sometimes i feel a compelling need to be alone, not to feel lonely, but to just be alone, by myself. i wonder why because when i actually am alone i don't do anything special, but i think it is that when you are alone that you become more in tune to what you want, rather than constantly feeling a swirl of impositions when you are around other people. that is not to say that i hate hanging out with people, obviously not, but i just feel i could use more time alone i suppose. i just think i have developed a growing aversion towards small talk, and talking to people i don't really know. i can count with one hand the people i would willingly have a conversation with. i think maybe people tend to disappoint me, which is nothing to do with the persons themselves but rather what i've come to expect from people at this stage of my life.

i think i have decided, possibly -- france will be good for me. i think about cooking food that i want or sitting on long train rides or walking everywhere alone. it makes me feel happy, kind of.

you know that sinking feeling you feel when you get back a test paper, when you see that number or that grade. i will never get used to it.

sitting in my brother's room trying to figure out what i feel towards girls who really think they're really hot, manifested through excessively narcissistic photos on fb/blogs that nobody requested, or addictions to competitive events in the 'looks' arena e.g. pageants and so on. because i thought about what someone said, that the most beautiful girl is the one who doesn't know that she's beautiful. but if you constantly publicize your looks then you definitely know you're 'hot' or whatever, right? does that mean you are not beautiful. but if you constantly publicize it does that mean you are seeking attention i.e. comments, likes, etc? and if that is the case does that mean you are insecure and too reliant on your looks? and so if i don't constantly publicize my looks does that mean that i'm a secure person or that i'm ugly so i don't post anything lest people think i'm ugly

trying to figure out my self-esteem level through relativity. because today i spent the whole day with my hair in a bun which i think shows off my face a lot but felt ok with it. this has to be good, i think people with low self-esteem perhaps are more inclined towards using their hair as a shield/distraction

cannot decide how i feel towards france in september. i think i will mature as a person to nth degree but how much pain/sadness will i have to incur because of that 

sometimes lyrics are so lame and obvious like 'it's hard to dance with a devil on your back'
well no shit, like physically and metaphorically this is an obvious statement
but then you think, i cannot insult it because it's 'florence & the machine' and i think she is supposed to represent alternative deep music or something, which makes me think, is there something i'm not 'weaning' from it all

which reminds me of another line from the same movie, that under 'rock concerts' you would find bands with a name like 'paint job' but i thought about it and i don't think they would be rock bands but that falls under the category of bands like 'fleet foxes' or 'bowerbirds'. i think some band names are acceptable if you are a band but not ok if you are a one man band, like if 'gotye' was a full band i would like the hypothetical 'them' less. someone should patent the band name 'the ___' there are just too many

i know some 'indie' band names because sometimes i go and see www.youmeandcharlie.com which is a website set up by dianna agron from glee. i'm not sure why i go there, i think for awhile i thought it was kinda cool but over time i started to think that dianna agron is rly fake and actually i don't like her anymore, i don't really take to people who pedal their 'artistic/special side' but she took it further, she pedaled it into other people's lives, which i don't really care for. i think what your special thing is you can keep it to yourself, that's how it remains special

when i see a person's face i imagine scenarios where we encounter each other and it's not necessarily romantic, it's just these situations where the person will surprise me or shock me or add some kind of value to my life through the encounter. and then i realize then i don't want to encounter them because then my preferred scenario will almost definitely not come true and i'd rather that not happen

when Gus says goodbye i can't wait to see him again. not that i go crazy not being with him. what i mean is while i can bear with the anticipation, i always look forward to it. i don't like it when i'm not with him because then i have to wait till i can see him again. but not liking it doesn't mean that i'm dying to be with him. i manage on my own and i can do my own things and have fun, but at the end of the day, i'd rather be with him. if someone told me what i just wrote i'd think they're fucking crazy bitches but i think if i feel this way after 2.5 years maybe then what i am saying is legit and licensed and not at all embarrassing

