Came back from a night of doing my visual essay. As usual, barraged with stories of the inadequacy of humanity, the lack of compassion, the irony of forgiveness, the monstrosity of the malleable form of the soul... There's little respite from the onslaught of such news. And everyday I must write about it from an objective, academic standpoint when all I feel like typing is "I don't know why the fuck people do these things".

The worst part is most times when I have these bouts of sadness, of disbelief, I start to lose hope. I fear there's no turnaround for us anymore. No more escaping the killings, the rape, the unexplainable mechanisms of mob justice, the unpredictable flutterings of terrorism, the poverty. It only goes downhill. I've even stopped blaming governments or corporations and wall street and whatnot. It's not as if people haven't been seeing the writings on the wall... Marx splashed the dark paint of the reality of capitalism on the walls a long time ago. But is there any other alternative? Like I said, there is no ideal society we can model ourselves after. We're just stumbling around in the dark, experimenting, hoping, praying.

People say we have advanced as a people by leaps and bounds since the barbaric days of evil monarchs or monster dictators... But comparing Hitler to the Marines who killed civilians for fun and then posed with the bodies??? What leap, and what bound. If anything the power of the dictator hasnt disappeared. It has merely taken on a new form and figure, calls itself "the responsibility of a superpower" or the "fight for democracy"...

Let me tell you something. Democracy is a bullshit concept. It's flawed and naive and idealistic in a reality where people don't know shit about what is good for them. Anything and everything about the dynamics between developed countries and the third world have only to do with luck, the fortunate or unfortunate way Pangea broke up, the masses of rock shifting and moving to provide land and oil and gas, the sperm and the egg that meet to create a cruel ruler or a saving fighter, a stupid statesman or an intellectual politician. Not democracy.

The sad reality is that the world works this way: you win some and you lose some. Or rather, you win, someone else loses. Perhaps you could say the moment Eve bit into that apple, the gears were in motion to lead to this.very moment where someone is dying or hunger, or a bomb, or something. There is nothing we can do about it, except try to alleviate the pain those in suffering, thank God we're not the ones, go through the motions of a human life and then die.

I have a theory that every life will have its moments of epic hardship. I'm not talking about your anorexia or your failure to get into uni. I mean epic, epic hardship. For instance your grandparents had to witness the Japanese occupation. Your parents had to live in poor financial conditions, riots, endure the saga of the cold war, fight in Vietnam, so on so on. And until now, my generation (in Sg) has experienced none. So when? What is going to mark our generation other than laziness and blatant frivolousness? Or a stupid race to get good grades? There is nothing that defines us.

Seeing everyone celebrate halloween makes me feel like my youth is running away from me. It is faster than I am and so this widening gape between us makes it even harder for me to reach out and catch it. Like it's running to find someone who's going to use it, use it properly. I find it hard to think of things that makes me immediately a young person, aside from the fact that I don't work, I go to school and I can sleep for more than 15 hours non-stop. No, I really can't. That's not to say I don't love my life now, because I do, I love my family and I love Gus and I love everything... but sometimes I think, I wish I had more fun. I wish I had a stable group of friends, up for having fun, really good fun, every now and then. Of course I'm not obsessed with the hedonistic nature of say, clubbing and drinking and whatnot, but I think once in awhile, it is fun, and as a 20 year old I think I'm entitled to have that fun.

I don't know what it is, the logistics, the incompatible clash of personalities, the sheer unluckiness of the arrangement of my life's particles... some people seem born with friends who are as ready to down a tequila shot as they are to chill out with a book. Where are these people hiding?!

My life's paradox: love to be alone but want to have fun. How to have fun alone? Don't remember the last time I went to a party or the club. Seems so long ago. I don't even need to go to a club, just anything, whatever, a bar or someone's house to do something stupid and crazy, just whatever. God before I know it I'll be 30 and my twenties will have been a big fat nothing.

