today i had school from 2-8 but didn't die. on the contrary it was quite alright i think. life gets more boring as the routine of school starts to settle in. this semester i'm more prepared, more excited for it in a sense, so school isn't as dreadful for me as it is for some other people. still, there is that mundane aspect of it that kind of pulls my life onto this treadmill that doesn't stop until december. that's probably why i don't feel like blogging much nowadays.

still, some things are worth remembering. i went down to Mindsville @ Napiri last saturday as part of NUS CSC's regular volunteering programme. it was an orientation for new volunteers such as myself. firstly, Mindsville is a home for intellectually disabled individuals. so they handle mainly individuals who battle autism, down's syndrome, overall mental retardation or sometimes specific learning disabilities. however they deal with individuals with high support needs, meaning they are not capable of integrating into normal community and require very specialized care for their growth and development. individuals can be as old as 50 - 60 years old.

NUS CSC goes to Mindsville to carry out activities that help stimulate interaction and growth, to impart lessons for integrating into society and, of course, simply to help. unfortunately the day i went down the residents were quarantined because of disease, so we didn't get to see them. personally i think i have a heart for individuals like these. there are many causes one can champion and many programmes one can volunteer at. but while looking through the list of programmes i could help out at, which included old folks homes and orphanages, i was immediately drawn to working with ID individuals. it might have something to do with the fact that my older sister has down's syndrome so i've really grown to love kids with DS (i used to watch her dance practice at the DSA).

we heard some very interesting stories. for example, Mindsville has a programme where they will select residents who are deemed capable enough to live on their own to go through sort of a test run. they will live on their own within Mindsville's compounds for a few months, and if they prove to be competent enough, they are actually moved to flats in the community. the man who talked to us about this said that once, when he went to check up on these residents, one of them pleaded with him, please don't put me back inside (Mindsville). i think the point is that even though they're lesser on the IQ and EQ scale, they're not oblivious to the stigma and societal restraints against them. they obviously understand they are different, that's why they are not initially allowed to simply roam the streets and do their own thing. but at the same time, they really want to and they really love it. there's a lot of parallels between us and them. we all love our freedom. sometimes they are placed at job placements, to earn money and to learn some skills. apparently, on their way home, some of them will go by a long route, take a huge detour to make sure nobody is following them (not in a stalker way, just someone who follows them to make sure they're alright) because they really relish the idea of independence.

when you first go into Mindsville, sometimes you hear lots of screaming. not really playful screaming, but seemingly horrific, torturous screams. obviously these screams are from the residents. for some reason, i didn't even notice it until someone mentioned it. these screams are a manifestation of the incapability of individuals with ID to accurately and appropriately express their wants and needs. vocally some are greatly impaired. communication can be difficult. so sometimes they simply scream. it is significant because it is an aspect of ID individuals that society certainly doesn't sit well with. they're "crazy", they're "retarded". immediately there's a stigma, a certain expectation against this demographic. but it's not something they can get rid of easily. part of the volunteers' jobs is to try to alleviate this problem, to teach the residents how to communicate their wants and needs effectively through gestures, words, etc.

the other day my sister took her first independent trip to school and back. she took the train herself to Bishan and back. i think it was really quite a special moment. i felt proud of her because quite awhile back she was already asking, can i learn to take the train? can i take the bus? and now that she can she really, really embraces it fully. like i said, they may not be intellectually up to par but they definitely feel the sort of constraints we as a society have imposed on them, making them dependent on people considered "normal". there is nothing wrong with this because there are only good intentions behind it, but sometimes i feel we don't give enough attention to how these individuals can actually feel displeasure and discontent and being institutionalized. that's why Mindsville tries to keep institutionalization a temporary measure, preparing them for the outside world. which is extremely noble work and i admire them greatly for that.

the next session is this saturday. i'm looking forward to it!

to give, and give, and give. and then to hold back. just once. not even to take, but simply... to not give. and then to have all prior incidences of giving evaporate into smoke. sure, we shouldn't expect anything in return for giving. i don't expect you to give me the value equivalent of what i've managed to give to you. but surely, i can expect appreciation? even if it's just a tiny bit?

that's why i give isn't it? to know i'm making some sort of change or helping in some sort of way that can be appreciated? just. some appreciation.

Feeling so ambivalent about google reader. I scroll through all the news (I have to keep up for school) but I start to feel depressed as fuck... the world is full of such shitty, sick, douchebag fuckers that I can't even see any beginning of any kind of "end of poverty/rape/riots/murder/bullying/pollution/poaching/etc" in sight. How humanity has moved towards destroying itself through its desire for advancement. And don't even get me started thinking about all the side-effects. I've been on Nat Geo for two hours looking at pictures of -insert endangered animal- orphanages in Africa.