you know what else i realised, is that i don't think elderly citizens who work as cleaners have any sort of comprehension of how much they're being taken advantage of i.e. low pay, working hours, welfare benefits, etc. they don't know about minimum wage or market rate or whatever. they just know they have a job and they do it and they get money. and so when you debate in parliament, discuss in the coffeeshops, talk about it in class, they don't have any say. heck, they don't even know that people are concerned about this thing that affects them so much. and so it's got to be just the greatest ever feeling when one day their boss tells them their pay has been increased by $250, out of nowhere, this great piece of news. i think if one ever goes into politics it has to be this incentive, the desire to bring this sort of joy to people. it's not always easy but that has to be your purpose, isn't it? of course it's not that simple but i think that is of course the ideal situation, why do we not have more people who join government to make a change

i watched a movie and this line made me laugh out loud:

'just two of us guys, and a dog, making candles.'
'what a cliché.'

yeah i'm in that phase again where i just want to watch movies in bed all the time and not care about studying, but that's obviously just retarded. so i settled on a compromise, that if everyday, the rest of this week, i can complete at least five hours of productive study then i can take the night off and watch a movie. is that stupid? NO it's not. movies are an easier leisurely activity to fit into a school schedule than reading, because in two hours you get a whole story instead of over two days. it's convenient. but when the holidays come... i will do whatever the fuck i want haha

someone mentioned something on my formspring that i guess i didn't really think about when i wrote the last post. i was in a right fit of frustration and annoyance, as i usually am when i type such wordy posts, that i didn't really stop to reflect. he/she said, why you kp singaporeans? everybody in the world is kp also what. and i spent a long time trying to argue back, but i realised it was true, no matter which way i tried to frame it. there will always be people who get angry at stupid things, cannot show compassion, extremely hypocritical, etc. simultaneously, there will always be people who do stupid things, say stupid things and display insanely low levels of EQ or social awareness. from all over the world.

i don't think i specifically said that singaporeans alone deal with this issue in the last post... but that is probably the message that was sent & to be frank, i was isolating singaporeans as the main perpetrators of the offense. and so i must add that it is not just singaporeans who deal with this problem. i don't deny that it is a problem -- it is. it is one that affects the individuals and spreads upwards to society. but it isn't a problem that singaporeans alone struggle with. i'm sure every country will have incidences like these, especially countries that deal heavily with immigration. likewise i am also aware that my complaints are futile, and that since the beginning of time people have fought wars and battles based on the 'you, me & the other' theory. it's just ranting and just frustration, i guess.

i doubt i've directly offended anyone, but i think maybe some people might feel annoyed at what i said? i know it sounds self-righteous but to be honest it's how i feel so... i'm not gonna detract it. but thank you to the anon on formspring, you have inspired this post and helped me realize how blinded i can be when i'm emotional haha

i write a social commentary

I think Singaporeans are some of the most hypocritical, judgmental people I know. Including myself, yes, I see these characteristics reflected both ways. We have some of the most snide, cutting and insulting comments in limitless supply, always ready to dish it out among friends and among strangers online. The people we love insulting? Immigrants. I've talked about immigrants before because I think Singaporeans are ridiculously selfish, brutal and downright mean when it comes to foreigners. We always blame PRCs and whatnot for their habits, their behaviour and so on, even though sometimes these little things can be seen in Singaporeans as well?

For example, Singaporeans became so angry when this PRC scholar complained about 'gangster uncles' giving kao pei faces when he accidentally bumps into them. He said, Singapore has 'more dogs than humans.' So Singaporeans became really upset, saying, how can he generalize a whole population as dogs because of a few uncles? They say we've given him 'food, work, shelter' and this is what we get.

I seem to recall an incident in which so many Singaporeans stereotyped 1.6 billion Chinese as 'monsters' because 18 out of 1.6 billion did something wrong. They failed to help a girl who was injured on the road. Singaporeans had so fucking much to say about that. So many insults. I quote directly from the comments, "If Singaporeans are dogs they are worst. At least we don't leave a two year old child to die." And you know what? It's true, those 18 people were wrong in what they did. But you know what else is true? The tonnes of Singaporeans who have to kao pei and stare at people when they literally accidentally bump into them. We can complain about them but they can't complain about us?