Sitting in Coffee Bean finishing my Southeast Asian essay. I want to get it over and done with, not touch it forever even though the deadline is still about 5 days away. Visual essay is 50% so that's so much more important at the moment... not to mention chinese politics essay with minimum 15 citations. Although to be honest I don't mind doing htem because I'm starting to rediscover the joy in writing essays. Hopefully I do well..

Also, been listening to Disney classics and instrumentals on 8tracks. So lovely :') Makes me well up inside and tear in public. But I really love listening to playlists with 'forgotten' gems, like Prince Ali, Just Around the River Bend, Mary Poppins stuff, The Bare Necessities, He Mele No Lilo, You'll Be In my Heart, etc. Mary Poppins... Julie Andrews voice! I think you can't really find a voice like hers anymore. Nowadays it's all about being powerful and fierce, but that kinda clarity and lightness is really beautiful.

UNDERRATED DISNEY OSTs: HERCULES, TARZAN, JUNGLE BOOK

I also put together a playlist of some of my favourite oldies if anyone wants a listen!

It's Thursday morning, 1.50am. Wednesday was Deepavali, public holiday and I treated it like a public holiday but I don't care... These days I really love the Central Library I just think that I get a lot done when I'm in there. Maybe it's the mob mentality or the guilt I feel when I look at facebook or when the guy opposite me is about to cry from reading his notes. Whatever it is, definitely locking myself in there more. Or Utown! But parking is ridiculous and it's always crowded..

Today a series of things happened that I won't disclose but I think at the end of it, I'm really grateful that Gus is always there for me, always listening to me and always believing in me. It sounds so cliché but it's true. I think no matter how confident you are as a person you'll always need that someone else who has unwavering faith in your abilities. Not sure if he's lying to me when he consoles me but he has a way with words and I end up believing him. He really makes things better for me :')

family feast pizza at pepperoni's

finished by Gus & me. RESPECT OR WHUT

construction going on now, damn noisy

an upset Fabregus after Man U game. tho srsly it was hard to watch

Gus's tutorial: two different groups: women and MEN!!! 

the epic-est thing to have happened this week! my guy fawkes mask arrived :) 

just meelo being cute

The guy fawkes mask is a little big for me but hnngg I love it so much. Gus and I spent last night scaring people by turning off the lights and then simply appearing out of nowhere in the mask, it was fantastic!

Otherwise I've been getting grades back and I think, more than feeling happy, I feel relieved. After a year of average/shitty uni grades I'm relieved with the ones I'm getting now but I think I'll want to be kinda better than that and only happy when that happens. But I'm relieved because being in political science is quite a challenge. Interest is one thing, but to survive you have to kind of have this limitless expanse of knowledge, an academic acumen towards theories and concepts and applying them and so on which isn't always easy of course... I'm trying.

Homg I really need to start doing this essay... today I napped from 9pm - 1230am and now at 2.36am I'm just bumming around. SERIOUSLY what is wrong with me ugh and also can someone please enlighten me as to how some people can survive on 3-4 hrs of sleep. What are the rules?! HOW DO U DO IT

I have zero motivation to study, and three essays due in a few weeks. Things I have completed:

1 essay
2 tutorial presentations
1 group project
4 reading reviews
2 mid-terms

Three essays to go... :( French class is getting so noisy because everyone's getting more friendly with each other haha. Wonder if Yannick is getting irritated

I'm going to cycle out to buy some snacks because I'm STARVING and when I come back I will plan what to study instead of actually studying like I always do. (Y)

Today a friend told me that his friend who was currently at Sciences Po in Paris told him how it was quite a shitty place to be because as a city campus you have to get an apartment, that the apartments were really expensive and there are rats and things like that. And that it's not the most fulfilling exchange to be on, but on the other hand, you're in Paris for six months, who wouldn't want that, right? I'm talking as if I've already received an offer when in reality my chances are as slim as an anorexic model... I'm just going to forget about it and if it happens it happens, if it doesn't, I've forgotten about it.