Sometimes I wish there was an 'ideal world', a state of balance in which world peace and equilibrium was achieved.. at least some sort of model to look up to. Instead everybody, politicians, businessmen, you, me, everybody's simply fumbling around trying to do what they only think is right. But even if you go back, back, back there was widespread violence, hunger, barbaric rituals and primitive procedures, world war I, II, cold war, vietnam war, iraq war, etc, etc, etc. Nothing to look up to. Are we to believe that this world now is the best that we can be

been watching HIMYM again and my favourite episode is the one where marshall picks lily up from the airport and brings an entire marching band with him. haha i like overly unrealistic cheesy romantic gestures...

yesterday gus went to malacca early in the morning and i was so lost the entire day. i couldn't even message him because his plan doesn't do roaming. he came back about four hours ago so i'm glad he's home. i'm really stupid right? yes i know, jeez it was only for awhile. but i really hate it when he's gone because i'm really connected to him. i tell him everything and he tells me everything, we see each other all the time, he's always there when i need him. times like these i'm thankful i'm not in the UK dying... when i picked him up just now he told me all the funny things that happened, how all his games went and things like that. i know it was only two days but i missed him. every time we say bye i always think, what if this is the last time. and thank God it never has been

school tomorrow. i read someone's blog (who is also in nus) and she said that in school she's "surrounded by all these girls trying to channel their inner Olsen" and i laughed, haha, so true...

spitting out maybe german or japanese or something. is there no way you understand what i'm saying? in school i feel anxious and worried right up until the lecturer starts to teach. then i settle down, feel at ease writing in my notebook or typing on my laptop. for two hours nobody should be doing anything stupid or doing anything to make me feel frustrated. i've always found how odd it must be for exchange students from the US to come here, only to be taught by americans. if i went on exchange to france i would be thrilled to see a frenchman scolding the class. in lecture i always feel the urge rising in my throat to say something, something audible, so everybody can hear. spew the answer out and leave it dangling. i always don't, though, because... well. i don't have to explain why, i'm sure it's obvious.

.
.

LISTEN TO ME. IT'S NOT HARD TO LISTEN.
AND
DO WHAT YOU KNOW IS RIGHT

photobooth fun

this one was a fail. it looks like we are about to be kidnapped by a monster

nobody looks good in this picture

i have massive legs i know thx

jamie's birthday dinner at ikoi. we managed to get 12 people and reserve a private room, with those long tables that have holes in the floor so you can dangle your feet. japanese cuisine is my favourite and i wharfed down one too many sashimis i think. rive gauche cake to finish it off! i love rive gauche chocolate cake, it tastes like heaven. so expensive though. i brought my sister because i'm nice like that haha.


so yesterday i went for both my lectures and they were both interesting. for chinese politics, my lecturer is a highly animated man who jovially laughs at himself even when the room is silent. i like him. "my office and deng xiaoping's office... last time... 10 minute walk" he says, speaking of how he used to be at the chinese academy of social science, an important institution during china's economic reform back in the 1970's and 80's. also, he explained how 'qin' (as in qin shi huang) was originally 'chin' and that if you read some of the more archaic scholarly texts on china, they referred to the qin dynasty as 'chin'. he explained that that is where the name 'china' comes from, but also he exasperatedly yelled, 'BUT I DON'T KNOW WHO PUT THE 'A' THERE!!!' i like him a lot.

my politics and the visual class was simply an introduction, but already i saw a lot of things that are sure to be intriguing to study. we are going to cover topics such as symbols, gestures, clothing, maps, flags, cartoons, posters, television, film, the Internet and how all of this relates to politics. i'm looking forward to the comics lesson: x-men and captain america! i already knew this, that stan lee created the x-men during the time of civil war, where racism was rife throughout america, and so the mutants came to be the representation of 'outsiders' i.e. african americans, hispanics, etc. as for captain america, i didn't know this, it was originally made especially for american soldiers on the front line of war at the time, in order to instill more patriotism and loyalty to the country.

already possess a massive stack of readings. in the afternoon gus and i pored over his business law homework. this is good, i learn some things when i get to see what work he's doing. i feel better about school this semester than the last.