What else? That thing about the aunties chasing a PRC woman out the MRT for flashing her armpit hair. I'm not even going to begin discussing how embarrassed I am that so many people thought it was real. The bigger issue at hand was not the shameful naivety, it was the response to the issue. So many people 'applauded' the aunties for chasing her out, they lauded her as 'brave' and for doing the 'right thing'. Since when was physically abusing and discriminating against someone who has literally done nothing wrong except be a PRC the 'right thing' to do? GRANTED, it was fictional, and what a distasteful piece of satire it was, but the point is how has our society regressed to such a level that they condone and endorse such behaviour? There were several people who pointed out that the aunties were in the wrong, which provided slight relief, but on the whole the amount of people who were on the aunties's side is just shameful. Adding on to that, the behaviour of SO MANY SINGAPOREANS that would've been worse than just exhibiting your body hair. The aunty who peels prawns on the bus, the couple in secondary school uniform who recline across three seats, etc, etc, etc. I'm sure YouTube has these anecdotes in endless supply.

Before Singaporeans turn to criticize others I think we really need to take a good hard look at ourselves first. And of all people you want to criticize you criticize your fellow Chinese? (I'm not discounting the other races in Sg it's just that most of the people I saw commenting were Chinese) I'm sorry I just think this is so fucking stupid, that as Chinese we are looked down upon by several other ethnicities, and then we add to it by looking down on our fellow Chinese??? We really need to grow up, honestly. Call ourselves a global city-state, and what someone posted, I quote, "our culture is 1st world". Hmm. Not even close.

HOW TO DEAL WITH SADNESS WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND TO OFFER YOU RESPITE:

1. Down cartons of mango juice.
2. Download torrents of various trashy American sitcoms and criticize them.
3. Get sick so you can focus on the physical pain instead.
4. Play absorbing games like Tetris Battle.
5. 9GAG.
6. Sleeping pills. Only once. When it hurts the most. Just for the brief escape.

I don't understand when people say, "Learn to be strong", I don't understand how, but the above is my reaction to it, my attempt to try.

On a side note, I really like sleeping pills, but I've only ever taken them twice so I'm not addicted or anything. I only take them when I'm flying because I have a slight phobia of planes. Anyway, it's amazing, it's like you fall asleep within a half hour and almost literally the next second, you're up and six hours have gone by. It is INSANE. I never remember anything that has taken place in between those six hours, even if I was woken up or anything like that. I don't endorse using sleeping pills for anything else other than flight phobia and severe insomnia, but I realised that if there are nights that I just cannot stand being aware of my brain functioning, and cannot tolerate anymore thoughts about anything, then sleeping pills are perfect, no? Sounds like a slippery slope, but I don't envision myself as someone who'll get addicted to pills. I just really like the effect, I think the science of it is amazing. In any case I have no more pills. I'd have to lie to the doctor to get some more.

Gus just admitted something to me, I really wanted to cry because he really takes care of me...

He said that when I first created my formspring, he was the one who asked like the first twenty questions or so because he was afraid if no one asked anything, I would be really sad. And the funniest part is I went to look back and he showed me which questions were him, and one of them was,

"How do you keep your hair so nice? I've tried all kinds of products but I just can't get it right"

HAHAHA I burst out laughing. He said he tried to sound like a girl. He said he was in army so he'd be sitting at the comp trying to decide what to ask. Haha. I love him sooo much :')

This really sucks, the moment I reach home I hit the bed and sleep the potentially productive hours away. Even right now, as I'm typing this, I'm lying in bed aware that I'm not sleepy and that if I attempted to study I could achieve a certain measure of productivity, but still I continue to lie here and type this bullshit anyway. Every second I am aware of this problem and every second I choose to take the low road and continue lazing. God how lazy can I get honestly

Otherwise I am moping in the ashes of my 30% midterm flushed down the drain. Confusion about what to study. I don't understand how half of us understood one thing and the other understood another. I hated the bastards sitting behind me, "Omg! I got ONE wrong... sigh ok la at least I've got the rest correct" FUCK YOU. Shawn kindly wrote on my lecture notes, "We're angry at ourselves but we're blaming [the prof] when in fact all we can do is accept it." But I'm done feeling like shit and "accepting it", I've done that enough. HAH & yet I'm still lying in bed doing nothing. 