Today Dr Luke said all our papers have been marked and we'll get them back by next week. I feel like my head is about to implode from fear, as if the fear has liquidified and is about to seep from my pores... If I don't do well I'm f.u.c.k.e.d., similarly as I will be for any midterm we'll be getting back soon, just typing this, my heart is bruising my ribcage

When I start two paragraphs with 'today' and then proceed to talk about really boring things it's obvious today wasn't all that exciting. The most exciting this week probably, I updated my phone to the brand new iOS 5 and I'm loving it! It's sleeker, cleaner and more convenient. Gus said he thinks that Apple knows all these updates that would be good for the phone from the get-go but they choose to release it slowly so that they have things to sell. I don't know. Apparently Jobs had five years worth of releases planned out before he passed away. I hope when Bill Gates goes everybody will give him as much significance because he deserves it.

In my tutorial, my tutor says "You are quite right" to everybody who speaks up, assuming their point wasn't horrendously irrational or off topic. But when I said something, he said "Exactly" and pointed at me with a smile, before "You are quite right" and that made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. In retrospect there was nothing spectacular about what I said I suppose but I will hold onto to that moment of academic encouragement like an X Factor contestant clinging onto Simon's words said about 10 million days ago

I finished reading Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea by Jules Verne. I bought it in Gold Coast because it was really old and had this gorgeous deep red hardback cover that was falling apart, and so I bought it, and I read it until school started, and then I read it at random intervals and last night I finally finished it.

I think it is one of my favourite books ever.

I'm not sure if it's the concept or the brilliant delivery (I can't imagine how much better it must be in French), but Jules Verne wrote a science fiction classic and it was amazing.

Firstly, the entire story revolves around a engineering marvel, the Nautilus, which is basically a submarine. And even though I freakin' know what a submarine is, the way it was written, I was thinking wtf is this amazing machine. Jules Verne wrote TTLUTS before submarines were invented so for him it really was a fictional creation, that eventually became reality. But to know that what it was, was actually a submarine, is such a letdown because Verne describes and portrays it in such a futuristic way! Scientifically he got lots of things wrong, meaning the Nautilus, down to every detail, cannot physically operate in reality. However, despite these technicalities, if you lose yourself in the wonder of it all, it really is amazing.

Secondly, the biggest mystery is that of Captain Nemo, the enigmatic captain of the Nautilus, who goes through the story with no hint of his real name, his nationality or his background. But we do know that he is a man who has voluntarily severed all ties and communication with civilization, that he has built his home in the Nautilus and settled under the surface of the sea to live his life. At the end of the book it is revealed that he has been harbouring a frightful vengeance against a particular nation, and that it stems from how something that happened there (perhaps war, or genocide or something) killed his family.

On board the Nautilus, Captain Nemo and all his crew speak a language created to be incomprehensible to anyone not of the vessel. Throughout the book you know nothing about where any of these men come from, who they are or what their story is. And so, nearing the end, when the battle with the giant poulpes take place, and one tentacle seizes one of the crew, I nearly cried. It is from the point of view of the protagonist, Pierre Annorax, a prisoner on board the Nautilus:

"What a scene! The unhappy man, seized by the tentacle and fastened to its blowholes, was balanced in the air according to the caprice of this enormous trunk. He was choking, and cried out, "À moi! à moi!" ("Help! help!"). These French words caused me a profound stupor. Then I had a countryman on board, perhaps several! I shall hear that heartrending cry all my life!" 

and

"Amidst the struggle it was the cry of despair uttered by the unfortunate man that had wrung my heart. The poor Frenchman, forgetting his conventional language, had spoken the language of his country and his mother to utter his last appeal! Then I had a countryman amongst the crew of the Nautilus, associated body and soul with Captain Nemo, avoiding, like him, contact with men!"