the already mundane motions of school. climbing endless stairs, waiting in line to print notes, scouring the library for books that people have selfishly snapped up and leisurely taken their time with. only one difference, knowing that gus is nearby, in another building somewhere. i worry for him when i'm in class because i'm always scared he feels lonely. god knows i'm so familiar with that feeling in school. i don't wish it on anyone because it can really dampen your spirits to shocking degrees. i'm used to it though, but gus sounds like he's making enough friends to keep him company.

at least i like learning. when a lecture gets going i don't really think about all the dread things associated with school. but i realized things that annoy me to no end today: people who talk in class, whispering like they think they're being real discreet when actually the jabbering can be heard by all. i imagine that if those birds on twitter could talk they would sound like the people who talk in class. and also, people who are late for class, because i cannot stand watching a professor pause halfway so that someone can bow in a half-hearted apology and scramble to a seat. get a watch, make some effort. two of my more anticipated modules tomorrow! just intro lectures but i'm going nonetheless because if you start something off on the wrong foot you're gonna have a hard time regaining your step.

look at the things Gus & i say to each other on facebook

normally we are also on the phone at the same time hee

London Riots

- pictures via boston.com

if you don't already know, these insane riots started three days ago in Tottenham, in protest of the killing of a 29 year old man by the police force. Tottenham is generally an area populated by people of lower income, and most of the rioters have been referred to as "hooded youths". whilst the catastrophe of the man's death is indeed a tragedy, many opinions have been thrown around saying that the riots were caused by simmering and festering discontent and unhappiness with unemployment levels, rise in living costs, low wages and, for many youths, increased tertiary level school fees. thus the killing of that man was simply the tipping point for many. at this very moment, word has it that the riots have spread from Tottenham, hitting West Bromwich, Manchester, Liverpool, Birmingham and Bristol.

besides this, Britain, unfortunately, is sort of infamous for breeding youths who are isolated from family life, tending towards violence, engaging in sexual activity at a young age and turning to crime. this article titled 'Britain's Mean Streets' speaks of how Britain on the whole is not a children-comfortable country, where children are immediately treated as adults. on top of that Britain has a meritocratic education system leaving many in the dust, struggling with social mobility upwards.

and yet, the United Kingdom is one of the most developed countries in the world. it has top class financial potential and capability, education systems, living standards and so on. the images coming out of London look like they should come from Syria or Libya or Sudan. but no, they're coming right out of the streets you might've once roamed, or the ones you may even be studying near. that's why it's so awful to realize that there is really no safety and the biggest power is people power. so while we always extol people power as being capable of massive regime change, revolutions and so on, so it is true the other way around, that people power has the ability to drive a first world country into anarchy.

furthermore it's quite disconcerting once you realize the circumstances under which these riots bloomed. populations unhappy with government policies, becoming poorer and more inhibited in life, more youths becoming unemployed without anyone to turn to. is it not a similar picture painted in most developed countries nowadays? the US, Spain, Portugal, Italy, coupled with ongoing financial crises that aren't going to help anyone. and Singapore isn't that far a cry now, is it? the recent elections saw tons of complaints and unhappiness rise from the ground, with more and more people becoming fed up with the PAP. transport costs, HDB costs, school fees; everything is up, up, up. undergraduates find it harder and harder to find jobs upon graduation whilst the asian markets are also suffering from the ricochets of the European markets.

see what i mean? any of these places could become a London. and who's to say when these riots will end? in democratic countries a military crackdown would be inhumane and incur the wrath of many a "righteous" countries. in Burma, perhaps, all it takes is for the tanks to move in and destroy everyone and everything would be over. but you can't do that in London. so therein lies the dilemma. in the meantime, the more the rioters are left to their own devices, i can only see this problem getting bigger and bigger. all we can do is sit tight and pray for some divine intervention, pray that God has it in His cards for everything to be alright again.

"A Brief for the Defense"

Jack Gilbert

Sorrow everywhere. Slaughter everywhere. If babies
are not starving someplace, they are starving
somewhere else. With flies in their nostrils.
But we enjoy our lives because that's what God wants.
Otherwise the mornings before summer dawn would not
be made so fine. The Bengal tiger would not
be fashioned so miraculously well. The poor women
at the fountain are laughing together between
the suffering they have known and the awfulness
in their future, smiling and laughing while somebody
in the village is very sick. There is laughter
every day in the terrible streets of Calcutta,
and the women laugh in the cages of Bombay.
If we deny our happiness, resist our satisfaction,
we lessen the importance of their deprivation.
We must risk delight. We can do without pleasure,
but not delight. Not enjoyment. We must have
the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless
furnace of this world. To make injustice the only
measure of our attention is to praise the Devil.
If the locomotive of the Lord runs us down,
we should give thanks that the end had magnitude.
We must admit there will be music despite everything.
We stand at the prow again of a small ship
anchored late at night in the tiny port
looking over to the sleeping island: the waterfront
is three shuttered cafes and one naked light burning.
To hear the faint sound of oars in the silence as a rowboat
comes slowly out and then goes back is truly worth
all the years of sorrow that are to come.