Also today I realized my mood was almost directly related to the condition of my hair this morning. Bad hair day = bad mood.

Things I actually really hate:

1. wearing bras
2. having hair
3. wearing clothes

I wish the world lived in the garden of eden and we could all walk around nude and bald, without judgment, maybe one day when people diagnose me with dementia it will be alright to do that

In some kind of awe how some people really know how to make the best of what they have. I don't, and I still can't help but pine for something more. Ridiculous.

Spent three hours going through Singapore-Malaysia-Indon foreign policy before I realized my laptop is crooked, for some reason, which really, really irks me. What I mean is that it can tilt to one corner, like those pesky desks during exams and you have to ask the examiner for a piece of paper to balance it. Think one of the screws came loose.

Tomorrow I have a half hour midterm worth 30%.
What the fuck

you'd think an iphone 4 would produce better pictures even in the dark, right. jan said, "i'm doing editing" and i said, "wah editing siol!!!" and she said she's just using filter apps, and so she added glitter to some pictures... i am not sure the glitter is very congruent with the essentially un-disney face Gus is giving in one picture. this was an SMU party so there were lots of exchange students making out naturally haha. at least it wasn't excessively packed like zouk and at least we had a table! they bought 20 beers. all the boys downed half a pint after a toast to harresh's birthday while jan & i demurely sipped ours. twas a fun night, i like doing these club-y things with Gus's friends, they're fun and they drink for me when i can't take it anymore haha

since last night was play hard, tonight is study hard
UGH SO BORING

Scary, to finally find people who make your life easier, better in terms of company, superficial talk, the slow process of getting to know one another that turns a depressed entity on its head. Then, at the tipping point of it all, when you think things can't get any better, to realize that on fundamental levels you diverge so intrinsically that you never look at them the same again. Do you forgo the lunches and the jokes and the general goodwill you feel towards humankind for the sake of cutting away the very things that chip at your moral core?

To be morally upright but steeped in sadness -- that is a different kind of bravery altogether.

My 20th birthday present from Gus. It just came in the mail. Snapped three shots before realizing camwhoring with the Fujifilm 210 isn't the best idea. Still, I like the picture of Gus looking like Cleopatra, I tacked it up on my board. I like the bigger polaroids, they're much nicer than the usual long-ish ones. Bert told me Gmarket was the better option so we bought it off there instead of at this shop in Milennia Walk, about $120~ for the camera + 2 packs of film, which is quite a decent deal I think. One day I will scan some nice pictures if I ever end up taking any. 

Otherwise, Gus sent me home during his two hour break. Time for a nap, and then up in two hours to study the day away, no excuses anymore. 

how wonderful if i could wake up and have everything be okay. breakfast in bed. if i didn't feel like i have something to prove. sometimes my intentions get mistaken and that is my own fault. if something i say becomes automatically construed as a manifestation of me being selfish, then i must be a prettty selfish person, right? i wonder how true that is. then again, when it comes down to you or me, how many times do i have to choose you?

rats race

There's a lot of hype about internships now. I feel like I don't want to spend my three month holiday trotting around in heels and a tight skirt, sitting at a desk, probably playing tetris most of the time. On the other hand, there's always this consideration: do it for your future. At this point I'm just thinking, what about my future? The future where I have no more holidays to just relax? Or the future where I'll be so burdened with financial worries that I'll probably lapse into depression? Or the future where every single day becomes clockwork, deadened hours and infatigable mechanisms? If I'm going to do something for my future, I'm going to enjoy whatever time I have now, so that when I eventually am in that god awful period of my life, I can look back at May-August 2012 and maybe, at least, have a good chuckle.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do in the future, just because it's like a routine station on your brain's route every few days, right? All I know is I keep coming back to journalism, and telling stories, and giving information. I feel like I could be on radio, or on TV, or see my name in the papers (not Singaporean papers) and feel like I've done something good. I feel like I have tonnes of ideas for broadcast journalism in Singapore, like I can help mass media corporations gain just that bit more revenue from this market. Is that naive? I guess I should've done communications then, but on the other hand, I love this wealth of information I'm getting from pol science, all these things I would never have known to look at if I didn't learn it in school. Maybe Singaporean mass media doesn't have to be dull and shit because of government regulation. Not that I'm suggesting ways to work around the regulation, but I think we could afford to be a lot more creative and dynamic in the media.