I wanted to die... it was so sad. I always get over-emotional about fictional characters. I'll be depressed about a book for days on end. But this was the most powerful part for me, I think. To know that you have a connection with somebody, something beyond just mere acquaintances, right when they are about to die. That you are tethered to your country, your motherland, no matter how hard you try to resist it, I think, that is important too.

I really loved this book. Jules Verne was a great writer in his time and I think he's still considered one now. And now I really regret not reading this book before I took the TTLUTS ride at Disneyland. UGH. And it really cemented the fact that science fiction is one of my all time favourite genres. Even though I've never read/watched the more famous ones e.g. star trek, star wars. But I find my own sci-fi treasures and jewels, and I love them very much

Top genres (no order)
science fiction
magical realism
fantasy

I don't really like books that are too real or relevant to my reality because if it's sad, I become SO depressed I wish I never read it at all

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.


- Bob Dylan 


#crying

If there was only everlasting pain and discomfort and feeling down, and no pleasure, no pleasure except the trickles of memories, of the past gone by that used to feed an insatiable need to be happy, so insatiable it became impossible to fulfill and suddenly, the source stops trying. I wonder if there is someone to blame for wanting to be so happy. Surely we don't deserve to be -- there are people who definitely are not, so why should we be? But we would be doing an injustice to everybody who tries to make us happy, and there's always somebody, but when we want so much of it and the flow simply stops, does that imply that the source is unhappy too? Or does it simply mean that everything you are fed leaves you, because above your insatiable need to be happy is a greater, more impossible, more voracious and more overwhelming need to make somebody else happy? 

Where do you draw the line? 

Last night the rain was torrential and Meelo was downstairs. She started barking and barking because she's scared of rain, and I was about to cry because I didn't want her to be scared. So at around 4am I went downstairs to let her in, brought her up to my room and she slept in my bed!!! I know it sounds so whatever, but she's never done that before. My parents don't allow it because they think there'll be germs and she's dirty and I don't even know what other illogical things they come up with... but yeah I just did it and it was awesome x 1000000 just because the rain was so heavy and I was kinda scared to, but Meelo allayed my fears just by being there :) And also she didn't take up much space. She took awhile to settle down but that's normal I suppose. But when I woke up this morning and I saw her lying beside me sleeping peacefully I was like !!!! THIS IS AWESOME !!!! but I'm so sad I can't make it a permanent thing, so.. :(

In a strange twist of events, recently I've been immersed in the company of people at school in a way I've not been used to for a long, long time now. On one hand, I'm extremely grateful. I always think about how lonely I am, and now I have this group of people who want to eat lunch with me, and talk with me, and so on and so forth. Which is amazing, and if they ever read this they will probably stop eating lunch with me, but.

On the other hand, it's so unfamiliar that I find it hard to adjust. I sit there and listen more than speak, interspersing with phrases I find funny in my head or anecdotes that are irrelevant. I don't meet them very often but still, I miss silence and loneliness aloneness, and the feeling of, I'm alone, but I'm okay. I think I have to ease into it... I realised it's much better to have friends in classes you take just because it stimulates conversation that can help you, and of course PS majors all have common interests in a way, so it's good conversation that doesn't revolve around bitching and gossiping or that sort of thing.

Sometimes I think my world is okay, just my family, Gus and me. But I know it's not.

I dread ______. Having to sit and half watch and half listen. I can't stop the anger starting to boil inside me, I can't stop the desire to punch you in the fucking face. Trust me, I want to reach that place of peace and forgiveness and zen and some other Gandhi crap but to be honest I'm far, far away from that. And so I dread it, because I know if it comes down to it I really want to be the better person, the bigger one, and maybe extend my hand for a shake... but I know I'll just slap you instead

midterms are over and i feel like i'm on a 3 month break, when in fact, lectures have been going on as usual, as tutorials have been also. ugh i want my holiday already... yes, again, shut up

gus has exams until 4pm tomorrow grarrghhasodifna;woeimfzfse;oira;wer i will miss him so much haha