today Gus and i watched horrible bosses in the theatres, which was good because it was quite funny, which is what i was hoping for anyway. but during the show there was one scene where the main guy basically seduces a woman, whom he knows is someone else's wife, and they sneak off to the bathroom. and the whole time i was thinking, no, no, no, don't do it. please. don't. don't do it. but they did and until now i feel so uncomfortable at the thought. it's the point i was making about how everywhere you turn there's some sort of infidelity going on and it's so prevalent that sometimes i think, there is not a single couple out there who hasn't gone through this. which is untrue, but an extremely large percentage of couples, i'm sure, have cheated on each other before. it's ridiculous, but it's scary. and so i hate when people treat it so lightly, as something funny, amusing or entertaining because it really isn't. it's become something of a triviality and it's honestly disheartening to see that because people don't respect the sanctity of two people committing to each other anymore. and if it's like this now, in the future how are our children going to live? in polygamous societies? brave new world-ish? it's just really really sad, and i really really hate it.

If I ever did want to make lots and lots of money it would only be, perhaps, to own some beautiful cars. My dream car is a porsche 911 but unfortunately it costs about as much as a very big house in some parts of the world, or several large houses in other parts (and a relatively smaller house in Singapore). One car I've never really taken a liking to is a lamborghini, and aside from the aesthetics it seems impractical to get one in Singapore as well, seeing as you can't go more than 10m without a traffic light or a speed camera. Whereas with a porsche 911, you aren't as expected to be stacking up torque figures. It's more about the style and the look of it to me. But of course, it is still quite an excellent car, functionality wise. Otherwise, some other cars it would be a dream to own or even get to drive, are the ferrari f430 spider (I took a long time to find the name of this model. I saw on the road once and didn't know what it was called but I found the name) and the audi R8.

If I was being more realistic, which I evidently should be, in the future I would like to own either a mercedes clk, a range rover, a bmw Z4 or a bmw 6 series convertible (Gus loves this car so much. He talked about it so much I really came to love it as well). I would like to own a convertible haha. Besides hair troubles I think it looks awesome. Trying to convince my dad to get a convertible next! His car has so many problems it's becoming unsafe. In the meantime, if I have to sell my swift off anytime soon I really want a mini cooper cabriolet. Gus hates it but I've wanted one all along (which is why I got the swift, cos it's kind of shaped like a mini... kind of), but those aren't cheap either. I think by the time I should be selling my swift hopefully COE prices will have dropped, but that's wishful thinking to a large extent. If I could I would, honest to goodness, buy one of those really old, vintage mini coopers, like the one in Mr Bean! But those might cost you lots in constant maintenance and repairs.

In the meantime I shall be happy with my little swift! I love it a lot. I don't really want to sell it anytime soon. I don't think I'm a very bad driver, although I know women tend to be, but personally I don't think I'm one of them. A little cocky maybe, haha, but honestly I think I'm not bad! Some situations I see women get themselves in... in my head I'm saying "u r disgrace to our gender". I know it has to do with genetics or something, like men are better at spatial relations, but some women are just awful. But I like to think I'm one of the exceptions hehe. I don't really speed or be risky like most guys are (i.e. GUS) but that's because I always think it hurts my car to be so rough with it, like it wears out the brakes faster, burns more gas, more technical jargon I've heard somewhere before. Also one time I did speed, ran a red light and got caught *sad face*

It was a car night, sorry.

clench your fists tight. the phone vibrates. a prayer answered. the resounding echo of your fears leaving through your fingertips. the rope silently slips down from above. grab it and hold on with all you can, because somebody else is running the ship now. your fate in someone else's hands. disconcerting, overwhelming anxiety. nothing to do but grip tighter. but then a hand, from nowhere, pulling you. strong hands, coarse from labour but stable from experience. the weight of your body becoming irrelevant and insignificant. up and up and up. the wind in your ears like iron weights crushing your problems into trivialities. release the rope. discover you're still alive. alive and in the arms of someone you love. feet back on the ground. this chance? perhaps not ordained by the trajectory of mortal peril, so breathe in the sea breeze and "seize the day". life is rarely merciful twice.