K. Good. I feel like since I've said all this I've contributed my daily bit to "considering my future". *insert "close enough" meme*

 

my life is quite simple i think. i've simplified it beyond necessary and drained all the unnecessary away. i feel as if i know what are important things to do, to keep, to work on. the only matter is the reconciliation between that understanding and the movement of my muscles. my muscles are 'unresponsive in nature', someone said that, that's what i feel like. like i am flat and without purpose. 

this morning i went to the gym and ran for half an hour, shocked myself at how difficult the bikes were and did some weights training. i was the youngest and most unfit person there. feel like going again tomorrow... don't know if i'm kidding myself 

today i had a pretty awesome taxi driver. i think he and i are quite similar souls. he asked what i was studying, and in my broken chinese, i said, ‘政府’. and he yelled, “ohhhhh!!! 你要跟 PAP 的是嗎！" and i had to rush to defend myself. i said, no, i'm just studying for interest, and he said, "then 你下次做什麼？" which is a question i ask myself everyday... 

in another instance, he exemplified the very behaviour i love seeing in fellow Singaporeans: hating on elitists. no matter what elitist: rich, skinny, "smart", whatever. i hate elitists. he said he had a cousin who was very rich (he emphasized, "四房 condo leh!!!") but he said, it's okay, because his cousin is down to earth, and that over CNY he went to visit at my taxi driver's house because the grandfather was there. but he said, "你有錢， 可以。那是你的事。 可是你有錢，還 hao lian, 你可以 eat my shit, get lost pris" which made me burst out laughing. i have no doubt when someone exercises his/her incapability to be socially considerate and flaunts his/her wealth in his face, he will give the person exactly what he/she deserves. a well-aimed punch or kick, or the use of a syringe containing an STD... 

by the way, i just saw someone post on facebook, "OMFG did I tell you that I have a phobia of fat people"

who the fuck says that. who the fuck has a phobia of fat people? at 22 years old? 

this matters to me because i honestly can't stand people who act like they're bigger than others. i would only use discriminatory terms with people like that, because it's okay if you look down on an elitist, because they actually deserve it. and those stupid enough to display their ignorance on the Internet are really just asking for it. you can call me a hypocrite for looking down on these people for looking down on others, but i honestly don't care. this is one case in which idgaf that it's hypocritical -- some people really are just the scum of the earth & they don't even know it 

I HAVE A LOT OF THINGS TO DO

but my eyes are always shutting at the wrong time. this morning i left lecture 1/2 an hr early and sat at the bench right outside and took a nap. i don't even regret it now. don't feel like going to school tomorrow either... need a motivational pep talk badly. i wish i could stick a needle in my arm and drain out the laziness

i want more blanket than bed

ate two chefs, two days in a row, so worth it, best zi char ever, hands down. i'm growing to like sambal kangkong.

i swear tonight will be my last night of such laziness. so far all my modules have been interesting, but i like international security the best. my tutorial is tomorrow, i don't know how i feel about my tutor, he always laughs so excessively loud at my prof's lame jokes in lecture. shady character.

[edit: i was right about him being kinda shady. he said he's singapore's largest fan of mahathir. and even called him dr. mahathir]

tomorrow i will:
establish important deadlines and dates
resolve to draft a CV
begin research for essay questions

all i want to do: swim, play pool, travel to countries with excellent weather, play tennis or run on a treadmill