YO girl earning up to $850 for one session and have banged over 40 men in the process, I find it hard to believe there is a real sob story behind it. I really don't want to judge her before knowing her full story but I'm sorry to say, I definitely am predisposed to thinking the worst of her and her C-cups. On the other hand, the 44 men: what's new, right? Men will be perverts, that's how it's always been. I'm glad they're getting charged and justice is being served -- not to the girl, because she clearly solicited their attention, but justice for the many people who believed these men to be proper men. Parents, students, Singaporeans, wives, children, colleagues, friends. A good question to ask is: does it matter that top civil servants have committed these crimes? The answer is, very simply, yes. Not because it is probably morally wrong, but because I find it incredulous that these people, apparently the government's pick of the cream of the crop, are going in with this line of defence: "She told me she was of legal age." I mean... seriously?

I tweeted this today, 'is Singapore becoming more unsafe or am i just reading more news?'
Feel like this adequately explains how I feel every single day nowadays.
Long post, boring post, oh well haha

I think you have to define your own expectations of what are 'necessary experiences' in life. Whoever has shaped a certain mould and told the world that these are certain things you must experience to have truly lived is probably a happy man, but I think to a certain extent these experiences don't impact everyone uniformly. So I think there is always a risk in doing something just because someone else tells you to, even if 3/4 of the world agrees it will be amazing. There is so much value in understanding what you want yourself, I think that's something people forget, it's something people are rarely able to siphon because you are almost always caught underneath everyone else's opinions, constant buzzing in your ears that you can barely find your own.

I think sometimes if you think about the main forces that have shaped your life philosophy over the years you reach some startling epiphanies about areas of your life that need to be changed

I also think that perhaps if you have spent a larger part of your life tending to your looks to feel good you are contributing to the idea that bare-faced, wrinkled and 'ugly' you will probably feel like shit, because the attention you've fed your exterior has been disproportionately distributed vis-a-vis your interior. In many ways I think that is quite a gamble to take, considering everybody will one day become 'ugly'. This sounds pretty douchey but one day I wish I could sit down with a VS model and ask her some realistic questions about her role in perpetuating the female as a sexual object and contributing to the spread of eating disorders worldwide

"I hated them because they had something I had not yet had, and I said to myself, I said to myself again, someday I will be as happy as any of you, you will see."

- Charles Bukowski, Ham on Rye

One self-indulgent post: new hair! I like it.

Feel like this is not the hair of a conventionally 'hot' woman or whatever but I am okay with not trying to replicate ~that~ look. Making a philosophical deal out of bangs right now haha. Sometimes I think I've made a grave mistake, but other times I really like how it looks, I just feel like even though it's not the gorgeous flowing locks that all the 'sexy' women wear, it's more me because I am essentially not a 'sexy' person haha. Think this is a big deal for me because I've always hesitated cutting my hair. I've always thought it's one of the things about my head that make me bearable to look at. But I think in a way getting rid of it was quite liberating! Like ripping off a plaster. Sounds silly, linking a haircut to all these innate self-esteem problems, but... ok I dunno I don't have any justification, it's just how I feel. Haha.

Yesterday was possibly one of the happiest days I've experienced in awhile. Awesome midterm results, super awesome text from my tutor. Academic validation makes me happy which is fucked up in so many ways but when it happens I feel good, so I don't care... feel like things perhaps are looking up. I sped home and lay in bed with Gus talking about my good results and he was happy for me, probably only him and my family, the only people who I can truthfully tell about how happy I am, because it rarely happens for me in uni to do ~that~ well. Perhaps it's a one-off but it's enough to tide me over these few days of really hitting the grind on studying before exams. Knowing that I have the capability, it's funny how little things can boost your confidence so much. Gives me such a motivation in studying I can't even explain. But so happy :)

Finally submitting my last essay of the term tomorrow. Feel like I'm free, then remember I have to finish reading 400 pages of Putnam then actually begin studying. Don't know how I'll do this sem... I have mixed feelings. I went from aiming for the best to praying it won't be a disaster.

To celebrate Gus's last day of school we went to watch American Pie in the afternoon... Haha I don't know, if you like these kinda shows then it was good I guess. Funny at least. I just really love Jennifer Coolidge, I think she's so so so funny.

Nowadays I feel like social media has become such a burden and a hassle... I think it starts to show too many sides of people, people that I'm actually cordial with or like, sometimes. When people start to post really opinionated things that really clash with any one of my core beliefs or values, I get really really really irritated. And the worst part is that I start to dislike that person! How awful right, he/she is just expressing his/her view. But I feel like I can't keep up with it, can't keep up with involuntarily feeling crowded out by these opinions. I don't see anything wrong with maintaining purely cordial relationships with certain people who are acquaintances more than friends, but social media sometimes really makes this impossible. Feel like de-activating everything, think I finally understand why some people do that (aside from the hipsters who de-activate because it's cool or some shit). On the other hand I suppose it shows me some people whom I can foresee I will never ever be good friends with, so I shouldn't try. That's not offensive. On many levels I'm sure I irritate some people with my tweets and my facebook updates too. It scares me a little to think that people will think of me differently based on this, but it's unreasonable for me to stop saying what I feel just because of that, and similarly I cannot expect that other people will do it too. So the best solution is really to just extricate I guess.

After not blogging for awhile, I found something I think is worth saying. I know homosexuality is not a big deal in Singapore in terms of having a strong civil society that advocates for gay rights like in the US. But I'm sure everybody knows/has friends who are gay or knows people who are gay, at least. And being a Christian I think for a long time, I've just tried not to think about the fact that someone I'm talking to is gay, even though I know according to the bible, apparently, it's a sin, and so that's how I've grown up thinking about gays.

But then I realized, that's simply the answer to it all. "Examine the contents, not the bottle", that is something taught in Judaism, apparently, but I find it apt. Gay, lesbian, rapist, whatever. These are just labels, they're just names, but underneath it all there are human beings, just like you and me, who have dreams and aspirations and goals and whatever. To a certain extent a label tells the outside world about you, but people have to realize that labels are societal constructs, words that tell you what to think about someone. But that's wrong. You have to decide what to think about someone. God never said hate gays, God said love everyone. Hate the sin, but love the sinner. And you know, even if it is a sin, hating gays should entail that every single person who has ever committed a sin should be hated equally, because a sin is a sin. But no, we decide to love pastors who siphon money from the offering bags to buy fancy cars, or we decide to pardon our best friend who was guilty of adultery.

As a Christian I think I've reached a point where I'm learning how to approach homosexuality. It involves a little bit of mindgaming but I think it's for the better. For one, I don't think about whether homosexuality is actually a sin (there are debates). Number two, I don't actively tell myself that the person I'm meeting is gay. What I mean is you can effectively hold absolutely no opinion regarding a person's sexuality (not right not wrong) and still love the person underneath it all.

This is something I think a lot of adults need to learn, especially some extremely bigoted, self-righteous church goers. I don't really have anything to say about e.g. douchebags who are just homophobic for no fucking reason, but I think when you are supposed to be practising a faith that asks you to love one and all, you cannot be spouting nonsense about hating homosexuals. Nobody is as extreme as Westboro for sure, but I think a lot of adults in their tiny, subtle ways, they contribute to a culture of hate. And I know as much as any new born believer, the first thing they teach you, God doesn't hate.